Your Marriage’s Emotional Bank Account Ep 39

Your Marriage's Emotional Bank Account | Relationship Coach

Hello, hello everyone, and welcome to AwakenYou! Today I want to start with sharing how AwakenYou helps you in your marriage because many are confused about how focusing inward can get them from dissatisfied to satisfied in their marriage. If you’re like most of my clients and how I was, we are looking at our partners to change so we can finally have the relationship we want. Still, we hold ourselves in a strategically weak position until we look inside and find clarity around what we are REALLY dissatisfied with. We hold ourselves in a position where we don’t try anything new; we keep ourselves small, thinking everything is good just as it is, that we should be happy, or we keep ourselves angry and stressed about something that appears to be out of control and unsolvable. We are in the middle of a big tangled mess where we can’t see any other options except feeling awful. That is the short explanation, and the reason I went there is because we are starting the Marital Magic six-week course this week! This week is actually Warm-Up week, meaning we are getting to know each other, and we would love to have you join us; we officially start this coming Saturday. This course is designed to help you look at why you are dissatisfied and uninspired in your marriage and then help you courageously go after what you want. I hope you will join us! This week is a continuation of the benefits of the six-second kiss, which I shared in episode 35: Six-Second Kiss Paralysis focusing today on your marriage’s emotional bank account.

Today, I will talk about what an emotional bank account is and how deposits are not equal to withdrawals, similar to getting dinged for taking money out of your financial bank account. Then I’ll share examples of emotional withdrawals and deposits, including the six-second kiss.

Your marriage’s emotional bank account

Dr. Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families defines an emotional bank account as one’s relationship with another – he says that “By proactively doing things that build trust in a relationship, one makes ‘deposits.’ Conversely, by reactively doing things that decrease trust, one makes ‘withdrawals.’ The current ‘balance’ of the emotional bank account will determine how well two people can communicate and problem-solve together.” Through Covey’s explanation, we can deduce that if we struggle to communicate with our spouse, we might want to question whether we need to make more deposits.

Deposits or acts of kindness, honesty, courtesy, integrity, and love strengthen our relationship, while acts of cruelty, disrespect, criticism, and betrayal are all withdrawals that weaken our relationship.

The weight of deposits versus withdrawals

Deposits are small, consistent positive interactions, while negative interactions are big withdrawals – like paying a ‘penalty’ when you make a withdrawal from your financial bank account. Too many negative interactions can quickly wipe out a positive emotional balance.

By the time most of my clients come to me, they have created a large deficit in their marital emotional bank account. Just like eliminating financial debt is through taking small steps daily, whether it be putting money away and avoiding spending, the same process is implemented with building up a positive balance in our emotional bank accounts. Learning how to make small daily deposits in our marital emotional accounts helps us “save up” for those inevitable negative interactions.

Then the better we get at the daily habit of turning towards our partner and making positive deposits, it permeates into helping us make deposits even DURING a conflict when we are pulling out of our investment. We become accustomed to making deposits, so when we start withdrawing, we can be more present by listening to them, seeing where they may be right, being able to understand where they are coming from, and being curious about what they have to say by encouraging them to tell you more.

Examples of negative interactions or withdrawals

  • Looking at your phone or turning away when your partner is speaking to you
  • Complaining or nagging
  • Talking negatively about your partner to others
  • Being sarcastic
  • Interrupting them when they are speaking
  • Critcizing their approach
  • Ignoring them
  • Diminishing their perspective
  • Not keeping promises
  • Avoiding physical closeness outside, and inside, of sex
  • Conditional love

Examples of positive interactions or deposits

  • Apologizing when you notice yourself doing any of the above
  • Listening to them when they talk, look in their eyes, notice them
  • Creating intentional time with them, reading, a walk, watching a show, cooking, a game
  • Welcome them when they come home
  • Be interested in their hobbies and their work
  • Find ways to laugh together
  • Take time to understand and know them (see Ep 37: Love Maps: Getting To Know Your Spouse)
  • Discover THEIR love language and take actions to speak it to them
  • Follow through on those things you promised
  • Get clear on your partner’s expectations, ask and come to a mutual agreement on how you might be able to fulfill those expectations
  • Loving without conditions
  • Physical closeness: cuddling, kissing for no particular reason, hugs and this is where the six-second kiss comes in!

When we’ve only been pulling from our emotional bank account, it’s important to recognize that big deposits may not be effective without the everyday small deposits. A long-needed vacation with your partner without implementing small daily deposits isn’t going to be sufficient to bring your account up to a healthy space, similar to paying off a big chunk of your financial debt without making changes in your daily savings and spending habits.

It’s important to start small, take action on things that make you feel just a bit vulnerable, and build up your courage bank. Every small courageous act of an emotional bank account deposit will help you feel more comfortable and confident with the actions you want to take. The more courageous and confident you get, the bigger your deposits get and the less you withdraw when conflict arises!

If you are interested in doing the work of wiping out your marital emotional debt and want help doing so, then an easy and fun way to start would be by joining my six-week Marital Magic course that starts this coming Saturday. Together let’s fall back in love with our spouses! We started this week with a bit of a warm-up and setting of intentions, but the real work starts this coming weekend and I would love to have you join this community of people who are excited to get re-inspired to create a marital relationship that they love being a part of!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner; it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level, then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.