The Quick Fix Myth

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

You are in pain in your love relationship, and you are seeking help, now, quickly, like yesterday. This is the case for many of the people I talk to who want to bring love back into their love relationship. When you think about it, many of us are like this with most of our goals; we decide it’s time to giddy-up, we jump on a horse we’ve never ridden, on a saddle that doesn’t fit, and wonder why a few miles into the journey we’ve been thrown off left to lick our wounds.

The bad news I have to share with you today might create all sorts of thoughts that make you feel disappointed, sad, hopeless about wanting to do the work it will take to turn your relationship around. Which, of course, will get you the same results you have right now, being out of love.

The good news I have to share with you is that by the end of this article you will have hope, desire and motivation to get started on your journey today.

The Relationship Quick Fix

This is similar to turning the light switch on, and πŸ’₯ there is love, romance, connection, joy. You decided for the moment that you were going to change your ways, you know, like telling yourself you weren’t going to eat sweets, ever. Slowly, over time you start to creep back to your normal self, slipping those sweets in here and there, wondering why you’re not feeling the love again. You decided to switch the light on, bury, and ignore your emotions without dealing with the root of your problem – why you want the sugar. You decided you didn’t want to be uncomfortable and look inside when your partner acted or didn’t act a certain way.

We start out doing things to make the other person happy, they respond, and we think everything is working fine. Because we are outside motivated, we slack off on the work we were doing, and in response, so does your partner, then resentment enters the scene. Again, we start looking at why they aren’t doing what they need to do to make the relationship work; we are looking outside of ourselves for satisfaction. We get angry at the sweets for being there instead of dealing with the discomfort of managing our minds around why we want them, instead of doing what we said we would do for delayed gratification.

We go back to what we always did, that which made us unhappy in the first place: avoiding, blaming, looking for immediate pleasure instead of working through issues, not managing our minds, resenting, going back to what is comfortable but not what we want.

The Life Changing Relationship Fix

We are the root of our own problems, and often, we don’t want to do that work. Why? For the exact reasons that we need to: because it sounds hard, it sounds uncomfortable. Easy never wins; think about all of the “easy” fixes you have had in your life; did they last? Did they REALLY make you happy?

The work of looking inside is an investment in YOU that will pay itself back in more ways than just feeling better in your love relationship. It will:

  • Improve all of your relationships
  • It will have you producing more than you have ever produced
  • You will have more energy than you’ve ever had
  • You will create more money and pleasure
  • You will lose the weight, feel calm and look better than ever
  • Creating that which you have always wanted to create

It is the work of reinventing a lifetime of hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and anyone who thinks they don’t need to do this work is settling for the life they have. I’m not saying that is wrong, but when you complain about that life, that’s when it’s wrong. That’s when you are missing the point.

The process of dealing with the root of the problem is creating slow self-pleasure releasing hits over and over again versus the self-ignoring buffering pleasure hits of your past. The daily joy that comes as you heal from the inside and create permanent change in your life feels good and very self motivating.

Re-wiring old neuropathways takes time, takes patience, takes consistent daily steps forward. It’s a continual journey to self-awareness and freedom from being at the mercy of self-limiting beliefs. It’s all-in on yourself, every day, and believing in the future that you are creating, one powerful moment at a time.

No matter what relationship quick fix someone may be offering you, there is no quick fix that is permanent. That would be like me promising you that there is a quick and easy way to losing your extra weight, forever. After thirty years in the health and wellness industry let me tell you, there is no quick fix for any permanent change in your life. Any quick fix over time will have you, at best, right back where you started though more often than not, in a worse place than where you started.

All permanent, long-lived solutions are life journeys where you re-commit daily to being better than the day before. To lose weight permanently, you have to be willing to work on mind management every day. Getting to your goal weight isn’t the end of the journey; it’s a continual journey to improve your relationship with food and yourself. Getting to your dream relationship is the same, every day re-committing to the work, re-committing to your partner, re-committing to yourself as you nurture and grow into your next best self.

That is why my clients hire me to help them along the journey to empower them to take the brave steps forward into the life they know they could live but the life they haven’t figured out how to step into.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Post Traumatic Growth With Monaye Marcia

post traumatic growth with Monaye Marcia

Today’s guest is Monaye Marcia of Monaye Marcia Coaching. Coach Monaye teaches her clients how to create a post traumatic growth mindset. This mindset is a positive psychological change born out of a stressful or traumatic circumstance. Achievement of this mindset not only helps her clients manage their trauma; they actually thrive and grow because of it.
Monaye coaches for The Divinity House, a trauma-informed re-entry home for formerly incarcerated women. She also is a founding member of The Coaches of Color Collective, a monthly roundtable that focuses on strengthening the black community by empowering their minds.Β Monaye also enjoys soaking up the sun in Nevada with her two children.

Listen in as this beautiful soul shares her journey into life coaching and how she helps the people she serves, enjoy!

Thank you so much for listening! Here is how you can find Monaye and the resources that she shared:

Monaye Marcia Coaching (webpage)

Instagram

Facebook 

Free course: Post-Traumatic Growth Mindset Formula

Book recommendation: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Stop Avoiding Your Lover

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

“You are cold-hearted and non-emotional, I’m tired of being ignored! I am always the one who has to plan our time together, obviously, you don’t care enough to put any energy into our relationship.”

Deb has had it, she just wishes Jack would change. She is full of resentment and tired of fighting against him. Instead of coming up with solutions, Deb starts finding ways to get away from her husband as a form of punishment. Punishment because she isn’t actually enjoying the activities she chooses to participate in, instead she is using them against Jack hoping that he’ll change.

One of the most common actions my clients take when they are experiencing some sort of negative emotion like resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation is avoidance. They decide to start “doing things for themselves” but not actually enjoying their time, they aren’t using the time to grow, explore and connect with themselves. Imagine this; you want to get in shape, like build some shoulders, glutes, and have a 6 pack but working out just doesn’t work for you. So instead you watch workout videos, athletic events, collect workout plans, apps, equipment but none of this gets you any closer to your vision, it actually moves you further from your vision. You are avoiding the actual work of it.

Let’s dig into the why of your avoidant actions.

Resentment has us wanting and expecting our partners to take care of our needs. We want them to do all of the things that will make us feel loved and connected because somewhere along the line, we learned that other people’s actions determine how we feel. “Make mommy happy by cleaning up your room,” “I’d feel so much better if you told me you loved me.”, “Give grandpa a kiss goodbye, so you don’t hurt his feelings.” Pay attention to other people’s conversations, pay attention to the conversation in your own head and notice how true it is; as you start to see the prevalence of this behavior, you can start deciding if you like it or not.

Let’s take a look at what it is you do when you are feeling resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation in your romantic relationship. Let me guess about some actions you might be taking:

  • Avoid
  • Blame
  • Complain
  • Expect them to change
  • Don’t proactively plan activities together
  • You spend more time at work
  • Go out with your friends more than usual
  • Search for things to do that you haven’t done for yourself in years, but not for enjoyment sake – out of resentment
  • Spend money on things that don’t matter for a temporary “feel good”
  • Maybe you eat more than you’d like
  • Have a drink or two more because that might get you in the mood of having a good time with your partner

Can you see how every single one of these actions are a form of avoidance? All of these actions have you changing into someone your spouse might not want to be with AND further away from someone YOU want to be with! It gets you further from your goal of creating an intimate relationship, both with yourself and your partner.

So what’s in the way of getting what you want in your relationship?

You. Yep, I typed that correctly. You are in your own way of getting what you want in your relationship. You are waiting for them to do the things you want them to do which gives them all of the control in your relationship and in how you feel. Boo! That won’t work for you my friend, trust me I’ve tried it, all it does is get you further from exactly what you want, which is lots of love.

How to stop avoiding your partner.

Now it’s time to start digging into all of the reasons you want them to do these things. We actually uncovered that in the story of Deb and Jack’s relationship, she wants him to make her feel good. Deb gives Jack all of her emotional power in their relationship, Jack feels manipulated if he abides by her demands without feeling honoring and Deb ends up losing herself in the process.

The first step Deb needed to take is becoming aware of this simple fact. We do this exact thing in so many of our relationships, we are expecting them to act a certain way, over and over and over again. We wonder why we’re getting so frustrated, the whole time forgetting how to fill ourselves up all on our own. When we keep expecting our love to come from an outside source we are always craving our next fix, looking for that next hit of pleasure outside of ourselves. These outside pleasures leave us empty, maybe overweight, hungover and sad.

To turn the cycle around, you will want to start taking care of your mental health; you’ll want to take your power back and start working on how you will find joy for yourself. You may ask why you should do that; you thought that’s what marriage was, your partner providing you with the love and support you need, that my friend is a lofty ask for anyone and quite dangerous. That will have your partner all weak and not themselves, continually trying to make you happy. That is a lose-lose situation for both of you. It’s time to let go of your manuals, start practicing emotional adulthood, and start nurturing that dried up love seed that you’ve unknowingly been neglecting.

The good news is this; when Deb started taking her focus off of Jack she started feeling so much better, she felt empowered, satisfied, responsible, and joyous which led her to start opening up in conversation with Jack. She doesn’t need him to fill up her joy tank because she is learning how to do that all by herself. Now Jack gets to be himself while she gets to enjoy her best life to date. Deb has learned how to Awaken her true self!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

Overcoming Pain With Phoebe Grace

Welcome to my first interviews with experts! My journey of curating value for my audience has been a beautiful journey of self-growth. Last month I started thinking about how I could provide all of you with more value and here we are, every last Tuesday of the month I will be bringing you an expert in the field of mental health. We all have different journeys, each bringing us our own set of obstacles and my hope is that these guest experts will help you reach out and find the help you are looking for.

Today’s guest is Phoebe Grace of Overcoming With Grace. Phoebe has been married for 11 years with 2 beautiful kids and a Labrador. She loves working with women to help them overcome some of life’s greatest pains, so they can feel free, worthy, and loved. She is passionate about helping them LIVE when they feel like life isn’t worth living anymore because of all the pain. Phoebe also spends her time with Jesus, her family, listening to music, eating delicious food, and watching with her hubby.

Listen in as this beautiful soul shares her journey into life coaching and how she helps the women she serves, enjoy!

Thank you so much for listening! Here is how you can find Phoebe and the resources that she shared:

Overcoming With Grace (webpage)

Instagram

Facebook 

Resources Phoebe shared:

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Vibrant Love Relationship

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Rachelle felt stuck in her current relationship, so stuck she has a hard time calling it a love relationship, she views it more as a partnership because the love she used to feel seems to have disappeared. Like all of her past relationships this one started out with fireworks yet this one was very different, she had a better perspective from the beginning. She stepped back a bit when things seemed to heat up too quickly, she didn’t let herself get committed too fast because she had seen where that got her. Yet, here she was again, in the same place she always landed, loveless and looking for the thrill elsewhere.

No relationship can maintain the whirlwind and energy requirement of the relationship that is born in a wildfire; eventually, there is a crash and burn with energy scattered out into other areas of your life, places that were neglected during the wildfire. The relationship deflates and gets neglected. You feel alone and can’t see how you have gotten to this place. You crave a healthy love relationship but have no idea of how to get there, much less where to start. Instead, you look for something new, a shiny new something to bring excitement back into your life, all the while pushing away that which you want most – a vibrant, lasting love relationship.

So, what is the solution to having a vibrant love relationship?

Rachelle was committed to her current relationship; she didn’t want to do what she had always done in the past – run away to something “better.” That commitment didn’t change how she felt though: tired, disappointed, lonely, hopelessly thinking this is what a lasting relationship looks like. She attempted to divert the pain by distracting herself with experiences, thinking they might bring joy back into her life: painting, time with girlfriends, retreats, sports; though these activities brought her life needed joy, they didn’t bring joy into her love relationship.

The solution to the problem of figuring out how to get from hopeless to vibrant in your love relationship:

Decide on what you want. Ask yourself this question and write down ten of your best answers: “Wouldn’t it be nice if <fill in the blank>.”

Deciding and defining what you want in your love relationship is where you start. Sure, you may not know “the how” to get those results but until you define what you want you will forever be stuck in avoidance, blame, and inaction.

That is what Rachelle did and here is how she did it:

  • She decided to be all in on her marriage and came up with a plan to fight for what she wanted
  • She defined her desires by writing them down and prioritizing them
  • She made an intentional daily plan of the steps she would take toward those goals, focusing on the one that was most important to her
  • She made this work a life goal that she would develop – not a “today” all or nothing goal
  • As she took steps forward into her unknown, she started to gain clarity and perspective, wisdom, knowledge
  • She re-commits to her goal daily and uses “mistakes” as data to learn instead of evidence of failure
  • She takes the process seriously because she cares; it is a priority for her
  • She stops assuming that she is destined to have a dull, unsatisfactory love relationship and starts fighting for her desires, for what she has defined as her wants
  • She prioritizes what is important to her in her life and makes them a daily habit
  • She assesses all of the other shiny objects in her life to determine whether they are helping her get closer to her goals or distracting her

It wasn’t until Rachelle clearly decided on what she wanted that she could start making that desire a reality in her life. Rachelle isn’t where she wants to be in her love relationship but she can clearly see how far she has come and is fully enjoying the process of making this dream come true in her life. As they say, she is starting to see the fruit of her labor.

What is it that you want out of your love relationship and how will you start making it a reality instead of a wish? Until you are committed there will be hesitancy, the chance to always pull back and stop feeling uncomfortable. Once you commit yourself then God steps in as well. A whole stream of events arise from that one decision that are in your favor; incidents, meetings, understanding, power, financial support that you would have never dreamed would come your way.

Cinderella says that a dream is a wish your heart makes, let’s make that wish into a dream that you create actionable steps to making your reality.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

When They Hurt Us

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

It was a chilly, crisp Fall morning, and she was wonderfully excited for another day of kindergarten. The brown-eyed four year old stood in her parent’s small kitchen eagerly waiting to run out the door to join her best friend in their new morning walk to school ritual. She adored her friend, always so cute in her Catholic school uniform, the girl cherished their time together before they would separate for the day, her friend off to the Catholic school across the street from the public school she attended.

Sometimes people do things that have us thinking in ways that create pain for us. Sometimes we carry those actions through our life like a horror movie we can’t get out of our heads. Words are spoken, actions are taken that shape us into who we are as an adult, continually creating pain and suffering that we never seem to move past.

That particular morning as that innocent brown-eyed girl stood in that small kitchen, she desperately wanted to run, she didn’t want to hear the words that were filling the air, filling her head, yet she stood frozen.

We have heard it said that hurt people hurt people, logically we get it but do we really? We’re hurt; we hurt people. Can we honestly get into the heart of that person that hurt you to possibly understand that their hurt has nothing to do with you? That their hurt just happened to be poured out on you in that moment, that it wasn’t about you but about their own pain and suffering?

Her mom was saying words that the girl would repress for years, only to wake up many years later to relive the scene, to remember the hurt. She wouldn’t be able to tell you what had happened in her mom’s world that morning to make her say those words. Words screamed out that changed that little girl’s world in ways she would never understand; until fifty years later.

In the past week’s I have been preparing a lesson for Celebrate Recovery, a lesson about repairing relationships. Today I thought I’d share a portion of that message, with some different insights.

What is forgiveness and why it can be a useful tool.

Forgiveness is the action of setting someone free from actions they took that may have harmed us. Around here we use the self-coaching model to look at these circumstances of words said or not said, actions taken or not taken. Those actions are circumstances in our model and we have thoughts about those actions that generate a feeling for us. Those feelings have us showing up and acting a certain way that is creating a result for us.

Those actions directed at you are also part of the “offender’s” model. They took action based on something they were feeling, created by a thought they were thinking about a circumstance in their life. Plug all of these items into a model and you get their result.

That morning the words “I wish someone would end your life today so I never have to see you again.” rattled through her brain as the girl sprinted out of the door as fast as she could. Tears streaming down her face and out of breath as she caught up to her friend, she straightened up and packed those way words down tight.

Ouch.

Forgiveness is for us. Forgiveness is to set us free from the chains that keep us connected to something someone did to us. Those chains create pain as they rub and chafe every time we dredge up those old memories, creating ongoing suffering in our life.

Forgiveness does not release the offender from what they did or condone their actions.

It is one hundred percent possible to drop those chains forever and begin to create a whole new, empowering story that serves you. It is one hundred percent possible to find love and compassion for the offender while possibly never speaking to that person again.

The process of forgiving.

  1. Reveal and recognize. We begin to acknowledge our pain and why we are experiencing this pain. We see our suffering isn’t coming from their actions, but from what we are thinking of their actions, what we are making those actions mean about us. We start by allowing our pain instead of repressing it, being truthful about how the circumstance is hurting us. We go through the process of learning how to feel the pain and understand why we are feeling it. We look at the actions we are taking because of the regret and resentment we feel. We start to see how these actions are only hurting us, creating results that aren’t in our own best interest, results we are getting that are completely under our own power to change. We begin to see how we are expecting them to do something so that we can feel better.
  2. Release. Then we learn how to start changing our current model so that we can start releasing them, as well as releasing ourselves of the power they have had over us. This isn’t “letting them off the hook.” this is getting US off the hook.
  3. Replace. The process of forgiving is the process of thought laddering. It’s the process of going from where we currently are to where we want to go, which is to a place of love, compassion, and understanding for ourselves and for the offender. It’s understanding that this will take time and committing to the work in honor of ourselves and the result we are working for.

Some final nuggets.

Before we can forgive others, we have to start with being able to forgive ourselves. If we are thinking thoughts that make us feel unworthy, possibly from something we’ve done or haven’t done, or because of actions taken by others, we will never be able to let someone else go. If we think of ourselves as unworthy and unlovable that means that somewhere deep down under it all, we believe that we deserved to be treated poorly.

Forgiveness is necessary when someone’s actions are creating pain for us, without forgiveness you will always be carrying the burden of that pain. In instances where we are able to see that someone’s actions are neutral, that they have nothing to do with us and everything to do with their hurt, we can move on. Their actions come from something they are feeling and thinking and it is for them to deal with however they choose to, it’s none of our business.

The words spoken out loud that Fall morning were not the first or the last to shape that little brown-eyed girl’s future. She went on to live a life full of repressed pain, resentment, and fear. Fear that no one loved her, leading her to a future desperately seeking to feel love in all of her future relationships, including the one with her mom. That little girl never understood that what she spent her life searching for was always available, deep down inside, waiting for her to find it, waiting for her to nurture it into life.

As another relationship began to crumble before her, the brown-eyed girl decided she was done fighting. Fifty years after that chilly, crisp Fall morning where she stood in that small kitchen, looking broken-hearted into her mom’s eyes, she decided to go to the mirror. She looked straight into her big brown eyes and told that five year old it was time.

It was time to awaken and discover who she was, to learn how to love.

She decided to awaken her true self so she could help you Awaken(YourTrue)You!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!