I was the biggest people pleasers out there, often doing things for other people. I thought I could make other people happy. I thought I could make other people like me by saying yes to them.
One of my problems is I also love to get involved in all sorts of things but this used to come at the expense of the things I valued the most.
Constraint has helped me a whole lot in this area. Now when I’m asked if I want to do something instead of jumping all over it because it sounds like so much fun, I take a moment to think about my time and what I’m really focusing on at the moment.
Let’s look at some ways to tell if you’re a people pleaser and then let’s look at ways to start being a you pleaser.
You say yes because it sounds like an amazing opportunity but you are in dread when you think about it.
There is a possible mixed bag of things going on here and it’s important for you to unpack it.
First I’d like to encourage you to work on your decision skills. As a people pleaser, you may want to tell the asker that you’ll get back to them so that you have some time to truly decide what you want to say. Then give them a time deadline of when you’ll get back to them and honor that deadline. Please make sure that you are all in with your decision, love your reasons either way.
Once you love your reasons continue to remind yourself of those reasons. As the event approaches and you’re finding yourself regretting your choice remember your all in decision and be all in. If it was a no and you’re finding yourself regretting not attending then again remind yourself of your all in decision to say no, love it and be all in on whatever else it is you chose to do at that time.
If your answer is no, really start working on just saying no without excuses. It’s completely ok to say that you’re not able to help out if it’s just for this time and you want to be considered for the future then say that, but ONLY if you mean it.
You offer to do things for people that you really don’t want to do.
This was a problem for me in my marriage because I did things to get love in return for what I did. What happens here is that of course, people can’t make you feel love, that comes from within yourself. Eventually what happens is we start to resent the other person because they’re expecting you to keep doing what you always did. You now stop doing what you always did and the other person is completely confused, with you having the result of resenting yourself.
Make sure your offer is coming from a place of love from within yourself, not for the reaction of the other person. When you do this you get the result of creating love for yourself because you’re doing what you really want to do.
Stop and ask yourself before you decide to do something for someone if you are doing it from a place of love for yourself, with absolutely NO expectations from the other person. This is not people-pleasing, this is self-love.
You have a difficult time ending a conversation or leaving a party.
I am waving my hand high here because this had ALWAYS been a problem for me! What would happen is I would stay on the phone longer than I wanted, get resentful, and then I’d end abruptly. Same at parties, as a matter of fact sometimes I would even ditch without saying goodbye. This my friends is all about people-pleasing by completely attempting to control what people think of you.
My suggestion for stepping out of this one is to be super intentional. Make a phone call to someone, decide how long you’ll talk, and then honor yourself with your decision. If you stay on the phone longer decide to do it out of love for yourself, maybe you’re really enjoying the conversation and want to stay on. Again: love your choice.
At parties visualize telling the host goodbye and just do it. Be uncomfortable. Thank them for inviting you and let them know what a great time you had. They may be sad that you’re leaving, it’s ok, staying won’t make them happy, it will be their thoughts that will make them happy. Again, if you choose to stay later, love your reasons, and don’t go into resentment, fully love yourself along with the reasons you choose to stay.
You guys, I love all of this and helping all of you see how your actions may not truly be coming from a place of true love in yourself but from trying to find love outside of yourself. This just doesn’t feel good, it always leaves us feeling empty.
Honoring ourselves and following through with what we say we’re going to do builds trust and love in ourselves and truly sets us free to love others unconditionally. This is true freedom my friends.
If you want to work on your journey to self freedom on a level that creates a massive change in your life then let’s find time to talk. God has created the perfect path in my life to understand everything you are going through in your struggles. I want you to know it’s ok, your life can start brand new today and I can’t wait to watch you fly free.
Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!
I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.
Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.