Four Ways To Tell If You’re A People Pleaser & Steps To Stop

I was the biggest people pleasers out there, often doing things for other people. I thought I could make other people happy. I thought I could make other people like me by saying yes to them.

One of my problems is I also love to get involved in all sorts of things but this used to come at the expense of the things I valued the most.

Constraint has helped me a whole lot in this area. Now when I’m asked if I want to do something instead of jumping all over it because it sounds like so much fun, I take a moment to think about my time and what I’m really focusing on at the moment.

Let’s look at some ways to tell if you’re a people pleaser and then let’s look at ways to start being a you pleaser.

You say yes because it sounds like an amazing opportunity but you are in dread when you think about it.

There is a possible mixed bag of things going on here and it’s important for you to unpack it.

First I’d like to encourage you to work on your decision skills. As a people pleaser you may want to tell the asker that you’ll get back to them so that you have some time to truly decide what you want to say. Then give them a time deadline of when you’ll get back to them and honor that deadline. Please make sure that you are all in with your decision, love your reasons either way.

Once you love your reasons continue to remind yourself of those reasons. As the event approaches and you’re finding yourself regretting your choice remember your all in decision and be all in. If it was a no and you’re finding yourself regretting not attending then again remind yourself of your all in decision to say no, love it and be all in on whatever else it is you chose to do in that time.

If your answer is no, really start working on just saying no without excuses. It’s completely ok to say that you’re not able to help out, if it’s just for this time and you want to be considered for the future then say that, but ONLY if you mean it.

You offer to do things for people that you really don’t want to do.

This was a problem for me in my marriage because I did things to get love in return for what I did. What happens here is that of course, people can’t make you feel love, that comes from within yourself. Eventually what happens is we start to resent the other person because they’re expecting you to keep doing what you always did. You now stop doing what you always did and the other person is completely confused, with you having the result of resenting yourself.

Make sure your offer is coming from a place of love from within yourself, not for the reaction of the other person. When you do this you get the result of creating love for yourself because you’re doing what you really want to do.

Stop and ask yourself before you decide to do something for someone if you are doing it from a place of love for yourself, with absolutely NO expectations from the other person. This is not people pleasing, this is self love.

You have a difficult time ending a conversation or leaving a party.

I am waving my hand high here because this had ALWAYS been a problem for me! What would happen is I would stay on the phone longer than I wanted, get resentful and then I’d end abruptly. Same at parties, as a matter of fact sometimes I would even ditch without saying goodbye. This my friends is all about people pleasing by completely attempting to control what people think of you.

My suggestion for stepping out of this one is to be super intentional. Make a phone call to someone, decide how long you’ll talk and then honor yourself with your decision. If you stay on the phone longer decide to do it out of love for yourself, maybe you’re really enjoying the conversation and want to stay on. Again: love your choice.

At parties visualize telling the host goodbye and just do it. Be uncomfortable. Thank them for inviting you and let them know what a great time you had. They may be sad that you’re leaving, it’s ok, staying won’t make them happy, it will be their thoughts that will make them happy. Again, if you choose to stay later, love your reasons and don’t go into resentment, fully love yourself along with the reasons you choose to stay.

You guys, I love all of this and helping all of you see how your actions may not truly be coming from a place of true love in yourself but from trying to find love outside of yourself. This just doesn’t feel good, it always leaves us feeling empty.

Honoring ourselves and following through with what we say we’re going to do builds trust and love in ourselves and truly sets us free to love others unconditionally. This is true freedom my friends.

If you want to work on your journey to self freedom on a level that creates massive change in your life then let’s find time to talk. God has created the perfect path in my life to understand everything you are going through in your struggles. I want you to know it’s ok, your life can start brand new today and I can’t wait to watch you fly free.

Book your free consult session here or send me an email with some days and times that will work for you. Once you start you will never turn back.

 

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Why Someone Else Isn’t Causing Your Feelings

It’s what I used to think.

I used to get so mad when people didn’t act like I thought they should.

I spent so much time and energy trying to change people in my head.

Thank God I now know differently because now I have complete freedom to feel however I want, no matter what anyone else says or does.

I now have so much more energy to focus on things that matter.

It’s true that other people don’t cause our feelings but yet it’s not what we’re taught.

I beg you to read on so that you can grasp what I’m saying and start the process of changing.

If you’re a mentor for young children, please read this so you can start changing the way you teach the next generation.

We’re taught that what we do or what others do to us is what causes how we feel, this is a lie.

“You’ll make grandpa sad if you don’t give him a kiss goodbye.”

“If you don’t put your toys away mommy is going to get mad.”

“He’s angry because I didn’t do what he said I should do.”

These things simply aren’t true.

If grandpa gets sad because the kids don’t give him a hug and a kiss then that’s on grandpa. IF grandpa actually does get sad  it’s only because he has a thought that creates sadness for him. The actual circumstance has nothing to do with it. Grandpa might actually be quite happy whether the kids give him a kiss or not, don’t set your kids up to learn that they actually have to do something to make someone feel loved.

If you ask your child to put their toys away and tell them that if they don’t you’re going to get mad, it’s not because they didn’t put the toys away. It’s because you have a thought that makes you mad about the fact that they didn’t do what you asked them to do, the fact is completely neutral. Getting mad and then acting out on that emotion just teaches your children that they are the manipulators of your actions. The question to ask yourself is what are you making this mean? Why do you think the kids aren’t putting their toys away? Do you think it has anything to do with you?

If your boyfriend is mad at you because you’re not doing what he thinks you should do, then what would it say about you if you did what he thinks you should do just to make him feel better? It says that you are a people pleaser because you are only doing it to make him feel better and not doing what you think you should do. Your boyfriend gets to think whatever he wants to think and if he choses a thought that makes him mad then he has just given you power over his emotions. This is none of your business and all his.

For myself, I learned at an early age to seek love outside of myself. I didn’t realize that I was love, that I had value, that I was enough so I put my love in the hands of others. How people treated me was an indicator of my lovability so I did everything I could to make sure that people liked me. This put me in such a disempowered position because if someone didn’t show me love in return then I made that mean something about me.

People are allowed to have opinions about us and what we do, their opinion doesn’t mean anything about us, unless you make it.

People get to do whatever they want to do and if it makes you feel a certain way it’s because of the thought you are having about what they are doing.

People can get mad at you because of something you do or don’t do but that is completely on them.

One thing that helped release me from resentment and anger was allowing myself to accept that people can have their own opinions and those opinions may not be the same as mine. That people may have opinions about what I do or don’t do and that it is completely ok. People can think whatever they want about me and what I’m doing but when I have confidence in myself then it doesn’t make me mad, resentful or disempowered.

One last thing I want to share is on emotional childhood.

Emotional childhood is when we blame other people for how we are feeling. Emotional childhood puts our emotions in the hands of others which is a strong motivator for me to be curious about what is happening for me.

There are a few specific situations where I still get stuck in a thought loop causing a feeling that puts me in a place of disempowerment. This is where my coach makes all of the difference. She helps me to see what is keeping me stuck, helps me wiggle out of it and sets me free to go create magic. Some situations are easier to get out of than others, thought patterns that have been with us for a while take some time to work through but taking your power back opens you up to so much more of the life you were created to live.

 

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

How To Create Amazing Friendships That You Love

I used to wonder why it was that I didn’t have many friendships.

I thought it was possibly because I just didn’t trust many people.

I thought that possibly it was because I was an introvert.

I thought it was because I wasn’t likeable.


I was always comparing myself and my “friendships” to those that other people talked about.

Interestingly enough though, now I feel like I have lots of amazing friendships.

What’s changed?

Me.

That’s right, it’s kind of like what Dr. Wayne Dyer talks about when he said “Change the way you look at things and the things around you change.”

You see, while I’ve met plenty of new people that I consider friends, that isn’t what has changed because plenty of the people I’ve known for a long time I now look at differently. All of this is because I have been doing the work of truly discovering who I am and with powerful intention, living that out.

What does this have anything to do with creating friends? Read on my friend and find out how you too can create amazing friendships in your life, without even meeting anyone new.

Love yourself.

When you love yourself you have self confidence in yourself which means you get to be yourself and you don’t allow people to control how you show up.

This of course, is the most important step because when we don’t love ourselves it’s quite difficult to truly love others. We’re always being someone else for the people, showing up how we think they want us to show up and this doesn’t leave us any room to actually enjoy the time together.

I was always trying to people please, controlling what other people think of me in an effort to get them to show me love in return, which is completely exhausting. No wonder I wanted to go home and be by myself!

When people would ask me to do things with them these were my go to responses:

  • make excuses as to why I couldn’t make it
  • say I would go, then ditch at the last minute
  • say I would go while dreading every moment up to, during and after the engagement

Not anymore! Now I either say yes because I want to go and I’m all in or I say no because I want to say no and neither has anything to do with the reaction I’ll get from the other person.  My responses are genuine, I’m being fulling honest about what I want to allow into my life and I love my reasons.

Let people be who they are and fully love them.

Then decide whether you want to spend any time with them.

Did you know you can love someone but not agree with how they live their life? Did you know that everyone, yes, everyone, is fully lovable? Yeah, really.

When you learn how to love yourself you also learn how to allow people to be who they are, without it affecting how you feel.

This was a breakthrough for me with the people I now call friends. I let them be themselves, I get to be me and I get to decide how much time I spend with them. 

Friendships only require one to participate.

This is full freedom.

This means that you can be friends with someone and they may not even know you exist! The other thing I realized as I was thinking about this is that the opposite is also true, there are people out there who think you are their friend and you may not even know them. 


This is true my friend, you have friends you don’t even know.

If you are one of those people in my life I sure hope you introduce yourself to me, I want to get to know you and have an opportunity to share the relationship!

This actually sank in for me one day when I was talking to someone and I mentioned a “friend”, I actually paused after I said that and revisited it later coming to the following conclusion. You see, the reason I had paused during the conversation was because I had stopped momentarily to contemplate as to whether I truly was a friend with the person I had been talking about. Upon further reflection I truly realized that this person was a friend to me and though I didn’t really know whether this person would agree that they too were friends with me, it didn’t matter. I considered her a friend, no matter what.

This was a breakthrough for me on many levels. First, it demonstrated how far I had come in my journey of going from not having any value for myself to falling fully in love with who I was created to be. It showed me how I was no longer at the mercy of what others thought of me.  Secondly, it sent me back to before I started this love journey. It sent me back to a time when I felt like I didn’t have any friends and though I felt like this, I would tell other people all about my friends, with guilt and shame, so that other people would think that I had friends. 

AKA people pleasing.

Also known as controlling how other people thought of me.

Let others be wrong about you.

 

This one of my favorites, I stole it from my Master Coach, Brooke Castillo.

This gives me complete freedom to love myself and let others not. Some people just won’t be your friend, and that is ok, you can still love them with all of your heart!

If you’re feeling like there is something wrong with you. If you wonder why you don’t have any friends. If you wonder why you don’t feel connected to any of the people you are calling friends, then let me share a little fact with you, you are not alone. I was there with you. Actually, I had lots of “friends” but none of them felt like friends. 

Something has changed and it’s not them.

Something can change for you too, I promise it’s possible.

 

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

One Simple Way To See If You Trust Yourself

Most of my clients who struggle with low self esteem really think that they trust ourselves, like in the way that we will always be there for ourselves because there isn’t anyone else out there we can trust, until I ask them the following question.

Today I want to challenge that thought.

I want you to find out the truth, I want you to discover if you really do trust yourself.

Or not.

Ask yourself how many times per week you do what you told yourself you would do.

Maybe just ask yourself about today. How many times today did you follow through and do what you told yourself you were going to do?

“I’m going to eat ‘healthy’ today.”

“I’m not going to have a drink tonight.”

“I’ll call so and so after work.”

“Tonight I’ll clean that closet.”

How many times have you carried over that one task that you have been telling yourself to do for ummm, a month, maybe even longer?

Let me do a bit of a confession as I type, I have one task I’ve been ignoring for oh, maybe six months now (dentist appointment – it’s a long story but it has something to do with a switch in insurance – no excuses, I know). Done.

So, thank you for making me accountable but let’s go back to the point. The point is that if you tell yourself to do something and you consistently let yourself down you have set a pattern for yourself of assuming that you’re going to let yourself down.

I mean let’s look at that friend of yours who is consistently late to Gfriend dates, maybe even doesn’t show up, do you trust her to show up on time?

Look at yourself honestly and then decide if you like not trusting yourself.

I didn’t like it so I decided to change it, more on that tomorrow!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

My One Best Tip To Loving Yourself

Here it is, are you ready? Just decide.

I see you shaking your head and rolling your eyes, all mad at me for the worst piece of advice ever, but before you click off the page, please read on because this short article might just change your life.

It really is just a decision, I’m not saying it’s something you decide today and life goes on to a happily ever after, but what I am saying is you get to decide whether you want to love yourself or not.

This in of itself, was truly magic for me once I allowed it to really sink in. You see, I had never been taught that this was even available for me, or if it had I most certainly was absent on that day of class.

The reason you feel like you can’t move forward with that decision is because of your brain. Your brain likes to keep things simple. You have ran a series of thoughts for so long in your life that they have become deeply engrained neurological pathways. Sort of like walking. There was a time when you didn’t know how to walk, it was difficult, you fell down a lot, now you no longer have to be deliberate about taking steps, it’s committed to our primitive brain.

Same with those thoughts like:

“I’m fat.”

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m not good enough to do such and such.”

Insert your own negative mantra.

They may seem harmless, I hear you say it like you’re reporting the weather. These are thoughts you’ve had for so many years they’ve become habit. The work to change those neurological paths will need to be deliberate and it starts with making a choice today to start a new mantra.

The beginning is going to be rough, your brain is going to argue with you. It’s going to tell you that you’re a liar, that you don’t know what you’re talking about, that you’re just talking nonsense, I mean really? Did you look in the mirror today?

What I teach my clients is how to unlearn everything they have taught themselves about themselves.

I teach them how to start trusting themselves.

I teach them how to start saying positive things to themselves and change these new thoughts to absolute truths.

I teach them how to find love from within and how to stop trying to manipulate others so that they can feel love.

Love starts with you my friend and it’s just a choice you get to make.

Will you chose love or will you continue the hate?

If you are running a continual thought loop of how you’re not good enough then I would love to start the conversation with you about how my program can turn your life around. I see how wildly successful you are, now imagine actually enjoying this life of success that you’ve created. Book your consult today, I can’t wait to watch your life take off! My One Best Tip To Loving Yourself

 

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.