How To Start Feeling

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If you’re anything like me, you have done a good job of teaching yourself how to repress your emotions. Happiness, joy, anger, love, powerlessness, excitement, sadness, successful, disappointment, discouragement, I taught myself to dull it all. I had a belief that it protected me from getting hurt. I believed strong people didn’t show their emotions. Funny thing is that one of the best things I learned how to do years ago after hiring my first coach was to question all of my beliefs. Believing the way I had been only kept me from living out loud the way I love to live. It never kept me from getting hurt, I just unknowingly hurt myself ahead of time.

Now, as a coach myself, I have learned that I wasn’t alone with my old beliefs about feeling emotions. Many of my clients struggle with even knowing what emotions are, much less describing them, naming them, and allowing themselves to explore them.

Today I’m going to teach you about what feelings are, why they are so important, and how to start recognizing and feeling your emotions so you too can start living out loud. This is my fourth article in a seven-part series where I teach the five components of the most important tool I teach my clients, the tool that teaches them how to self-coach.

What are emotions?

My dictionary defines it as a conscious mental reaction (such as anger, fear, joy) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

That starts to get a bit complicated and you can go on to get more complicated if you chose but I like to simplify as much as I can. My basic definition of emotion, which I will also interchange equally with the word feeling, is simply a vibration in your body. All emotions are triggered by your thinking.

Simply put, we have a thought about something in our life; that thought creates an emotion or a vibration in our body. That emotion drives the actions that we take. It’s that simple. That fact is why I talked in detail about thoughts and positive versus negative thoughts; because they create how we feel. Our circumstances do not create how we feel. Our husbands coming home 20 minutes after they said they’d be home doesn’t create how we feel. Him sitting on the couch watching sports after dinner doesn’t create how you feel. It’s what we think about those two things that determine how we feel.

Note that this is very different from a physical sensation that is felt in your body when you are cold, hot, when you stub your toe, or are REALLY hungry.

Why feeling and recognizing our emotions is so important.

These vibrations in our body are signals that tell us what to do, they drive the actions we take. Years ago those vibrations kept us alive in so many ways, like when a tiger was in the area. Feeling joy would have had us as dinner, fear produced chemicals that got our brain problem solving and running as fast as we could to avoid imminent death. Desire kept us alive by producing chemicals that allowed us to procreate, keeping our species alive.

When we are tuned into how we are feeling, we can better understand the actions that we are taking. If we’re fascinated by the fire enough to touch the flame and burn ourselves, we learn to respect the fire for what it can do and use it to our advantage, not to our destruction. We can also start becoming curious about what we are feeling and begin to ask why we are feeling the way we are. Understanding our current emotions helps us to start problem-solving, it helps us to decide how we might change to feel differently. When we are able to problem-solve and find solutions we advance ourselves, we evolve and become stronger versions of who we are.

When we recognize how we are feeling, we start to find clarity around the actions we are taking. If we like how we are showing up and know what emotion drives that, we can begin to develop a thought system that re-creates that positive action-driving emotion. Similarly, if we don’t like the actions we are taking, we can look at what emotion is driving those negative actions and start becoming aware of the negative thoughts creating that feeling. For example, let’s say you have a fantastic weekend with your lover, maybe you even had a pretty good week prior, enjoying time together along with great conversations and you also left him a love note. You could look at what emotions you were feeling on those days and what thoughts drove those emotions. Alternately, when you have a day where you are feeling disconnected, withdrawn, and your hugs are just habitual movements, you can look objectively at why this is happening. Ultimately it is because of an emotion you are feeling generated by a thought you are thinking.

How to start recognizing and feeling your emotions

The first thing you want to do is pause and tune into what is happening in your body. This is where most people stop. They don’t see the importance of pausing and tuning into their body. They think they’re losing time, it’s nonsense, it’s all woo-woo. Those thoughts alone are creating an emotion that is driving the action of not learning how to take care of themselves. The action of not learning how to step into their next best version. The action of not believing in themselves.

Once you prioritize the minute to pause you will start describing what is happening in your body. Here are some simple questions to ask yourself:

  • Where is the feeling centered in your body?
  • Does the feeling radiate inward or outward?
  • Does it feel hot, cold, warm, cool, neutral
  • If it had a color what would it be?
  • Is it bright or dark?
  • Is it prickly, smooth, hard, soft, squishy?
  • Does it make your heart race or does it slow you down?
  • What is this feeling making you want to do?
  • Why are you feeling this emotion?

Then define the emotion. Naming the feeling can be as simple as good or bad to start, but as you do this practice, start exploring more specific emotions, use this chart to help you out. I suggest you do this exercise three times a day; it only takes a minute. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner time or set the alarm on your phone and do it every six hours. If you are feeling something that seems to be stopping you from moving forward, like rage or excitement, please pause, run through the questions and start getting familiar with them. I created a worksheet to help you with this process, download it to help you with this process.

Of all the parts of the self-coaching model, this step will be the most productive on its own. Once you are able to get really good at identifying how you are feeling in any situation, you can start digging into the other elements in this series so you can start putting the individual pieces together to solve any problem you are experiencing in your life. Because you feel emotions physically, you can tune into them and ask yourself what they are telling you.

If you’d like help learning more about your thoughts and what they are creating for you, please read this post and download the free Relationship Abundance mini-course I included in that article. The course will help you start changing your autopilot thoughts and empower you to think thoughts that propel you into the future relationship of your dreams!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Your Love List

Three weeks ago I started a seven-part conversation about a process I teach my clients that helps them look at their thinking, it’s called the thought download. When we’re able to see our thoughts on paper it helps us to understand why we’re feeling the way we do. Last week I discussed the difference between the facts and the drama in that thought download. After learning how to separate out the facts from our drama we are left with all of our thoughts and that’s what we’ll be digging into today. Read through to the end of this post to find a free course I offer to help you with this exact process.

So why are these thoughts so important? The thoughts we think will always determine the results we are getting in our life, good enough reason? All of the results we have gotten in our life have come from our thinking, you can even look back and prove this to be true. Think back to times in your life when you were thinking things were just not going your way, then ask yourself what your thoughts primarily consisted of during that time. Were they mostly positive? Probably not. Then go back to times when you were on top of the world, do you remember much negative thinking?

This week I want to help you start using those thoughts you see in your thought download to help you start feeling better, starting with some awareness. I often share that the beginning of change is awareness. This awareness actually makes your brain consciously pause and recognize, or attempt to recognize, what you habitually do. Before you create awareness you are just going along, doing your thing, maybe even recognizing the fact that you don’t like what you’re doing, but doing it anyway. Today we’re going to work on short-circuiting what you are doing on autopilot.

Let’s dig into those thoughts on that paper.

Facts versus thoughts

Last week I talked about fact versus drama but today let’s do an overview. Often times we think that our thoughts are true, I see it happen all of the time with myself and with my clients. We might truly believe that our husbands are “hard”, “unloving”, “passionless”, so much so that we’ll search for evidence that proves our story. Then someone tells us about how sweet and kind our spouses are and we are all over arguing their perspective. The truth is, all of your descriptors are exactly that, your description of how you are seeing your spouse. I’ll even bet that there was a time in your relationship where you thought he was a shining knight, a passionate lover, a kind and caring man. Trust me, my friend, he hasn’t changed, it’s just your current thoughts about him and someone else thoughts about him.

Unless everyone in the world can agree on the sentence or it can be proven in a court of law, it’s just a thought. Take out the drama, the emotion, the description and you’ll have some facts. See last week’s thoughts for some examples.

Positive thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel good. The thought will generate a positive emotion.

  • He takes care of me.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He chose me.

Negative thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel bad. The thoughts generate a negative emotion.

  • He never kisses me when he comes home.
  • He never comes up with ideas of things to do.
  • I’m not having fun in my marriage.

Net positive or negative thoughts

Now you can look at that thought download you did and sort it out:

  • Put an “X” through any facts. There probably won’t be many, that’s why it’s called a “thought” download.
  • Circle your negative thoughts.
  • Put a line through your positive thoughts.
  • For every positive thought you drew a line through, also draw a line through one of your negative thoughts.

What you have remaining, the sentences that are not crossed out, are your “net” thoughts. Do you have negative or positive thoughts left? Remember, there are no right answers here. Most often at the beginning of doing thought downloads, you will have more negative than positive thoughts, though it can change from day to day. When we are feeling like our marriage is broken and unfixable we are often in a cycle of thinking negative thoughts. So much so that we rarely have positive thoughts about our spouse or our marriage to each other, we’re constantly seeing everything that is “wrong”.

The following exercise will help you short circuit this habitual thinking pattern you have created and help you change, getting you a new perspective.

Creating your new love list

This exercise starts teaching your brain to start looking for something different than what you’ve taught it to search for. You will start by deliberately finding positive thoughts about your partner and your relationship. If you’ve been in the habit of seeing all of the negative it will take some work to find even one positive thing to think about your spouse, this is where you learn to ask positive questions. If you start asking yourself positive questions your brain will start going on a different search. You have been sending it on a search for what is wrong with your husband and your relationship, now you are sending it on a search for what is right about all of it. To begin, you will find it difficult to find something positive but keep asking, your brain will find them. Notice the resistance you have to the positive thoughts that it comes up with, your brain will want to tell you these new thoughts are not true. It’s ok, challenge yourself to believe them anyway.

Once you start finding some positive thoughts I’d like you to start creating your new love list:

  • Start writing them down in one place, start a list.
  • Start reading them throughout the day, adding a new one when your brain offers one to you.
  • Continue asking positive questions about your partner and your relationship.
  • Say them out loud so you can hear them, especially right when you wake up and before going to bed.
  • Use an affirmation app like ThinkUp to help you with this new process.

Start noticing your thinking in action.

Now you can start experimenting with noticing when your brain is thinking a negative thought in action. When you notice this thought pause, ask yourself what love would say, and come up with something positive to think. Maybe you even check that list and insert one of your new love list thoughts.

Becoming aware of your thinking allows you to overcome any of the problems in this life and in your marriage. Once we discover the truth behind the fact that the only problems we will ever have in this life are with our thinking, then all the problems become solvable.

If you stick to this practice and make it something you do daily, I promise your current thinking patterns will change. Soon you will not even notice those things you are noticing right now as negative because you have taught your brain to search for the positive. You have taught your brain to search for love because love is what feels best. I have created a free mini-course called Relationship Abundance which is based on everything I shared today and I am sharing it with you today. It will help you go from thinking negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage to seeing how to change that thinking. Even better? It will help you with anything you are struggling with right now, like maybe that job? Your mom? That co-worker? Yep, it will help with all of the relationships, even your relationship with money!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Facts Verses Drama

Today I’m continuing the conversation around the most powerful and freeing tool I teach my clients how to use, the thought model. Last week I talked about the power of getting our thoughts out of our head by doing a thought download and I shared this relationship thought download worksheet to help you with the process. This step alone can move you forward but if you follow this seven-part series and step beyond taking the “junk out of the junk drawer”, you will see how to start creating the life you dream of.

This week I’m going to teach you the difference between the facts and the drama on that list you took out of your head and why it’s so important to know the difference. So often we think that our life circumstances are creating good or bad things in our lives but I teach my clients something different. I teach them that it is the thoughts they have about those facts that are creating the good or bad they are experiencing. This week I’m going to share a freedom that when it was revealed to me, kind of broke my brain. Read on.

Let’s start by looking at facts and thoughts, or drama, separately.

Facts

These are provable, non-emotional statements. Everyone in the world would agree and they are clearly provable in a court of law. Some examples of facts:

  • My husband had three beers last night.
  • My husband said, “I don’t want to go out to dinner tonight.”
  • My husband vacuumed the floors last night.
  • My husband spent $4,000 at the casino last month.

Drama – Thoughts

Thoughts are purely our interpretation of what is actually happening in the world. Thoughts are our opinion of the facts, not the truth. Thoughts usually have emotion, description, subjective words in them.

Some examples of thoughts that we might think about the above factual sentences:

  • My husband drinks too much.
  • My husband doesn’t like going out with me.
  • My husband is so sweet.
  • My husband is selfish.

The fact that our thoughts about reality are optional and changeable is that one completely freeing fact I have to share today. It allows us to question it all, everything we believe.

Does it hurt your head to imagine this concept? It did mine. This might seem simple silly or it might sound completely abstract difficult, either way, please just play along for a bit, just entertain the possibility. If you do this work consistently you will eventually understand and experience new freedom. Knowing certain thoughts you’ve believed most of your life are optional, that the pain they bring is optional, knowing the thoughts that feel like raw truth can be thrown into the trash, liberating. If you learn how to find the facts and separate them from your thoughts you will create magic knowing all of your thoughts are optional. It makes all the difference in re-creating your most important life relationships.

The freedom in knowing that a thought is 100% optional means you have the power to change it. You have the power to change it to something that brings you different results, not the results of your past. Just knowing this fact logically will make your mind start looking for something different and testing new ideas. Knowing that every thought you think is optional, that you get to decide whether it is serving you, whether you want to keep it, is the crack that can let the light in.

Now know this, I also suggest you start questioning thoughts you want to believe and to not let this scare you. Some people are afraid that questioning a thought they want to believe in, like their faith in Jesus Christ as their Savior, could cause them to change their minds. This is 100% possible, you might find evidence that could cause you to change this belief, yet having more evidence allows you to have stronger evidence of what you choose to believe.

I won’t be suggesting you just change, or stop thinking the thought that isn’t serving you. Before you can actually change your thought and produce something different you really have to understand what is going on right now, that you are actually producing a negative result with your thinking. Fun work; just stick around and practice, I promise this works because it’s the real truth.

Benefits of separating out the facts from the drama

Once we can get to the point where we can see the facts as 100% neutral, we can start conceptualizing that any thought is possible. We can start to see when a thought produces pain or tightness and be able to dig into what thought is causing the negative vibration in our body. Even when a thought feels awful, noticing that thinking anything different is impossible at the moment allows us to feel the sting while allowing it, recognizing it and not fighting it. Knowing that it’s just a thought that hurts at the moment and that something different is possible allows the pain to ease a bit. When you’re ready to open up to the possibility of something different, that your thought might be wrong and that it is truly just a thought, then you can start exploring something different.

Next step: implementation.

Last week you practiced doing thought downloads and this week I suggest you continue that practice, just adding a minute on to the end of your practice to look at each sentence. As you look at each sentence decide if it’s fact or drama (a thought). Draw a line through all of the facts on your list. Not many facts in your thought download? No surprise, that’s why it’s called a thought download! Our brains love to fill up with all sorts of thoughts, many of which don’t serve us and glaze over the truth. Follow up next week when I share some information to help you understand those thoughts on your download.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Brain Flossing

Today I am kicking off a seven-part series where I take a deep dive into the individual parts of the tool I used to change my life. The thought model is a tool that simply helps us look at what is going on in our head and deciding if our thinking is serving the life we want to create. That’s it. It’s a straight forward concept but usually a bit abstract for most of us because it’s not something we’re ever taught growing up.

The thought download is simply the practice of sitting down with pen/pencil and paper to start transferring what’s going on in your head and putting it on the paper for you to see. I have developed a daily practice of doing thought downloads, very much like the regular practice I have of flossing my teeth. When I forget to do either of these two practices, I feel dirty, unhealthy, and yearn to do as soon as I realize I missed my practice. Like any practice that you have done and now do it on daily, this too will take dedication to your mental wellness, and just like your health wellness; it will become part of what you do to be your best self.

We call it a thought download because most of the sentences floating around in your head are just that: thoughts. As you do this work, you will discover that very few of the sentences you take out of your head and put on paper are actual facts.

What exactly are thoughts?

Thoughts are observations, opinions, ideas, judgments, reflection, contemplation, recollection, expectation, anticipation. All of these definitions of a thought help reinforce the truth that thoughts are not facts. They are sentences that we make-up or observe about the truth or reality, that is happening around us.

It is not a truth.

Next week we are going to dig deeper into thoughts vs facts but for today let’s just say that facts are not subjective or just existing in our mind. A fact actually exists and is real without any sort of description: actual words said, actual actions taken.

Let me share some examples:

Thoughts versus facts:

  • “My husband is funny” verses My husband said: “Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.”
  • “He drinks too much.” verses “He had two beers on Monday night.”
  • “My husband thinks I’m fat.” verses “My husband gave me a scale for Christmas.”

Most of us are completely unaware of our thoughts or the impact that they have on the results we are creating for ourselves in our life. Doing thought downloads helps us get off of autopilot and in control of our life and relationship destination. They help us move closer to the goals of the relationship we desire instead of driving us in the opposite direction. In our marriages, we often have many thoughts that we’ve repeated so often that we now believe them. We believe he is a poor communicator and that he always needs to be right without even taking a look at where those believes are taking us in our love relationship. Let me tell you, they are not getting us to love and blissful living!

Why write our thoughts down?

Writing our thoughts down is what creates awareness for us but it also cleans our brain out, just like flossing our teeth. If you have ever journaled you might think back and wonder why you enjoyed journaling or even the opposite, many people don’t enjoy journaling. Journaling feels good because we get what we are thinking out of our head, it gives us a moment of clarity, clear-mindedness even if you don’t do anything with the thoughts you’ve written down. Often when people don’t enjoy journaling it’s because they are afraid of looking at what is in their head, they have a thought that it will make it real, that it might somehow hurt them. The truth is though that they are only words and that’s why I tell you to write everything down when you start doing thought downloads. The most important thoughts to write down are the ones you don’t want to write. Sentences like “I hate them”, “He’s a jerk.”, “He eats like a pig.”, “He is so unloving and cold.” they are ALL thoughts and the fact that you are thinking them just means you’re a human. Once you learn the process of doing a thought model you will learn how to look at those thoughts and decide where they are coming from, what they are creating for you and decide if you want to change them. Also, I believe there is often fear that your partner might find your thought download and that you have the ability to hurt them. One, you don’t have the ability to hurt them and two, you can throw your thought download away if it makes you feel better.

The difference between journaling and a thought download is that a thought download doesn’t need to tell any story or be logical. It is just a list of sentences that you are thinking and possibly a few thoughts. Think junk drawer, opening it, taking everything out and seeing everything for what it is, no judgment about why it’s in there.

What do you do with these thoughts?

The answer to that question is why I created this series, I’m going to break it all down for you over the next seven weeks. Until then it’s just the process of cleaning them out of your head and taking a look at them, just like the first step of cleaning out the junk drawer. You will start evaluating what you took out of your head and decide which ones you like and want to keep. What you won’t do right now, or ever, is judge them as bad, they just are. This is an exercise to learn and grow, not an exercise to beat yourself up in an attempt to quickly change to something you might not be ready to change to. It’s like eating all of the pie and then beating yourself up, it gets you nowhere except quicker to the next binge instead of learning something from the experience.

Thoughts are our emotion generators. Whenever we are feeling a certain emotion a thought is drawing it. A negative or bad emotion comes from a thought we’re thinking and the same with a positive, or good thought.

As you go with me through this series I want to encourage you to play along and see what thoughts you are creating on a day to day basis. I want to encourage you to take 10 minutes every day to do a thought download, that’s all it takes. You can do it early in the morning before you start your day, my suggestion, or over your lunch or in the evening. I often do them multiple times a day if I find myself getting stuck in some sort of mind drama and unable to move forward in my day, it’s great medicine.

By the end of this series, you’ll have an awareness of how your thoughts are creating the life you are currently living, the marriage you are now living, as well as how to start changing them so you can create the life you dream of living. Just start this week, every day, doing a thought download, see what you have stored up in your head, no judgments. If you want my Relationship Thought Download worksheet to help you with this work then just click on the link and grab your copy! Next week I’ll teach you how to keep the thoughts you want and let go of the ones you don’t want.

Thoughts drive everything we do, they are so very important! Starting to pay attention and create awareness will help you begin the process of changing them. We can’t change what we don’t see as a problem!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!