Guilt Explained So You Can Start Stopping It

After hearing my master coach instructor Jody Moore explain guilt in a plain and simple fashion, my mind exploded a bit. I compared it to how I experienced guilt and then I quickly went on a mission to terminate my ongoing relationship with guilt.

Guilt is when you have two different things you want to do at the same time, choosing to do one and then feeling guilty that you didn’t choose the other.

Have you committed to doing one thing and now regret your decision, causing you to think about backing out? This too could cause guilt but I would beg you to consider why you originally agreed to the commitment. Did you agree out of a place of wanting to make the other person happy? If so, you may want to read my article on people pleasing. If you’re not wanting to do something you committed to maybe something has changed for you between the commitment and now, in that case you could save yourself time and energy by either declining or just following through.  Otherwise it’s quite possible that you agreed out of a place of wanting that person to like you for saying yes to them.

This used to happen to me all of the time and of course I was a people pleaser on top of it all so I would say yes to things I didn’t truly want to do, then of course when they rolled around I would not want to go and then feel guilty about it.

In order to help you understand what happens I’m going to run through an example:

It’s Friday and your girlfriend sends you a message asking if you want to go to dinner after work. It’s sounds like an amazing idea, you haven’t seen her in forever. Then you remember that you had been planning on heading straight home to your lounge clothes and snuggling up with that good book you started last week.

Let’s pretend you say no, you go home after work, and feel guilty about not saying yes to the dinner date.

Let’s do a thought model on this scenario:

You’re thinking “I should have said yes” which is causing you to feel guilty, which makes you ruminate about what you should have done, beat yourself up for not being a good friend, not enjoy your book or the couch or your evening at all, you maybe even think about sending her a message to see if the offer is still valid.

Result: you say no to you.

When I see myself doing this sort of silly nonsense I stop that nasty guilt right in it’s tracks and start changing my model. Let me show you how:

I decide that I want my result to be that I say yes to me in this scenario.

In order to get this result I decide to be all in with this decision, stop wasting time and energy ruminating and beating myself up, do what I said I was going to do and enjoy it thoroughly and find time in the future to create an amazing time with my girlfriend.

In order to follow through with these actions I will need to feel something like self confident, courageous, self love.

To feel self confident I will need to think something like “I am going to follow through on my original plan.”

Using the thought model to help me see the result of my thoughts helps me clean up my brain and start thinking in a way that gives me the results that I want in my life.

This is how you start getting out of your own way.

I hope this helps you to be able to look at how guilt is playing out for you in your life and then allow you to also start eliminating it.

If you struggle with guilt and feel like you would like further help stepping out of it, I would love to walk you through it, I’ve got you! Set up a program inquiry session or send me an email with your questions. I make it my mission to help people like you set themselves free from guilt so they can move into their purposeful life.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Shame: What It Is, Why You Feel It And How To Set It Free

Let’s start out with what shame is.

I love my coach instructor Jody Moore’s definition of shame that she used in a recent coaching session:

It’s what we feel when we do something that is out of alignment with who we want to be.

This has been the best description of shame for me because it resonates with me and when I feel shame. For me, it truly does come from times when I’ve done things that were way out of line from who I wanted to be as a human in this world.

The reason we feel the shame:

Judgement.

We judge ourselves negatively for doing the thing that we really don’t want to do.

We think that if we beat ourselves up over what we did it will somehow make us change.

Kind of like thinking that yelling at our kids will make them change.

Thankfully, it doesn’t work like that.

Thankfully because once we become aware of this truth we discover that the solution is within us, not outside of us.

We start realizing that beating ourselves up is giving us the opposite of what we truly want.

What actually happens is we start to get used to the feeling that shame generates and then continue to create the feeling over and over. Our body gets used to the chemical response and will continue to create it every time we do something out of line with who we ultimately want to be.

Our brain likes to look for what’s wrong and you have trained it to continue to respond this way because you’ve done it enough times that it’s now a conditioned response.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m never going to learn.”
      • “I’m stupid.”
      • “What is wrong with me?”
      • “Of course I did that, I wouldn’t expect anything better.”
  • I yelled at my child:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m an awful mom.”
      • “I can’t control my emotions.”
      • “I’m ruining my children.”
  • I spent money I didn’t have:
    • learned responses:
      • “I don’t know how to manage my urges.”
      • “I’m irresponsible.”
      • “I’ll never have any money in the bank.”

How to set it free.

The path to setting shame free is multi-faceted but let’s take a look at how to start the journey.

  • The first step is to become aware of your negative self talk.

When we do something that is against the person we want to be just start to become curious about how you treat and talk to yourself. What do you say? Are you treating yourself with love and compassion? My guess is you are not.

  • Start journalling.

Write down what you did and all of the things you made what you did mean. Write down how those words make you feel. How that makes you show up for yourself.

  • Start generating new thoughts.

From the examples above they might look like:

    • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
      • new responses:
        • “I’m open to the idea that I can figure this out.”
        • “It’s possible that I’m smart.”
        • “There isn’t anything wrong with me”
        • “I am becoming the person that expects the best from myself.”
    • I yelled at my child:
      • new responses:
        • “I am becoming the mom I want to be.”
        • “I am learning how to control my emotions.”
        • “My children are going to be amazing.”
    • I spent money I didn’t have:
      • new responses:
        • “Someday I will be able to allow my urges.”
        • “I might be wrong about the thought that I’m irresponsible.”
        • “I will be a person who has money in the bank.”

With time, as you begin to believe the new thoughts, you will be able to create stronger thoughts that will take you to the person who recognizes shame before she lets it in the door.

With time you will be able say hello to shame and kindly ask it to leave.

You can become the person that tells shame that it is no longer welcome because you have replaced shame with self love, self compassion, self confidence.

If you are someone who struggles with shame I would love an opportunity to share a conversation about whether my program is a fit for you. As you become more confident in the possibility of you and creating the life you know you were created to live I’d love to encourage you to slide into the fast lane of your life purpose.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Coaching VS Therapy And How To Choose What’s Best For You

When you have made the decision to be all in on you it’s important that you know the difference between therapy and life coaching. Most of us are familiar with what a therapist does, yet the majority of people still feel shame around the prospect of “seeking help”, they have this mistruth that if you seek guidance you are weak.

If this is the lie you are telling yourself then you are carrying around the wrong kind of pride and probably a bit of fear.

Let it go my friend, take control of your own destiny by learning how to smash the obstacles that you keep putting in the way of your best life.

When I finally set down my pride and decided I would no longer wanted to live a life of denial, I automatically turned to a therapist. I had been seeing a counselor with my husband, asked her for a referral and then started my journey.

It’s all I knew. It’s what most of us know.

But I want to spread light on what an impact a coach can do in the life of a highly functioning, successful person like yourself.

At about the same time that I picked up my courage to call a counselor, I stumbled across the Life Coach School and started absorbing their teachings.

Therapy was the catalyst that got me started on my journey to freedom from myself, yet it wasn’t truly propelling me forward.

Coaching propelled me into my future self.

After working with a life coach all I can say is, for me, I most likely will never go back to therapy, even for my marriage or family.

Let’s look at some specifics and differences.

Therapy

There are all sorts of therapy out there and I definitely believe there is good, solid reasons to utilize the different types based on a person’s specific needs. Please do your own research to determine which therapy may be appropriate for you and your specific conditions.

  • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most like coaching because it focuses on a person’s thinking, behavior and problem solving.
  • Psychotherapy is usually long term therapy that focuses on the past and unconscious thinking that drives present behavior. This can be an effective form of therapy for true repressed memories but often too past focused to be effective for a high-functioning person to move forward.
  • Psychiatrists are able to prescribe and manage medications.
  • Psychologists focus on psychotherapy and treating emotional and mental suffering with behavioral intervention
  • Marriage and family therapists (MFTs) focus on the dynamics of marriage between both parties and the larger dynamic of family relationships.
  • Exposure therapy

This is not an all inclusive list so again, please do your own research. Therapy is a regulated industry which means they are licensed and take insurance.

Basically, therapists will help you recover from past trama, help you work through depression/anxiety when it is affecting your ability to function and help you through a divorce or loss of a loved one.

Life Coaching

Let me start off by comparing life coaching to what I did for the athletes I coached for 28 years with my company On Track Training. I would find out where the client was right when I met them, find out where they wanted to be and then take them on the path to getting there. I would ask questions about their history up to when we met to collect data, which helped me determine how we would create the path. I was the trained professional athlete they were looking for, I gave them enthusiastic support and guidance as well as giving them my objective perspective and insight.

That is exactly what I continue to do as a life coach but now with my client’s life. I am a trained professional who guides you into maximizing your potential and attain your desired results.

I talk to my client about where they are now, then find out where they want to be and then lead them along the path between here and there.

I specifically work with my clients to help them create the life they know they were destined to live. I help them figure out what that looks like and then guide them along the way to making it reality.

I am an expert at transforming women’s lives.

Life coaches do not diagnose, they will simply identify and describe current problematic behaviors and help the client work on modifying them.

Life coaches take their clients to the highest levels of performance and life.

We are experts at producing the highest level of positive change in their client’s life.

We focus on the present and future while advancing the client’s potential.

People that hire a life coach are already knocking life out of the park, they are already successful but they want to succeed at a higher level and faster.

We help you create the future of your dreams, now.

I love how my coach, Brooke Castillo, states that coaching essentially assumes that the client is okay and is full of potential, whereas therapy assumes the client is “sick” or “dysfunctional” and seeks to heal them so they function “normally”.

Once you feel confident, are able to set down your pride and let go of the denial that you can do it on your own, I’d love to talk to you about whether a life coach is a fit for you.

Hiring a life coach does not mean you aren’t good enough to do it on your own, it means you’re wise enough to seek the guidance that will blow up your true potential.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Pride, Women, My Mission And How They All Tie Together

As I was doing some coaching work on my past eating addiction the idea for this post was born. I was doing the work of looking at an event, this was one long event, from the past and re-writing my story about it. This practice allows you to take a negative story from your past and release it by telling the story in a way that empowers you.

If you haven’t done this work, let me tell you, it is life changing.

While doing this work my brain exploded a bit around pride, so let’s just talk about what pride is and how you can use it for or against, not only yourself, but others.

Let’s start with just two different types of pride, positive and negative pride, and then dig into how they not only affect you but others.

Positive pride.

Positive pride is when we have confidence in ourselves, self respect. When we are proud of our achievements and the achievements of others.

I also had a bit of brain explosion as I went deeper into my reflection when I realized that the opposite of positive pride is to be ashamed of yourself or someone else.

Let me tell you a truth right now, if someone else is ashamed of you that means absolutely NOTHING about you and your worth. You are fully worthy, no matter what anyone else says or does to you.

Negative pride.

Negative pride is when we have a false sense of superiority over others. It comes from a place of conceit and arrogance.

Note the word false.

This ultimately comes from lack of self confidence and self respect because we are insecure in ourselves. We are afraid of exposing ourself because of what others might think.

This kind of pride will keep us from seeking out help for ourself, or even our close loved ones. It makes us think about what others will think, keeping us from doing what is right for ourselves or for others who might need our support.

How can this affect others?

If you are asking this question then congratulations, you have been not just reading my content but doing the work of applying it.

Most people would believe that if we are proud or neglectful of others that it would affect them by causing them to either feel good or bad. If you have been reading my content you know that another person cannot make us feel a certain way, it is our own thoughts that create our own feelings, actions and results.

Here is where my mind exploded a bit.

As parents we have a responsibility of raising the next generation. As parents we come into this role with all sorts of our own hurts, habits and hang-ups which will influence how our little ones will start to make decisions for themselves.

This is why I am so on mission to help as many women as I can end their life of insecurity, worthlessness and self loathing.

When a woman gets out of her own way, starts loving herself, starts honoring herself, starts becoming proud of who she is and what she does, she passes that on to the next generation.

My true passion is children and ingraining in their developing brains that they are fully lovable, no matter what they do. My way of being able to do that right now is through the women who are influencing these beautiful minds.

If you change who you are today into the woman of possibility, what an impact you will have on the world.

This is why I do what I do.

Let’s change the world, one brain at a time.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.