Relationship Buffering

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This week I want you to look at all of your past love relationships to see if you can find a common thread. Is your common thread that they start out high energy, highly pleasurable, high doses and quantities of dopamine shots? Many relationships start out this way, similar to the effects we get from food, alcohol, drugs, spending money; you get a relationship love hit and it feels so good you keep going back for more. Eventually, your relationship can’t sustain that type of energy and when those dopamine hits start to fade away it’s like an addict who can’t get their fix, they start looking for something new to create that same feeling.

Maybe you’ve been in and out of so many relationships you’ve decided to settle, but your brain still wants that rush of pleasure so you start looking for the fix elsewhere. You start avoiding the relationship that you want more from, the one you’re unwilling to give in. Working on love feels uncomfortable and awkward while your partner seems unwilling to do any work to make it better so, why bother?

Upon reflection, many of my clients also see this pattern in other areas of their life besides in their love life. They find themselves seeking the high of feeling better through other external actions like eating, binging, over-drinking, spending money on temporary feel-goods, pornography, other relationships, exercise, body improvements, anything that makes them feel better temporarily while avoiding the root of their problem. Chasing but never finding lasting fulfillment.

Today we’re going to take a look inside the life of one of my clients, for the sake of anonymity I’ll name her Michelle.

Michelle grew up with what she called a tattered relationship with both of her parents. Michelle was full of resentment stemming primarily from the thought that she didn’t receive the love and nurturing she needed, especially as a child.

Michelle constantly sought love outside of herself, including getting involved in relationships where she did things that were not her typical modes of operation, actions against her integrity, in an effort to fit in and please. In an effort to feel the love in reciprocation of her acts.

When Michelle looked back over her life, in particular at her love relationships, she discovered that she was always seeking some sort of high out of her relationships, she was addicted to the feeling she got at the onset. Michelle thought this was what love was. Eventually, the relationship would fall into a pattern of her not feeling the love; she’d get bored and blame it on her partner.

Michelle’s typical response would be to end the relationship so that her partner couldn’t hurt her by leaving her and move on, looking for someone else, someone more exciting. Michelle also noticed several other similar behaviors that created responses she could control – drug use, overeating, binging with over-exercising mixed in, over-drinking, spending money on things that provided a temporary good feeling.

Michelle decided she was tired of where her life was going. She felt stuck in a cycle, knowing that there had to be something better than what she was experiencing. Stuck in her current relationship, she decided to do something different. She decided to start figuring out the root of her problem and see if she could resurrect her love relationship with the person she was with.

To begin Michelle started working on herself, this included work around healing her past and reconciling what was happening in her addictive behavior characteristics. She wanted to figure out how to feel good on her own, end her self destructive behavior, stop escaping and start feeling it all instead of resisting.

She told her current partner that she was beginning a journey of self-discovery, of sorting out issues that she had been long repressing and pretending weren’t a big deal. She told him that she loved him and was committed to their relationship but wanted some time to create a relationship she had been neglecting her whole life – the one with herself.

As Michelle did this work she began seeing her life through new lenses. She started creating relationships out of existing relationships that she now fully enjoys just as they are. Re-writing her past into a beautiful story of strength and power has helped her more clearly see her life purpose. She sees that the joy she had been seeking outside of herself was always there for her to access, planted inside of her and now she is on the journey of nurturing it into life. Through all of this work Michelle has been doing, her relationship with her partner is blooming again, daily doing the work of creating a love relationship where love sticks around.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Swimming and Emotional States

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If you’re wondering what swimming and emotional states have to do with each other then you are about to find out. Personally, I love to swim and believe it is a great antidote when experiencing an emotional state that you want to process. With it’s repetitive, automatic motion, the relaxing sound of the water movement, fresh air filling your lungs, with blue sky speckled with clouds and sun rays dancing off the water, heavenly and thouroughly meditative. If you are someone who has swum in one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota for the majority of your life, you will totally get it. Swimmer or not, I think you will be able to appreciate my following swimming analogy when it comes to our different states of emotion.

I came to this analogy while going through an extended β€œnegative” emotional period. I put the word negative in quotations because I prefer not to name an emotion negative or positive, all emotions drive us to take actions, negative emotions have us taking actions that typically keep us from moving forward. In contrast to that thinking though I want to offer that negative emotions, when processed correctly, can actually move us forward by helping us to see what we are creating and using it to learn. When we learn something from any experience we are moving forward.

Some people wrongly assume that once you have experienced working with a coach you will never experience negative emotion. Wrong. This life is meant to be both good and bad, it is a balance called life. Don’t let this assumption keep you from working with a life coach, having someone on your side helping you navigate life is the best gift you could ever give yourself, as well as everyone in your life. Coaching makes going through the negative a whole different experience, read on.

So what is the β€œ50/50”?

When I say 50/50 I’m talking about negative versus positive emotional states. β€œGood” times versus β€œbad” times. Times when we feel open and are moving forward versus times when we are feeling closed in and stagnant.

Life will always be a balance of both of these emotional states, often we have times when that ratio is skewed one way or another, more often to the negative.

Currently, I am using the swimming analogy to compare negative emotional states as being under the water while positive emotional states as being above water and looking at a blue sky with the sun sparkling off the water like millions of diamonds.

During this negative emotional state that I was experiencing, I observed that it had been a while since I had endured a mental state that I couldn’t move through. I was then able to compare how this state felt now, after working with several different life coaches, to life prior to learning about coaching.

The 50/50 before life coaching.

The negative 50 seemed more like a 80, 90, or 99. I felt continually pushed under the water by outside forces, against my own will. I believed most of my life was gloomy, and that made the positive barely visible. I needed outside stimulation to make that little bit of positive feel right; no wonder I overate, over drank, or overdid most anything that could make me feel better. All of this proves the philosophy that what we look for, we will find because there were plenty of people who saw my life as perfect.

Once in a while, I would come up for air, and when I did, the sky was mostly cloudy. Even when I used something outside of myself to feel better, I never felt like I ever saw the sun. Whenever I was under the water, maybe I could see the sun, but it was only through the dirty murky water and barely visible.

The 50/50 after coaching.

As I was going through this particular negative stretch what I noticed was that it really wasn’t all that bad. Yeah, I was feeling a bit under the weather but I described it more like bobbing on the water, every once in a while slipping under the water but still being able to see the sun because the water was clear. All the time that I was under the water I knew that the sun and fresh air were right there and I could pop up to grab some. I knew I could stay there a while and enjoy it’s beauty as it sparkled across the waves and then I would pop down under again. All the while knowing it was no big deal. I knew that this was something I was creating, that I could feel it all and be ok, the shore was just a few breaststroke’s away.

In review of the before and after what I most want to impress upon you is the difference in energy between the two scenarios. The “before” scenario keeps you stuck in a state of suffering while the “after” scenario allows you to be present with your pain while continuing to move forward with your life dreams and goals.

There you have it my beautiful friend! Life will always be the contrast of good and bad, the negative along with the positive. When you know that the bad or negative all comes from our thinking, your life will completely change. You will be able to see your emotional states for what they are, that you are creating it all with your very own mind and that you have the power to change it. You enjoy the swim because all around you there is the good with the bad.

Self coaching and working with a coach helps us to see what we are experiencing and why. We can see it is temporary, meaningful and that we are all ok.

Self coaching and coaching will show you that the way to the other side is just a vibration in our body created by our mind with our thinking.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Minding Your Own Business

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

I have found myself getting in the most trouble relationally when I’m in other people’s business, and it happens way more often than I care to admit. My mind loves to make up stories about what they are doing and why they are doing it, which often turns me into one defensive bugger, capiche? If you do, then welcome because that’s what I’m digging into today.

If you have ever made up stories about what our partner is doing, why they are doing it, and how they should be doing it differently instead of minding our own business, then read on my lovely! Today I share why we do this, how it is limiting us, as well as our relationship, and how we can start letting go of being in everyone else’s business.

How we get into other people’s business.

I’m going to get started by sharing some examples as well as what you might be making their words or actions mean. These may, or may not, be examples out of my own self-coaching journals πŸ˜‰.

  1. You are quietly doing your morning self-coaching, and hubby comes up and asks if you’d like to eat breakfast outside.
  2. You’re preoccupied with things that went on during your workday, and your partner says, “You seem a bit bugged.”
  3. He’s sitting on the couch watching his favorite sports team when there is obviously work to be done.
  4. She pours herself a drink before your quiet time together.
  5. Your co-worker asked you to call a customer back to answer their questions.
  6. Your bestie didn’t send you happy birthday wishes on your birthday.
  7. Your neighbor didn’t wave at you as you drove by and waved at them.

Believe it or not, these are all neutral circumstances that could be happening in your life or mine; what we commonly do is attach meaning to these neutral circumstances. As an exercise, I’d love for you to come up with some of your neutral circumstances that happened in your day today or yesterday.

What are you making their words or actions mean?

I have been asked this question so many times by coaches that I now understand what to look for when asked. The first few times I was asked this question I was a bit confused as are my clients when I first ask it of them. The question seems a bit tricky, like “What do you mean what am I making it mean?” All this question is asking is that you uncover the story you are making up in your mind about the circumstances. Let’s look at some possibilities around the above examples.

  1. You make it mean that he is suggesting you stop doing what you are doing and get making breakfast. Rude.
  2. You make it mean that he thinks you’re mad at him for something. He’s so selfish!
  3. You make it mean that he isn’t interested in helping out with household chores.
  4. You make it mean that she needs alcohol to be able to enjoy time with you.
  5. You make it mean that this task is below her, that your time isn’t valuable.
  6. You make it mean that they aren’t a very good friend.
  7. You make it mean that they don’t like you.

Granted, you might not believe that you are making up a story, you may 100% believe that your story is true but how then is that story you’re telling serving you? How is that story making you feel? How is your story making you show up? My guess; probably not the way you want to show up as a partner, a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor. What are you thinking?

Why?

Next, I want you to ask yourself this question; I want you to ask yourself this: why are you choosing the story you are telling yourself? This is another question that results in funny facial expressions, you know the one, the “What are you talking about?” look. It’s ok; I remember that look, the one that says, “Come on, you know why I’m thinking that!” Often, we have ideas of how other people should show up in our lives; we have manuals for them. We want them to do things the way we think they should so that we can feel better. If they did something different, what we wanted and expected them to do, it would give us validation. There we are again, wanting someone else to validate us.

Here’s the complex observation I have made in my own life though, when they show up differently, I often STILL think they should be doing it differently! So confusing, do you agree? So what can we do to feel better?

Mind your own business.

Capiche? Keep your thoughts focused on you because we have no idea what is going on in the other person’s model. We have no idea why they are doing what they are doing; in fact, we could come up with some reason that are opposite of what we are making it mean!

Spending our time and energy trying to change other people so we can feel better is something we spend way too much time on. Time we could be spending enjoying our self-coaching, grateful our partners care about how we’re doing and relaxing after work. We could make pouring a drink mean a desire to drink. We could make our coworker’s request mean that we’re really good at customer service. We could make it mean that our bestie just forgot and be the one to reach out to share your love. We could make our neighbors’ actions mean nothing about us and everything about what is going on for them in their life.

Minding our own business and sorting out what is going on inside of us is some of the best work we will ever do, it allows us to show up as our authentic selves while allowing others to do the same. Minding our own business will enable us to be who we are while letting others be who they are and loving them for all of it. I’d love for you to get curious about how you might be meddling in other people’s business by asking yourself these questions, letting go of what you’re making things mean and working on just being the person you want to be. I’d love to hear your thoughts as you implement this work and as always, let me know what you’re struggling with!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Results Driven

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Humans, in general, are results-driven, whether we even know it or not, we are always creating some sort of result. I have always been result-driven, I went to college thinking I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer, figuring out the solution to problems on paper seemed very logical and came fairly easily for me. Wonderfully, it still serves me today because I like thinking about my desired result and work backward from there. So the day I found the self-coaching thought model, I was a bit in problem-solving heaven. The truth is that in my life, I haven’t always believed creating the results I wanted to be as possible as figuring out the result of an organic chemistry problem. That is until I found the self-coaching thought model.

This week we’re on week six of my seven-part series, where we are breaking down the very first, and most important tool I teach my clients, the self-coaching thought model. If you are just joining me this week, I invite you to go back to the first post in the series, my brain flossing post, and get yourself caught up before you join in here.

What is a result?

A result, according to Google, is a consequence, effect, or outcome of something. When we look at the self-coaching model, the result is the end of the model; it’s what we come up with when we see all of the actions we take. Your emotion fuels those actions we are feeling. The emotion we are feeling comes from the thought we are thinking about the circumstance in our life. Pure math. Sort of.

The result line in the self-coaching model is our result only, the result we are creating for ourselves. It will never include someone else’s result or what someone else is doing.

Past results

So now that we know where our results come from we can look at every result we have gotten in our past and see that we ourselves created that result. It wasn’t because of something that someone else did, we created it with our thinking. Stay with me, keep following along and this will start to make sense.

Let’s look at an example of a circumstance of a past ended relationship. Remember, we are always looking at ourselves; what actions did you take to create the result of leaving a relationship? What feeling drove those actions? What thought were you thinking about that specific relationship that made you feel that way? Obviously, there are many, many, many circumstances, or facts surrounding a broken relationship but we only need to look at one at a time to find that we created that result for ourselves.

Current results

The same goes for where we are right now in our life. Let’s use the example of being in a relationship with someone you have chosen. Maybe you think your result is that you are unfulfilled in that relationship, what actions are you taking to create you being in that relationship? What emotion is driving those actions? What are you thinking that creates the feeling you feel when you think about being in a relationship with that person?

Future results

Now let’s look at the circumstance of being in that same relationship that we talked about in the current results above. Let’s say you want the result of being fulfilled in your relationship. Now you can ask yourself how you’ll need to act, feel, and think about that very same relationship. We will need to change our current thinking so that we can get to this new result. We will have to think like our future self, the person who has already reached the result of being in a fulfilling relationship. I know, a bit mind bendy but 100% possible.

Our thinking creates our results and this is why I encourage my clients to think big, not limiting themselves, to write down all of their dreams. I help them not to fail ahead of time by telling themselves that their goals are only fantasy.

Action steps

This week I want you to start looking at your past, present and future results. Start writing them down, start a list for all three, and keep adding to them daily as you think of more results you’ve achieved or want to achieve. Write down the positive along with the ones you chose to think of as negative. Your brain will gravitate to the ones you consider negative so make sure you balance it out with those you believe to be positive, Then I want you to consider how you think about the ones you consider to be negative. What if you thought differently about them? What if they actually weren’t negative but exactly what you needed to help you move forward into something different?

Truly getting the results we want in our love relationships and our lives are just math. Over the past six weeks, I have broken down each part of the thought model equation. The thought model is the answer to every problem in our life; everything fits into the model, so now we can start playing around and creating results we want. Now that we can see our current results and how we achieved them, next week, I’m going to help you put it all together. You’ll learn how to use the equation to begin creating the love relationship of your dreams.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Actions Speak Loudly

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. It’s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. I’ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

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