Being The Watcher

Being The Watcher | Relationship Coaching

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

If you have ever had a time in your life when you have watched something from afar or from a place of curiosity, then this process will resonate with you. Being the watcher is just that; you have no thoughts, no judgment, or suggestions; you only watch with a neutral, open mind. Being the watcher of your relationship will help you step out of the thoughts that are causing pain and frustration for you without changing who your partner is; you learn how to sit in a place of neutrality and observe what is happening on all sides of the story.

During the first week of this new year, I used this tool abundantly with some unexpected circumstances in my life. Let’s say that after the holidays and lots of reflective, goal-setting time, I was ready to dive into the year and start producing results. It turns out, life had other plans for me, and the unexpected circumstances that life handed me sent me down a road I hadn’t planned on traveling.

A road that I wanted to argue with until I noticed that arguing with this reality wasn’t getting me good results either.

The first day and weeks of 2021 brought a series of events that most certainly were not planned, and this uncertainty helped me learn more about what is important when life throws you a curveball. These uncertain events helped me to look at the curveball from a distance, assess the whole situation, and decide who I wanted to be as these events unfolded. I went to my future self and asked her how she got through these events; I thought about how I wanted to think and feel about myself, and then I did my best to live into that model.

Long story short, we had a dog in the house, which over two weeks declined markedly in health, to the point of losing all mobility in her hindquarters on New Year’s Eve. Watching this decline occur, helping to care for a dog that couldn’t take care of its own needs, building in time around what I had previously scheduled on my calendar, and managing my brain was an interesting lesson, to say the least. I shared the experience last week when I wrote about Loving Without Limits and a dog named Luna.

When we want to argue with reality, as Byron Katie tells us, we will lose, but only 100% of the time. Oftentimes though, our brain still wants to argue with reality. My brain was telling me all of the reasons this wasn’t right, that I had plans, and now my lack of being able to attack those plans is setting me up for failure in the 2021 goals that I so diligently put into place. Stepping aside, getting out of my head, and looking at everything that was going on from a place of neutrality has been a gratifying learning experience. Watching ourselves take control over what our brains do on autopilot so that we can actually steer the plane in the direction we want to go is a process that empowers us to step back and show up in a way that we will look back and be proud of.

Destination control, let me show you how to get there.

Becoming the watcher of your life

First, I want to suggest you start simple; this process can be a bit “mind-bendy,” and if you’re not used to meditation or any other process that helps you step out of your brain’s state of chaos, then just like learning how to ride a bike, start slow. You do this by finding something to practice on BEFORE you are in the middle of a highly emotional circumstance, learn how to sit and observe without any thoughts and emotion.

The beginner watcher process

  • Pick a pet, or an inanimate object like a coffee mug, focus on it for 5 minutes.
  • As you sit and observe, watch the thoughts that travel through your mind and the emotion they create.
  • See if you can let go of the thoughts and see what it is you are looking at with complete neutrality, no words.
  • As you see thoughts come in that create emotion, let them go and come back to neutrality, “it’s a cup,” “it’s a dog.”
  • Play around with it and be curious, notice how the thoughts make you feel and how you feel when you let them go.

How to apply the watcher to your relationship and why it’s important

As you get better at the process, you can start adding more emotionally charged items into your practice. Maybe you have a neighbor that drives you a bit nuts, watch them from afar and see what happens as you let go of your thoughts and notice it is a person, maybe a woman, nothing good and nothing bad, just a person. Start gently letting go of the thoughts that create tension for you. You can also do this process with something from your past, recent, or further back. Visualize the scenario, watch the thoughts your brain comes up with, let them go, and see if you can look at the scene with no judgment, no words.

After you’ve practiced this for a bit, please give it a go with your partner. Start with applying this practice when they are doing something that makes you feel amazing, step back and peel your thoughts away, and see them without words. Next, you can use it when you feel negative emotions about your partner, see if you can let go of your opinions and see them for who they are, no right and no wrong but a human.

The benefit of becoming the watcher is that it moves us into a neutral emotional state, and when we are in an uncharged emotional state, our mind opens up. When our mind is open, it allows for empathy, problem-solving, reasoning, creating solutions instead of only seeing what is wrong. When we can only see the problem, then the only way for us to feel better is for them to change; as you learned in The Relationship Fix, that doesn’t work. Learning how to be the watcher of your life allows you to move through the muck of what you might be currently experiencing, and instead of being consumed by it, you’ll start to see what there is to learn in the muck.

The more you apply this process the easier it gets, I’d love to hear how you are applying the watcher to your relationship and what you are learning from it, send me a message by hitting the button below! If you would like to experience what it’s like to experience the watcher then come to one of my social media lives or my Ask Christine Anything calls and I’ll walk you through the process!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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Loving Without Limits (and a dog named Luna)

Loving Without Limits (and a dog named Luna) | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Lately, I have played with the consequences and benefits of loving without limits, and through this play, I have discovered new ways I want to think about how I love. I wondered what it might look like to love without limits in my own life and how I can continue to keep stepping closer to this reality.

Today as I write this post and reflect on the past three weeks of my life, I contemplate much. The events that have unfolded since Christmas of 2020 until this moment are all now written in the books of our life, but as I walked through these past days, nothing at all was certain except for one thing: uncertainty.

Certainty and expected uncertainty are definite upcoming topics wrapped up in my learning over the past three weeks. Still, today I will be sharing what these days have taught me about loving without limits.

These past three weeks have brought a laundry list of emotions ending by going through the depths of pain felt in the loss of what we call “man’s best friend.” I have experienced the loss of many pets in my adult life and every time marveled at the depth of pain I experience in these losses.

This latest loss I experienced somewhat second hand because it was my daughter’s dog, Luna, we lost during a period where Shandi lived with us. During this experience, I spent many moments being the watcher to step out of my emotional state and hold more understanding, empathy, and compassion as the experience unfolded.

In this experience, I was able to feel my own pain and step back to understand how Shandi’s heart was being squeezed dry as she did everything within her power to do what was best for Luna.

Here is the gold nugget I rescued about loving without limits and a dog named Luna.

The pain we experience in our loss is directly connected to how much we loved.

Our pets love us unconditionally.

They desperately want us to pause, look in their eyes, and be fully present with themβ€”every waking moment.

The more we connect with them and teach them how to interact, the deeper the bond we build.

The more time, energy, and care we invest, the more love we feel.

When the time comes for them to leave our lives, the pain we feel in our hearts is in direct correlation to the love that we offered.

This experience, this wisdom, this beautiful realization has opened me up to a new challenge in my life.

I want to challenge myself to love without limits.

I want to recognize when I’m holding back on my love and correct my path.

I want to risk being heartbroken because deep heartbreak comes from loving without limits.

I want to love without limits and let the pain wash through me when love is lost. Through the pain, I reach great comfort in the love I had instead of the love I left unknown.

I hope you will join me in learning how to love without limits.

Peace.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

The Relationship Huddle

A meeting that will transform your relationship | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Our days are filled with activities that we have decided are our priorities. Like it or not, this is the truth. Whatever you choose to fill your day with are the activities you said yes to, and the things left behind are the activities you decided to say no to. Today we will talk about one twenty-minute meeting that I suggest you prioritize and schedule on both your calendar and your partner’s; that activity is the relationship huddle.

When I ask people what stops them from improving their relationship, the most common thing I hear is the most common thing I hear about ANY goal they have that isn’t really a priority: time. Time management is a topic for a future day, and I highly recommend you go back to a previous post I have written to help you get started in your time management success.

A couple of things that are true about our relationships:

  • As we get comfortable in our romantic relationships, we start unintentionally reprioritizing our activities; we start incorporating “more important” activities and letting go of activities that keep us connected in our relationship.
  • We start becoming less familiar with our partner, and when we attempt to connect, it seems difficult, so we put it off until some later, seemingly better, future moment.
  • We start feeling awkward and uncomfortable when we have time together, not knowing what to talk about, so we add more things to our calendar, again unintentionally squeezing our relationship out even more.
  • We keep avoiding our relationship until it eventually breaks, and trust that if you keep going down this path, it will break. When it breaks, you can then choose to make room on the calendar to work on mending it, or you can keep on avoiding it.

My suggestion this week is that you start scheduling this twenty-minute relationship tool in now, before you reach the breaking point.

Already reached the relationship breaking point?

That’s ok, you can still implement this twenty-minute tool I call the relationship huddle so let’s get to the implementation!

The Weekly Twenty-Minute Relationship Huddle

This twenty-minute meeting is meant to be deliberate, thorough, and brief. If you haven’t been having conversations with your romantic partner, you will want to resist the desire to unload and turn a twenty-minute plan into a 2-hour download.

KEEP A STRICT TIME SCHEDULE!

As you continue making this weekly meeting intentional and turning it into a habit, you’ll begin to notice communication channels opening up, allowing for longer conversations.

Relationship Huddle Five Step Process:

  1. Catch up: this is where you catch up from your last session. Discuss any conversations you haven’t wrapped up, what discussions need to be had between now and your next huddle.
  2. Build trust: talk about things you might have done wrong or how you could have done better, forgive or ask for forgiveness from anything left hanging, tell the other how you appreciate them.
  3. How are we relying on each other: here is where you can share how the other is doing in meeting your needs, what might we need in the time between now and our next session. You all know that I am all about figuring out how to meet your own needs, so you’re not relying on someone else to do that, but there are needs that we appreciate; this is the time where you can share that. 
  4. Calendar: check-in with each other about upcoming events and how you might like support through them.
  5. Affection: here, you get to catch up on how you can intimately show up and support each other. 

Change and growth come one step at a time.

If you like the idea of the relationship huddle but are struggling with the implementation I want to invite you to schedule a free coaching session where I will guide you through to getting started or you can register to join Ask Christine Anything my monthly public free coaching call on the first Wednesday of every month, 12 pm CST.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Vulnerability Will Improve Your Relationship

Practicing Vulnerability Will Improve Your Relationship | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Vulnerable is an emotion that scares us; we avoid it like the plague because it creates an uncomfortable vibration in our body, creating a desire to protect ourselves from what is causing the feeling. I talked about how vulnerability feels to me in an earlier post about practicing vulnerability; I highly recommend reading it after digging into this post. Vulnerability is a productive emotion when we need to protect ourselves. Still, most often, it isn’t protecting us in a way that helps us build deeper connections with our romantic partner. Learning how to become vulnerable in our relationships is the one tool that will move us closer to our relationship goals the fastest. I have found that when I become aware of this emotion, the more curious I get about why I am feeling it, which invites me to challenge myself to stretch and grow in my relationship with Jeff.

Staying the same doesn’t require vulnerability, and it feels awful in a whole different way than the discomfort we feel when we put ourselves out on display to be judged, critiqued and ridiculed.

Anything we want to improve in our life requires us to step out of our comfort zone and be critiqued by others, but getting critiqued by the people that mean the most to us feels extra uncomfortable, it feels more real and closer to the possibility of us feeling rejected. First, I want to remind you that other people can’t reject you, only you can do that with your thinking. With that said, we do find it easier to discount many people’s opinions about putting ourselves out there and more difficult to let go of our partner’s reactions, or lack of reaction, to steps we take to improve our relationship.

How to become more vulnerable in your relationship

Start practicing small, intentional steps

We do this by noticing when we are feeling emotions like defensiveness, judgment, superiority, critical, and then learning how to process these emotions. Start paying attention to how these emotions feel in your body and then see if you can discover what thoughts you are thinking that produces the emotion you feel.

After you have done the above work, start thinking about how you want to act intentionally; what might you want to say that describes what is happening for you? Here is where I recommend you think of β€œI” statements where you draw the attention back to you, how you are feeling and why. An example could be, β€œI feel neglected when you are on your phone while we are alone together.”

I recommend you do all of this work through journaling, doing thought downloads, where you start to recognize and learn. All of the above work is done during a short journaling session to walk yourself through possible scenarios. With the above example of the phone use, how might you guess they will respond? Might they turn your comment back on you? During your journaling session, you can play out how you might hear their response and work on understanding instead of reacting. Possible responses along the line of β€œI hear what you are saying, right now, I am expressing how I feel, could we talk about that?” This allows you to focus on yourself and find solutions; then, you might ask them if they could do the same for you.

Ask yourself every day β€œHow can I be honest and vulnerable in my relationship today?”

Make it a fun game where you are challenging yourself with new ways of opening up, seeing how it feels and the results you get from what you do. This process opens you up to learning and improving; you will see what is working, what isn’t and figure out what you can do differently.

Many of us haven’t been taught healthy ways of opening up and having productive conversations. Instead, we have been taught how to defend ourselves, blaming others for how we feel, which closes down the conversation, connection, and growth.

The more we practice vulnerability in our romantic relationships or any relationship, the easier it gets to be vulnerable because we see the fruit of our labor. Consider times when someone has been vulnerable with you, how you appreciated their vulnerability and were willing to listen to what they offered you. Most people will respond productively when we turn towards what is happening for us and not blame or criticize the other person.

In AwakenYou, we look at what results from your current responses are creating. Then we look at what you want to create in your romantic relationship, open and honest communication. Then we start the practice of learning how to take small steps of courage as you create the reality of that romantic goal.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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Becoming A Love Rockstar

Love Rockstar

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Do you remember a time in your love relationship when you felt like the love rockstar? Happy days where you couldn’t do any wrong in your relationship, and when you did, it just didn’t matter because you believed you were THE love rockstar! You and your partner were the envy of all of the other couples, and you were so proud about being able to do relationships right. You stuck by each other’s sides, held hands, played footsies under the table, ok, enough already, you say because right now you might be feeling like your rockstar status is in the toilet.

I’m going to share the best news ever in today’s message – you can actually still believe that you are the love rockstar. We talk a whole lot about beliefs here, and not thinking that you are a love rockstar is certainly not serving you with how you want to show up in your relationship.

Today we’re going to talk about how to get that rockstar status back in play.

Melissa came to me fully deflated. She didn’t know where to start but what she did know is that she wanted to have a rockstar relationship, sort of like she remembered having when she was dating her husband. She even started taking some actions that she thought might help get her that status:

  • She started taking better care of herself, wearing makeup, styling her hair, choosing outfits that she thought might draw attention from him
  • She started doing nice things for her husband like making his lunch, leaving love notes, buying special treats
  • She planned special dates and intentional time alone

Her actions didn’t appear to be working. Her husband didn’t seem to be noticing any of the things she was doing. Because she wasn’t getting what she wanted from him, she shut down romantically and started seeking validation elsewhere.

We uncovered in our coaching sessions that Melissa had a consistent underlying thought that she was no longer considered lovable by her husband. When we uncovered that thought it didn’t seem like a thought at all to her, she had accumulated so much evidence that she was unlovable and no longer a love rockstar. Her husband had never said these words, and she had never asked him if he considered her lovable. When she was honest, she admitted that him saying those words wouldn’t have helped and that she wouldn’t have believed them. REGARDLESS of whether he thought she was or not, she doesn’t have to believe him; instead, she just made the thought up herself and decided to believe it.

Melissa decided she was a love rockstar.

Here is where we started our journey from thinking she was no longer a love goddess to believing wholeheartedly that she was 100% a love rockstar.

We started all of the work on that belief and explored how it was making her show up; even while she was taking some of the above-listed actions, she still believed that she was unlovable so she saw she was only taking those actions in hopes that he would approve and show her love. Her actions were coming from an inauthentic place; she took action from a feeling of unworthiness, making her actions empty.

We started working on her unintentional thought and looking at why she looked for validation from outside sources. Melissa had never learned how to validate herself; she always relied on others to do that for her. When she learned how powerless that made her, how it got her results of being unlovable to herself, she started to understand the value of finding her validation from within.

Melissa started paying attention to her reasons for wanting to take some of the actions she wanted to take in her marriage. Even when we look at the above actions, we looked at taking them from feeling unworthy versus feeling self-compassion or self-confident. She noticed the different energy each version gave her and loved how she felt when she could take action from self-confidence.

She started noticing that she didn’t care as much if her husband responded or not, she continued to show up in a way that felt good to her, in a way that felt like love to her. Eventually, she was so happy with herself, feeling like a love rockstar that she stopped noticing that her husband wasn’t responding.

She actually started to notice ways in which he was responding.

When we learn how to validate ourselves, we start taking steps in our relationship without expectation of how the other person should react. We let them be themselves, and eventually, we start to see their possible self-protection mechanisms; we love them for who they are, not hating them for who they aren’t.

Melissa was able to move from thinking she had fallen from the love rockstar status to being all-in on being the love rockstar she knew she could be by building belief, self-confidence, and self-trust in her love relationship. That is what we do in AwakenYou, we take you from where you are to where you want to go in your love relationship. Going from loveless to love rockstar is possible for anyone, join the others who are becoming the love rockstar they imagine themselves to be!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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Marital Infidelity With Andrea Giles

Marriage Problems and Money with Money Expert Jill Wright | Relationship Coach

Today’s guest is my friend and fellow coach Andrea Giles of Andrea Giles Coaching. Andrea is a Certified Life Coach who works with women stuck in the after-effects of marital infidelity. She coaches from experience. Her passion for helping women discover the peace she’s found drives her coaching. Andrea’s clients learn to work through painful emotions. They learn to tell the truth (especially to themselves.) They find the courage to go after what they want. They take control of their life. They move on.

When Andrea’s not coaching, you’ll find her enjoying the simple things in life. She loves to read, kayak on the river in her back yard, play games with her husband and kids, and snuggle her two grandsons. Andrea is now married to a widower, and they have 11 children between them. Her journey from “there” to here is an inspiring one. She’s created powerful healing for herself and wants the same for her clients.

Listen in as this beautiful soul shares her journey into life coaching and how she helps the people she serves, enjoy!

You can find her on her website: Andrea Giles Coaching

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Heal from Infidelity podcast

Book recommendations:

Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

The Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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