What Is Emotional Intimacy and How To Get More of it in Your Marriage

What Is Emotional Intimacy and How To Increase It In Your Marriage | Relationship Coaching

Welcome back to part four of my relationship intimacy series, where I help you find new ways to create a well-rounded and deeply intimate relationship with your partner. I kicked off this series by talking about what relationship intimacy is. Then we started digging into five areas where you can create deeper intimacy; two weeks ago, we talked about three ways to increase spiritual intimacy. Last week we talked about how to increase mental or intellectual intimacy. This week, we’re going to dig into what emotional intimacy is and how to get more of it in your relationship.

What is emotional intimacy?

Intimacy shows a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture, and I explained this a bit deeper in my article What Is Relationship Intimacy.

Emotional is relating to a person’s emotions or feelings.

Emotional intimacy would be a close union or combination of each other’s emotions, an intimate mixture of sharing each other’s thoughts and the feelings they evoke.

As you follow along in this series, you will start to notice a common thread, and that is the word intimacy. Since I am defining intimacy as a close union or combination of particles or elements, you will start to see that what all these different types of intimacy have in common is the ability to share, “in-to-me-see.”

Emotional intimacy is the ability to get uncomfortable, get vulnerable, and be honest so that each of you knows what is going on with the other. It’s the ability to share your deepest fears and insecurities, your most outlandish dreams and disappointments, and how you are feeling about anything in your relationship and lives. Emotional intimacy is feeling safe sharing your most intimate secrets without the worry of judgment, humiliation, belittlement, and the strictest of confidentiality. Knowing that what you have shared in privacy stays between the two of you and won’t be shared outside of the relationship.

Why is emotional intimacy important in your marital relationship?

Remember the “in-to-me-see” definition of intimacy from Focus On The Family? The more transparent we are with our partners, the deeper our connection, the deeper our desire will be. This includes sharing honestly how we are feeling, not feeling like we have to keep it to ourselves for fear of embarrassment or your partner being dismissive and invalidating how you feel.

How to create more intimacy in your relationship.

Learning how to become more emotionally open about what is happening for you is where you start and then sharing expectations. Together with defining expectations that what is shared in the privacy of your shared space won’t go beyond that space goes far in one’s willingness to share while not having to re-iterate the qualifications. If a partner breaks the set expectations, honesty is necessary; sit down with your partner and share your disappointment while not blaming and belittling.

It’s also important to remember that there will be times when our partners will share things that we might not want to hear and using these moments as opportunities to look inward. When we look inward, we can determine why we don’t like what our partner has shared and start shining a light on something that might be insecurity within ourselves.

Learning how to process your own emotions is a key skill to learn when becoming more emotionally present with your partner and yourself. When we can process our own emotions, it keeps us from blaming others for how we feel and allows us to see where that emotion is coming from, which is always something we are thinking. After you’ve worked on processing your emotions, share in a direct, non-qualifying manner and tell them how you feel, making sure to be clear that you are creating this emotion, not blaming it on them.

I love this quote I found from psychologist Helene Brenner, Ph.D. “Take the risk not to protect yourself. You can’t simultaneously protect yourself and be emotionally intimate. Let your heart be seen.” Not protecting yourself by blaming allows you to be seen.

Another way to increase emotional intimacy is learning how to ask great questions. When we listen with curiosity and compassion while our partners are sharing, we can ask questions that help them process their emotions and create a more intimate and safe connection that encourages future open communication.

Some examples of how to be more emotionally intimate.

  • Being open to having sensitive conversations about what each other wants out of their relationship and even what might be worrisome to them about the relationship. This sort of conversation allows a couple to move closer to each other with more individual understanding.
  • Being open and honest about a partner’s interaction with other people might make them uncomfortable and having empathy around their concerns versus making excuses and insinuating that the other is paranoid.
  • When one person shares something from their past, the other partner is attentive, offering emotional support.
  • They openly share struggles they might be having within themselves and trusting the partner to offer comfort, support, and possible solutions, if wanted, instead of dismissing their feelings.

All of this open and honest communication starts by doing this work within ourselves; we cannot be open and honest with our partners when we haven’t done the work of doing this for ourselves. Holding back from sharing keeps us from the intimate connection that we desire. That’s why the work we do in AwakenYou is valuable for re-building a relationship that feels good and keeps feeling better.

The process of learning how to open up and be vulnerable can be a scary one, and that’s why it’s so much easier when we have someone guiding us. That is what I do for you in my one-on-one coaching program; I help you find the courage to show up in your romantic relationship in a way that feels good for you.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Three Ways To Increase Spiritual Intimacy

Three Ways To Increase Spiritual Intimacy

Last week I started talking about what is relationship intimacy. In that article, I gave an overview of intimacy, how important it is to develop in our romantic relationship, and then shared five types of intimacy. Over the next five weeks, we’re going to take a deeper dive into each of those different types of intimacy, starting the series off today with spiritual intimacy.

Let’s start with defining what spiritual intimacy is and of course, this is my definition of spiritual intimacy which I’ll explain why in a moment.

In last week’s article I shared this definition of intimacy: showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.

Now let’s combine that with the definition of spirituality which is a broad concept with room for many perspectives. In general, it includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in our lives.

To me, spiritual intimacy is being able to share your ideas about spirituality with your partner and allowing your partner to do the same in a supportive, non-judgmental way. Spiritual intimacy is the mixture of our ideas coming together, not to change one’s belief but to understand better and appreciate our partner.

To be honest though, the selfish part of me wants to say that spiritual intimacy is him having similar spiritual desires as me.

With that said, let me explain my definition. When I went searching on Google for the definition of spiritual intimacy, many Christian definitions came up. Though I highly encourage couples to pursue this area before a marriage commitment to make sure they are equally yoked, the truth is that many of us aren’t. This is true in my relationship, and it is definitely an area I seek to challenge myself to grow in, so this is why I didn’t include spiritual intimacy as a sense of unity and mutual commitment to God’s will in our lives and marriage. I highly encourage couples to pursue an equally yoked spiritual belief because you are going the same direction and bring different strengths to the walk, which creates a deeper connection with each other and your belief.

I believe that my definition spans over all committed relationships, whether both are believers or unequally yoked. When we share our beliefs, it keeps us open and honest around our struggles, not defensive because the other one doesn’t believe what we believe.

Increasing Spiritual Intimacy

Let me share my personal experience with spiritual intimacy in my marriage relationship because this is definitely an area that I have struggled with and am gingerly pursuing with curiosity. Since intimacy is about creating a close union between a couple, all topics want to be brought up and explored together; nothing should be kept inside and not shared because that restricts the union from growing closer. My personal experience has been that I have been insecure in my own spiritual beliefs and felt awkward talking about them out loud. This is where the problem started early on in my relationship with my husband.

This is what it looked like:

Me: “Are you Christian?”

Him: “Yes.”

Me: “My relationship with Jesus is important to me, is that ok?”

Him: “Yes.”

That’s pretty much where it ended and that caused a lot of drama later in our relationship, so much so that it was the foundation of why I started seeking relationship help. There was a point in our marriage where words came up around who was more important to me, God or my husband, and my innocent response spiraled a threat of separation. In the end, it was one of the best things that could have happened for me, my relationship with my Saviour and my relationship with my husband, Jeff.

As I continue to pursue a better, more close relationship with my Saviour and my husband, I see that the area of spiritual intimacy is missing. Because of that, we have put up a barrier to connecting more deeply intimately.

The first step to increasing spiritual intimacy in your romantic relationship is to let go of expectations.

It’s time to stop judging and start exploring each other’s beliefs. I love the emotion of curiosity; it helps me explore other people’s beliefs and consider them within the context of my own beliefs. Does someone else’s belief increase my current belief? I say always. When we listen to someone else’s belief with an open mind, we get to dig deeper into the why’s behind our own belief. Yes, it might pull us away from what we currently believe, but we wouldn’t feel compromised by this pull because we’ve done our own research and re-created our own new beliefs.

Secondly, be open and honest around your spiritual beliefs.

Even if that means that you haven’t thought much about it, the invitation to talk about our beliefs helps us to explore what it is we want to believe and why.

Why do you think we close up when a topic is brought up? It is often because of fear, fear of judgment, fear of someone disagreeing with our opinion, fear of sounding stupid, or worse yet, someone telling us that we’re stupid. As we continue to do this work of re-wiring our brain what we learn, as I spoke about in my previous article about other people’s opinions, other people telling us we’re dumb doesn’t need to mean anything if we believe that we’re not dumb. Only when we believe what someone tells us is that we get defensive and lash out or withdraw.

The third way to increase spiritual intimacy is to embrace the discomfort around putting yourself out there.

If you and your partner have not explored your spiritual beliefs together as a couple, starting now will feel uncomfortable. In pursuit of a more intimate connection in your relationship, what would you choose to do? I am a big believer in planning, and this is no exception.

When you think about the goal of wanting to increase spiritual intimacy, what steps might you want to take? This is completely personal but here are a few suggestions:

  • Think of a good, simple question to ask; an example could be: “What do you think happens when we die?” This question has brought several interesting conversations for Jeff, my daughter, and me.
  • Don’t have any expectations or judgments around their response, but one rule I have is that they can’t say “I don’t know.” Included in no expectations is that your question may not be reciprocated. They may not want to know what your response is, especially if they judge themselves as not knowing the correct response, yet the truth is, there is no correct response, just their response.
  • After the conversation, you can look at what worked, what you learned, what didn’t work (maybe you got defensive), and what you might do differently next time. This process allows you to look at what you accomplished positively and learn how you might take the next step forward.
  • I also love using the following phrase, which helps open up the conversation to going further versus shutting it down, “What I love about that is… and…” With this approach, every idea is appreciated rather than judged before the next idea is generated in reaction to it.

Once we start opening up to sensitive topics, we start learning more about each other, which increases our desire to be with them and fuels the desire to know more.

Also, to be aware of the word “sensitive.” Take time in your planning to understand why you haven’t talked about these things and why they feel sensitive. One of the biggest reasons we feel sensitive is because we are opening ourselves up to be judged as wrong or ill-informed, and the process is learning how to be ok with that and not making it mean that we are wrong. These exercises of opening up to a more intimate relationship with our partner are about exploring and learning, not judging one as right or wrong.

I’d love to hear about your journey to becoming more spiritually connected with your partner and what you have done to obtain that result. If you’d like more help learning how to start the process of becoming more spiritually intimate with your partner, please reach out; I’d love to chat with you about it.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

What Is Relationship Intimacy?

How To Increase Mental Intimacy | Relationship Coaching

There might be one of two reasons you decided to read this article; maybe you want to learn how to be more intimate in your current relationship or want your partner to be more intimate. I’m super curious what comes to your mind first when you hear the word intimacy; if you’re anything like me, the first thing I think is physical intimacy. My work in this upcoming series on intimacy helps you think differently about intimacy, know all the different ways we can express intimacy, and get you on the path of exploring the intimacy you want in your relationship. With that, let’s talk intimacy!

What is relationship intimacy?

The Google definition: showing a close union or combination of particles or elements: an intimate mixture.

I sort of love this definition of intimacy because it talks about two people’s blending in all aspects. I also am in love with a description of intimacy from the Focus On The Family website, where they talk about intimacy being “in-to-me-see.” It’s a blending of our heart with another’s, so we can “see into” who they really are, and they can “see into” us.

The truth is, as Erwin Raphael McManus simply puts it, “our souls crave intimacy.”

We go to great lengths to attract the opposite sex for that reason and that reason only, intimacy and love.

True relationship intimacy can only happen when you are connected to your own heart

Pure, connected intimacy in your relationship can only occur when you truly know who you are. “In-to-me-see” can only occur when we are fully connected to our own heart; that is when we can let someone fully in to see all that is us. Until we know who we are, what we are afraid of, what our wild and seemingly crazy dreams are, what our hopes and desires for this life are, we won’t be able to let someone else in to see.

True intimacy comes when we have nothing to hide, when we’ve worked through all of our insecurities from our past, our shame and guilt over what we’ve done or haven’t done. The process of getting to a place of being fully loving and accepting of who we are, all of who we are, is the first step to open up to intimacy in our romantic relationship fully.

Can you do this process in the middle of a relationship? Can we start this work when our relationship doesn’t feel intimate at all? Yes! It’s the first place we start in my 1:1 coaching program.

Five types of intimacy:

• Physical intimacy

• Mental intimacy

• Experiential intimacy

• Emotional intimacy

• Spiritual intimacy

When we start learning how to be fully transparent in our relationships, we can start to look at all of the different intimacy areas and decide what they mean to us. As we develop our own love personality, we start to get in tune with what we want to believe for ourselves, and we create an open mind about other people’s beliefs. When this happens, we can open up to conversations that don’t make us shut down because we disagree with their perspective. Instead, we get to open up to their perspective, learn more about them, and grow closer through the process.

Over the next five weeks, I will break down the different types of intimacy and help you explore who you are, who you want to become, and how you want to open up to all areas in your intimate relationship with yourself. This will lead you to the beginning of creating an intimate relationship with your partner that is honest, seen, and full of love.

Want to read more about how to bring intimacy back into your relationship? Go read this post: Four Steps to Bring Sexy Back to Your Relationship

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

The Importance of Healing Past Relationships

The Importance of Healing Past Relationships | Relationship Coach

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Last week, during my quiet time, I was reading from Mark’s book in the New Testament, and there were two verses in the second chapter that made me pause and take deeper during my prayer time. The verse helped deepen the belief I hold around the importance of healing past relationships being included as we do the work to improve our current and future relationships.

First, let me share Mark 2:21-22 “No one sews a patch of unshrunk cloth on an old garment. Otherwise, the new piece will pull away from the old, making the tear worse. And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the wine will burst the skins, and both the wine and the wineskins will be ruined. No, they pour new wine into new wineskins.”

Creating your new self relationship starts today.

Much of the work we do in AwakenYou my 1:1 coaching program is about coming up with a vision of who you want to be in your relationship. I work together with my clients, helping them dream and explore what that might look like for them, and we do the work of making that dream a reality in their life. As we start doing this work of evolving into the person we want to be, there is a lot of cognitive dissonance around who we have identified as in our past and who we are becoming.

The work is multi-faceted in a way that as we peel off our old identity, just like when we exfoliate our skin, past “impurities” begin to rise to the surface.

As we do the work of living into our future self we have to do the work of sorting through and healing our past.

Many of us have stories from our past that we’d rather forget. Sometimes we think that we don’t want to forget them; they are part of who we are. Our past is definitely part of who we are, but as we start creating our future selves, it is important that we also do the work of sorting out our past and seeing where we are holding on to stories that aren’t serving us anymore.

As we work on creating a fierce new romantic relationship, we carry with us all of the old relationship stories that get in the way of us fully experiencing the love that could be available in our current relationship.

Here is where the verse comes in. Jesus talks about creating a patch on an old garment with new fabric and how the new will pull away from the old, making the tear worse than before. This is exactly what happens in our lives when we start repairing and living into our potential if we don’t do the work of healing our past relationships.

What healing our past relationships looks like.

This process is about re-writing our current past life story in a way that serves us. I love to ask my clients to think of three ways that their past relationships could be turned into a gift and opportunity. I also ask them what unresolved matters from past relationships might be keeping them from having the relationship they dream of with their current or future mate.

Jesus’ words proved several things to me, the first being proof of how He speaks and teaches us truth through The Father’s words. The second being how powerful the work being done in my coaching program is and how much it aligns with my goal of bringing people closer to a life they were created to live; a life full of love that feels fierce and free.

I want to invite you to come experience what this freedom feels like for you in your life and in your closest relationship.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Scheduling Time To Improve Your Relationship

Scheduling Time To Improve Your Relationship | Relationship Coach

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When you think about scheduling time to improve your relationship, what comes to your mind first? Most of us won’t think about our time to ourselves or with our partner; instead, our to-do list comes to mind, all of those things we told ourselves we MUST do. We schedule, or don’t schedule, our to-dos and leave ourselves, and our relationship, to the left-overs. Maybe we do have “self-time” on our to-do list, but if we actually carve time for ourselves, all we think about are all of the other things we should be doing instead.

We fill our minds with lies like:

  • I’ll get to that later
  • My relationship can handle it, we are made for each other
  • When I get that promotion I’ll schedule time for that
  • I’ll have time for that when the kids are out of the house

We get exhausted thinking about it.

Let me be clear about something, I am speaking from experience; I know all too well the powerless cycle of believing the lie that I don’t have enough time. If you are “too busy for all of the things I should be doing,” then I feel your pain, and I want you to know I have a masterful solution to your problem. My solution will free up your day to bring in time for you and your relationship without rushing to get it over with, so you can move on to that next super important thing.

Learning how to manage the 24 hours we are each given every day will allow you to start prioritizing the things in your life that are truly important. If you find yourself not prioritizing your relationship above your job and your to-do list, I want to challenge you to ask yourself why. Why do you think it’s not important to prioritize yourself and your romantic relationship? Trust me, if you’re telling yourself it’s important, but you don’t have time for it, you are really telling yourself that it’s not that important. Tell yourself the truth, which is this: all of the things you do fill up your 24 hours with are more important than your relationship. Check out this article where I explain why you aren’t doing what you want to be doing.

Today I am going to share six tips to start managing your day and prioritizing you and your relationship.

When I ask people why they don’t take time to work on their relationship, the top response is around time. They think they don’t have enough of it. I used to believe this as well, but then I started thinking about the Creator of time and decided that He probably knew a bit more about time than me, so I decided to test a new belief. The second reason I hear is that they don’t know how to start making time, so I’m glad you are here because I will help you figure this out.

When I told myself that I didn’t know how to make time for myself and my romantic relationship I felt confused.

Confusion is an emotion that keeps us from moving forward, it is what I call indulgent meaning it produces more of it. More confusion? No thank you.

First, it’s important to recognize it, and then to get out of confusion ask yourself what one step you can take to get closer to the solution.

If you want someone to guide you, like a coach, and you continue to sweep it under the rug, let me suggest you pick someone, go with it, and be all in on your decision. Will it be the right choice? Maybe or maybe not, but deciding will help you discover the answer. Deciding will mean you find your dreams’ guidance or find solutions that move you forward towards your next solution.

Let’s dig in!

Goal setting

Not setting goals is a way to avoid failure ahead of time; it does not move you forward; it is a false sense of protection. If you want to stop using the B-word (busy) as a way to validate yourself and the things you want to do but aren’t, then go ahead but recognize it. Stop blaming the outside world and start looking to your own inner wisdom to plan and conquer. I ask you where you want to be one year from now in your life and your love relationship? Then I want to ask you how you will achieve that life if you can’t manage your time?


Start with a list. Write down on paper ALL of the things you want to do, get those nasty cobwebs out of your head. This includes work, personal, relationships, family, all of the things. If you’ve been dreaming about going to Nepal for 10 years, then either take it off of your list or give yourself a deadline. A deadline is a sure way to get you moving into the planning stage of making the trip of your life with your partner a reality. Afraid you’ll forget about this trip of a lifetime? If you forget about it, then was it really that important to you?

Then I want you to go through the list and realize that all of the things on this list are optional; NONE of it HAS to be done, like paying the electric bill, not necessary unless you want some power in your place of residence. Then decide which ones you “have” to do, you “want” to do, and you don’t want to do. Those you don’t want to do, cross them off your list.

Ask yourself what the consequences are if you don’t do the things on this list.

Then ask yourself what is getting in the way of completing these to-do’s, how might you need to break them down into smaller tasks?

Lastly, start prioritizing the list, one is top priority all the way to the last to-do.


Yes, it’s important.

Maybe you’ve tried it before and it didn’t work. Let me suggest that it didn’t work because the teacher didn’t teach you how to overcome that thing called your brain. It didn’t teach you how to overcome that voice that told you to keep working on a task past the allotted time and to skip that personal time you scheduled for yourself because, you know, it’s for people who aren’t as busy as you. Your last system didn’t work because you gave up, you didn’t take massive action, you didn’t learn from your failures, you made it mean that something was wrong with the system.

Schedule your day so that your day doesn’t schedule you.

Schedule personal time first

Yes, this is most important, and I know how hard it is to do. As a recovering “I haven’t done enough” addict, I understand but trust me here, it’s important. This includes intentional time with your partner.

Daily question

“What will I do today to improve my relationship?” Ask yourself this question every day, be deliberate. Relationships require intention, especially those that mean the most to us, like our partners and our family.

Small steps

Take small steps; it took you a lifetime of beliefs to get where you are. A lifetime of listening to others talks about how busy they are; breaking this habit and breaking habits take time. One step forward at a time.

Managing the time you have in a day isn’t finding the right time management system; though it helps, it’s about managing what happens in your head. Time management is about trial and error, just like anything else you want to get good at, it’s about planning what’s important to you and letting go of the rest.

Never saying or using the “busy” words in conversation or as an excuse is freedom, pure freedom. Owning how you choose to use the time we are all given is one of the most powerful things I have done, and I love sharing this skill with my clients. If you want to learn how to have more time in your day, I would love to help you find it; trust me; it’s there for you. Let go of buying that next time management book and instead schedule some time to have a conversation with me about AwakenYou; let’s start opening up your calendar to the love you want in your life.

Want to know more about how I manage my time?

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Being The Watcher

Being The Watcher | Relationship Coaching

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If you have ever had a time in your life when you have watched something from afar or from a place of curiosity, then this process will resonate with you. Being the watcher is just that; you have no thoughts, no judgment, or suggestions; you only watch with a neutral, open mind. Being the watcher of your relationship will help you step out of the thoughts that are causing pain and frustration for you without changing who your partner is; you learn how to sit in a place of neutrality and observe what is happening on all sides of the story.

During the first week of this new year, I used this tool abundantly with some unexpected circumstances in my life. Let’s say that after the holidays and lots of reflective, goal-setting time, I was ready to dive into the year and start producing results. It turns out, life had other plans for me, and the unexpected circumstances that life handed me sent me down a road I hadn’t planned on traveling.

A road that I wanted to argue with until I noticed that arguing with this reality wasn’t getting me good results either.

The first day and weeks of 2021 brought a series of events that most certainly were not planned, and this uncertainty helped me learn more about what is important when life throws you a curveball. These uncertain events helped me to look at the curveball from a distance, assess the whole situation, and decide who I wanted to be as these events unfolded. I went to my future self and asked her how she got through these events; I thought about how I wanted to think and feel about myself, and then I did my best to live into that model.

Long story short, we had a dog in the house, which over two weeks declined markedly in health, to the point of losing all mobility in her hindquarters on New Year’s Eve. Watching this decline occur, helping to care for a dog that couldn’t take care of its own needs, building in time around what I had previously scheduled on my calendar, and managing my brain was an interesting lesson, to say the least. I shared the experience last week when I wrote about Loving Without Limits and a dog named Luna.

When we want to argue with reality, as Byron Katie tells us, we will lose, but only 100% of the time. Oftentimes though, our brain still wants to argue with reality. My brain was telling me all of the reasons this wasn’t right, that I had plans, and now my lack of being able to attack those plans is setting me up for failure in the 2021 goals that I so diligently put into place. Stepping aside, getting out of my head, and looking at everything that was going on from a place of neutrality has been a gratifying learning experience. Watching ourselves take control over what our brains do on autopilot so that we can actually steer the plane in the direction we want to go is a process that empowers us to step back and show up in a way that we will look back and be proud of.

Destination control, let me show you how to get there.

Becoming the watcher of your life

First, I want to suggest you start simple; this process can be a bit “mind-bendy,” and if you’re not used to meditation or any other process that helps you step out of your brain’s state of chaos, then just like learning how to ride a bike, start slow. You do this by finding something to practice on BEFORE you are in the middle of a highly emotional circumstance, learn how to sit and observe without any thoughts and emotion.

The beginner watcher process

  • Pick a pet, or an inanimate object like a coffee mug, focus on it for 5 minutes.
  • As you sit and observe, watch the thoughts that travel through your mind and the emotion they create.
  • See if you can let go of the thoughts and see what it is you are looking at with complete neutrality, no words.
  • As you see thoughts come in that create emotion, let them go and come back to neutrality, “it’s a cup,” “it’s a dog.”
  • Play around with it and be curious, notice how the thoughts make you feel and how you feel when you let them go.

How to apply the watcher to your relationship and why it’s important

As you get better at the process, you can start adding more emotionally charged items into your practice. Maybe you have a neighbor that drives you a bit nuts, watch them from afar and see what happens as you let go of your thoughts and notice it is a person, maybe a woman, nothing good and nothing bad, just a person. Start gently letting go of the thoughts that create tension for you. You can also do this process with something from your past, recent, or further back. Visualize the scenario, watch the thoughts your brain comes up with, let them go, and see if you can look at the scene with no judgment, no words.

After you’ve practiced this for a bit, please give it a go with your partner. Start with applying this practice when they are doing something that makes you feel amazing, step back and peel your thoughts away, and see them without words. Next, you can use it when you feel negative emotions about your partner, see if you can let go of your opinions and see them for who they are, no right and no wrong but a human.

The benefit of becoming the watcher is that it moves us into a neutral emotional state, and when we are in an uncharged emotional state, our mind opens up. When our mind is open, it allows for empathy, problem-solving, reasoning, creating solutions instead of only seeing what is wrong. When we can only see the problem, then the only way for us to feel better is for them to change; as you learned in The Relationship Fix, that doesn’t work. Learning how to be the watcher of your life allows you to move through the muck of what you might be currently experiencing, and instead of being consumed by it, you’ll start to see what there is to learn in the muck.

The more you apply this process the easier it gets, I’d love to hear how you are applying the watcher to your relationship and what you are learning from it, send me a message by hitting the button below! If you would like to experience what it’s like to experience the watcher then come to one of my social media lives or my Ask Christine Anything calls and I’ll walk you through the process!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!


I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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