Actions Speak Loudly

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Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

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๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

Myย Awaken(TheTrue)Youย program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. Itโ€™s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. Iโ€™ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Bring Sexy Back

Keeping your marriage thriving will require you to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your relationship. Often times the inner workings of what keeps a relationship healthy get set aside once a commitment is established. Unknowingly we prioritize other important aspects of our lives at this point, thinking something like that love song, “love will keep us together”. It often starts with our careers, our children, then we have our hobbies and outside friendships, church commitments and then years down the road we discover our relationship has “lost its sexy”.

I like to compare relationships to a life long project that we continually evaluate, decide on purpose what is working, what isn’t working and what we might do differently to get to our desired end goal. Compare it maybe to launching a business. We wouldn’t get licensed, register with the government, open our checking account, write our mission statement and then go on to other life goals hoping to come back every night with money in our bank account.

Whether you are just starting the journey with your love relationship and still madly in love, or you’re feeling like your marriage life is more like roommates with benefits. This post will help you be deliberate with what you want to create moving forward. If you’re still madly in love, it will teach you to prioritize your love relationship. If you’re feeling more like roommates with your spouse it will help you start moving towards where you want to be.

If you’re in the later scenario, thinking about bringing sexy back into your relationship might sound like some Disney fairy tale that you’ve resolved to believe is pure fantasy. Not knowing how to bring the sexy back is not the problem, the problem is getting over the uncomfortable feelings it might take to do the work of making fantasy your reality. The problem will be getting over your belief that you’re just roommates, that the flame has died, that there isn’t any hope so settling is good enough.

I believe your sexy is important, and however that looks for you, let’s start the process of bringing it back into your marriage!

First you have to desire to bring intimacy back into your relationship.

Having the desire to bring intimacy back means you care. Having the desire means you’re willing to come up with strategies to overcome the obstacles that are in the way of you having the intimate relationship you desire. Let’s look the definition of intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.

So now that we know what intimacy means, I want you to ask yourself why you want a more intimate relationship? An excellent compelling reason to do this work is vital to creating your ideal marriage relationship, so get some paper, pen and start writing.

As you write, notice what your reasons are. Are you wanting more intimacy in your marriage for reasons that feel good to you or do you think more intimacy will make your husband love you more? Remember that we cannot control other people and how they feel, so as your write your list make sure they are all reasons that make you feel good.

Go back and look through your list and cross off any reasons that you can’t control:

  • The ones you can control are the thoughts in your own head like being able to express love in ways that are important to you, make you feel love. A reason could be just because you want to feel love and stop feeling empty.
  • The reasons you can’t control are ones that dictate how he acts or treats you so that you can feel good. You can’t control what he thinks about you taking massive action towards your intimacy goals and you can’t control what he does, or doesn’t, do.

Second, decide on purpose what you want “sexy” to look like for you.

Be very specific and make sure they are all actions that you create for yourself. This is going to require you to come up with another list.

They might look like:

  • dressing in a way that feels good to you
  • acting in ways that feel like love for you
  • losing that last 10 pounds
  • creating conversations that stimulate interest and deep thinking
  • planning long hand in hand walks through the woods
  • warm and embracing hugs

Third is your action plan for achieving the intimacy you desire.

Now take a look at your lists, what is coming up for you? Maybe it all looks like that Disney movie we discussed earlier and you feel very uncomfortable even thinking about doing some of the actions on your list. Totally ok. Start with the easy ones like how you take care of yourself, things you can do all by yourself to improve how you feel about yourself. Then move on to the less uncomfortable ones like sending him a friendly text during the work day or leaving a love note in his lunch bag. Make all of these less uncomfortable ones completely comfortable while you work on strategies to start implementing the more uncomfortable actions.

Creating your dream marriage is like any other goal you want to succeed at. You wouldn’t go about losing 50 pounds by writing up a plan, thinking about it but never taking the bold steps of learning how to allow the emotion of wanting to eat food that’s not on your plan. So while you are taking the smaller, easier steps, start thinking about how you might implement some of the less comfortable steps. As you make the easier steps more consistent, you’ll notice how good they feel, this will make you curious about how the success of the bigger actions will feel (much better I promise).

Start writing down all of the things that are in the way of you taking the actions you dream of taking. Most of obstacles are your feelings of fear and discomfort. Think about what you could do to make the action easier. Let’s look at your desire to hold hands during that walk through the woods. Before you tackle all of your thoughts and emotions around the action of holding hands, you’ll have to actually plan the walk, when will it be, where will you go, what else might you do on that trip? Plan the whole experience, start visualizing it and think about how you want to feel during that special time you’re creating.

The fourth step is to start building your self confidence.

Building self confidence is one of my favorite things to do. Building self confidence means practicing things that feel uncomfortable and learning to make the outcome not mean anything about who you are as a human. Self confidence comes from being able to experience any emotion and come out on the other side stronger.

Here is an exercise for you to try around the hand holding example that will help you build self confidence. Maybe you have a thought something like “we haven’t done this in years”, which makes you feel awkward. When we’re feeling awkward we will avoid taking the action of holding hands, getting us the result of not holding your spouses hand for even longer.

Now think about the walk while feeling self confident, what would you do? You would hold his hand, feel the emotion of awkward, your hand might sweat a bit while thinking something like “I want this in my marriage.” Giving you the result of doing what you want to do. This will give you the result of getting your sexy back. The feeling you have after will be one of elation, pure glory and joy for what you created. One time won’t be enough to make it a habit but you did it and you built up some self confidence. It will encourage you to plan another event where you hold his hand, you will still have to be deliberate until this new hand holding thing becomes normal, but that’s ok, you did it!

Now apply this technique to something else on your list. The more uncomfortable things you make yourself do the easier they will become, the more self confidence you will develop. I have a free worksheet available to help you through this self confidence exercise, reach out to me if you’re interested in using it, I’d love to share it with you.

Having your solid compelling reason of wanting your dream love relationship will keep you taking one step forward at a time. Don’t worry about how it looks, look at how it’s making you feel. Keep taking massive action every single day towards bringing your sexy back, keep creating, planning, evaluating, learning and believing in yourself and your dream. Soon enough, you will be living the life you had only previously been dreaming of.

๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Pornography

Today I want to lightly dig into the the topic of pornography when it comes to the effect that it has possibly had in your life and your relationships.

As a life coach, my aim is to help my clients look at current belief systems around the things in their lives that are causing problems for them. Beliefs that are keeping them stuck and unable to move forward. We look at beliefs that aren’t serving them in their life and do the work of wiggling those beliefs into something that can start moving them towards the results they desire, results they haven’t been able to move close to. In order to do that I will often challenge beliefs that keep us in our past life and we work on moving forward into the person we want to be in our intimate relationships.

That’s what I’m going to talk about here with the topic of pornography.

For me, I have spent most of my life holding on tightly to a belief about early exposure to pornography. A belief that has kept me stuck in so many ways, but most evidently in my relationships. Nothing seemed to help me get out of the past, out of the resentment, out of the anger, blame and disgust. Life coaching is what enabled me to start the process of letting go of the story I was holding so tightly to, the story that was only destroying me, the story I made a part of my identity. My coach enabled me to let of my story and start creating my own beautiful story around me, my relationships and my sexuality.

A big part of that beautiful story is that my experience allows me to help other women. I am able to understand how much pain other women are around their past life stories and able to help them out of that place, into a life of relational and sexual freedom. I want you to know that I am not by any means a sex expert, I am only using my story to help others with their journey and struggles so they can start healing and create a loving relationship that they have been keeping themselves from having.

Let’s start with what pornography is: sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.

Basically, pornography is a form of buffering or escapism, similar to alcohol or drug use or overeating, over Netflixing. Buffering is when we are putting something between ourselves and something we don’t want to experience. It starts with seeking some sort of pleasure to escape from a negative emotion, an emotion the person doesn’t want, or know how, to process, immediate gratification sounds like a much better idea in the moment.

Pornography allows a person to escape that negative thing going on in their life. It’s cheap, it’s readily assessable and highly gratifying. As human beings we are genetically wired to be sexual, it’s in our DNA, it guarantees procreation and, let’s be honest, sexual gratification feels good. When we have an orgasm our brain creates a huge dopamine deposit into the blood stream telling us that what we just did was amazing and that we should do it again, and again. When used the way God designed it to be used it’s amazing, when we abuse it, well, that’s when things happen that don’t make us feel so good. That dopamine hit is highly addictive and when we don’t know how to deal with the root problem that is driving us to other sources for sexual gratification, we will seek more and more of our buffer of choice.

Pornography use and exposure becomes hurtful to us, and our future or current, partners for many reasons, with these being a few:

  • Distorted expectations of what sex looks like in real life
  • A higher sexual gratification threshold
  • Distorted expectations of what the human body should look like in order to be appealing to the opposite sex
  • Distorted ideas of how to get attention from the opposite sex and what their values might be
  • It distorts our own perceived value
  • It distorts ones view of a healthy sex life creating future relational disconnect

Let’s start by looking at pornographic exposure for young minds who are developing their ideas about relationships, themselves and their worthiness. Early exposure without education can be an influence of how to get attention from the opposite sex, it can drive early experimentation, it can create unrealistic expectations of how to behave and possibly turn into a learned tool to attract or get validation from the opposite sex. Pornographic exposure is more real today than ever which means that our children need help maneuvering through the experience they will come across, expect it sooner than later. We can help them by talking openly to our children, helping them to understand why it is unrealistic and damaging. We can help them by keeping lines of communication open instead of closing them down by shaming, guilting or scaring them. Teaching our next generation about the gift of sexual desire and what healthy relationships look like opens up the secrecy and makes it less interesting to developing minds.

Next let’s look at when we have people in our lives who are having a pornography buffering compulsion. Our typical reaction to loved ones in our lives who are dealing with a sexual compulsion is to shame and guilt them, avoid them, blow up, constantly checking up on them, sneaking into their computers or phones, withdraw intimacy, blame them for the problems in their relationship and, of course, to think that we’re not enough, that we’re the reason they are using porn. The truth is that pornography is actually neutral, it is real in our world, it is factual, by itself it’s nothing. We are the ones who put meaning to pornographic use or exposure, that meaning will create an feeling that will dictate how we act and the results we will get in our relationships with ourselves. When we think thoughts like “they spend more time watching porn than paying attention to me”, producing the emotion of resentment, we’re showing up in ways we aren’t really proud of in an effort to try and control them. The end result is us spending lots of time complaining about how someone else isn’t treating us right which gives us the result of us mistreating ourselves.

We could totally skip the part that creates us beating ourself up. We can totally skip to empathy so we can show up for our partner. We can totally decide that someone else’s problem is for them to figure out and that we’re here for them, no matter what.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If I could eliminate pornography I would be all on board with that, unfortunately that isn’t in my control, nor do I want it to be. What is in my control is how I’m thinking about it and what that will do for all of the people around me. I want to be able to open up clarity around what is real and what is real is that our children are being exposed to it and our loved ones are using it to avoid what is happening in their life. When we come at pornography from a place of wanting to be able to help our children, to be able to not make it mean anything about us when our spouse is buffering with it, wanting to have open conversation instead of hiding in shame, that’s when we will need to feel self confident, empathetic, compassionate and certain. Our thoughts will need to be thoughts of how you want to help your children or spouse through their life, which allows you to show up with unconditional love, as your best self, and that my friend is a beautiful result.

When looking at one’s own personal experience around pornography and sexual dysfunction, the self coaching model will help you create awareness with what is happening for you so that we can then see how it might be affecting our relationships.

My journey to awareness around pornographic material, my journey of re-writing my story has empowered me in my own relationships and has led me to help empower others in their own journey. Being able to use my story to teach others how to let go of the chains from their past and their own sexuality has been one of the most rewarding parts of what I do.

I have a passion to create awareness and openness around the topic of pornography and it’s affect on people’s most intimate relationships, instead of sweeping it under the rug creating long term dysfunction. Let my passion allow you to finally let go of the story you keep telling the world. Let my passion allow you to tell a new story, a story of who you really are and a story of who you are becoming. Let me help you become the person who is intimately in love with their committed relationship.

๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

From Relationship Scarcity To Abundance

It is 100% possible and the journey I take my clients through.

This is the last of a three part series where I dig into my concepts of relationship scarcity and relationship abundance. If you haven’t been following along then I’d strongly suggest you go back to my last two posts before you explore today’s post.

Today I want to talk about the process of going from relationship scarcity to relationship abundance. Let’s start with my definitions for both and see if we can find out where you might be on the relationship continuum.

Relationship scarcity – is when we think there is always a shortness of supply when it comes to our relationships. Not enough of them, not enough love being given, basically always in a state of never enoughness.

Relationship abundance – Always an overabundant amount of love which is overflowing from within oneself.

The process of getting from relationship scarcity to abundance is the meat and potatoes of my Awaken You coaching program. Going from a place of never enoughness to overflowing fullness. It’s going from a heart that is constantly being filled up from an outside vessel, yet always empty, to the place of complete heart healing that finds the heart always full.

The process is one of learning how to watch one’s mind, seeing what is going on in there, on default. Once we are able to see what we’ve been doing as habit, on autopilot, we can then learn how to manage and train it for complete success.

Complete relationship abundance.

Let me share six different ways to start the journey:

Learning how to use the thought model to look at what your current thoughts are producing for you.

This in of itself is a mind blowing, life changing, tool. Once you learn the concept of the thought model and practice using it you learn that all of your thoughts are 100% optional and not unchangeable facts. Through the model we have the ability to see how to change our current personal reality.

Learn how to take your power back by changing old belief systems.

You will start to see how you are giving away your power to others, both in our past and present lives. We learn the process of letting go of old stories and re-writing them in a way that serves us. We learn how to stop looking to our past for evidence of what we will produce in our future. We examine current belief systems and challenge them all.

Learn how to be self confident.

You stop being afraid and start experiencing all of the emotions that are available to us, especially those that keep us from showing up at our full capacity. You learn how to trust yourself and do what you tell yourself you’re going to do.

Dig into relationships that hurt.

You begin to discover the freedom that comes when you are able to release the pain and start moving towards neutrality and, if you choose, unconditional love.

Learn how to let go of self destructive behaviors.

Including over eating, over drinking, over spending, over exercising, people pleasing, over medicating, under performing, by learning how to fully experience what is happening for us instead of numbing out and avoiding.

Learn how to plan for success.

When you know how to manage your brain around time then we can start producing our dream life instead of just hoping.

Stepping into relationship abundance is like stepping through the veil of darkness into a world of utter blinding brightness. It’s a freedom hard to fully describe to the relationally scarce person, but most certainly worth the challenge.

Your life will never be the same once you’ve done this work.

Your taste of freedom, light and love will be a feeling you won’t want to ever let go of and I can’t wait to lead you there!

๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“๐Ÿ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, fun and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Four Ways To Stop Letting Yourself Down

We all do it.

The good news is that we have the power to change history for ourselves.

What we do after we let ourselves down determines whether we use the experience to move us forward or get us even more stuck in old patterning.

As we break the old patterning we will be able to see ourselves WANTING to fall back to old patterning by seeing ourselves WANTING to let ourselves down. As we break this patterning though and start to feel the incredible feeling of NOT letting ourselves down we are able to stop ourselves before we seek immediate pleasure at our own expense.

I’m curious, what is your favorite way to let yourself down?

  • Over: eat – drink – spend – sleep, under sleep
  • Don’t complete goals, possibly never even start them, just think about some day….
  • Sustain an unfulfilling life
  • Don’t speak up for yourself
  • Don’t take time to understand what you’re feeling or what you want out of life
  • Allow yourself to stay stuck in relationships that don’t seem to be working for you (this is something you have full power over, without even involving the other person)
  • You don’t believe you deserve a better life
  • You aren’t growing
  • You self criticize
  • You don’t peel off that outer facade and start designing the life you were created to live

I’d like you to pause for a moment and ask yourself why you are letting yourself down? Why are you allowing this to happen in your life?

Let me offer a few reasons why we let ourselves down:

  • We want to seek immediate pleasure even though it doesn’t last and often let’s us down
  • We don’t want to endure the immediate discomfort of not indulging
  • We haven’t figured out how to manage our time, project/goal plan
  • We’ve created a patterning of not trusting ourselves
  • We lack the self confidence to do the things we are afraid of doing
  • We are people pleasing instead of self pleasing
  • Our relationship with ourself is weak
  • Habit: we’ve developed brain patterning that keeps us doing what it is we’ve always done, even when it hurts us in the long run, we don’t know how to change

While I have been thinking about this whole phenomenon of letting ourselves down I started to notice how we act when we let ourselves down:

  • make excuses
  • beat ourselves up
  • ignore, pretend it didn’t happen, avoid
  • learn from the experience

This last option is the option I want to help you to start choosing. This is going to be the option that will allow you to grow, move forward and start changing years of patterning. The other choices, well, they just keep you stuck and actually, falling deeper into the patterning you’ve created for yourself.

Here are my four suggestions to get you started in moving you forward and starting the process of standing up for yourself:

Awareness

Start paying attention to what you’re thinking and how it’s making you feel.

Start being on to yourself and noticing when you do let yourself down. It’s all going to start by looking back at when you do let yourself down. Notice it first, then when you start noticing you can write down some things: what were you thinking before you let yourself down, how did those thoughts feel, that feeling is what drove you to the action of letting yourself down, doing what it is you didn’t want to do resulting in you letting yourself down.

Once you start breaking it down after the fact you will notice that your brain will start becoming aware before you let yourself down, your conditioning will still have you doing what you’ve always done, that’s ok, repeat the writing process above.

Eventually you will start catching on to yourself.

This is when you can start questioning what you’re doing before you even do it. You can dig into why you’re doing what you’re doing, it’s always because of a feeling that comes from a thought. Here is when you can start actually noticing what happens when you resist that emotion, which is what we’ve been trained to do in our past, hence why most diets and goals end up failing. Resistance leads to giving in, and usually giving in HARD. This is where you will want to learn how to allow the emotion, how to sit there and be uncomfortable with the urge to let yourself down.

This is where you learn how to stop reacting to emotions by becoming aware of them and just watching them pass by.

Create a goal

Yes, one goal, but this is just the start. Many of us think up some pretty amazing goals, yet we have no idea how to plan and create success with those goals, we’re over ambitious and plan a long list of goals all at one time, a perfect set up for failure.

It starts with picking one goal and then creating an obstacle list. What are all of the things you’re going to run into that will keep you from reaching that goal. Write them down.

Then you will come up with a list of strategies for your obstacles, you will schedule all of these strategies on your calendar. If the strategy is lengthy then break it down into bite size chunks.

Lastly, you will need to go back up to the awareness section because every time one of those strategies comes up on your calendar, guess what?

You’e going to want to let yourself down.

Ask great questions

Your brain will search for answers to the questions you ask it, so ask questions that move you forward, not questions that keep you stuck.

Poor questions:

  • Why am I such a failure?
  • Why can’t I do what I say I’m going to do?
  • Why am I so weak?

Instead ask great questions:

  • In what ways am I strong and powerful?
  • How can I succeed at this next task?
  • How can I start doing what I say I’m going to do?

Start practicing these new thoughts

Once you start asking good questions you’re going to have some good thoughts to think. Start practicing these thoughts, but make sure they are believable because practicing thoughts that you don’t believe won’t get you anywhere except right back to letting yourself down.

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My Awaken(YourTrue)You program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer a free call to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. It’s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.

Living A Life Worth Living

I wonder how many of us are actually living a life that we feel is even worth living.

I then wonder how many of us are actually “living” in our current life?

How often are we fully content, right here, right now, not wanting and wishing for something better?

Before I go on, I want to pause. I am not at all talking about not having goals, of not wanting to strive for greater achievement. I am talking about being fully content and happy with our present circumstance.

In my reading the other day I found that soon it may be possible for many people to prolong their life to upwards of 115 years. If we are able to live that long what value does it hold unless we are living a life worth living?

I can say that my past life experience has often been one of not appreciating the amazing space I find myself currently in but often fantasizing about how life could be…when I find success.

As I type those words I can honestly say how grateful I am for the coaching work I have done to get to a place where I feel completely at peace with who I am and what I’m doing in the world.ย 

When we go from always wanting something different to accepting and loving where we currently are then living to 115 sounds, and will be, amazing.

To be able to come to the end of each day seeing each accomplishment. To be able to successfully assess things that didn’t go well in your day, evaluate them from a place of compassion, not self judgement, to learn and grow. To love and trust in yourself so much that you know each day moving forward will be a beautiful, growing experience.

Living like that is a daily life worth living.

Creating a meaningful life means everyday is better than the last and then there is no fear in questioning whether living to 115 would be worth living.

Now, ask yourself honestly if you feel like you are living your best life? If you don’t feel like you are then ask yourself why. Why aren’t you? Most of us don’t know how, we were never taught how. That’s what I teach. I teach you how to live your best life, a life worth living.

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Myย Awaken(YourTrue)Youย program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer aย free callย to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. Itโ€™s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.

Social Taboo: Talking Out Loud About Our Struggles

As I was reflecting on a social gathering we had here at the house a few weeks back, it struck me as interesting when I thought about how uncomfortable people get when we openly discuss things that we are struggling with in our lives.

It’s not that I don’t understand why, I mean, I was the queen of covering up my poop ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃย ! OK, let’s pause a moment because I am completely laughing out loud at myself. The previous sentence was not in my original writing of this post and that sentence was real truth my friends! I just was envisioning my dog Zeta after she does her business, she is adamant about covering up her ๐Ÿ’ฉ, sort of like I wasย ๐Ÿคฃ.

It’s just that through all of the self work I have done, through all of the coaching I have gotten, I am very comfortable talking about my ๐Ÿ’ฉย and I’m going to tell you why. If we just keep covering it all up it becomes a big pile of messiness but the messiness isn’t outside of us, like it is for Zeta, it’s all piling up inside of us creating one big toxic mess. Getting it out, talking with a coach, seeing it on paper, hearing it out loud allows us to process and start re-wiring our inner, self taught program, allowing us to upgrade into a daily next best version.

I wonder if you can figure out why we’re so uncomfortable talking about our problems.

What I came up with is that we’re uncomfortable with ourselves. We are ashamed, embarrassed, disappointed, afraid of other people’s judgement, what they might say.

We attempt to control what other people think about us by doing things like:

  • pretend everything is amazing
  • complain and blame others
  • gossip about others, directing attention to someone else’s “dysfunction”

I now realize how healthy it is to share our struggles and here is why I believe this:

  • talking out loud about our struggles allows us to heal but also brings about healing in others, as they hear our story they can start to feel some relief, some hope and possibly be able to initiate positive steps towards feeling better themselves
  • it helps you be a true human, not pretending to be perfect or someone you’re not
  • it allows people to see the true you and connect on a much deeper level

People are going to either like you or not, you might as well find your truest connections by being your truest self.

We are human.

We all struggle.

Stop denying the struggle and start addressing it. Stop trying to control other people’s opinion of you by being someone you’re not.

Be you.

It feels so amazing!

It’s what I do on a daily basis, not just for me but for all of my beautiful clients. There is nothing more rewarding than watching people work on their problems and start living the life they were meant to live.

With a big proud smile on their face ๐Ÿ˜ƒ

I am learning how to be me and helping you let go of your created you so you, and others, can embrace Your True You!

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Myย Awaken(YourTrue)Youย program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer a free call to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. Itโ€™s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.

What Is Your Superpower?

First of all, I just want to tell you how passionate I am about the power of asking positive questions.

Most of us don’t ask questions that help our brains start looking for answers. Instead we stay stuck in confusion, telling ourselves we don’t know the answers.

One of my favorite questions to ask myself is “What would you do if you knew the answer, if you knew what to do?”

Then the brain starts searching, it starts doing it’s job.

So I ask the question and watch the brain start spitting out answers, sometimes I even just guess! It doesn’t matter, you just want your brain to get moving forward.

Now, back to the topic, what is your superpower, your inner genius?

This question came to me yesterday while I was walking Zeta. I noticed my brain wanted to seize up, it wanted to tell me that I didn’t have a superpower. Then I asked it the above question, “But what if you knew?”

All of a sudden my brain started spewing out data and I realized what my superpower is. My superpower is figuring things out. I love figuring things out and I’m really good at it, even better when I believe that it’s my superpower!

When I allowed myself to find examples of this my brain was a bit slow at the get go but as it picked up speed I just kept coming up with more evidence of my superpower. Even today my brain is giving me more evidence, I love it!

The reason this is so important for you, and me, is that this is a secret to seeing all of your past successes.

You will start to see your superpower to do things in your life, and in the lives of others.

You can then look at your current life to see if you are utilizing your superpower to it’s fullest ability.

Most often we are not.

At this point we can start being curious about unleashing this superpower – what would that look like in your life?

Lastly, you can start asking how you can optimize that superpower in your future.

How will your superpower allow you to actualize your most successful self who daily lives out their life fulfilling purpose?

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Myย Awaken(YourTrue)Youย program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer a free call to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. It’s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.

How I Help You Actualize Your Dreams

As I write this post I am on a plane to Plano, Texas. It was exactly one year ago, to the month, that I left Plano to embark on a new life journey.

You see I had been living my dream job.

For thirty years I got to work in the lives of literally thousands of beautiful people. Coaching athletes to live out their own dreams in the athletic sports health and wellness industry.

That dream had been put on my heart while I was an athletic trainer in high school.

Laughed at when I spoke this dream out loud, told I was way too smart for that, I followed the footsteps of my dad, diving into the world of Chemical Engineering.

My heart told me this wasn’t me.

Then I took the exit ramp off that highway and decided to step into the world of journalism and graphic design, both still loves of my life, yet insecurity had planted it’s seed deep in my soul. I never truly allowed myself to bloom fully into this field. (Can I just say that it’s made me so happy that this passion has been able to continue on with me throughout all of what I’ve done. This makes my heart shine so much!)

Life happened, I got laid off, and I found myself desperate to make money so I ended up, basically, where I originally dreamed of being.

Yet it still never felt right.

I always felt like I was under actualizing my capability, I was smarter than this.

I never fully allowed myself to absorb the magical life I had fallen into.

Insecurity, thoughts of being smarter than this, of not being fully worthy settled in yet deeper.

For thirty more years.

I literally did my best to destroy myself, never good enough, never allowing myself the joy I deserved.

I struggled to find true happiness in my life.

Then I discovered life coaching. This created a huge curiosity within my soul. Was this my next chapter?

I applied the principles.

I got myself coached.

My life changed.

A LOT.

I started to feel myself get set free.

This was so beautiful I could not keep it to myself.

It set my world on fire.

Now, one year later, as I head to my Mastermind in Plano, Texas, I can say that my life is shining.

I can say I’m smart, really smart.

I can say I am amazing, truly amazing.

I can say I absolutely LOVE what I do, 1000 (thousand) percent!

I can say I am grateful because now I REALLY get to help people blow up their life.

Not just through health and wellness and succeeding as an athlete but in EVERY area of their life.

You.

I see you.

I love you.

I want to show you how to make YOUR life shine.

It is 100% possible!

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Myย Awaken(TheTrue)Youย program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Eitherย book your call nowย orย send me an emailย with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on myย mailing listย where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.