Your Dream Relationship Begins With You

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Cal came to me fifteen years into his relationship, in a place he called desperate. Cal’s wife had expressed her discontent in their relationship and told him she was considering leaving. He was doing everything he could to figure out what he could do to make her stay, nothing seemed to be working. He wasn’t performing well at work because his mind was never where he was, it was always on his wife and the life they had built together, a life that included children that he adored but couldn’t even give his attention.

It is not at all uncommon for couples to wake up at some point in their marriage wondering how they got here. Though together, they have lived separate lives for so long that the gap between them seems too deep to unite. Many times one is ready to let go while the other is desperately trying to pull them in.

Most of us are looking outside of ourselves to feel love. We are attempting to get someone else to feel differently, act differently, think differently so that we can feel better, feel loved. We find ourselves desperately doing things in an effort to get people to love us, it’s people-pleasing and it doesn’t work.

So what is the solution?

Stop looking to others to fill up your emotional cup, it’s time to build your own love fountain. You can’t fall in love and expect the love to last unless you first do the work of loving yourself. I often tell people considering marriage that it takes two whole people to come together and become one, then I ask them if they feel complete and whole.

The first thing people will often tell me is that they do love themselves, but after asking a few questions we discover the truth. You can’t feel whole if you don’t first have a loving relationship with yourself.

Secondly, I want to ask you who your original “love” connection role models were, you don’t have to look too hard. If you were raised by your birth parents, it would be them. Maybe you don’t remember your original instructors, that’s significant to helping you understand how you connect with your partner now.

Definition of relationship:

Let’s look at what many people think relationships are: what other people think of us. We work hard to prove ourselves as someone worthy of being in a relationship with, often maintaining a certain distance just in case the other person decides to change their mind about us. With this definition, we find ourselves never fully committing to the relationship and, listen closely; we treat our relationship with ourselves the same.

Let me give you a better definition of relationship, a definition that will completely set you free. My definition of relationship is your thoughts about someone else. That’s it. No performance on your part necessary, you show up as you and decide what you want to think about your connection with the other person. What this means is you also have to let the other person decide what they think of you. In your love relationship you cannot change how your partner thinks, feels and acts towards you, all you can do is work on your side of the relationship.

Now, take my definition of relationship and apply it to yourself. What are your thoughts about you?

What does loving yourself mean?

I have a question I like to ask myself on the regular: if I was in relationship with myself, would I love me? How do I speak to myself? How to I treat my body? Who do I allow in my life? Do I set boundaries to protect myself?

Let’s look at a few examples of what loving yourself could look like:

  • You speak positively to yourself, like someone you are in love with.
  • Honoring your commitments to yourself. You trust yourself by doing what you tell yourself you’re going to do. You work on your important relationships. You follow through on things you committed to doing even though you might feel uncomfortable taking action. You question all current beliefs and re-commit to the ones that serve you, changing those that don’t serve you (not lovable, not valuable, not worthy). You know that other people can’t hurt or reject you – only you can do that.
  • You feel and process your emotions, taking full responsibility for how you feel and not for how others feel, you build your self-confidence.
  • You tell the truth by expressing your opinion and not people-pleasing.
  • You value your own opinion and your feelings.
  • You commit to loving yourself no matter what and don’t put love aside to beat yourself up or feel shame and guilt.
  • Let go of the need to be right.
  • Allowing others to be themselves without needing to change or control them.
  • Letting go of perfectionist characteristics.

So how do you start implementing this work of learning how to love yourself?

Step one is to make and commit to the decision that you will do the work to learn how to love yourself. Then you consciously re-commit to your work hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc – you make it a lifetime commitment that you continually decide on.

Step two is creating awareness: you begin to notice what you do, notice what you are feeling, notice what thought is creating how you feel and you start to understand what it is you are doing and why. Learn how to become aware of how you are feeling in your body – this is the indicator of whether you are thinking something powerful or limiting. You will begin by becoming aware after self-defeating actions as you do the work of noticing and correcting. Then you will begin to notice it while you are doing it. Lastly, you will see it coming and be able to change course, eventually, it will just be what you do – love yourself unconditionally.

Step three is creating balance: when you notice yourself being negative dig into the why, why are you beating yourself up? Then see if you can replace it with something more positive, a ladder thought – also learning how to recognize and give yourself credit when you treat yourself positively. Try doing my free Relationship Abundance course and put yourself in as your partner.

Step four is to create an affirmation practice. I highly recommend the use of affirmations which is the work of creating new thoughts that you believe about yourself and repeating them. Record yourself saying them and then listen to your voice speaking them. The process is all laid out in my free Abundant Love mini-course. My form of affirmations IS NOT the process of attempting to believe something you don’t believe, and it works!

Wondering about Cal and his marriage? Cal has found that when he stays out of his wife’s head and really works on honoring himself and telling the truth, his relationship starts to come together. Yep, it’s true and it works.

As you do this work you will start to notice your partner change. You will no longer be expecting them to act a certain way so you can feel good because you are learning how to make yourself happy. When you know how to make yourself happy then when you come together with your lover you can just let them be themselves and all you have to do is show up to love them!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Swimming and Emotional States

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If you’re wondering what swimming and emotional states have to do with each other then you are about to find out. Personally, I love to swim and believe it is a great antidote when experiencing an emotional state that you want to process. With it’s repetitive, automatic motion, the relaxing sound of the water movement, fresh air filling your lungs, with blue sky speckled with clouds and sun rays dancing off the water, heavenly and thouroughly meditative. If you are someone who has swum in one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota for the majority of your life, you will totally get it. Swimmer or not, I think you will be able to appreciate my following swimming analogy when it comes to our different states of emotion.

I came to this analogy while going through an extended β€œnegative” emotional period. I put the word negative in quotations because I prefer not to name an emotion negative or positive, all emotions drive us to take actions, negative emotions have us taking actions that typically keep us from moving forward. In contrast to that thinking though I want to offer that negative emotions, when processed correctly, can actually move us forward by helping us to see what we are creating and using it to learn. When we learn something from any experience we are moving forward.

Some people wrongly assume that once you have experienced working with a coach you will never experience negative emotion. Wrong. This life is meant to be both good and bad, it is a balance called life. Don’t let this assumption keep you from working with a life coach, having someone on your side helping you navigate life is the best gift you could ever give yourself, as well as everyone in your life. Coaching makes going through the negative a whole different experience, read on.

So what is the β€œ50/50”?

When I say 50/50 I’m talking about negative versus positive emotional states. β€œGood” times versus β€œbad” times. Times when we feel open and are moving forward versus times when we are feeling closed in and stagnant.

Life will always be a balance of both of these emotional states, often we have times when that ratio is skewed one way or another, more often to the negative.

Currently, I am using the swimming analogy to compare negative emotional states as being under the water while positive emotional states as being above water and looking at a blue sky with the sun sparkling off the water like millions of diamonds.

During this negative emotional state that I was experiencing, I observed that it had been a while since I had endured a mental state that I couldn’t move through. I was then able to compare how this state felt now, after working with several different life coaches, to life prior to learning about coaching.

The 50/50 before life coaching.

The negative 50 seemed more like a 80, 90, or 99. I felt continually pushed under the water by outside forces, against my own will. I believed most of my life was gloomy, and that made the positive barely visible. I needed outside stimulation to make that little bit of positive feel right; no wonder I overate, over drank, or overdid most anything that could make me feel better. All of this proves the philosophy that what we look for, we will find because there were plenty of people who saw my life as perfect.

Once in a while, I would come up for air, and when I did, the sky was mostly cloudy. Even when I used something outside of myself to feel better, I never felt like I ever saw the sun. Whenever I was under the water, maybe I could see the sun, but it was only through the dirty murky water and barely visible.

The 50/50 after coaching.

As I was going through this particular negative stretch what I noticed was that it really wasn’t all that bad. Yeah, I was feeling a bit under the weather but I described it more like bobbing on the water, every once in a while slipping under the water but still being able to see the sun because the water was clear. All the time that I was under the water I knew that the sun and fresh air were right there and I could pop up to grab some. I knew I could stay there a while and enjoy it’s beauty as it sparkled across the waves and then I would pop down under again. All the while knowing it was no big deal. I knew that this was something I was creating, that I could feel it all and be ok, the shore was just a few breaststroke’s away.

In review of the before and after what I most want to impress upon you is the difference in energy between the two scenarios. The “before” scenario keeps you stuck in a state of suffering while the “after” scenario allows you to be present with your pain while continuing to move forward with your life dreams and goals.

There you have it my beautiful friend! Life will always be the contrast of good and bad, the negative along with the positive. When you know that the bad or negative all comes from our thinking, your life will completely change. You will be able to see your emotional states for what they are, that you are creating it all with your very own mind and that you have the power to change it. You enjoy the swim because all around you there is the good with the bad.

Self coaching and working with a coach helps us to see what we are experiencing and why. We can see it is temporary, meaningful and that we are all ok.

Self coaching and coaching will show you that the way to the other side is just a vibration in our body created by our mind with our thinking.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Results Driven

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Humans, in general, are results-driven, whether we even know it or not, we are always creating some sort of result. I have always been result-driven, I went to college thinking I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer, figuring out the solution to problems on paper seemed very logical and came fairly easily for me. Wonderfully, it still serves me today because I like thinking about my desired result and work backward from there. So the day I found the self-coaching thought model, I was a bit in problem-solving heaven. The truth is that in my life, I haven’t always believed creating the results I wanted to be as possible as figuring out the result of an organic chemistry problem. That is until I found the self-coaching thought model.

This week we’re on week six of my seven-part series, where we are breaking down the very first, and most important tool I teach my clients, the self-coaching thought model. If you are just joining me this week, I invite you to go back to the first post in the series, my brain flossing post, and get yourself caught up before you join in here.

What is a result?

A result, according to Google, is a consequence, effect, or outcome of something. When we look at the self-coaching model, the result is the end of the model; it’s what we come up with when we see all of the actions we take. Your emotion fuels those actions we are feeling. The emotion we are feeling comes from the thought we are thinking about the circumstance in our life. Pure math. Sort of.

The result line in the self-coaching model is our result only, the result we are creating for ourselves. It will never include someone else’s result or what someone else is doing.

Past results

So now that we know where our results come from we can look at every result we have gotten in our past and see that we ourselves created that result. It wasn’t because of something that someone else did, we created it with our thinking. Stay with me, keep following along and this will start to make sense.

Let’s look at an example of a circumstance of a past ended relationship. Remember, we are always looking at ourselves; what actions did you take to create the result of leaving a relationship? What feeling drove those actions? What thought were you thinking about that specific relationship that made you feel that way? Obviously, there are many, many, many circumstances, or facts surrounding a broken relationship but we only need to look at one at a time to find that we created that result for ourselves.

Current results

The same goes for where we are right now in our life. Let’s use the example of being in a relationship with someone you have chosen. Maybe you think your result is that you are unfulfilled in that relationship, what actions are you taking to create you being in that relationship? What emotion is driving those actions? What are you thinking that creates the feeling you feel when you think about being in a relationship with that person?

Future results

Now let’s look at the circumstance of being in that same relationship that we talked about in the current results above. Let’s say you want the result of being fulfilled in your relationship. Now you can ask yourself how you’ll need to act, feel, and think about that very same relationship. We will need to change our current thinking so that we can get to this new result. We will have to think like our future self, the person who has already reached the result of being in a fulfilling relationship. I know, a bit mind bendy but 100% possible.

Our thinking creates our results and this is why I encourage my clients to think big, not limiting themselves, to write down all of their dreams. I help them not to fail ahead of time by telling themselves that their goals are only fantasy.

Action steps

This week I want you to start looking at your past, present and future results. Start writing them down, start a list for all three, and keep adding to them daily as you think of more results you’ve achieved or want to achieve. Write down the positive along with the ones you chose to think of as negative. Your brain will gravitate to the ones you consider negative so make sure you balance it out with those you believe to be positive, Then I want you to consider how you think about the ones you consider to be negative. What if you thought differently about them? What if they actually weren’t negative but exactly what you needed to help you move forward into something different?

Truly getting the results we want in our love relationships and our lives are just math. Over the past six weeks, I have broken down each part of the thought model equation. The thought model is the answer to every problem in our life; everything fits into the model, so now we can start playing around and creating results we want. Now that we can see our current results and how we achieved them, next week, I’m going to help you put it all together. You’ll learn how to use the equation to begin creating the love relationship of your dreams.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Actions Speak Loudly

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. It’s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. I’ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Creating Great Connection

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! πŸ˜ƒ It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!