Creating Your Love List

Creating Your Love List | Relationship Coach

Three weeks ago I started a seven-part conversation about a process I teach my clients that helps them look at their thinking, it’s called the thought download. When we’re able to see our thoughts on paper it helps us to understand why we’re feeling the way we do. Last week I discussed the difference between the facts and the drama in that thought download. After learning how to separate out the facts from our drama we are left with all of our thoughts and that’s what we’ll be digging into today. Read through to the end of this post to find a free course I offer to help you with this exact process.

So why are these thoughts so important? The thoughts we think will always determine the results we are getting in our life, good enough reason? All of the results we have gotten in our life have come from our thinking, you can even look back and prove this to be true. Think back to times in your life when you were thinking things were just not going your way, then ask yourself what your thoughts primarily consisted of during that time. Were they mostly positive? Probably not. Then go back to times when you were on top of the world, do you remember much negative thinking?

This week I want to help you start using those thoughts you see in your thought download to help you start feeling better, starting with some awareness. I often share that the beginning of change is awareness. This awareness actually makes your brain consciously pause and recognize, or attempt to recognize, what you habitually do. Before you create awareness you are just going along, doing your thing, maybe even recognizing the fact that you don’t like what you’re doing, but doing it anyway. Today we’re going to work on short-circuiting what you are doing on autopilot.

Let’s dig into those thoughts on that paper.

Facts versus thoughts

Last week I talked about fact versus drama but today let’s do an overview. Often times we think that our thoughts are true, I see it happen all of the time with myself and with my clients. We might truly believe that our husbands are “hard”, “unloving”, “passionless”, so much so that we’ll search for evidence that proves our story. Then someone tells us about how sweet and kind our spouses are and we are all over arguing their perspective. The truth is, all of your descriptors are exactly that, your description of how you are seeing your spouse. I’ll even bet that there was a time in your relationship where you thought he was a shining knight, a passionate lover, a kind and caring man. Trust me, my friend, he hasn’t changed, it’s just your current thoughts about him and someone else thoughts about him.

Unless everyone in the world can agree on the sentence or it can be proven in a court of law, it’s just a thought. Take out the drama, the emotion, the description and you’ll have some facts. See last week’s thoughts for some examples.

Positive thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel good. The thought will generate a positive emotion.

  • He takes care of me.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He chose me.

Negative thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel bad. The thoughts generate a negative emotion.

  • He never kisses me when he comes home.
  • He never comes up with ideas of things to do.
  • I’m not having fun in my marriage.

Net positive or negative thoughts

Now you can look at that thought download you did and sort it out:

  • Put an “X” through any facts. There probably won’t be many, that’s why it’s called a “thought” download.
  • Circle your negative thoughts.
  • Put a line through your positive thoughts.
  • For every positive thought you drew a line through, also draw a line through one of your negative thoughts.

What you have remaining, the sentences that are not crossed out, are your “net” thoughts. Do you have negative or positive thoughts left? Remember, there are no right answers here. Most often at the beginning of doing thought downloads, you will have more negative than positive thoughts, though it can change from day to day. When we are feeling like our marriage is broken and unfixable we are often in a cycle of thinking negative thoughts. So much so that we rarely have positive thoughts about our spouse or our marriage to each other, we’re constantly seeing everything that is “wrong”.

The following exercise will help you short circuit this habitual thinking pattern you have created and help you change, getting you a new perspective.

Creating your new love list

This exercise starts teaching your brain to start looking for something different than what you’ve taught it to search for. You will start by deliberately finding positive thoughts about your partner and your relationship. If you’ve been in the habit of seeing all of the negative it will take some work to find even one positive thing to think about your spouse, this is where you learn to ask positive questions. If you start asking yourself positive questions your brain will start going on a different search. You have been sending it on a search for what is wrong with your husband and your relationship, now you are sending it on a search for what is right about all of it. To begin, you will find it difficult to find something positive but keep asking, your brain will find them. Notice the resistance you have to the positive thoughts that it comes up with, your brain will want to tell you these new thoughts are not true. It’s ok, challenge yourself to believe them anyway.

Once you start finding some positive thoughts I’d like you to start creating your new love list:

  • Start writing them down in one place, start a list.
  • Start reading them throughout the day, adding a new one when your brain offers one to you.
  • Continue asking positive questions about your partner and your relationship.
  • Say them out loud so you can hear them, especially right when you wake up and before going to bed.
  • Use an affirmation app like ThinkUp to help you with this new process.

Start noticing your thinking in action.

Now you can start experimenting with noticing when your brain is thinking a negative thought in action. When you notice this thought pause, ask yourself what love would say, and come up with something positive to think. Maybe you even check that list and insert one of your new love list thoughts.

Becoming aware of your thinking allows you to overcome any of the problems in this life and in your marriage. Once we discover the truth behind the fact that the only problems we will ever have in this life are with our thinking, then all the problems become solvable.

If you stick to this practice and make it something you do daily, I promise your current thinking patterns will change. Soon you will not even notice those things you are noticing right now as negative because you have taught your brain to search for the positive. You have taught your brain to search for love because love is what feels best. I have created a free mini-course called Relationship Abundance which is based on everything I shared today and I am sharing it with you today. It will help you go from thinking negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage to seeing how to change that thinking. Even better? It will help you with anything you are struggling with right now, like maybe that job? Your mom? That co-worker? Yep, it will help with all of the relationships, even your relationship with money!

The next step is to learn how to start feeling, after you’ve worked through a week of creating your love list dive into the next step!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

A Daily Tool To Manage Your Mind

A Daily Tool To Manage Your Mind | Relationship Coach

Today I am kicking off a seven-part series where I take a deep dive into the individual parts of the tool I used to change my life. The thought model is a tool that helps us look at what is going on in our heads and deciding if our thinking is serving the life we want to create. That’s it. It’s a straightforward concept but usually a bit abstract for most of us because it’s not something we’re ever taught growing up. Read on to learn how about this daily tool that will help you manage your mind.

The thought download is simply the practice of sitting down with pen/pencil and paper to start transferring what’s going on in your head and putting it on the paper for you to see. I have developed a daily practice of doing thought downloads, very much like the regular practice I have of flossing my teeth. When I forget to do either of these two practices, I feel dirty, unhealthy, and yearn to do as soon as I realize I missed my practice. Like any practice that you have done and now do it daily, this will take dedication to your mental wellness, and just like your health wellness; it will become part of what you do to be your best self.

We call it a thought download because most of the sentences floating around in your head are just that: thoughts. As you do this work, you will discover that very few of the sentences you take out of your head and put on paper are actual facts.

What exactly are thoughts?

Thoughts are observations, opinions, ideas, judgments, reflection, contemplation, recollection, expectation, anticipation. All of these definitions of a thought help reinforce the truth that thoughts are not facts. They are sentences that we make up or observe about the truth or reality, that is happening around us.

It is not a truth.

Next week, we will dig deeper into thoughts vs. facts but for today, let’s just say that facts are not subjective or just existing in our mind. A fact actually exists and is real without description: actual words said, actual actions taken.

Let me share some examples:

Thoughts versus facts:

  • “My husband is funny” verses My husband said: “Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.”
  • “He drinks too much.” verses “He had two beers on Monday night.”
  • “My husband thinks I’m fat.” verses “My husband gave me a scale for Christmas.”

Most of us are completely unaware of our thoughts or the impact that they have on the results we are creating for ourselves in our life. Doing thought downloads helps us get off of autopilot and in control of our life and relationship destination. They help us move closer to the relationship goals we desire instead of driving us in the opposite direction. In our marriages, we often have many thoughts that we’ve repeated so often that we now believe them. We believe he is a poor communicator and that he always needs to be right without even taking a look at where those believes are taking us in our love relationship. Let me tell you; they are not getting us to love and blissful living!

Why write our thoughts down?

Writing our thoughts down creates awareness for us, but it also cleans our brains out, just like flossing our teeth. If you have ever journaled, you might think back and wonder why you enjoyed journaling, or even the opposite; many people don’t enjoy journaling. Journaling feels good because we get what we are thinking out of our head; it gives us a moment of clarity, clear-mindedness even if we don’t do anything with the thoughts you’ve written down. Often, when people don’t enjoy journaling, they are afraid of looking at what is in their head; they think that it will make it real, that it might somehow hurt them. The truth is though that they are only words, and that’s why I tell you to write everything down when you start doing thought downloads. The most important thoughts to write down are the ones you don’t want to write. Sentences like “I hate them,” “He’s a jerk.”, “He eats like a pig.”, “He is so unloving and cold.” they are ALL thoughts, and the fact that you are thinking them means you’re a human. Once you learn how to do a thought model, you will learn how to look at those thoughts and decide where they are coming from, what they are creating for you and decide if you want to change them. Also, I believe there is often fear that your partner might find your thought download and that you have the ability to hurt them. You don’t have the ability to hurt them, and two, you can throw your thought download away if it makes you feel better.

The difference between journaling and a thought download is that a thought download doesn’t need to tell any story or be logical. It is just a list of sentences that you are thinking and possibly a few thoughts. Think junk drawer, open it, take everything out, and see everything for what it is, no judgment about why it’s in there.

What do you do with these thoughts?

The answer to that question is why I created this series; I’m going to break it all down for you over the next seven weeks. Until then, it’s just the process of cleaning them out of your head and taking a look at them, just like the first step of cleaning out the junk drawer. You will start evaluating what you took out of your head and decide which ones you like and want to keep. What you won’t do right now, or ever, is judge them as bad; they just are. This is an exercise to learn and grow, not an exercise to beat yourself up in an attempt to quickly change to something you might not be ready to change to. It’s like reacting to your husband’s words by yelling and then beating yourself up for it; it gets you nowhere except quicker to the next argument instead of learning something from the experience and doing something different next time.

Thoughts are our emotion generators. Whenever we are feeling a certain emotion a thought is drawing it. A negative or bad emotion comes from a thought we’re thinking and the same with a positive, or good thought.

As you go with me through this series, I want to encourage you to play along and see what thoughts you are creating on a day-to-day basis. I want to encourage you to take 10 minutes every day to do a thought download; that’s all it takes. You can do it early in the morning before starting your day, my suggestion, or over your lunch or in the evening. I often do them multiple times a day; if I find myself getting stuck in some mind drama and unable to move forward in my day, it’s great medicine.

By the end of this series, you’ll have an awareness of how your thoughts are creating the life you are currently living, the marriage you are now living, and how to start changing them so you can create the life you dream of living. Every day, start this week, doing a thought download, see what you have stored up in your head, no judgments. If you want my Relationship Thought Download worksheet to help you with this work, then click on the link and grab your copy! Next week I’ll teach you how to keep the thoughts you want and let go of the ones you don’t want.

Thoughts drive everything we do; they are so significant! Starting to pay attention and create awareness will help you begin the process of changing them. We can’t change what we don’t see as a problem! Visit the next post in this series and learn about Facts Versus Drama (Thoughts).


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.