The Secret You Can’t Keep

The Relationship Secret You Can't Keep | Relationship Coach

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If you have ever been asked to keep a secret, you might understand the tension that arises when you’re in conversation with someone who makes it easy for you to share the secret. We get to a pause in the conversation where we’re searching for something to contribute, and all of a sudden, that secret is the topic of discussion. It was a secret you couldn’t keep.

Our brains default to figuring out why this secret has to be kept; it is so important that we can’t stop thinking about it. In all honesty, though, the secret sharer knows it’s quite likely the person will leak the secret, and the question I pose to you is this: who is to blame when the secret gets out?

I shared that to make you think a bit about secrets, now for the secret I know you can’t keep.

If you are anything like me, you have had an inborn desire to grow, improve, be better than the day before. While on the outside, it appears as though this is actually occurring, on the inside, it feels like an ugly, hot mess, broken and unsuccessful. This is often the secret people aren’t interested in sharing with anyone, their shame around how they feel on the inside not matching up with what they are presenting on the outside.

The secret I can’t keep.

The magic of having a life coach. It is not any life coach but a life coach who uses thought work to help you see why you aren’t getting the results you want. The life coach that helps you decide what results you do want and then walks along with you as you start making those results your reality.

I recently had a life experience that was a beautiful analogy to how a life coach helps us create the love relationship that we want. I’m going to share the story with you today.

I love decorating the house for Christmas, but there is one task that I wrestle with every year, and it is putting the wreath upon the fireplace. You see, I have this piece I made several years ago that I absolutely adore; it is a simple pallet board base with a deer skull hanging in the center of it. During the holidays, I hang a wreath around the deer antlers with some whimsical decorations, but every year, I struggle to get it right. This year as I started the battle of setting up the wreath, my daughter watched from across the room. I contemplated, complained, then climbed up the ladder and attached the ribbon hanger. This handmade creation is a bit delicate; over the years, I’ve dropped the skull, the whole piece has fallen, it is uncentered, etc.; it really was a struggle.

From across the room my daughter said, “Why don’t you take the whole thing down and assemble it on the ground?”

🀯

Initially my brain wanted to defend my position, explain how I’ve been doing this for years, it’s plain difficult. Then I thought I’d take her advice. Simple. Enjoyable. Brand new. My yearly struggle with this project resolved.

It seemed brand new because it was brand new to my brain. Funny thing is, I had done it this way in the past after much struggling but all my brain could remember was the struggle. This outside observation changed my perspective around this holiday task forever.

This is the exact work I do as a coach with my clients.

I help them see what they are doing, why they are doing it, and then help them develop a brand new, easier, more productive, and much more enjoyable way giving them a result they can appreciate.

The secret my clients can’t keep.

My AwakenYou program is the secret they can’t keep. Once they complete the program, there is a confidence in themselves that they can’t help but share. The transformation they have achieved to create the marriage relationship they dream of makes them so happy that they can’t keep it to themselves. They share it with their girlfriends, guy friends, family, and anyone who will listen because she wants everyone to know that if she can change her life, so can you!

Once introduced to the concepts I share in my program, we can’t help but notice how they will help our friends. We’ve found the only tools/techniques that actually have had a lasting effect on our love relationship. We feel so good, even while we continue creating our best romantic relationship, because we know that things will keep getting better and better if we continue to do the work.

We end up becoming the friend that helps others discover the key to unlocking love again in their marriage.

Maybe you will be the one who passes on the key of personal relationship freedom to the world around you. As women, we love helping others feel good; we love helping others solve their problems; I want to show you how to do this in your life so you too can share your secret to a lasting love relationship.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach working with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my Awaken(YourTrue)You 1:1 coaching program helps you discover that you are enough. This self-love empowers and equips you to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship you desire. I’d love to talk with you about my process and welcome you to our community, book a program inquiry call today and let’s discuss your future romantic goals.

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The Relationship Fix

You could actually heal your relationship today, on your own, if your brain were like a computer operating system. Imagine if someone erased all of your current thoughts about your partner and your relationship with them and was able to replace those old thoughts with shiny new ones. You would think differently about your relationship. You would feel differently. You would act differently, giving you the result of that shiny new relationship you have been dreaming about, and that is what I call The Relationship Fix.

Today I’m going to share my Relationship Fix webinar where I teach you four practices, plus one special bonus practice, that you can start implementing in your life today that will start the process of turning your relationship around.

If you are in a relationship that has lost its luster then I want to encourage you to set aside some time to watch my class so that you can start taking the steps of re-creating, re-designing, and reigniting your love relationship.

Click here to watch my Relationship Fix Webinar, enjoy!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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Becoming A Love Rockstar

Love Rockstar

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Do you remember a time in your love relationship when you felt like the love rockstar? Happy days where you couldn’t do any wrong in your relationship, and when you did, it just didn’t matter because you believed you were THE love rockstar! You and your partner were the envy of all of the other couples, and you were so proud about being able to do relationships right. You stuck by each other’s sides, held hands, played footsies under the table, ok, enough already, you say because right now you might be feeling like your rockstar status is in the toilet.

I’m going to share the best news ever in today’s message – you can actually still believe that you are the love rockstar. We talk a whole lot about beliefs here, and not thinking that you are a love rockstar is certainly not serving you with how you want to show up in your relationship.

Today we’re going to talk about how to get that rockstar status back in play.

Melissa came to me fully deflated. She didn’t know where to start but what she did know is that she wanted to have a rockstar relationship, sort of like she remembered having when she was dating her husband. She even started taking some actions that she thought might help get her that status:

  • She started taking better care of herself, wearing makeup, styling her hair, choosing outfits that she thought might draw attention from him
  • She started doing nice things for her husband like making his lunch, leaving love notes, buying special treats
  • She planned special dates and intentional time alone

Her actions didn’t appear to be working. Her husband didn’t seem to be noticing any of the things she was doing. Because she wasn’t getting what she wanted from him, she shut down romantically and started seeking validation elsewhere.

We uncovered in our coaching sessions that Melissa had a consistent underlying thought that she was no longer considered lovable by her husband. When we uncovered that thought it didn’t seem like a thought at all to her, she had accumulated so much evidence that she was unlovable and no longer a love rockstar. Her husband had never said these words, and she had never asked him if he considered her lovable. When she was honest, she admitted that him saying those words wouldn’t have helped and that she wouldn’t have believed them. REGARDLESS of whether he thought she was or not, she doesn’t have to believe him; instead, she just made the thought up herself and decided to believe it.

Melissa decided she was a love rockstar.

Here is where we started our journey from thinking she was no longer a love goddess to believing wholeheartedly that she was 100% a love rockstar.

We started all of the work on that belief and explored how it was making her show up; even while she was taking some of the above-listed actions, she still believed that she was unlovable so she saw she was only taking those actions in hopes that he would approve and show her love. Her actions were coming from an inauthentic place; she took action from a feeling of unworthiness, making her actions empty.

We started working on her unintentional thought and looking at why she looked for validation from outside sources. Melissa had never learned how to validate herself; she always relied on others to do that for her. When she learned how powerless that made her, how it got her results of being unlovable to herself, she started to understand the value of finding her validation from within.

Melissa started paying attention to her reasons for wanting to take some of the actions she wanted to take in her marriage. Even when we look at the above actions, we looked at taking them from feeling unworthy versus feeling self-compassion or self-confident. She noticed the different energy each version gave her and loved how she felt when she could take action from self-confidence.

She started noticing that she didn’t care as much if her husband responded or not, she continued to show up in a way that felt good to her, in a way that felt like love to her. Eventually, she was so happy with herself, feeling like a love rockstar that she stopped noticing that her husband wasn’t responding.

She actually started to notice ways in which he was responding.

When we learn how to validate ourselves, we start taking steps in our relationship without expectation of how the other person should react. We let them be themselves, and eventually, we start to see their possible self-protection mechanisms; we love them for who they are, not hating them for who they aren’t.

Melissa was able to move from thinking she had fallen from the love rockstar status to being all-in on being the love rockstar she knew she could be by building belief, self-confidence, and self-trust in her love relationship. That is what we do in AwakenYou, we take you from where you are to where you want to go in your love relationship. Going from loveless to love rockstar is possible for anyone, join the others who are becoming the love rockstar they imagine themselves to be!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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Letting People’s Opinions Keep Us Stuck

When Other People's Opinions Keep Us Stuck

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As humans, we are very concerned about what the tribe thinks of us, and once upon a time, for a good reason. Long ago, not fitting in could have meant being the group’s weak link, causing us to be left behind to survive on our own so the tribe wouldn’t be compromised. Fitting in was a matter of life or death!

Now in the twenty-first century, this is not the case for us adults living our modern-day life. Not fitting in will most definitely not cause us death, yet our brain will do it’s hardest to convince you that this is a lie. Our brain wants us to stay stuck in our limiting belief, it thinks you are safer there.

First, I want you to pick a recent decision you’ve wanted to make and see how another’s opinion might affect your decision.

Let’s start by playing a little game, you know me, I LOVE to play! Let’s go back to your last big decision; maybe it was getting out of bed this morning, for real! Just come up with any decision, and I’m going to show you how this works with a decision like getting out of bed.

Example decisions could be:

  • Having that cake or donut or pizza, or all three
  • Quitting your job and starting your own business
  • Taking some time off of work
  • Leaving the party early
  • Choosing to not have a drink at dinner with your friends
  • Joining a program or taking a class

Secondly, I’d like you to write down what you think other people’s opinions might be about your choice.

Let’s go back to waking up when the alarm goes off. Let’s also pretend that you have mentioned to your partner that you’d like to start getting up earlier to get your workout in before work. The alarm goes off in the morning when you wanted to get up, and your partner pops right up out of bed. You want to stay under the covers and snuggle in. The thought crosses your mind that he might think you are lazy for not getting out of bed when you said you would. Now you feel guilty for wanting to stay in bed, and you start complaining about being tired, how you want to sleep another 15 minutes. You stay under the covers but don’t sleep one bit; you complain and tell yourself stories about how annoying your partner is. 30 minutes later, you drag yourself out of bed, complain about how late it is, rush around like a crazy woman making for a stressful morning. All of this resulting in you not doing what you said you wanted to do, thinking that you’re lazy, and getting annoyed with your partner, blaming him for making you feel guilty. None of this has anything to do with what your partner does, says, thinks, but when we don’t take care of our own needs, we will often look outside of ourselves to reason for our discomfort.

Pay attention to how you are getting into someone else’s head and letting them determine your outcome. When we are thinking these things about other people they are reflections of what we are thinking about ourselves.

  • He thinks I’m lazy > I think I’m lazy
  • She thinks I should stick with my old job > I think I should keep my old job and I’m afraid to decide on me
  • They think I’m fat because I eat pizza > I think I’m fat
  • He thinks I should work instead of taking a vacation > I think I don’t deserve a vacation
  • She thinks I’m boring for leaving the party early > I think I’m boring
  • They don’t think I’ll finish this course I’m wanting to purchase > I don’t think I’m going to complete this course I’m wanting to purchase

Now imagine yourself being able to make that decision from a place of believing in yourself.

Imagine letting go of the meaning you are making other people’s actions mean. How can we get out of their head and stay in our own? The solution is in creating belief and self-confidence in yourself that allows you to let others be who they are and not make their actions mean anything about who you are as a person.

I like to imagine myself going to the space after making the decision I want to make, the one that honors me. How would you have let anyone else’s actions not mean anything about you and everything about them? How would you have allowed others to think, say, and do their own thing knowing that you have your own back? You left the party when you said, got to bed early, and woke up feeling amazing.

Then, imagine going to the space after not making the decision you wanted to make because of what you thought other people were thinking. You stayed at the party late, drank more than you wanted to, only got a few hours of sleep, and woke up with a hang-over.

While I was thinking about all of this and writing this post, I then thought about the scenario of peer pressure around seeking mental wellness.

One of the main reasons people don’t seek a mental wellness professional is the fear of what other people will think, other people’s opinions.

It keeps us from doing many of the things we want to do, like seeking a personal trainer, getting a gym membership, taking a dance class, and hiring a professional to help us with our business website. Still, the most detrimental decision it keeps us from is the decision to invest in our ourselves.

When we let go of what others think and decide to be all in on ourselves, that’s when we can actually invest in ourselves and create the success that we have only dreamed of in the past. The only way to fully get to that place is to trust and believe in yourself – exactly what we do in AwakenYou.

As you start building a strong relationship with yourself you start noticing when you’re holding yourself back. You already just did an exercise of awareness, the more you start to see what you’re doing and the error of your thoughts you can start self-correcting.

Once you begin to Awaken(YourTrue)You you’ll start to catch on when your brain is working in it’s old operating system and needs to be self corrected into it’s new mode of operation. That new upgraded operating system decides what’s best for us without worrying what others think.

If this article resonated with you I also wrote another blog about other people’s opinions that has a whole different perspective, go check it out!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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The Quick Fix Myth

Relationship Quick Fix Myth

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You are in pain in your love relationship, and you are seeking help, now, quickly, like yesterday. This is the case for many of the people I talk to who want to bring love back into their love relationship. When you think about it, many of us are like this with most of our goals; we decide it’s time to giddy-up, we jump on a horse we’ve never ridden, on a saddle that doesn’t fit, and wonder why a few miles into the journey we’ve been thrown off left to lick our wounds.

The bad news I have to share with you today might create all sorts of thoughts that make you feel disappointed, sad, hopeless about wanting to do the work it will take to turn your relationship around. Which, of course, will get you the same results you have right now, being out of love.

The good news I have to share with you is that by the end of this article you will have hope, desire and motivation to get started on your journey today.

The Relationship Quick Fix

This is similar to turning the light switch on, and πŸ’₯ there is love, romance, connection, joy. You decided for the moment that you were going to change your ways, you know, like telling yourself you weren’t going to eat sweets, ever. Slowly, over time you start to creep back to your normal self, slipping those sweets in here and there, wondering why you’re not feeling the love again. You decided to switch the light on, bury, and ignore your emotions without dealing with the root of your problem – why you want the sugar. You decided you didn’t want to be uncomfortable and look inside when your partner acted or didn’t act a certain way.

We start out doing things to make the other person happy, they respond, and we think everything is working fine. Because we are outside motivated, we slack off on the work we were doing, and in response, so does your partner, then resentment enters the scene. Again, we start looking at why they aren’t doing what they need to do to make the relationship work; we are looking outside of ourselves for satisfaction. We get angry at the sweets for being there instead of dealing with the discomfort of managing our minds around why we want them, instead of doing what we said we would do for delayed gratification.

We go back to what we always did, that which made us unhappy in the first place: avoiding, blaming, looking for immediate pleasure instead of working through issues, not managing our minds, resenting, going back to what is comfortable but not what we want.

The Life Changing Relationship Fix

We are the root of our own problems, and often, we don’t want to do that work. Why? For the exact reasons that we need to: because it sounds hard, it sounds uncomfortable. Easy never wins; think about all of the “easy” fixes you have had in your life; did they last? Did they REALLY make you happy?

The work of looking inside is an investment in YOU that will pay itself back in more ways than just feeling better in your love relationship. It will:

  • Improve all of your relationships
  • It will have you producing more than you have ever produced
  • You will have more energy than you’ve ever had
  • You will create more money and pleasure
  • You will lose the weight, feel calm and look better than ever
  • Creating that which you have always wanted to create

It is the work of reinventing a lifetime of hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and anyone who thinks they don’t need to do this work is settling for the life they have. I’m not saying that is wrong, but when you complain about that life, that’s when it’s wrong. That’s when you are missing the point.

The process of dealing with the root of the problem is creating slow self-pleasure releasing hits over and over again versus the self-ignoring buffering pleasure hits of your past. The daily joy that comes as you heal from the inside and create permanent change in your life feels good and very self motivating.

Re-wiring old neuropathways takes time, takes patience, takes consistent daily steps forward. It’s a continual journey to self-awareness and freedom from being at the mercy of self-limiting beliefs. It’s all-in on yourself, every day, and believing in the future that you are creating, one powerful moment at a time.

No matter what relationship quick fix someone may be offering you, there is no quick fix that is permanent. That would be like me promising you that there is a quick and easy way to losing your extra weight, forever. After thirty years in the health and wellness industry let me tell you, there is no quick fix for any permanent change in your life. Any quick fix over time will have you, at best, right back where you started though more often than not, in a worse place than where you started.

All permanent, long-lived solutions are life journeys where you re-commit daily to being better than the day before. To lose weight permanently, you have to be willing to work on mind management every day. Getting to your goal weight isn’t the end of the journey; it’s a continual journey to improve your relationship with food and yourself. Getting to your dream relationship is the same, every day re-committing to the work, re-committing to your partner, re-committing to yourself as you nurture and grow into your next best self.

That is why my clients hire me to help them along the journey to empower them to take the brave steps forward into the life they know they could live but the life they haven’t figured out how to step into.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Your Dream Relationship Begins With You

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Cal came to me fifteen years into his relationship, in a place he called desperate. Cal’s wife had expressed her discontent in their relationship and told him she was considering leaving. He was doing everything he could to figure out what he could do to make her stay, nothing seemed to be working. He wasn’t performing well at work because his mind was never where he was, it was always on his wife and the life they had built together, a life that included children that he adored but couldn’t even give his attention.

It is not at all uncommon for couples to wake up at some point in their marriage wondering how they got here. Though together, they have lived separate lives for so long that the gap between them seems too deep to unite. Many times one is ready to let go while the other is desperately trying to pull them in.

Most of us are looking outside of ourselves to feel love. We are attempting to get someone else to feel differently, act differently, think differently so that we can feel better, feel loved. We find ourselves desperately doing things in an effort to get people to love us, it’s people-pleasing and it doesn’t work.

So what is the solution to creating your dream relationship?

Stop looking to others to fill up your emotional cup, it’s time to build your own love fountain. You can’t fall in love and expect the love to last unless you first do the work of loving yourself. I often tell people considering marriage that it takes two whole people to come together and become one, then I ask them if they feel complete and whole.

The first thing people will often tell me is that they do love themselves, but after asking a few questions we discover the truth. You can’t feel whole if you don’t first have a loving relationship with yourself.

Secondly, I want to ask you who your original “love” connection role models were, you don’t have to look too hard. If you were raised by your birth parents, it would be them. Maybe you don’t remember your original instructors, that’s significant to helping you understand how you connect with your partner now.

Definition of relationship:

Let’s look at what many people think relationships are: what other people think of us. We work hard to prove ourselves as someone worthy of being in a relationship with, often maintaining a certain distance just in case the other person decides to change their mind about us. With this definition, we find ourselves never fully committing to the relationship and, listen closely; we treat our relationship with ourselves the same.

Let me give you a better definition of relationship, a definition that will completely set you free. My definition of relationship is your thoughts about someone else. That’s it. No performance on your part necessary, you show up as you and decide what you want to think about your connection with the other person. What this means is you also have to let the other person decide what they think of you. In your love relationship you cannot change how your partner thinks, feels and acts towards you, all you can do is work on your side of the relationship.

Now, take my definition of relationship and apply it to yourself. What are your thoughts about you?

What does loving yourself mean?

I have a question I like to ask myself on the regular: if I was in relationship with myself, would I love me? How do I speak to myself? How to I treat my body? Who do I allow in my life? Do I set boundaries to protect myself?

Let’s look at a few examples of what loving yourself could look like:

  • You speak positively to yourself, like someone you are in love with.
  • Honoring your commitments to yourself. You trust yourself by doing what you tell yourself you’re going to do. You work on your important relationships. You follow through on things you committed to doing even though you might feel uncomfortable taking action. You question all current beliefs and re-commit to the ones that serve you, changing those that don’t serve you (not lovable, not valuable, not worthy). You know that other people can’t hurt or reject you – only you can do that.
  • You feel and process your emotions, taking full responsibility for how you feel and not for how others feel, you build your self-confidence.
  • You tell the truth by expressing your opinion and not people-pleasing.
  • You value your own opinion and your feelings.
  • You commit to loving yourself no matter what and don’t put love aside to beat yourself up or feel shame and guilt.
  • Let go of the need to be right.
  • Allowing others to be themselves without needing to change or control them.
  • Letting go of perfectionist characteristics.

So how do you start implementing this work of learning how to love yourself?

Step one is to make and commit to the decision that you will do the work to learn how to love yourself.

Then you consciously re-commit to your work hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc – you make it a lifetime commitment that you continually decide on.

Step two is creating awareness

You begin to notice what you do, notice what you are feeling, notice what thought is creating how you feel and you start to understand what it is you are doing and why. Learn how to become aware of how you are feeling in your body – this is the indicator of whether you are thinking something powerful or limiting. You will begin by becoming aware after self-defeating actions as you do the work of noticing and correcting. Then you will begin to notice it while you are doing it. Lastly, you will see it coming and be able to change course, eventually, it will just be what you do – love yourself unconditionally.

Step three is creating balance

When you notice yourself being negative dig into the why, why are you beating yourself up? Then see if you can replace it with something more positive, a ladder thought – also learning how to recognize and give yourself credit when you treat yourself positively. Try doing my free Relationship Abundance course and put yourself in as your partner.

Step four is to create an affirmation practice

I highly recommend the use of affirmations which is the work of creating new thoughts that you believe about yourself and repeating them. Record yourself saying them and then listen to your voice speaking them. The process is all laid out in my free Abundant Love mini-course. My form of affirmations IS NOT the process of attempting to believe something you don’t believe, and it works!

Wondering about Cal and his marriage? Cal has found that when he stays out of his wife’s head and really works on honoring himself and telling the truth, his relationship starts to come together. Yep, it’s true and it works.

As you do this work you will start to notice your partner change. You will no longer be expecting them to act a certain way so you can feel good because you are learning how to make yourself happy. When you know how to make yourself happy then when you come together with your lover you can just let them be themselves and all you have to do is show up to love them!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!