Getting From Here To There

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“I get it, living with me is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in relationship with myself either! I live with myself every day and it’s no easy job.” Come on my friends, any of you said words similar to mine? When I look at those words today I just smile because I truly was creating the result I believed so hard in. You might suggest to me that I shouldn’t smile when thinking back to those days but I’m going to smile, jump in the air and do cartwheels because baby, that ain’t me anymore!

Sometimes the process of looking forward to our dream relationship is daunting, it truly feels like our life was just destined for drama. When we think about where we are right now and how much work it would take to get to where we want to go, well, it’s easier to give up. The question I have to ask you though is this: “Is it really the work that’s scaring you?”, my guess is it’s not, you’re not afraid of hard work. The thing scaring you and keeping you from your dreams is all the feelings you’re going to have to feel to make that dream a reality. It’s easier to stay where we are, accepting that this right here is just fine. Not only that, what right do we have to even think we can make those dreams come true? It’s all fantasy, dreams only other people achieve. These, my friends, are only thoughts that your brain loves to offer because if we’re honest, it’s what you’ve been telling yourself for years and proving true.

If you’ve been with me the last eight episodes of this blog, then you have learned and are recognizing that you are the creator of where you are, just like I was the creator of being a crappy partner in my head. You’ve also taken the time to dream about what you want to create for yourself, just like I have created a relationship I love being in. Maybe you are so ready to start stepping into that future self that you’ve been waiting patiently for this post, where I show you how to take steps forward. Let’s get to it then!

Before we dig into moving forward let’s do a little review.

The unintentional model

This is where we are right now, what we are creating in our marriage, our love relationships, in our lives.

The intentional model

This is where we want to be, where we want to go. It is the relationship and life of our dreams.

How to get from unintentional to intentional or should I say: from where you are to where you want to be.

Step one: you must take tiny little believable steps.

To leap belief from “My marriage is broken.” to “My marriage is everything I hoped it would be.” is going to have you living a false life. If your current state of mind has you believing that your love relationship is broken, you are not one bit close to considering that dream thought, the belief that you want to have. So how do you get from where you are to where you want to go? You start finding thoughts that feel believable and evoke an emotion that moves you forward.

Let’s look at the unintentional thought (My marriage is broken.) and how it’s making you feel, let’s say it’s making you feel hopeless. Hopeless has you showing up in ways that create for you a broken, disconnected marriage by possibly avoiding your husband, not planning ways to connect, not taking uncomfortable action, blaming him for how you feel, not being honest.

What if you could modify your unintentional thought just a bit, in a way to make you feel just a bit better? Maybe one of the following might be a bit more believable:

I am simply thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

Maybe I’m wrong about my marriage being broken.”

It’s possible that my marriage isn’t broken.”

I’m open to the idea that someday my marriage won’t be broken.”

Might any of these feel believable? These are a few examples of modifiers that could get you moving forward. These modifiers can be used on any thought that is getting you an undesirable result in your unintentional model. These thoughts could generate an emotion of hopeful and from that emotion have you taking different actions like planning time with your husband, self-coaching on things that come up in your marriage, working on your belief of something better which gives you a result more like doing the work of improving your relationship with yourself and your marriage.

This baby step is the first step towards your intentional model. You take this new thought with you; every time you think your old opinion, you remind yourself of your new thought. What then happens is your belief in the new thought begins to solidify; once this new thought feels normal, it’s time to start working on a more powerful thought. This new thought will help you even closer to that dream model. You can also try thinking one of the thoughts you couldn’t believe earlier. You will continue this work over and over until you eventually are in full belief of your intentional thought model. Let’s try one out, starting at the very top of the ladder with your deliberate thought, the last thought is your current thought, the bottom rung of the thought ladder:

“My marriage is everything I hoped it would be and more.”

“I am creating my dream love relationship.”

“I am going to create my dream relationship with my partner.”

“I am the author of my love.”

“I am dedicated to working on my relationship with myself and my partner every day.”

“I notice when I am loving myself my marriage doesn’t feel broken.”

“I’m going to work on loving myself.”

“My marriage isn’t broken.”

“It’s possible my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I wonder what it would be like to think my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I’m only thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

“My marriage is broken and that’s ok.”

“My marriage is broken.”

A word on visualization and creating your future self now.

Visualizing and becoming your future self now is a key element of this process. As you are at the bottom of the ladder, standing on the ground in your unintentional thought, you are looking up the ladder at your intentional thought way up at the top. You visualize all of the actions you will be taking when you reach the top. You will feel all of the emotions it takes to get to the top of that tall ladder. You will start becoming the person that is up at the top of the ladder before you actually get there. You know the one; she’s high fiving her partner, smiling at her old self, jumping in the air and yep, doing cartwheels.

Do you know what happens then? You get to the top of the ladder and don’t even realize you are there. You have already built that belief along the way so that when you get there, you are that person! So fun. Until I wrote the first paragraph of this article I can’t even tell you the last time I thought I was a bad partner in my relationships, it’s no longer something I believe and remember I completely believed that disempowering thought, yuck!

Becoming your future self before you hit your goal brings me to something I want to touch on here today. Have you ever achieved a big goal, and then when you got there, it didn’t seem like a big deal? It’s what happens when you do the work of believing in yourself ahead of time. That’s what most likely happened in your life up to a certain point, maybe college, maybe after purchasing your first house or having your first child, and then something happened. You think you stopped creating big dreams when in reality, you stopped dreaming big. Please, NEVER STOP DREAMING BIG!

Action steps

This week I want you to start creating your own thought ladders, you can create multiples with different thoughts you want to stop believing. I have several going at a time, right now I have one going with my marriage, my business, and money. To help you with this process I created a thought ladder worksheet that I’d like to share with you. Keep them somewhere where you can look at them daily and add to them when you are able to take on a more powerful belief.

I’d love to hear what thoughts you are working on believing in your life and answer any questions that you might have as you do this process. Please share them with me!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Your Love List

Three weeks ago I started a seven-part conversation about a process I teach my clients that helps them look at their thinking, it’s called the thought download. When we’re able to see our thoughts on paper it helps us to understand why we’re feeling the way we do. Last week I discussed the difference between the facts and the drama in that thought download. After learning how to separate out the facts from our drama we are left with all of our thoughts and that’s what we’ll be digging into today. Read through to the end of this post to find a free course I offer to help you with this exact process.

So why are these thoughts so important? The thoughts we think will always determine the results we are getting in our life, good enough reason? All of the results we have gotten in our life have come from our thinking, you can even look back and prove this to be true. Think back to times in your life when you were thinking things were just not going your way, then ask yourself what your thoughts primarily consisted of during that time. Were they mostly positive? Probably not. Then go back to times when you were on top of the world, do you remember much negative thinking?

This week I want to help you start using those thoughts you see in your thought download to help you start feeling better, starting with some awareness. I often share that the beginning of change is awareness. This awareness actually makes your brain consciously pause and recognize, or attempt to recognize, what you habitually do. Before you create awareness you are just going along, doing your thing, maybe even recognizing the fact that you don’t like what you’re doing, but doing it anyway. Today we’re going to work on short-circuiting what you are doing on autopilot.

Let’s dig into those thoughts on that paper.

Facts versus thoughts

Last week I talked about fact versus drama but today let’s do an overview. Often times we think that our thoughts are true, I see it happen all of the time with myself and with my clients. We might truly believe that our husbands are “hard”, “unloving”, “passionless”, so much so that we’ll search for evidence that proves our story. Then someone tells us about how sweet and kind our spouses are and we are all over arguing their perspective. The truth is, all of your descriptors are exactly that, your description of how you are seeing your spouse. I’ll even bet that there was a time in your relationship where you thought he was a shining knight, a passionate lover, a kind and caring man. Trust me, my friend, he hasn’t changed, it’s just your current thoughts about him and someone else thoughts about him.

Unless everyone in the world can agree on the sentence or it can be proven in a court of law, it’s just a thought. Take out the drama, the emotion, the description and you’ll have some facts. See last week’s thoughts for some examples.

Positive thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel good. The thought will generate a positive emotion.

  • He takes care of me.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He chose me.

Negative thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel bad. The thoughts generate a negative emotion.

  • He never kisses me when he comes home.
  • He never comes up with ideas of things to do.
  • I’m not having fun in my marriage.

Net positive or negative thoughts

Now you can look at that thought download you did and sort it out:

  • Put an “X” through any facts. There probably won’t be many, that’s why it’s called a “thought” download.
  • Circle your negative thoughts.
  • Put a line through your positive thoughts.
  • For every positive thought you drew a line through, also draw a line through one of your negative thoughts.

What you have remaining, the sentences that are not crossed out, are your “net” thoughts. Do you have negative or positive thoughts left? Remember, there are no right answers here. Most often at the beginning of doing thought downloads, you will have more negative than positive thoughts, though it can change from day to day. When we are feeling like our marriage is broken and unfixable we are often in a cycle of thinking negative thoughts. So much so that we rarely have positive thoughts about our spouse or our marriage to each other, we’re constantly seeing everything that is “wrong”.

The following exercise will help you short circuit this habitual thinking pattern you have created and help you change, getting you a new perspective.

Creating your new love list

This exercise starts teaching your brain to start looking for something different than what you’ve taught it to search for. You will start by deliberately finding positive thoughts about your partner and your relationship. If you’ve been in the habit of seeing all of the negative it will take some work to find even one positive thing to think about your spouse, this is where you learn to ask positive questions. If you start asking yourself positive questions your brain will start going on a different search. You have been sending it on a search for what is wrong with your husband and your relationship, now you are sending it on a search for what is right about all of it. To begin, you will find it difficult to find something positive but keep asking, your brain will find them. Notice the resistance you have to the positive thoughts that it comes up with, your brain will want to tell you these new thoughts are not true. It’s ok, challenge yourself to believe them anyway.

Once you start finding some positive thoughts I’d like you to start creating your new love list:

  • Start writing them down in one place, start a list.
  • Start reading them throughout the day, adding a new one when your brain offers one to you.
  • Continue asking positive questions about your partner and your relationship.
  • Say them out loud so you can hear them, especially right when you wake up and before going to bed.
  • Use an affirmation app like ThinkUp to help you with this new process.

Start noticing your thinking in action.

Now you can start experimenting with noticing when your brain is thinking a negative thought in action. When you notice this thought pause, ask yourself what love would say, and come up with something positive to think. Maybe you even check that list and insert one of your new love list thoughts.

Becoming aware of your thinking allows you to overcome any of the problems in this life and in your marriage. Once we discover the truth behind the fact that the only problems we will ever have in this life are with our thinking, then all the problems become solvable.

If you stick to this practice and make it something you do daily, I promise your current thinking patterns will change. Soon you will not even notice those things you are noticing right now as negative because you have taught your brain to search for the positive. You have taught your brain to search for love because love is what feels best. I have created a free mini-course called Relationship Abundance which is based on everything I shared today and I am sharing it with you today. It will help you go from thinking negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage to seeing how to change that thinking. Even better? It will help you with anything you are struggling with right now, like maybe that job? Your mom? That co-worker? Yep, it will help with all of the relationships, even your relationship with money!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Brain Flossing

Today I am kicking off a seven-part series where I take a deep dive into the individual parts of the tool I used to change my life. The thought model is a tool that simply helps us look at what is going on in our head and deciding if our thinking is serving the life we want to create. That’s it. It’s a straight forward concept but usually a bit abstract for most of us because it’s not something we’re ever taught growing up.

The thought download is simply the practice of sitting down with pen/pencil and paper to start transferring what’s going on in your head and putting it on the paper for you to see. I have developed a daily practice of doing thought downloads, very much like the regular practice I have of flossing my teeth. When I forget to do either of these two practices, I feel dirty, unhealthy, and yearn to do as soon as I realize I missed my practice. Like any practice that you have done and now do it on daily, this too will take dedication to your mental wellness, and just like your health wellness; it will become part of what you do to be your best self.

We call it a thought download because most of the sentences floating around in your head are just that: thoughts. As you do this work, you will discover that very few of the sentences you take out of your head and put on paper are actual facts.

What exactly are thoughts?

Thoughts are observations, opinions, ideas, judgments, reflection, contemplation, recollection, expectation, anticipation. All of these definitions of a thought help reinforce the truth that thoughts are not facts. They are sentences that we make-up or observe about the truth or reality, that is happening around us.

It is not a truth.

Next week we are going to dig deeper into thoughts vs facts but for today let’s just say that facts are not subjective or just existing in our mind. A fact actually exists and is real without any sort of description: actual words said, actual actions taken.

Let me share some examples:

Thoughts versus facts:

  • “My husband is funny” verses My husband said: “Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.”
  • “He drinks too much.” verses “He had two beers on Monday night.”
  • “My husband thinks I’m fat.” verses “My husband gave me a scale for Christmas.”

Most of us are completely unaware of our thoughts or the impact that they have on the results we are creating for ourselves in our life. Doing thought downloads helps us get off of autopilot and in control of our life and relationship destination. They help us move closer to the goals of the relationship we desire instead of driving us in the opposite direction. In our marriages, we often have many thoughts that we’ve repeated so often that we now believe them. We believe he is a poor communicator and that he always needs to be right without even taking a look at where those believes are taking us in our love relationship. Let me tell you, they are not getting us to love and blissful living!

Why write our thoughts down?

Writing our thoughts down is what creates awareness for us but it also cleans our brain out, just like flossing our teeth. If you have ever journaled you might think back and wonder why you enjoyed journaling or even the opposite, many people don’t enjoy journaling. Journaling feels good because we get what we are thinking out of our head, it gives us a moment of clarity, clear-mindedness even if you don’t do anything with the thoughts you’ve written down. Often when people don’t enjoy journaling it’s because they are afraid of looking at what is in their head, they have a thought that it will make it real, that it might somehow hurt them. The truth is though that they are only words and that’s why I tell you to write everything down when you start doing thought downloads. The most important thoughts to write down are the ones you don’t want to write. Sentences like “I hate them”, “He’s a jerk.”, “He eats like a pig.”, “He is so unloving and cold.” they are ALL thoughts and the fact that you are thinking them just means you’re a human. Once you learn the process of doing a thought model you will learn how to look at those thoughts and decide where they are coming from, what they are creating for you and decide if you want to change them. Also, I believe there is often fear that your partner might find your thought download and that you have the ability to hurt them. One, you don’t have the ability to hurt them and two, you can throw your thought download away if it makes you feel better.

The difference between journaling and a thought download is that a thought download doesn’t need to tell any story or be logical. It is just a list of sentences that you are thinking and possibly a few thoughts. Think junk drawer, opening it, taking everything out and seeing everything for what it is, no judgment about why it’s in there.

What do you do with these thoughts?

The answer to that question is why I created this series, I’m going to break it all down for you over the next seven weeks. Until then it’s just the process of cleaning them out of your head and taking a look at them, just like the first step of cleaning out the junk drawer. You will start evaluating what you took out of your head and decide which ones you like and want to keep. What you won’t do right now, or ever, is judge them as bad, they just are. This is an exercise to learn and grow, not an exercise to beat yourself up in an attempt to quickly change to something you might not be ready to change to. It’s like eating all of the pie and then beating yourself up, it gets you nowhere except quicker to the next binge instead of learning something from the experience.

Thoughts are our emotion generators. Whenever we are feeling a certain emotion a thought is drawing it. A negative or bad emotion comes from a thought we’re thinking and the same with a positive, or good thought.

As you go with me through this series I want to encourage you to play along and see what thoughts you are creating on a day to day basis. I want to encourage you to take 10 minutes every day to do a thought download, that’s all it takes. You can do it early in the morning before you start your day, my suggestion, or over your lunch or in the evening. I often do them multiple times a day if I find myself getting stuck in some sort of mind drama and unable to move forward in my day, it’s great medicine.

By the end of this series, you’ll have an awareness of how your thoughts are creating the life you are currently living, the marriage you are now living, as well as how to start changing them so you can create the life you dream of living. Just start this week, every day, doing a thought download, see what you have stored up in your head, no judgments. If you want my Relationship Thought Download worksheet to help you with this work then just click on the link and grab your copy! Next week I’ll teach you how to keep the thoughts you want and let go of the ones you don’t want.

Thoughts drive everything we do, they are so very important! Starting to pay attention and create awareness will help you begin the process of changing them. We can’t change what we don’t see as a problem!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Love Without Conditions

The dictionary definition of unconditional love is affection without any limitation or love without conditions.

This concept is something many of us struggle with. We think love is something we do for someone else. We think what someone does for us is love. Most of us have it wrong, we’ve been taught wrong. When we’re able to go from conceptual understanding to implementation of love without any limitations you’ll begin to understand the beauty of unconditional love.

Love by far, is the emotion that feels best, better than any other emotion. Think of memories that you have that feel amazing, past events that you LOVE visiting, those memories feel best because we’re remembering the emotion of love. We are feeling it again, in the present, by thinking of something, or someone, in our past and those thoughts are re-generating the feeling of love for us.

In our marriage, all we really want to feel is love.

I remember when the concept of love always being available in my marriage actually clicked for me. My coach had offered it up to me and that day I actually felt it could be true. This was definitely not the first time the concept had been presented to me, it was simply the first time I actually felt a flicker of possibility, of truth in that belief.

This was a magnificent moment for me. So beautiful that I wanted it more. Wanting it more allowed me to be more curious about when the feeling of love disappeared. It allowed me to more clearly see why I was allowing it to leave and to play with the idea of also being able to feel love in the same moment.

Before the concept of love without conditions became a reality for me in my marriage I had spent months doing working on the concept. I had some deeply seated beliefs that other people’s actions, inactions or words dictated whether I could feel love or not. To be able to shift from constantly being at the effect of other people to actually implementing personal control over how I felt was the shift that changed my life, forever. A shift I’ll never forget because the feeling of love is like an explosion of bright, open yumminess like no other!

Let’s take a look at some truths about unconditional love:

Unconditional love starts with you. The first person you need to learn how to love without conditions is yourself. When we are searching for our husbands to validate us in order to feel loved, we will never be able to freely give enduring, overflowing, unconditional love. Our ability to fully love someone else, without conditions, requires that we first understand that love. That understanding comes when we are able to express it for and within ourselves.

Loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to accept how they treat, or have treated you, as being ok. You can love someone, even possibly sympathize with what may be happening, or has happened for them to take actions that hurt, but still choose to believe what they did was wrong. You still might choose to put boundaries on the relationship to protect yourself. Never seeing them, or talking to them, might be a choice you make while still loving them.

Choosing not to love someone ahead of time in order to keep yourself from getting hurt in the future, only hurts you ahead of time. Allow yourself to love fully, in the present moment, so that you can feel love now. If hurt or pain is to come in the future then feel it when it comes, there is no need to ruin your present to protect yourself from a possible bad outcome. I love thinking about training the brain to think about your future self as always winning. This allows us to live for a positive outcome now, to feel the emotion of creating that outcome. When the true outcome arrives, that’s when we can experience whatever emotion it brings to us.

Choosing love when it seems difficult or vulnerable, will allow you to take actions that will move you forward. Choosing love will keep you taking action from your higher self and keep you from taking action from an emotion that creates a result you may regret.

If you’re not feeling love then ask yourself why. Be honest. Don’t blame someone else for you not feeling love. Your feelings come from your thinking about what someone is doing. Own your feelings and then ask yourself if you like the reasons for your feeling.

Here is a fun and interesting exercise for you to try.

  • Ask yourself why you are choosing not to love.
  • Ask why you are choosing not to feel love.
  • List all of the conditions you are putting on loving and feeling love.
  • List the things you want them to do so you can feel love.
  • Ask yourself if you can do these things for yourself.
  • Now, close your eyes and imagine what it would be like to just feel love, all of the time, regardless of their actions. What would that feel like? Really sit in love and describe that love, embody that love.

This is true, real magic. From a place of love, you will show up differently and still be able to make choices that keep you in integrity with yourself and who you want to be. You’ll be able to follow through with what you will and won’t accept. Learning how to embrace the concept of love without conditions so you can start feeling love in your most intimate relationship is what we do in AwakenYou, my one on one coaching program. Taking this work deeper is exactly what we do so that you can start looking forward to going home to your husband with pure excitement and unconditional love! Want to try some work on your own? GREAT idea! I have the perfect free mini course for you, click here to get started now!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

How Long To Heal

So many people ask me how long it will take to heal their marriage and my quick answer is tough for most to swallow.

When we’re thinking that our marriage is broken, that it needs to heal, it’s really just our thoughts about our marriage, not the facts. We might have all sorts of, what I call evidence, to prove that it’s broken, but it all just comes down to how you’re thinking about it.

With that said, it could literally take a moment to decide, and believe, that your marriage is healed. This literally could be the end of this post, yet it is a bit more complicated than that, so let’s take a look.

Once you’ve decided that your marriage isn’t what you want it to be you may be thinking that it’s broken, unfixable, boring, disconnected or any combination of these and more. You have evidence like:

  • He never tells me he loves me
  • We never have meaningful conversations
  • We’re not having sex
  • He spends his free time with his friends instead of me

Yet these are strictly thoughts you are having, none of these are factual, even the one about sex. “We’re not having sex” is just a thought, even if you got factual, like it’s been 75 days since you had sex, how does that equate to a broken marriage?

Trust me, I completely understand and I’m here to listen to your story, but in the end, the truth is that you could be thinking something completely different and doing something completely different about the facts in your marriage. You could choose to believe that your relationship is exactly the way it ought to be, because it is.

Let me guess that you might even have days when you think something different, days when you think there’s hope. Days when you think:

  • He does a great job taking care of our family
  • That was a good night
  • He loves me in his own silly way
  • He choses me over someone else

With all of that said, the process of changing belief systems and habits takes time and persistence. Let’s compare it to a weight loss goal. Let’s say you’re on a food restriction diet to get to a goal weight. You achieve the goal weight but return back to old thought patterning around food so you gain your weight back. The goal of getting to your natural bodyweight, forever, will take more time that you think. You will be changing years of eating, body and food thought patterning. The process includes learning how to love yourself, envisioning your future self, learning why you eat foods you don’t want to eat at times you told yourself you wouldn’t eat them. Your mind will actually learn how to get there before your body.

It’s the same with relationship goals. You can start today thinking it’s fixed and choosing to believe in love. That might stick for a moment but you still have your old brain, your old beliefs that are going to tell you that you’re a fool for thinking that it’s fixed. You will have to do daily work to step towards the permanent changes you desire. These are all steps of changing you by changing your mind.

You will work on:

  • Changing belief patterning
  • Feeling and owning your feelings
  • Re-learning how to love your partner, exactly the way they are, unconditionally
  • Building self confidence
  • Learning how to create the connection you want
  • Letting go of your past
  • Creating a strong commitment to getting what you want

All of this work takes time. Time that is so worth the effort put in. As you do this work you will notice the evidence you once used against your marriage is now being used for growth and change in your marriage relationship.

I have a question for you: If you knew your future held the marriage of your dreams to the man you are now married to, would the work be worth it? My guess is your answer would be yes. My answer was yes and it has been some of the best work I have ever done in my life.

If your answer is yes, then does it matter how long it takes to get the result you want? You could believe every day you are one day closer to the marriage of your dreams. You could believe that every day is a new, exciting version of your best life together. What if you believed that once you reach that dream that you could keep doing this work and continue on into even more intimate bliss?

Would it matter if it took 1 day, 1 year, 5 years or 10? Is there a time limit to creating the love life of your dreams with your husband? You could make it mean it’s too much work or you could make it mean that it will be so very worth it. You get to decide what’s harder: slow, steady improvement, feeling better, becoming resilient, persevering or giving up, feeling awful and never feeling the love you want to feel.

The process of truly believing takes time, we want evidence that it’s working yet we are the ones who determine whether our “evidence” is for us or against us. Healing is a process of believing you’re healed and the process of truly believing, down to your core, takes time. Our minds want evidence that what we’re doing is working, but we get to decide what the evidence means.

We can make it mean that every day our love relationship is beautiful and moving forward, the good with the bad. We can also make it mean that it’s headed for disaster and will never be what we dreamt it to be.

The choice is 100% yours. I believe in you and your marriage but mostly I believe in you. You are the one who has complete control over how you feel in your love relationship, I want you to feel this magic and that’s why I love helping women “heal” their marriages.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join myΒ mailing listΒ where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Bring Sexy Back

Keeping your marriage thriving will require you to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your relationship. Often times the inner workings of what keeps a relationship healthy get set aside once a commitment is established. Unknowingly we prioritize other important aspects of our lives at this point, thinking something like that love song, “love will keep us together”. It often starts with our careers, our children, then we have our hobbies and outside friendships, church commitments and then years down the road we discover our relationship has “lost its sexy”.

I like to compare relationships to a life long project that we continually evaluate, decide on purpose what is working, what isn’t working and what we might do differently to get to our desired end goal. Compare it maybe to launching a business. We wouldn’t get licensed, register with the government, open our checking account, write our mission statement and then go on to other life goals hoping to come back every night with money in our bank account.

Whether you are just starting the journey with your love relationship and still madly in love, or you’re feeling like your marriage life is more like roommates with benefits. This post will help you be deliberate with what you want to create moving forward. If you’re still madly in love, it will teach you to prioritize your love relationship. If you’re feeling more like roommates with your spouse it will help you start moving towards where you want to be.

If you’re in the later scenario, thinking about bringing sexy back into your relationship might sound like some Disney fairy tale that you’ve resolved to believe is pure fantasy. Not knowing how to bring the sexy back is not the problem, the problem is getting over the uncomfortable feelings it might take to do the work of making fantasy your reality. The problem will be getting over your belief that you’re just roommates, that the flame has died, that there isn’t any hope so settling is good enough.

I believe your sexy is important, and however that looks for you, let’s start the process of bringing it back into your marriage!

First you have to desire to bring intimacy back into your relationship.

Having the desire to bring intimacy back means you care. Having the desire means you’re willing to come up with strategies to overcome the obstacles that are in the way of you having the intimate relationship you desire. Let’s look the definition of intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.

So now that we know what intimacy means, I want you to ask yourself why you want a more intimate relationship? An excellent compelling reason to do this work is vital to creating your ideal marriage relationship, so get some paper, pen and start writing.

As you write, notice what your reasons are. Are you wanting more intimacy in your marriage for reasons that feel good to you or do you think more intimacy will make your husband love you more? Remember that we cannot control other people and how they feel, so as your write your list make sure they are all reasons that make you feel good.

Go back and look through your list and cross off any reasons that you can’t control:

  • The ones you can control are the thoughts in your own head like being able to express love in ways that are important to you, make you feel love. A reason could be just because you want to feel love and stop feeling empty.
  • The reasons you can’t control are ones that dictate how he acts or treats you so that you can feel good. You can’t control what he thinks about you taking massive action towards your intimacy goals and you can’t control what he does, or doesn’t, do.

Second, decide on purpose what you want “sexy” to look like for you.

Be very specific and make sure they are all actions that you create for yourself. This is going to require you to come up with another list.

They might look like:

  • dressing in a way that feels good to you
  • acting in ways that feel like love for you
  • losing that last 10 pounds
  • creating conversations that stimulate interest and deep thinking
  • planning long hand in hand walks through the woods
  • warm and embracing hugs

Third is your action plan for achieving the intimacy you desire.

Now take a look at your lists, what is coming up for you? Maybe it all looks like that Disney movie we discussed earlier and you feel very uncomfortable even thinking about doing some of the actions on your list. Totally ok. Start with the easy ones like how you take care of yourself, things you can do all by yourself to improve how you feel about yourself. Then move on to the less uncomfortable ones like sending him a friendly text during the work day or leaving a love note in his lunch bag. Make all of these less uncomfortable ones completely comfortable while you work on strategies to start implementing the more uncomfortable actions.

Creating your dream marriage is like any other goal you want to succeed at. You wouldn’t go about losing 50 pounds by writing up a plan, thinking about it but never taking the bold steps of learning how to allow the emotion of wanting to eat food that’s not on your plan. So while you are taking the smaller, easier steps, start thinking about how you might implement some of the less comfortable steps. As you make the easier steps more consistent, you’ll notice how good they feel, this will make you curious about how the success of the bigger actions will feel (much better I promise).

Start writing down all of the things that are in the way of you taking the actions you dream of taking. Most of obstacles are your feelings of fear and discomfort. Think about what you could do to make the action easier. Let’s look at your desire to hold hands during that walk through the woods. Before you tackle all of your thoughts and emotions around the action of holding hands, you’ll have to actually plan the walk, when will it be, where will you go, what else might you do on that trip? Plan the whole experience, start visualizing it and think about how you want to feel during that special time you’re creating.

The fourth step is to start building your self confidence.

Building self confidence is one of my favorite things to do. Building self confidence means practicing things that feel uncomfortable and learning to make the outcome not mean anything about who you are as a human. Self confidence comes from being able to experience any emotion and come out on the other side stronger.

Here is an exercise for you to try around the hand holding example that will help you build self confidence. Maybe you have a thought something like “we haven’t done this in years”, which makes you feel awkward. When we’re feeling awkward we will avoid taking the action of holding hands, getting us the result of not holding your spouses hand for even longer.

Now think about the walk while feeling self confident, what would you do? You would hold his hand, feel the emotion of awkward, your hand might sweat a bit while thinking something like “I want this in my marriage.” Giving you the result of doing what you want to do. This will give you the result of getting your sexy back. The feeling you have after will be one of elation, pure glory and joy for what you created. One time won’t be enough to make it a habit but you did it and you built up some self confidence. It will encourage you to plan another event where you hold his hand, you will still have to be deliberate until this new hand holding thing becomes normal, but that’s ok, you did it!

Now apply this technique to something else on your list. The more uncomfortable things you make yourself do the easier they will become, the more self confidence you will develop. I have a free worksheet available to help you through this self confidence exercise, reach out to me if you’re interested in using it, I’d love to share it with you.

Having your solid compelling reason of wanting your dream love relationship will keep you taking one step forward at a time. Don’t worry about how it looks, look at how it’s making you feel. Keep taking massive action every single day towards bringing your sexy back, keep creating, planning, evaluating, learning and believing in yourself and your dream. Soon enough, you will be living the life you had only previously been dreaming of.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!