Are You Self Confident or Confident? Ep 14

Are You Self Confident or Confident? | Relationship Coaching

Hello, hello my lovelies, how are you this beautiful day? We have been chatting the past few weeks about self-trust. Do we have it and how to increase it to live a more fulfilling and rich life. In last week’s episode, we talked about: Three Reasons Why We Lack Marital Confidence (link) and how we begin to lose confidence in our ability to have a successful marriage because we have stopped taking action in ways that build our confidence. Then the week before that, in episode 12: Three Steps To Building Self Trust, when we talked about ways to start building trust in ourselves, I talked about how this work leads us to have more self-confidence – confidence in ourselves. Today I’d like to dig a bit deeper into the difference between self-confidence and confidence to see how having confidence in certain areas of our lives doesn’t necessarily mean we have self-confidence. What do you think? Are you self-confident or confident or both?

Are you confident?

Let’s start with a definition of confidence. Confidence is a belief that you can do something well or succeed at something, and it is built through the process of doing, of taking action. For example, if you know how to ride a bicycle, you have taken steps to build confidence over time to get on a bike, no matter how long it has been since you were last on a bicycle, and know that you can ride it. This is not something you had before you took the training wheels off and proceeded to crash a few times along the way.

Confidence is specific to the person because it is a skill that someone has practiced or something that a person might have a natural talent for. Strong, driven, successful people like yourself have developed a false sense of self-confidence by practicing and seeking further education in what you do. You have taken actions that have developed your confidence in that thing that you do so well.

I like to liken this to your shield of confidence; you have proven to the powers that be, whoever those people are, that you are fully competent. To prove it, you also might make sure that people are fully aware of your capability, this might make you feel better about yourself because you think they are impressed by you. Many of us, I say us because I’m quite familiar with this form of confidence, use this shield out in the world yet struggle with what we commonly know as imposter syndrome because we still don’t believe in ourselves. Our self-confidence is in the tank; we generate validation, recognition, and affirmation from others, from outside of ourselves.

I experienced this during my 30 year business of coaching athletes. I had gone to college to become a Chemical Engineer; three years later I changed that path to Journalism and Graphic Design. After getting laid off from a dream design job, I decided to start helping all of the people at the gym who had been begging me to help them start their journey to a healthier life. As a single parent needing an income resource, I started one of the most successful personal training businesses in the country and became a professional athlete in the process. All the evidence of success still made me feel like an imposter, simply caused by plenty of confidence but minimal self-confidence.

Something else to consider is that confident people who lack self-confidence often will not try things they aren’t good at because of fear. They are afraid of failing or doing something that might make them feel foolish, embarrassed, or humiliated. They are afraid to experience these emotions for fear their failure or “foolish” appearance means something about who they are as a human, which would have their confidence come tumbling down in a huge heap.

Are you self-confident?

Self-confidence is a feeling of trust in one’s abilities, qualities, and judgment. It is truly an overall mindset you create for yourself about your own ability in ALL areas of your life that matter to you.

Self-confidence is the ability to do something that you might be afraid of doing, but fear doesn’t stop you from doing it because you won’t make failure mean anything about you as a human. When you are self-confident, you recognize failure, embarrassment, humiliation as emotions that could hold you back from doing what you want to do or emotions that you might have to process and feel; that’s all.

Self-confidence can look forward and see the person on the other side of whatever emotion it is that they are afraid of and being able to choose the delayed gratification of knowing that you were willing to take a chance. Taking chances is where growth comes; it’s where wisdom enters; it’s where we learn and evaluate.

Once you can learn how to overcome the obstacle of yourself getting in the way of yourself, you can take steps forward in all areas of your life, including your marriage. This is the work we do in AwakenYou; we learn how to overcome our fears which keep us from living our dream come true life, and we learn how to have our own backs in every life situation. For most of us, the biggest obstacle in our lives is ourselves, yet building self-confidence starts to erode that obstacle and helps us stop blaming the world and start creating our ideal world, life, and marital relationship.

If you want to begin coming up with strategies to overcome the obstacle in the way of your best life and your best marriage, then reach out, and let’s find time to talk. My one-on-one coaching program is designed to overcome this obstacle and clear the way to the ideal life you have stopped dreaming of.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Relationships That Hurt Us

“Hurt” can meal all sorts of things to different people based on their own personal experiences.

Who comes to mind right now when you read the title? Spouse? Mother? Father? Child? Sibling? Friend?

Why do they hurt you?

I really want you to pause and answer that question, not just in your head. Grab a piece of paper, write the question at the top of the sheet, set the timer on your phone for 10 minutes and without any interruption, write down all of the reasons they hurt you.

Maybe it’s:

  • They said something hurtful that can never be taken back. You keep bringing them to life by repeating them over and over in your head, possibly years after they were spoken.
  • Maybe it’s the unforgettable thing they did to you. The video clip in your brain won’t let you leave it in the past.
  • It could be what they don’t do, that thing that you oh so desperately wish they would. Hurting yourself over and over by telling yourself that if they would just do this one thing, then maybe you would know they love you.

My beautiful friend, there are two truths I want to share with you,

  1. Even if they do, or say, what you want, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be convinced they love you. You will still be searching for love because you won’t believe them or they’ll eventually do that thing again that proves to you that they weren’t sincere.
  2. Letting go of these stories and finding peace is 100% available to you and it’s available today if you want it to be.

Today I’m going to share some steps you can take today to start stepping out of pain and into freedom from pain. Let’s dig in.

  1. Stop blaming them for all of the things; for how you feel, for the results in your life, for the way you are, for not loving you the way you want or for the pain you unwillingly embrace. You can take your power back today. These, and all of the other thoughts that are creating pain for you, put the power of how you feel into the hands of other people. You my love, are the only person who can change that. You can decide today to never allow that person to control how you think, feel and act.
  2. Stop arguing with what is. Byron Katie tells us that we can argue with reality and we’ll lose, but only 100% of the time. Really let that sink it, I wrote it in my journal a long time ago and those words still has impact in my life, daily. Our past is absolutely perfect, just as it happened, because it did happen, just as it did. What actually happened is real, but re-hashing it again and again only continues to hurt us again and again, not hurting anyone else but ourselves. In my Awaken(YourTrue)You program we do the work of re-writing these stories in a way that lets go of the pain, bringing freedom and complete power into your hands. Re-writing my past has been some of the best work I have done with my coach!
  3. Start telling a new story. The work of re-writing our painful stories, leaving everything out that doesn’t serve us, and adding in everything that is empowering and inspires us to be our best self and eliminate the pain.
  4. Define who you want to be. Here is where your creative mind gets to take over and define for yourself who you want to be in this relationship. Do you want to be the victim or the super star? You are the one who gets to choose. You get to ask yourself how you want to feel about this relationship. If you want to feel love, it’s an emotion you create with your own thoughts and is completely available to you, no matter what they say, no matter what they do.
  5. Start the beautiful work of re-creating yourself. I saved the best for last. Yes, you get to re-design your life. The past can be left in the past and today can be day one of your new life. If it’s a love relationship you desire, then you get to create it, without any participation from the other side. When you do the work to change and design your own love life, you get to do it without the participation of anyone else because you are creating love from within yourself.

There will come a point where your desire to change exceeds the pain you keep inflicting upon yourself. When you reach the point of seeking true relief, not the relief that comes from an external source like food, alcohol, drugs, relationships, material possessions, etc, that’s when you will be ready to take these steps seriously and start applying them.

Redesigning your life and becoming that new creation is the work of self love. Self love that you never thought was available to you. Now yours for the taking and once you taste self love, you will never want to go back to putting your self worth, your self love, in the hands of others. Learning how to love yourself when you’ve never learned how is work that will change your life in ways you would never have imagined and I look forward to taking you down this life changing path!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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A Story Of An Eagle’s Transformation

The story of an eagle's transformation

There is something majestically intriguing about the American Bald Eagle, for me it is their powerful and calm demeanor that radiates out from within. They provide an example of supreme power that does not carry an ounce of pride. It has solid self confidence.

The day before my Summer Retreat Two: Bloom, I was outside, next to the lake working on my computer when I felt his presence. His shadow enveloped me as he passed overhead. As I looked up to see what that power that I felt was, I saw him fly over the trees to my right, make a u-turn and then dive down 30 feet in front of me. He effortlessly grabbed large fish out of the water and proceeded to fly, skimming the water, across the lake to land on the opposite bank and consume his lunch.

I just stood in fascination as I watched him.

This week I read a story about how eagles go through a “midlife transformation” around thirty years of age. The story told of how in order to live on they had to retreat to a mountain top, sit on it’s nest, while going through a process of plucking out it’s beak, talons and feathers. If they are able to go through this process and survive, the story tells about how they will live another 30-40 years.

This story completely intrigued me, compelling me to write about it and how it compares to the work I am doing in both my life and the lives of my clients. I was excited to be able to use this story as a source of encouragement in our own transformation processes.

A story of renewal, of dropping our old past life story, your self creation, and re-writing your story, transforming your entire life into one of fulfillment and purpose.

I was a bit disappointed to discover that the story is a fallacy but with it, true or false, I was still able to pull out some incredible wisdom.

Wisdom in that we can go through a transformation process that doesn’t require us to do anything to our outward physical bodies.

Wisdom in that for true transformation to occur we do need to separate ourselves, go to the mountaintop, so we can look deep down inside at who we have become and why.

Wisdom in that this journey does bring us life. True transformation allows us to let go and change the thoughts that are keeping us from growing into our true self.

Wisdom in that our transformation changes us from the inside and as that change flourishes, it also changes us on the outside.

The eagle’s transformation story is a myth but your transformation story doesn’t need to be.

I am writing my truth and sharing it with the world because I want the world to know that they too can write their own truth.

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I am a life coach working with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Shame: What It Is, Why You Feel It And How To Set It Free

Let’s start out with what shame is.

I love my coach instructor Jody Moore’s definition of shame that she used in a recent coaching session:

It’s what we feel when we do something that is out of alignment with who we want to be.

This has been the best description of shame for me because it resonates with me and when I feel shame. For me, it truly does come from times when I’ve done things that were way out of line from who I wanted to be as a human in this world.

The reason we feel the shame:

Judgement.

We judge ourselves negatively for doing the thing that we really don’t want to do.

We think that if we beat ourselves up over what we did it will somehow make us change.

Kind of like thinking that yelling at our kids will make them change.

Thankfully, it doesn’t work like that.

Thankfully because once we become aware of this truth we discover that the solution is within us, not outside of us.

We start realizing that beating ourselves up is giving us the opposite of what we truly want.

What actually happens is we start to get used to the feeling that shame generates and then continue to create the feeling over and over. Our body gets used to the chemical response and will continue to create it every time we do something out of line with who we ultimately want to be.

Our brain likes to look for what’s wrong and you have trained it to continue to respond this way because you’ve done it enough times that it’s now a conditioned response.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m never going to learn.”
      • “I’m stupid.”
      • “What is wrong with me?”
      • “Of course I did that, I wouldn’t expect anything better.”
  • I yelled at my child:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m an awful mom.”
      • “I can’t control my emotions.”
      • “I’m ruining my children.”
  • I spent money I didn’t have:
    • learned responses:
      • “I don’t know how to manage my urges.”
      • “I’m irresponsible.”
      • “I’ll never have any money in the bank.”

How to set it free.

The path to setting shame free is multi-faceted but let’s take a look at how to start the journey.

  • The first step is to become aware of your negative self talk.

When we do something that is against the person we want to be just start to become curious about how you treat and talk to yourself. What do you say? Are you treating yourself with love and compassion? My guess is you are not.

  • Start journalling.

Write down what you did and all of the things you made what you did mean. Write down how those words make you feel. How that makes you show up for yourself.

  • Start generating new thoughts.

From the examples above they might look like:

    • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
      • new responses:
        • “I’m open to the idea that I can figure this out.”
        • “It’s possible that I’m smart.”
        • “There isn’t anything wrong with me”
        • “I am becoming the person that expects the best from myself.”
    • I yelled at my child:
      • new responses:
        • “I am becoming the mom I want to be.”
        • “I am learning how to control my emotions.”
        • “My children are going to be amazing.”
    • I spent money I didn’t have:
      • new responses:
        • “Someday I will be able to allow my urges.”
        • “I might be wrong about the thought that I’m irresponsible.”
        • “I will be a person who has money in the bank.”

With time, as you begin to believe the new thoughts, you will be able to create stronger thoughts that will take you to the person who recognizes shame before she lets it in the door.

With time you will be able say hello to shame and kindly ask it to leave.

You can become the person that tells shame that it is no longer welcome because you have replaced shame with self love, self compassion, self confidence.

If you are someone who struggles with shame I would love an opportunity to share a conversation about whether my program is a fit for you. As you become more confident in the possibility of you and creating the life you know you were created to live I’d love to encourage you to slide into the fast lane of your life purpose.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

One Difference Between Those Who Achieve Their Goals & Those Who Don’t

One Difference Between Those Who Achieve Their Goals & Those Who Don't | Relationship Coach

I am starting to see a pattern in my clients and the success that they achieve, or that they don’t achieve.

Their level of success started with their belief of whether they could succeed or not.

The bottom line factor is their level of belief in their ability to achieve the desired result, starting from the very start of the program.

It’s super interesting because looking back from my new perspective as a life coach, allows me to go back into 30 years of client case studies.

Those who achieved massive results were not the ones who were genetically gifted.

The ones who achieved massive results believed that they would.

They were solid in both their belief in themselves and my program.

They were able to take the mind management tools and implement them to deepen their belief.

They were able to visualize themselves as the person they wanted to be at the end of the program.

They believed so hard that they were already putting into action that person from the future, thinking with her evolved brain.

I can even see this in my own work.

There were many obstacles where I couldn’t see myself on the other side.

Do you know what’s funny? I never made it to the other side of those obstacles.

Every obstacle where I could see myself on the other side before it happened, where I believed with my heart that I could achieve success to get to the other side, where I was living as that future person,  those are the times I made to the other side.

I laid out the strategies to overcome the obstacle and I followed through with completing those strategies and coming up with new plans if I hit failure.

Read that again.

When I hit failure, I re-assessed, came up with a different plan, and kept moving forward.

Because I believed.

People who believe don’t give up.

People who believe look at the facts and come up with another route.

This my friends are what I want to leave you with.

Achieving success means that you will fall down and need to pick yourself up. Possibly start over, but with a whole new set of tools and beliefs.

So I want to ask you:

Are you comfortable living with your old results?

Would you be more comfortable living with the results of your dreams?

Me too.

We have two options:

Live in the comfort of your past life or live in the discomfort of getting to your new life.

If you do the latter then you will continue to evolve your comfort into something greater than your past comfort.

Doing what you’ve always done is fine for some people, totally cool, but if you’re wishing for something different, then you have to go make it happen.

Hello, discomfort. I love getting comfortable with getting uncomfortable.

Last question I have for you:

What would your future self, the one who has already overcome that next obstacle, say to you while you stand in front of that barrier?

I love learning how to live today as though I’ve already achieved my next impossible goal.

I love talking to my future self and asking her what she would do.

I love it when she points out my old thinking and reminds me that I’ll never become her unless I believe hard in something bigger than defeat.

If you are struggling to achieve your next dream or maybe you don’t even know what that dream is. Maybe you’re just being comfortable doing the same old, same old, but you know when you talk the honest talk with yourself that you want more for your life.

If that’s you then I’d love to have a conversation with you to determine whether you want to work with me to help you figure this out. I’d love to help you unlock the door to your future, that door that you maybe even haven’t found yet.

When you find the belief that you can do this then send me an email (button below) before your belief runs to the corner and hides. Like it always does.

This time is going to be different!

P.S. This, by the way, is what I do for you. I help you assess what is happening for you, what struggles you are bumping up against. Kind of like opening up your brain and showing it to you. It is the best thing ever, in my humble opinion!

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I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Ending Your Time Management Battle FOREVER

Ending Your Time Management Battle FOREVER | Relationship Coach

Let me guess.

You are too busy to get all of the things done that you tell yourself you need to do.

You have a list of things you want to do, and while you do succeed with crossing some of the things off, it seems like the things you add are winning at the task management game.

No matter what shiny new system you implement it always seems to end the same way: too many things and too little time.

I was the queen of the lists, often starting a new list every day during my quiet time so that eventually I had a list pile. That was fun.

My guess is that if you’re reading this post that you too struggle with getting all of the things done and this post could be just another one of those posts you read but don’t fully implement.

If you are reading this post and choose not to just read it, but actually take the massive action of implementing these tips and dedicate yourself to the work it will take to make them succeed, it will do more in your life than get you doing all of the things.

If you choose to take the massive action of honoring your commitment to yourself it will literally change your life completely.

The tips I am going to share with you are just a few of the key things that I did to finally end my time management battle.

I finally have gotten myself through the most difficult steps of the system, managing my mind drama through the process, and am now fine-tuning. This will be an ever-evolving process where, as my mind becomes cleaner, more powerful, I will start achieving more and more of what I want to accomplish while being able to take more and more time for myself.

I can’t keep this to myself so let me show you my best tricks.

Once a week, I suggest Monday morning, take an hour and do a complete to do download.

I use the same notebook strictly dedicated to this task though you could do it in any journal/notebook, even your bullet journal, or scrap paper. I write down all of the things I want to get done, both personal and business.

Then ask yourself these questions:

  • What do you want to do?
  • What do you have to do?
  • What do you need to do?
  • What do I wish I would do?
  • What are the consequences of not doing each task?

Then say out loud “I don’t have to do any of this.”, because it’s true. You do not have to do any of it.

Then cross off anything you choose not to do.

Decide what tasks you might be able to delegate.

Then prioritize the remaining list in terms of when it needs to get done.

Break each task down by the obstacles you will encounter in finishing this task and the strategies for completing the obstacles. These strategies are the steps to completing your task. Decide how long each will take and then schedule it on your calendar.

Always schedule your personal time first and then fill in the rest.

Once you do this then you throw your to-do list away and start working on managing your mind around what you told yourself to do.

Let me just help you out a moment with my best piece of advice. This is NOT something you’re going to do once and magically you’re organized and getting everything done.

This is just the first step because then what will happen is mind drama will come up. Don’t forget that your old self is still the one in control of you and your mind. Your old self tells you that you should go do something more appealing than what is up on your calendar. Your old brain neurological pathways are going to tell you that you can’t do this, that it will never work.

This is where the coaching comes in.

This is where learning how to use The Thought Model will start you on the road to success.

Trust me, if this can work for me, it will work for you, the first step is believing. Hard.

The next step is to start learning how to trust yourself.

If you struggle, like I did, with being down in the dumps about all of the things you’re never able to get around to then I would love to share a free, no-obligation, coaching call with you. In this session, we will talk about what your biggest struggle in life is right now, what it is that keeps you from living a completely fulfilled day, every day. You don’t have to do anything but set down your fear of judgment, I will walk you through and put you at ease. It’s fun, just send me an email (button on the bottom of page) with some days and times that are convenient for you, and I promise to make one of them work.

I can’t wait.

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I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.