Pornography

Today I want to lightly dig into the the topic of pornography when it comes to the effect that it has possibly had in your life and your relationships.

As a life coach, my aim is to help my clients look at current belief systems around the things in their lives that are causing problems for them. Beliefs that are keeping them stuck and unable to move forward. We look at beliefs that aren’t serving them in their life and do the work of wiggling those beliefs into something that can start moving them towards the results they desire, results they haven’t been able to move close to. In order to do that I will often challenge beliefs that keep us in our past life and we work on moving forward into the person we want to be in our intimate relationships.

That’s what I’m going to talk about here with the topic of pornography.

For me, I have spent most of my life holding on tightly to a belief about early exposure to pornography. A belief that has kept me stuck in so many ways, but most evidently in my relationships. Nothing seemed to help me get out of the past, out of the resentment, out of the anger, blame and disgust. Life coaching is what enabled me to start the process of letting go of the story I was holding so tightly to, the story that was only destroying me, the story I made a part of my identity. My coach enabled me to let of my story and start creating my own beautiful story around me, my relationships and my sexuality.

A big part of that beautiful story is that my experience allows me to help other women. I am able to understand how much pain other women are around their past life stories and able to help them out of that place, into a life of relational and sexual freedom. I want you to know that I am not by any means a sex expert, I am only using my story to help others with their journey and struggles so they can start healing and create a loving relationship that they have been keeping themselves from having.

Let’s start with what pornography is: sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.

Basically, pornography is a form of buffering or escapism, similar to alcohol or drug use or overeating, over Netflixing. Buffering is when we are putting something between ourselves and something we don’t want to experience. It starts with seeking some sort of pleasure to escape from a negative emotion, an emotion the person doesn’t want, or know how, to process, immediate gratification sounds like a much better idea in the moment.

Pornography allows a person to escape that negative thing going on in their life. It’s cheap, it’s readily assessable and highly gratifying. As human beings we are genetically wired to be sexual, it’s in our DNA, it guarantees procreation and, let’s be honest, sexual gratification feels good. When we have an orgasm our brain creates a huge dopamine deposit into the blood stream telling us that what we just did was amazing and that we should do it again, and again. When used the way God designed it to be used it’s amazing, when we abuse it, well, that’s when things happen that don’t make us feel so good. That dopamine hit is highly addictive and when we don’t know how to deal with the root problem that is driving us to other sources for sexual gratification, we will seek more and more of our buffer of choice.

Pornography use and exposure becomes hurtful to us, and our future or current, partners for many reasons, with these being a few:

  • Distorted expectations of what sex looks like in real life
  • A higher sexual gratification threshold
  • Distorted expectations of what the human body should look like in order to be appealing to the opposite sex
  • Distorted ideas of how to get attention from the opposite sex and what their values might be
  • It distorts our own perceived value
  • It distorts ones view of a healthy sex life creating future relational disconnect

Let’s start by looking at pornographic exposure for young minds who are developing their ideas about relationships, themselves and their worthiness. Early exposure without education can be an influence of how to get attention from the opposite sex, it can drive early experimentation, it can create unrealistic expectations of how to behave and possibly turn into a learned tool to attract or get validation from the opposite sex. Pornographic exposure is more real today than ever which means that our children need help maneuvering through the experience they will come across, expect it sooner than later. We can help them by talking openly to our children, helping them to understand why it is unrealistic and damaging. We can help them by keeping lines of communication open instead of closing them down by shaming, guilting or scaring them. Teaching our next generation about the gift of sexual desire and what healthy relationships look like opens up the secrecy and makes it less interesting to developing minds.

Next let’s look at when we have people in our lives who are having a pornography buffering compulsion. Our typical reaction to loved ones in our lives who are dealing with a sexual compulsion is to shame and guilt them, avoid them, blow up, constantly checking up on them, sneaking into their computers or phones, withdraw intimacy, blame them for the problems in their relationship and, of course, to think that we’re not enough, that we’re the reason they are using porn. The truth is that pornography is actually neutral, it is real in our world, it is factual, by itself it’s nothing. We are the ones who put meaning to pornographic use or exposure, that meaning will create an feeling that will dictate how we act and the results we will get in our relationships with ourselves. When we think thoughts like “they spend more time watching porn than paying attention to me”, producing the emotion of resentment, we’re showing up in ways we aren’t really proud of in an effort to try and control them. The end result is us spending lots of time complaining about how someone else isn’t treating us right which gives us the result of us mistreating ourselves.

We could totally skip the part that creates us beating ourself up. We can totally skip to empathy so we can show up for our partner. We can totally decide that someone else’s problem is for them to figure out and that we’re here for them, no matter what.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If I could eliminate pornography I would be all on board with that, unfortunately that isn’t in my control, nor do I want it to be. What is in my control is how I’m thinking about it and what that will do for all of the people around me. I want to be able to open up clarity around what is real and what is real is that our children are being exposed to it and our loved ones are using it to avoid what is happening in their life. When we come at pornography from a place of wanting to be able to help our children, to be able to not make it mean anything about us when our spouse is buffering with it, wanting to have open conversation instead of hiding in shame, that’s when we will need to feel self confident, empathetic, compassionate and certain. Our thoughts will need to be thoughts of how you want to help your children or spouse through their life, which allows you to show up with unconditional love, as your best self, and that my friend is a beautiful result.

When looking at one’s own personal experience around pornography and sexual dysfunction, the self coaching model will help you create awareness with what is happening for you so that we can then see how it might be affecting our relationships.

My journey to awareness around pornographic material, my journey of re-writing my story has empowered me in my own relationships and has led me to help empower others in their own journey. Being able to use my story to teach others how to let go of the chains from their past and their own sexuality has been one of the most rewarding parts of what I do.

I have a passion to create awareness and openness around the topic of pornography and it’s affect on people’s most intimate relationships, instead of sweeping it under the rug creating long term dysfunction. Let my passion allow you to finally let go of the story you keep telling the world. Let my passion allow you to tell a new story, a story of who you really are and a story of who you are becoming. Let me help you become the person who is intimately in love with their committed relationship.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

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Relationship Abundance

Creating Abundant Love in Your Relationship

As promised this week I’m talking about the opposite of last week’s deep dive into relationship scarcity, which came out of thinking I was doing around the concept of love never enough-ness (that is a real word, right?) and our most intimate relationships. If you haven’t read that post yet, please go do that before you continue.

This week I’m marrying relationship with the opposite of scarcity – abundance – and taking a deep dive into what that can look like in your life, starting with individual definitions:

Relationship definition: our thoughts about someone.

Abundance definition: overflowing fullness – extremely plentiful or over sufficient quantity or supply.

Before I dig into the topic I’d like to share something I learned while thinking about these two relationship concepts. My mind truly wanted to be confused about relationship scarcity, it felt difficult to conceptualize, describe and explain, it felt very abstract and foreign.

This week when I went on a concept walk to think about relationship abundance and, though the weather was cold and cloudy, I felt bright, warm and full of capacity to understand.

This caught my attention, knowing that most of my life I have lived in relationship scarcity, always searching for love yet never truly feeling it. I thought love to be elusive. I thought it would be easy to explain, but I realized I was an expert from the inside, I lived it.

When we are in the middle of something for so long, it is our truth and we don’t even recognize it for the dysfunction it is. As my eyes were opened to my fixation on love and relationship dependence, I started to put all of the pieces together. The further we step away from our problems, the clearer our perspective is.

Relationship abundance is a new experience for me over the past three years. As I step into this abundance, it’s been all consuming for me because it feels OH SO MUCH BETTER than relationship scarcity! It feels so good that I am always in search of correcting any relationship scarcity thoughts I find myself thinking.

Relationship abundance is about having all of the love you need, always.

You don’t ever fear not getting enough love from anyone, not your spouse, your friends, your mom, your dad, other family members, even your co-workers, regardless of how they treat you.

You always know how to generate the love you need, no matter the circumstance.

You know true love because it flows from within.

It doesn’t matter what other people say or how they act, you always believe in yourself. You know that someone else’s ability to love you, or inability to love you, is about their own ability to love, it has nothing to do with your lovability.

With that said, it doesn’t mean you won’t at times question yourself, or attempt to do things in an effort to get people to love you. The beautiful thing will be that as your love and respect for yourself deepens, the more you’ll recognize protective mechanisms you use to attract, or push away, other people, in the attempt to draw love in from outside of yourself.

Next week I will be digging into how to move from relationship scarcity to abundance, but today let’s look at a few ways to tell if you’re relationally abundant. Tell yourself the truth here because if you really desire happy, robust, bright relationships then lying to yourself will not get you there, it will just keep you in scarcity.

What relationship abundance looks like:

You show up as yourself – always.

You don’t hide because you don’t know how to act so that people will like you. You like you and that’s all that matters.

You don’t embellish the truth when talking to people in an effort to impress. You are 100% honest and proud of who you are.

You admit that you’re 100% human so when you do catch yourself masquerading, you become aware and have a heart to heart with yourself, see what’s going on and correct it.

You meet all sorts of new people.

Introvert or extrovert, it doesn’t matter. I used to use the excuse that I was an introvert, that’s why I didn’t like to meet people, but it was a lie to cover up my insecurity. I didn’t want people to judge me, or I would judge myself ahead of time and live small. Introverts come clean: you just are having thoughts like “This is scary.” “They might think I’m awkward.” “I don’t know what to say.”, these thoughts create a paralyzing fear that keeps you from going up and introducing yourself to people. Try carrying fear along with you and doing it anyway. It’s amazing the fun, interesting people you will meet when you take on courage and don’t be surprised when you notice it actually energizes you as well as begins to get easy. Just make sure you plan time alone to process and let go.

You let people be who they are.

You aren’t trying to control and change people so they conform to what you think you need. You don’t judge them as better or lesser than, just different. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to accept things you don’t like.

If you feel someone needs to be different you can certainly state your mind, always knowing they get to decide how they want to be in life.

You do your work around being responsible for your own feelings.

Ultimately, you get to chose how you want to feel. You do the work around relationships you choose to keep. Maybe it’s a spouse that you’ve grown apart from, or friends, family or co-workers. If you choose to stay in your marriage, which I hope you do, keep your job, see your friends and family then you always do your work around generating love – for you.

You don’t compromise.

You know what you believe and you don’t compromise those beliefs, ever.

Relationship abundance shows up in so many different ways and the more you practice it, the better it feels. It feels better than good, it feels right, like love is created to feel. We humans were designed with love, it’s inside of each of us. Once you actually find it, you’ll never want to let it go. You’ll yearn to do the work that generates the feeling of love from within, over and over, until it becomes who you are. Why? Because the feeling is so much more intense and beautiful than any form of false love generated from outside of you.

Love on sisters and don’t forget to check back next week when I talk about how to move from relationship scarcity to relationship abundance!

Want to know something extra fun? I created a FREE COURSE to go with this topic. This course will help you start creating abundant love in your romantic relationship today, go grab it here!

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I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.