Four Steps to Bring Sexy Back into Your Relationship

Four Steps to Bring Sexy Back to Your Relationship | Relationship Coach

Keeping your marriage thriving will require you to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your relationship. Often the inner workings of what keeps a relationship healthy get set aside once a commitment is established. Unknowingly we prioritize other important aspects of our lives at this point, thinking something like that love song, “love will keep us together.” It often starts with our careers, our children, then we have our hobbies, and outside friendships, church commitments, and then years down the road, we discover our relationship has “lost its sexy.” Today I want to share four actionable steps you can take to bring sexy back into your relationship

I like to compare relationships to a lifelong project that we continually evaluate, decide on purpose what is working, what isn’t working, and what we might do differently to get to our desired end goal. Compare it maybe to launching a business. We wouldn’t get licensed, register with the government, open our checking account, write our mission statement and then go on to other life goals hoping to come back every night with money in our bank account.

Whether you are just starting the journey with your love relationship and still madly in love or feel like your marriage life is more like roommates with benefits. This post will help you be deliberate with what you want to create moving forward. If you’re still madly in love, it will teach you to prioritize your love relationship. If you’re feeling more like roommates with your spouse, it will help you start moving towards where you want to be.

If you’re in the latter scenario, thinking about bringing sexy back into your relationship might sound like some Disney fairy tale that you’ve resolved to believe is pure fantasy. Not knowing how to bring the sexy back is not the problem; the problem is getting over the uncomfortable feelings it might take to do the work of making fantasy your reality. The problem will be getting over your belief that you’re just roommates, that the flame has died, that there isn’t any hope, so settling is good enough.

I believe your sexy is important, and however that looks for you, let’s start the process of bringing it back into your marriage!

First you have to desire to bring intimacy back into your relationship.

Having the desire to bring intimacy back means you care. Having the desire means you’re willing to develop strategies to overcome the obstacles that are in the way of you having the intimate relationship you desire. Let’s look at the definition of intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.

Now that we know what intimacy means, I want you to ask yourself why you want a more intimate relationship? An excellent, compelling reason to do this work is vital to creating your ideal marriage relationship, so get some paper, pen, and start writing.

As you write, notice what your reasons are. Do you want more intimacy in your marriage for reasons that feel good to you, or do you think more intimacy will make your husband love you more? Remember that we cannot control other people and how they feel, so as your write your list, make sure they are all reasons that make you feel good.

Go back and look through your list and cross off any reasons that you can’t control:

  • The ones you can control are the thoughts in your own head, like expressing love in ways that are important to you, making you feel love. A reason could be just because you want to feel love and stop feeling empty.
  • The reasons you can’t control are ones that dictate how he acts or treats you so that you can feel good. You can’t control what he thinks about you taking massive action towards your intimacy goals, and you can’t control what he does, or doesn’t, do.

Second, decide on purpose what you want “sexy” to look like for you.

Be very specific and make sure they are all actions that you create for yourself. This is going to require you to come up with another list.

They might look like:

  • dressing in a way that feels good to you
  • acting in ways that feel like love for you
  • losing that last 10 pounds
  • creating conversations that stimulate interest and deep thinking
  • planning long hand in hand walks through the woods
  • warm and embracing hugs

Third is your action plan for achieving the intimacy you desire.

Now take a look at your lists; what is coming up for you? Maybe it all looks like that Disney movie we discussed earlier, and you feel very uncomfortable even thinking about doing some of the actions on your list. Totally ok. Start with the easy ones like how you take care of yourself, things you can do all by yourself to improve how you feel about yourself. Then move on to the less uncomfortable ones, like sending him a friendly text during the workday or leaving a love note in his lunch bag. Make all of these less uncomfortable ones completely comfortable while working on strategies to start implementing the more uncomfortable actions.

Creating your dream marriage is like any other goal you want to succeed at. You wouldn’t go about losing 50 pounds by writing up a plan, thinking about it but never taking the bold steps of learning how to allow the emotion of wanting to eat food that’s not on your plan. So while you are taking the smaller, easier steps, start thinking about implementing some of the less comfortable steps. As you make the easier steps more consistent, you’ll notice how good they feel; this will make you curious about how the success of the bigger actions will feel (much better, I promise).

Start writing down all of the things that are in the way of you taking the actions you dream of taking. Most obstacles are your feelings of fear and discomfort. Think about what you could do to make the action easier. Let’s look at your desire to hold hands during that walk through the woods. Before you tackle all of your thoughts and emotions around the action of holding hands, you’ll actually have to plan the walk, when will it be, where will you go, what else might you do on that trip? Plan the whole experience, start visualizing it and think about how you want to feel during that special time you’re creating.

The fourth step is to start building your self confidence.

Building self-confidence is one of my favorite things to do. Building self-confidence means practicing things that feel uncomfortable and learning to make the outcome not mean anything about who you are as a human. Self-confidence comes from being able to experience any emotion and come out on the other side stronger.

Here is an exercise for you to try around the hand-holding example that will help you build self-confidence. Maybe you thought something like, “we haven’t done this in years,” which makes you feel awkward. When we’re feeling awkward, we will avoid taking the action of holding hands, getting us the result of not holding our spouse’s hand for even longer.

Now think about the walk while feeling self-confident; what would you do? You would hold his hand, feel the emotion of awkwardness, your hand might sweat a bit while thinking something like, “I want this in my marriage.” Giving you the result of doing what you want to do. This will give you the result of getting your sexy back. The feeling you have after will be one of elation, pure glory, and joy for what you created. One time won’t be enough to make it a habit, but you did it, and you built up some self-confidence. It will encourage you to plan another event where you hold his hand; you will still have to be deliberate until this new hand-holding thing becomes normal, but that’s ok, you did it!

Now apply this technique to something else on your list. The more uncomfortable things you make yourself do, the easier they will become, the more self-confidence you will develop. I have a free worksheet available to help you through this self-confidence exercise; reach out to me if you’re interested in using it; I’d love to share it with you.

Having your solid, compelling reason for wanting your dream love relationship will keep you taking one step forward at a time. Don’t worry about how it looks; look at how it’s making you feel. Keep taking massive action every day to bring your sexy back, keep creating, planning, evaluating, learning, and believing in yourself and your dream. Soon enough, you will be living the life you had only previously been dreaming of.

Looking for more information on relationship intimacy? I wrote a five-part series just for you, starting with What Is Relationship Intimacy?


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!


My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

How To Create Great Connection In Your Marriage

How To Create Great Connection In Your Marriage | Marriage Coach

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! 😃 It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!


My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Dreams To Reality

Somewhere in the timeline of a love relationship, couples go from crazy in love to waking up dissatisfied with the state of their relationship. This might take anywhere from a couple of months to several years, oftentimes not really noticing the deficiency they are feeling until they are past the point of complacency. Not knowing what steps to take to wake it back up, couples often find themselves accepting their relationship as more like a roommate living situation than one of deep love, connection and fun. You might even say that business partners would be an upgrade to how you would describe your current marriage or committed relationship.

If you’ve stopped coming up with ideas to bring flavor into your marriage, then now is the perfect time to start creating ideas and turning those ideas into your relationship reality.

The process starts with at least one of the partners in the relationship having a desire to change their current state of discontent. Until that desire to change becomes bigger than the desire to stay the same, then nothing will change. Knowing that it only takes one in the relationship for this change to occur makes the process even easier to start, your partner doesn’t even need to know that you are discontent in your relationship.

When our pain of staying the same exceeds the pain, or discomfort, of seeking change that’s when we’re ready to take action. In relationships we get comfortable with the way we are doing our life and don’t know how to start creating change, it feels super uncomfortable to start doing things differently. We might start by seeking what we feel we are missing somewhere outside of our relationship. It might be going out with our friends, in an effort to avoid our partner, doing less things alone with our partner, we might look for hobbies or classes to bring in some excitement, even further distancing us from the one we love the most and avoiding finding a solution to the underlying problem. I’m not at all saying that hanging out with friends, or doing things with other couples, or taking enrichment classes is wrong, I’m just saying that when it’s rooted in a desire to avoid active steps to improve your relationship, then you’re going to get more of the same in your relationship.

Relationship healing is similar to any other life goal that you want to plan the success of:

  1. Come up with a vision for your intimate relationship
  2. Create an action plan
  3. Start taking massive action

It truly is that simple, the difficult part is implementing the action steps you want to take. Our brains are resistant to change, it really wants us to keep everything just as it is, even if we’re not happy with status quo.

Change is difficult because it requires us to be vulnerable, it requires us to get uncomfortable. Discomfort makes us want to quit and that’s why treating it like any other goal and finding a hard why, makes quitting an option that isn’t available.

Let’s look at the steps a bit more closely.


Here’s where you get to dream, here’s where you ask yourself what your desired romantic relationship looks like. Start a list that has all the things that are 100% crucial for you and then a list of relationship needs that don’t have to come from your partner. Often times early in our love relationships we are expecting our loved one to provide all of our relationship needs and often they do so, until time passes. When we are doing things for our partner that aren’t a want match for us, then we’ll eventually stop doing them. Let’s say your husband used to go to art shows with you, something you love to do but he’s not into it, now he says he’s not interested. That’s not a want match, you want to go, he doesn’t and how can you be ok with that? How can this be your opportunity to connect with your artsy friends?

Then ask yourself why this dream is important to you, list all of the reasons and really take some time with this step.

Then look at all of the hard things you’ve succeeded with in your life and in your relationships, start building up the awareness of your ability to do hard things.

Create an action plan

This is the part where you will list all of the things that will get in the way of you achieving this dream. Brainstorm all of the obstacles and the strategies for overcoming those obstacles. Let me give you some ideas:

  • Overcoming old beliefs you have about your relationship
  • Increasing self confidence
  • Creating a love relationship with yourself
  • Re-writing your past life story, including but not limited to your story about this relationship you are unhappy in
  • Learning new ways to have an unconditional love relationship
  • Learning how to manage your time so you can plan your success

Taking massive action

Massive action is continuing to take action even when it’s uncomfortable, when you want to give up, when it’s hard. Taking action is easy when your actions bring you “success” but when your actions “fail”, this is when things will become difficult, this is when we want to find something easier to do. When we’re afraid to take action because of how it might feel, that’s where a solid hard why is so integrally important. Re-visiting our vision, our hard why, on a daily basis and remembering why we’re here doing this work. When things get difficult our old beliefs with sneak in to tell you that the old existence was just fine, falling back into complacency, this is when our vision can easily get muddy.

Taking massive action to create our future dreams takes grit, perseverance and a solid why to not give up when our actions seem to fail. Taking massive action when our brain is telling us that we should just forget about it, that we should just sit on the opposite end of the couch and read our book instead of asking for a cuddle, is when we will start seeing the results of our work. You will start to see the fruits of your labor and that is what will encourage you to keep going.

My clients know that their desired result is so important to them that they are willing to believe something new. They’re not willing to leave their relationship, yet they’re tired of it staying the same. They know their results will far outweigh their discomfort and they are ready to invest in the magic that happens when they re-ignite their love.


My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Embracing What Is

Right now many of us would agree that we are living in uncertain times and are not ready to embrace what is.

Somewhere in our future the COVID-19 will be in our past. The medical practitioners will have found a vaccine, schools will have learned how to use technology to up level their ability to teach, parents will become more adept at accomplishing more while working at home, businesses will learn how to run on a slimmer in-person system, allowing more people to work from home and less fuel emissions.

Some of us will look back knowing we created some amazing memories along with learning some valuable lessons. Some of us will look back at how awful these times were. I have made it my duty to make sure there are as many of you experiencing the former vs the later.

When we ask ourselves how this can be for us we come up with so many beautiful opportunities of growth yet our brains choose to focus on how this is going to to be the end of us. That truly is what our brain is supposed to do, warn of us danger and protect us so knowing how to manage our mind becomes even more important during these times.

When it comes to embracing what is I want to give you four suggestions starting with learning how to make strong decisions.

The truth is that right now, we don’t know what the truth is and we humans are looking outside of ourselves for answers how to act. We’re struggling with how to make decisions because there are so many different opinions flying all over the place. Our brain wants to collect all of the data so it can make the right decision, that’s where the problem begins. There is never a “right’ decision, someone will always have a opinion different from ours, that’s why I encourage you to decide and move on to the next thing on your list of things to decide on. It’s possible to literally buffer all day long looking at everyone’s opinion, I suggest you don’t do it! Decide on a few reliable sources that you will gather your information from and start formulating your own plan for how you want to navigate, for how you want to show up. Then be all in on your decision, don’t let yourself be “pressured” and people pleased into what measures, or lack of measures, others are taking. Continue to collect information as it becomes available and then adjust your decision accordingly, making no apologies for being all in on you.

My second suggestion for embracing what is, and honestly my top suggestion, is to keep up with your planning routine.

I teach my clients how to plan their week every Monday and then do a following day review in the evening to check and make sure everything is still good or make any adjustments if changes have occurred. Planning allows you to use your pre-frontal cortex to decide ahead of time what you want your day to look like, this might include a few hours of flex time if you have littles at home, like many do during this time. With a plan in place you can decide in the beginning of the day what you want your result to be for the day, what you need to believe to achieve that result and how you’re going to need to feel in order to make that result come true. Without a plan it will be easy to spend most of your day in overwhelm while buffering on news, eating, escaping and end your day thinking you’ve achieved nothing.

Thirdly let’s talk about gratitude.

Focusing on what we are grateful for during this time and what great things are going to come out of it seems difficult. The only reason it seems difficult though is that it’s not what our brains are naturally wired to look for. We’re wired to look for what’s wrong, what the problems are with this scenario and that’s completely perfect except in this day and age it doesn’t serve us. Looking at what is positive about our situation allows our brain to problem solve, expand and learn. How will you problem solve, grow and learn new things during this time?

Lastly, ask yourself what you would love to do during this time.

This is an opportune time to learn how to manage our minds and build relationships at home as well as outside of the home. When it comes to learning the tools of managing your mind I have a whole lot of resources to get you started, including all of my posts here, my YouTube channel as well as all of my social media content on Facebook and Instagram.

Building relationships is what I help my clients navigate. I help them do the fulfilling work of learning how to bring love back into their life. Right now couples who are struggling in their relationship are most concerned about what is going to happen now that they’ll be spending so much time together. That this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back so to speak, yet this can actually be a time of growth and new found love if we go into the situation with open minds. Minds open to taking this gift of time together to work through what isn’t working, together talking about topics you don’t make time to talk about. If you would like any help with this please reach out, I have a whole program full of worksheets you can have fun working through together enabling quality, open and vulnerable conversations, who knows what bliss they might lead to!

How do you build relationships outside of the home? I have already found that using my virtual coaching platform as a tool to hold all of my other meetings to come in quite remarkably handy. People who have felt uncomfortable walking into a live community event have been able to open the door to possibility by anonymously attending virtually. We get to meet, they get to know myself and the other people in the virtual room which introduces them to amazing people they wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for this forced social distancing. Organize your own virtual get together today and see what joy you bring not only to your heart, but to the hearts of others!

I just want to encourage all of you to be curious about what is happening right now, observe when your brain judges other people’s decisions or your own decisions. I want to encourage you to stay away from thinking you’re doing it wrong and ask yourself how you can use this as an opportunity to deepen our love for ourselves and others.

Pause and ask yourself how are we always living in “uncertain” times and how is this time no different from any other? Remind yourself that we have overcome great things in our lives and one day we will look back at how we overcame COVID-19. Remind yourself that thinking this is going to be the death of us will create us dying to ourselves, dying to what we could create, dying to our next best version. Truly, where you place your attention is where your energy will go. Do you want to give this virus your energy or do you want to think that this could be fun? No, I’m not saying dying is fun, I’m saying that putting our energy there will kill our collective light.


My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!


Today I want to lightly dig into the the topic of pornography when it comes to the effect that it has possibly had in your life and your relationships.

As a life coach, my aim is to help my clients look at current belief systems around the things in their lives that are causing problems for them. Beliefs that are keeping them stuck and unable to move forward. We look at beliefs that aren’t serving them in their life and do the work of wiggling those beliefs into something that can start moving them towards the results they desire, results they haven’t been able to move close to. In order to do that I will often challenge beliefs that keep us in our past life and we work on moving forward into the person we want to be in our intimate relationships.

That’s what I’m going to talk about here with the topic of pornography.

For me, I have spent most of my life holding on tightly to a belief about early exposure to pornography. A belief that has kept me stuck in so many ways, but most evidently in my relationships. Nothing seemed to help me get out of the past, out of the resentment, out of the anger, blame and disgust. Life coaching is what enabled me to start the process of letting go of the story I was holding so tightly to, the story that was only destroying me, the story I made a part of my identity. My coach enabled me to let of my story and start creating my own beautiful story around me, my relationships and my sexuality.

A big part of that beautiful story is that my experience allows me to help other women. I am able to understand how much pain other women are around their past life stories and able to help them out of that place, into a life of relational and sexual freedom. I want you to know that I am not by any means a sex expert, I am only using my story to help others with their journey and struggles so they can start healing and create a loving relationship that they have been keeping themselves from having.

Let’s start with what pornography is: sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.

Basically, pornography is a form of buffering or escapism, similar to alcohol or drug use or overeating, over Netflixing. Buffering is when we are putting something between ourselves and something we don’t want to experience. It starts with seeking some sort of pleasure to escape from a negative emotion, an emotion the person doesn’t want, or know how, to process, immediate gratification sounds like a much better idea in the moment.

Pornography allows a person to escape that negative thing going on in their life. It’s cheap, it’s readily assessable and highly gratifying. As human beings we are genetically wired to be sexual, it’s in our DNA, it guarantees procreation and, let’s be honest, sexual gratification feels good. When we have an orgasm our brain creates a huge dopamine deposit into the blood stream telling us that what we just did was amazing and that we should do it again, and again. When used the way God designed it to be used it’s amazing, when we abuse it, well, that’s when things happen that don’t make us feel so good. That dopamine hit is highly addictive and when we don’t know how to deal with the root problem that is driving us to other sources for sexual gratification, we will seek more and more of our buffer of choice.

Pornography use and exposure becomes hurtful to us, and our future or current, partners for many reasons, with these being a few:

  • Distorted expectations of what sex looks like in real life
  • A higher sexual gratification threshold
  • Distorted expectations of what the human body should look like in order to be appealing to the opposite sex
  • Distorted ideas of how to get attention from the opposite sex and what their values might be
  • It distorts our own perceived value
  • It distorts ones view of a healthy sex life creating future relational disconnect

Let’s start by looking at pornographic exposure for young minds who are developing their ideas about relationships, themselves and their worthiness. Early exposure without education can be an influence of how to get attention from the opposite sex, it can drive early experimentation, it can create unrealistic expectations of how to behave and possibly turn into a learned tool to attract or get validation from the opposite sex. Pornographic exposure is more real today than ever which means that our children need help maneuvering through the experience they will come across, expect it sooner than later. We can help them by talking openly to our children, helping them to understand why it is unrealistic and damaging. We can help them by keeping lines of communication open instead of closing them down by shaming, guilting or scaring them. Teaching our next generation about the gift of sexual desire and what healthy relationships look like opens up the secrecy and makes it less interesting to developing minds.

Next let’s look at when we have people in our lives who are having a pornography buffering compulsion. Our typical reaction to loved ones in our lives who are dealing with a sexual compulsion is to shame and guilt them, avoid them, blow up, constantly checking up on them, sneaking into their computers or phones, withdraw intimacy, blame them for the problems in their relationship and, of course, to think that we’re not enough, that we’re the reason they are using porn. The truth is that pornography is actually neutral, it is real in our world, it is factual, by itself it’s nothing. We are the ones who put meaning to pornographic use or exposure, that meaning will create an feeling that will dictate how we act and the results we will get in our relationships with ourselves. When we think thoughts like “they spend more time watching porn than paying attention to me”, producing the emotion of resentment, we’re showing up in ways we aren’t really proud of in an effort to try and control them. The end result is us spending lots of time complaining about how someone else isn’t treating us right which gives us the result of us mistreating ourselves.

We could totally skip the part that creates us beating ourself up. We can totally skip to empathy so we can show up for our partner. We can totally decide that someone else’s problem is for them to figure out and that we’re here for them, no matter what.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If I could eliminate pornography I would be all on board with that, unfortunately that isn’t in my control, nor do I want it to be. What is in my control is how I’m thinking about it and what that will do for all of the people around me. I want to be able to open up clarity around what is real and what is real is that our children are being exposed to it and our loved ones are using it to avoid what is happening in their life. When we come at pornography from a place of wanting to be able to help our children, to be able to not make it mean anything about us when our spouse is buffering with it, wanting to have open conversation instead of hiding in shame, that’s when we will need to feel self confident, empathetic, compassionate and certain. Our thoughts will need to be thoughts of how you want to help your children or spouse through their life, which allows you to show up with unconditional love, as your best self, and that my friend is a beautiful result.

When looking at one’s own personal experience around pornography and sexual dysfunction, the self coaching model will help you create awareness with what is happening for you so that we can then see how it might be affecting our relationships.

My journey to awareness around pornographic material, my journey of re-writing my story has empowered me in my own relationships and has led me to help empower others in their own journey. Being able to use my story to teach others how to let go of the chains from their past and their own sexuality has been one of the most rewarding parts of what I do.

I have a passion to create awareness and openness around the topic of pornography and it’s affect on people’s most intimate relationships, instead of sweeping it under the rug creating long term dysfunction. Let my passion allow you to finally let go of the story you keep telling the world. Let my passion allow you to tell a new story, a story of who you really are and a story of who you are becoming. Let me help you become the person who is intimately in love with their committed relationship.


My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!