Results Driven

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Humans, in general, are results-driven, whether we even know it or not, we are always creating some sort of result. I have always been result-driven, I went to college thinking I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer, figuring out the solution to problems on paper seemed very logical and came fairly easily for me. Wonderfully, it still serves me today because I like thinking about my desired result and work backward from there. So the day I found the self-coaching thought model, I was a bit in problem-solving heaven. The truth is that in my life, I haven’t always believed creating the results I wanted to be as possible as figuring out the result of an organic chemistry problem. That is until I found the self-coaching thought model.

This week we’re on week six of my seven-part series, where we are breaking down the very first, and most important tool I teach my clients, the self-coaching thought model. If you are just joining me this week, I invite you to go back to the first post in the series, my brain flossing post, and get yourself caught up before you join in here.

What is a result?

A result, according to Google, is a consequence, effect, or outcome of something. When we look at the self-coaching model, the result is the end of the model; it’s what we come up with when we see all of the actions we take. Your emotion fuels those actions we are feeling. The emotion we are feeling comes from the thought we are thinking about the circumstance in our life. Pure math. Sort of.

The result line in the self-coaching model is our result only, the result we are creating for ourselves. It will never include someone else’s result or what someone else is doing.

Past results

So now that we know where our results come from we can look at every result we have gotten in our past and see that we ourselves created that result. It wasn’t because of something that someone else did, we created it with our thinking. Stay with me, keep following along and this will start to make sense.

Let’s look at an example of a circumstance of a past ended relationship. Remember, we are always looking at ourselves; what actions did you take to create the result of leaving a relationship? What feeling drove those actions? What thought were you thinking about that specific relationship that made you feel that way? Obviously, there are many, many, many circumstances, or facts surrounding a broken relationship but we only need to look at one at a time to find that we created that result for ourselves.

Current results

The same goes for where we are right now in our life. Let’s use the example of being in a relationship with someone you have chosen. Maybe you think your result is that you are unfulfilled in that relationship, what actions are you taking to create you being in that relationship? What emotion is driving those actions? What are you thinking that creates the feeling you feel when you think about being in a relationship with that person?

Future results

Now let’s look at the circumstance of being in that same relationship that we talked about in the current results above. Let’s say you want the result of being fulfilled in your relationship. Now you can ask yourself how you’ll need to act, feel, and think about that very same relationship. We will need to change our current thinking so that we can get to this new result. We will have to think like our future self, the person who has already reached the result of being in a fulfilling relationship. I know, a bit mind bendy but 100% possible.

Our thinking creates our results and this is why I encourage my clients to think big, not limiting themselves, to write down all of their dreams. I help them not to fail ahead of time by telling themselves that their goals are only fantasy.

Action steps

This week I want you to start looking at your past, present and future results. Start writing them down, start a list for all three, and keep adding to them daily as you think of more results you’ve achieved or want to achieve. Write down the positive along with the ones you chose to think of as negative. Your brain will gravitate to the ones you consider negative so make sure you balance it out with those you believe to be positive, Then I want you to consider how you think about the ones you consider to be negative. What if you thought differently about them? What if they actually weren’t negative but exactly what you needed to help you move forward into something different?

Truly getting the results we want in our love relationships and our lives are just math. Over the past six weeks, I have broken down each part of the thought model equation. The thought model is the answer to every problem in our life; everything fits into the model, so now we can start playing around and creating results we want. Now that we can see our current results and how we achieved them, next week, I’m going to help you put it all together. You’ll learn how to use the equation to begin creating the love relationship of your dreams.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Actions Speak Loudly

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Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

How To Start Feeling

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If you’re anything like me, you have done a good job of teaching yourself how to repress your emotions. Happiness, joy, anger, love, powerlessness, excitement, sadness, successful, disappointment, discouragement, I taught myself to dull it all. I had a belief that it protected me from getting hurt. I believed strong people didn’t show their emotions. Funny thing is that one of the best things I learned how to do years ago after hiring my first coach was to question all of my beliefs. Believing the way I had been only kept me from living out loud the way I love to live. It never kept me from getting hurt, I just unknowingly hurt myself ahead of time.

Now, as a coach myself, I have learned that I wasn’t alone with my old beliefs about feeling emotions. Many of my clients struggle with even knowing what emotions are, much less describing them, naming them, and allowing themselves to explore them.

Today I’m going to teach you about what feelings are, why they are so important, and how to start recognizing and feeling your emotions so you too can start living out loud. This is my fourth article in a seven-part series where I teach the five components of the most important tool I teach my clients, the tool that teaches them how to self-coach.

What are emotions?

My dictionary defines it as a conscious mental reaction (such as anger, fear, joy) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

That starts to get a bit complicated and you can go on to get more complicated if you chose but I like to simplify as much as I can. My basic definition of emotion, which I will also interchange equally with the word feeling, is simply a vibration in your body. All emotions are triggered by your thinking.

Simply put, we have a thought about something in our life; that thought creates an emotion or a vibration in our body. That emotion drives the actions that we take. It’s that simple. That fact is why I talked in detail about thoughts and positive versus negative thoughts; because they create how we feel. Our circumstances do not create how we feel. Our husbands coming home 20 minutes after they said they’d be home doesn’t create how we feel. Him sitting on the couch watching sports after dinner doesn’t create how you feel. It’s what we think about those two things that determine how we feel.

Note that this is very different from a physical sensation that is felt in your body when you are cold, hot, when you stub your toe, or are REALLY hungry.

Why feeling and recognizing our emotions is so important.

These vibrations in our body are signals that tell us what to do, they drive the actions we take. Years ago those vibrations kept us alive in so many ways, like when a tiger was in the area. Feeling joy would have had us as dinner, fear produced chemicals that got our brain problem solving and running as fast as we could to avoid imminent death. Desire kept us alive by producing chemicals that allowed us to procreate, keeping our species alive.

When we are tuned into how we are feeling, we can better understand the actions that we are taking. If we’re fascinated by the fire enough to touch the flame and burn ourselves, we learn to respect the fire for what it can do and use it to our advantage, not to our destruction. We can also start becoming curious about what we are feeling and begin to ask why we are feeling the way we are. Understanding our current emotions helps us to start problem-solving, it helps us to decide how we might change to feel differently. When we are able to problem-solve and find solutions we advance ourselves, we evolve and become stronger versions of who we are.

When we recognize how we are feeling, we start to find clarity around the actions we are taking. If we like how we are showing up and know what emotion drives that, we can begin to develop a thought system that re-creates that positive action-driving emotion. Similarly, if we don’t like the actions we are taking, we can look at what emotion is driving those negative actions and start becoming aware of the negative thoughts creating that feeling. For example, let’s say you have a fantastic weekend with your lover, maybe you even had a pretty good week prior, enjoying time together along with great conversations and you also left him a love note. You could look at what emotions you were feeling on those days and what thoughts drove those emotions. Alternately, when you have a day where you are feeling disconnected, withdrawn, and your hugs are just habitual movements, you can look objectively at why this is happening. Ultimately it is because of an emotion you are feeling generated by a thought you are thinking.

How to start recognizing and feeling your emotions

The first thing you want to do is pause and tune into what is happening in your body. This is where most people stop. They don’t see the importance of pausing and tuning into their body. They think they’re losing time, it’s nonsense, it’s all woo-woo. Those thoughts alone are creating an emotion that is driving the action of not learning how to take care of themselves. The action of not learning how to step into their next best version. The action of not believing in themselves.

Once you prioritize the minute to pause you will start describing what is happening in your body. Here are some simple questions to ask yourself:

  • Where is the feeling centered in your body?
  • Does the feeling radiate inward or outward?
  • Does it feel hot, cold, warm, cool, neutral
  • If it had a color what would it be?
  • Is it bright or dark?
  • Is it prickly, smooth, hard, soft, squishy?
  • Does it make your heart race or does it slow you down?
  • What is this feeling making you want to do?
  • Why are you feeling this emotion?

Then define the emotion. Naming the feeling can be as simple as good or bad to start, but as you do this practice, start exploring more specific emotions, use this chart to help you out. I suggest you do this exercise three times a day; it only takes a minute. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner time or set the alarm on your phone and do it every six hours. If you are feeling something that seems to be stopping you from moving forward, like rage or excitement, please pause, run through the questions and start getting familiar with them. I created a worksheet to help you with this process, download it to help you with this process.

Of all the parts of the self-coaching model, this step will be the most productive on its own. Once you are able to get really good at identifying how you are feeling in any situation, you can start digging into the other elements in this series so you can start putting the individual pieces together to solve any problem you are experiencing in your life. Because you feel emotions physically, you can tune into them and ask yourself what they are telling you.

If you’d like help learning more about your thoughts and what they are creating for you, please read this post and download the free Relationship Abundance mini-course I included in that article. The course will help you start changing your autopilot thoughts and empower you to think thoughts that propel you into the future relationship of your dreams!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Your Love List

Three weeks ago I started a seven-part conversation about a process I teach my clients that helps them look at their thinking, it’s called the thought download. When we’re able to see our thoughts on paper it helps us to understand why we’re feeling the way we do. Last week I discussed the difference between the facts and the drama in that thought download. After learning how to separate out the facts from our drama we are left with all of our thoughts and that’s what we’ll be digging into today. Read through to the end of this post to find a free course I offer to help you with this exact process.

So why are these thoughts so important? The thoughts we think will always determine the results we are getting in our life, good enough reason? All of the results we have gotten in our life have come from our thinking, you can even look back and prove this to be true. Think back to times in your life when you were thinking things were just not going your way, then ask yourself what your thoughts primarily consisted of during that time. Were they mostly positive? Probably not. Then go back to times when you were on top of the world, do you remember much negative thinking?

This week I want to help you start using those thoughts you see in your thought download to help you start feeling better, starting with some awareness. I often share that the beginning of change is awareness. This awareness actually makes your brain consciously pause and recognize, or attempt to recognize, what you habitually do. Before you create awareness you are just going along, doing your thing, maybe even recognizing the fact that you don’t like what you’re doing, but doing it anyway. Today we’re going to work on short-circuiting what you are doing on autopilot.

Let’s dig into those thoughts on that paper.

Facts versus thoughts

Last week I talked about fact versus drama but today let’s do an overview. Often times we think that our thoughts are true, I see it happen all of the time with myself and with my clients. We might truly believe that our husbands are “hard”, “unloving”, “passionless”, so much so that we’ll search for evidence that proves our story. Then someone tells us about how sweet and kind our spouses are and we are all over arguing their perspective. The truth is, all of your descriptors are exactly that, your description of how you are seeing your spouse. I’ll even bet that there was a time in your relationship where you thought he was a shining knight, a passionate lover, a kind and caring man. Trust me, my friend, he hasn’t changed, it’s just your current thoughts about him and someone else thoughts about him.

Unless everyone in the world can agree on the sentence or it can be proven in a court of law, it’s just a thought. Take out the drama, the emotion, the description and you’ll have some facts. See last week’s thoughts for some examples.

Positive thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel good. The thought will generate a positive emotion.

  • He takes care of me.
  • He makes me laugh.
  • He chose me.

Negative thoughts

When you say or think these sentences they will make you feel bad. The thoughts generate a negative emotion.

  • He never kisses me when he comes home.
  • He never comes up with ideas of things to do.
  • I’m not having fun in my marriage.

Net positive or negative thoughts

Now you can look at that thought download you did and sort it out:

  • Put an “X” through any facts. There probably won’t be many, that’s why it’s called a “thought” download.
  • Circle your negative thoughts.
  • Put a line through your positive thoughts.
  • For every positive thought you drew a line through, also draw a line through one of your negative thoughts.

What you have remaining, the sentences that are not crossed out, are your “net” thoughts. Do you have negative or positive thoughts left? Remember, there are no right answers here. Most often at the beginning of doing thought downloads, you will have more negative than positive thoughts, though it can change from day to day. When we are feeling like our marriage is broken and unfixable we are often in a cycle of thinking negative thoughts. So much so that we rarely have positive thoughts about our spouse or our marriage to each other, we’re constantly seeing everything that is “wrong”.

The following exercise will help you short circuit this habitual thinking pattern you have created and help you change, getting you a new perspective.

Creating your new love list

This exercise starts teaching your brain to start looking for something different than what you’ve taught it to search for. You will start by deliberately finding positive thoughts about your partner and your relationship. If you’ve been in the habit of seeing all of the negative it will take some work to find even one positive thing to think about your spouse, this is where you learn to ask positive questions. If you start asking yourself positive questions your brain will start going on a different search. You have been sending it on a search for what is wrong with your husband and your relationship, now you are sending it on a search for what is right about all of it. To begin, you will find it difficult to find something positive but keep asking, your brain will find them. Notice the resistance you have to the positive thoughts that it comes up with, your brain will want to tell you these new thoughts are not true. It’s ok, challenge yourself to believe them anyway.

Once you start finding some positive thoughts I’d like you to start creating your new love list:

  • Start writing them down in one place, start a list.
  • Start reading them throughout the day, adding a new one when your brain offers one to you.
  • Continue asking positive questions about your partner and your relationship.
  • Say them out loud so you can hear them, especially right when you wake up and before going to bed.
  • Use an affirmation app like ThinkUp to help you with this new process.

Start noticing your thinking in action.

Now you can start experimenting with noticing when your brain is thinking a negative thought in action. When you notice this thought pause, ask yourself what love would say, and come up with something positive to think. Maybe you even check that list and insert one of your new love list thoughts.

Becoming aware of your thinking allows you to overcome any of the problems in this life and in your marriage. Once we discover the truth behind the fact that the only problems we will ever have in this life are with our thinking, then all the problems become solvable.

If you stick to this practice and make it something you do daily, I promise your current thinking patterns will change. Soon you will not even notice those things you are noticing right now as negative because you have taught your brain to search for the positive. You have taught your brain to search for love because love is what feels best. I have created a free mini-course called Relationship Abundance which is based on everything I shared today and I am sharing it with you today. It will help you go from thinking negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage to seeing how to change that thinking. Even better? It will help you with anything you are struggling with right now, like maybe that job? Your mom? That co-worker? Yep, it will help with all of the relationships, even your relationship with money!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. It’s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. I’ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Love Without Conditions

The dictionary definition of unconditional love is affection without any limitation or love without conditions.

This concept is something many of us struggle with. We think love is something we do for someone else. We think what someone does for us is love. Most of us have it wrong, we’ve been taught wrong. When we’re able to go from conceptual understanding to implementation of love without any limitations you’ll begin to understand the beauty of unconditional love.

Love by far, is the emotion that feels best, better than any other emotion. Think of memories that you have that feel amazing, past events that you LOVE visiting, those memories feel best because we’re remembering the emotion of love. We are feeling it again, in the present, by thinking of something, or someone, in our past and those thoughts are re-generating the feeling of love for us.

In our marriage, all we really want to feel is love.

I remember when the concept of love always being available in my marriage actually clicked for me. My coach had offered it up to me and that day I actually felt it could be true. This was definitely not the first time the concept had been presented to me, it was simply the first time I actually felt a flicker of possibility, of truth in that belief.

This was a magnificent moment for me. So beautiful that I wanted it more. Wanting it more allowed me to be more curious about when the feeling of love disappeared. It allowed me to more clearly see why I was allowing it to leave and to play with the idea of also being able to feel love in the same moment.

Before the concept of love without conditions became a reality for me in my marriage I had spent months doing working on the concept. I had some deeply seated beliefs that other people’s actions, inactions or words dictated whether I could feel love or not. To be able to shift from constantly being at the effect of other people to actually implementing personal control over how I felt was the shift that changed my life, forever. A shift I’ll never forget because the feeling of love is like an explosion of bright, open yumminess like no other!

Let’s take a look at some truths about unconditional love:

Unconditional love starts with you. The first person you need to learn how to love without conditions is yourself. When we are searching for our husbands to validate us in order to feel loved, we will never be able to freely give enduring, overflowing, unconditional love. Our ability to fully love someone else, without conditions, requires that we first understand that love. That understanding comes when we are able to express it for and within ourselves.

Loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to accept how they treat, or have treated you, as being ok. You can love someone, even possibly sympathize with what may be happening, or has happened for them to take actions that hurt, but still choose to believe what they did was wrong. You still might choose to put boundaries on the relationship to protect yourself. Never seeing them, or talking to them, might be a choice you make while still loving them.

Choosing not to love someone ahead of time in order to keep yourself from getting hurt in the future, only hurts you ahead of time. Allow yourself to love fully, in the present moment, so that you can feel love now. If hurt or pain is to come in the future then feel it when it comes, there is no need to ruin your present to protect yourself from a possible bad outcome. I love thinking about training the brain to think about your future self as always winning. This allows us to live for a positive outcome now, to feel the emotion of creating that outcome. When the true outcome arrives, that’s when we can experience whatever emotion it brings to us.

Choosing love when it seems difficult or vulnerable, will allow you to take actions that will move you forward. Choosing love will keep you taking action from your higher self and keep you from taking action from an emotion that creates a result you may regret.

If you’re not feeling love then ask yourself why. Be honest. Don’t blame someone else for you not feeling love. Your feelings come from your thinking about what someone is doing. Own your feelings and then ask yourself if you like the reasons for your feeling.

Here is a fun and interesting exercise for you to try.

  • Ask yourself why you are choosing not to love.
  • Ask why you are choosing not to feel love.
  • List all of the conditions you are putting on loving and feeling love.
  • List the things you want them to do so you can feel love.
  • Ask yourself if you can do these things for yourself.
  • Now, close your eyes and imagine what it would be like to just feel love, all of the time, regardless of their actions. What would that feel like? Really sit in love and describe that love, embody that love.

This is true, real magic. From a place of love, you will show up differently and still be able to make choices that keep you in integrity with yourself and who you want to be. You’ll be able to follow through with what you will and won’t accept. Learning how to embrace the concept of love without conditions so you can start feeling love in your most intimate relationship is what we do in AwakenYou, my one on one coaching program. Taking this work deeper is exactly what we do so that you can start looking forward to going home to your husband with pure excitement and unconditional love! Want to try some work on your own? GREAT idea! I have the perfect free mini course for you, click here to get started now!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

How Long To Heal

So many people ask me how long it will take to heal their marriage and my quick answer is tough for most to swallow.

When we’re thinking that our marriage is broken, that it needs to heal, it’s really just our thoughts about our marriage, not the facts. We might have all sorts of, what I call evidence, to prove that it’s broken, but it all just comes down to how you’re thinking about it.

With that said, it could literally take a moment to decide, and believe, that your marriage is healed. This literally could be the end of this post, yet it is a bit more complicated than that, so let’s take a look.

Once you’ve decided that your marriage isn’t what you want it to be you may be thinking that it’s broken, unfixable, boring, disconnected or any combination of these and more. You have evidence like:

  • He never tells me he loves me
  • We never have meaningful conversations
  • We’re not having sex
  • He spends his free time with his friends instead of me

Yet these are strictly thoughts you are having, none of these are factual, even the one about sex. “We’re not having sex” is just a thought, even if you got factual, like it’s been 75 days since you had sex, how does that equate to a broken marriage?

Trust me, I completely understand and I’m here to listen to your story, but in the end, the truth is that you could be thinking something completely different and doing something completely different about the facts in your marriage. You could choose to believe that your relationship is exactly the way it ought to be, because it is.

Let me guess that you might even have days when you think something different, days when you think there’s hope. Days when you think:

  • He does a great job taking care of our family
  • That was a good night
  • He loves me in his own silly way
  • He choses me over someone else

With all of that said, the process of changing belief systems and habits takes time and persistence. Let’s compare it to a weight loss goal. Let’s say you’re on a food restriction diet to get to a goal weight. You achieve the goal weight but return back to old thought patterning around food so you gain your weight back. The goal of getting to your natural bodyweight, forever, will take more time that you think. You will be changing years of eating, body and food thought patterning. The process includes learning how to love yourself, envisioning your future self, learning why you eat foods you don’t want to eat at times you told yourself you wouldn’t eat them. Your mind will actually learn how to get there before your body.

It’s the same with relationship goals. You can start today thinking it’s fixed and choosing to believe in love. That might stick for a moment but you still have your old brain, your old beliefs that are going to tell you that you’re a fool for thinking that it’s fixed. You will have to do daily work to step towards the permanent changes you desire. These are all steps of changing you by changing your mind.

You will work on:

  • Changing belief patterning
  • Feeling and owning your feelings
  • Re-learning how to love your partner, exactly the way they are, unconditionally
  • Building self confidence
  • Learning how to create the connection you want
  • Letting go of your past
  • Creating a strong commitment to getting what you want

All of this work takes time. Time that is so worth the effort put in. As you do this work you will notice the evidence you once used against your marriage is now being used for growth and change in your marriage relationship.

I have a question for you: If you knew your future held the marriage of your dreams to the man you are now married to, would the work be worth it? My guess is your answer would be yes. My answer was yes and it has been some of the best work I have ever done in my life.

If your answer is yes, then does it matter how long it takes to get the result you want? You could believe every day you are one day closer to the marriage of your dreams. You could believe that every day is a new, exciting version of your best life together. What if you believed that once you reach that dream that you could keep doing this work and continue on into even more intimate bliss?

Would it matter if it took 1 day, 1 year, 5 years or 10? Is there a time limit to creating the love life of your dreams with your husband? You could make it mean it’s too much work or you could make it mean that it will be so very worth it. You get to decide what’s harder: slow, steady improvement, feeling better, becoming resilient, persevering or giving up, feeling awful and never feeling the love you want to feel.

The process of truly believing takes time, we want evidence that it’s working yet we are the ones who determine whether our “evidence” is for us or against us. Healing is a process of believing you’re healed and the process of truly believing, down to your core, takes time. Our minds want evidence that what we’re doing is working, but we get to decide what the evidence means.

We can make it mean that every day our love relationship is beautiful and moving forward, the good with the bad. We can also make it mean that it’s headed for disaster and will never be what we dreamt it to be.

The choice is 100% yours. I believe in you and your marriage but mostly I believe in you. You are the one who has complete control over how you feel in your love relationship, I want you to feel this magic and that’s why I love helping women “heal” their marriages.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join myΒ mailing listΒ where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Bring Sexy Back

Keeping your marriage thriving will require you to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your relationship. Often times the inner workings of what keeps a relationship healthy get set aside once a commitment is established. Unknowingly we prioritize other important aspects of our lives at this point, thinking something like that love song, “love will keep us together”. It often starts with our careers, our children, then we have our hobbies and outside friendships, church commitments and then years down the road we discover our relationship has “lost its sexy”.

I like to compare relationships to a life long project that we continually evaluate, decide on purpose what is working, what isn’t working and what we might do differently to get to our desired end goal. Compare it maybe to launching a business. We wouldn’t get licensed, register with the government, open our checking account, write our mission statement and then go on to other life goals hoping to come back every night with money in our bank account.

Whether you are just starting the journey with your love relationship and still madly in love, or you’re feeling like your marriage life is more like roommates with benefits. This post will help you be deliberate with what you want to create moving forward. If you’re still madly in love, it will teach you to prioritize your love relationship. If you’re feeling more like roommates with your spouse it will help you start moving towards where you want to be.

If you’re in the later scenario, thinking about bringing sexy back into your relationship might sound like some Disney fairy tale that you’ve resolved to believe is pure fantasy. Not knowing how to bring the sexy back is not the problem, the problem is getting over the uncomfortable feelings it might take to do the work of making fantasy your reality. The problem will be getting over your belief that you’re just roommates, that the flame has died, that there isn’t any hope so settling is good enough.

I believe your sexy is important, and however that looks for you, let’s start the process of bringing it back into your marriage!

First you have to desire to bring intimacy back into your relationship.

Having the desire to bring intimacy back means you care. Having the desire means you’re willing to come up with strategies to overcome the obstacles that are in the way of you having the intimate relationship you desire. Let’s look the definition of intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.

So now that we know what intimacy means, I want you to ask yourself why you want a more intimate relationship? An excellent compelling reason to do this work is vital to creating your ideal marriage relationship, so get some paper, pen and start writing.

As you write, notice what your reasons are. Are you wanting more intimacy in your marriage for reasons that feel good to you or do you think more intimacy will make your husband love you more? Remember that we cannot control other people and how they feel, so as your write your list make sure they are all reasons that make you feel good.

Go back and look through your list and cross off any reasons that you can’t control:

  • The ones you can control are the thoughts in your own head like being able to express love in ways that are important to you, make you feel love. A reason could be just because you want to feel love and stop feeling empty.
  • The reasons you can’t control are ones that dictate how he acts or treats you so that you can feel good. You can’t control what he thinks about you taking massive action towards your intimacy goals and you can’t control what he does, or doesn’t, do.

Second, decide on purpose what you want “sexy” to look like for you.

Be very specific and make sure they are all actions that you create for yourself. This is going to require you to come up with another list.

They might look like:

  • dressing in a way that feels good to you
  • acting in ways that feel like love for you
  • losing that last 10 pounds
  • creating conversations that stimulate interest and deep thinking
  • planning long hand in hand walks through the woods
  • warm and embracing hugs

Third is your action plan for achieving the intimacy you desire.

Now take a look at your lists, what is coming up for you? Maybe it all looks like that Disney movie we discussed earlier and you feel very uncomfortable even thinking about doing some of the actions on your list. Totally ok. Start with the easy ones like how you take care of yourself, things you can do all by yourself to improve how you feel about yourself. Then move on to the less uncomfortable ones like sending him a friendly text during the work day or leaving a love note in his lunch bag. Make all of these less uncomfortable ones completely comfortable while you work on strategies to start implementing the more uncomfortable actions.

Creating your dream marriage is like any other goal you want to succeed at. You wouldn’t go about losing 50 pounds by writing up a plan, thinking about it but never taking the bold steps of learning how to allow the emotion of wanting to eat food that’s not on your plan. So while you are taking the smaller, easier steps, start thinking about how you might implement some of the less comfortable steps. As you make the easier steps more consistent, you’ll notice how good they feel, this will make you curious about how the success of the bigger actions will feel (much better I promise).

Start writing down all of the things that are in the way of you taking the actions you dream of taking. Most of obstacles are your feelings of fear and discomfort. Think about what you could do to make the action easier. Let’s look at your desire to hold hands during that walk through the woods. Before you tackle all of your thoughts and emotions around the action of holding hands, you’ll have to actually plan the walk, when will it be, where will you go, what else might you do on that trip? Plan the whole experience, start visualizing it and think about how you want to feel during that special time you’re creating.

The fourth step is to start building your self confidence.

Building self confidence is one of my favorite things to do. Building self confidence means practicing things that feel uncomfortable and learning to make the outcome not mean anything about who you are as a human. Self confidence comes from being able to experience any emotion and come out on the other side stronger.

Here is an exercise for you to try around the hand holding example that will help you build self confidence. Maybe you have a thought something like “we haven’t done this in years”, which makes you feel awkward. When we’re feeling awkward we will avoid taking the action of holding hands, getting us the result of not holding your spouses hand for even longer.

Now think about the walk while feeling self confident, what would you do? You would hold his hand, feel the emotion of awkward, your hand might sweat a bit while thinking something like “I want this in my marriage.” Giving you the result of doing what you want to do. This will give you the result of getting your sexy back. The feeling you have after will be one of elation, pure glory and joy for what you created. One time won’t be enough to make it a habit but you did it and you built up some self confidence. It will encourage you to plan another event where you hold his hand, you will still have to be deliberate until this new hand holding thing becomes normal, but that’s ok, you did it!

Now apply this technique to something else on your list. The more uncomfortable things you make yourself do the easier they will become, the more self confidence you will develop. I have a free worksheet available to help you through this self confidence exercise, reach out to me if you’re interested in using it, I’d love to share it with you.

Having your solid compelling reason of wanting your dream love relationship will keep you taking one step forward at a time. Don’t worry about how it looks, look at how it’s making you feel. Keep taking massive action every single day towards bringing your sexy back, keep creating, planning, evaluating, learning and believing in yourself and your dream. Soon enough, you will be living the life you had only previously been dreaming of.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Great Connection

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! πŸ˜ƒ It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

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