Relationship Dreams To Reality

Somewhere in the timeline of a love relationship, couples go from crazy in love to waking up dissatisfied with the state of their relationship. This might take anywhere from a couple of months to several years, oftentimes not really noticing the deficiency they are feeling until they are past the point of complacency. Not knowing what steps to take to wake it back up, couples often find themselves accepting their relationship as more like a roommate living situation than one of deep love, connection and fun. You might even say that business partners would be an upgrade to how you would describe your current marriage or committed relationship.

If you’ve stopped coming up with ideas to bring flavor into your marriage, then now is the perfect time to start creating ideas and turning those ideas into your relationship reality.

The process starts with at least one of the partners in the relationship having a desire to change their current state of discontent. Until that desire to change becomes bigger than the desire to stay the same, then nothing will change. Knowing that it only takes one in the relationship for this change to occur makes the process even easier to start, your partner doesn’t even need to know that you are discontent in your relationship.

When our pain of staying the same exceeds the pain, or discomfort, of seeking change that’s when we’re ready to take action. In relationships we get comfortable with the way we are doing our life and don’t know how to start creating change, it feels super uncomfortable to start doing things differently. We might start by seeking what we feel we are missing somewhere outside of our relationship. It might be going out with our friends, in an effort to avoid our partner, doing less things alone with our partner, we might look for hobbies or classes to bring in some excitement, even further distancing us from the one we love the most and avoiding finding a solution to the underlying problem. I’m not at all saying that hanging out with friends, or doing things with other couples, or taking enrichment classes is wrong, I’m just saying that when it’s rooted in a desire to avoid active steps to improve your relationship, then you’re going to get more of the same in your relationship.

Relationship healing is similar to any other life goal that you want to plan the success of:

  1. Come up with a vision for your intimate relationship
  2. Create an action plan
  3. Start taking massive action

It truly is that simple, the difficult part is implementing the action steps you want to take. Our brains are resistant to change, it really wants us to keep everything just as it is, even if we’re not happy with status quo.

Change is difficult because it requires us to be vulnerable, it requires us to get uncomfortable. Discomfort makes us want to quit and that’s why treating it like any other goal and finding a hard why, makes quitting an option that isn’t available.

Let’s look at the steps a bit more closely.

Vision

Here’s where you get to dream, here’s where you ask yourself what your desired romantic relationship looks like. Start a list that has all the things that are 100% crucial for you and then a list of relationship needs that don’t have to come from your partner. Often times early in our love relationships we are expecting our loved one to provide all of our relationship needs and often they do so, until time passes. When we are doing things for our partner that aren’t a want match for us, then we’ll eventually stop doing them. Let’s say your husband used to go to art shows with you, something you love to do but he’s not into it, now he says he’s not interested. That’s not a want match, you want to go, he doesn’t and how can you be ok with that? How can this be your opportunity to connect with your artsy friends?

Then ask yourself why this dream is important to you, list all of the reasons and really take some time with this step.

Then look at all of the hard things you’ve succeeded with in your life and in your relationships, start building up the awareness of your ability to do hard things.

Create an action plan

This is the part where you will list all of the things that will get in the way of you achieving this dream. Brainstorm all of the obstacles and the strategies for overcoming those obstacles. Let me give you some ideas:

  • Overcoming old beliefs you have about your relationship
  • Increasing self confidence
  • Creating a love relationship with yourself
  • Re-writing your past life story, including but not limited to your story about this relationship you are unhappy in
  • Learning new ways to have an unconditional love relationship
  • Learning how to manage your time so you can plan your success

Taking massive action

Massive action is continuing to take action even when it’s uncomfortable, when you want to give up, when it’s hard. Taking action is easy when your actions bring you “success” but when your actions “fail”, this is when things will become difficult, this is when we want to find something easier to do. When we’re afraid to take action because of how it might feel, that’s where a solid hard why is so integrally important. Re-visiting our vision, our hard why, on a daily basis and remembering why we’re here doing this work. When things get difficult our old beliefs with sneak in to tell you that the old existence was just fine, falling back into complacency, this is when our vision can easily get muddy.

Taking massive action to create our future dreams takes grit, perseverance and a solid why to not give up when our actions seem to fail. Taking massive action when our brain is telling us that we should just forget about it, that we should just sit on the opposite end of the couch and read our book instead of asking for a cuddle, is when we will start seeing the results of our work. You will start to see the fruits of your labor and that is what will encourage you to keep going.

My clients know that their desired result is so important to them that they are willing to believe something new. They’re not willing to leave their relationship, yet they’re tired of it staying the same. They know their results will far outweigh their discomfort and they are ready to invest in the magic that happens when they re-ignite their love.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Embracing What Is

Right now many of us would agree that we are living in uncertain times and are not ready to embrace what is.

Somewhere in our future the COVID-19 will be in our past. The medical practitioners will have found a vaccine, schools will have learned how to use technology to up level their ability to teach, parents will become more adept at accomplishing more while working at home, businesses will learn how to run on a slimmer in-person system, allowing more people to work from home and less fuel emissions.

Some of us will look back knowing we created some amazing memories along with learning some valuable lessons. Some of us will look back at how awful these times were. I have made it my duty to make sure there are as many of you experiencing the former vs the later.

When we ask ourselves how this can be for us we come up with so many beautiful opportunities of growth yet our brains choose to focus on how this is going to to be the end of us. That truly is what our brain is supposed to do, warn of us danger and protect us so knowing how to manage our mind becomes even more important during these times.

When it comes to embracing what is I want to give you four suggestions starting with learning how to make strong decisions.

The truth is that right now, we don’t know what the truth is and we humans are looking outside of ourselves for answers how to act. We’re struggling with how to make decisions because there are so many different opinions flying all over the place. Our brain wants to collect all of the data so it can make the right decision, that’s where the problem begins. There is never a “right’ decision, someone will always have a opinion different from ours, that’s why I encourage you to decide and move on to the next thing on your list of things to decide on. It’s possible to literally buffer all day long looking at everyone’s opinion, I suggest you don’t do it! Decide on a few reliable sources that you will gather your information from and start formulating your own plan for how you want to navigate, for how you want to show up. Then be all in on your decision, don’t let yourself be “pressured” and people pleased into what measures, or lack of measures, others are taking. Continue to collect information as it becomes available and then adjust your decision accordingly, making no apologies for being all in on you.

My second suggestion for embracing what is, and honestly my top suggestion, is to keep up with your planning routine.

I teach my clients how to plan their week every Monday and then do a following day review in the evening to check and make sure everything is still good or make any adjustments if changes have occurred. Planning allows you to use your pre-frontal cortex to decide ahead of time what you want your day to look like, this might include a few hours of flex time if you have littles at home, like many do during this time. With a plan in place you can decide in the beginning of the day what you want your result to be for the day, what you need to believe to achieve that result and how you’re going to need to feel in order to make that result come true. Without a plan it will be easy to spend most of your day in overwhelm while buffering on news, eating, escaping and end your day thinking you’ve achieved nothing.

Thirdly let’s talk about gratitude.

Focusing on what we are grateful for during this time and what great things are going to come out of it seems difficult. The only reason it seems difficult though is that it’s not what our brains are naturally wired to look for. We’re wired to look for what’s wrong, what the problems are with this scenario and that’s completely perfect except in this day and age it doesn’t serve us. Looking at what is positive about our situation allows our brain to problem solve, expand and learn. How will you problem solve, grow and learn new things during this time?

Lastly, ask yourself what you would love to do during this time.

This is an opportune time to learn how to manage our minds and build relationships at home as well as outside of the home. When it comes to learning the tools of managing your mind I have a whole lot of resources to get you started, including all of my posts here, my YouTube channel as well as all of my social media content on Facebook and Instagram.

Building relationships is what I help my clients navigate. I help them do the fulfilling work of learning how to bring love back into their life. Right now couples who are struggling in their relationship are most concerned about what is going to happen now that they’ll be spending so much time together. That this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back so to speak, yet this can actually be a time of growth and new found love if we go into the situation with open minds. Minds open to taking this gift of time together to work through what isn’t working, together talking about topics you don’t make time to talk about. If you would like any help with this please reach out, I have a whole program full of worksheets you can have fun working through together enabling quality, open and vulnerable conversations, who knows what bliss they might lead to!

How do you build relationships outside of the home? I have already found that using my virtual coaching platform as a tool to hold all of my other meetings to come in quite remarkably handy. People who have felt uncomfortable walking into a live community event have been able to open the door to possibility by anonymously attending virtually. We get to meet, they get to know myself and the other people in the virtual room which introduces them to amazing people they wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for this forced social distancing. Organize your own virtual get together today and see what joy you bring not only to your heart, but to the hearts of others!

I just want to encourage all of you to be curious about what is happening right now, observe when your brain judges other people’s decisions or your own decisions. I want to encourage you to stay away from thinking you’re doing it wrong and ask yourself how you can use this as an opportunity to deepen our love for ourselves and others.

Pause and ask yourself how are we always living in “uncertain” times and how is this time no different from any other? Remind yourself that we have overcome great things in our lives and one day we will look back at how we overcame COVID-19. Remind yourself that thinking this is going to be the death of us will create us dying to ourselves, dying to what we could create, dying to our next best version. Truly, where you place your attention is where your energy will go. Do you want to give this virus your energy or do you want to think that this could be fun? No, I’m not saying dying is fun, I’m saying that putting our energy there will kill our collective light.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Pornography

Today I want to lightly dig into the the topic of pornography when it comes to the effect that it has possibly had in your life and your relationships.

As a life coach, my aim is to help my clients look at current belief systems around the things in their lives that are causing problems for them. Beliefs that are keeping them stuck and unable to move forward. We look at beliefs that aren’t serving them in their life and do the work of wiggling those beliefs into something that can start moving them towards the results they desire, results they haven’t been able to move close to. In order to do that I will often challenge beliefs that keep us in our past life and we work on moving forward into the person we want to be in our intimate relationships.

That’s what I’m going to talk about here with the topic of pornography.

For me, I have spent most of my life holding on tightly to a belief about early exposure to pornography. A belief that has kept me stuck in so many ways, but most evidently in my relationships. Nothing seemed to help me get out of the past, out of the resentment, out of the anger, blame and disgust. Life coaching is what enabled me to start the process of letting go of the story I was holding so tightly to, the story that was only destroying me, the story I made a part of my identity. My coach enabled me to let of my story and start creating my own beautiful story around me, my relationships and my sexuality.

A big part of that beautiful story is that my experience allows me to help other women. I am able to understand how much pain other women are around their past life stories and able to help them out of that place, into a life of relational and sexual freedom. I want you to know that I am not by any means a sex expert, I am only using my story to help others with their journey and struggles so they can start healing and create a loving relationship that they have been keeping themselves from having.

Let’s start with what pornography is: sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.

Basically, pornography is a form of buffering or escapism, similar to alcohol or drug use or overeating, over Netflixing. Buffering is when we are putting something between ourselves and something we don’t want to experience. It starts with seeking some sort of pleasure to escape from a negative emotion, an emotion the person doesn’t want, or know how, to process, immediate gratification sounds like a much better idea in the moment.

Pornography allows a person to escape that negative thing going on in their life. It’s cheap, it’s readily assessable and highly gratifying. As human beings we are genetically wired to be sexual, it’s in our DNA, it guarantees procreation and, let’s be honest, sexual gratification feels good. When we have an orgasm our brain creates a huge dopamine deposit into the blood stream telling us that what we just did was amazing and that we should do it again, and again. When used the way God designed it to be used it’s amazing, when we abuse it, well, that’s when things happen that don’t make us feel so good. That dopamine hit is highly addictive and when we don’t know how to deal with the root problem that is driving us to other sources for sexual gratification, we will seek more and more of our buffer of choice.

Pornography use and exposure becomes hurtful to us, and our future or current, partners for many reasons, with these being a few:

  • Distorted expectations of what sex looks like in real life
  • A higher sexual gratification threshold
  • Distorted expectations of what the human body should look like in order to be appealing to the opposite sex
  • Distorted ideas of how to get attention from the opposite sex and what their values might be
  • It distorts our own perceived value
  • It distorts ones view of a healthy sex life creating future relational disconnect

Let’s start by looking at pornographic exposure for young minds who are developing their ideas about relationships, themselves and their worthiness. Early exposure without education can be an influence of how to get attention from the opposite sex, it can drive early experimentation, it can create unrealistic expectations of how to behave and possibly turn into a learned tool to attract or get validation from the opposite sex. Pornographic exposure is more real today than ever which means that our children need help maneuvering through the experience they will come across, expect it sooner than later. We can help them by talking openly to our children, helping them to understand why it is unrealistic and damaging. We can help them by keeping lines of communication open instead of closing them down by shaming, guilting or scaring them. Teaching our next generation about the gift of sexual desire and what healthy relationships look like opens up the secrecy and makes it less interesting to developing minds.

Next let’s look at when we have people in our lives who are having a pornography buffering compulsion. Our typical reaction to loved ones in our lives who are dealing with a sexual compulsion is to shame and guilt them, avoid them, blow up, constantly checking up on them, sneaking into their computers or phones, withdraw intimacy, blame them for the problems in their relationship and, of course, to think that we’re not enough, that we’re the reason they are using porn. The truth is that pornography is actually neutral, it is real in our world, it is factual, by itself it’s nothing. We are the ones who put meaning to pornographic use or exposure, that meaning will create an feeling that will dictate how we act and the results we will get in our relationships with ourselves. When we think thoughts like “they spend more time watching porn than paying attention to me”, producing the emotion of resentment, we’re showing up in ways we aren’t really proud of in an effort to try and control them. The end result is us spending lots of time complaining about how someone else isn’t treating us right which gives us the result of us mistreating ourselves.

We could totally skip the part that creates us beating ourself up. We can totally skip to empathy so we can show up for our partner. We can totally decide that someone else’s problem is for them to figure out and that we’re here for them, no matter what.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If I could eliminate pornography I would be all on board with that, unfortunately that isn’t in my control, nor do I want it to be. What is in my control is how I’m thinking about it and what that will do for all of the people around me. I want to be able to open up clarity around what is real and what is real is that our children are being exposed to it and our loved ones are using it to avoid what is happening in their life. When we come at pornography from a place of wanting to be able to help our children, to be able to not make it mean anything about us when our spouse is buffering with it, wanting to have open conversation instead of hiding in shame, that’s when we will need to feel self confident, empathetic, compassionate and certain. Our thoughts will need to be thoughts of how you want to help your children or spouse through their life, which allows you to show up with unconditional love, as your best self, and that my friend is a beautiful result.

When looking at one’s own personal experience around pornography and sexual dysfunction, the self coaching model will help you create awareness with what is happening for you so that we can then see how it might be affecting our relationships.

My journey to awareness around pornographic material, my journey of re-writing my story has empowered me in my own relationships and has led me to help empower others in their own journey. Being able to use my story to teach others how to let go of the chains from their past and their own sexuality has been one of the most rewarding parts of what I do.

I have a passion to create awareness and openness around the topic of pornography and it’s affect on people’s most intimate relationships, instead of sweeping it under the rug creating long term dysfunction. Let my passion allow you to finally let go of the story you keep telling the world. Let my passion allow you to tell a new story, a story of who you really are and a story of who you are becoming. Let me help you become the person who is intimately in love with their committed relationship.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Abundance

As promised this week I’m talking about the opposite of last week’s deep dive into relationship scarcity, which came out of thinking I was doing around the concept of love never enough-ness (that is a real word, right?) and our most intimate relationships. If you haven’t read that post yet, please go do that before you continue.

This week I’m marrying relationship with the opposite of scarcity – abundance – and taking a deep dive into what that can look like in your life, starting with individual definitions:

Relationship: our thoughts about someone.

Abundance: overflowing fullness – extremely plentiful or over sufficient quantity or supply.

Before I dig into the topic I’d like to share something I learned while thinking about these two relationship concepts. My mind truly wanted to be confused about relationship scarcity, it felt difficult to conceptualize, describe and explain, it felt very abstract and foreign.

This week when I went on a concept walk to think about relationship abundance and, though the weather was cold and cloudy, I felt bright, warm and full of capacity to understand.

This caught my attention, knowing that most of my life I have lived in relationship scarcity, always searching for love yet never truly feeling it. I thought love to be elusive. I thought it would be easy to explain, but I realized I was an expert from the inside, I lived it.

When we are in the middle of something for so long, it is our truth and we don’t even recognize it for the dysfunction it is. As my eyes were opened to my fixation on love and relationship dependence, I started to put all of the pieces together. The further we step away from our problems, the clearer our perspective is.

Relationship abundance is a new experience for me over the past three years. As I step into this abundance, it’s been all consuming for me because it feels OH SO MUCH BETTER than relationship scarcity! It feels so good that I am always in search of correcting any relationship scarcity thoughts I find myself thinking.

Relationship abundance is about having all of the love you need, always. You don’t ever fear not getting enough love from anyone, not your spouse, your friends, your mom, your dad, other family members, even your co-workers, regardless of how they treat you.

You always know how to generate the love you need, no matter the circumstance.

You know true love because it flows from within.

It doesn’t matter what other people say or how they act, you always believe in yourself. You know that someone else’s ability to love you, or inability to love you, is about their own ability to love, it has nothing to do with your lovability.

With that said, it doesn’t mean you won’t at times question yourself, or attempt to do things in an effort to get people to love you. The beautiful thing will be that as your love and respect for yourself deepens, the more you’ll recognize protective mechanisms you use to attract, or push away, other people, in the attempt to draw love in from outside of yourself.

Next week I will be digging into how to move from relationship scarcity to abundance, but today let’s look at a few ways to tell if you’re relationally abundant. Tell yourself the truth here because if you really desire happy, robust, bright relationships then lying to yourself will not get you there, it will just keep you in scarcity.

What relationship abundance looks like:

You show up as yourself – always.

You don’t hide because you don’t know how to act so that people will like you. You like you and that’s all that matters.

You don’t embellish the truth when talking to people in an effort to impress. You are 100% honest and proud of who you are.

You admit that you’re 100% human so when you do catch yourself masquerading, you become aware and have a heart to heart with yourself, see what’s going on and correct it.

You meet all sorts of new people.

Introvert or extrovert, it doesn’t matter. I used to use the excuse that I was an introvert, that’s why I didn’t like to meet people, but it was a lie to cover up my insecurity. I didn’t want people to judge me, or I would judge myself ahead of time and live small. Introverts come clean: you just are having thoughts like “This is scary.” “They might think I’m awkward.” “I don’t know what to say.”, these thoughts create a paralyzing fear that keeps you from going up and introducing yourself to people. Try carrying fear along with you and doing it anyway. It’s amazing the fun, interesting people you will meet when you take on courage and don’t be surprised when you notice it actually energizes you as well as begins to get easy. Just make sure you plan time alone to process and let go.

You let people be who they are.

You aren’t trying to control and change people so they conform to what you think you need. You don’t judge them as better or lesser than, just different. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to accept things you don’t like.

If you feel someone needs to be different you can certainly state your mind, always knowing they get to decide how they want to be in life.

You do your work around being responsible for your own feelings.

Ultimately, you get to chose how you want to feel. You do the work around relationships you choose to keep. Maybe it’s a spouse that you’ve grown apart from, or friends, family or co-workers. If you choose to stay in your marriage, which I hope you do, keep your job, see your friends and family then you always do your work around generating love – for you.

You don’t compromise.

You know what you believe and you don’t compromise those beliefs, ever.

Relationship abundance shows up in so many different ways and the more you practice it, the better it feels. It feels better than good, it feels right, like love is created to feel. We humans were designed with love, it’s inside of each of us. Once you actually find it, you’ll never want to let it go. You’ll yearn to do the work that generates the feeling of love from within, over and over, until it becomes who you are. Why? Because the feeling is so much more intense and beautiful than any form of false love generated from outside of you.

Love on sisters and don’t forget to check back next week when I talk about how to move from relationship scarcity to relationship abundance!

_______________________________________

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, fun and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!