Relationship Buffering

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

This week I want you to look at all of your past love relationships to see if you can find a common thread. Is your common thread that they start out high energy, highly pleasurable, high doses and quantities of dopamine shots? Many relationships start out this way, similar to the effects we get from food, alcohol, drugs, spending money; you get a relationship love hit and it feels so good you keep going back for more. Eventually, your relationship can’t sustain that type of energy and when those dopamine hits start to fade away it’s like an addict who can’t get their fix, they start looking for something new to create that same feeling.

Maybe you’ve been in and out of so many relationships you’ve decided to settle, but your brain still wants that rush of pleasure so you start looking for the fix elsewhere. You start avoiding the relationship that you want more from, the one you’re unwilling to give in. Working on love feels uncomfortable and awkward while your partner seems unwilling to do any work to make it better so, why bother?

Upon reflection, many of my clients also see this pattern in other areas of their life besides in their love life. They find themselves seeking the high of feeling better through other external actions like eating, binging, over-drinking, spending money on temporary feel-goods, pornography, other relationships, exercise, body improvements, anything that makes them feel better temporarily while avoiding the root of their problem. Chasing but never finding lasting fulfillment.

Today we’re going to take a look inside the life of one of my clients, for the sake of anonymity I’ll name her Michelle.

Michelle grew up with what she called a tattered relationship with both of her parents. Michelle was full of resentment stemming primarily from the thought that she didn’t receive the love and nurturing she needed, especially as a child.

Michelle constantly sought love outside of herself, including getting involved in relationships where she did things that were not her typical modes of operation, actions against her integrity, in an effort to fit in and please. In an effort to feel the love in reciprocation of her acts.

When Michelle looked back over her life, in particular at her love relationships, she discovered that she was always seeking some sort of high out of her relationships, she was addicted to the feeling she got at the onset. Michelle thought this was what love was. Eventually, the relationship would fall into a pattern of her not feeling the love; she’d get bored and blame it on her partner.

Michelle’s typical response would be to end the relationship so that her partner couldn’t hurt her by leaving her and move on, looking for someone else, someone more exciting. Michelle also noticed several other similar behaviors that created responses she could control – drug use, overeating, binging with over-exercising mixed in, over-drinking, spending money on things that provided a temporary good feeling.

Michelle decided she was tired of where her life was going. She felt stuck in a cycle, knowing that there had to be something better than what she was experiencing. Stuck in her current relationship, she decided to do something different. She decided to start figuring out the root of her problem and see if she could resurrect her love relationship with the person she was with.

To begin Michelle started working on herself, this included work around healing her past and reconciling what was happening in her addictive behavior characteristics. She wanted to figure out how to feel good on her own, end her self destructive behavior, stop escaping and start feeling it all instead of resisting.

She told her current partner that she was beginning a journey of self-discovery, of sorting out issues that she had been long repressing and pretending weren’t a big deal. She told him that she loved him and was committed to their relationship but wanted some time to create a relationship she had been neglecting her whole life – the one with herself.

As Michelle did this work she began seeing her life through new lenses. She started creating relationships out of existing relationships that she now fully enjoys just as they are. Re-writing her past into a beautiful story of strength and power has helped her more clearly see her life purpose. She sees that the joy she had been seeking outside of herself was always there for her to access, planted inside of her and now she is on the journey of nurturing it into life. Through all of this work Michelle has been doing, her relationship with her partner is blooming again, daily doing the work of creating a love relationship where love sticks around.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Minding Your Own Business

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

I have found myself getting in the most trouble relationally when I’m in other people’s business, and it happens way more often than I care to admit. My mind loves to make up stories about what they are doing and why they are doing it, which often turns me into one defensive bugger, capiche? If you do, then welcome because that’s what I’m digging into today.

If you have ever made up stories about what our partner is doing, why they are doing it, and how they should be doing it differently instead of minding our own business, then read on my lovely! Today I share why we do this, how it is limiting us, as well as our relationship, and how we can start letting go of being in everyone else’s business.

How we get into other people’s business.

I’m going to get started by sharing some examples as well as what you might be making their words or actions mean. These may, or may not, be examples out of my own self-coaching journals 😉.

  1. You are quietly doing your morning self-coaching, and hubby comes up and asks if you’d like to eat breakfast outside.
  2. You’re preoccupied with things that went on during your workday, and your partner says, “You seem a bit bugged.”
  3. He’s sitting on the couch watching his favorite sports team when there is obviously work to be done.
  4. She pours herself a drink before your quiet time together.
  5. Your co-worker asked you to call a customer back to answer their questions.
  6. Your bestie didn’t send you happy birthday wishes on your birthday.
  7. Your neighbor didn’t wave at you as you drove by and waved at them.

Believe it or not, these are all neutral circumstances that could be happening in your life or mine; what we commonly do is attach meaning to these neutral circumstances. As an exercise, I’d love for you to come up with some of your neutral circumstances that happened in your day today or yesterday.

What are you making their words or actions mean?

I have been asked this question so many times by coaches that I now understand what to look for when asked. The first few times I was asked this question I was a bit confused as are my clients when I first ask it of them. The question seems a bit tricky, like “What do you mean what am I making it mean?” All this question is asking is that you uncover the story you are making up in your mind about the circumstances. Let’s look at some possibilities around the above examples.

  1. You make it mean that he is suggesting you stop doing what you are doing and get making breakfast. Rude.
  2. You make it mean that he thinks you’re mad at him for something. He’s so selfish!
  3. You make it mean that he isn’t interested in helping out with household chores.
  4. You make it mean that she needs alcohol to be able to enjoy time with you.
  5. You make it mean that this task is below her, that your time isn’t valuable.
  6. You make it mean that they aren’t a very good friend.
  7. You make it mean that they don’t like you.

Granted, you might not believe that you are making up a story, you may 100% believe that your story is true but how then is that story you’re telling serving you? How is that story making you feel? How is your story making you show up? My guess; probably not the way you want to show up as a partner, a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor. What are you thinking?

Why?

Next, I want you to ask yourself this question; I want you to ask yourself this: why are you choosing the story you are telling yourself? This is another question that results in funny facial expressions, you know the one, the “What are you talking about?” look. It’s ok; I remember that look, the one that says, “Come on, you know why I’m thinking that!” Often, we have ideas of how other people should show up in our lives; we have manuals for them. We want them to do things the way we think they should so that we can feel better. If they did something different, what we wanted and expected them to do, it would give us validation. There we are again, wanting someone else to validate us.

Here’s the complex observation I have made in my own life though, when they show up differently, I often STILL think they should be doing it differently! So confusing, do you agree? So what can we do to feel better?

Mind your own business.

Capiche? Keep your thoughts focused on you because we have no idea what is going on in the other person’s model. We have no idea why they are doing what they are doing; in fact, we could come up with some reason that are opposite of what we are making it mean!

Spending our time and energy trying to change other people so we can feel better is something we spend way too much time on. Time we could be spending enjoying our self-coaching, grateful our partners care about how we’re doing and relaxing after work. We could make pouring a drink mean a desire to drink. We could make our coworker’s request mean that we’re really good at customer service. We could make it mean that our bestie just forgot and be the one to reach out to share your love. We could make our neighbors’ actions mean nothing about us and everything about what is going on for them in their life.

Minding our own business and sorting out what is going on inside of us is some of the best work we will ever do, it allows us to show up as our authentic selves while allowing others to do the same. Minding our own business will enable us to be who we are while letting others be who they are and loving them for all of it. I’d love for you to get curious about how you might be meddling in other people’s business by asking yourself these questions, letting go of what you’re making things mean and working on just being the person you want to be. I’d love to hear your thoughts as you implement this work and as always, let me know what you’re struggling with!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Old Story, New Lessons

I have a morning routine that includes reading the Bible, meditating upon what God is teaching me through those words and how I can implement the lessons into my day.

I’ll be completely honest in saying that some of those days I find it difficult to find the message, kinda like I grasping for straws. As a side note, I decided to research the googles to figure out what the phrase “grasping for straws” truly means. I found it interesting and applicable in that it’s similar to a drowning person grasping at the weeds to try and save oneself.

The longer I practice, the longer I yearn to learn without any expectation, the more I hear the teaching within the words.

Surprise. When you remove the noise, that’s when you suddenly hear the teaching.

That’s what happened today.

Luke 15:11-31, which is the story of the lost son, commonly know as the prodigal son.

There are three characters in the story and since I’m not a biblical scholar I’d like to stick to how the story can parallel some of our own lives today.

First there is the younger son, the lost son, who asks for his inheritance early, took his money to look for something better. Truly seeking pleasure at his own expense without looking into the future at how his current choices might affect his future results. In the story we’re not surprised in how he loses all of his money through pleasurable experiences and ends up destitute, starving, working in the fields feeding the pigs. Finding himself in a place of desperation, he swallows his pride, admits his powerlessness, returns to his father to repent and ask to work as one of his father’s hired hands.

Then there is the father, full of love, giving his son the free will to do as he pleases. He doesn’t attempt to control him and isn’t angry or disappointed in him when he returns. He throws a party in celebration of his son’s return.

Lastly, we have the eldest son who stays home, works the farm by choice, possibly in hopes of being the “better” son in the eyes of his father. The eldest son is looking for validation for his hard work and diligence, so much so that when his brother returns he refuses to join the celebration. Jealous and acting like an emotional child, he’s not all in on his choice and blames his father for not treating him with the love he is treating the “lost” son with.

Maybe you know someone who could fit into one of these three roles.

Maybe you see yourself in one of these three characters.

Maybe, like myself, you see a little of yourself in each of them.

My attention was mostly drawn to the older son.

He had a manual for how his father should be respondin so that he could be happy. He wanted his father to act differently towards the younger child, as well as himself, so that he could feel better.

He was judging his brother for his choices in an effort to make himself feel better.

He was being an emotional child by not taking responsibility for how he felt, blaming both father and brother.

Basically, he wasn’t managing his mind.

Managing your mind doesn’t mean we have to be happy all of the time.

It means recognizing what is causing us to feel the way we do.

It’s recognizing that we always have a choice as to how we feel, without having to change what is happening outside of us.

After finishing my Awaken You program the older brother would have recognized the cause of his anger, see the results that anger produces and from that place; determine if he wanted to go to the party or not.

He could be all in on his choice from a place of love for himself, and everyone else, not from a place of blame and resentment.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Operating Manuals We Have For People & Why They Don’t Work

When I first heard of the concept of an operating manual for people in our lives my eyes became focused on a key problem I had going on in my life.

I had these manuals for so many people in my life.

I had all of these expectations of how people should show up, how they should act in order to make me happy.

When they didn’t act the way I expected them to then I would get angry, frustrated, annoyed, sad.

I was putting the power of how I felt in the hands of other people.

This is when I started working on changing.

I decided to work on not judging others for what they do and I decided that when I wanted someone to do something for me I would do it for them.

I didn’t want to share my  manuals with other people, I wanted to throw them all away.

I want people to be themselves, whatever that looks like for them, and for me to not have an attachment to that.

I’ll admit that this is a journey and a process that I have not yet perfected and probably never will 100%.

If you have people in your life that aren’t doing the things you want them to do then I would ask you to consider asking yourself why you want them to do the things. If it’s to create happiness for yourself then take action and do the thing for yourself, make yourself happy.

We can ask people to do things for us in our lives but having an attachment to if they do it, how they do it or even when they do it is just manipulation.

I would guess that you don’t like being manipulated, so the sooner that you can end doing it to others the sooner you will start creating your own happiness.

I’d love to talk more about manuals and how they might be interfering with your own happiness.

I’d love to help you take your power back by showing you how to throw those manuals you have away.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Three Ways To Bring Romance Back Into Your Relationship

There was a time when you were truly in love with your spouse, like you wanted to spend every moment with them, they were the center of your life.

Now of course you love them, but really, you can’t stand them. If they would just do all of the things you needed them to do, say all of the things you want them to say, then life would be happily ever after.

Often times in the beginning of relationships we do all of the things that will make the other person show us love in return. We aren’t our true selves, we’re looking for love from outside of ourselves.

If this is the case we typically haven’t learned how to generate love for ourselves. As the relationship starts getting comfortable, or as the old saying goes, once the honeymoon is over, we get tired of the work that goes into trying to get someone to make us feel good.

We start to resent the fact that they aren’t just doing the same things they did, to make us feel good, even though we’re not doing the same things we used to do to generate the reactions that they gave us the feeling of love.

This is the beginning of the breakdown.

We don’t really pay too much attention in the beginning of the breakdown but as time goes on we start to wonder if there is any hope.

I have some amazing news my loves, there most definitely is.

I know this because this was me in my marriage.

Even better news is that you don’t even need your partner to be a part of your game to re-create a hot, steamy, romantic, loving, fun relationship.

All it takes is you.

Ready? Let’s start this!

Make a list of all of the things you want your love to do and then, do it for them.

I know, this most likely isn’t the first thing you wanted to hear but honestly, why do you want them to do the thing? Because YOU want it done? To make YOU happy? Then I suggest you do something amazing for yourself and do that thing for yourself OR just choose to let that thing not be done.

When we put our happiness in the hands of others we are bound to be let down, over and over again.

My guess is you have an operating manual for your spouse. A manual that lists all of the things you want them to do to make you happy. It’s even possible that if you typed the manual out and gave it to them and they actually followed it, that you still wouldn’t be happy.

The best thing I have done is put my happiness in my own hands, not in the hands of someone else.

You know what’s perfect about this? I know exactly what I want and I can either take care of it myself or politely ask my spouse to do it for me but if he doesn’t I have to take my power back and make sure I take care of myself.

I hear your argument. I know them all because they were mine. What I learned is that I was never fully happy putting my happiness in the hands of someone else.

Neither will you.

Challenge yourself to do something uncomfortable.

Step number one might be that one thing. Maybe it is putting that laundry basket away even though it had your husband’s clothing in it. When you take the focus off of why he’s not doing it and focus on the fact that it’s you that will feel amazing when it’s put away, you take back your control.

I’m thinking something even more uncomfortable but the above could be a start. I’m thinking more along the lines of hmmmm….when’s the last time you gave your spouse a long hug and told them how much you appreciate everything they do (not for you) and really say it from the heart?

Feel uncomfortable? Why? What is it you fear?

I challenge you to actually take a moment to stop and answer those two questions. Then ask yourself what it would feel like to do the same thing from a place of self confidence in your ability to do something for yourself. From a place of doing it because it would feel good for YOU.

Write down 10 things you love about your spouse.

Put them on a note in your phone and every morning open that note and read it out loud to yourself.

When we are stuck in a negative thought pattern your brain is conditioned to continue to feed more negative thoughts to you. It’s just helping you out and doing what it is designed to do.

You have to be deliberate about how you direct your thoughts or your brain will always revert to finding what is wrong.

When you tell your brain to look for the positive it will start looking for what you are asking it.

This is going to take you some time, it did for me anyway. I had been so focused on everything he was doing wrong that I just couldn’t think of anything positive. I started with this: he is my husband, he married me, he loves me. If you have to start with one thing then start with the one and just tell your brain to keep looking. Every day add something new to the list.

Soon you will notice yourself starting to feel better.

Soon you will notice the spark coming back.

Be patient friend, that fire has been out for a while, that fire pit is wet and soggy, it’s going to take more than a few swipes of the match to dry it out and then build it to an inferno.

I absolutely love hearing the fun love stories that come back into people’s relationships, all because of the work on one person’s part.

 I love seeing the smile on my client’s faces when they tell me something loving they did.

Not to get someone to love them.

To show themselves how much they love themselves.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.