Letting People’s Opinions Keep Us Stuck

When Other People's Opinions Keep Us Stuck

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As humans, we are very concerned about what the tribe thinks of us, and once upon a time, for a good reason. Long ago, not fitting in could have meant being the group’s weak link, causing us to be left behind to survive on our own so the tribe wouldn’t be compromised. Fitting in was a matter of life or death!

Now in the twenty-first century, this is not the case for us adults living our modern-day life. Not fitting in will most definitely not cause us death, yet our brain will do it’s hardest to convince you that this is a lie. Our brain wants us to stay stuck in our limiting belief, it thinks you are safer there.

First, I want you to pick a recent decision you’ve wanted to make and see how another’s opinion might affect your decision.

Let’s start by playing a little game, you know me, I LOVE to play! Let’s go back to your last big decision; maybe it was getting out of bed this morning, for real! Just come up with any decision, and I’m going to show you how this works with a decision like getting out of bed.

Example decisions could be:

  • Having that cake or donut or pizza, or all three
  • Quitting your job and starting your own business
  • Taking some time off of work
  • Leaving the party early
  • Choosing to not have a drink at dinner with your friends
  • Joining a program or taking a class

Secondly, I’d like you to write down what you think other people’s opinions might be about your choice.

Let’s go back to waking up when the alarm goes off. Let’s also pretend that you have mentioned to your partner that you’d like to start getting up earlier to get your workout in before work. The alarm goes off in the morning when you wanted to get up, and your partner pops right up out of bed. You want to stay under the covers and snuggle in. The thought crosses your mind that he might think you are lazy for not getting out of bed when you said you would. Now you feel guilty for wanting to stay in bed, and you start complaining about being tired, how you want to sleep another 15 minutes. You stay under the covers but don’t sleep one bit; you complain and tell yourself stories about how annoying your partner is. 30 minutes later, you drag yourself out of bed, complain about how late it is, rush around like a crazy woman making for a stressful morning. All of this resulting in you not doing what you said you wanted to do, thinking that you’re lazy, and getting annoyed with your partner, blaming him for making you feel guilty. None of this has anything to do with what your partner does, says, thinks, but when we don’t take care of our own needs, we will often look outside of ourselves to reason for our discomfort.

Pay attention to how you are getting into someone else’s head and letting them determine your outcome. When we are thinking these things about other people they are reflections of what we are thinking about ourselves.

  • He thinks I’m lazy > I think I’m lazy
  • She thinks I should stick with my old job > I think I should keep my old job and I’m afraid to decide on me
  • They think I’m fat because I eat pizza > I think I’m fat
  • He thinks I should work instead of taking a vacation > I think I don’t deserve a vacation
  • She thinks I’m boring for leaving the party early > I think I’m boring
  • They don’t think I’ll finish this course I’m wanting to purchase > I don’t think I’m going to complete this course I’m wanting to purchase

Now imagine yourself being able to make that decision from a place of believing in yourself.

Imagine letting go of the meaning you are making other people’s actions mean. How can we get out of their head and stay in our own? The solution is in creating belief and self-confidence in yourself that allows you to let others be who they are and not make their actions mean anything about who you are as a person.

I like to imagine myself going to the space after making the decision I want to make, the one that honors me. How would you have let anyone else’s actions not mean anything about you and everything about them? How would you have allowed others to think, say, and do their own thing knowing that you have your own back? You left the party when you said, got to bed early, and woke up feeling amazing.

Then, imagine going to the space after not making the decision you wanted to make because of what you thought other people were thinking. You stayed at the party late, drank more than you wanted to, only got a few hours of sleep, and woke up with a hang-over.

While I was thinking about all of this and writing this post, I then thought about the scenario of peer pressure around seeking mental wellness.

One of the main reasons people don’t seek a mental wellness professional is the fear of what other people will think, other people’s opinions.

It keeps us from doing many of the things we want to do, like seeking a personal trainer, getting a gym membership, taking a dance class, and hiring a professional to help us with our business website. Still, the most detrimental decision it keeps us from is the decision to invest in our ourselves.

When we let go of what others think and decide to be all in on ourselves, that’s when we can actually invest in ourselves and create the success that we have only dreamed of in the past. The only way to fully get to that place is to trust and believe in yourself – exactly what we do in AwakenYou.

As you start building a strong relationship with yourself you start noticing when you’re holding yourself back. You already just did an exercise of awareness, the more you start to see what you’re doing and the error of your thoughts you can start self-correcting.

Once you begin to Awaken(YourTrue)You you’ll start to catch on when your brain is working in it’s old operating system and needs to be self corrected into it’s new mode of operation. That new upgraded operating system decides what’s best for us without worrying what others think.

If this article resonated with you I also wrote another blog about other people’s opinions that has a whole different perspective, go check it out!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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The Quick Fix Myth

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You are in pain in your love relationship, and you are seeking help, now, quickly, like yesterday. This is the case for many of the people I talk to who want to bring love back into their love relationship. When you think about it, many of us are like this with most of our goals; we decide it’s time to giddy-up, we jump on a horse we’ve never ridden, on a saddle that doesn’t fit, and wonder why a few miles into the journey we’ve been thrown off left to lick our wounds.

The bad news I have to share with you today might create all sorts of thoughts that make you feel disappointed, sad, hopeless about wanting to do the work it will take to turn your relationship around. Which, of course, will get you the same results you have right now, being out of love.

The good news I have to share with you is that by the end of this article you will have hope, desire and motivation to get started on your journey today.

The Relationship Quick Fix

This is similar to turning the light switch on, and πŸ’₯ there is love, romance, connection, joy. You decided for the moment that you were going to change your ways, you know, like telling yourself you weren’t going to eat sweets, ever. Slowly, over time you start to creep back to your normal self, slipping those sweets in here and there, wondering why you’re not feeling the love again. You decided to switch the light on, bury, and ignore your emotions without dealing with the root of your problem – why you want the sugar. You decided you didn’t want to be uncomfortable and look inside when your partner acted or didn’t act a certain way.

We start out doing things to make the other person happy, they respond, and we think everything is working fine. Because we are outside motivated, we slack off on the work we were doing, and in response, so does your partner, then resentment enters the scene. Again, we start looking at why they aren’t doing what they need to do to make the relationship work; we are looking outside of ourselves for satisfaction. We get angry at the sweets for being there instead of dealing with the discomfort of managing our minds around why we want them, instead of doing what we said we would do for delayed gratification.

We go back to what we always did, that which made us unhappy in the first place: avoiding, blaming, looking for immediate pleasure instead of working through issues, not managing our minds, resenting, going back to what is comfortable but not what we want.

The Life Changing Relationship Fix

We are the root of our own problems, and often, we don’t want to do that work. Why? For the exact reasons that we need to: because it sounds hard, it sounds uncomfortable. Easy never wins; think about all of the “easy” fixes you have had in your life; did they last? Did they REALLY make you happy?

The work of looking inside is an investment in YOU that will pay itself back in more ways than just feeling better in your love relationship. It will:

  • Improve all of your relationships
  • It will have you producing more than you have ever produced
  • You will have more energy than you’ve ever had
  • You will create more money and pleasure
  • You will lose the weight, feel calm and look better than ever
  • Creating that which you have always wanted to create

It is the work of reinventing a lifetime of hurts, habits, and hang-ups, and anyone who thinks they don’t need to do this work is settling for the life they have. I’m not saying that is wrong, but when you complain about that life, that’s when it’s wrong. That’s when you are missing the point.

The process of dealing with the root of the problem is creating slow self-pleasure releasing hits over and over again versus the self-ignoring buffering pleasure hits of your past. The daily joy that comes as you heal from the inside and create permanent change in your life feels good and very self motivating.

Re-wiring old neuropathways takes time, takes patience, takes consistent daily steps forward. It’s a continual journey to self-awareness and freedom from being at the mercy of self-limiting beliefs. It’s all-in on yourself, every day, and believing in the future that you are creating, one powerful moment at a time.

No matter what relationship quick fix someone may be offering you, there is no quick fix that is permanent. That would be like me promising you that there is a quick and easy way to losing your extra weight, forever. After thirty years in the health and wellness industry let me tell you, there is no quick fix for any permanent change in your life. Any quick fix over time will have you, at best, right back where you started though more often than not, in a worse place than where you started.

All permanent, long-lived solutions are life journeys where you re-commit daily to being better than the day before. To lose weight permanently, you have to be willing to work on mind management every day. Getting to your goal weight isn’t the end of the journey; it’s a continual journey to improve your relationship with food and yourself. Getting to your dream relationship is the same, every day re-committing to the work, re-committing to your partner, re-committing to yourself as you nurture and grow into your next best self.

That is why my clients hire me to help them along the journey to empower them to take the brave steps forward into the life they know they could live but the life they haven’t figured out how to step into.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Is Fear Pushing You Apart?

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Lately, I have been exploring the emotion of fear in my own life and how it is holding me back from taking powerful steps forward in my journey to develop the close, loving relationship I desire with my husband. The realization became profound when I was actually observing fear of a different kind, fear around a decision. I discovered how I was making decisions based on fear, meaning I was looking at what could go wrong and basing my decision on which choice would “hurt” the least. When I saw this scarcity/protective thinking, I decided to ask a better question. I decided to ask how my decision could be awesome? How could this decision create amazing abundance in my life?

I want to invite you to join me as I ask some tough questions about why we aren’t doing the things that will actually move us forward faster, getting us the results we want instead of the same old stale results that we aren’t happy with.

Fear might be why you aren’t doing that which you want to be doing, but do you really understand what you are afraid of? In reality, it’s not the emotion of fear that keeps us stuck; it’s more the fear of the emotion that will come up for us if we take that step into the unknown. That step into a place where someone might think something about us, having us thinking something about ourselves that might make us feel stupid or unworthy or unlovable – exposed. The funny thing is that what we’re afraid of feeling is an emotion that we are currently burying because we are already thinking that same thought about ourselves. Confused? That’s ok; let’s dig into it, and let me help clear some things up for you.

Let’s start by looking at the typical areas that I see people repeatedly using as excuses for not creating what they want in their life, especially when it comes to our love relationship.

Fear of the things we have full control over.

Time: Why aren’t you creating time to work on your relationship?

Be honest, answer the question.

Every day people tell me that they don’t have time to work on themselves or their relationship. We are constantly putting ourselves on the back burner until something drastic happens. This “drastic” event now has us putting out fires that could have been avoided had we prioritized our time. The truth is that when things come up that are “musts,” we somehow find the time to get them done. Of course, when the car breaks down, you don’t have time or the money to deal with it, but somehow you figure it out. You have a child, of course, you don’t have time or the money to take care of a child, but somehow you figure it out. You get sick; of course, you don’t have time to get better, but divinely, your body has a way of making the time for you.

What if you allowed the fear to be there while you did that which you know will pay off with a rich reward. Fear isn’t stopping you from taking the time to work on yourself and your relationship with your partner; it’s the emotion that comes up when you actually create the time. The shame you might feel when you think you should be doing dishes or laundry instead, the guilt you feel when you think about how you have “neglected” your relationship, feeling stupid that you don’t know where to start, instead of opening up your phone so you can feel better momentarily.

I believe there is an abundant amount of time to do that which is important to me, and this belief serves me well. Ask yourself how important this relationship is to you; maybe it’s really not that important yet, don’t worry because if you wait long enough, the wrong sort of fire will begin to burn. When it does, you will make the time to do the work. I guarantee that work will be a whole lot more uncomfortable than if you prioritize it now. If you want abundance in your love relationship, then my suggestion is to ask yourself to list all of the reasons that taking 15 minutes every day to work on your love relationship is important to you. How will it be exactly what you needed to do?

Money: Why are you afraid to invest in the only thing that will move you forward every single day?

The second place of resistance for most people is the fear of investing money in themselves. People will throw money at all sorts of insignificant material objects as a way to feel better, but why aren’t they taking that money and spending it on something that will payback on that investment over ten-fold? Look at some of the same scenarios I listed with time, when we absolutely need something, like the furnace goes out in the middle of a Minnesota winter, somehow the money shows up.

It makes me sad when I think about how many people don’t believe in their ability to invest in themselves, not reaping the reward of its payoff. Many of us spend the first 20-30 years of our lives investing in our minds, filling it with a bunch of knowledge. Then we run on fumes for the rest of our lives, taking a continuing education class when required but not investing in our minds. We’re afraid of looking in there; we are afraid that we might not be able to figure out the answers, rendering us stupid.

The funny thing is, almost everyone I talk to says the ability to get to the relationship of their dreams and the life of their dreams is something they couldn’t put a price tag on; it’s worth that much to them; until it comes to actually committing. I’ve been there; I was that person; I didn’t believe I could create that dream result, so why bother, until I got desperate. Until I kept trying everything that came my way, still not getting any closer to that dream. Until I learned how to trust myself enough to hire a coach, that’s when I started to see that the best thing I could spend money on was my mind. That investment clearly showed me my scarcity, limited, fearful mindset.

I believe the money we invest in ourselves is worth every penny because it makes me grow; it makes me think outside of my comfort zones; it shows me my weak spots. In my love relationship, it helps me be brave in creating exactly what I want and dedicate every day to doing that work. It helps me dig into why I’m not taking the actions I want to take in my love relationship; it reveals the truth, then allowing me to understand and decide my next steps.

Self Confidence: being all in on yourself

We’re so busy focusing on the outside, trying to get people to like us, trying to get others to open up and talk, and not doing the same ourselves. We are afraid to look inside at why we hate ourselves so much, at why we feel so lost and empty, why we’re scared. Let me tell you something; you will never find what you are looking for in someone else. So many of us are afraid that if we let go of controlling our surroundings, we might drown, but the truth is when you let go and start focusing on yourself, that’s when you learn how to swim.

Remember the saying: a rising tide lifts all boats? You can’t be the rising tide when you are empty inside; you suck up all the water, and everything sinks with you.

Fear of something new

The fear of not knowing what we’re doing; the fear of having to start over. Well, what will you be doing when you lose it all? Doing what you’ve been doing isn’t working, and it is actually pushing you further and further from your goal. It’s not the fear of starting something new and unfamiliar; it’s fear of how you’re going to feel when you think, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” My suggestion is to look at it as a new lease on life; you are purchasing your new self and building it exactly how you want, how you were divinely created to be.

How do you face fear?

Action plan:

I’m going to suggest a few things for you to try, take one and implement it into your daily routine and then let me know what’s working or not working.

  • Time: Schedule 15 minutes every morning before you do anything else, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual, and get out of bed. Take the time to do a thought download, that’s it. Do it every day for seven days. Notice what happens in your mind when it tells you not to take the time, that it really won’t matter, sleep for another 15 minutes. Notice, and then roll on out of that bed anyway.
  • Money: Start keeping track of where every penny goes. Don’t make this hard. Get yourself an old fashioned notebook, every day, write down what you spent money on, and categorize it. Was it essential and necessary, meaning you would die if you hadn’t spent that money? Would they shut off your heat or your electricity? Is it a “luxury” living expense that isn’t necessary: take out, restaurant eating, coffee, non-essential food like liquor, desserts, snacks? Is it a comfort purchase?
  • Solo date: One day a week, plan a date with yourself; it doesn’t need to involve money, go for a walk, ride your bike, sit at the lake, go to a museum and pay attention to your surroundings. Get in touch with yourself and who you really are, take one to two hours to get to know yourself.
  • Planned partner date: Plan something and follow-through, no matter what emotions come up for you. Afterward, take 15 minutes to write about what happened, how you felt, and why.

Whichever idea you decide to go with, I’d like you to pay attention to some of the following things, maybe write them down in a notebook.

  • When you didn’t do what you said you were going to do, ask yourself why. I don’t know isn’t an option, answer the question, ask your brain to calm down and answer. When you continue not to do what you plan to do, you solidify that belief that you have created. The belief that you don’t do what you say you’re going to do. You solidify that lack of trust in yourself. How are you going to change that belief? My recommendation: don’t make it an option, feel uncomfortable, notice how it feels, notice what comes up, breathe through it, and do it anyway.
  • Instead of focusing on all of the things that could go wrong with the action you want to take, list all of the things that could go right. Remember, “wrong” is just something you are thinking, that “wrong” could lead you to the right path.
  • If you do something different, ask yourself why. If you catch yourself in the middle of your scheduled time doing something different, stop yourself and be honest with yourself. Then go down two paragraphs and read.
  • When you don’t do what you said you would do what comes up for you? Shame? Guilt? Anger? Resentment? More feelings for you to look at. Ask yourself why you feel whatever emotion you are feeling, hint: it’s a thought you are thinking.

Lastly, I’d like to suggest three different things to do during the time you have scheduled for yourself and only do one of these three things. Take the time to do what you said you’d do, just sit there, or do a thought download.

Fear is an emotion that keeps us from moving forward and doing that which we really want to do. Taking the time to reflect, do thought downloads, and thought models will help you uncover that emotion that stops you from creating the beautiful relationship you so badly desire. Then ask yourself what is beautiful about the decision to be all in on that which you want to do. Yes, write them all down!

My AwakenYou coaching program is the exact process you need to help you with all of the obstacles you find yourself running up against as you try to figure out how to show up the way you want to show up in your love relationship. I teach you how to overcome all of the objections that you are creating as roadblocks to your best life while having a good time doing it; together let’s knock them all down!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Stop Avoiding Your Lover

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“You are cold-hearted and non-emotional, I’m tired of being ignored! I am always the one who has to plan our time together, obviously, you don’t care enough to put any energy into our relationship.”

Deb has had it, she just wishes Jack would change. She is full of resentment and tired of fighting against him. Instead of coming up with solutions, Deb starts finding ways to get away from her husband as a form of punishment. Punishment because she isn’t actually enjoying the activities she chooses to participate in, instead she is using them against Jack hoping that he’ll change.

One of the most common actions my clients take when they are experiencing some sort of negative emotion like resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation is avoidance. They decide to start “doing things for themselves” but not actually enjoying their time, they aren’t using the time to grow, explore and connect with themselves. Imagine this; you want to get in shape, like build some shoulders, glutes, and have a 6 pack but working out just doesn’t work for you. So instead you watch workout videos, athletic events, collect workout plans, apps, equipment but none of this gets you any closer to your vision, it actually moves you further from your vision. You are avoiding the actual work of it.

Let’s dig into the why of your avoidant actions.

Resentment has us wanting and expecting our partners to take care of our needs. We want them to do all of the things that will make us feel loved and connected because somewhere along the line, we learned that other people’s actions determine how we feel. “Make mommy happy by cleaning up your room,” “I’d feel so much better if you told me you loved me.”, “Give grandpa a kiss goodbye, so you don’t hurt his feelings.” Pay attention to other people’s conversations, pay attention to the conversation in your own head and notice how true it is; as you start to see the prevalence of this behavior, you can start deciding if you like it or not.

Let’s take a look at what it is you do when you are feeling resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation in your romantic relationship. Let me guess about some actions you might be taking:

  • Avoid
  • Blame
  • Complain
  • Expect them to change
  • Don’t proactively plan activities together
  • You spend more time at work
  • Go out with your friends more than usual
  • Search for things to do that you haven’t done for yourself in years, but not for enjoyment sake – out of resentment
  • Spend money on things that don’t matter for a temporary “feel good”
  • Maybe you eat more than you’d like
  • Have a drink or two more because that might get you in the mood of having a good time with your partner

Can you see how every single one of these actions are a form of avoidance? All of these actions have you changing into someone your spouse might not want to be with AND further away from someone YOU want to be with! It gets you further from your goal of creating an intimate relationship, both with yourself and your partner.

So what’s in the way of getting what you want in your relationship?

You. Yep, I typed that correctly. You are in your own way of getting what you want in your relationship. You are waiting for them to do the things you want them to do which gives them all of the control in your relationship and in how you feel. Boo! That won’t work for you my friend, trust me I’ve tried it, all it does is get you further from exactly what you want, which is lots of love.

How to stop avoiding your partner.

Now it’s time to start digging into all of the reasons you want them to do these things. We actually uncovered that in the story of Deb and Jack’s relationship, she wants him to make her feel good. Deb gives Jack all of her emotional power in their relationship, Jack feels manipulated if he abides by her demands without feeling honoring and Deb ends up losing herself in the process.

The first step Deb needed to take is becoming aware of this simple fact. We do this exact thing in so many of our relationships, we are expecting them to act a certain way, over and over and over again. We wonder why we’re getting so frustrated, the whole time forgetting how to fill ourselves up all on our own. When we keep expecting our love to come from an outside source we are always craving our next fix, looking for that next hit of pleasure outside of ourselves. These outside pleasures leave us empty, maybe overweight, hungover and sad.

To turn the cycle around, you will want to start taking care of your mental health; you’ll want to take your power back and start working on how you will find joy for yourself. You may ask why you should do that; you thought that’s what marriage was, your partner providing you with the love and support you need, that my friend is a lofty ask for anyone and quite dangerous. That will have your partner all weak and not themselves, continually trying to make you happy. That is a lose-lose situation for both of you. It’s time to let go of your manuals, start practicing emotional adulthood, and start nurturing that dried up love seed that you’ve unknowingly been neglecting.

The good news is this; when Deb started taking her focus off of Jack she started feeling so much better, she felt empowered, satisfied, responsible, and joyous which led her to start opening up in conversation with Jack. She doesn’t need him to fill up her joy tank because she is learning how to do that all by herself. Now Jack gets to be himself while she gets to enjoy her best life to date. Deb has learned how to Awaken her true self!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

Actions Speak Loudly

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. It’s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. I’ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!