Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive Dissonance

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Cognitive what? I know it sounds a bit difficult, but I’m going to break it down for you because it’s something that we all experience, and once you understand it, you’ll be able to see it at work in your life. Once we recognize cognitive dissonance for what it is, we can close the gap between what you currently believe and what you want to believe.

Let’s start with a definition. Cognitive dissonance is the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

Yikes!

Let’s break it down a bit more because if you’re not confused, I am. Basically, cognitive dissonance is when we know how we want to act, we know the “right” beliefs that could get us to take the actions we want to take, but yet we don’t believe those thoughts enough to take the action we desire consistently.

Phew. I know, it’s a mouth-full!

Cognitive dissonance can also work in reverse where you have taken steps towards your future self and are doing the things that you want to be doing but your old self and thoughts are trying to tell you that you can’t do it. I call this identity crisis which I will speak about in a future post.

Cognitive dissonance examples:

  • Knowing sugar isn’t good for you but eating it anyway.
  • Knowing that we want to get up early tomorrow morning having a rested and clear mind but staying up late and watching Netflix anyway.
  • Wanting to snuggle on a Friday night with our honey but staying at work late instead.

The work I do as a coach helps you see your current beliefs and how they are serving you. What that means is we uncover the things you are thinking that are keeping you from achieving what you want in your love relationship. Once we understand how we feel is coming from how we are thinking, we can then start looking at what other beliefs we might want to begin working towards.

The trick is that once we decide where it is we want to go with our new belief, cognitive dissonance steps in between that new belief and our old one. How long it will take us to eliminate the dissonance truly depends on our willingness to do the work of banning the old thought and how long that old thought has been lurking in our brain. It also requires that you take believable steps in your new belief creation; downloading the thought laddering worksheet found in my post “Getting From Here To There” will help tremendously in this process.

The process of closing the cognitive dissonance gap is one of the biggest reasons we hire coaches. First, a coach helps you discover the pesky belief holding you back; then your coach helps you close the gap of disbelief and keep you moving towards a belief that will serve the life you want to create for yourself. On our own we will always gravitate towards the belief we’ve identified with, our coach helps us uncover how we are doing this so we can keep making progress.

The gap between what we currently believe and what we want to believe can seem difficult to overcome. As much as we dream of the desired results and as much as we despise where we currently are, there is comfort in the mess that we sit in. Take a look at the industry I served for over thirty years, the “fitness division” of the health and wellness industryβ€”so many people miserable where they are yet stuck in that misery. “About 82.1 million adults spend an estimated $28.6 billion on gym memberships each year. And yet 6.3% of these aspirational gymgoers never end up using them.” That, my loves, is some cognitive dissonance!

Where we want to be and what it means to us.

Most of us have dreams of being somewhere other than where we are in life and I believe that’s a beautiful thing, I’m all in on growing, learning, expanding our horizons. The problem is how we think we will feel when we get there, our reason for getting there is that we think life will be better “there.” Most of us think our lives will be better when we have the love, have the car, have the job, have the goal weight and so we keep chasing that better life. Here’s the problem though, we’re not enjoying where we are, what we have achieved so when we get there we will be looking ahead to the next, never satisfied.

Pay attention. Look at some goals you have achieved; maybe you’ve married the man (or woman), bought the car, and landed the job, but you’re still not happy. That’s because you are always in search of the happiness outside of yourself, in that next best thing, never truly enjoying the current victory for more than a moment before you move on, not truly in love with where you are.

I love asking myself, “What is perfect about right now?”

It’s when we can fully love ourselves and our current life that we can actually start drawing more to us, but not because we need them to feel happy, but simply because we want to. When we know where we want to be, we can recognize that the achievement will be the reward and that life will still be 50/50 when we get there; that’s when we start making true progress towards our dreams while fully enjoying the space between here and there.

Where we are and our belief in attaining our goal.

Most of the time, our belief in ourselves and our ability to achieve our goal is in the dump. When this is the case, it’s difficult for us to believe enough to invest in ourselves.

Working in the fitness industry for thirty years showed me how much money people will throw at promises to look good. Yet, we are reluctant to invest in what will allow us to achieve our fitness goals, sustain those goals, and achieve our life goals. Why? Because we don’t believe in ourselves, we want someone else to tell us what to do so we can look to them when things don’t go the way we expect. Learning how to manage our mind allows us to create our own path, the path that will produce lasting change.

The price of the coaching program doesn’t matter when a person’s dissonance is large. If the program is cheap, they may buy-in, but only because their rationale is that they might lose that money and they are ok with that. When the program is worth its gold weight, they doubt themselves so much that the price becomes the obstacle to starting.

Once we learn how to be all in ourselves and believe that we can create our desired results, that’s when we wouldn’t even consider the “cheap” program because we believe in the value we will produce for ourselves. We know the value is priceless and that we will be making an investment that will easily pay itself off.

Stepping into belief and closing the dissonance gap.

One, you could decide today to be all in on believing in yourself and your ability to produce the promised results with your new coach’s help. This is a stretch for most people, and that’s why I offer so much free value here on my blog, in my free courses, and on my social media platforms. It allows people to start the work independently, start closing the dissonance gap and start taking steps towards self-belief, self-trust, and trust in me as their future coach. As you create the results on your own you will know that continuing this work with a professional will put you in the fast lane.

My job is to show you how to believe in yourself, help you to believe that you are worthy and capable of the results of this work.

Personally, I have watched the cognitive dissonance be reduced in so many areas of my life, the biggest one is seeing, believing and investing in the work of cleaning my own mind.

I used to yearn for the dream; I believed my dream was worth millions, yet I didn’t believe hard enough to justify investment in a coach to guide me. The truth is, I didn’t believe in my ability to create the results, but I did the work of narrowing my cognitive dissonance, and then I believed enough to dive into the deep end.

I will NEVER regret that decision.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Is Fear Pushing You Apart?

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Lately, I have been exploring the emotion of fear in my own life and how it is holding me back from taking powerful steps forward in my journey to develop the close, loving relationship I desire with my husband. The realization became profound when I was actually observing fear of a different kind, fear around a decision. I discovered how I was making decisions based on fear, meaning I was looking at what could go wrong and basing my decision on which choice would “hurt” the least. When I saw this scarcity/protective thinking, I decided to ask a better question. I decided to ask how my decision could be awesome? How could this decision create amazing abundance in my life?

I want to invite you to join me as I ask some tough questions about why we aren’t doing the things that will actually move us forward faster, getting us the results we want instead of the same old stale results that we aren’t happy with.

Fear might be why you aren’t doing that which you want to be doing, but do you really understand what you are afraid of? In reality, it’s not the emotion of fear that keeps us stuck; it’s more the fear of the emotion that will come up for us if we take that step into the unknown. That step into a place where someone might think something about us, having us thinking something about ourselves that might make us feel stupid or unworthy or unlovable – exposed. The funny thing is that what we’re afraid of feeling is an emotion that we are currently burying because we are already thinking that same thought about ourselves. Confused? That’s ok; let’s dig into it, and let me help clear some things up for you.

Let’s start by looking at the typical areas that I see people repeatedly using as excuses for not creating what they want in their life, especially when it comes to our love relationship.

Fear of the things we have full control over.

Time: Why aren’t you creating time to work on your relationship?

Be honest, answer the question.

Every day people tell me that they don’t have time to work on themselves or their relationship. We are constantly putting ourselves on the back burner until something drastic happens. This “drastic” event now has us putting out fires that could have been avoided had we prioritized our time. The truth is that when things come up that are “musts,” we somehow find the time to get them done. Of course, when the car breaks down, you don’t have time or the money to deal with it, but somehow you figure it out. You have a child, of course, you don’t have time or the money to take care of a child, but somehow you figure it out. You get sick; of course, you don’t have time to get better, but divinely, your body has a way of making the time for you.

What if you allowed the fear to be there while you did that which you know will pay off with a rich reward. Fear isn’t stopping you from taking the time to work on yourself and your relationship with your partner; it’s the emotion that comes up when you actually create the time. The shame you might feel when you think you should be doing dishes or laundry instead, the guilt you feel when you think about how you have “neglected” your relationship, feeling stupid that you don’t know where to start, instead of opening up your phone so you can feel better momentarily.

I believe there is an abundant amount of time to do that which is important to me, and this belief serves me well. Ask yourself how important this relationship is to you; maybe it’s really not that important yet, don’t worry because if you wait long enough, the wrong sort of fire will begin to burn. When it does, you will make the time to do the work. I guarantee that work will be a whole lot more uncomfortable than if you prioritize it now. If you want abundance in your love relationship, then my suggestion is to ask yourself to list all of the reasons that taking 15 minutes every day to work on your love relationship is important to you. How will it be exactly what you needed to do?

Money: Why are you afraid to invest in the only thing that will move you forward every single day?

The second place of resistance for most people is the fear of investing money in themselves. People will throw money at all sorts of insignificant material objects as a way to feel better, but why aren’t they taking that money and spending it on something that will payback on that investment over ten-fold? Look at some of the same scenarios I listed with time, when we absolutely need something, like the furnace goes out in the middle of a Minnesota winter, somehow the money shows up.

It makes me sad when I think about how many people don’t believe in their ability to invest in themselves, not reaping the reward of its payoff. Many of us spend the first 20-30 years of our lives investing in our minds, filling it with a bunch of knowledge. Then we run on fumes for the rest of our lives, taking a continuing education class when required but not investing in our minds. We’re afraid of looking in there; we are afraid that we might not be able to figure out the answers, rendering us stupid.

The funny thing is, almost everyone I talk to says the ability to get to the relationship of their dreams and the life of their dreams is something they couldn’t put a price tag on; it’s worth that much to them; until it comes to actually committing. I’ve been there; I was that person; I didn’t believe I could create that dream result, so why bother, until I got desperate. Until I kept trying everything that came my way, still not getting any closer to that dream. Until I learned how to trust myself enough to hire a coach, that’s when I started to see that the best thing I could spend money on was my mind. That investment clearly showed me my scarcity, limited, fearful mindset.

I believe the money we invest in ourselves is worth every penny because it makes me grow; it makes me think outside of my comfort zones; it shows me my weak spots. In my love relationship, it helps me be brave in creating exactly what I want and dedicate every day to doing that work. It helps me dig into why I’m not taking the actions I want to take in my love relationship; it reveals the truth, then allowing me to understand and decide my next steps.

Self Confidence: being all in on yourself

We’re so busy focusing on the outside, trying to get people to like us, trying to get others to open up and talk, and not doing the same ourselves. We are afraid to look inside at why we hate ourselves so much, at why we feel so lost and empty, why we’re scared. Let me tell you something; you will never find what you are looking for in someone else. So many of us are afraid that if we let go of controlling our surroundings, we might drown, but the truth is when you let go and start focusing on yourself, that’s when you learn how to swim.

Remember the saying: a rising tide lifts all boats? You can’t be the rising tide when you are empty inside; you suck up all the water, and everything sinks with you.

Fear of something new

The fear of not knowing what we’re doing; the fear of having to start over. Well, what will you be doing when you lose it all? Doing what you’ve been doing isn’t working, and it is actually pushing you further and further from your goal. It’s not the fear of starting something new and unfamiliar; it’s fear of how you’re going to feel when you think, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” My suggestion is to look at it as a new lease on life; you are purchasing your new self and building it exactly how you want, how you were divinely created to be.

How do you face fear?

Action plan:

I’m going to suggest a few things for you to try, take one and implement it into your daily routine and then let me know what’s working or not working.

  • Time: Schedule 15 minutes every morning before you do anything else, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual, and get out of bed. Take the time to do a thought download, that’s it. Do it every day for seven days. Notice what happens in your mind when it tells you not to take the time, that it really won’t matter, sleep for another 15 minutes. Notice, and then roll on out of that bed anyway.
  • Money: Start keeping track of where every penny goes. Don’t make this hard. Get yourself an old fashioned notebook, every day, write down what you spent money on, and categorize it. Was it essential and necessary, meaning you would die if you hadn’t spent that money? Would they shut off your heat or your electricity? Is it a “luxury” living expense that isn’t necessary: take out, restaurant eating, coffee, non-essential food like liquor, desserts, snacks? Is it a comfort purchase?
  • Solo date: One day a week, plan a date with yourself; it doesn’t need to involve money, go for a walk, ride your bike, sit at the lake, go to a museum and pay attention to your surroundings. Get in touch with yourself and who you really are, take one to two hours to get to know yourself.
  • Planned partner date: Plan something and follow-through, no matter what emotions come up for you. Afterward, take 15 minutes to write about what happened, how you felt, and why.

Whichever idea you decide to go with, I’d like you to pay attention to some of the following things, maybe write them down in a notebook.

  • When you didn’t do what you said you were going to do, ask yourself why. I don’t know isn’t an option, answer the question, ask your brain to calm down and answer. When you continue not to do what you plan to do, you solidify that belief that you have created. The belief that you don’t do what you say you’re going to do. You solidify that lack of trust in yourself. How are you going to change that belief? My recommendation: don’t make it an option, feel uncomfortable, notice how it feels, notice what comes up, breathe through it, and do it anyway.
  • Instead of focusing on all of the things that could go wrong with the action you want to take, list all of the things that could go right. Remember, “wrong” is just something you are thinking, that “wrong” could lead you to the right path.
  • If you do something different, ask yourself why. If you catch yourself in the middle of your scheduled time doing something different, stop yourself and be honest with yourself. Then go down two paragraphs and read.
  • When you don’t do what you said you would do what comes up for you? Shame? Guilt? Anger? Resentment? More feelings for you to look at. Ask yourself why you feel whatever emotion you are feeling, hint: it’s a thought you are thinking.

Lastly, I’d like to suggest three different things to do during the time you have scheduled for yourself and only do one of these three things. Take the time to do what you said you’d do, just sit there, or do a thought download.

Fear is an emotion that keeps us from moving forward and doing that which we really want to do. Taking the time to reflect, do thought downloads, and thought models will help you uncover that emotion that stops you from creating the beautiful relationship you so badly desire. Then ask yourself what is beautiful about the decision to be all in on that which you want to do. Yes, write them all down!

My AwakenYou coaching program is the exact process you need to help you with all of the obstacles you find yourself running up against as you try to figure out how to show up the way you want to show up in your love relationship. I teach you how to overcome all of the objections that you are creating as roadblocks to your best life while having a good time doing it; together let’s knock them all down!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Stop Avoiding Your Lover

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“You are cold-hearted and non-emotional, I’m tired of being ignored! I am always the one who has to plan our time together, obviously, you don’t care enough to put any energy into our relationship.”

Deb has had it, she just wishes Jack would change. She is full of resentment and tired of fighting against him. Instead of coming up with solutions, Deb starts finding ways to get away from her husband as a form of punishment. Punishment because she isn’t actually enjoying the activities she chooses to participate in, instead she is using them against Jack hoping that he’ll change.

One of the most common actions my clients take when they are experiencing some sort of negative emotion like resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation is avoidance. They decide to start “doing things for themselves” but not actually enjoying their time, they aren’t using the time to grow, explore and connect with themselves. Imagine this; you want to get in shape, like build some shoulders, glutes, and have a 6 pack but working out just doesn’t work for you. So instead you watch workout videos, athletic events, collect workout plans, apps, equipment but none of this gets you any closer to your vision, it actually moves you further from your vision. You are avoiding the actual work of it.

Let’s dig into the why of your avoidant actions.

Resentment has us wanting and expecting our partners to take care of our needs. We want them to do all of the things that will make us feel loved and connected because somewhere along the line, we learned that other people’s actions determine how we feel. “Make mommy happy by cleaning up your room,” “I’d feel so much better if you told me you loved me.”, “Give grandpa a kiss goodbye, so you don’t hurt his feelings.” Pay attention to other people’s conversations, pay attention to the conversation in your own head and notice how true it is; as you start to see the prevalence of this behavior, you can start deciding if you like it or not.

Let’s take a look at what it is you do when you are feeling resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation in your romantic relationship. Let me guess about some actions you might be taking:

  • Avoid
  • Blame
  • Complain
  • Expect them to change
  • Don’t proactively plan activities together
  • You spend more time at work
  • Go out with your friends more than usual
  • Search for things to do that you haven’t done for yourself in years, but not for enjoyment sake – out of resentment
  • Spend money on things that don’t matter for a temporary “feel good”
  • Maybe you eat more than you’d like
  • Have a drink or two more because that might get you in the mood of having a good time with your partner

Can you see how every single one of these actions are a form of avoidance? All of these actions have you changing into someone your spouse might not want to be with AND further away from someone YOU want to be with! It gets you further from your goal of creating an intimate relationship, both with yourself and your partner.

So what’s in the way of getting what you want in your relationship?

You. Yep, I typed that correctly. You are in your own way of getting what you want in your relationship. You are waiting for them to do the things you want them to do which gives them all of the control in your relationship and in how you feel. Boo! That won’t work for you my friend, trust me I’ve tried it, all it does is get you further from exactly what you want, which is lots of love.

How to stop avoiding your partner.

Now it’s time to start digging into all of the reasons you want them to do these things. We actually uncovered that in the story of Deb and Jack’s relationship, she wants him to make her feel good. Deb gives Jack all of her emotional power in their relationship, Jack feels manipulated if he abides by her demands without feeling honoring and Deb ends up losing herself in the process.

The first step Deb needed to take is becoming aware of this simple fact. We do this exact thing in so many of our relationships, we are expecting them to act a certain way, over and over and over again. We wonder why we’re getting so frustrated, the whole time forgetting how to fill ourselves up all on our own. When we keep expecting our love to come from an outside source we are always craving our next fix, looking for that next hit of pleasure outside of ourselves. These outside pleasures leave us empty, maybe overweight, hungover and sad.

To turn the cycle around, you will want to start taking care of your mental health; you’ll want to take your power back and start working on how you will find joy for yourself. You may ask why you should do that; you thought that’s what marriage was, your partner providing you with the love and support you need, that my friend is a lofty ask for anyone and quite dangerous. That will have your partner all weak and not themselves, continually trying to make you happy. That is a lose-lose situation for both of you. It’s time to let go of your manuals, start practicing emotional adulthood, and start nurturing that dried up love seed that you’ve unknowingly been neglecting.

The good news is this; when Deb started taking her focus off of Jack she started feeling so much better, she felt empowered, satisfied, responsible, and joyous which led her to start opening up in conversation with Jack. She doesn’t need him to fill up her joy tank because she is learning how to do that all by herself. Now Jack gets to be himself while she gets to enjoy her best life to date. Deb has learned how to Awaken her true self!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

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The evil Queen asks the famed question yet another day, “Who is the fairest one of all?” The mirror’s response enflames her with jealousy and anger, the Queen MUST be the fairest of all! We all know the story of how the evil Queen’s jealousy drives her to take actions that eventually lead to her demise and death. The evil Queen’s reign ends while Snow White is revived by the Prince, who breaks the spell that put her into a deep sleep.

As I worked through a recent teaching I created on Repairing Relationships, the story of the evil Queen and her mirror came to my mind. I thought about the queen and how we are so similar, creating a false image for all to see, every morning wondering if the world will accept this facade. Thinking about the Queen, I let myself imagine who she really might have been without her mask. How much different her life could have ended had she worked through my AwakenYou coaching program.

Today I want to take you on a journey through the mirror to see who really lives on the other side.

What would the Queen have seen if she had looked through the mirror to the other side?

Maybe one day the Queen wakes up after her husband the King dies and is tired of the struggle. The Queen is tired of being on edge about what the mirror might say when she asks the famed question. The Queen wants to ditch the mirror, put on her own beautiful style of clothes, do her hair the way she loves and go run in the meadow with her stepdaughter.

The evil Queen is tired of being angry, jealous, suspicious, alone, and controlling. She knows she has more to give but is afraid of what everyone would think if she started working with a life coach. She thinks it would make her look weak, like a fake, unworthy of ruling the kingdom and finding a new loving partner who might take over her spotlight.

She reads a few blogs, puts some of the suggestions into action but is still angry, every morning getting up and asking the mirror it’s opinion even though she tries hard to resist. As she smashes the mirror and rushes to the dungeon to mix up a potion that will end Snow White’s threat, something causes her to pause. She remembers that the mirror’s words are simply a circumstance and that she is creating this pain that she no longer wants to feel. Instead of going to the dungeon, she head’s into the library, logs on to her laptop to book a consultation with the life coach she’s been following.

Powerful and strong, the Queen is all in on creating a life that feels so much better than what she has been living, she joins the coaches program and dedicates her time to building a different life for herself. She wants to shed the costume she puts on every day, she wants to step through the mirror and reveal the woman she has always wanted to be.

She commits to doing the work every morning because she’s one intelligent Queen, she knows that when she sets her mind on something she can make things happen. This work opens her up to everything she’s tried to hide but the more she does the work the more magical her life becomes. She starts seeing her true beauty without having to ask the mirror. When she gives in to the old urge to ask the mirror it’s opinion, she notices she doesn’t feel the old pain. She can confidently admit that her step-daughter Snow White is indeed stunning, that her beauty doesn’t diminish her own beauty, and sees that she is starting to create an amazing relationship with Snow White.

When she sees Snow White interacting with the handsome Prince, she asks curious questions to engage Snow White, building trust and closeness. Eventually, she gets to meet the Prince and encourages the relationship while actively dedicated to creating a kingdom where love and peace rule throughout the land. A kingdom she eventually hands over to the Prince and his bride, Snow White, who she sincerely believes is the fairest one of all and where she hires a coach for all seven of the dwarves, even happy because no one should be happy ALL of the time!

Indeed, a happily ever after story. A story of letting go of control over what other people think and do while opening yourself up to a better life than had ever been thought possible. Being able to start stepping through the mirror while leaving our mask on the other side, we start living a life where we create the love we want, and our life starts giving abundant love back to us.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

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Getting From Here To There

Getting From Here To There | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

“I get it, living with me is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with myself either! I live with myself every day and it’s no easy job.” Come on my friends, any of you said words similar to mine? When I look at those words today I just smile because I truly was creating the result I believed so hard in. You might suggest to me that I shouldn’t smile when thinking back to those days but I’m going to smile, jump in the air and do cartwheels because baby, that ain’t me anymore! Getting from here to there has been the work I have done to get to this feeling,

Sometimes the process of looking forward to our dream relationship is daunting, it truly feels like our life was just destined for drama. When we think about where we are right now and how much work it would take to get to where we want to go, well, it’s easier to give up. The question I have to ask you though is this: “Is it really the work that’s scaring you?”, my guess is it’s not, you’re not afraid of hard work. The thing scaring you and keeping you from your dreams is all the feelings you’re going to have to feel to make that dream a reality. It’s easier to stay where we are, accepting that this right here is just fine. Not only that, what right do we have to even think we can make those dreams come true? It’s all fantasy, dreams only other people achieve. These, my friends, are only thoughts that your brain loves to offer because if we’re honest, it’s what you’ve been telling yourself for years and proving true.

If you’ve been with me the last eight episodes of this blog, then you have learned and are recognizing that you are the creator of where you are, just like I was the creator of being a crappy partner in my head. You’ve also taken the time to dream about what you want to create for yourself, just like I have created a relationship I love being in. Maybe you are so ready to start stepping into that future self that you’ve been waiting patiently for this post, where I show you how to take steps forward. Let’s get to it then!

Before we dig into moving forward let’s do a little review.

The unintentional model

This is where we are right now, what we are creating in our marriage, our love relationships, in our lives.

The intentional model

This is where we want to be, where we want to go. It is the relationship and life of our dreams.

How to get from unintentional to intentional or should I say: how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

How to get from here to there.

Step one: you must take tiny little believable steps.

To leap belief from “My marriage is broken.” to “My marriage is everything I hoped it would be.” is going to have you living a false life. If your current state of mind has you believing that your love relationship is broken, you are not one bit close to considering that dream thought, the belief that you want to have. So how do you get from where you are to where you want to go? You start finding thoughts that feel believable and evoke an emotion that moves you forward.

Let’s look at the unintentional thought (My marriage is broken.) and how it’s making you feel, let’s say it’s making you feel hopeless. Hopeless has you showing up in ways that create for you a broken, disconnected marriage by possibly avoiding your husband, not planning ways to connect, not taking uncomfortable action, blaming him for how you feel, not being honest.

What if you could modify your unintentional thought just a bit, in a way to make you feel just a bit better? Maybe one of the following might be a bit more believable:

I am simply thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

Maybe I’m wrong about my marriage being broken.”

It’s possible that my marriage isn’t broken.”

I’m open to the idea that someday my marriage won’t be broken.”

Might any of these feel believable? These are a few examples of modifiers that could get you moving forward. These modifiers can be used on any thought that is getting you an undesirable result in your unintentional model. These thoughts could generate an emotion of hopeful and from that emotion have you taking different actions like planning time with your husband, self-coaching on things that come up in your marriage, working on your belief of something better which gives you a result more like doing the work of improving your relationship with yourself and your marriage.

This baby step is the first step towards your intentional model. You take this new thought with you; every time you think your old opinion, you remind yourself of your new thought. What then happens is your belief in the new thought begins to solidify; once this new thought feels normal, it’s time to start working on a more powerful thought. This new thought will help you even closer to that dream model. You can also try thinking one of the thoughts you couldn’t believe earlier. You will continue this work over and over until you eventually are in full belief of your intentional thought model. Let’s try one out, starting at the very top of the ladder with your deliberate thought, the last thought is your current thought, the bottom rung of the thought ladder:

“My marriage is everything I hoped it would be and more.”

“I am creating my dream love relationship.”

“I am going to create my dream relationship with my partner.”

“I am the author of my love.”

“I am dedicated to working on my relationship with myself and my partner every day.”

“I notice when I am loving myself my marriage doesn’t feel broken.”

“I’m going to work on loving myself.”

“My marriage isn’t broken.”

“It’s possible my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I wonder what it would be like to think my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I’m only thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

“My marriage is broken and that’s ok.”

“My marriage is broken.”

A word on visualization and creating your future self now.

Visualizing and becoming your future self now is a key element of this process. As you are at the bottom of the ladder, standing on the ground in your unintentional thought, you are looking up the ladder at your intentional thought way up at the top. You visualize all of the actions you will be taking when you reach the top. You will feel all of the emotions it takes to get to the top of that tall ladder. You will start becoming the person that is up at the top of the ladder before you actually get there. You know the one; she’s high fiving her partner, smiling at her old self, jumping in the air and yep, doing cartwheels.

Do you know what happens then? You get to the top of the ladder and don’t even realize you are there. You have already built that belief along the way so that when you get there, you are that person! So fun. Until I wrote the first paragraph of this article I can’t even tell you the last time I thought I was a bad partner in my relationships, it’s no longer something I believe and remember I completely believed that disempowering thought, yuck!

Becoming your future self before you hit your goal brings me to something I want to touch on here today. Have you ever achieved a big goal, and then when you got there, it didn’t seem like a big deal? It’s what happens when you do the work of believing in yourself ahead of time. That’s what most likely happened in your life up to a certain point, maybe college, maybe after purchasing your first house or having your first child, and then something happened. You think you stopped creating big dreams when in reality, you stopped dreaming big. Please, NEVER STOP DREAMING BIG!

Action steps to creating your future self.

This week I want you to start creating your own thought ladders, you can create multiples with different thoughts you want to stop believing. I have several going at a time, right now I have one going with my marriage, my business, and money. To help you with this process I created a thought ladder worksheet that I’d like to share with you. Keep them somewhere where you can look at them daily and add to them when you are able to take on a more powerful belief.

I’d love to hear what thoughts you are working on believing in your life and answer any questions that you might have as you do this process. Please share them with me! If you’re interested in more on this topic I shared more in Adopt These Five Thoughts To Create Your Future Self.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Self Coaching Model

Self Coaching Model | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Congratulations! You have made it to week 7 of this seven-part series, where we have been doing a deep dive into the self-coaching model, the very first tool I teach all of my clients. You having this tool means you will be able to start doing your own self-coaching, which is never a replacement for working with a live coach, but helps you get through those spaces between sessions. For the past seven weeks, I have taken each piece of the model, explained it, and shared some weekly homework to help you better understand how each piece works. Having a better understanding of each piece allows you to have a better understanding of the whole model once you start putting it together, which is today!

If you happen to be joining this series today, I want to encourage you to go back to week one and take your time to process through each post up to this week. Today we are going to see how the pieces of the puzzle get put together.

The self-coaching thought model consists of five elements that we have discussed in this series and all of which I will briefly overview below. The model looks like this, I have also created a Self-Coaching Thought Model cheat sheet to share with you to better explain:

You have a C (circumstance) in your life.

You have many T’s (thoughts) about that one C, which you will discover in your thought download, put one of the thought from your download into your model.

That specific T (thought) will create a F (feeling). Often it will create many feelings but you will only put the strongest emotion in the F line.

That F (feeling) will make you show up in several ways (A). That F will make you take several different A (actions) and inactions.

The A’s (actions) you take with create a specific R (result) for you.

That R (result) is evidence of your T (thought), always. This is why we focus so strongly on our thinking, how we think about circumstances in our life end up being our result. When we are able to clearly see this result we can start to decide if we like what we are creating and we can stop blaming other people for our results.

The Self Coaching Model process:

You start with your thought download which is you writing down all of the thoughts in your mind, getting them out of your mind and onto the paper. I shared a document in the Brain Flossing post to help you pull the thoughts out of your brain. Then you take one of the thoughts out of that download, I find it best to pick the most painful thought because it is most likely producing something that I won’t like. You put that thought in the T line. Then it’s very important to determine what the exact circumstance is that you are thinking that thought about. Make sure you take your time with this one, really make sure it is factual, specific, and neutral. Many people want to skip this part but don’t, it’s important to see that it isn’t the circumstance causing the problem, it’s always how we are thinking about the circumstance.

After you come up with the thought you want to look at, decide how that thought makes you feel. I shared a document in the feelings post linked above to help you come up with the strongest emotion that thought generates. It’s very likely that the thought makes you feel several different emotions, just pick one, the one that feels the strongest. You can always go back and run a model on a different emotion, or even a different thought about the same circumstance.

Next, I want you to take your time and write down all of the actions and inactions you take from that emotional state you are in when you think that thought about that circumstance. To begin my clients want to write down one or two different actions so they can quickly get to the result but I want to encourage you to come up with as many actions as you can. The more actions you come up with the clearer your result is going to be.

Now see if you can determine your result. Look at all of the actions you are taking, or not taking, and what are you producing for yourself? Look at the thought, does your result resemble the thought you are thinking? Remember that your result in the self-coaching thought model is a result you are creating for yourself. It is never someone else creating your result for you or you creating a result for someone else.

So let’s run through an example just for the fun of it:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband came home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a person and a wife

See how the result ties back to what you are thinking about the fact that he said he’d see you after work and your thought that he never follows through. You end up creating a scenario where you’re not enjoying how you show up and following through.

Know that in each model you will have multiple thoughts going on, including some positive thoughts, go ahead, and do a model on a positive thought. Maybe you also have a thought that he works hard to take care of your family. Let’s put it in a model, making sure to keep the same circumstance:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”. Husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He works hard to take care of our family.

F: Appreciative

A: Text him to see if he knows when he might be home so you can have his dinner warm, give him a hug and kiss when he settles in, ask him good questions about his day, share your day with him, ask him if there is anything you can do to make his evening more relaxing, go about with your evening plans, go to bed as planned, stay focused on yourself, not judging him

R: You work hard to take care of yourself and your family

Now, the thought model is used to help you see the results you are producing as well as feel what your thought is generating for you. One of these two models might be more accurate for you, overpowering the other, let’s say the first model is more true for you. Even though you believe in the second model, you aren’t showing up that way; you are showing up as in the first model. Ask yourself how each model feels, especially the one you are sitting in and why you are choosing that thought over the other. Is that emotional state creating solutions for you, or is it keeping you stuck?

Realizing that it is simply your thought creating this, allows you to decide how you really want to show up when your husband comes home at 8:12 pm, for YOU. The second model helps you to show up 100% differently which then has your husband also showing up differently because he has his own model going on at the same time. You get to find out exactly what happened in his day, you knew about it early and were able to plan accordingly so you could feel good.

Self Coaching Model Warnings

Note that in the beginning, we will often want to “switch” models in the middle of the model. We’ll come up with the thought – emotion pieces and then as we start thinking about how we show up, we realize that we want to show up differently. We start putting actions in the action line that are coming from a different thought and feeling. Make sure that you are really feeling the current thought and emotion you are working within the model so that you see what result that thought produces for you. It’s not for judgment, it’s a tool to help create awareness for what you are potentially creating for yourself, don’t try to change it and deny something you are actually feeling.

Often when we learn how to create our unintentional models we start to beat ourselves up. We start to see that we are creating results that aren’t moving us forward, results we think are messing our lives up. I want to caution you to not do this. The thought model is an awareness tool, it helps us to see what we are creating in our life and that we are the authors of that creation. When we can see this truth and allow it to sink into our consciousness, we can from there decide if we want to keep the current model or create something different. Creating something different is always an option, that is why this work is so beautiful, it shows you how you are the author of your life.

Self Coaching Model Action steps

This week start filling out the whole model, use the model worksheet I shared in the Actions Speak Loudly post. These models that you will be creating are unintentional models, they are models that we are creating unintentionally, by default. The first model I shared is an unintentional model, the second one could be your real model or your intentional model. Intentional models are models we are creating intentionally. If that is your real model then you are intentionally creating a great result for yourself!

These models that you are creating this week will help you see the results you are getting from your current thinking. Before we move into creating intentional models, it’s important to let your unintentional models sink in. Really work on feeling what it is creating for yourself and seeing that your unintentional results are produced by your thinking before you go quickly changing it.

As you do this work during the week, make sure that you also do some models on your positive thoughts. With both negative and positive thoughts look at your result and decide if they align with what you want to create in your life.

This week I’m sort of leaving you hanging on a cliff because I haven’t fully finished this series. I decided to wait until next week to help you start creating intentional models because it’s so important to really absorb your current reality, how it feels and that you are the creator of it.

Don’t allow your models to make you feel guilty/ashamed/angry/frustrated or disappointed and definitely don’t judge your models; just allow yourself to become aware. Feel them and come back next week, where I’ll show you how to create the results that align with who you want to be in this beautiful life of yours.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.