Stop Avoiding Your Lover

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

“You are cold-hearted and non-emotional, I’m tired of being ignored! I am always the one who has to plan our time together, obviously, you don’t care enough to put any energy into our relationship.”

Deb has had it, she just wishes Jack would change. She is full of resentment and tired of fighting against him. Instead of coming up with solutions, Deb starts finding ways to get away from her husband as a form of punishment. Punishment because she isn’t actually enjoying the activities she chooses to participate in, instead she is using them against Jack hoping that he’ll change.

One of the most common actions my clients take when they are experiencing some sort of negative emotion like resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation is avoidance. They decide to start “doing things for themselves” but not actually enjoying their time, they aren’t using the time to grow, explore and connect with themselves. Imagine this; you want to get in shape, like build some shoulders, glutes, and have a 6 pack but working out just doesn’t work for you. So instead you watch workout videos, athletic events, collect workout plans, apps, equipment but none of this gets you any closer to your vision, it actually moves you further from your vision. You are avoiding the actual work of it.

Let’s dig into the why of your avoidant actions.

Resentment has us wanting and expecting our partners to take care of our needs. We want them to do all of the things that will make us feel loved and connected because somewhere along the line, we learned that other people’s actions determine how we feel. “Make mommy happy by cleaning up your room,” “I’d feel so much better if you told me you loved me.”, “Give grandpa a kiss goodbye, so you don’t hurt his feelings.” Pay attention to other people’s conversations, pay attention to the conversation in your own head and notice how true it is; as you start to see the prevalence of this behavior, you can start deciding if you like it or not.

Let’s take a look at what it is you do when you are feeling resentment, fear, confusion, anger, resignation in your romantic relationship. Let me guess about some actions you might be taking:

  • Avoid
  • Blame
  • Complain
  • Expect them to change
  • Don’t proactively plan activities together
  • You spend more time at work
  • Go out with your friends more than usual
  • Search for things to do that you haven’t done for yourself in years, but not for enjoyment sake – out of resentment
  • Spend money on things that don’t matter for a temporary “feel good”
  • Maybe you eat more than you’d like
  • Have a drink or two more because that might get you in the mood of having a good time with your partner

Can you see how every single one of these actions are a form of avoidance? All of these actions have you changing into someone your spouse might not want to be with AND further away from someone YOU want to be with! It gets you further from your goal of creating an intimate relationship, both with yourself and your partner.

So what’s in the way?

You. Yep, I typed that correctly. You are in your own way of getting what you want in your relationship. You are waiting for them to do the things you want them to do which gives them all of the control in your relationship and in how you feel. Boo! That won’t work for you my friend, trust me I’ve tried it, all it does is get you further from exactly what you want, which is lots of love.

Now what?

Now it’s time to start digging into all of the reasons you want them to do these things. We actually uncovered that in the story of Deb and Jack’s relationship, she wants him to make her feel good. Deb gives Jack all of her emotional power in their relationship, Jack feels manipulated if he abides by her demands without feeling honoring and Deb ends up losing herself in the process.

The first step Deb needed to take is becoming aware of this simple fact. We do this exact thing in so many of our relationships, we are expecting them to act a certain way, over and over and over again. We wonder why we’re getting so frustrated, the whole time forgetting how to fill ourselves up all on our own. When we keep expecting our love to come from an outside source we are always craving our next fix, looking for that next hit of pleasure outside of ourselves. These outside pleasures leave us empty, maybe overweight, hungover and sad.

To turn the cycle around, you will want to start taking care of your mental health; you’ll want to take your power back and start working on how you will find joy for yourself. You may ask why you should do that; you thought that’s what marriage was, your partner providing you with the love and support you need, that my friend is a lofty ask for anyone and quite dangerous. That will have your partner all weak and not themselves, continually trying to make you happy. That is a lose-lose situation for both of you. It’s time to let go of your manuals, start practicing emotional adulthood, and start nurturing that dried up love seed that you’ve unknowingly been neglecting.

The good news is this; when Deb started taking her focus off of Jack she started feeling so much better, she felt empowered, satisfied, responsible, and joyous which led her to start opening up in conversation with Jack. She doesn’t need him to fill up her joy tank because she is learning how to do that all by herself. Now Jack gets to be himself while she gets to enjoy her best life to date. Deb has learned how to Awaken her true self!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

The evil Queen asks the famed question yet another day, “Who is the fairest one of all?” The mirror’s response enflames her with jealousy and anger, the Queen MUST be the fairest of all! We all know the story of how the evil Queen’s jealousy drives her to take actions that eventually lead to her demise and death. The evil Queen’s reign ends while Snow White is revived by the Prince, who breaks the spell that put her into a deep sleep.

As I worked through a recent teaching I created on Repairing Relationships, the story of the evil Queen and her mirror came to my mind. I thought about the queen and how we are so similar, creating a false image for all to see, every morning wondering if the world will accept this facade. Thinking about the Queen, I let myself imagine who she really might have been without her mask. How much different her life could have ended had she worked through my AwakenYou coaching program.

Today I want to take you on a journey through the mirror to see who really lives on the other side.

What would the Queen have seen if she had looked through the mirror to the other side?

Maybe one day the Queen wakes up after her husband the King dies and is tired of the struggle. The Queen is tired of being on edge about what the mirror might say when she asks the famed question. The Queen wants to ditch the mirror, put on her own beautiful style of clothes, do her hair the way she loves and go run in the meadow with her stepdaughter.

The evil Queen is tired of being angry, jealous, suspicious, alone, and controlling. She knows she has more to give but is afraid of what everyone would think if she started working with a life coach. She thinks it would make her look weak, like a fake, unworthy of ruling the kingdom and finding a new loving partner who might take over her spotlight.

She reads a few blogs, puts some of the suggestions into action but is still angry, every morning getting up and asking the mirror it’s opinion even though she tries hard to resist. As she smashes the mirror and rushes to the dungeon to mix up a potion that will end Snow White’s threat, something causes her to pause. She remembers that the mirror’s words are simply a circumstance and that she is creating this pain that she no longer wants to feel. Instead of going to the dungeon, she head’s into the library, logs on to her laptop to book a consultation with the life coach she’s been following.

Powerful and strong, the Queen is all in on creating a life that feels so much better than what she has been living, she joins the coaches program and dedicates her time to building a different life for herself. She wants to shed the costume she puts on every day, she wants to step through the mirror and reveal the woman she has always wanted to be.

She commits to doing the work every morning because she’s one intelligent Queen, she knows that when she sets her mind on something she can make things happen. This work opens her up to everything she’s tried to hide but the more she does the work the more magical her life becomes. She starts seeing her true beauty without having to ask the mirror. When she gives in to the old urge to ask the mirror it’s opinion, she notices she doesn’t feel the old pain. She can confidently admit that her step-daughter Snow White is indeed stunning, that her beauty doesn’t diminish her own beauty, and sees that she is starting to create an amazing relationship with Snow White.

When she sees Snow White interacting with the handsome Prince, she asks curious questions to engage Snow White, building trust and closeness. Eventually, she gets to meet the Prince and encourages the relationship while actively dedicated to creating a kingdom where love and peace rule throughout the land. A kingdom she eventually hands over to the Prince and his bride, Snow White, who she sincerely believes is the fairest one of all and where she hires a coach for all seven of the dwarves, even happy because no one should be happy ALL of the time!

Indeed, a happily ever after story. A story of letting go of control over what other people think and do while opening yourself up to a better life than had ever been thought possible. Being able to start stepping through the mirror while leaving our mask on the other side, we start living a life where we create the love we want, and our life starts giving abundant love back to us.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Getting From Here To There

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

“I get it, living with me is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in relationship with myself either! I live with myself every day and it’s no easy job.” Come on my friends, any of you said words similar to mine? When I look at those words today I just smile because I truly was creating the result I believed so hard in. You might suggest to me that I shouldn’t smile when thinking back to those days but I’m going to smile, jump in the air and do cartwheels because baby, that ain’t me anymore!

Sometimes the process of looking forward to our dream relationship is daunting, it truly feels like our life was just destined for drama. When we think about where we are right now and how much work it would take to get to where we want to go, well, it’s easier to give up. The question I have to ask you though is this: “Is it really the work that’s scaring you?”, my guess is it’s not, you’re not afraid of hard work. The thing scaring you and keeping you from your dreams is all the feelings you’re going to have to feel to make that dream a reality. It’s easier to stay where we are, accepting that this right here is just fine. Not only that, what right do we have to even think we can make those dreams come true? It’s all fantasy, dreams only other people achieve. These, my friends, are only thoughts that your brain loves to offer because if we’re honest, it’s what you’ve been telling yourself for years and proving true.

If you’ve been with me the last eight episodes of this blog, then you have learned and are recognizing that you are the creator of where you are, just like I was the creator of being a crappy partner in my head. You’ve also taken the time to dream about what you want to create for yourself, just like I have created a relationship I love being in. Maybe you are so ready to start stepping into that future self that you’ve been waiting patiently for this post, where I show you how to take steps forward. Let’s get to it then!

Before we dig into moving forward let’s do a little review.

The unintentional model

This is where we are right now, what we are creating in our marriage, our love relationships, in our lives.

The intentional model

This is where we want to be, where we want to go. It is the relationship and life of our dreams.

How to get from unintentional to intentional or should I say: from where you are to where you want to be.

Step one: you must take tiny little believable steps.

To leap belief from “My marriage is broken.” to “My marriage is everything I hoped it would be.” is going to have you living a false life. If your current state of mind has you believing that your love relationship is broken, you are not one bit close to considering that dream thought, the belief that you want to have. So how do you get from where you are to where you want to go? You start finding thoughts that feel believable and evoke an emotion that moves you forward.

Let’s look at the unintentional thought (My marriage is broken.) and how it’s making you feel, let’s say it’s making you feel hopeless. Hopeless has you showing up in ways that create for you a broken, disconnected marriage by possibly avoiding your husband, not planning ways to connect, not taking uncomfortable action, blaming him for how you feel, not being honest.

What if you could modify your unintentional thought just a bit, in a way to make you feel just a bit better? Maybe one of the following might be a bit more believable:

I am simply thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

Maybe I’m wrong about my marriage being broken.”

It’s possible that my marriage isn’t broken.”

I’m open to the idea that someday my marriage won’t be broken.”

Might any of these feel believable? These are a few examples of modifiers that could get you moving forward. These modifiers can be used on any thought that is getting you an undesirable result in your unintentional model. These thoughts could generate an emotion of hopeful and from that emotion have you taking different actions like planning time with your husband, self-coaching on things that come up in your marriage, working on your belief of something better which gives you a result more like doing the work of improving your relationship with yourself and your marriage.

This baby step is the first step towards your intentional model. You take this new thought with you; every time you think your old opinion, you remind yourself of your new thought. What then happens is your belief in the new thought begins to solidify; once this new thought feels normal, it’s time to start working on a more powerful thought. This new thought will help you even closer to that dream model. You can also try thinking one of the thoughts you couldn’t believe earlier. You will continue this work over and over until you eventually are in full belief of your intentional thought model. Let’s try one out, starting at the very top of the ladder with your deliberate thought, the last thought is your current thought, the bottom rung of the thought ladder:

“My marriage is everything I hoped it would be and more.”

“I am creating my dream love relationship.”

“I am going to create my dream relationship with my partner.”

“I am the author of my love.”

“I am dedicated to working on my relationship with myself and my partner every day.”

“I notice when I am loving myself my marriage doesn’t feel broken.”

“I’m going to work on loving myself.”

“My marriage isn’t broken.”

“It’s possible my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I wonder what it would be like to think my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I’m only thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

“My marriage is broken and that’s ok.”

“My marriage is broken.”

A word on visualization and creating your future self now.

Visualizing and becoming your future self now is a key element of this process. As you are at the bottom of the ladder, standing on the ground in your unintentional thought, you are looking up the ladder at your intentional thought way up at the top. You visualize all of the actions you will be taking when you reach the top. You will feel all of the emotions it takes to get to the top of that tall ladder. You will start becoming the person that is up at the top of the ladder before you actually get there. You know the one; she’s high fiving her partner, smiling at her old self, jumping in the air and yep, doing cartwheels.

Do you know what happens then? You get to the top of the ladder and don’t even realize you are there. You have already built that belief along the way so that when you get there, you are that person! So fun. Until I wrote the first paragraph of this article I can’t even tell you the last time I thought I was a bad partner in my relationships, it’s no longer something I believe and remember I completely believed that disempowering thought, yuck!

Becoming your future self before you hit your goal brings me to something I want to touch on here today. Have you ever achieved a big goal, and then when you got there, it didn’t seem like a big deal? It’s what happens when you do the work of believing in yourself ahead of time. That’s what most likely happened in your life up to a certain point, maybe college, maybe after purchasing your first house or having your first child, and then something happened. You think you stopped creating big dreams when in reality, you stopped dreaming big. Please, NEVER STOP DREAMING BIG!

Action steps

This week I want you to start creating your own thought ladders, you can create multiples with different thoughts you want to stop believing. I have several going at a time, right now I have one going with my marriage, my business, and money. To help you with this process I created a thought ladder worksheet that I’d like to share with you. Keep them somewhere where you can look at them daily and add to them when you are able to take on a more powerful belief.

I’d love to hear what thoughts you are working on believing in your life and answer any questions that you might have as you do this process. Please share them with me!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Self Coaching Model

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Congratulations! You have made it to week 7 of this seven-part series, where we have been doing a deep dive into the self-coaching model, the very first tool I teach all of my clients. You having this tool means you will be able to start doing your own self-coaching, which is never a replacement for working with a live coach, but helps you get through those spaces between sessions. For the past seven weeks, I have taken each piece of the model, explained it, and shared some weekly homework to help you better understand how each piece works. Having a better understanding of each piece allows you to have a better understanding of the whole model once you start putting it together, which is today!

If you happen to be joining this series today, I want to encourage you to go back to week one and take your time to process through each post up to this week. Today we are going to see how the pieces of the puzzle get put together.

The self-coaching thought model consists of five elements that we have discussed in this series and all of which I will briefly overview below. The model looks like this, I have also created a Self-Coaching Thought Model cheat sheet to share with you to better explain:

You have a C (circumstance) in your life.

You have many T’s (thoughts) about that one C, which you will discover in your thought download, put one of the thought from your download into your model.

That specific T (thought) will create a F (feeling). Often it will create many feelings but you will only put the strongest emotion in the F line.

That F (feeling) will make you show up in several ways (A). That F will make you take several different A (actions) and inactions.

The A’s (actions) you take with create a specific R (result) for you.

That R (result) is evidence of your T (thought), always. This is why we focus so strongly on our thinking, how we think about circumstances in our life end up being our result. When we are able to clearly see this result we can start to decide if we like what we are creating and we can stop blaming other people for our results.

The process:

You start with your thought download which is you writing down all of the thoughts in your mind, getting them out of your mind and onto the paper. I shared a document in the Brain Flossing post to help you pull the thoughts out of your brain. Then you take one of the thoughts out of that download, I find it best to pick the most painful thought because it is most likely producing something that I won’t like. You put that thought in the T line. Then it’s very important to determine what the exact circumstance is that you are thinking that thought about. Make sure you take your time with this one, really make sure it is factual, specific, and neutral. Many people want to skip this part but don’t, it’s important to see that it isn’t the circumstance causing the problem, it’s always how we are thinking about the circumstance.

After you come up with the thought you want to look at, decide how that thought makes you feel. I shared a document in the feelings post linked above to help you come up with the strongest emotion that thought generates. It’s very likely that the thought makes you feel several different emotions, just pick one, the one that feels the strongest. You can always go back and run a model on a different emotion, or even a different thought about the same circumstance.

Next, I want you to take your time and write down all of the actions and inactions you take from that emotional state you are in when you think that thought about that circumstance. To begin my clients want to write down one or two different actions so they can quickly get to the result but I want to encourage you to come up with as many actions as you can. The more actions you come up with the clearer your result is going to be.

Now see if you can determine your result. Look at all of the actions you are taking, or not taking, and what are you producing for yourself? Look at the thought, does your result resemble the thought you are thinking? Remember that your result in the self-coaching thought model is a result you are creating for yourself. It is never someone else creating your result for you or you creating a result for someone else.

So let’s run through an example just for the fun of it:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband came home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a person and a wife

See how the result ties back to what you are thinking about the fact that he said he’d see you after work and your thought that he never follows through. You end up creating a scenario where you’re not enjoying how you show up and following through.

Know that in each model you will have multiple thoughts going on, including some positive thoughts, go ahead, and do a model on a positive thought. Maybe you also have a thought that he works hard to take care of your family. Let’s put it in a model, making sure to keep the same circumstance:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”. Husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He works hard to take care of our family.

F: Appreciative

A: Text him to see if he knows when he might be home so you can have his dinner warm, give him a hug and kiss when he settles in, ask him good questions about his day, share your day with him, ask him if there is anything you can do to make his evening more relaxing, go about with your evening plans, go to bed as planned, stay focused on yourself, not judging him

R: You work hard to take care of yourself and your family

Now, the thought model is used to help you see the results you are producing as well as feel what your thought is generating for you. One of these two models might be more accurate for you, overpowering the other, let’s say the first model is more true for you. Even though you believe in the second model, you aren’t showing up that way; you are showing up as in the first model. Ask yourself how each model feels, especially the one you are sitting in and why you are choosing that thought over the other. Is that emotional state creating solutions for you, or is it keeping you stuck?

Realizing that it is simply your thought creating this, allows you to decide how you really want to show up when your husband comes home at 8:12 pm, for YOU. The second model helps you to show up 100% differently which then has your husband also showing up differently because he has his own model going on at the same time. You get to find out exactly what happened in his day, you knew about it early and were able to plan accordingly so you could feel good.

Warnings

Note that in the beginning, we will often want to “switch” models in the middle of the model. We’ll come up with the thought – emotion pieces and then as we start thinking about how we show up, we realize that we want to show up differently. We start putting actions in the action line that are coming from a different thought and feeling. Make sure that you are really feeling the current thought and emotion you are working within the model so that you see what result that thought produces for you. It’s not for judgment, it’s a tool to help create awareness for what you are potentially creating for yourself, don’t try to change it and deny something you are actually feeling.

Often when we learn how to create our unintentional models we start to beat ourselves up. We start to see that we are creating results that aren’t moving us forward, results we think are messing our lives up. I want to caution you to not do this. The thought model is an awareness tool, it helps us to see what we are creating in our life and that we are the authors of that creation. When we can see this truth and allow it to sink into our consciousness, we can from there decide if we want to keep the current model or create something different. Creating something different is always an option, that is why this work is so beautiful, it shows you how you are the author of your life.

Action steps

This week start filling out the whole model, use the model worksheet I shared in the Actions Speak Loudly post. These models that you will be creating are unintentional models, they are models that we are creating unintentionally, by default. The first model I shared is an unintentional model, the second one could be your real model or your intentional model. Intentional models are models we are creating intentionally. If that is your real model then you are intentionally creating a great result for yourself!

These models that you are creating this week will help you see the results you are getting from your current thinking. Before we move into creating intentional models, it’s important to let your unintentional models sink in. Really work on feeling what it is creating for yourself and seeing that your unintentional results are produced by your thinking before you go quickly changing it.

As you do this work during the week, make sure that you also do some models on your positive thoughts. With both negative and positive thoughts look at your result and decide if they align with what you want to create in your life.

This week I’m sort of leaving you hanging on a cliff because I haven’t fully finished this series. I decided to wait until next week to help you start creating intentional models because it’s so important to really absorb your current reality, how it feels and that you are the creator of it.

Don’t allow your models to make you feel guilty/ashamed/angry/frustrated or disappointed and definitely don’t judge your models; just allow yourself to become aware. Feel them and come back next week, where I’ll show you how to create the results that align with who you want to be in this beautiful life of yours.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Facts Verses Drama

Today I’m continuing the conversation around the most powerful and freeing tool I teach my clients how to use, the thought model. Last week I talked about the power of getting our thoughts out of our head by doing a thought download and I shared this relationship thought download worksheet to help you with the process. This step alone can move you forward but if you follow this seven-part series and step beyond taking the “junk out of the junk drawer”, you will see how to start creating the life you dream of.

This week I’m going to teach you the difference between the facts and the drama on that list you took out of your head and why it’s so important to know the difference. So often we think that our life circumstances are creating good or bad things in our lives but I teach my clients something different. I teach them that it is the thoughts they have about those facts that are creating the good or bad they are experiencing. This week I’m going to share a freedom that when it was revealed to me, kind of broke my brain. Read on.

Let’s start by looking at facts and thoughts, or drama, separately.

Facts

These are provable, non-emotional statements. Everyone in the world would agree and they are clearly provable in a court of law. Some examples of facts:

  • My husband had three beers last night.
  • My husband said, “I don’t want to go out to dinner tonight.”
  • My husband vacuumed the floors last night.
  • My husband spent $4,000 at the casino last month.

Drama – Thoughts

Thoughts are purely our interpretation of what is actually happening in the world. Thoughts are our opinion of the facts, not the truth. Thoughts usually have emotion, description, subjective words in them.

Some examples of thoughts that we might think about the above factual sentences:

  • My husband drinks too much.
  • My husband doesn’t like going out with me.
  • My husband is so sweet.
  • My husband is selfish.

The fact that our thoughts about reality are optional and changeable is that one completely freeing fact I have to share today. It allows us to question it all, everything we believe.

Does it hurt your head to imagine this concept? It did mine. This might seem simple silly or it might sound completely abstract difficult, either way, please just play along for a bit, just entertain the possibility. If you do this work consistently you will eventually understand and experience new freedom. Knowing certain thoughts you’ve believed most of your life are optional, that the pain they bring is optional, knowing the thoughts that feel like raw truth can be thrown into the trash, liberating. If you learn how to find the facts and separate them from your thoughts you will create magic knowing all of your thoughts are optional. It makes all the difference in re-creating your most important life relationships.

The freedom in knowing that a thought is 100% optional means you have the power to change it. You have the power to change it to something that brings you different results, not the results of your past. Just knowing this fact logically will make your mind start looking for something different and testing new ideas. Knowing that every thought you think is optional, that you get to decide whether it is serving you, whether you want to keep it, is the crack that can let the light in.

Now know this, I also suggest you start questioning thoughts you want to believe and to not let this scare you. Some people are afraid that questioning a thought they want to believe in, like their faith in Jesus Christ as their Savior, could cause them to change their minds. This is 100% possible, you might find evidence that could cause you to change this belief, yet having more evidence allows you to have stronger evidence of what you choose to believe.

I won’t be suggesting you just change, or stop thinking the thought that isn’t serving you. Before you can actually change your thought and produce something different you really have to understand what is going on right now, that you are actually producing a negative result with your thinking. Fun work; just stick around and practice, I promise this works because it’s the real truth.

Benefits of separating out the facts from the drama

Once we can get to the point where we can see the facts as 100% neutral, we can start conceptualizing that any thought is possible. We can start to see when a thought produces pain or tightness and be able to dig into what thought is causing the negative vibration in our body. Even when a thought feels awful, noticing that thinking anything different is impossible at the moment allows us to feel the sting while allowing it, recognizing it and not fighting it. Knowing that it’s just a thought that hurts at the moment and that something different is possible allows the pain to ease a bit. When you’re ready to open up to the possibility of something different, that your thought might be wrong and that it is truly just a thought, then you can start exploring something different.

Next step: implementation.

Last week you practiced doing thought downloads and this week I suggest you continue that practice, just adding a minute on to the end of your practice to look at each sentence. As you look at each sentence decide if it’s fact or drama (a thought). Draw a line through all of the facts on your list. Not many facts in your thought download? No surprise, that’s why it’s called a thought download! Our brains love to fill up with all sorts of thoughts, many of which don’t serve us and glaze over the truth. Follow up next week when I share some information to help you understand those thoughts on your download.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!