Self Coaching Model

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Congratulations! You have made it to week 7 of this seven-part series, where we have been doing a deep dive into the self-coaching model, the very first tool I teach all of my clients. You having this tool means you will be able to start doing your own self-coaching, which is never a replacement for working with a live coach, but helps you get through those spaces between sessions. For the past seven weeks, I have taken each piece of the model, explained it, and shared some weekly homework to help you better understand how each piece works. Having a better understanding of each piece allows you to have a better understanding of the whole model once you start putting it together, which is today!

If you happen to be joining this series today, I want to encourage you to go back to week one and take your time to process through each post up to this week. Today we are going to see how the pieces of the puzzle get put together.

The self-coaching thought model consists of five elements that we have discussed in this series and all of which I will briefly overview below. The model looks like this, I have also created a Self-Coaching Thought Model cheat sheet to share with you to better explain:

You have a C (circumstance) in your life.

You have many T’s (thoughts) about that one C, which you will discover in your thought download, put one of the thought from your download into your model.

That specific T (thought) will create a F (feeling). Often it will create many feelings but you will only put the strongest emotion in the F line.

That F (feeling) will make you show up in several ways (A). That F will make you take several different A (actions) and inactions.

The A’s (actions) you take with create a specific R (result) for you.

That R (result) is evidence of your T (thought), always. This is why we focus so strongly on our thinking, how we think about circumstances in our life end up being our result. When we are able to clearly see this result we can start to decide if we like what we are creating and we can stop blaming other people for our results.

The process:

You start with your thought download which is you writing down all of the thoughts in your mind, getting them out of your mind and onto the paper. I shared a document in the Brain Flossing post to help you pull the thoughts out of your brain. Then you take one of the thoughts out of that download, I find it best to pick the most painful thought because it is most likely producing something that I won’t like. You put that thought in the T line. Then it’s very important to determine what the exact circumstance is that you are thinking that thought about. Make sure you take your time with this one, really make sure it is factual, specific, and neutral. Many people want to skip this part but don’t, it’s important to see that it isn’t the circumstance causing the problem, it’s always how we are thinking about the circumstance.

After you come up with the thought you want to look at, decide how that thought makes you feel. I shared a document in the feelings post linked above to help you come up with the strongest emotion that thought generates. It’s very likely that the thought makes you feel several different emotions, just pick one, the one that feels the strongest. You can always go back and run a model on a different emotion, or even a different thought about the same circumstance.

Next, I want you to take your time and write down all of the actions and inactions you take from that emotional state you are in when you think that thought about that circumstance. To begin my clients want to write down one or two different actions so they can quickly get to the result but I want to encourage you to come up with as many actions as you can. The more actions you come up with the clearer your result is going to be.

Now see if you can determine your result. Look at all of the actions you are taking, or not taking, and what are you producing for yourself? Look at the thought, does your result resemble the thought you are thinking? Remember that your result in the self-coaching thought model is a result you are creating for yourself. It is never someone else creating your result for you or you creating a result for someone else.

So let’s run through an example just for the fun of it:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband came home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a person and a wife

See how the result ties back to what you are thinking about the fact that he said he’d see you after work and your thought that he never follows through. You end up creating a scenario where you’re not enjoying how you show up and following through.

Know that in each model you will have multiple thoughts going on, including some positive thoughts, go ahead, and do a model on a positive thought. Maybe you also have a thought that he works hard to take care of your family. Let’s put it in a model, making sure to keep the same circumstance:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”. Husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He works hard to take care of our family.

F: Appreciative

A: Text him to see if he knows when he might be home so you can have his dinner warm, give him a hug and kiss when he settles in, ask him good questions about his day, share your day with him, ask him if there is anything you can do to make his evening more relaxing, go about with your evening plans, go to bed as planned, stay focused on yourself, not judging him

R: You work hard to take care of yourself and your family

Now, the thought model is used to help you see the results you are producing as well as feel what your thought is generating for you. One of these two models might be more accurate for you, overpowering the other, let’s say the first model is more true for you. Even though you believe in the second model, you aren’t showing up that way; you are showing up as in the first model. Ask yourself how each model feels, especially the one you are sitting in and why you are choosing that thought over the other. Is that emotional state creating solutions for you, or is it keeping you stuck?

Realizing that it is simply your thought creating this, allows you to decide how you really want to show up when your husband comes home at 8:12 pm, for YOU. The second model helps you to show up 100% differently which then has your husband also showing up differently because he has his own model going on at the same time. You get to find out exactly what happened in his day, you knew about it early and were able to plan accordingly so you could feel good.

Warnings

Note that in the beginning, we will often want to “switch” models in the middle of the model. We’ll come up with the thought – emotion pieces and then as we start thinking about how we show up, we realize that we want to show up differently. We start putting actions in the action line that are coming from a different thought and feeling. Make sure that you are really feeling the current thought and emotion you are working within the model so that you see what result that thought produces for you. It’s not for judgment, it’s a tool to help create awareness for what you are potentially creating for yourself, don’t try to change it and deny something you are actually feeling.

Often when we learn how to create our unintentional models we start to beat ourselves up. We start to see that we are creating results that aren’t moving us forward, results we think are messing our lives up. I want to caution you to not do this. The thought model is an awareness tool, it helps us to see what we are creating in our life and that we are the authors of that creation. When we can see this truth and allow it to sink into our consciousness, we can from there decide if we want to keep the current model or create something different. Creating something different is always an option, that is why this work is so beautiful, it shows you how you are the author of your life.

Action steps

This week start filling out the whole model, use the model worksheet I shared in the Actions Speak Loudly post. These models that you will be creating are unintentional models, they are models that we are creating unintentionally, by default. The first model I shared is an unintentional model, the second one could be your real model or your intentional model. Intentional models are models we are creating intentionally. If that is your real model then you are intentionally creating a great result for yourself!

These models that you are creating this week will help you see the results you are getting from your current thinking. Before we move into creating intentional models, it’s important to let your unintentional models sink in. Really work on feeling what it is creating for yourself and seeing that your unintentional results are produced by your thinking before you go quickly changing it.

As you do this work during the week, make sure that you also do some models on your positive thoughts. With both negative and positive thoughts look at your result and decide if they align with what you want to create in your life.

This week I’m sort of leaving you hanging on a cliff because I haven’t fully finished this series. I decided to wait until next week to help you start creating intentional models because it’s so important to really absorb your current reality, how it feels and that you are the creator of it.

Don’t allow your models to make you feel guilty/ashamed/angry/frustrated or disappointed and definitely don’t judge your models; just allow yourself to become aware. Feel them and come back next week, where I’ll show you how to create the results that align with who you want to be in this beautiful life of yours.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

One Year Later – A Reflection

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

A few days back, while publishing a recent blog, a thought occurred to me. I was thinking about the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and how last year, during that time away, I was in the middle of a challenge, a challenge to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I looked at my website back office, discovering that it was June 24, 2019, that I started that challenge, 94 blog posts later it had been over a year and it is just something I do.

Today I decided to share some of my reflections about how I got to this place. My hope is that in the process it will help you with any goals you have been thinking about but haven’t taken the action needed to get your desired result.

Thinking about your goal

What is it you want to achieve? How long have you been thinking about it? Way too often in my past life, I had a litany of things I wanted to accomplish, I’d create list upon list, stack them up in my head, take a stab here and there to make progress, never really getting anywhere. Sound at all familiar? I hear it over and over with my clients. We spend so much energy up in our heads spinning around, no wonder we think we’re too busy.

Today I want to suggest a new method.

  1. Write down all of the things you want to do, get them out of your head onto paper.
  2. Next, ask yourself these questions: • “What do I want to do?” • “What do I have to do?” • “What do I need to do?” • “What do I wish I would do?” • “What are the consequences of not doing each of these?”
  3. Look at the list and tell yourself this: “I don’t HAVE to do any of this.”, be honest, this is 100% true.
  4. Then cross off anything on the list you don’t want to do.
  5. Now prioritize your list.

Today I am not going to get into goal setting and goal-accomplishing, I just want you to look at that one thing. The one thing that you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t taken appropriate steps to make anything significant happen.

Let’s make it even simpler: What is the one thing you want to be doing that you’re not doing?

I knew I wanted to be putting great content out for my potential clients to get to know me, to start learning from me and to start practicing what I teach. I wanted something more than just social media posts. I had dabbled with a blog in my previous coaching business but was never very consistent; now, I wanted a different result. I wanted to give my people excellent, constant value.

What are your reasons?

Next, look at that one thing that you want to be doing but aren’t and do the following:

  1. Write a list of all of your reasons why you want to accomplish this dream.
  2. What are your reasons for not wanting to accomplish your dream? Make a list.
  3. Look at each list and ask yourself if you like your reasons.

I 100% loved all of my reasons for starting, and continuing a blog. All of my reasons for not wanting to do it were about fear and hiding; I didn’t like those reasons one bit. I knew it would be a lot of work but I also knew that someday I dreamed of having a podcast and that a blog was the perfect way for me to discover my voice while proving to myself that I could do this.

Decide and be all in on your decision.

If your decision is no, or no for now, drop it. Let it go and stop thinking about it. Stop beating yourself up. You don’t like your reasons for doing it so let it go.

If your decision is yes then it’s time to find your compelling reason to make this dream happen. It’s time to stop letting yourself down ahead of time.

What is your compelling reason?

  • Find it
  • Write it down
  • Refer to it often

You heard mine: I want to provide value for everyone who visits my website, people who will never be my client as well as those who will.

Start planning!

Write down all of the obstacles between here and your goal. I had all sorts of them:

  • I had to figure out where and how I was going to publish these articles
  • I had to figure out what I was going to write about
  • I had to build my self-confidence
  • I had to figure out titles, photos
  • I had to figure out how to publish a website
  • I had to create a Facebook business page
  • I had to get over myself and my mind drama

These were just a few of my obstacles, the biggest one being me. My brain, and all of the reasons it came up as to why this was a bad idea, that I should just skip it.

Then I came up with strategies to overcome my obstacles. Those strategies were all the steps I would take to get to my goal; these steps all got planned out on my calendar. The most important strategy was the one of managing my mind with daily self-coaching.

You know what comes next? You just get started.

Every day I looked at my compelling reason and re-committed.

Every day honoring my plan.

Every day managing my mind.

Every day taking time at the end of the day to evaluate what worked well, what didn’t work, and what I was going to do different.

Here is what happens next:

All of a sudden what was once a challenge is now a part of your daily life. I not only reached my goal but surpassed it, daily setting new goals. Now I have a backlog of blogs ready to go, photos curated, social media content curated AND, the most exciting part for me right now, at this moment: I have started publishing an audio version of my blog!

Every day, one step closer to the day on the calendar I have planned to launch my podcast.

I’d love for you to look back to a year ago. What have you committed to and accomplished since that time?

Do you know what might be even better? Make today the day you’re going to do the work I suggested so that you can look back a year from now and give yourself a high five for doing what you said you were going to do. I can’t wait to hear all about, please do share!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

Are you struggling in your love relationships? I would love to help you find true love again. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so that you can create a dynamic relationship with your partner that you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Lessons Learned Around Goal Setting

I’m going to just start off with what New Year’s goal setting used to look like for me:

  • Curling up on the couch New Year’s Day, or possibly some other Friday or Saturday evening in January or possibly even February, because you know, I’m busy!
  • Opening up my journal to the pages I wrote out last year’s goals, noting that it could have been quite possible that these pages hadn’t been visited in, um, well, maybe never since the day they were written on.
  • I’d maybe write some notes on this page detailing, if you can call it that, any progress I had achieve in each goal.
  • After realizing how I had not accomplished to do what I said I wanted to do, I might beat myself up a bit.
  • Pour another glass of wine.
  • Give myself a pep talk about how this year is going to be different.
  • Write down another new, ambitious list, possibly a bit more detailed so as to hope for greater success in the coming year.
  • Close the notebook.
  • Go to bed.

If this sounds any bit familiar to you then read on my friend because there is a much better way.

A way that guarantees an end to your cycle of, truly, wasting your time over good intentions that get left behind.

This plan is way more simple than your brain is going to allow you to believe AND it will get you amazing results of creating your best life ever.

My new goal setting process is a strategic plan that includes managing my mind and it is what got me from just having great hopes of change to actually achieving my dreams.

As I have evaluated my process I want to share my four best tips that will guarantee your goal success, in order of importance, in my opinion.

Constraint.

Just pick one big goal to put your all into.

The one that will make the others irrelevant.

You won’t want to do this but trust me, it is key!

Make it measurable.

You have to have a way to determine if you are making progress.

Math doesn’t lie.

You want it to be very specific and results oriented.

Plan.

Just writing your dreams down, closing the book and maybe taking a peek once in a while is not a plan.

You’ll want to take some time to figure out all of the things that are going to stop you from achieving this goal of yours, write them down.

These are all of your obstacles.

How are you going to overcome these obstacles?

Write all of your ideas down, these are your action steps.

These steps are going to go on your calendar.

Yes, you’re going to decide when you’ll do them and schedule them.

Keeping in your head is not a plan.

Evaluation.

This is probably my favorite part.

Not the part I thought was going to be my favorite.

Sitting down every month, every quarter, and seeing in black and white what I’ve done, what I didn’t do and where those steps got me.

Magic.

Those evaluations revitalized me.

They got me excited, again, about what I was doing in my life.

Now I have a bonus tip that without, makes this, and any goal setting process, unsuccessful.

Mind Management.

The process of working through my self coaching, and having my very own coach show me what is going on in my brain, is what truly makes this process different from any other I’ve attempted.

The best laid out program, strategies with evaluations, mean nothing when we’re unable to look at the results we’re getting and be able to figure out how to get the results we want.

Taking the steps to achieve your impossible goal for the year is a process that will change you and force you to grow into your next best version, or two or three.

Today’s you will never be able to achieve your planned impossible goal but who you become along the way to achieving that goal is the person who can achieve that goal.

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

How To Resolve Goal Failure

I’m going to start this out with complete honesty.

The very BEST way to resolve goal failure is to hire a coach who guides you into changing how you think, not an action based coach.

Without deviating too much off of the topic, an action based coach is a coach that tells you what actions you need to take to move forward. This might work for a while but in the long run, you have to have the right mindset to continue the process. Once you leave that coach and haven’t worked on the root of why you’re not doing what you want to do, then you haven’t changed your brain.

Which means you will go right back to your old way of thinking.

Working with a life coach that works with changing the way you think about things, a coach that teaches you why those thoughts have you showing up the way you do, is life changing.

You will not only start achieving your set goals, you will also start re-wiring how your brain thinks, which means you start changing who you are.

It allows you to fully design the life of your dreams, the life you were created to live.

BUT, until then I want to share some steps for you to start stepping closer to the goals you want to achieve in this life.

Choose only ONE goal to focus on.

Most of you are going to argue with this step.

I argued with this step until I decided to stick absolutely to what my coach was teaching me.

One goal at a time I have moved further ahead in one year than ever, easily quadrupled any goals achieved in any year before this in my life. When I look back at goals in previous years they are very “fuzzy” meaning I never really had a specific goal, goal attainment date or process, I just relied on luck basically and, at a snails pace, maybe improved on a few of them.

Mostly I just gave up, went on with day to day living and just accepted mediocre as the norm.

Put all your energy into on goal, conquer it, move on to the next.

PLAN!

An unplanned goal is a failed goal.

Just like I said in the first step, when you’re not specific about what you want and don’t dial down a plan to learn when you fail, then you really are just failing ahead of time.

Manage your mind.

What happens when the excitement wears off? When the appeal of a new magical program wears off?

You have to manage your mind.

You have to know that your brain is going to tell you this is a bad idea, I mean look at all the evidence you’ve produced that this isn’t going to work.

This is how our brain works.

It wants you to stay in the comfort zone, it wants you to stay comfortable, it recognizes the discomfort of having to push through even when you don’t feel like it as danger.

We are no longer in danger my friends.

Feel the discomfort, re-wire your brain by allowing the discomfort and doing it anyway.

This is where the thought model comes in. Super helpful, go give it a shot.

Periodically evaluate your progress.

Evaluation is what allows us to stay in the game.

We can look at what has been working really well, write it down. Learn from it.

We can look at what hasn’t been working, write it down. Learn from it.

Then we can look at what we might do differently to achieve greater success and keep moving forward. Write it down, stick it on your mirror and learn how to keep moving forward.

This process is going to keep you learning new and exciting ways to succeed with what is important in your life.

I’d love to help show you how this process is different from anything you’ve ever tried and have you experience first hand how life can be so much different than you ever imagined. I can’t wait!

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.