Relationship Scarcity

What is it? That’s what I’m digging into today and let’s start some definitions.

Relationship: our thoughts about someone

Scarcity: insufficiency or shortness of supply

When we marry these two words it set us up for relationships that are never enough. Relationship scarcity sets us up to never feeling great or all in with our relationships, even during times when things seem to be going really well, because, you know, we’re sure to lose it.

When I put these two words together it fully described how I used to think about most, maybe even all, of my relationships.

Relationship scarcity is the belief that there is never enough relationship love in your life.

You think your parents didn’t, maybe still don’t, give you enough love, so you can’t love them back.

Your friends just don’t quite measure up and you keep them at a distance.

You seek attention from people by conforming, or fitting in, fearing people won’t like you, yet you also fear commitment. Instead you put up your walls of protection.

Love relationships start out intense but sooner than later the excitement wears off. You end the relationship before they can to protect yourself from hurting.

Relationship scarcity comes when we expect others to supply us with love, often setting root early on in our lives. Possibly not receiving the love and nurturing you needed as a child which sent you looking for it elsewhere.

Now as adults we have the ability to change course and make our relationships work for us. Yes, it’s truly possible.

When we have a belief that our happiness is supplied by other people it puts the power of the relationship in their hands. When they aren’t doing or saying things that make us feel love or connection then love will always seem scarce.

Some examples of relationship scarcity:

  • Thinking that we don’t have many friends
  • Telling other people all about our other friends, even though we don’t really believe they are our friends.
  • Wanting friends so we look good.
  • Thinking we’re too busy for friends.
  • Complaining that they don’t do the right things so we can feel love.
  • There aren’t enough of the right type of people here for me to make friends.

I want to help you recognize your own relationship scarcity thoughts as well as give you some steps to start overcoming them.

  1. The first step is truly just becoming aware of your relationship scarcity thinking. Start paying attention to when you are doing things in an effort to try and make someone like you. If you complain about how they act after you took those actions, then it’s time to examine your motive behind your actions. Also, start becoming aware of who you are focusing on, are you really listening to them and hearing the positive, or the opposite? Are you desperate for their attention and if you don’t get it do you feel unloved?
  2. Take a look at your belief system. Your belief system is just thoughts you’ve repeated enough times that now they have become a belief. Do you have rules that you believe your friends need to follow in order to be true friends? Does your love for other people come with conditions? Do you have rules for how someone who loves you should act?
  3. Start questioning all of your beliefs. What if it didn’t matter how other people acted, that you could love them no matter what? Can you love people even when they don’t love you back? Do your relationships need to have any rules except that you love them unconditionally? Just question them, examine your answers, ask yourself why and then just make sure you love what you believe.
  4. Learn how to trust yourself. Scarcity comes from not trusting others, from the belief that others can hurt you. The truth is that other people can’t hurt you unless you let them through your thoughts. We can get to the place where we’re able to think such great thoughts about ourselves that it doesn’t matter what anyone else does, it doesn’t have to shake us. Even if they leave and never come back.
  5. Have your own back. This by far is the most important step to overcoming relationship scarcity. Building a trusting, loving relationship with yourself is the first step towards relationship abundance.

From this place you get to decide who you want to be spend time in relationship with. Because our relationships are all of our thoughts about someone, we get to decide what we want to think and how those thoughts serve us.

Relationship scarcity is real but it’s not something that you have to carry along with you. You get to choose whether you want to continue to get the relationship results you’ve been getting or if you want something better for your life. It is 100% possible to become the person who believes they were created for a loving relationship, to go find it, create it and forever live in relationship abundance.

Next week I’m going to explore relationship abundance and show you what life, love and relationship look like on the other side of possibility.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Pushing Past Fear And Insecurity Into Belief

Did you know that I host four retreats a year?

If you didn’t know this there’s probably a good reason and it has to do with my own fear and insecurities. This is going to be fun, let’s dive in!!

First let me start with the definition of retreat.

Retreat: to withdraw from enemy forces; an act of moving back or withdrawing.

I didn’t actually look up the definition of retreat until after my second round and it brought tears to my eyes. You see, I had been struggling with exactly what this retreat would look like, I was afraid, but after reading some definitions I discovered it is exactly what I wanted to create. I wanted to create a safe, comfortable space for women to withdraw to, it needed to include some fun, some community, some quiet alone time and definitely needed to include lots of Mother Nature.

It would require that women come and also have fun, do things they’ve never done before. It would require that they hold fear loosely in their hand but grab on securely to self confidence allowing the fear to slip away.

About one month ago I hosted my first retreat where I had a full group, Summer Retreat Two, full meaning four total, including myself. It was incredible.

This first year of hosting retreats is a year of exploration and today I want to share about my vision.

My vision right now is a bit, should I say, unclear. One year ago, while spending quiet time at my favorite summer retreat location, it was put on my heart to bring other women to a place of retreat.

I used to question thoughts like this because I never trusted myself enough to believe that God would speak to me or that I trusted it was from God and not just my crazy brain coming up with even more crazy ideas.

If you’ve been following me here for a while you know that I take my quiet time seriously. I listen to what God has to tell me through The Holy Spirit, and I’ve learned to trust what I have been asked to do and to move forward.

For most of my life if I “heard” something I ignored it as my crazy brain. I now trust that voice.

But there’s a few more things that I now better understand and trust.

I better understand that if I don’t obey more won’t be given. If I ignore God’s direction and choose my own I’m not listening, which means I won’t hear, which means I won’t be directed.

I also better understand and trust that if it wasn’t from Him that when I face fear with my self confidence and step into action of fulfillment of the dream or direction I hear, that I will be directed to the correct pathway.

If I have a vision and I don’t take bold steps forward, I’ll never know if it was meant to be or not.

If I believe hard enough and boldly step forward I now trust that my directions will come. If what I thought I heard was completely off I will be re-directed and more evolved than if I hadn’t.

If I believe hard enough and overcome my fear with self confidence and trust, I will be shown the truth.

Today during my quiet time I was shown direction, which further solidified my belief that this retreat is right. Further proof that if I boldly, or not so boldly, move forward, that I will be guided.

Today is Freedom Friday and my quiet time brought me to Mark 6:31b where Jesus said “Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”

I hope you’ll consider joining me, it is invitation only meaning I am only inviting three people so message me if you’re interested!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Being Afraid Your New Freedom Won’t Last

“I’m afraid this freedom won’t last.”

It’s something I often hear from my clients and it comes from our old thinking. It comes from looking to our past for our future results.

This work is about re-wiring your brain, creating new thinking, yet, like anything else, we have to continue the work or our old patterning will come back.

As you start to feel and taste your new found freedom, as you feel the weight of the old you fall away, you will never want to go back to your old way of living. You will feel it, recognize it for what it is because it won’t feel good.

My experience was such a beautiful freedom that I knew I would never go back, sort of like when I gave my life to The Lord.

Yet you still want to guard and protect the work you have done by paying attention to old thinking and reminding it that it no longer lives in you.

Let’s compare it to what God gives us in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

When I first memorized this verse I saw myself as the guarder of my heart.

This was of course how I thought about it because that is what I had always done.

I protected my heart and my life with control.

When I started to do this work,

When I started to learn what it felt like to love myself fully and to start letting go of my control of others,

This is when I truly understood that I could let go of guarding my heart because through my partnership with the supreme bodyguard of my heart, I could let go.

The Holy Spirit is the ultimate protector of our heart.

How do we protect this freedom that we are cultivating in our hearts?

We want to choose love on a daily basis.

Choosing love casts out fear, just like God’s perfect love.

Control is rooted in fear.

So to make your freedom last you will make it a daily practice to step into love.

If you want to read further on in your bible, I suggest you read John 15: 1-17

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

When You’re Excluded

Last night I was excluded from a family girls event.

What?!? Can you even believe that?

“They left me out.”

“I must not matter.”

“I’m not important.”

“They don’t like me.”

“Whatever, how rude!”

Yep, it really happened and that’s how I would have reacted in the past. I would have blamed, pouted, felt sorry for myself, beat myself up, been sarcastic, (try to) make everyone feel bad. Of course, if you’ve been following me, we know that we can’t make other people feel bad.

You see, two years ago us Bongiovanni women decided to finally follow through with our Christmas banter about getting together outside of the holidays.

Thanks to my Aunt Mari, we’ve followed through.

Except this year they left me out.

I was actually at a meeting during this get together and after the meeting I had a message from my daughter and a voicemail from my Aunt.

I responded to the text of “Where are you?” with a tapback “?” and then read the transcript from the voicemail and immediately felt a bit sad.

Turns out that the email invitation went to an email that I haven’t used for over 10 years and for a moment I did have a thought that made me feel indignant and cause me to blame and complain. I noticed it, allowed it and then started to look at how this was no big deal.

They went without me and it was awesome.

It was awesome because I got to watch how my new brain handles these new situations, first hand.

I had new thoughts like:

“What a bummer!”

“This is not a big deal.”

“Everything is ok.”

“Nothing has gone wrong here.”

“I am fully worthy, enough, complete.”

You know the best part?

I get the result of loving myself, as well as everyone else, instead of not mattering to myself, or anyone else.

I love my new brain!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Guilt Explained So You Can Start Stopping It

After hearing my master coach instructor Jody Moore explain guilt in a plain and simple fashion, my mind exploded a bit. I compared it to how I experienced guilt and then I quickly went on a mission to terminate my ongoing relationship with guilt.

Guilt is when you have two different things you want to do at the same time, choosing to do one and then feeling guilty that you didn’t choose the other.

Have you committed to doing one thing and now regret your decision, causing you to think about backing out? This too could cause guilt but I would beg you to consider why you originally agreed to the commitment. Did you agree out of a place of wanting to make the other person happy? If so, you may want to read my article on people pleasing. If you’re not wanting to do something you committed to maybe something has changed for you between the commitment and now, in that case you could save yourself time and energy by either declining or just following through.  Otherwise it’s quite possible that you agreed out of a place of wanting that person to like you for saying yes to them.

This used to happen to me all of the time and of course I was a people pleaser on top of it all so I would say yes to things I didn’t truly want to do, then of course when they rolled around I would not want to go and then feel guilty about it.

In order to help you understand what happens I’m going to run through an example:

It’s Friday and your girlfriend sends you a message asking if you want to go to dinner after work. It’s sounds like an amazing idea, you haven’t seen her in forever. Then you remember that you had been planning on heading straight home to your lounge clothes and snuggling up with that good book you started last week.

Let’s pretend you say no, you go home after work, and feel guilty about not saying yes to the dinner date.

Let’s do a thought model on this scenario:

You’re thinking “I should have said yes” which is causing you to feel guilty, which makes you ruminate about what you should have done, beat yourself up for not being a good friend, not enjoy your book or the couch or your evening at all, you maybe even think about sending her a message to see if the offer is still valid.

Result: you say no to you.

When I see myself doing this sort of silly nonsense I stop that nasty guilt right in it’s tracks and start changing my model. Let me show you how:

I decide that I want my result to be that I say yes to me in this scenario.

In order to get this result I decide to be all in with this decision, stop wasting time and energy ruminating and beating myself up, do what I said I was going to do and enjoy it thoroughly and find time in the future to create an amazing time with my girlfriend.

In order to follow through with these actions I will need to feel something like self confident, courageous, self love.

To feel self confident I will need to think something like “I am going to follow through on my original plan.”

Using the thought model to help me see the result of my thoughts helps me clean up my brain and start thinking in a way that gives me the results that I want in my life.

This is how you start getting out of your own way.

I hope this helps you to be able to look at how guilt is playing out for you in your life and then allow you to also start eliminating it.

If you struggle with guilt and feel like you would like further help stepping out of it, I would love to walk you through it, I’ve got you! Set up a program inquiry session or send me an email with your questions. I make it my mission to help people like you set themselves free from guilt so they can move into their purposeful life.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Four Ways To Tell If You’re A People Pleaser & Steps To Stop

I was the biggest people pleasers out there, often doing things for other people. I thought I could make other people happy. I thought I could make other people like me by saying yes to them.

One of my problems is I also love to get involved in all sorts of things but this used to come at the expense of the things I valued the most.

Constraint has helped me a whole lot in this area. Now when I’m asked if I want to do something instead of jumping all over it because it sounds like so much fun, I take a moment to think about my time and what I’m really focusing on at the moment.

Let’s look at some ways to tell if you’re a people pleaser and then let’s look at ways to start being a you pleaser.

You say yes because it sounds like an amazing opportunity but you are in dread when you think about it.

There is a possible mixed bag of things going on here and it’s important for you to unpack it.

First I’d like to encourage you to work on your decision skills. As a people pleaser, you may want to tell the asker that you’ll get back to them so that you have some time to truly decide what you want to say. Then give them a time deadline of when you’ll get back to them and honor that deadline. Please make sure that you are all in with your decision, love your reasons either way.

Once you love your reasons continue to remind yourself of those reasons. As the event approaches and you’re finding yourself regretting your choice remember your all in decision and be all in. If it was a no and you’re finding yourself regretting not attending then again remind yourself of your all in decision to say no, love it and be all in on whatever else it is you chose to do at that time.

If your answer is no, really start working on just saying no without excuses. It’s completely ok to say that you’re not able to help out if it’s just for this time and you want to be considered for the future then say that, but ONLY if you mean it.

You offer to do things for people that you really don’t want to do.

This was a problem for me in my marriage because I did things to get love in return for what I did. What happens here is that of course, people can’t make you feel love, that comes from within yourself. Eventually what happens is we start to resent the other person because they’re expecting you to keep doing what you always did. You now stop doing what you always did and the other person is completely confused, with you having the result of resenting yourself.

Make sure your offer is coming from a place of love from within yourself, not for the reaction of the other person. When you do this you get the result of creating love for yourself because you’re doing what you really want to do.

Stop and ask yourself before you decide to do something for someone if you are doing it from a place of love for yourself, with absolutely NO expectations from the other person. This is not people-pleasing, this is self-love.

You have a difficult time ending a conversation or leaving a party.

I am waving my hand high here because this had ALWAYS been a problem for me! What would happen is I would stay on the phone longer than I wanted, get resentful, and then I’d end abruptly. Same at parties, as a matter of fact sometimes I would even ditch without saying goodbye. This my friends is all about people-pleasing by completely attempting to control what people think of you.

My suggestion for stepping out of this one is to be super intentional. Make a phone call to someone, decide how long you’ll talk, and then honor yourself with your decision. If you stay on the phone longer decide to do it out of love for yourself, maybe you’re really enjoying the conversation and want to stay on. Again: love your choice.

At parties visualize telling the host goodbye and just do it. Be uncomfortable. Thank them for inviting you and let them know what a great time you had. They may be sad that you’re leaving, it’s ok, staying won’t make them happy, it will be their thoughts that will make them happy. Again, if you choose to stay later, love your reasons, and don’t go into resentment, fully love yourself along with the reasons you choose to stay.

You guys, I love all of this and helping all of you see how your actions may not truly be coming from a place of true love in yourself but from trying to find love outside of yourself. This just doesn’t feel good, it always leaves us feeling empty.

Honoring ourselves and following through with what we say we’re going to do builds trust and love in ourselves and truly sets us free to love others unconditionally. This is true freedom my friends.

If you want to work on your journey to self freedom on a level that creates a massive change in your life then let’s find time to talk. God has created the perfect path in my life to understand everything you are going through in your struggles. I want you to know it’s ok, your life can start brand new today and I can’t wait to watch you fly free.

Book your free consult session here or send me an email with some days and times that will work for you. Once you start you will never turn back.

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Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!