No More Silent Treatment

Silent treatment is what I would call wordless punishment or quiet aggression, where we are attempting to demonstrate how awful the other person is, of course in an effort to prove our superiority. It might look like us excluding or ignoring someone in an effort to punish or manipulate them.

Interestingly enough, silent treatment might not seem on the outside like physical punishment, yet the brain’s interpretation of silent treatment is incredibly similar.

It may also look like one person trying to communicate and the other responding with silence or emotional distance often ending with each partner often blaming the other for how they are feeling and ultimately, how they are acting.

Silent treatment is not to be confused with taking intentional time to withdraw, reflect and process what is going on for yourself. This use of time would be communicated from a place of love and compassion of self, not from a negative place.

So the question I want to dig into today is why do we use the silent treatment tactic and how do we stop this destructive behavior?

Let me start by being 100% vulnerable in disclosing that I used to be a silent treatment abuser. I often forget about this tactic until I see it being used by others or when it comes up in a coaching session. When I look back at my use of the tactic, along with the process of letting it go, I can clearly see some of the facts for me:

  • Silent treatment was a learned behavior
  • It allowed me to feel like I was controlling the situation, though in reality the opposite was true
  • It kept me feeling protected
  • It kept me from being vulnerable and honest
  • It kept me from really looking into what was bothering me and learning how to express that
  • It limited me from learning how to problem solve
  • It allowed me to avoid and resist emotion which kept me from evolving/growing/learning how to love

Mostly I thought it was a way to protect myself.

Let’s start with looking at the possibility of your behavior being a modeled behavior. It’s quite possible that someone in your formative years taught you this behavior and though you didn’t appreciate being the recipient of the behavior, you now find yourself doing exactly what you said you’d never do. If this is the case it will never be constructive for you to blame that person, which will only have you falling back into more actions you don’t want to take. We can acknowledge, use it as data and start the process of unlearning the behavior so you can treat yourself the way you desire, such beautiful news.

Awareness is the first step to change.

It’s also possible that silent treatment seems to have worked for you as a form of protection and a way to get out of confrontation, leading you to use it over and over. Now you’ve created a habit of how to deal with difficult situations that gets you nowhere, never really dealing with the situation. Instead you just add to the pile of unresolved conflict in your mental storehouse.

Here are four steps to stop using the silent treatment as a way to cope with conflict and learn how to become more effective in your love relationships:

Start observing your behavior.

This will start with you assessing what happened after you have fallen into the silent treatment pit. The great thing here is that you have time because you’ve chosen not to talk, so grab a pencil and notebook, go to a room by yourself, shut the door and start processing by asking yourself a few questions:

  1. What exactly was happening before you decided to use the silent treatment as a way to cope? List all of the facts: what exactly was being said by whom, what time was it, what was happening before the situation. Remember that facts have no drama or emotion, they are exact words spoken, exact actions taken, no adverbs or adjectives.
  2. What emotion was coming up for you? If you can’t name the emotion then close your eyes and feel what vibrations are going on in your body, describe them in detail.
  3. Why do you think you were feeling this way? Write down all of the reasons.
  4. What might you have been thinking during this time?
  5. What actions did you actually take and why? What words did you speak? What did you do or what didn’t you do?
  6. Write it all out in your notebook, write down the truth of what is going on in your brain, even the ugly. When you’re done you can shred it.
  7. What result are you getting from all of the actions you are taking? Write down all of YOUR results as you see them.

All of this is increasing your own awareness of what is happening for you and why, all in an effort to learn, grow and overcome. DO NOT allow yourself to answer with “I don’t know.”, guess if you have to, ask yourself this powerful question: “If I did know the answer, what would it be?” This exercise is not about looking at the other person and why they are causing your state of mind, though you can certainly write that down because it will create more awareness for you, but it is never true. Other people do not create our state of mind, don’t make them that powerful, we do.

How do you want to behave?

After you do the above practice start asking yourself how you want to show up and why. Chances are that you won’t be able to play out your desired scenario in real life yet, this is part of the practice, but know that creating the scenario of how you want to show up in real time will take patience, practice and a lot of vulnerability. Start with one step at a time, by doing this work, and know that you are moving forward. Right now it’s important for you to have a vision of how you actually deal with conflict.

With consistency, you will start to see what is happening in the middle of it, possibly even starting to withdraw from a place of introspection instead of manipulation. Once you start to get to this point it will be good to express to your partner what is happening for you and that you need some time to process. Then go to a quiet space and work through the above questions again, at this point you might even be able to start creating unintentional models of what is happening for you.

Start seeing the scenario unfold in front of you.

The third phase allows you to start watching what happens for you from a place of curiosity. You get to start really seeing your unintentional models and start taking steps towards your ideal intentional models by playing around with some intentional thoughts. These intentional thoughts will create emotions that allow you to start changing old behavioral patterning.

I describe this phase as being in the middle of the river of misery. There will be times when you are feeling amazing with the progress you are seeing, but then there will be times where you unintentionally fall back into old patterning. Sort of like rafting down a tumultuous river, there will be times you think you’ve got this, you’re navigating the river and having fun. Then all of a sudden it appears as though everything is out of control and that you’re going to die, your float topples over while you are forced under the surface. The good news is that as you do this work, and step away from old thought patterning, you will start to see your successes more than your “failure”, you will actually start seeing what you used to call failure as opportunity to grow, learn and improve.

Now it’s time to start moving into your future self.

This is when you will start experiencing true change. You start seeing yourself as the person who you’ve been dreaming of, the person who verbalizes your feelings, sees your thoughts and knows how to think to get the results that align with the person you are becoming. You start talking out loud and problem solving for yourself. You start creating the results that you want to create in your life.

The process of changing from someone who shuts down, tries to control others while only hurting themselves, to one who deliberately chooses how they want to think, feel and act is one of the most powerful things you will ever accomplish. It keeps you from being stuck in powerless states of blame, resentment and lack of control while being able to open up to love and compassion.

If you struggle with not being able to see how to get out of this patterning I encourage you to start by taking the steps in this post. If you want further help with getting out of disempowering emotional states, I would love to share some worksheets to move help you move forward. Another resource is to join me live on my social media channels every week, ask to get coached live or send me your questions and I’ll answer them for everyone to learn.

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Happily Discontent

That seems messed up.

Discontent is a restless desire for something one does not have.

How can you be happy when you’re discontent? Seems like the opposite should be true.

This week I found happiness in my discontent so I thought I’d share it with you.

In the beginning of this week, I noticed that I wasn’t all in on what I had planned out for my week.

My brain wanted to rebel and tell me I needed to do something different.

Then I realized something.

I realized that I felt the same way about last week and I realized that last week I was excited when I thought about this week, until it came to taking the actions I had scheduled myself to do.

So interesting!

Last week was a week of going out in the world and meeting with people, lots of people. The week did not include time at my desk “getting things done”. I had planned this week out several weeks ago, with strategic intention, yet all my brain could tell me in the moment is how I should stay in the office and “get things done”, it told me to just stay home and go to the meetings next time. When I thought of the week ahead, my thought was “I’ll be able to get things done.” and I did indeed, have my calendar charted out to get things done.

Until Monday morning came and I faced the scheduled tasks where my mind was telling me that they really weren’t that important, rest and procrastination would be so much better.

Alas, I’m on to this primitive brain of mine!

So, how do we get ourselves to follow through with our commitment ahead of time?

That’s what I’m talking about today as I take a deeper look at what we’re creating for ourselves and how to turn it around so that you don’t just cave into your primitive desires.

  1. The first step is awareness. Just start to notice this pattern in your life and be curious about it. Expect it. Your brain is always wanting to protect you and steer you towards the simple, more pleasurable choice. Remembering this IS always the choice you can take but will you like the results it produces for you?
  2. Ask yourself what reasons you had ahead of time for where you are right now. When we plan things out ahead of time, we do so with our best intentions, like the meal plan that will get us to the goal we have of losing 25 pounds. Remind yourself what those reasons were and what result these actions are going to get for you when you delay gratification. Also ask what result you will get when you choose ease, comfort and pleasure by seeking immediate gratification.
  3. Ask yourself if you really like your reasons. Be honest. If you planned with intention, you have an ultimate result you’re hoping for by taking those actions. If you allow your primitive brain to run the show you’ll never get a result that allows you to assess your next step. If you find you don’t like your reasons then ask yourself why. Are you telling yourself to do said actions because everyone else is? Are you doing them to make someone else happy? This will never work. I want to challenge you to do you and be all in on your why.
  4. Think about the result you’ll get when you delay gratification, see #2.
  5. How will you feel when you give in to immediate gratification? See #2 again.

Lastly, I’d like to suggest that you plan your schedule at LEAST 24 hours in advance, with intention and love your reasons. As we get closer and closer to the time we said we’d do something our primitive brain will start kicking and screaming – harder and louder.

All you have to do is buckle it into the car seat and tell it you hear it, but today you’re going to choose you.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

When Others Treat Us Poorly

One sentence can change your problem into a neutral circumstance, literally.

During a recent coaching session, my coach asked the following question:

“Do you want your circumstance (which was a person in this example) to choose your thoughts and pour that emotion into your body?”

It only took about a split second to answer that question, I absolutely knew I didn’t want to give that power to this person!

Let the heavens open because freedom from blame, resentment, guilt and a desire to “pay them back” disappeared in that moment. From this place, I was able to step into my more evolved self and decide how I wanted to feel, with intention.

It’s what I teach my clients every day and it is so much fun! I love the look of relief when a person realizes how to take their power back.

Let me fill you in with my story around what I was getting coached on, it’s possible my story might help you find relief in your own story.

Imagine a weekend being spent relaxing in a beautiful place, with the people you love.

I had gone into the weekend choosing love from my higher self and committing to really watching my mind around all things that could potentially cause a mental spin out.

You see even the people we love, and usually the ones we love the most, or are working on loving the most, can cause us to derail…wait, let me back up…THEY don’t cause us to derail.

No one can cause you to derail.

They do something, you have a thought about that something, it’s that thought that would cause you to derail.

Maybe one of these people were with me on this weekend, in this beautiful place 😉, now you see why I had my commitment to watching my thoughts.

Throughout my wonderful weekend, I allowed myself to self coach and really embrace every bit of what was happening.

I even went home with an overall sense of accomplishment and pride knowing I had managed to enjoy my time, not allowing other people’s actions to affect me how I showed up.

Fast forward a few days, sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying conversation with a friend. A friend who had participated in the relaxing weekend with me.

I had thoughts about how she was acting that made be feel a bit curious about what was happening for her, yet I allowed the thoughts to drift away .

But then the words came out, “I have something I want to share with you, something that has been bothering me.”

Sweats set in, blood pulls into my core, thoughts of what could possibly be wrong flood my mind.

Within minutes, while the story was being shared, my brain started bringing up thoughts that generated emotions of anger, unfairness, unworthiness, unlovability, resentment, regret, retaliation…🥵

All around a story of a conversation, about me.

My relaxing weekend was destroyed in an instant.

Sound at all familiar?

Funny thing is that I already had known that the third party person in the story probably felt the way they did. It wasn’t until it was said out loud to me, the confirmation of my suspicions, that I started to have thoughts that seemed like truths.

This my friends is where we get stung, when we see our thoughts as truths.

Old stories of this person, this person I had done so much work to come closer to loving, came flooding into my head.

All the old evidence that produced my old beliefs came right up to the surface.

The me prior to learning how to self coach, prior to hiring my own coach, prior to taking this work and sharing it with you, would have been a hot mess, still, much longer after the actual story occurred.

All resolved in one coaching session.

Put in the past, a non-issue, back to the work I had been doing on learning to love people that “hurt me”.

Moral of the story: It isn’t in our power to change others. When we try, and expect them to change so that we can feel love, we are the only ones who suffer.

You only have the power to control your own thoughts, so that you get the results that best serve you.

We get to choose either belief:

  • The one that only hurts us which is that, “They treat us poorly.”
  • The one that gives us freedom and allows them to be who they are, which might be something like, “They are treating themselves poorly.”

We can believe that we get to feel good, on purpose, and not allow someone else to choose our thoughts and feelings.

I love feeling good on purpose.

Leave the suffering at their doorstep, don’t let it in.
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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Beat The Post Holiday Blues Today

Today is post New Year’s Day, the buzz everywhere seems to be a high energy excitement over starting anew.

Everywhere I look I see tips on how to make this the best year yet.

Focus on the new, leave the old behind.

Who’s on board?

As I ease back into work I had, with intention, planned on taking the past two days to review this past year, self coach and plan.

Can I be brutally honest?

Day 1 was rough.

Mostly self coaching.

I had a morning of thought downloads and models, around all things holidays, and my brain just had a bit of an incredible summarization of it all.

I had this beautiful picture in my head of what Christmas looked like, in my mind, as we approached December 25.

It was a picture of peace and shimmery perfection. Presents arranged in an orderly fashion under the tree. Stockings hung on the chimney with care.

The morning of Christmas coming quietly and gently.

Like a fairy tale.

Sort of like the Bible story of our Savior.

I had done the work I do, and teach, of self coaching around all of the upcoming potential relational sticky situations.

I felt confident about what the coming days would bring and how I would get through them.

Then there is the gradual unraveling that occurs as the presents are dispersed.

The boxes are unwrapped.

Within minutes the serene beauty dissolves into a pile of boxes, bubble wrap and shredded wrapping paper strewn in a pile in the center of the room.

My mind likened this picture to what can happen in a moment, even when we’ve perfectly prepared our minds. We’re left sitting in a mental messy pile, re-hashing Aunt Sally’s words, blaming Uncle Al for ruining the meal with his disgusting jokes and creating even more of a messy mess as we gossip about people who aren’t able to join the celebration.

Then everyone goes back to their homes.

Everyone goes back to their same old, same old.

Leaving our brains empty and confused.

Much like our homes of Christmas undone.

As I write this post so much more is coming into my brain about how this vision parallels the whole meaning of Christmas and the birth of Christ. How He came to save us from what we’ve undone. It’s actually quite beautiful. <pause, take a deep meditative breath, continue on>

If you, like me, struggle with the transition back into life as we know it, then you’re not alone my friend.

In year’s past I would envy people who seemed to be able to wake up after it all and just move on, right into the next thing.

I’m now convinced that these people are rare and either doing a fantastic job with their own self coaching or, most likely, battling the inner battle of not taking the time to process their emotions, pushing it all deep down only to erupt sometime in the future.

I can now easily see, after a day of allowing transition, not fighting it, and self coaching, the process doesn’t need to be such a mess.

Maybe there is freedom in just allowing the mess.

Ok, not just maybe, there is complete freedom in allowing it all.

Let me see if my past post Christmas scenario is anything like yours:

  • Weeks of buffering
  • Weeks of pretending I was all in on my goals
  • Weeks of ruminating over what was

If you find yourself overeating the stale holiday delights, ruminating over words said at the Christmas party, out spending the blues away, beating yourself up over indulgences that you shouldn’t have indulged in, then let me give you some hope.

It does not have to be this way.

You can believe that a better option is available for you.

Doing the work of self coaching, working through sticking points with your coach and allowing all of the emotions, both the positive and the negative, will allow you to move through all of the pain.

This work will clean up the mess.

It will replace the emptiness with all of the things that fill you up.

If you have a mixed bag of getting traction with the new you while still letting the ghost of Christmas past sit on your shoulder, I want to invite you to join me on the journey to your true you.

When you learn how to live the life you were created to live, you start to let go of the old habits that keep you stuck in the past.

You drop the dead weight holding you back and get to move into the life you only thought could be a dream.

Let me show you how to make that dream your real life this year because it’s 100% possible, all you have to do is decide to be all in on you.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Observations About The Negative 50%

I have to admit, I’ve had several months of mostly the positive 50.

What I mean by this is that though I do experience negative moments/times during this time I’m calling the positive 50, overall, when I summarize my day it’s a net positive. Meaning I’m carrying a general positive atmosphere.

Then the cloud rolled in.

“No problem.” was my thought; I know how to self coach, this will be easy.

Then the cloud got bigger, darker.

The more I self coached the deeper I seemed to get into the net negative.

“Interesting.” I thought.

Allowing feelings.

One of my pieces of work in my own self coaching is learning how to allow feelings.

With several positive emotions I have noticed I feel them coming on and I watch myself squash them.

With negative emotions, well, I’m working on these in a different way. For me, I find that I just don’t feel many of the negative. I resisted them for so long that I have forgotten how they feel.

This is my work.

This is the work I do with my clients.

As I work through this negative bump in the road I’ve noticed something.

I have noticed the exact opposite of what I’ve been experiencing the past several months.

I’m noticing the net negative and that’s our conversation for today.

What exactly is the “net negative”?

So glad you asked!

These net negative days are similar to those positive days I talked about earlier, but exactly the opposite. At the end of the day when I’m summarizing my day, I have noticed that the negative has almost swallowed up the positive in the day.

Sort of like the beautiful moments of sunshine on a dark, cloudy day, we forget about them.

At the end of these days my brain wanted to tell me how awful everything was.

I had to ask it what was amazing about the day.

It was only after asking this questions that I realized there was so much to celebrate:

  • Social time with beautiful friends
  • Social time with family
  • Loving community and conversation
  • Many deeds done

But yet it was still the net negative summarizing the day.

You know what is different about my net negative days now?

  • I know how to process through them
  • I am learning how to be curious about them
  • I’m learning how to allow the emotions instead of fighting them, resisting them, acting out on them, judging them
  • I’m enjoying watching what is going on in my brain, knowing this too shall pass

Dark days are going to come my friend and when they do, how do you want to handle them?

Do you want them to consume you, pulling you down into a deep hole?

Do you want to be able to watch them like an interesting movie? Being able to process them and find the beauty in the beast?

Me? I prefer the latter. It feels so much better and it allows me to see the clouds for what they are so that when the sun does shine I can run free in it.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

One Reason Why You Haven’t Solved For Joy, Love and Purpose In Your Life

This year has been interesting for me.

As I launch this new business of mine I’m not paying myself a salary for the first year, I’m investing everything back into the business.

You know what that means? No money to spend. You know what that means? I get to watch what happens in my brain when I want to seek pleasure through a retail purchase.

That’s fun.

It’s also been an interesting, liberating experience.

I have been watching my mind around wanting to seek pleasure through some sort of purchase. A purchase that will leave me empty and left with my original emotion that put me in that search. A purchase that leaves me with yet another “object” in my possession that I really, truly do not need.

When we seek pleasure from outside of ourselves it’s always a fleeting experience, it leaves you empty, joyless.

When you learn how to create joy and love from within, that is when your purpose and fulfillment can be found.

This mind work I have also done around overeating and over drinking.

First, let me explain what I mean by “overeating” and “over drinking”. What I mean by these two terms may not be what you are envisioning, it basically means eating or drinking when I don’t want, or need, to. It might even be eating a carrot when I really don’t need one. This example may seem a bit odd but we’ll keep moving forward. You see I used to drink, often when I said I wouldn’t, to make myself feel better. Then when I would drink I would get mad at myself for drinking because I had told myself I wasn’t going to.

I also used to eat food to feel better, until of course, after eating the food and feeling something like regret.

I no longer drink for pleasure, actually, I hardly ever drink unless I plan it ahead of time.

I also very seldom eat for pleasure and when I do I break it down and look at why I did so I can learn moving forward.

When you start doing the work of eliminating pleasure at your own expense, you actually have to start feeling, and dealing with, your emotions.

Pleasure is something we are wired to seek, yet in today’s society pleasure is a drug. We avoid negative emotion through a pleasurable activity that allows us to escape temporarily, but leaves us empty and often full of regret.

So we seek it some more.

When you have no money to spend, what is left is your emotions. When you don’t overeat or drink you don’t use those temporary pleasures to deal with whatever is coming up for you.

You’re just left with yourself and the emotion.

Without the activities that allow us to avoid our feeling, we’re left with our brain to figure out what is going on for us and how we want to process it, like an adult.

We then have a choice.

Will we stay stuck in the negative emotion and feel sorry for ourselves?

It’s an option.

There is another option though. That option is to explore those emotions. To discover the root of those negative thoughts and decide what you want to do with them.

Do you want to indulge in them or do you want to start doing what it takes to change them?

It’s a choice you get to make.

Joy is always available but not when you’re seeking pleasure to solve for it.

Joy comes from inside of you.

Joy comes from making the conscious choice to change.

Joy comes from being all in on you.

Once you start finding joy from within, that’s when meaning, purpose, and fulfillment start to bloom like a beautiful rose.

That’s when you start honoring your true self.

That’s when you Awaken(YourTrue)You and start designing a life of love, joy, and purpose.

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My Awaken(YourTrue)You program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer a free call to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. It’s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.