How To Process Those Emotions Ep 23

How To Process Those Emotions | Relationship Coach

I talk a lot about processing emotions and the value that comes out of this process. I have promised to share my process, and today I am delivering on that promise. Today I am going to explain why processing emotions is so important, the how of my process; I am going to take you through the actual process so if you have something you ever want to work through, you can save this episode and come back to it, and then I’m going to share how you can benefit from this process. Let’s dig into how to process emotions!

Why processing emotions is important

As I have shared so many times, emotions are important signals with a whole lot of information packed into them. Our brain sends signals to our body, or our body will send signals to our brain; either way, we experience a response in our bodies. Oftentimes we attempt to fix those feelings we are feeling in our body with our brain by trying to figure things out, but how many times have you actually figured it out with your brain? More times than I can count, we instead push that emotion away and attempt to power through, ignoring the message it has for us.

When we can take some time to pause and listen to what it is, the emotion is telling us many things occur. We create awareness around why the emotion is there and what it is trying to tell us, and then we can let the emotion go. Instead of it being stored in our bodies as a stress response, only to pop up again when a similar signal comes through, we flush it out and can thank it for being there. We can thank it for the information it brought us, giving us insight into how we might want to move forward.

What processing emotions is and how I do it

My process for processing emotions is quite simple and can take as little as a minute but more often between 5-10 minutes, and you can do it anywhere. Personally, I prefer to go to a quiet room and take as long as I need, especially for potent emotions, emotions that are keeping me from being fully present with whatever it is I want to do. It is similar to meditation but with the specific purpose of listening to the emotion and letting it be heard, calming the nervous system down. If I don’t have the time or space for a longer meditation and I am feeling full of emotion, I will take a minute or two to get quiet, listen and honor the emotion, which will often bring me a bit of awareness so that I can continue knowing that I will create space to dig deeper at a later time. Sometimes a minute or two is all I need to let it go.

Now I will invite you to close your eyes as I do the same, and I am going to take you through my process. Listen to the episode where I lead you through. I have also written a post that talks about how to start feeling your emotions for those struggling to feel emotion: How To Start Feeling Your Emotions. In this post, I list several questions that will help you describe how your emotion feels in your body, which is part of the process I lead you through in this episode.

Learning from the process

First, you will want to practice. It’s possible nothing happened for you the first time; maybe you weren’t in a space where you were able to relax and take the practice to a level that appeared to be helpful. Do it again and again when you notice an emotion keeping you stuck; your body will speak to you with time and practice, which brings me to the second way to learn.

Listen. You have to get quiet and listen. You have to trust your body to tell you exactly what you need at the moment; it’s your body; as you start listening to it and opening up to it and honoring what it tells you, you’ll get better at the practice.

Trust and be open. Remember that the brain is part of the body and that it is meant to work together. There is a reason you feel pain when you stub your toe; there is also a reason why your stomach is turning upside down right before that presentation. The better you get at listening to and understanding these responses, the better you will utilize them to create what you want in your life and marriage.

When you feel stuck in an emotion, maybe when you have a conflict with your partner, and you can’t let it go, one of the best ways to move through it instead of spiraling into it is this practice. Let the body communicate with the mind to learn and move forward with your own inner wisdom and insight.

If you are curious about this process and would like to work together on an emotion that you can’t seem to let go of, I want to encourage you to book a free coaching session to take you through this powerful process.


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Why Your Husband Isn’t Making You Frustrated Ep 18

Why Your Husband Isn't Making You Frustrated | Relationship Coach

I frequently talk about how other people can’t make us feel a certain way. They can’t make you feel loved, valuable, angry, annoyed, certain, silly, unloved, or frustrated. It’s 100% ok if you disagree with me because there are times when I will argue with myself about this fact. Well, actually, when I think about it intellectually, I am well aware of the fact that my thinking about a person or a circumstance is what makes me feel a certain way, but when in the middle of an emotional experience, it is often easy to forget all logic, jump in the deep end of the pool and start fighting for our belief that if other people would behave differently, we could feel better. So today, I want to talk about how to own your emotions to see why your husband isn’t making you frustrated.

There are still times when Jeff does something, and off my brain goes, it forgets everything I know and does what I’ve taught it so well to do, which is to defend and protect myself. So what I do not want to do here is discourage you from digging into what I am going to talk about today because there is a significant difference between the result I get now and the result I used to get, so follow along.

This work that I share with you every week is work that evolves, and it’s work that you will never quit doing unless you want to quit growing and improving your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your partner. I say that to help you understand that old engrained thoughts will continue to pop up once in a while, expect them. Still, as you incorporate the practices I share with you each week, you’ll begin to recognize these thoughts as old, allowing you to let them go instead of reacting in ways that don’t serve you and your relationship.

Let’s first dig into the why behind the truth that your husband isn’t making you feel frustrated or any other emotion you might be feeling when you think about your partner and what they say or don’t say, do, or don’t do. To do this, I’d like you to think of someone besides your mate because we have higher expectations of how they should show up in our life when it comes to our mates. We expect them always to support us, always do what would feel good to us at the moment, and never do the childish things they do. So we have a higher set of standards for our partners, and it takes more laser focus to do this work on our closest relationships. So do the practice on less vulnerable relationships before digging in with your partner.

Let’s look at a girlfriend who has told you that she won’t have time to go on your yearly girl’s weekend because she will be spending it with her new boyfriend. You think you are frustrated and angry because of what she has told you, but the truth is that her words are not making you feel anything. How do I know that? I know that because she could say these same words to all of the other girls that go on your weekend trip and your husband, your mom, her mom, her boyfriend, and they would all have an array of different feelings. How can that be? The reason people feel different emotions around the same circumstance because they are all having different thoughts about the very same words.

It is our thoughts about someone’s words, lack of words, actions, or lack of actions that make us feel a certain way. For example, some women might have a girlfriend say the same words around their girl’s weekend and feel relief because they think that they don’t have it in them to organize girl’s weekend again this year. Another woman might feel sadness for the girl who chooses her new boyfriend over the girl’s weekend because she’s been there and done that, thinking that this might be a decision she will regret. Another girl might feel envy over this friend’s words because she is thinking how nice it would be to have a boyfriend that she would want to skip girl’s weekend over.

Get what I mean? Each of our emotions is generated by something we are thinking; sometimes, we don’t recognize a thought between the circumstance and the feeling because it is a practiced and quick response. We have practiced blaming others for how we feel; we don’t know how to own our feelings, recognize that we are creating them, and don’t see how disempowering it is to put our emotional health in the hands of others. The good news I have for you is that as you start practicing owning your emotions, you’ll get better at seeing the difference between the circumstances and the thoughts we think about them; that’s why I call this work a practice. As a gymnast, it’s the work of practicing, testing, practicing, testing, and never deciding to quit the practice, trusting that you will continue to grow and understand the more you practice.

Step one to owning your emotions

Start paying attention to when you feel any type of emotion, good or bad, and then see if you can describe how it feels in your body. Like when describing a headache or an upset stomach, describe how the emotion is showing up in your body. You can ask yourself questions like:

  • Where is this emotion located in my body?
  • Is it hot, or is it cold?
  • Bright or dark?
  • Fast or slow?
  • Smooth or rough?
  • Does it have a color?
  • Is it pulling in or expanding outwards?
  • Is it energetic or lazy?

These questions help you identify with what is happening in your body, and then you can ask yourself what this feeling is making you want to do? You can also ask why you are feeling this emotion and pay attention to how you respond. For example, are you blaming someone else by telling yourself that you feel this emotion because of what someone else said or did? If so, you know this is a lie. Then ask yourself what you think about what they said or did; this will clue you in to why you are feeling the way you are. You can also learn more about how to start feeling your emotions in this article I wrote: How To Start Feeling Your Emotions.

Step two to owning your emotions

The second step is simply noticing what is happening for you and why; it is about creating awareness in your body and in your mind. Your body is trying to tell you something, and instead of using your mind to retaliate and fix this circumstance, I want to recommend you tune into your body first. As you start to create awareness, you will notice that you will often still fall into the emotional trap of letting other people’s actions create how you feel; it’s ok. Remember what I said earlier? We have years of experience acting the way we have always acted; we have created automated responses. For me, I had fifty years of patterning to change, and that isn’t something that changes overnight. I like to think of this work just like all of the other work you have done in your life. As you start practicing and commit to the discipline of learning how to feel better and owning your emotions, you will notice a snowball effect; it will not take you an equal amount of time to change the patterning; our brains are smarter than that!

With time and consistency, though, like any good practice you have established in your life, it will become an automated process to where you don’t even notice that you are responding differently. With that said, there will still be times, after you have automated your practice, where old patterning shows up, a glitch in your brain’s neurotransmitter sequence that all of a sudden has you thinking old thoughts. I want to share that this isn’t something that should cause you to feel despair, though, because once you have started doing this work, you recognize the thought error and use your tools to change the sequence, again further ingraining your new thought sequence.

Step three to becoming the person who can let go of what other people do and decide on purpose how you want to feel

Discipline. You have to be committed to the discipline needed to create a life practice. To be willing to feel awful and know that through the awful is something better. The more you practice, the more you will notice how other people’s actions aren’t bothering you and how you can show up for them from a place of curiosity or compassion instead of judgment.

Every time you notice yourself feeling some emotion that has you withdrawing, holding in, acting out, or any other way that doesn’t serve your best interest in the relationship, you know that you will get through this and have the tools to work through the emotion. You have learned how to be aware of the emotion, feel the emotion and understand why it is there, allowing you to decide what you want to do with it.

The next best step to take in this process is having a coach help you do this work. I know for certain that I could never be where I am without the help of my coach; she helps me see what it is that is going on inside of me, what is blocking me from moving forward so that I can get a clearer vision and make a choice that better serves me.

If you are struggling with your marital relationship and can’t quite grasp how to let go of the emotions you think your partner is creating in you; I want to encourage you to schedule a consult call so you can talk about it with someone who knows how to help you move forward. Staying stuck in a place where you can’t see how to change how you feel about what your husband does or doesn’t do to make you feel better is not a fun place. But, I promise that through this place where you are right now is something much better in your marriage. On the other side of this is a marriage that feels better than you have ever felt in your romantic relationship, not a place where you and he expect each other to fill your needs and desires but a place where you want to.

My story might be different from yours, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I know how to help you navigate to the place you want to get to in your marriage. I, too, was in a place where I thought the only way to have a better relationship was to find someone different; many of you think the same way. When you can experience how powerful you actually are in creating a marriage that you love, that’s when your life begins. Are you ready to start living your best life? Let’s do this!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Is Fear Pushing You Apart?

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Lately, I have been exploring the emotion of fear in my own life and how it is holding me back from taking powerful steps forward in my journey to develop the close, loving relationship I desire with my husband. The realization became profound when I was actually observing fear of a different kind, fear around a decision. I discovered how I was making decisions based on fear, meaning I was looking at what could go wrong and basing my decision on which choice would “hurt” the least. When I saw this scarcity/protective thinking, I decided to ask a better question. I decided to ask how my decision could be awesome? How could this decision create amazing abundance in my life?

I want to invite you to join me as I ask some tough questions about why we aren’t doing the things that will actually move us forward faster, getting us the results we want instead of the same old stale results that we aren’t happy with.

Fear might be why you aren’t doing that which you want to be doing, but do you really understand what you are afraid of? In reality, it’s not the emotion of fear that keeps us stuck; it’s more the fear of the emotion that will come up for us if we take that step into the unknown. That step into a place where someone might think something about us, having us thinking something about ourselves that might make us feel stupid or unworthy or unlovable – exposed. The funny thing is that what we’re afraid of feeling is an emotion that we are currently burying because we are already thinking that same thought about ourselves. Confused? That’s ok; let’s dig into it, and let me help clear some things up for you.

Let’s start by looking at the typical areas that I see people repeatedly using as excuses for not creating what they want in their life, especially when it comes to our love relationship.

Fear of the things we have full control over.

Time: Why aren’t you creating time to work on your relationship?

Be honest, answer the question.

Every day people tell me that they don’t have time to work on themselves or their relationship. We are constantly putting ourselves on the back burner until something drastic happens. This “drastic” event now has us putting out fires that could have been avoided had we prioritized our time. The truth is that when things come up that are “musts,” we somehow find the time to get them done. Of course, when the car breaks down, you don’t have time or the money to deal with it, but somehow you figure it out. You have a child, of course, you don’t have time or the money to take care of a child, but somehow you figure it out. You get sick; of course, you don’t have time to get better, but divinely, your body has a way of making the time for you.

What if you allowed the fear to be there while you did that which you know will pay off with a rich reward. Fear isn’t stopping you from taking the time to work on yourself and your relationship with your partner; it’s the emotion that comes up when you actually create the time. The shame you might feel when you think you should be doing dishes or laundry instead, the guilt you feel when you think about how you have “neglected” your relationship, feeling stupid that you don’t know where to start, instead of opening up your phone so you can feel better momentarily.

I believe there is an abundant amount of time to do that which is important to me, and this belief serves me well. Ask yourself how important this relationship is to you; maybe it’s really not that important yet, don’t worry because if you wait long enough, the wrong sort of fire will begin to burn. When it does, you will make the time to do the work. I guarantee that work will be a whole lot more uncomfortable than if you prioritize it now. If you want abundance in your love relationship, then my suggestion is to ask yourself to list all of the reasons that taking 15 minutes every day to work on your love relationship is important to you. How will it be exactly what you needed to do?

Money: Why are you afraid to invest in the only thing that will move you forward every single day?

The second place of resistance for most people is the fear of investing money in themselves. People will throw money at all sorts of insignificant material objects as a way to feel better, but why aren’t they taking that money and spending it on something that will payback on that investment over ten-fold? Look at some of the same scenarios I listed with time, when we absolutely need something, like the furnace goes out in the middle of a Minnesota winter, somehow the money shows up.

It makes me sad when I think about how many people don’t believe in their ability to invest in themselves, not reaping the reward of its payoff. Many of us spend the first 20-30 years of our lives investing in our minds, filling it with a bunch of knowledge. Then we run on fumes for the rest of our lives, taking a continuing education class when required but not investing in our minds. We’re afraid of looking in there; we are afraid that we might not be able to figure out the answers, rendering us stupid.

The funny thing is, almost everyone I talk to says the ability to get to the relationship of their dreams and the life of their dreams is something they couldn’t put a price tag on; it’s worth that much to them; until it comes to actually committing. I’ve been there; I was that person; I didn’t believe I could create that dream result, so why bother, until I got desperate. Until I kept trying everything that came my way, still not getting any closer to that dream. Until I learned how to trust myself enough to hire a coach, that’s when I started to see that the best thing I could spend money on was my mind. That investment clearly showed me my scarcity, limited, fearful mindset.

I believe the money we invest in ourselves is worth every penny because it makes me grow; it makes me think outside of my comfort zones; it shows me my weak spots. In my love relationship, it helps me be brave in creating exactly what I want and dedicate every day to doing that work. It helps me dig into why I’m not taking the actions I want to take in my love relationship; it reveals the truth, then allowing me to understand and decide my next steps.

Self Confidence: being all in on yourself

We’re so busy focusing on the outside, trying to get people to like us, trying to get others to open up and talk, and not doing the same ourselves. We are afraid to look inside at why we hate ourselves so much, at why we feel so lost and empty, why we’re scared. Let me tell you something; you will never find what you are looking for in someone else. So many of us are afraid that if we let go of controlling our surroundings, we might drown, but the truth is when you let go and start focusing on yourself, that’s when you learn how to swim.

Remember the saying: a rising tide lifts all boats? You can’t be the rising tide when you are empty inside; you suck up all the water, and everything sinks with you.

Fear of something new

The fear of not knowing what we’re doing; the fear of having to start over. Well, what will you be doing when you lose it all? Doing what you’ve been doing isn’t working, and it is actually pushing you further and further from your goal. It’s not the fear of starting something new and unfamiliar; it’s fear of how you’re going to feel when you think, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” My suggestion is to look at it as a new lease on life; you are purchasing your new self and building it exactly how you want, how you were divinely created to be.

How do you face fear?

Action plan:

I’m going to suggest a few things for you to try, take one and implement it into your daily routine and then let me know what’s working or not working.

  • Time: Schedule 15 minutes every morning before you do anything else, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual, and get out of bed. Take the time to do a thought download, that’s it. Do it every day for seven days. Notice what happens in your mind when it tells you not to take the time, that it really won’t matter, sleep for another 15 minutes. Notice, and then roll on out of that bed anyway.
  • Money: Start keeping track of where every penny goes. Don’t make this hard. Get yourself an old fashioned notebook, every day, write down what you spent money on, and categorize it. Was it essential and necessary, meaning you would die if you hadn’t spent that money? Would they shut off your heat or your electricity? Is it a “luxury” living expense that isn’t necessary: take out, restaurant eating, coffee, non-essential food like liquor, desserts, snacks? Is it a comfort purchase?
  • Solo date: One day a week, plan a date with yourself; it doesn’t need to involve money, go for a walk, ride your bike, sit at the lake, go to a museum and pay attention to your surroundings. Get in touch with yourself and who you really are, take one to two hours to get to know yourself.
  • Planned partner date: Plan something and follow-through, no matter what emotions come up for you. Afterward, take 15 minutes to write about what happened, how you felt, and why.

Whichever idea you decide to go with, I’d like you to pay attention to some of the following things, maybe write them down in a notebook.

  • When you didn’t do what you said you were going to do, ask yourself why. I don’t know isn’t an option, answer the question, ask your brain to calm down and answer. When you continue not to do what you plan to do, you solidify that belief that you have created. The belief that you don’t do what you say you’re going to do. You solidify that lack of trust in yourself. How are you going to change that belief? My recommendation: don’t make it an option, feel uncomfortable, notice how it feels, notice what comes up, breathe through it, and do it anyway.
  • Instead of focusing on all of the things that could go wrong with the action you want to take, list all of the things that could go right. Remember, “wrong” is just something you are thinking, that “wrong” could lead you to the right path.
  • If you do something different, ask yourself why. If you catch yourself in the middle of your scheduled time doing something different, stop yourself and be honest with yourself. Then go down two paragraphs and read.
  • When you don’t do what you said you would do what comes up for you? Shame? Guilt? Anger? Resentment? More feelings for you to look at. Ask yourself why you feel whatever emotion you are feeling, hint: it’s a thought you are thinking.

Lastly, I’d like to suggest three different things to do during the time you have scheduled for yourself and only do one of these three things. Take the time to do what you said you’d do, just sit there, or do a thought download.

Fear is an emotion that keeps us from moving forward and doing that which we really want to do. Taking the time to reflect, do thought downloads, and thought models will help you uncover that emotion that stops you from creating the beautiful relationship you so badly desire. Then ask yourself what is beautiful about the decision to be all in on that which you want to do. Yes, write them all down!

My AwakenYou coaching program is the exact process you need to help you with all of the obstacles you find yourself running up against as you try to figure out how to show up the way you want to show up in your love relationship. I teach you how to overcome all of the objections that you are creating as roadblocks to your best life while having a good time doing it; together let’s knock them all down!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

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Swimming and Emotional States

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

If you’re wondering what swimming and emotional states have to do with each other then you are about to find out. Personally, I love to swim and believe it is a great antidote when experiencing an emotional state that you want to process. With it’s repetitive, automatic motion, the relaxing sound of the water movement, fresh air filling your lungs, with blue sky speckled with clouds and sun rays dancing off the water, heavenly and thouroughly meditative. If you are someone who has swum in one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota for the majority of your life, you will totally get it. Swimmer or not, I think you will be able to appreciate my following swimming analogy when it comes to our different states of emotion.

I came to this analogy while going through an extended β€œnegative” emotional period. I put the word negative in quotations because I prefer not to name an emotion negative or positive, all emotions drive us to take actions, negative emotions have us taking actions that typically keep us from moving forward. In contrast to that thinking though I want to offer that negative emotions, when processed correctly, can actually move us forward by helping us to see what we are creating and using it to learn. When we learn something from any experience we are moving forward.

Some people wrongly assume that once you have experienced working with a coach you will never experience negative emotion. Wrong. This life is meant to be both good and bad, it is a balance called life. Don’t let this assumption keep you from working with a life coach, having someone on your side helping you navigate life is the best gift you could ever give yourself, as well as everyone in your life. Coaching makes going through the negative a whole different experience, read on.

So what is the β€œ50/50”?

When I say 50/50 I’m talking about negative versus positive emotional states. β€œGood” times versus β€œbad” times. Times when we feel open and are moving forward versus times when we are feeling closed in and stagnant.

Life will always be a balance of both of these emotional states, often we have times when that ratio is skewed one way or another, more often to the negative.

Currently, I am using the swimming analogy to compare negative emotional states as being under the water while positive emotional states as being above water and looking at a blue sky with the sun sparkling off the water like millions of diamonds.

During this negative emotional state that I was experiencing, I observed that it had been a while since I had endured a mental state that I couldn’t move through. I was then able to compare how this state felt now, after working with several different life coaches, to life prior to learning about coaching.

The 50/50 before life coaching.

The negative 50 seemed more like a 80, 90, or 99. I felt continually pushed under the water by outside forces, against my own will. I believed most of my life was gloomy, and that made the positive barely visible. I needed outside stimulation to make that little bit of positive feel right; no wonder I overate, over drank, or overdid most anything that could make me feel better. All of this proves the philosophy that what we look for, we will find because there were plenty of people who saw my life as perfect.

Once in a while, I would come up for air, and when I did, the sky was mostly cloudy. Even when I used something outside of myself to feel better, I never felt like I ever saw the sun. Whenever I was under the water, maybe I could see the sun, but it was only through the dirty murky water and barely visible.

The 50/50 after coaching.

As I was going through this particular negative stretch what I noticed was that it really wasn’t all that bad. Yeah, I was feeling a bit under the weather but I described it more like bobbing on the water, every once in a while slipping under the water but still being able to see the sun because the water was clear. All the time that I was under the water I knew that the sun and fresh air were right there and I could pop up to grab some. I knew I could stay there a while and enjoy it’s beauty as it sparkled across the waves and then I would pop down under again. All the while knowing it was no big deal. I knew that this was something I was creating, that I could feel it all and be ok, the shore was just a few breaststroke’s away.

In review of the before and after what I most want to impress upon you is the difference in energy between the two scenarios. The “before” scenario keeps you stuck in a state of suffering while the “after” scenario allows you to be present with your pain while continuing to move forward with your life dreams and goals.

There you have it my beautiful friend! Life will always be the contrast of good and bad, the negative along with the positive. When you know that the bad or negative all comes from our thinking, your life will completely change. You will be able to see your emotional states for what they are, that you are creating it all with your very own mind and that you have the power to change it. You enjoy the swim because all around you there is the good with the bad.

Self coaching and working with a coach helps us to see what we are experiencing and why. We can see it is temporary, meaningful and that we are all ok.

Self coaching and coaching will show you that the way to the other side is just a vibration in our body created by our mind with our thinking.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

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How To Feel Your Emotions

How To Start Feeling Your Emotions | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

If you’re anything like me, you have done a good job of teaching yourself how to repress your emotions. Happiness, joy, anger, love, powerlessness, excitement, sadness, successful, disappointment, discouragement, I taught myself to dull it all. I had a belief that it protected me from getting hurt. I believed strong people didn’t show their emotions. Funny thing is that one of the best things I learned how to do years ago after hiring my first coach was to question all of my beliefs. Believing the way I had been only kept me from living out loud the way I love to live. It never kept me from getting hurt, I just unknowingly hurt myself ahead of time.

Now, as a coach myself, I have learned that I wasn’t alone with my old beliefs about feeling emotions. Many of my clients struggle with even knowing what emotions are, much less describing them, naming them, and allowing themselves to explore them.

Today I’m going to teach you about what feelings are, why they are so important, and how to start recognizing and feeling your emotions so you too can start living out loud. This is my fourth article in a seven-part series where I teach the five components of the most important tool I teach my clients, the tool that teaches them how to self-coach.

What are emotions?

My dictionary defines it as a conscious mental reaction (such as anger, fear, joy) subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

That starts to get a bit complicated and you can go on to get more complicated if you chose but I like to simplify as much as I can.

My basic definition of emotion, which I will also interchange equally with the word feeling, is simply a vibration in your body.

All emotions are triggered by your thinking.

Simply put, we have a thought about something in our life; that thought creates an emotion or a vibration in our body. That emotion drives the actions that we take. It’s that simple. That fact is why I talked in detail about thoughts and positive versus negative thoughts; because they create how we feel. Our circumstances do not create how we feel. Our husbands coming home 20 minutes after they said they’d be home doesn’t create how we feel. Him sitting on the couch watching sports after dinner doesn’t create how you feel. It’s what we think about those two things that determine how we feel.

Note that this is very different from a physical sensation that is felt in your body when you are cold, hot, when you stub your toe, or are REALLY hungry.

Why feeling and recognizing our emotions is so important.

These vibrations in our body are signals that tell us what to do, they drive the actions we take. Years ago those vibrations kept us alive in so many ways, like when a tiger was in the area. Feeling joy would have had us as dinner, fear produced chemicals that got our brain problem solving and running as fast as we could to avoid imminent death. Desire kept us alive by producing chemicals that allowed us to procreate, keeping our species alive.

When we are tuned into how we are feeling, we can better understand the actions that we are taking. If we’re fascinated by the fire enough to touch the flame and burn ourselves, we learn to respect the fire for what it can do and use it to our advantage, not to our destruction. We can also start becoming curious about what we are feeling and begin to ask why we are feeling the way we are. Understanding our current emotions helps us to start problem-solving, it helps us to decide how we might change to feel differently. When we are able to problem-solve and find solutions we advance ourselves, we evolve and become stronger versions of who we are.

When we recognize how we are feeling, we start to find clarity around the actions we are taking. If we like how we are showing up and know what emotion drives that, we can begin to develop a thought system that re-creates that positive action-driving emotion. Similarly, if we don’t like the actions we are taking, we can look at what emotion is driving those negative actions and start becoming aware of the negative thoughts creating that feeling. For example, let’s say you have a fantastic weekend with your lover, maybe you even had a pretty good week prior, enjoying time together along with great conversations and you also left him a love note. You could look at what emotions you were feeling on those days and what thoughts drove those emotions. Alternately, when you have a day where you are feeling disconnected, withdrawn, and your hugs are just habitual movements, you can look objectively at why this is happening. Ultimately it is because of an emotion you are feeling generated by a thought you are thinking.

How to start recognizing and feeling your emotions

The first thing you want to do is pause and tune into what is happening in your body. This is where most people stop. They don’t see the importance of pausing and tuning into their body. They think they’re losing time, it’s nonsense, it’s all woo-woo. Those thoughts alone are creating an emotion that is driving the action of not learning how to take care of themselves. The action of not learning how to step into their next best version. The action of not believing in themselves.

Once you prioritize the minute to pause you will start describing what is happening in your body. Here are some simple questions to ask yourself:

  • Where is the feeling centered in your body?
  • Does the feeling radiate inward or outward?
  • Does it feel hot, cold, warm, cool, neutral
  • If it had a color what would it be?
  • Is it bright or dark?
  • Is it prickly, smooth, hard, soft, squishy?
  • Does it make your heart race or does it slow you down?
  • What is this feeling making you want to do?
  • Why are you feeling this emotion?

Then define the emotion. Naming the feeling can be as simple as good or bad to start, but as you do this practice, start exploring more specific emotions, use this chart to help you out. I suggest you do this exercise three times a day; it only takes a minute. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner time or set the alarm on your phone and do it every six hours. If you are feeling something that seems to be stopping you from moving forward, like rage or excitement, please pause, run through the questions and start getting familiar with them. I created a worksheet to help you with this process, download it to help you with this process.

Of all the parts of the self-coaching model, this step will be the most productive on its own. Once you are able to get really good at identifying how you are feeling in any situation, you can start digging into the other elements in this series so you can start putting the individual pieces together to solve any problem you are experiencing in your life. Because you feel emotions physically, you can tune into them and ask yourself what they are telling you.

If you’d like help learning more about your thoughts and what they are creating for you, please read this post and download the free Relationship Abundance mini-course I included in that article. The course will help you start changing your autopilot thoughts and empower you to think thoughts that propel you into the future relationship of your dreams!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

50/50 In Marriage

Maybe not what you want to hear on a Friday as you head into your weekend, but picture the following. We have this idea that every day in our love relationship should be like a dozen freshly picked roses, hand delivered to us by our spouses, on a white horse and then sweeping us off into a beautiful ride through the rolling grass fields. Now, you can finish this fantasy off exactly how you’d like it to end. You can even arrange to have it be fulfilled if you so choose, yet somewhere in the story there will be something that happens to sens you over to the other 50. The other 50 being you thinking something that has gone wrong.

It’s life my friends and I want to grant you full permission to having, and admitting to having, negative emotion in your marriage. It’s healthy in your relationship and it’s part of our human experience, it’s all about what you make the negative emotion mean. Today I’m going to show you how to break down the barriers of negative emotion.

The road to happiness in your marriage is the incredible joy you will feel as you work towards your dream relationship by overcoming obstacles along the way. Happiness is NOT the absence of negative emotion that we see played out on Instagram or on the big screen.

Reality is that as you work on creating the marriage of your dreams, you will not feel 100% positive all of the time. Some of the time it’s going to be hard, really hard, and very uncomfortable. Blasting through obstacles on the way to any goal is uncomfortable, don’t expect it to be any different with your relationship goals. Actually, plan on it being even more difficult and uncomfortable.

Honestly, the more alive your marriage, the more negative emotion you’re going to need to experience to get there. You might want to write that down and keep it as a screen saver as a constant reminder, let’s talk about about negative emotion!

So, what exactly is negative emotion?

Emotion is a vibration experienced inside your body. It is a biological state associated with your nervous system which is brought on by neurophysiological changes associated with your thoughts. You think a thought, your brain fires off some neurological responses which send a chemical cocktail into your body creating the emotion (vibration in your body) that thought generates. So in a nutshell, your emotion is all yours. The words your spouse speaks, or the true actions they take, do not cause your emotion. You do, with how you think.

Negative emotion does not need to mean that something has gone wrong. It might mean that something has gone terribly right, telling you it’s time to dig deep and to become conscious.

Contrast of emotions, contrast in the world.

I love to think of contrast as the spice in our life, and in our marriage. It’s what brings flavor into our lives. If we didn’t feel sadness, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate ecstasy. If we have never felt doubt then we wouldn’t be able to sink into faith. What about the stability we feel when we find our control after a period of feeling out of control? Without feeling deep shame we could never know what true compassion looks like.

In our marriages, I think this is a most beautiful thing. When we decide we’re tired of just accepting mediocracy and that it’s time to dig into creating a marriage that is on fire, we will experience this concept of contrast. We will feel vulnerable as we work through the process but come out feeling invincible, unshakeable and completely alive!

Resistance to negative emotion.

Resistance to negative emotion is simply our inability, or unwillingness, to accept the contrast. Resistance is our desire to make contrast and the beauty of it, untrue. Resistance will deny our experience of being alive. We are spending so much of our time running away from ourselves, and our true intimate love relationship, by becoming numb. We miss out on the experience of experiencing ourselves and what it’s like to be alive in this life.

What might you be doing in your relationship to resist the negative emotion? How are you relationship distracting (go read last week’s post)? Maybe you’re spending more time away from your loved one, maybe you’re over eating or over drinking, over working, over Netflixing? What numbing/escaping experience are you creating in your life to avoid and miss out on the true experience of the emotion?

Please hear me when I tell you that the way to enjoy your life, your marriage, is to not push negative emotion away, but the opposite. Enjoying your life by opening up and diving into the negative and fully experiencing what is happening so you can learn, grow and fully appreciate the other side (contrast).

Allowing and Feeling Negative Emotions

1. Learn how to feel your emotions

This is an exercise that takes practice, patience and consistency, sort of like training a muscle. You don’t do it once and expect to be the Ms. Olympia of emotional balance.

Take 10 minutes per day to sit and allow yourself to feel the negative emotion you are feeling. Take time to describe it, write it down, see it for what it is, notice how long the feeling actually lasts before it goes away.

What we discover is that we’ve been resisting emotions for so long that we don’t even know what it’s like to experience one. All we know is how to resist and avoid through buffering.

Feeling and allowing your emotions are different from reacting to them. Lashing out, snarling and being in a bad mood is happening because we’re trying so hard to keep the negative emotion at bay. There is the strength that we put into resisting and that’s what’s coming out of us, that is what we’re reacting to.

2. Get in the habit of writing thought downloads

A thought download is when you write down all of your thoughts. You get them out of your brain and onto a piece of paper, sort of like cleaning out that messy closet. You take EVERYTHING out, especially the ugly ones. Then you process what’s in your head, not judging it as something that shouldn’t be happening. You own it, you experience it, you process it so you can understand it and then let it go.

When we realize that marriage is going to be half negative emotion and half positive emotion, we realize that we will feel an incredible amount of love as well as an incredible amount of pain. That’s when we accept the negative as a part of our marriage, a part of our human experience, a part of the journey. We don’t resist it, we expect it and we work through it because what’s on the other side is so worth it.

The more alive your marriage, the more negative emotion you’re going to experience on the road to getting there. I even created a screen saver for you to download!

Learning how to experience this 50/50 before you enter your marriage relationship is definitely worth it. Starting wherever you are in your relationship is work worth doing for both you and your marriage relationship. This work will teach you how to become aware and process through the negative instead of ignoring it, pretending it’s not there, trying to be happy all of the time. Being happy all of the time is boring, it means you’re not fully experiencing your emotions and that means you’ll never experience true ecstasy in your marriage relationship or your life.

Learning how to feel your emotions means you’ll learn what true ecstasy feels like, now that’s some work worth doing!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

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