Six-Second Kiss Paralysis Ep 36

Six-Second Kiss Paralysis | Relationship Coach

Welcome to another week on the podcast, it is a beautiful week here in the upper midwest, fall and its beautiful earthy tones are on point. This week’s episode is one I have been pondering to myself because I was a bit uncomfortable with how to present what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it so what I decided was to just do it and see what comes out. If you are here it is most likely because you are struggling with how you are feeling in and about your marital relationship, you are wanting more than what you have and are unsure about how to go about the undoing of where you’re at.

First I want to say, welcome. Second, I want to share that all things are on the table for discussion here because if we don’t talk about what we are struggling with it is going to be quite difficult to come up with solutions because all we’re doing is burying it. Avoiding. Hoping something different will happen to make this discomfort go away. Something different for sure can happen, but only if you make that something different happen. You want something different, so you have to go after it.

With that said, this week I am going to talk about the six-second kiss that you may have heard about as an action to help create a more loving, connected dynamic in your marriage, then I’ll talk about feeling stuck with this suggestion and the steps to being able to implement the six-second kiss in your marriage.

Let’s dig into what I’m calling the six-second kiss paralysis.

What is the six-second kiss?

I don’t think I have to go into what the six-second kiss is except that it is something many relationship experts suggest a couple implement to help create an intimate connection. Dr. John Gottman from the Gottman Institute discovered that kissing can improve the health of a relationship and I don’t think any of us would disagree with that discovery.

Here are some things a six-second kiss can do:

  • It can build a ritual of connection.
  • It can create physical touch.
  • It can be a bid for connection.
  • If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning towards your partner.
  • It boosts fondness and admiration.
  • It builds appreciation between you.
  • It can increase your love maps of your partner’s kissing style.
  • It adds to your emotional bank account.
  • It can boost your positives for the 5:1 ratio.
  • It can lead to sex.
  • It can be self-soothing.
  • It can reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).

Don’t worry if you aren’t sure what the meaning is of “bids for connection” or “love maps” or “emotional bank account” or “5:1 ratio” because over the next several weeks I will take each one of these a bit deeper so you can start exploring them while building connection in your relationship.

Six-second kiss paralysis

Six-second kiss paralysis is being stuck in a place of inaction around something you’d love to implement but the implementation seems so disconnected from where you are in your relationship.

You’re here because you want to create a different dynamic in your marital relationship and because you care, because you are tired of what you have been creating, you have probably heard how magical the six-second kiss can be to bringing you and your partner to a new level of closeness. Here’s the problem though, you are so far away from a six-second kiss that you are frozen into non-action. You might be thinking something along the lines of “I would love to have a six-second kiss but we barely have a daily peck and hugs? Hugs are few and far between if not non-existent.” or maybe it’s this, “A six-second kiss? Yeah, sure, he should be giving me that but he ain’t and until he does, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to give in to that!” or maybe this, “He doesn’t seem one bit attracted to me. I’m afraid of the reaction I’ll get if I try to give him the big hug I dream of giving much less a six-second kiss.”

Ok, friends, I get it, trust me, I get it better than you might think. I myself felt shame around what I thought should be simple to implement if I was in a loving relationship, but after analyzing my shame and discomfort I decided to expose myself. I decided to open up to the love I wanted and embrace myself for the love I wanted to create in my marriage knowing full well that I had no control over how my husband would react to my invitation.

While I had heard over and over the magic of the six-second kiss, it felt so uncomfortable because what did it mean? I myself was working on making sure I was showing up authentically and not as my old people-pleasing self. I wanted to do what I wanted to do for myself first and I wanted to be unattached to my interpretation of his reaction. This took time for me, I had work to do on myself and my reasons for my actions and how I wanted to feel if my actions weren’t received the way I thought they should be received, a way that would make me feel loved. I had to get to the place where I would be able to feel love because of my actions, not because of how Jeff showed up.

How to remedy the six-second paralysis

The first thing you have to do is start unraveling what is going on inside of you. It’s the process of looking at how you have gotten to where you are at now in your intimate relationship and why. How are you feeling about where you are at and what is the thought process getting you there? Looking at how you are showing up in your relationship, especially when we get to the place where we see that we’re not particularly happy with how we are showing up, and seeing what result these actions are getting us, instead of turning outward and blaming them for how we are feeling. As we do this unraveling we start to see how we are the creator of how we feel in our relationship and we start to let go of the death grip we have on our partner. We start to let go of the blame and resentment while learning how to show up for ourselves.

The second thing to do is to decide what change you feel only a little vulnerable making, maybe 10% more uncomfortable than what that big step of the six-second kiss would mean for you. I’ve talked about this before but let me say it again, in our relationships we often get stuck at a place of comfort, where each person in the relationship isn’t exposing themselves to anything vulnerable. When we get to this place our desire for each other fades and in order to bring some flame back into the relationship one of the two has to open up a bit in vulnerability. Because you are the one seeking information about how to create a relationship you love, you are the one who gets to do the leading in the vulnerability. Another thing to keep in mind is that if you step out boldly in vulnerability, like maybe 90%, you are most likely going to get an unexpected reaction, a reaction that might push the relationship further away rather than bring it together.

How this opening up begins is by looking at your current routine and asking for something more, from a place of love, desire, not blame. Maybe it would be in the morning when you and your partner say goodbye for the day and maybe give each other a peck. A deliberate step of courage would be to tell your partner you would love a longer hug, maybe a six-second hug. It might feel awkward, pay attention to what comes up for you during that hug, what happens in your body and then write about it. Once you’ve implemeted this baby step of vulnerability, keep doing it until it becomes comfortable for you to ask for a little bit more. After some time with the six-second hug maybe you squeeze him a bit harder and thank him for his time. The next day maybe you ask for a three-second kiss along with the six-second hug and so on.

As you do the work of opening up to a better understanding of yourself and why you are doing the things that you might not want to do in your relationship you begin to have a clearer sight of the things you want. As you do this work and start visualizing that which you want, you start to own it for yourself and begin to create it.

The six-second kiss was something I was originally afraid of, I was afraid of possible rejection until I realized that when I open up to the love I want no one can reject me, they can only reject themselves and the love I choose to pour all over them.

If you are in a place where you want to start implementing new ways of being in your marital relationship then I want to encourage you to come to check out AwakenYou, it is my one-on-one coaching program where I give you the courage and permission to achieve what it is you want in your marital relationship, starting with you. Come join me!

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Emotional Regulation In Your Marriage Ep 35

Six-Second Kiss Paralysis | Relationship Coach

Welcome back to the podcast! So much of what I talk about distills out to looking at our emotions, how we are feeling in whatever circumstance we find ourselves in. If you search the word “emotions,” or “feelings” in my blogs and podcasts you won’t find one or two articles or episodes but over nine pages of different articles. In my AwakenYou program we spend several weeks talking specifically about emotions while every week the underlying work is all about emotions because any action you take is driven by how you feel and every thought you think makes you feel some sort of emotion. In order to move forward from being stuck, you have to look at what emotions are causing you to stay there, whether you know what they are or not, and you will only move so far when you are suppressing, ruminating, and avoiding your emotions. Today let’s talk about why emotions are a big deal.

With that, I’m going to talk mostly about emotional regulation, what it is and why it is so important to understand and practice in your life and in relationship with others, in particular here we look at that relationship with your partner. There are several articles and podcasts where I talk about emotions, including How To Feel Your Emotions, Your Top Three Emotions And How They Reveal The Results In Your Life, and an episode on How To Process Your Emotions, Ep 23, check out each of these resources as a follow-up to what we talk about here today.

Emotional Regulation

I’m going to start off with a definition of emotional regulation from Susan Johnson’s book Attachment Theory In Practice. When I talk about the regulation of emotion it is this: “the ability to ACCESS and attend to a range of emotions, clearly IDENTIFY those emotions, MODIFY them by either reducing or amplifying them in oneself and another, and then USE them to ascertain meaning, as well as to guide our thinking and actions in a way that suits our priorities in different situations.

This definition helps us to clearly see why emotions are so important, first within ourselves because as we learn how to recognize them happening within us we can start to decide if they are working for or against us. If we can see they are working for us, we can amp them up and create more of those positive results and if we see they are not working for us we can work on dampening them so that we can reset our path with our thinking while being able to take different actions that do suit our goals and dreams.

As a coach, I help my clients and you, my listeners, look at how they are feeling because this gives us so much information. We often think that we are at the effect of our emotions but we are not. When we start to actually become aware of how we are feeling and why, that is when we can start looking for other options but until then, we have to do the work of figuring out what we are actually feeling in the moment to moment of our days.

Why emotions are a big deal

Lisa Feldmen Barrett suggests that “those who can put emotions into words, are less likely to use negative self-regulatory strategies such as…” acting out with aggression, harmful actions to self, and excessive buffering activities like over-eating and drinking. She also states that “they also demonstrate less neural reactivity to rejection situations and generally suffer from less-severe anxiety and depression.” That my friends is why understanding and learning how to regulate your emotions is such a big deal.

When we are able to specify our emotions we create awareness, the first step in creating change in our lives, the first step to opening up to receiving the love we want. Once we have this awareness we can start interrupting our current habitual cycle and pause to decide on purpose what we may want to do with this emotion as we also start to understand why it is there. Being able to interrupt our current autopilot cycle and consciously decide what we want to do with the said emotion allows us to start the process of effective problem-solving. This problem solving comes first from awareness, then reappraisal of the circumstance and what may have occurred in a previous situation so you can decide what forward steps best serve the life you are creating for yourself.

When we don’t know how to regulate our emotions, or when we disengage from our emotions, we will often blame others for how we feel and for what we are perceiving as rejection. We will ruminate on the circumstance, catastrophize and blow it out of proportion, make ourselves feel inadequate and unworthy while thinking we are a failure. Poor emotional regulation will often have us feeling overwhelmed when interacting with our partner and overwhelm is an emotion that typically doesn’t have us making decisions that move us forward. Poor emotional regulation also keeps us from knowing how to produce the results we want and will often have us withdrawing without solving the problem that created the emotion, storing it in our subconscious as another unresolved conflict, further embedding that old pattern making it more familiar.

How to start regulating your emotions

It starts with the desire to do so, to change how you are currently dealing with your life and your intimate relationship. It starts with believing that creating this change will help you start feeling better and bring awareness to your life, your circumstances, and your marriage. It requires that you become curious about what emotions you might be feeling in the different moments throughout your day, as I describe in the first article I linked above “How To Feel Your Emotions.” Then there is the podcast episode 23 linked above titled “How To Process Your Emotions” which will help you even if you don’t know what emotion you are feeling by learning how to go into your body and starting to get in touch with what that emotion is doing inside of your body. In that episode, I teach you how to describe what the emotion feels like in your body, that alone will give you an incredible amount of knowledge to create some awareness.

Another practice that I love is to journal about circumstances in your life, describing what happened, what was and is still going on in your mind, and making sure to write about both those that bring positive and negative emotions. It has been proven that simply putting those feelings into words, usually the thoughts that created how you felt or are still feeling, helps you learn how to regulate your emotions through awareness.

Tapping is also a technique that I use with my clients to help them move through the emotions they are feeling, often helping them to lessen the strength of the emotion in their body and helping them discover where this emotion may have originally manifested itself.

Meditation is a technique that helps you get out of your thoughts and into the present moment which helps alleviate ruminating thoughts and get a clearer perspective on the circumstance allowing you to better problem solve. When you are able to get out of your thinking mind, the mind that is using logic to desperately figure out the solution you can let go of old thinking and open up to new possibilities by allowing your creative mind to engage and offer new solutions that you might never have come up with from a logical perspective.

In AwakenYou we utilize all of the above techniques along with several others based solely on what is happening for my client and how I think the different practices might complement and help the client to get a different perspective in the circumstance they are navigating. All of this work gives them different angles and tools to chip away at stubborn habitual thinking that keeps you from being able to regulate emotion and move on with problem-solving.

If you’d like to experience any of the modalities that I shared today please book a free session where I will take you through one of the techniques to help bring you some emotional space and clarity.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Mental Health Versus Mental Illness Ep 34

Mental Health Versus Mental Illness | Relationship Coach

Last week I talked with relationship and marriage coach Jessica Farmer, you can find that episode here, who helps women navigate their partner’s mental illness. This week I thought it would be an appropriate follow-up to have a brief discussion of mental health versus mental illness, what mental health/illness awareness is along with some considerations around why we don’t like talking about it.

What is mental health?

The World Health Organization (WHO) states that mental health is “a state of well-being in which the individual realizes his or her own abilities, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to his or her community.” It includes our emotional, psychological, and social well-being, affecting how we think, feel, and act as well as helping us determine how we handle stress, relate to others, and make choices.

What is mental illness?

According to the American Psychiatric Association, mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in emotion, thinking, or behavior (or a combination of these). Mental illnesses are associated with distress and/or problems functioning in social, work, or family activities. The majority of people with mental illness continue to function in their daily lives and mental illness is treatable.

Examples of mental illness include depression, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, eating disorders, and addictive behaviors. Many people have mental health concerns from time to time, but a mental health concern becomes a mental illness when ongoing signs and symptoms cause frequent stress and affect your ability to function.

I like to think about it as physical fitness versus physical illness, I think that they parallel each other well. When we aren’t feeling well physically we will adjust things in our life like our nutrition, sleep, and exercise; if things don’t get better we will go visit the doctor for an evaluation.

Our mental fitness is the same, there are many outside influences that can affect our mental health including our nutrition, sleep, and exercise when adjustments to these influences don’t help then we seek the counsel of a mental health professional. It doesn’t mean we are flawed, weak, or broken, it means that our mental health has been weakened and that treatment is available.

Mental health awarenss

Creating awareness of what to look for when it comes to a break in our own or someone else’s mental health. When we can recognize symptoms, know that these symptoms are a signal that something in our mental health needs attention it helps us to be proactive in getting help. A person doesn’t need to know how to treat themselves, they can recognize that something is wrong, like a spike in our body temperature signals that something is wrong with our physical health, and then we can schedule time with our doctor to discuss what is happening and start the process of healing.

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), one in five adults have had or currently have symptoms of a mental illness. This is no small number, if these people were suffering from a physical illness they would be more likely to seek medical attention but because mental illness is buried under a stigma of a mental flaw we ignore symptoms. Mental illness awareness helps normalize the breakdown of our mental health allowing more people to get the help that would lead them back to mental health.

We all have daily struggles and when those struggles get in the way of normal day-to-day functioning and the ability to enjoy life for some reason many of us think that there is something wrong with us. We feel shame and disgust that we can’t figure this out on our own and often it has people turning to food, drugs, and/or alcohol to numb the pain which only leads us further away from healing. If you suspect that someone close to you is struggling with a mental illness it may be best for you to schedule a visit with your own medical advisor to help you approach the subject with love and compassion while looking at how to best care for yourself.

In an effort to create awareness and help normalize mental health and mental illness my hope is to help anyone struggling with their mental health to discover hope and help, to not struggle with it by themselves. If you are feeling like you are not your normal self, finding yourself in a sleeping pattern that is unhealthy, a severe loss of appetite, turning to vices like drugs, alcohol, food, spending to avoid feeling emotions then please reach out to your health professional and schedule an evaluation. You matter.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Understanding The Feminine Way Ep 32

Understanding The Feminine Way | Relationship Coach

Welcome back to the podcast and the second discussion of David Deida’s Intimate Communion. If you missed last week’s episode you must go back and take a listen because I talked about chapter 8: The Masculine Way from Deida’s book which if you are the more masculine in your relationship it will give you more insight and understanding of yourself and if you are the more feminine energy in the relationship it will give you a better understanding of your partner. In both Chapters, Deida does a beautiful job of integrating both energies into the discussion so if you only listen to one of these episodes you will find yourself missing out on a whole piece that will help you create a better understanding of how each of you are showing up in your relationship.

As we explore the feminine way I will also share some aspects of the masculine way, just as Deida does to help you grasp the difference between the two. This contrast will help you also see how you might be overusing the opposite energy to your disadvantage. By the way, if you are of the more feminine way this chapter beautifully describes who you are, possibly not who you are showing up as, but who you are at your core. I’m going to start with sharing what the feminine way looks like, then how the feminine and masculine way differ and then I will get into the three stages of the feminine way, which is the core of transformation I bring my clients through in AwakenYou.

The Feminine Way

Let’s take a closer look at the feminine way, a look that is more descriptive of who the feminine is at their core. Deida says “The feminine is the force of life itself, and you can experience it in many ways.” This sentence in of itself opened my heart up wide. In the book he goes on to describe a few different ways the feminine force might manifest itself. Here are a few examples that come to mind for me:

  • You’re out for your morning run and the sun disappears behind the clouds as rain fills the sky, you smile, you raise your hands in celebration, you run faster while jumping like a child in the puddles forming along the way
  • You’re chopping vegetables for your delightful dinner and a song comes on that makes your hips sway, your hands go in the air and the vocals bellow out from deep within.
  • You are focusing on writing that next little piece for your social media when your puppy comes prancing along the way begging you to play. You get down on the floor and pretend you too are a little one full of bursting energy and love.

At the core of the Feminine is radiance and the only way to magnify the inherent radiance of the Feminine is love. When your heart radiates love, you are radiant. This my friends is the final step and goal of my AwakenYou coaching program, for the feminine to reach radiance from within instead of from outside of herself.

The masculine looks to the feminine for completion says Deida, and so the more the feminine shines the more they will fulfill their masculine partner’s desire for completion, without doing much else.

The feminine is what we seek: the force of attraction and enchantment. Like the sunrise or the sunset, a flower or a newborn, the feminine attracts and enchants us, opening our hearts to beauty and love. Deida explains that this is what we seek when we go on a vacation, we seek the extraordinary natural beauty of the world so we can bask in Her enchantment.

The feminine desires to be noticed, it is the natural sign of a more feminine sexual essence. I hope this will bring you the liberation it brought me, though I do realize much of my desire to seek approval from the opposite sex through my appearance was early conditioning but this idea that Deida presents allows me to love the adventure of wanting to be attractive for myself first but also for my husband. Deida talks about our masculine-dominated culture seeing a desire to be attractive self-centered or petty but that sensitivity to attractiveness is actually a “natural recognition of the power, depth, and beauty of one of the qualities of the feminine force.” Deida also notes that there is also a feminine radiance in men which will have them grow from a “macho slob to a clean and attractive gentleman;” but that if he cherishes his attractiveness more than that of his chosen woman he isn’t in intimate communion, he is in the 50/50 directionality.

“The feminine lives in the world of sensation, the world of the body, the world of unseen connection to the flow of elements and natural forces.” This can be true for either the one with more of the masculine or feminine. “Any person, man or woman, who is thus connected to the world around him or her has a highly developed feminine. Whereas extreme masculine energy is focused on what is straight ahead of them, never pausing to see the beauty along one side or another without distraction, unaware of his body or the relations going on around him.

The feminine is a loving sensuality that is alive in the body and quite a delight to gaze upon yet many of us are pulled away from fully embracing our feminine full-bodied flow for a preference to our masculine relationship to the world: goal-orientated, staying mental and sharp, seriousness in it all.

Relationship is top priority to the feminine, when it is going well, she feels happy and radiant, it is central to her emotional being. The tone of her intimate relationship permeates out into her day. This is the opposite for the masculine, when he leaves the house his relationship is behind him, a disagreement in the morning does not affect his ability to carry on with what is ahead of him.

Deida talks about how the feminine will stay too long in a relationship, opening and closing depending on how things are going. When her partner is being nice and attentive she starts to open up while the opposite has her closing down but not leaving. The masculine leaves too soon, if his life is going well he is moving deeper but will pull away when things appear to not be going well.

Knowing the way of both the masculine and feminine sexual essences helps you understand how to make your relationship more magnetic as well as depolarizing. With the masculine essence being about direction, the feminine essence can support their direction which will cause sexual polarization or the feminine can mistrust the direction of the masculine which will be a source of devastating depolarization and tension. Similarly, putting a damper on a woman’s radiance will depolarize her sexual essence while letting her shine and encouraging her uniqueness will bring a magnetic polarization to the relationship. Discovering ways to be gentle and kind around inspiring the masculine towards a different direction or sharing with the feminine how you love when she is radiant will allow your opinion to come through without numbing each other’s sexual essence.

The feminine way is to hear mood and tone through the words the masculine speaks while the masculine tells the feminine how to do when the feminine speaks how she feels.

The feminine flows through her day while the masculine focuses on one thing at a time and our culture puts a higher value for the masculine go than the feminine flow. I love Deida’s analogy of how our culture pays to navigate the boat while diminishing the value of the flow of the ocean upon which the boat rides. Like the flow of the ocean, the feminine is often taken for granted and from this I can clearly see why so many women diminish their true feminine power while mistakenly taking on the masculine power to prove herself and her value in this world.

Deida talks about how the feminine can get in her own way by allowing emotion to get in the way of clear thinking and effective action but that equally, or perhaps more often, the masculine allows clear thinking to get in the way of love. We know that without love our lives are empty, that’s why my clients come to me, they are seeking love in their relationship.

“The feminine is a force of creation and destruction,” this statement helped me to embrace the “strongly wild and destructive aspect” of my feminine nature and helps me to clearly see how the masculine throughout my life has tried to calm that inner fury. I can see clearly how when cultivated that strength can be channeled into good, keeping the relationship charging forward instead of watering it down into something less than exciting.

Right along with that, our culture tends to be unappreciative of the always timely connection the feminine has with nature and their intuitive intelligence of the body and mind, with the masculine mind attempting to prove the world with science and facts that quickly become outdated and needing to be continually revised. The masculine wanting to “pin the feminine down and keep her contained, rather than allowing her to flow as she will.”

When we, the feminine essence sell out our femininity for the masculine way we disempower our core strength, similarly attracting the masculine whose sexual essence has likewise been disempowered. Deida shares that the first step to evoking more masculine energy from your current partner is to cultivate your ability to trust your own feminine core. As you learn how to relax into your “feminine essence’s inherent attractiveness, radiance, wildness, spontaneity, and intuitive connection with life, you will empower your core and you will shine. Then you will automatically evoke in your man a strong masculine sexual essence. Again, another affirmation for my AwakenYou program because this is the essence of my program, when I created it and as I continue to create the actions that are at the front of my mind is “revitalizing essence,” this is the underlying goal of everything we do in the program.

I would love to just read every delicious word in the book to you but my job here was to try to narrow down the gold mine and get you excited to discover something new for you in your life. In that discovery finding the spark to start the journey of letting go of the masculine you have understandably turned to in order to move ahead and begin to awaken the feminine within,

The three stages of the feminine way

Remember that the masculine is constantly hoping that their mission will satisfy them while the feminine is constantly hoping that her intimate relationship will satisfy her. Her deepest desire in life is to feel loved so throughout the three stages of the feminine way she lives her life in an effort to be fulfilled in love.

First stage love

In this first stage, the one with the feminine essence will often give up her own needs and desires in an effort to “get” love from her man. This is often the beginning of all of her relationships. This goes hand in hand with the masculine first stage of directionality and a dependent relationship.

Second stage love

As time goes along in her relationship, the feminine discovers that stage one does not satisfy her, at this point she often undergoes a crisis and chooses to be strong, establishing her independence financially and emotionally. She begins to focus on herself, her creative talents and her gifts while cultivating her masculine energy to double down and create her independence often in the shape of her career. She begins to learn how to give herself love, to love herself instead of always seeking love and approval outside of herself again by using the masculine discipline to do so. This is the complement of the masculine second stage directionality which is the 50/50 relationship where she resolves to be in an intimate relationship but that she is essentially her own woman. She fulfills her own needs and is no longer dependent on the masculine to make her feel good about herself.

Third stage love

Interestingly, as time goes on in stage two the feminine discovers she is doubly in despair. Her feminine core is unsatisfied by the lack of love she receives from her man and she is also unsatisfied with the love she is getting from her own masculine. She is still desiring a man to share her love with. Her heart is still yearning for more love in her life, her heart may feel ok but it is not overwhelmed by love. Her next crisis begins when she discovers that she can’t get enough love from him and she can’t give herself enough love, she yearns for more, she feels hopeless.

Deida compares this second to third stage crisis equivalent to the masculine mid-life crisis of emptiness and inauthenticity in life. During this crisis, if the feminine is willing to cultivate, explore and allow herself to relax into this despair, Deida states that the yearning itself will reveal her divine nature. This means that if she can be “open to the darkness without attempting to fill the hole in her heart with outside distractions like food, social activity and intimate hopes, this dark hole will eventually widen to the size of the universe. If you close your eyes and envision your heart widened to infinity, this is where absolute love flows with no obstruction.

Deida states that it is rare for a woman to allow herself this degree of heart vulnerability, just as it is rare for the man to allow himself the degree of self-death required to enter stage three directionality. Instead women will keep searching for the right man or hoping their man will change, but it will never happen unless the feminine goes through the stage two crisis into a heart-opening without protection. Not until she is able to have an unguarded heart open in love with no expectation of being given love in return.

Though this third stage feminine heart may be frequently wounded because it is not protected, she is able to feel the love she allowed and never lets her heart be closed by the pain it feels. “Love and openness are the nature of the thrid-stage feminine heart, even in the midst of hurt.”

Now the heart is always open in love and the feminine heart is finally pervaded by the love it has always been searching for. The thrid stage feminine opens in the inherent love of God, in every present moment, as a practice, either alone or in the midst of relationship.

Reclaiming the feminine gift and trusting the force of life

As I wrap up I can’t leave out what Deida leaves us with, and I challenge all of us feminine powers to consider the work of reclaiming your gift and trusting its force.

We live in a masculine-dominated culture forcing most of us to not be fully free in our feminine expression, we deny her force and beauty. As you allow yourself to ease into your feminine essence notice how that tightness in your solar plexus eases, how the shallowness of your breath deepens.

I want to encourage you in this moment if you are able to close your eyes and imagine how much happier you would be if you spent more time moving with the force of life, dancing, singing, making love instead of having sex, walking in the woods or the garden instead of constantly pushing ourself along a path we think is leading us to where we want to go? What if you could soften into the truth and guidance of the feminine force of life. Remind yourself of the truth that love is not logical, there is not a planned out direction to it, it flows as it should. Our masculine mind cannot fully embrace that which is the feminine, can you surrender to its flow?

“This intelligence, this wisdom of love, this genius that is inherent in a radiantly alive, open and sensitive body, is the intelligence necessary for spontaneous and skillful means within our intimate relationship. It is one of the gifts of the feminine force.”

With that, I will leave you, my friends. This chapter on the feminine way in Deida’s Intimate Communion makes my heart swell with inspiration to continue the work within my AwakenYou program. It’s like Deida wrote this chapter for me but I know that had I read this prior to creating my program it wouldn’t have felt right. I know that I had to discover it on my own and it helps validate that I am on the right path, I am on my own path and that I know exactly how to create that path when I stay true to who I believe I am and my mission.

I’d love to hear what resonated with you throughout these two episodes reviewing the masculine and feminine ways and what you might be taking forward into your journey to Awakening your true you in your marriage.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Understanding The Masculine Way Ep 31

Understanding The Masculine Way | Relationship Coach

This week and next I am going to be sharing insights I have gleaned from two chapters of David Deida’s book Intimate Communion. This week we will be looking at Chapter 8: The Masculine Way and then come back next week to hear the insights I gleaned from Chapter 9: The Feminine Way. I actually want to share an even better suggestion which is to grab the book, read chapter 9 and join the discussion I will be hosting this coming Thursday evening at 5 pm CST. We had a great discussion of Chapter 8 last week and I’m looking forward to this week’s discussion and sharing what we learned! If you’re interested in joining us follow this link to get yourself registered!

You may be wondering why these two chapters, why not a full book discussion? First, one of my coaches, Aimee Gianni changed the way I read books, she gave me permission to start anywhere and to read only what I choose to read and in any order. When I discovered the book Intimate Communion it was around a conversation about the difference between masculine and feminine energy and I found myself super intrigued. I wanted to learn more about how I might be utilizing each and if I was utilizing them in a way that was working for me.

To my surprise, not only did I learn a LOT about myself, affirmation about what my AwakenYou program is designed to accomplish but it also shed a bright light on my husband, allowing me to reach another level of understanding around who he is and why he does some of the things he does. Which of course allows us to create a more connected and inspiring relationship

As in all of the work I do with my clients, I apply it to myself first, see how it manifests in my relationship with myself and my husband and then I get to bring it to you. What I learn gets brought into my AwakenYou program so that my clients have more ways of looking at themselves and their partners.

Today I am going to share my top insights from what Deida shares about the masculine way so that you might have a better insight into yourself and your partner, allowing you to grow personally and together. These two chapters did way more than help me see how I was abusing my masculine energy while squashing my feminine energy and why. It gave me a new perspective on how we are de-polarizing our relationships, meaning doing the exact opposite of what we want, and it helped me to better understand how my husband shows up in our relationship and why.

The fun thing about these two chapters is that each discusses both the masculine and feminine way in a comparative sort of way. Each of us, male and female, have a mixture of masculine and feminine energy, so let’s dig in and find out more!

The Masculine Way versus The Feminine Way

Masculine essence gives priority to “life direction” – it is moved primarily by his or her life mission, it is the most important thing in their life. Whereas the feminine essence gives priority to the “intimate relationship” – it is moved by his or her emotions in an intimate relationship.

The masculines waking state is modal – the football mode, the work mode, the driving car mode, the intimacy mode – they focus on the one mode they are in and the more masculine the more focused they are in their modes. Whereas the feminine is not so rigid, the feminine attention is fluid. The person with a more feminine essence flows between different activities such as gardening, chatting with a friend, and planning an outing all in the same moment.

Masculine is looking for trouble, in a good way. They see a problem and then go to the work of attempting to fix it, including when they see their partner disturbed.

Masculine seeks relief, when things appear to not be working in their eyes, or not fixable, it seeks freedom, he wants out. When the masculine is in a bad mood, he tends to feel trapped by life and his relationship, so just as the feminine who is in a bad mood often feels unloved by the masculine, the masculine will always tend to feel burdened and constrained when in a bad mood.

Masculine likes the edge, they come alive when challenged. This is why the masculine tends to like competition, watching sporting events or action movies. Not because they are trying to prove themselves or because they love violence but because they come alive during these challenges.

Deida talks about sexual polarity throughout the book and how one will always attract your sexual reciprocal. When you begin to understand the masculine and feminine ways you might see that you are squelching your dominant energy and that this could be why you feel there is something missing in your relationship. Your partner is matching your squelched energy so your polarity is weak.

Stages of Directionality

Deida talks about stages of directionality within a relationship and that when the partner that is playing the masculine pole in an intimate relationship doesn’t fully animate the native directionality of the Masculine, the more feminine partner begins to lose trust while the passion in their intimacy diminishes.

First stage directionality: a dependence relationship

In this first stage directionality, it is often expressed as a financial quest. The more masculine partner is expected to provide and in this dependence relationship, the more feminine partner may feel like her partner is always depending on her to be nurturing and sexy while the masculine may feel like his partner depends on him to be successful and strong. In this stage each may rely on the other for sex or money because neither of them are yet whole in themselves.

In this stage, the masculine essence transcends life avoiding emotions while attempting to stand above their partner. He isn’t interested in getting involved, he’d rather watch TV or work on the car rather than talk with their partner. They’d rather enjoy the “perfection” of the perfect shot into the goal net than the “imperfect” area of relationship, emotions and life.

In this stage the masculine attempts to find freedom through looking outward and obtaining a financial edge. The object in this stage is to be the winner rather than the loser.

Second stage directionality: a 50/50 relationship

This stage is where each pushes away from depending on each other and they become two whole and independent people. At this stage the masculine becomes a bit more creative, they may still provide a stable income while knowing how to create a good life. They start to desire to improve the quality of their life in more diverse ways: getting involved in the community, expand intellectual horizons, political and spiritual life expands. In this stage, the emphasis is on getting better rather than getting more.

The masculine in the second stage now transcends life by worshipping the mind. He enjoys thinking about things as if life could be answered through their mind. This stage enjoys intellectual conversation, loves good art and a fine bottle of wine.

In this stage, the masculine seeks freedom by turning inward and attempting to master his psychological edges, his fears, and demons. The object in this stage is to emerge as the master of your own life.

Third stage directionality: intimate communion

In this third stage all of that which is included in the second stage is still important, but even more important is their ability to practice a spiritual maturity instead of a physical, financial and creative maturity. Deida describes the masculine in the intimate communion stage as valued for his ability to bloom in any given moment into love, even in the most difficult of moments.

This third stage masculine transcends life by realizing his true nature as well as the true nature of life itself. He may work to improve his relationship yet in the moment-to-moment practice of life recognizes life’s inherent perfection – not in the details but in the perfect witness of life itself: consciousness.

In this last stage he realizes that is edge is an illusion, that he is an illusion. His edge in this stage is the practice of this realization, the moment-to-moment recognition that his essential fear, death, is based on a false presumption: that he is a separate something that can die. Here you are not struggling to be victorious over an outer opponent or an inner demon, you are struggling with your own illusion that you can be victorious.

Understanding a man’s mid-life crisis

Deida talks about a masculine’s need to periodically declutter their life from unauthentic burdens, obligations, and habits and re-discover their true being which they have lost touch with. Often this is discovered in solitude. It is about letting go of everything old, rediscovering true purpose, and then coming back to re-engage their relationships in a new and refreshing way. He attributes the mid-life crisis to the truth that our culture doesn’t really allow people to do these sorts of escapes so instead, it often plays out as a mid-life crisis.

When the masculine reaches intimate communion he realizes that no matter whether he succeeds or fails in life, he is free and that his true nature is freedom.

As the masculine struggles to find freedom, the feminine struggles to find love and this is going to be our discussion next week. Moving through the three stages of the feminine looking to find love is what AwakenYou is all about and it gave me great joy to discover the premise of my program validated in David Deida’s three stages of the feminine looking for love. I hope you will join me and please, don’t forget to sign up for the discussion of this chapter this coming Thursday1

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Five Pillars To Rebuilding Marital Belief Ep 30

Five Pillars To Rebuilding Marital Belief | Relationship Coach

By the time most of my clients come to me they have stopped dreaming about their future with their partner, they feel stuck in both their marriage and their life. The foundation of their marriage has crumbled and the map they previously used to build their relationship no longer applies to their life so it is necessary to reformulate the new five foundations to building their marital belief system so they can create a sustainable relationship that feels better than they ever imagined it could. The one thing that seemed to lift them up has drifted so far away they feel overwhelmed with how to turn things around, often wondering if giving up and starting over would be a better choice. The interesting thing is that if given the option many think that starting over somewhere else is a better option than taking what they already have, what they have already built, and “starting” over with what is remaining. This is because we think that the solution is outside of us, in some perfect partner that we won’t ever feel awful around but the truth is, the same old problems are going to keep surfacing until we do the work of learning how to build ourselves up from the inside out. Until then, that perfect partner will be an elusive catch.

When we feel frustrated, disconnected, and uninspired in our marriage we are often in a state of avoidance where they are avoiding any sort of action that might open us up to that loving feeling we so desperately want. Instead, we are doing all sorts of other things to bring some sparkle into our lives while unintentionally pushing our partners even further away and then looking to them to do the changing. Our perspective only sees where the problem lies in them while avoiding the work of looking inward fearing “we might be the problem.”

Eventually, though, we determine is that all of these external stimuli only have a minimal effect in bringing the zing back into our lives. We feel restless in constantly seeking the thing that will make us feel like our life has a purpose again, we are stuck on a rollercoaster of new highs that eventually come full circle leaving us searching for that new something new while continuing to avoid our partner.

Today I’m going to share five necessary foundational marital pillars that I use with clients in my AwakenYou one-on-one coaching program to help create the foundational belief they need to start rebuilding the marriage that they are in and start recreating their new future dream life.

Pillar one: understanding your feelings

To begin you have to take an honest look at and identify how you are feeling in your relationship. You know you don’t feel good, maybe you feel bored, frustrated, disconnected, sad, hopeless, uninspired, avoidant, anxious, disappointed, what else?

In the book Attachment Theory In Practice, Susan Johnson discusses the nature of emotion where she writes that in itself, emotion is not an irrational response or simply a “feeling” that accompanies thought. Rather, it is a high-level system that integrates a person’s awareness of innate needs and goals with feedback from the environment and the predicted consequences of actions. Emotions are an information-processing system focused on survival.

Meaning: emotions are part of a superior bodily system that helps you create awareness of your primal needs and goals while we are getting feedback from what is happening around us while we are subconsciously predicting the consequences of different actions. Emotions are part of our processing system based on keeping us alive.

Once you can start to identify these emotions that you are feeling you can start discovering what circumstances in your marriage are causing these feelings and why. We can peel back the shades and see the underlying reason we are experiencing what we are feeling.

Pillar two: understand your perspective

Here you are going to discover what your story is about your marriage and why your situation feels so challenging. You will get your point of view out from inside of you, onto a piece of paper so that you can really see the truth of what you are struggling with. Once you see your perspective clearly it is from here that you can start being able to contemplate some new perspectives, different possibilities and dabble with what these different perspectives look like and how they could change how you are feeling about your current circumstance.

Pillar three: identify what it is you want

Once you have gotten your story out and written down all of the painful pieces on paper this is when you can start identifying what it is you really want so you can begin creating new pieces to your marital puzzle, pieces that you love, pieces that you think are missing.

When we are deep in sadness and disappointment it’s difficult to imagine anything different. Identifying what is most difficult about your circumstance helps you to start seeing what it is you might want and then start formulating future hopes and dreams for you and your partner. You get to throw out pieces of the puzzle that feel awful and recreate pieces you want to give a try, knowing that if a piece doesn’t feel right you can keep molding and shaping it into one that fits perfectly.

Pillar four: start understanding why these dreams matter to you

Beneath our pain and our desire is something more, a more profound why. Here is where you can start asking yourself why you want what it is you want. You can decide why that thing would make you feel better and then make you feel better about your marriage, and then see why that would be so much more empowering than where you currently are in your relationship.

Pillar five: putting it all together to create your marital future vision

As you start to understand how you are feeling about your specific marital circumstance and you can see and define your current perspective, you can begin identifying what it is you want in your relationship, why you want it, and why it’s important to you. Finally, from this space, you can get to the work of arranging all of these four pillars to create a vision of where it is you want to go.

As you work through this process, you will also need a big dose of commitment in order to continue to fully work through forming these pillars and making them a firm foundation that continues to bring a clearer and clearer view of what you, and your partner want. You are never finished building these five marital foundation pillars because life keeps changing and desires evolve but know that when you stop working on them they begin to slowly erode again, but the good news is this: when you learn how to build a solid foundation and do the work of building these five pillars, you see the importance of the maintenance work and it becomes a new part of your relationship that actually feels normal.

If you want help stripping your relationship down and building it back up in a way that is sustainable and feels amazing then I want to invite you to come join AwakenYou, I’d love to work with you through the process of creating exactly what it is you want in the marriage you are in right now.

I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.