No More Silent Treatment

Silent treatment is what I would call wordless punishment or quiet aggression, where we are attempting to demonstrate how awful the other person is, of course in an effort to prove our superiority. It might look like us excluding or ignoring someone in an effort to punish or manipulate them.

Interestingly enough, silent treatment might not seem on the outside like physical punishment, yet the brain’s interpretation of silent treatment is incredibly similar.

It may also look like one person trying to communicate and the other responding with silence or emotional distance often ending with each partner often blaming the other for how they are feeling and ultimately, how they are acting.

Silent treatment is not to be confused with taking intentional time to withdraw, reflect and process what is going on for yourself. This use of time would be communicated from a place of love and compassion of self, not from a negative place.

So the question I want to dig into today is why do we use the silent treatment tactic and how do we stop this destructive behavior?

Let me start by being 100% vulnerable in disclosing that I used to be a silent treatment abuser. I often forget about this tactic until I see it being used by others or when it comes up in a coaching session. When I look back at my use of the tactic, along with the process of letting it go, I can clearly see some of the facts for me:

  • Silent treatment was a learned behavior
  • It allowed me to feel like I was controlling the situation, though in reality the opposite was true
  • It kept me feeling protected
  • It kept me from being vulnerable and honest
  • It kept me from really looking into what was bothering me and learning how to express that
  • It limited me from learning how to problem solve
  • It allowed me to avoid and resist emotion which kept me from evolving/growing/learning how to love

Mostly I thought it was a way to protect myself.

Let’s start with looking at the possibility of your behavior being a modeled behavior. It’s quite possible that someone in your formative years taught you this behavior and though you didn’t appreciate being the recipient of the behavior, you now find yourself doing exactly what you said you’d never do. If this is the case it will never be constructive for you to blame that person, which will only have you falling back into more actions you don’t want to take. We can acknowledge, use it as data and start the process of unlearning the behavior so you can treat yourself the way you desire, such beautiful news.

Awareness is the first step to change.

It’s also possible that silent treatment seems to have worked for you as a form of protection and a way to get out of confrontation, leading you to use it over and over. Now you’ve created a habit of how to deal with difficult situations that gets you nowhere, never really dealing with the situation. Instead you just add to the pile of unresolved conflict in your mental storehouse.

Here are four steps to stop using the silent treatment as a way to cope with conflict and learn how to become more effective in your love relationships:

Start observing your behavior.

This will start with you assessing what happened after you have fallen into the silent treatment pit. The great thing here is that you have time because you’ve chosen not to talk, so grab a pencil and notebook, go to a room by yourself, shut the door and start processing by asking yourself a few questions:

  1. What exactly was happening before you decided to use the silent treatment as a way to cope? List all of the facts: what exactly was being said by whom, what time was it, what was happening before the situation. Remember that facts have no drama or emotion, they are exact words spoken, exact actions taken, no adverbs or adjectives.
  2. What emotion was coming up for you? If you can’t name the emotion then close your eyes and feel what vibrations are going on in your body, describe them in detail.
  3. Why do you think you were feeling this way? Write down all of the reasons.
  4. What might you have been thinking during this time?
  5. What actions did you actually take and why? What words did you speak? What did you do or what didn’t you do?
  6. Write it all out in your notebook, write down the truth of what is going on in your brain, even the ugly. When you’re done you can shred it.
  7. What result are you getting from all of the actions you are taking? Write down all of YOUR results as you see them.

All of this is increasing your own awareness of what is happening for you and why, all in an effort to learn, grow and overcome. DO NOT allow yourself to answer with “I don’t know.”, guess if you have to, ask yourself this powerful question: “If I did know the answer, what would it be?” This exercise is not about looking at the other person and why they are causing your state of mind, though you can certainly write that down because it will create more awareness for you, but it is never true. Other people do not create our state of mind, don’t make them that powerful, we do.

How do you want to behave?

After you do the above practice start asking yourself how you want to show up and why. Chances are that you won’t be able to play out your desired scenario in real life yet, this is part of the practice, but know that creating the scenario of how you want to show up in real time will take patience, practice and a lot of vulnerability. Start with one step at a time, by doing this work, and know that you are moving forward. Right now it’s important for you to have a vision of how you actually deal with conflict.

With consistency, you will start to see what is happening in the middle of it, possibly even starting to withdraw from a place of introspection instead of manipulation. Once you start to get to this point it will be good to express to your partner what is happening for you and that you need some time to process. Then go to a quiet space and work through the above questions again, at this point you might even be able to start creating unintentional models of what is happening for you.

Start seeing the scenario unfold in front of you.

The third phase allows you to start watching what happens for you from a place of curiosity. You get to start really seeing your unintentional models and start taking steps towards your ideal intentional models by playing around with some intentional thoughts. These intentional thoughts will create emotions that allow you to start changing old behavioral patterning.

I describe this phase as being in the middle of the river of misery. There will be times when you are feeling amazing with the progress you are seeing, but then there will be times where you unintentionally fall back into old patterning. Sort of like rafting down a tumultuous river, there will be times you think you’ve got this, you’re navigating the river and having fun. Then all of a sudden it appears as though everything is out of control and that you’re going to die, your float topples over while you are forced under the surface. The good news is that as you do this work, and step away from old thought patterning, you will start to see your successes more than your “failure”, you will actually start seeing what you used to call failure as opportunity to grow, learn and improve.

Now it’s time to start moving into your future self.

This is when you will start experiencing true change. You start seeing yourself as the person who you’ve been dreaming of, the person who verbalizes your feelings, sees your thoughts and knows how to think to get the results that align with the person you are becoming. You start talking out loud and problem solving for yourself. You start creating the results that you want to create in your life.

The process of changing from someone who shuts down, tries to control others while only hurting themselves, to one who deliberately chooses how they want to think, feel and act is one of the most powerful things you will ever accomplish. It keeps you from being stuck in powerless states of blame, resentment and lack of control while being able to open up to love and compassion.

If you struggle with not being able to see how to get out of this patterning I encourage you to start by taking the steps in this post. If you want further help with getting out of disempowering emotional states, I would love to share some worksheets to move help you move forward. Another resource is to join me live on my social media channels every week, ask to get coached live or send me your questions and I’ll answer them for everyone to learn.

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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When Others Treat Us Poorly

One sentence can change your problem into a neutral circumstance, literally.

During a recent coaching session, my coach asked the following question:

“Do you want your circumstance (which was a person in this example) to choose your thoughts and pour that emotion into your body?”

It only took about a split second to answer that question, I absolutely knew I didn’t want to give that power to this person!

Let the heavens open because freedom from blame, resentment, guilt and a desire to “pay them back” disappeared in that moment. From this place, I was able to step into my more evolved self and decide how I wanted to feel, with intention.

It’s what I teach my clients every day and it is so much fun! I love the look of relief when a person realizes how to take their power back.

Let me fill you in with my story around what I was getting coached on, it’s possible my story might help you find relief in your own story.

Imagine a weekend being spent relaxing in a beautiful place, with the people you love.

I had gone into the weekend choosing love from my higher self and committing to really watching my mind around all things that could potentially cause a mental spin out.

You see even the people we love, and usually the ones we love the most, or are working on loving the most, can cause us to derail…wait, let me back up…THEY don’t cause us to derail.

No one can cause you to derail.

They do something, you have a thought about that something, it’s that thought that would cause you to derail.

Maybe one of these people were with me on this weekend, in this beautiful place 😉, now you see why I had my commitment to watching my thoughts.

Throughout my wonderful weekend, I allowed myself to self coach and really embrace every bit of what was happening.

I even went home with an overall sense of accomplishment and pride knowing I had managed to enjoy my time, not allowing other people’s actions to affect me how I showed up.

Fast forward a few days, sitting in a coffee shop, enjoying conversation with a friend. A friend who had participated in the relaxing weekend with me.

I had thoughts about how she was acting that made be feel a bit curious about what was happening for her, yet I allowed the thoughts to drift away .

But then the words came out, “I have something I want to share with you, something that has been bothering me.”

Sweats set in, blood pulls into my core, thoughts of what could possibly be wrong flood my mind.

Within minutes, while the story was being shared, my brain started bringing up thoughts that generated emotions of anger, unfairness, unworthiness, unlovability, resentment, regret, retaliation…🥵

All around a story of a conversation, about me.

My relaxing weekend was destroyed in an instant.

Sound at all familiar?

Funny thing is that I already had known that the third party person in the story probably felt the way they did. It wasn’t until it was said out loud to me, the confirmation of my suspicions, that I started to have thoughts that seemed like truths.

This my friends is where we get stung, when we see our thoughts as truths.

Old stories of this person, this person I had done so much work to come closer to loving, came flooding into my head.

All the old evidence that produced my old beliefs came right up to the surface.

The me prior to learning how to self coach, prior to hiring my own coach, prior to taking this work and sharing it with you, would have been a hot mess, still, much longer after the actual story occurred.

All resolved in one coaching session.

Put in the past, a non-issue, back to the work I had been doing on learning to love people that “hurt me”.

Moral of the story: It isn’t in our power to change others. When we try, and expect them to change so that we can feel love, we are the only ones who suffer.

You only have the power to control your own thoughts, so that you get the results that best serve you.

We get to choose either belief:

  • The one that only hurts us which is that, “They treat us poorly.”
  • The one that gives us freedom and allows them to be who they are, which might be something like, “They are treating themselves poorly.”

We can believe that we get to feel good, on purpose, and not allow someone else to choose our thoughts and feelings.

I love feeling good on purpose.

Leave the suffering at their doorstep, don’t let it in.
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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Beat The Post Holiday Blues Today

Today is post New Year’s Day, the buzz everywhere seems to be a high energy excitement over starting anew.

Everywhere I look I see tips on how to make this the best year yet.

Focus on the new, leave the old behind.

Who’s on board?

As I ease back into work I had, with intention, planned on taking the past two days to review this past year, self coach and plan.

Can I be brutally honest?

Day 1 was rough.

Mostly self coaching.

I had a morning of thought downloads and models, around all things holidays, and my brain just had a bit of an incredible summarization of it all.

I had this beautiful picture in my head of what Christmas looked like, in my mind, as we approached December 25.

It was a picture of peace and shimmery perfection. Presents arranged in an orderly fashion under the tree. Stockings hung on the chimney with care.

The morning of Christmas coming quietly and gently.

Like a fairy tale.

Sort of like the Bible story of our Savior.

I had done the work I do, and teach, of self coaching around all of the upcoming potential relational sticky situations.

I felt confident about what the coming days would bring and how I would get through them.

Then there is the gradual unraveling that occurs as the presents are dispersed.

The boxes are unwrapped.

Within minutes the serene beauty dissolves into a pile of boxes, bubble wrap and shredded wrapping paper strewn in a pile in the center of the room.

My mind likened this picture to what can happen in a moment, even when we’ve perfectly prepared our minds. We’re left sitting in a mental messy pile, re-hashing Aunt Sally’s words, blaming Uncle Al for ruining the meal with his disgusting jokes and creating even more of a messy mess as we gossip about people who aren’t able to join the celebration.

Then everyone goes back to their homes.

Everyone goes back to their same old, same old.

Leaving our brains empty and confused.

Much like our homes of Christmas undone.

As I write this post so much more is coming into my brain about how this vision parallels the whole meaning of Christmas and the birth of Christ. How He came to save us from what we’ve undone. It’s actually quite beautiful. <pause, take a deep meditative breath, continue on>

If you, like me, struggle with the transition back into life as we know it, then you’re not alone my friend.

In year’s past I would envy people who seemed to be able to wake up after it all and just move on, right into the next thing.

I’m now convinced that these people are rare and either doing a fantastic job with their own self coaching or, most likely, battling the inner battle of not taking the time to process their emotions, pushing it all deep down only to erupt sometime in the future.

I can now easily see, after a day of allowing transition, not fighting it, and self coaching, the process doesn’t need to be such a mess.

Maybe there is freedom in just allowing the mess.

Ok, not just maybe, there is complete freedom in allowing it all.

Let me see if my past post Christmas scenario is anything like yours:

  • Weeks of buffering
  • Weeks of pretending I was all in on my goals
  • Weeks of ruminating over what was

If you find yourself overeating the stale holiday delights, ruminating over words said at the Christmas party, out spending the blues away, beating yourself up over indulgences that you shouldn’t have indulged in, then let me give you some hope.

It does not have to be this way.

You can believe that a better option is available for you.

Doing the work of self coaching, working through sticking points with your coach and allowing all of the emotions, both the positive and the negative, will allow you to move through all of the pain.

This work will clean up the mess.

It will replace the emptiness with all of the things that fill you up.

If you have a mixed bag of getting traction with the new you while still letting the ghost of Christmas past sit on your shoulder, I want to invite you to join me on the journey to your true you.

When you learn how to live the life you were created to live, you start to let go of the old habits that keep you stuck in the past.

You drop the dead weight holding you back and get to move into the life you only thought could be a dream.

Let me show you how to make that dream your real life this year because it’s 100% possible, all you have to do is decide to be all in on you.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

If You Know How To Work Your Smart Phone You Can Succeed At Your 2019 Goals.

As I look out over the future, the last quarter of 2019, I can honestly say that I am excited!

A couple weeks ago I took inventory over my past year. I had a list that made me smile.

Then I started thinking about how my previous years have strolled by. Just like all of us, I’ve had better years along with the good years.

Did you notice the difference in that last sentence? Did it sound odd? I didn’t say anything about those BAD years. There is a good reason for that, I no longer look at any of my life experiences as bad.

They happened.

I couldn’t change them, trust me I really tried hard to though.

So I re-wrote them.

I re-created all of my negative past life stories into beautiful stories of powerful strength. All stories that now serve me to keep looking forward instead of back into the past. They no longer have power over me because I took the power and called it my own. Power that is propelling me into the highest potential of my future self.

Then I started thinking of all of you.

What do you think when you look back at the first three quarters of 2019?

What do you have planned for the last quarter so that you can bring a beautiful completion to it all? Tying it all up in a bow so you can open it and boldly move into the new year.

I know what your brain is telling you.

It thinks the best idea is to just put it off until 2020.

Why wouldn’t it?

You know, there’s all of those holidays coming up anyway, there isn’t enough time. It’s going to be SO busy. There definitely won’t be time to start those dreams that you’ve already put off most of the year.

This is where you want to pause and become aware.

Become aware of the fact that your brain is only doing what you have taught it so well to do.

I mean tell me the truth, how many times have you tried to:

  • lose that weight
  • save that money
  • plan that vacation
  • stop that drinking
  • stop losing time in front of your phone, computer or television screen

Remember, you can argue with your brain, go back and read this post for a refresher course.

Give yourself an early Christmas gift of creating positive change in your life.

It will be the gift that you give yourself that will keep giving in a life of pure satisfaction and joy.

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My Awaken(YourTrue)You program teaches incredibly powerful women like yourself how to identify and live out your truth. How to believe in your success and boldly share it with the world. How to leave a legacy.

I offer a free call to anyone brave enough to take the steps of creating the life they were meant to live. It’s a call for you to decide if this work is for you or not. I believe it is.

Share this message with a friend who needs to hear it, for every woman willing to do the work of becoming her best self there will be thousands of others impacted by her journey.

This is my life, join me in my mission to save the world, one powerful woman at a time.

What Is Causing Your Discontent?

Discontent according to Google: dissatisfaction with one’s circumstances.

When you look at your life are you unhappy with your current results?

Are you always wishing something we’re different? If you could just…

change your husband,

change your boss,

change your job,

change your bank account balance.

Do you look at other people’s lives knowing that their life is so much better than yours?

I have some awesome news for you, there is only one thing causing you to feel discontent.

That one thing is your thoughts.

Your thoughts about your life, your thoughts about other people’s lives.

This is awesome because you have the power over the process of changing your thoughts so that you can achieve the results that work for you.

Changing your circumstance isn’t going to create contentment in your life.

Not if your husband does all the things you expect him to.

Not if you get a new husband.

Not if you get a new boss or a new job or a different amount in your bank account.

Temporarily these things may work but you are still you, your thoughts, which create your personality, so with the change in circumstances.

Let me share an example with you that can be translated into whatever circumstance is creating discontent for you in your life.

Let’s look at your job. You hate it. Your boss is controlling. You don’t like the people you work with. You want to find a new job, one that will make you happy.

First, remember that you create your happiness (through your thoughts), not your circumstance.

Second, remember that your brain is traveling with you to that new job and though it may be amazing for a while, the same old brain is going to be thinking the same old way. When you find out that those co-workers weren’t all you thought they were. When your amazing boss gets replaced by a new boss, gets replaced by your old boss. Now the cycle repeats because you haven’t done the work needed to keep this cycle from repeating.

That is what I do for you, I teach you how to see that new boss and those co-workers as the perfect people in your life. I show you how to change them into people that you can actually enjoy going to work with. I even show you how to do that without changing anyone except you.

It’s awesome.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

A Different Kind Of Argument That You SHOULD Participate In!

Today is Monday and this seems to be the day that my brain likes to argue with me. It never used to argue with me, it would just tell me what to do and I would just listen to it.

Can I just tell you that this has gotten me into a whole lot of trouble in this life so I would highly suggest you read on if you want to avoid that as much as possible. Let me just add that each of my mistakes has made my life more rich and makes this journey that much more colorful but my purpose is to guide you along the easier path and to show you what is truly possible in this life!

Most of us are very familiar with what an argument is all about. Usually it’s between two, or more, people, each having a different opinion and each wanting to prove that their opinion is better than the other.

The need to be right in relationship arguments costs us our peace.

Today though, I want to turn this relationship around into a relationship that DOES warrant a good, strong argument.

It’s the relationship between you and your brain.

I want to ask you, did you know that you could argue with your brain? You can and you should.

Actually, the best thing you can do is question and argue what your brain is telling you.

Most of us just listen to our brain and accept everything it tells us to be truth. What you might not know though is that the brain would prefer you not fight for what you want.

Your brain would prefer you:

not work hard to succeed at your goals,

take the day off,

put that task off for sometime later,

go look at social media instead,

eat the food you told yourself you wouldn’t eat,

not work on that relationship that you have been mending,

spend the money,

drink the drink,

I want to challenge you to start paying attention to what your brain has to offer you, it’s quite interesting how we let it rule over us.

To give the brain credit, it is only doing what it is designed to do, as well as what we have taught it to do. You see, our brains are created to be motivationally driven to seek pleasure, avoid pain and to seek ease, it’s called the motivational triad, which I won’t be getting into today but it is the source of many of our modern problems.

Basically your brain is going to tell you to take the day off or so that task later when it just seems too hard (seek pleasure).

It’s going to tell you to spend the money, eat the food, drink the drink to avoid the pain of whatever negative emotion you may be experiencing (avoid pain).

Then, when things start to get hard, when you’ve done the easy steps towards your goal and now you’re starting to feel uncomfortable, your brain will tell you to take a short cut (create ease).

Once you actually start seeing what the brain is offering you, the next thing I want to do is challenge you to argue with it.

This is going to feel uncomfortable for awhile but once you start doing it you’re going to win and winning will start training it to not think in it’s old way.

Yet sometimes it’s pretty sneaky, like my brain today, and you forget about the fact that you can challenge what it is offering to you.

With practice you will get much quicker at the draw and you will be able to not only argue with your brain but you will also be able to win, always.

Winning these arguments are what will move you forward into the next version of yourself. The version that completes their goals, doesn’t put that task off and doesn’t eat the food or drink the drink.

I love these arguments but even more, I love winning them!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.