From Shutdown to Alive In Our Marriage Ep 22

From Shutdown to Alive In Our Marriage | Relationship Coach

When you think back to the beginnings of your marriage, you might remember that time being one of giving all of yourself to that relationship; they were your everything, you’d do almost anything for them. Fast forward to now, where you feel like you are in a marital desert; you feel disconnected and distant in this relationship that you said “yes” to. Today let’s talk about how we get to what I’m calling marital shutdown and how we go from shutdown to alive in our marriage relationship.

Getting to marital shutdown

Let’s start with what marital shutdown is. A marital shutdown is when we stop taking action towards developing a relationship with our partner that matters to us. We maybe make half-hearted attempts to connect, but when things don’t go our way, we use it to reinforce the thought that our marriage is failing and has stopped growing.

Marital shutdown comes from a series of actions that either you take or your partner takes that create a feeling of hurt and has you pulling away and maybe even taking actions that might cause the other to pull away. It’s a slow process of each of you giving a little less of each other, not clearing up what got in the way of relationship growth and having one or both of you withdrawing a little bit here and there. Over time you find yourself in a place that you never wanted to be, not really knowing how you got here or how to change directions. You feel lost in a distant marriage, surface level, and disconnected.

How we get to an alive marriage

Let’s start with what an alive marriage looks like. An alive and fully awakened marriage is not a marriage where we behave “perfectly” all the time, whatever perfect marital actions are. An alive marriage is where we own our actions, understand why we took those actions, and share with our partner what happened and why. When we share, we share from a place within, taking full responsibility for why we responded the way we did and using the experience to learn, grow and create a more intimate relationship with our partner/

How we get to alive is honestly the same way we got to shutdown, by taking small steps of vulnerable actions. We start taking steps that feel super uncomfortable but help us understand each other better. We begin to feel empathy for what the other person is experiencing and have compassion instead of judgment.

Our marital relationship and any relationship will be stuck at a level of closeness based on our mutual willingness to be vulnerable and expose ourselves. If we want to get to a higher level of closeness in our marriage, one of us needs to be willing to be a little more vulnerable. When we take small steps of vulnerability, it leads our partners to feel comfortable following us, and this is why AwakenYou is so powerful. In the program, you learn how to take the steps you want to take in the marriage you want to create, and as you do that, your partner will follow, I promise!

Examples of vulnerable steps you can take to move from marital shutdown to an alive marriage

  • Holding their hand
  • Setting your phone down when they talk and engaging with all of your attention
  • Planning a date and inviting them
  • Telling them what you appreciate about them
  • Sharing a compliment
  • Giving them a small gift
  • Writing a love note and tucking it into their work bag
  • Inviting them to help you with a project or asking if they’d like help with a project they are working on
  • That thing you wish they would do for you, you do it for them
  • Making them their favorite meal or snack
  • Letting them pick the movie and not complaining about it
  • Inviting them to join you in a game

I’d love to hear your ideas of how you could take a tiny, powerful step forward in your marital relationship. Every little step you take will empower you to feel more courageous to take the next step and what you will see is how your partner is following in your footsteps. Join the other women who have joined AwakenYou and brought their marriage from shutdown to thriving by implementing the processes I teach in the program. You, too, will be one of the women who learns that they have the power to actually shape their marriage into exactly what they want and live a life of dedication to their truth.


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

The Power Of Pause Ep 21

The Power Of Pause | Relationship Coach

We are at the six-month marker of 2021. Halfway through the journey of achieving those goals we set for ourselves at the start of this year. Today I am going to share a little secret about the power of pause right now, at this time of the year, in your life. What I am sharing with you today is actually going to fuel you with the power you need to keep making strides towards hitting that impossible goal you intend on achieving by the end of this year.

To kick this episode off, I am going to be completely forthcoming with all of you. This year I have let go of a few of my power of pause practices because I was “too busy” focusing on my goals, telling myself the lie that I don’t have the time to pause. Instead, I have been incorporating some new practices that have given me newfound gratitude for my body and the messages it sends me that I typically ignore by staying in my head. I have been practicing and preparing a new level of breakthrough for my AwakenYou program that incorporates getting out of our heads and into what the body is telling us. I have always known the power of the body, but in the past, it was more about using my head to power through, which ultimately leads us to fall short of the goal that is possible for us.

I’d love for you to think of a time when you knew you needed time off, you felt it in your body, but instead, you ignored your body and used your mind to keep pushing forward, promising yourself when you get to the next step you’ll take a break. Lie, lie, LIE. Then what happens? Your body takes over the show and forces you into a pause. Really think about a time that this happened in your life, go there and visualize it, think about how it felt when you were “stuck” mending your body, waiting for it to heal so you could get busy with those goals. Then, of course, not using the pause to learn and grow but instead diving in when your body starts to set you free to see how you will practice the pause moving forward.

I just experienced this last week. I came off of a week up at my brother’s cabin for my birthday. I was afraid to take even a whole day off, “my business is depending on me” were the thoughts I was hiding behind. I came home from a stunning week, my body not feeling quite right, and using my new practice, I focused on listening to the signals my body was sending. It was loud and clear; you are sick, and it’s time to let go and let God. So I did. I let a throat and ear infection ride its course and honored their reasons for being there; they were looking after me, teaching me the power of the pause.

The body knows, and I am so grateful for that and am softening into the practice of listening with a pearl of newfound wisdom as I share the steps I am taking in my practice of the pause. I’d love for you to join me and share your experience. Together let’s honor our dreams to reach goals that could never be achieved without this practice. Let’s recommit to the goal we are completing over the next six months, the future we will create for ourselves, and the marriage we love coming home to.

If you struggle with taking time for yourself, make this a short practice to start; I’m starting with one day; maybe you give yourself a half-day and then ask yourself how to create space for a full day the next quarter. Grab yourself a notebook and pencil to take notes and decide right now what day you will practice the pause with me. Commit. Write it on the calendar and honor your commitment. Me? I’ll be doing mine this Friday, and yes, my brain is already making excuses about how this is not going to work out but I’m willing to listen and hold that fearful child while I move forward and do it anyway.

The first step to the power of pause is writing an achievement list

Schedule thirty minutes at the start of your scheduled day to write down all of the things you have achieved this year. ALL of the things, regardless of whether they apply directly to your planned goal or not.

  • All of the uncomfortable conversations you have planned and followed through on
  • All of the adventures you have planned with your partner and followed through on
  • The impossible goal you have written down and the steps you have taken to move towards achieving it
  • The time you have taken to do your daily practice of examining your thoughts and planning how you will thin out those that are anything but useful

Look through each month/week/day of this year so far and remember. The way I remember is by writing them down every single day. I daily write down at least three things I made happen that day; some days, it is getting out of bed. From these daily achievements, I collect the ones that stand out and make me proud of my daily work.

Secondly, take a look at that impossible goal you set for 2021

Take fifteen minutes to revisit that impossible goal and all of the mini-goals you set to get there. No condemnation. No judgment. No should haves.

  • If you’ve already achieved them then high five yourself! Could you reset your goal for something bigger?
  • If you “haven’t” achieved them ask yourself how all of the achievements from the first step have moved your needle forward allowing you to get closer to your goal.

Step Three is to review and renew your commitment and compelling reason

Take fifteen minutes to look at your commitment and the compelling reason that you set for yourself. Recommit and decide if you need to make your compelling reason more compelling. If you haven’t ever written out a commitment and compelling reason for your goal achievement, I have a worksheet just for you, grab it here. (share document to mailing list sign up)

Visualize your completion of your goal

Take fifteen minutes to write about what your life will be like when you reach your stretch goal for this year; how will you feel? What are your weeks and weekends like? Describe them in detail. How do you interact with your partner? What are you doing on a day to day, week to week basis? How will you start living into that person now? Create your vision so you can start living into who she is and looking to her for advice when things feel hard.

Lastly, download strategies you will implement to finish strong

This is a fun contemplation exercise where you get to let go and allow yourself to dream big.

  1. Start by asking yourself a question, “What strategies will I take to reach my goal of having a fun, joyful, loving marriage?”
  2. Do a 5-10 minute contemplation, set a timer, where you empty your brain and focus on your senses. Don’t think about your goal and how you will achieve it. When you notice yourself in your brain thinking, come back to your breathing, touch, sight, or other senses.
  3. After your contemplation, ask yourself the question again and allow yourself to free-write ideas. Fill a page with any ideas that come to your mind, yes, especially those that sound stupid and ridiculous.
  4. Pick at least five out of your list to implement; for more ideas of implementing and following through, check out this post: (link to goal setting article).

Now about the implementation

Take these five steps and spread them out throughout the day you have set aside. Schedule them on the calendar or a piece of paper, plan your success. Pay close attention to what comes up for you when the time comes for you to take the next step; expect your brain to come up with other “more fun” ideas instead of what you planned. Visualize and think about how you will feel when you follow through on what you planned on doing and then do it anyway, no matter how uncomfortable you feel.

In between these five steps, you will plan something fun, something that lights you up and takes you away from thinking about your goals and where you are right now with them. Singing, dancing, cooking, swimming, gardening, running through the sprinkler, doing cartwheels, biking, laying in the sun, reading a chapter in a silly book, buying a coffee or tea at a cafe you have meant to visit. Whatever it is that fills your heart with joy, do it, and then dive into the next step.

I highly suggest no media on this day to increase the power of your pause.

I am doing mine this Friday. Let me know when you are doing yours, and let’s share in the energy and power we are creating. Maybe you want to do it with me; we’ll send each other powerful, dream-building vibrations. Then I want to hear how it went for you because you know I will be sharing my experience with you!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Self Coaching Model

Self Coaching Model | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Congratulations! You have made it to week 7 of this seven-part series, where we have been doing a deep dive into the self-coaching model, the very first tool I teach all of my clients. You having this tool means you will be able to start doing your own self-coaching, which is never a replacement for working with a live coach, but helps you get through those spaces between sessions. For the past seven weeks, I have taken each piece of the model, explained it, and shared some weekly homework to help you better understand how each piece works. Having a better understanding of each piece allows you to have a better understanding of the whole model once you start putting it together, which is today!

If you happen to be joining this series today, I want to encourage you to go back to week one and take your time to process through each post up to this week. Today we are going to see how the pieces of the puzzle get put together.

The self-coaching thought model consists of five elements that we have discussed in this series and all of which I will briefly overview below. The model looks like this, I have also created a Self-Coaching Thought Model cheat sheet to share with you to better explain:

You have a C (circumstance) in your life.

You have many T’s (thoughts) about that one C, which you will discover in your thought download, put one of the thought from your download into your model.

That specific T (thought) will create a F (feeling). Often it will create many feelings but you will only put the strongest emotion in the F line.

That F (feeling) will make you show up in several ways (A). That F will make you take several different A (actions) and inactions.

The A’s (actions) you take with create a specific R (result) for you.

That R (result) is evidence of your T (thought), always. This is why we focus so strongly on our thinking, how we think about circumstances in our life end up being our result. When we are able to clearly see this result we can start to decide if we like what we are creating and we can stop blaming other people for our results.

The Self Coaching Model process:

You start with your thought download which is you writing down all of the thoughts in your mind, getting them out of your mind and onto the paper. I shared a document in the Brain Flossing post to help you pull the thoughts out of your brain. Then you take one of the thoughts out of that download, I find it best to pick the most painful thought because it is most likely producing something that I won’t like. You put that thought in the T line. Then it’s very important to determine what the exact circumstance is that you are thinking that thought about. Make sure you take your time with this one, really make sure it is factual, specific, and neutral. Many people want to skip this part but don’t, it’s important to see that it isn’t the circumstance causing the problem, it’s always how we are thinking about the circumstance.

After you come up with the thought you want to look at, decide how that thought makes you feel. I shared a document in the feelings post linked above to help you come up with the strongest emotion that thought generates. It’s very likely that the thought makes you feel several different emotions, just pick one, the one that feels the strongest. You can always go back and run a model on a different emotion, or even a different thought about the same circumstance.

Next, I want you to take your time and write down all of the actions and inactions you take from that emotional state you are in when you think that thought about that circumstance. To begin my clients want to write down one or two different actions so they can quickly get to the result but I want to encourage you to come up with as many actions as you can. The more actions you come up with the clearer your result is going to be.

Now see if you can determine your result. Look at all of the actions you are taking, or not taking, and what are you producing for yourself? Look at the thought, does your result resemble the thought you are thinking? Remember that your result in the self-coaching thought model is a result you are creating for yourself. It is never someone else creating your result for you or you creating a result for someone else.

So let’s run through an example just for the fun of it:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband came home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a person and a wife

See how the result ties back to what you are thinking about the fact that he said he’d see you after work and your thought that he never follows through. You end up creating a scenario where you’re not enjoying how you show up and following through.

Know that in each model you will have multiple thoughts going on, including some positive thoughts, go ahead, and do a model on a positive thought. Maybe you also have a thought that he works hard to take care of your family. Let’s put it in a model, making sure to keep the same circumstance:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”. Husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He works hard to take care of our family.

F: Appreciative

A: Text him to see if he knows when he might be home so you can have his dinner warm, give him a hug and kiss when he settles in, ask him good questions about his day, share your day with him, ask him if there is anything you can do to make his evening more relaxing, go about with your evening plans, go to bed as planned, stay focused on yourself, not judging him

R: You work hard to take care of yourself and your family

Now, the thought model is used to help you see the results you are producing as well as feel what your thought is generating for you. One of these two models might be more accurate for you, overpowering the other, let’s say the first model is more true for you. Even though you believe in the second model, you aren’t showing up that way; you are showing up as in the first model. Ask yourself how each model feels, especially the one you are sitting in and why you are choosing that thought over the other. Is that emotional state creating solutions for you, or is it keeping you stuck?

Realizing that it is simply your thought creating this, allows you to decide how you really want to show up when your husband comes home at 8:12 pm, for YOU. The second model helps you to show up 100% differently which then has your husband also showing up differently because he has his own model going on at the same time. You get to find out exactly what happened in his day, you knew about it early and were able to plan accordingly so you could feel good.

Self Coaching Model Warnings

Note that in the beginning, we will often want to “switch” models in the middle of the model. We’ll come up with the thought – emotion pieces and then as we start thinking about how we show up, we realize that we want to show up differently. We start putting actions in the action line that are coming from a different thought and feeling. Make sure that you are really feeling the current thought and emotion you are working within the model so that you see what result that thought produces for you. It’s not for judgment, it’s a tool to help create awareness for what you are potentially creating for yourself, don’t try to change it and deny something you are actually feeling.

Often when we learn how to create our unintentional models we start to beat ourselves up. We start to see that we are creating results that aren’t moving us forward, results we think are messing our lives up. I want to caution you to not do this. The thought model is an awareness tool, it helps us to see what we are creating in our life and that we are the authors of that creation. When we can see this truth and allow it to sink into our consciousness, we can from there decide if we want to keep the current model or create something different. Creating something different is always an option, that is why this work is so beautiful, it shows you how you are the author of your life.

Self Coaching Model Action steps

This week start filling out the whole model, use the model worksheet I shared in the Actions Speak Loudly post. These models that you will be creating are unintentional models, they are models that we are creating unintentionally, by default. The first model I shared is an unintentional model, the second one could be your real model or your intentional model. Intentional models are models we are creating intentionally. If that is your real model then you are intentionally creating a great result for yourself!

These models that you are creating this week will help you see the results you are getting from your current thinking. Before we move into creating intentional models, it’s important to let your unintentional models sink in. Really work on feeling what it is creating for yourself and seeing that your unintentional results are produced by your thinking before you go quickly changing it.

As you do this work during the week, make sure that you also do some models on your positive thoughts. With both negative and positive thoughts look at your result and decide if they align with what you want to create in your life.

This week I’m sort of leaving you hanging on a cliff because I haven’t fully finished this series. I decided to wait until next week to help you start creating intentional models because it’s so important to really absorb your current reality, how it feels and that you are the creator of it.

Don’t allow your models to make you feel guilty/ashamed/angry/frustrated or disappointed and definitely don’t judge your models; just allow yourself to become aware. Feel them and come back next week, where I’ll show you how to create the results that align with who you want to be in this beautiful life of yours.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

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I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

One Year Later – A Reflection

One Year Later - A Reflection | Relationship Coach

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

A few days back, while publishing a recent blog, a thought occurred to me. I was thinking about the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and how last year, during that time away, I was in the middle of a challenge, a challenge to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I looked at my website back office, discovering that it was June 24, 2019, that I started that challenge, 94 blog posts later it had been over a year and it is just something I do.

Today I decided to share some of my reflections about how I got to this place. My hope is that in the process it will help you with any goals you have been thinking about but haven’t taken the action needed to get your desired result.

Thinking about your goal

What is it you want to achieve? How long have you been thinking about it? Way too often in my past life, I had a litany of things I wanted to accomplish, I’d create list upon list, stack them up in my head, take a stab here and there to make progress, never really getting anywhere. Sound at all familiar? I hear it over and over with my clients. We spend so much energy up in our heads spinning around, no wonder we think we’re too busy.

Today I want to suggest a new method.

  1. Write down all of the things you want to do, get them out of your head onto paper.
  2. Next, ask yourself these questions: • “What do I want to do?” • “What do I have to do?” • “What do I need to do?” • “What do I wish I would do?” • “What are the consequences of not doing each of these?”
  3. Look at the list and tell yourself this: “I don’t HAVE to do any of this.”, be honest, this is 100% true.
  4. Then cross off anything on the list you don’t want to do.
  5. Now prioritize your list.

Today I am not going to get into goal setting and goal-accomplishing, I just want you to look at that one thing. The one thing that you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t taken appropriate steps to make anything significant happen.

Let’s make it even simpler: What is the one thing you want to be doing that you’re not doing?

I knew I wanted to be putting great content out for my potential clients to get to know me, to start learning from me and to start practicing what I teach. I wanted something more than just social media posts. I had dabbled with a blog in my previous coaching business but was never very consistent; now, I wanted a different result. I wanted to give my people excellent, constant value.

What are your reasons?

Next, look at that one thing that you want to be doing but aren’t and do the following:

  1. Write a list of all of your reasons why you want to accomplish this dream.
  2. What are your reasons for not wanting to accomplish your dream? Make a list.
  3. Look at each list and ask yourself if you like your reasons.

I 100% loved all of my reasons for starting, and continuing a blog. All of my reasons for not wanting to do it were about fear and hiding; I didn’t like those reasons one bit. I knew it would be a lot of work but I also knew that someday I dreamed of having a podcast and that a blog was the perfect way for me to discover my voice while proving to myself that I could do this.

Decide and be all in on your decision.

If your decision is no, or no for now, drop it. Let it go and stop thinking about it. Stop beating yourself up. You don’t like your reasons for doing it so let it go.

If your decision is yes then it’s time to find your compelling reason to make this dream happen. It’s time to stop letting yourself down ahead of time.

What is your compelling reason?

  • Find it
  • Write it down
  • Refer to it often

You heard mine: I want to provide value for everyone who visits my website, people who will never be my client as well as those who will.

Start planning!

Write down all of the obstacles between here and your goal. I had all sorts of them:

  • I had to figure out where and how I was going to publish these articles
  • I had to figure out what I was going to write about
  • I had to build my self-confidence
  • I had to figure out titles, photos
  • I had to figure out how to publish a website
  • I had to create a Facebook business page
  • I had to get over myself and my mind drama

These were just a few of my obstacles, the biggest one being me. My brain, and all of the reasons it came up as to why this was a bad idea, that I should just skip it.

Then I came up with strategies to overcome my obstacles. Those strategies were all the steps I would take to get to my goal; these steps all got planned out on my calendar. The most important strategy was the one of managing my mind with daily self-coaching.

You know what comes next? You just get started.

Every day I looked at my compelling reason and re-committed.

Every day honoring my plan.

Every day managing my mind.

Every day taking time at the end of the day to evaluate what worked well, what didn’t work, and what I was going to do different.

Here is what happens next:

All of a sudden what was once a challenge is now a part of your daily life. I not only reached my goal but surpassed it, daily setting new goals. Now I have a backlog of blogs ready to go, photos curated, social media content curated AND, the most exciting part for me right now, at this moment: I have started publishing an audio version of my blog!

Every day, one step closer to the day on the calendar I have planned to launch my podcast.

I’d love for you to look back to a year ago. What have you committed to and accomplished since that time?

Do you know what might be even better? Make today the day you’re going to do the work I suggested so that you can look back a year from now and give yourself a high five for doing what you said you were going to do. I can’t wait to hear all about, please do share!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.