Marital Jealousy And How To Let It Go Ep 16

Marital Jealousy And How To Let It Go | Relationship Coach

Jealousy is an emotion that most of us have felt on some level in our romantic relationships and is quite different from envy, a word often used interchangeably. Today I’ll chat a bit about the difference between the two while focusing on jealousy within romantic relationships and how it can bring up emotions that can push our relationship apart if we don’t recognize the root of why we are feeling this emotion. I will also share how to address jealousy to best support our own mental health and wellness. Let’s dig into what marital jealousy is and how you can start the process of letting go and building a more connected relationship with your partner.

Let’s first look at the definition of envy:

Envy, from Wikipedia, is an emotion that occurs when a person lacks another’s superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it.

First, let’s look at our reasons for wishing someone lacked the quality, achievement, or possession. Wishing someone else lacked that quality that we are feeling envy over is us thinking that we can’t have what they have and because we think we can’t have it, we could feel better about ourselves if that other person didn’t have it.

I actually love being curious when I notice feeling envious of someone’s achievement, quality, or possession. Typically, I will initially notice a feeling of discontent around what someone else is doing or something they have. I notice myself judging them as possibly being irresponsible or maybe better than I am, making me feel inferior. When I become aware that I am judging them, myself, or the circumstance, I enjoy asking myself what it is about what the other person is doing, or what they have, that I wish I could do or wish I had. At this point, I can decide whether I want to pursue what they are going after and doing or if I want to admire them and let go of envy. At this point, I can actually reach out to them from a place of admiration and gratitude. Gratitude because their accomplishment has pushed me to become better and to become aware of a weakness in myself and admiration for their ability to step into fulfilling a desire in their life.

All of our emotions are signals that we want to be aware of, just like the traffic signals; if we ignore them, we will eventually get to a place where we are hurting and become victim to the emotion or a place of dissatisfaction in ourselves because we aren’t stretching and growing into our capability. When we can slow down, pause, use the signal to help us decide where we want to go next, we can let the emotion guide us to a place of spacious, conscious thinking that allows us to let go or open up to a new adventure in our life. When we’re able to process the emotion of envy, it can open us to inspiration around something we’ve been wanting to do but haven’t allowed ourselves permission to do so.

The definition of jealousy:

Jealousy, according to Wikipedia, generally refers to the thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions or safety.

Jealousy is a human relational experience that becomes evident in the early ages of human development and envelopes other emotional aspects like anger, resentment, fear, inadequacy, worthlessness, disgust. When we look at jealousy within the confines of marriage, it can tear a relationship apart and cause a couple to create distance between themselves. Still, when we look at it from a different perspective, we can see jealousy as a place where you can work on your own personal growth.

Oftentimes, jealousy is rooted in low self-esteem, lack of self-compassion, self-trust, fear of unmet needs. It is often insecurity within ourselves around our desirability, ability, and worthiness to be a good partner, and we project that insecurity onto our partner. Seeing this fear within ourselves opens up a beautiful opportunity to dig in, explore, look inward and grow.

Going back to listen to episode 1 (How To Start Loving Yourself), episode 10 (One Simple Way To See If You Trust Yourself), and then episode 12 (Three Steps To Building Self Trust) will help you start taking steps to build your self-confidence and allow you to start the process of letting go of the grip jealousy might have in your marriage relationship.

When we start looking at our jealous feelings, we start looking at what is going on within ourselves and see what is triggering the emotional response. Learning how to process your emotions helps you to see where the weak link inside of you might be and then opens up your mind to the possibility of creating a conversation around what you are experiencing without putting the blame on your partner.

When we start looking inward, becoming aware of the fear that is arising within ourselves, and then do the work of processing through what thoughts are coming up for us, we can start separating out what is simply insecurity within ourselves and possibly something we might want to discuss with our partner. If we choose to have a conversation with our partner, it will come after taking time to access and manage, coming up with what you might say and how you will say it in a way that centers around you and your thoughts and feelings, without placing any blame on them for creating how you feel. We can state the circumstance, and what thoughts it generated for us, and how those thoughts made us feel; we do this process through a thought download (read more about this tool in my post “A Daily Tool To Manage Your Mind”) and then running some of those thoughts through a thought model (learn about what the thought model is and how you can use this tool in my post “Self Coaching Model”) so that we can see how we are producing our current result. When we discover the result that WE are producing and see that it is all being created within ourselves, this is often the point where we can start exploring a different option, an option that feels better for us.

When we’re open to having a conversation about what we are experiencing it opens up a vulnerability in our relationship which helps us create a more deep intimate connection with each other and helps create awareness for both parties. These conversations will often open us up to a different option for ourselves and for our partner. We went through an intimacy series recently and this type of conversation where you are opening up to how you are feeling helps build emotional intimacy, you can go back to episode 6 to learn more about emotional intimacy and how to increase it in your marriage.

Let’s briefly talk about three different types of relationship jealousy:

Projection jealousy

Projection jealousy is when we are projecting our own thoughts onto our partner. For example, we are being overly aware of our partner’s actions, jealous of things they are doing or saying, and then turning around and seeing how we might be doing the same thing, creating insecurity around ourselves and our relationship. We are projecting ourselves onto our partner to find evidence of how they may be doing the same thing. Possibly we are looking for validation outside of our marriage because we don’t feel like we are getting it within our marriage, so then we are looking for the same thing in our partner’s actions instead of focusing on ourselves, validating ourselves, and treating our partner the way we want to be treated.

Protection jealousy

Protection jealousy comes when we want to protect ourselves from something that we think might hurt us. It could show up as us attempting to control our partner’s actions to feel better and feel safe. An example could be checking your partner’s email or text messages to protect yourself from something that might be happening that could tear your relationship apart. When we build trust in ourselves, we start letting go of the control we have been placing on our relationship; we’re not ignorant to what is going on in our relationship, we’re actually more in tune with what is happening because we are engaging with our partner instead of sneaking around, focusing on something that isn’t building up the relationship and not trusting them.

Building our self-trust and self-confidence brings us awareness when we feel negative emotions and helps us dig into the why’s of that emotion versus placing the why in the hands of our partner. It empowers us to create the change we want without waiting and needing our partner to do it for us. We actually have a clearer focus of what we are creating in our relationship and trust that we are building a loving, connected, intimate bond with our partner.

Competition jealousy

Competition jealousy is when we are jealous of what we see other people getting and feeling jealousy that we aren’t getting that attention. When we look at this in our marriage, we could look at it from the perspective of scarcity, that we feel like there isn’t enough love and attention to go around, that it all has to be directed to us and if it’s being directed towards our spouse it means we are lacking. I really believe that there is plenty of love to go around when we manage our minds, and we see how emotions like jealousy are limiting our ability and capacity to love. When we take a look at the thought creating this type of jealousy, we will often find that we do not share the love that we wish we were getting, thus depriving us of the love in return.

Feeling the green eyes of jealousy isn’t such a bad thing; it means that we want something from our partner that we feel we aren’t getting for ourselves. We can let this green monster make us angry and resentful, have us pulling away from our partners, taking us further away from the relationship we want or, we can use it as a sign of love and compassion we have for our partner. A signal of an area for us to grow and a way to share with our partner how we would like to be treated and shown love and affection, an opportunity to be the one to take the action that you wish he would take.

Today could be the day where you take your jealousy and use it to pull yourself closer to your partner instead of pushing them away. If you are feeling jealous of your partner and are struggling with how to move out of it, I would love to have a conversation with you about the ways you can turn that jealousy into learning more about who you are and what you want in your marriage. You can book either a free coaching session or a program inquiry call today and notice how that action alone will create some ease in your life!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Being Afraid Your New Freedom Won’t Last

“I’m afraid this freedom won’t last.”

It’s something I often hear from my clients and it comes from our old thinking. It comes from looking to our past for our future results.

This work is about re-wiring your brain, creating new thinking, yet, like anything else, we have to continue the work or our old patterning will come back.

As you start to feel and taste your new found freedom, as you feel the weight of the old you fall away, you will never want to go back to your old way of living. You will feel it, recognize it for what it is because it won’t feel good.

My experience was such a beautiful freedom that I knew I would never go back, sort of like when I gave my life to The Lord.

Yet you still want to guard and protect the work you have done by paying attention to old thinking and reminding it that it no longer lives in you.

Let’s compare it to what God gives us in Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

When I first memorized this verse I saw myself as the guarder of my heart.

This was of course how I thought about it because that is what I had always done.

I protected my heart and my life with control.

When I started to do this work,

When I started to learn what it felt like to love myself fully and to start letting go of my control of others,

This is when I truly understood that I could let go of guarding my heart because through my partnership with the supreme bodyguard of my heart, I could let go.

The Holy Spirit is the ultimate protector of our heart.

How do we protect this freedom that we are cultivating in our hearts?

We want to choose love on a daily basis.

Choosing love casts out fear, just like God’s perfect love.

Control is rooted in fear.

So to make your freedom last you will make it a daily practice to step into love.

If you want to read further on in your bible, I suggest you read John 15: 1-17

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

How To Ask Great Questions

Every morning I ask myself a positive question and I write it down at the top of my time management planner.

When we ask our brain questions it will start looking for answers.

I love how our brain works!

Funny thing though is that we most often tend to ask our brain negative questions.

“Why can’t I figure this out?”

“Why can’t I lose this weight?”

“Why is my boss so selfish?”

“Will this ever work?”

They all seem like great questions but when we think about taking action to get the results we want in our life these questions aren’t going to get us the answers we need.

These sort of questions will send the brain looking for answers to these questions, this is some of the answers my mind comes up with:

“Um, hello, because you don’t know what you’re doing!”

“I can’t control myself around food.”

“He/she is only looking out for him/herself.”

“Of course not!”

These answers do nothing in the way of helping me find a solution to my problem, or yours.

One thing I tell my clients to do is to ask the exact opposite question, allowing your brain to start searching for different answers, answers that can allow you to start solving the problem!

One of the rules I learned when I started the work of self-coaching is that the answer “I don’t know” just isn’t an option, my master coach, Brooke Castillo, won’t allow this as an answer to any question.

No matter what.

“I don’t know” stops you from moving forward, instead I like to ask myself, and my clients, “If you did know, what would you say or do?”

Doing this allows us to take one step forward, then we can ask “What next?” and answer it.

If you knew the answer to your positive question, what would you do next?

I want to share my favorite question to ask lately.

“What would it be like to be…?” and then I enter an emotion like “self-confident”.

With this practice, I have been watching when I’m coming up with negative thoughts and then I’ll ask myself the question.

I’m pretty jazzed with the results this is producing in my life!

Let me know if you try it and if you do, how it’s working for you, I’d love to help you start asking great questions!

Send me an email if you have questions about this work and I’ll help you move forward!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

When It All Just Doesn’t Make Sense

What is this life all about anyway?

You out there doing all of the things.

Yet no idea why.

Your purpose is gone.

It was never truly there.

This whole time always right there, right inside.

It’s just that no one has told you.

You’re broken.

Broken hearted.

Destructive.

Hopeless.

Lost.

You hate who you are, you hate who you have become.

I just want you to know that I know who you are.

I was you.

Though I lived a life of apparent success, a life that people envied, I was hurt, I was broken.

I didn’t know how to love myself so I sought to destroy myself.

I was too strong for that thought, too strong because I was made for so much more.

Created and protected for a day such as this.

A day when I can tell you that you too were created on purpose, with a purpose.

Your life has shaped you into an instrument to be used in the world.

What will you do with it?

My hope today is that this post will give just one person some hope.

Some hope to pick themselves up, clean themselves up and to open themselves up to their very own possibility.

It’s there, this I know, you just have to love yourself and your Savior enough to go find it.

You were created for so much more, this I know and this I want you to know.

XOX

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Slam Dunk Defeat!

Today I have a personal success to share with you, not to brag but to show you how powerful this work that I am doing can be in a person’s life.

This week I had a major shift, an ahh haa moment.

Let me share it with you.

I first want to start with how defeat, the winning kind of course, USED to feel like for me (and if you want to read about both kinds of defeat go read yesterday’s post).

AMAZING!

Like the world just stopped spinning, amazing!

You know why?

It’s because I would have a thought along the lines of “WHAT?!? Like, what just happened?!?”

Basically it was amazing as in exciting, but also with a whole lot of surprise, like “Did that REALLY just happen?!?”

Don’t get me wrong, with most things, like in my bodybuilding career, I am a hard worker and when I set (some) goals, I went out and got it.

WHY?

When we set out to achieve goals from a place of not loving ourselves, with lack of self confidence, while living a facade, we are truly just throwing the dice and hoping for the best.

Of course the other sort of defeat, the losing sort, would always feel a bit awful, which was all about me and my inability, my unworthiness.

Fast forward to two years post life coaching, let me tell you that now BOTH defeats sort of feel the same ?.

Let me explain and share this week’s recently observed transformation.

Thirty two days ago I set out on a journey to check off a requirement I have as I work on launching my life coaching business this year.

That task was to write thirty blog posts in thirty days.

I had several thoughts about this task and of course I’ll share a few:

  • “This might be hard”
  • “This could be fun.”
  • “I might not be able to do this.”

Then as I got closer to finishing:

  • “This is easy.”
  • “I can’t wait until this is over”
  • “This is so hard.”
  • “I can’t wait for this to be over and to CELEBRATE this milestone.”

Then as the thirty days approached I felt like every other day (well, almost every day): accomplished,  proud, successful.

I kept waiting for the fireworks.

Then day thirty one came and it was just another day…

I even wrote another blog post…

I asked myself what was happening here? Am I depressed? Did my brain forget to throw myself a party?

Why doesn’t this defeat make me want to party???

Let me tell you why my friends; because I never doubted myself.

WHY?

From a place of complete, utter self love and self confidence I did the work.

I enjoyed the work.

I believed in myself, did it and moved on to the next goal on the list.

This my friends, is what I want for you as well, the self confidence to know that you can do whatever it is you set out to do and then be on to the next like it’s no big deal.

Like it was totally supposed to happen.

With no surprise, it’s just what is in your life, you love yourself and trust that you will do what it takes to make it all come together.

When this happens for you, that is when you will start manifesting your purpose.

Every day.

XOX

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

Three Steps To Changing Your Past Life Story

Three Steps to Changing Your Past Life Story | Relationship Coach

My personal transformation process really started to kick in when I finally decided I was tired of hiding and tired of fighting with my past life story. Check out this article I wrote about how freeing this process is.

There was definitely plenty of transformation going on prior to that, the biggest transformation happening when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  So many beautiful things happened after this point in my life but, as we humans like to do, I continued to hold on to past regret, resentment, and disappointment. Though I knew that I had been washed clean I still had a practice of rehashing my past, blaming others and myself for things I had done wrong.

Then I found The Life Coach School where my Master Coach Brooke Castillo literally changed my brain around the past. She helped me to clearly see how this energy I was spending was affecting my life. Her teachings helped me to see that my past was perfect, it happened, it can’t be changed, and how I was giving so many other people power over my current life.

Then through the teachings of Rick Warren in The Purpose Driven Life, it truly sank in how I was perfectly imagined even before I was placed in the womb of my mother. How He knew everything I would do before I had done it, how He had allowed it all.

As I do this work, continuing to peel the layers back, I clearly see how I didn’t understand my worth. How I made some poor choices because I didn’t matter to me. What truly matters is that He knew my worth and He covered my poor choices in love and protection.

He saw way more in me than I saw in myself.

Step one is truly understanding your worth.

You are worthy, no matter what. No matter what you’ve done. No matter what anyone has done to you. No matter what anyone else tells you. No matter what you tell yourself.

Everyone is worthy.

Anything else is a lie.

Step two is understanding that your past is perfect.

I know this seems like a hard lump for some of you to swallow but please stay with me.

You cannot change your past, no matter how long you argue with it, it will never change.

The only thing that you can change is how you think about it. When I realized the energy I was spending on my past and how it was taking so much away from what I could build in my present and future, the light bulb went out.

Yes. I said out. I turned the light out that I was shining on pieces of my past. Yes, I do continue to turn that light on but less often and when I do turn it on I am starting to see something different. I am starting to see a beautiful young girl trying to find her way in this world.

I see people in that beautiful girl’s life who also was hurt and struggling with their own life stories.

I have taken the power I was giving to other people back for myself. I am using all of that extra power to build a crazy good life for myself and the people in it. I am sharing this work with other beautiful women like myself, which makes my heart full and I believe that makes the heart of Jesus full as well.

Step three is to start sorting through the past life events that cause you pain.

One of the first things I did was to sit down and write my life story, which in itself was cleansing. Then really start recreating the story, notice how we are laser-focused on certain details in the story, completely forgetting other details. Notice how other people may actually tell the same story differently, we all take different pieces away from the exact same situation.

Here is a process that can be helpful for you:

  1. Write about that event.
  2. Write your current story about that event.
  3. Write down the facts of that event.
  4. Write down the story that you really want to tell yourself about what this particular event means.
  5. Write down what you want to keep from this event, something that is powerful and strengthening.
  6. Write down what you can now let go of from this story.

For some of our most painful experiences, this may be a process that you will want to do multiple times until your new story is true and your old story has been released.

As I do this work some of what I wrote at the beginning of this post was a recent breakthrough: that God saw more in me than I saw in myself.

This makes me strong.

This makes me grateful.

This makes me overcome.

If you’re ready to start re-writing your past life story and taking the massive action of moving into a future where you are all in and in love with life then getting over your past is a perfect place to start!

💓💓💓💓💓💓💓

I am a life coach who works with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.