Welcome to another week on the podcast, it is a beautiful week here in the upper midwest, fall and its beautiful earthy tones are on point. This week’s episode is one I have been pondering to myself because I was a bit uncomfortable with how to present what I wanted to say and how I wanted to say it so what I decided was to just do it and see what comes out. If you are here it is most likely because you are struggling with how you are feeling in and about your marital relationship, you are wanting more than what you have and are unsure about how to go about the undoing of where you’re at.
First I want to say, welcome. Second, I want to share that all things are on the table for discussion here because if we don’t talk about what we are struggling with it is going to be quite difficult to come up with solutions because all we’re doing is burying it. Avoiding. Hoping something different will happen to make this discomfort go away. Something different for sure can happen, but only if you make that something different happen. You want something different, so you have to go after it.
With that said, this week I am going to talk about the six-second kiss that you may have heard about as an action to help create a more loving, connected dynamic in your marriage, then I’ll talk about feeling stuck with this suggestion and the steps to being able to implement the six-second kiss in your marriage.
Let’s dig into what I’m calling the six-second kiss paralysis.
What is the six-second kiss?
I don’t think I have to go into what the six-second kiss is except that it is something many relationship experts suggest a couple implement to help create an intimate connection. Dr. John Gottman from the Gottman Institute discovered that kissing can improve the health of a relationship and I don’t think any of us would disagree with that discovery.
Here are some things a six-second kiss can do:
- It can build a ritual of connection.
- It can create physical touch.
- It can be a bid for connection.
- If your partner has initiated, then it’s turning towards your partner.
- It boosts fondness and admiration.
- It builds appreciation between you.
- It can increase your love maps of your partner’s kissing style.
- It adds to your emotional bank account.
- It can boost your positives for the 5:1 ratio.
- It can lead to sex.
- It can be self-soothing.
- It can reduce cortisol (the “stress” hormone) and boost oxytocin (the “love” hormone).
Don’t worry if you aren’t sure what the meaning is of “bids for connection” or “love maps” or “emotional bank account” or “5:1 ratio” because over the next several weeks I will take each one of these a bit deeper so you can start exploring them while building connection in your relationship.
Six-second kiss paralysis
Six-second kiss paralysis is being stuck in a place of inaction around something you’d love to implement but the implementation seems so disconnected from where you are in your relationship.
You’re here because you want to create a different dynamic in your marital relationship and because you care, because you are tired of what you have been creating, you have probably heard how magical the six-second kiss can be to bringing you and your partner to a new level of closeness. Here’s the problem though, you are so far away from a six-second kiss that you are frozen into non-action. You might be thinking something along the lines of “I would love to have a six-second kiss but we barely have a daily peck and hugs? Hugs are few and far between if not non-existent.” or maybe it’s this, “A six-second kiss? Yeah, sure, he should be giving me that but he ain’t and until he does, you’re crazy if you think I’m going to give in to that!” or maybe this, “He doesn’t seem one bit attracted to me. I’m afraid of the reaction I’ll get if I try to give him the big hug I dream of giving much less a six-second kiss.”
Ok, friends, I get it, trust me, I get it better than you might think. I myself felt shame around what I thought should be simple to implement if I was in a loving relationship, but after analyzing my shame and discomfort I decided to expose myself. I decided to open up to the love I wanted and embrace myself for the love I wanted to create in my marriage knowing full well that I had no control over how my husband would react to my invitation.
While I had heard over and over the magic of the six-second kiss, it felt so uncomfortable because what did it mean? I myself was working on making sure I was showing up authentically and not as my old people-pleasing self. I wanted to do what I wanted to do for myself first and I wanted to be unattached to my interpretation of his reaction. This took time for me, I had work to do on myself and my reasons for my actions and how I wanted to feel if my actions weren’t received the way I thought they should be received, a way that would make me feel loved. I had to get to the place where I would be able to feel love because of my actions, not because of how Jeff showed up.
How to remedy the six-second paralysis
The first thing you have to do is start unraveling what is going on inside of you. It’s the process of looking at how you have gotten to where you are at now in your intimate relationship and why. How are you feeling about where you are at and what is the thought process getting you there? Looking at how you are showing up in your relationship, especially when we get to the place where we see that we’re not particularly happy with how we are showing up, and seeing what result these actions are getting us, instead of turning outward and blaming them for how we are feeling. As we do this unraveling we start to see how we are the creator of how we feel in our relationship and we start to let go of the death grip we have on our partner. We start to let go of the blame and resentment while learning how to show up for ourselves.
The second thing to do is to decide what change you feel only a little vulnerable making, maybe 10% more uncomfortable than what that big step of the six-second kiss would mean for you. I’ve talked about this before but let me say it again, in our relationships we often get stuck at a place of comfort, where each person in the relationship isn’t exposing themselves to anything vulnerable. When we get to this place our desire for each other fades and in order to bring some flame back into the relationship one of the two has to open up a bit in vulnerability. Because you are the one seeking information about how to create a relationship you love, you are the one who gets to do the leading in the vulnerability. Another thing to keep in mind is that if you step out boldly in vulnerability, like maybe 90%, you are most likely going to get an unexpected reaction, a reaction that might push the relationship further away rather than bring it together.
How this opening up begins is by looking at your current routine and asking for something more, from a place of love, desire, not blame. Maybe it would be in the morning when you and your partner say goodbye for the day and maybe give each other a peck. A deliberate step of courage would be to tell your partner you would love a longer hug, maybe a six-second hug. It might feel awkward, pay attention to what comes up for you during that hug, what happens in your body and then write about it. Once you’ve implemeted this baby step of vulnerability, keep doing it until it becomes comfortable for you to ask for a little bit more. After some time with the six-second hug maybe you squeeze him a bit harder and thank him for his time. The next day maybe you ask for a three-second kiss along with the six-second hug and so on.
As you do the work of opening up to a better understanding of yourself and why you are doing the things that you might not want to do in your relationship you begin to have a clearer sight of the things you want. As you do this work and start visualizing that which you want, you start to own it for yourself and begin to create it.
The six-second kiss was something I was originally afraid of, I was afraid of possible rejection until I realized that when I open up to the love I want no one can reject me, they can only reject themselves and the love I choose to pour all over them.
If you are in a place where you want to start implementing new ways of being in your marital relationship then I want to encourage you to come to check out AwakenYou, it is my one-on-one coaching program where I give you the courage and permission to achieve what it is you want in your marital relationship, starting with you. Come join me!
I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.