Shame: What It Is, Why You Feel It And How To Set It Free

Let’s start out with what shame is.

I love my coach instructor Jody Moore’s definition of shame that she used in a recent coaching session:

It’s what we feel when we do something that is out of alignment with who we want to be.

This has been the best description of shame for me because it resonates with me and when I feel shame. For me, it truly does come from times when I’ve done things that were way out of line from who I wanted to be as a human in this world.

The reason we feel the shame:

Judgement.

We judge ourselves negatively for doing the thing that we really don’t want to do.

We think that if we beat ourselves up over what we did it will somehow make us change.

Kind of like thinking that yelling at our kids will make them change.

Thankfully, it doesn’t work like that.

Thankfully because once we become aware of this truth we discover that the solution is within us, not outside of us.

We start realizing that beating ourselves up is giving us the opposite of what we truly want.

What actually happens is we start to get used to the feeling that shame generates and then continue to create the feeling over and over. Our body gets used to the chemical response and will continue to create it every time we do something out of line with who we ultimately want to be.

Our brain likes to look for what’s wrong and you have trained it to continue to respond this way because you’ve done it enough times that it’s now a conditioned response.

Let’s look at some examples:

  • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m never going to learn.”
      • “I’m stupid.”
      • “What is wrong with me?”
      • “Of course I did that, I wouldn’t expect anything better.”
  • I yelled at my child:
    • learned responses:
      • “I’m an awful mom.”
      • “I can’t control my emotions.”
      • “I’m ruining my children.”
  • I spent money I didn’t have:
    • learned responses:
      • “I don’t know how to manage my urges.”
      • “I’m irresponsible.”
      • “I’ll never have any money in the bank.”

How to set it free.

The path to setting shame free is multi-faceted but let’s take a look at how to start the journey.

  • The first step is to become aware of your negative self talk.

When we do something that is against the person we want to be just start to become curious about how you treat and talk to yourself. What do you say? Are you treating yourself with love and compassion? My guess is you are not.

  • Start journalling.

Write down what you did and all of the things you made what you did mean. Write down how those words make you feel. How that makes you show up for yourself.

  • Start generating new thoughts.

From the examples above they might look like:

    • I ate what I told myself I wouldn’t eat:
      • new responses:
        • “I’m open to the idea that I can figure this out.”
        • “It’s possible that I’m smart.”
        • “There isn’t anything wrong with me”
        • “I am becoming the person that expects the best from myself.”
    • I yelled at my child:
      • new responses:
        • “I am becoming the mom I want to be.”
        • “I am learning how to control my emotions.”
        • “My children are going to be amazing.”
    • I spent money I didn’t have:
      • new responses:
        • “Someday I will be able to allow my urges.”
        • “I might be wrong about the thought that I’m irresponsible.”
        • “I will be a person who has money in the bank.”

With time, as you begin to believe the new thoughts, you will be able to create stronger thoughts that will take you to the person who recognizes shame before she lets it in the door.

With time you will be able say hello to shame and kindly ask it to leave.

You can become the person that tells shame that it is no longer welcome because you have replaced shame with self love, self compassion, self confidence.

If you are someone who struggles with shame I would love an opportunity to share a conversation about whether my program is a fit for you. As you become more confident in the possibility of you and creating the life you know you were created to live I’d love to encourage you to slide into the fast lane of your life purpose.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong, success driven women who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it may mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this message and I highly encourage you to get on my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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