Most People Don’t Want Divorce—They Just Don’t Know What Else To Do
Have you ever found yourself wondering, What else can I do?
Maybe you’ve tried talking.
You’ve read the books.
You’ve prayed.
You’ve suggested counseling.
You’ve hoped things would change.
And somewhere along the way, you began wondering if this is simply as good as it gets.
Recently, I attended a marriage roundtable discussion and heard a statement that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about:
“Most people don’t want to get divorced. They just don’t know what else they can do.”
That sentence hit me deeply because, after years of coaching couples, I don’t believe most people are looking for a divorce. More often, they’re looking for relief. They’re looking for hope. They’re longing for a way forward.
In this week’s episode of AwakenYou in Your Marriage, we’re talking about the crossroads many couples find themselves facing and what we can learn from the process of discernment counseling.
When One Spouse Is Leaning In and the Other Is Leaning Out
One of the most difficult situations in marriage is when one spouse desperately wants help and the other spouse isn’t sure they want to continue.
The spouse leaning in is saying:
“Let’s go to counseling.”
“Let’s work on this.”
“We have to do something.”
Meanwhile, the leaning-out spouse is questioning whether change is even possible.
This creates a painful disconnect because each person is starting from a very different place.
Traditional marriage counseling works best when both people share the goal of improving the relationship. But when one spouse is uncertain, sometimes the first step isn’t fixing the marriage—it’s gaining clarity.
Sometimes Clarity Comes Before Commitment
One thing I appreciated about discernment counseling is that it doesn’t rush couples into making decisions.
Instead, it creates space for honest conversations.
It allows both people to talk openly about where they are, how they got there, and what part they have played in the relationship.
This isn’t about assigning blame.
It’s about understanding.
Because sometimes clarity creates movement where confusion keeps us stuck.
Three Possible Paths Forward
One of the most powerful concepts discussed at the roundtable was that couples really have three paths available to them.
1. Continue the Status Quo
This means staying exactly where things are.
No major decisions.
No intentional changes.
Simply continuing down the same road.
2. Separation or Divorce
Rather than avoiding this possibility or rushing toward it, couples are invited to honestly consider what this path would mean and what life might look like moving forward.
3. Reconciliation
Reconciliation isn’t simply deciding to “try harder.”
It’s making a wholehearted commitment to growth and change.
It involves each spouse looking honestly at themselves and committing to an all-out effort to restore the marriage.
Healing requires more than hope. It requires intention.
What If You Don’t Want Divorce—You Just Don’t Know What Else To Do?
Perhaps you’re not trying to decide whether to stay or leave.
Maybe you’re simply exhausted.
Maybe you’re tired of the same arguments.
Maybe you’re feeling disconnected, lonely, or discouraged.
Maybe you’ve run out of ideas.
If that’s where you are, I want you to consider something:
What if the next step isn’t deciding whether to stay or go?
What if the next step is gaining clarity?
Clarity about what’s happening.
Clarity about your own contribution.
Clarity about what you need.
Clarity about what still might be possible.
Because sometimes what feels like the end of the road is actually a crossroads.
And crossroads invite us to slow down, reflect, and intentionally choose our next step.
In This Episode You’ll Learn:
- Why traditional marriage counseling isn’t always the right starting point.
- What happens when one spouse is leaning in and the other is leaning out.
- The three paths couples often face when they’re feeling stuck.
- Why clarity can be more valuable than quick solutions.
- Why most people don’t actually want divorce—they simply don’t know what else to do.
Ready for Your Next Step?
If you’re feeling stuck in your marriage and wondering what to do next, I’d love to help.
I continue to work with coaching clients throughout the summer, although I’ll be limiting my hours to enjoy this beautiful season with family and grandchildren.
If you’ve been thinking about reaching out, I invite you to schedule a Courageous Love Conversation. Together, we’ll talk about where you are, what feels hard, and what your next best step might be.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
Sometimes the most important thing is simply taking the next step.
If you’re feeling sad, stuck, or unsure about what’s next, I’d love to talk with you. Book a Courageous Love Conversation Inquiry Call, and let’s have an honest, hope-filled conversation about what’s going on and what it might look like to begin creating something new—starting from exactly where you are.
