I have found myself getting in the most trouble relationally when I’m in other people’s business, and it happens way more often than I care to admit. My mind loves to make up stories about what they are doing and why they are doing it, which often turns me into one defensive bugger, capiche? If you do, then welcome because that’s what I’m digging into today.
If you have ever made up stories about what our partner is doing, why they are doing it, and how they should be doing it differently instead of minding our own business, then read on my lovely! Today I share why we do this, how it is limiting us, as well as our relationship, and how we can start letting go of being in everyone else’s business.
How we get into other people’s business.
I’m going to get started by sharing some examples as well as what you might be making their words or actions mean. These may, or may not, be examples out of my own self-coaching journals 😉.
- You are quietly doing your morning self-coaching, and hubby comes up and asks if you’d like to eat breakfast outside.
- You’re preoccupied with things that went on during your workday, and your partner says, “You seem a bit bugged.”
- He’s sitting on the couch watching his favorite sports team when there is obviously work to be done.
- She pours herself a drink before your quiet time together.
- Your co-worker asked you to call a customer back to answer their questions.
- Your bestie didn’t send you happy birthday wishes on your birthday.
- Your neighbor didn’t wave at you as you drove by and waved at them.
Believe it or not, these are all neutral circumstances that could be happening in your life or mine; what we commonly do is attach meaning to these neutral circumstances. As an exercise, I’d love for you to come up with some of your neutral circumstances that happened in your day today or yesterday.
What are you making their words or actions mean?
I have been asked this question so many times by coaches that I now understand what to look for when asked. The first few times I was asked this question I was a bit confused as are my clients when I first ask it of them. The question seems a bit tricky, like “What do you mean what am I making it mean?” All this question is asking is that you uncover the story you are making up in your mind about the circumstances. Let’s look at some possibilities around the above examples.
- You make it mean that he is suggesting you stop doing what you are doing and get making breakfast. Rude.
- You make it mean that he thinks you’re mad at him for something. He’s so selfish!
- You make it mean that he isn’t interested in helping out with household chores.
- You make it mean that she needs alcohol to be able to enjoy time with you.
- You make it mean that this task is below her, that your time isn’t valuable.
- You make it mean that they aren’t a very good friend.
- You make it mean that they don’t like you.
Granted, you might not believe that you are making up a story, you may 100% believe that your story is true but how then is that story you’re telling serving you? How is that story making you feel? How is your story making you show up? My guess; probably not the way you want to show up as a partner, a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor. What are you thinking?
Next, I want you to ask yourself this question; I want you to ask yourself this: why are you choosing the story you are telling yourself? This is another question that results in funny facial expressions, you know the one, the “What are you talking about?” look. It’s ok; I remember that look, the one that says, “Come on, you know why I’m thinking that!” Often, we have ideas of how other people should show up in our lives; we have manuals for them. We want them to do things the way we think they should so that we can feel better. If they did something different, what we wanted and expected them to do, it would give us validation. There we are again, wanting someone else to validate us.
Here’s the complex observation I have made in my own life though, when they show up differently, I often STILL think they should be doing it differently! So confusing, do you agree? So what can we do to feel better?
Mind your own business.
Capiche? Keep your thoughts focused on you because we have no idea what is going on in the other person’s model. We have no idea why they are doing what they are doing; in fact, we could come up with some reason that are opposite of what we are making it mean!
Spending our time and energy trying to change other people so we can feel better is something we spend way too much time on. Time we could be spending enjoying our self-coaching, grateful our partners care about how we’re doing and relaxing after work. We could make pouring a drink mean a desire to drink. We could make our coworker’s request mean that we’re really good at customer service. We could make it mean that our bestie just forgot and be the one to reach out to share your love. We could make our neighbors’ actions mean nothing about us and everything about what is going on for them in their life.
Minding our own business and sorting out what is going on inside of us is some of the best work we will ever do, it allows us to show up as our authentic selves while allowing others to do the same. Minding our own business will enable us to be who we are while letting others be who they are and loving them for all of it. I’d love for you to get curious about how you might be meddling in other people’s business by asking yourself these questions, letting go of what you’re making things mean and working on just being the person you want to be. I’d love to hear your thoughts as you implement this work and as always, let me know what you’re struggling with!
Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!
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