“I get it, living with me is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with myself either! I live with myself every day and it’s no easy job.” Come on my friends, any of you said words similar to mine? When I look at those words today I just smile because I truly was creating the result I believed so hard in. You might suggest to me that I shouldn’t smile when thinking back to those days but I’m going to smile, jump in the air and do cartwheels because baby, that ain’t me anymore! Getting from here to there has been the work I have done to get to this feeling,
Sometimes the process of looking forward to our dream relationship is daunting, it truly feels like our life was just destined for drama. When we think about where we are right now and how much work it would take to get to where we want to go, well, it’s easier to give up. The question I have to ask you though is this: “Is it really the work that’s scaring you?”, my guess is it’s not, you’re not afraid of hard work. The thing scaring you and keeping you from your dreams is all the feelings you’re going to have to feel to make that dream a reality. It’s easier to stay where we are, accepting that this right here is just fine. Not only that, what right do we have to even think we can make those dreams come true? It’s all fantasy, dreams only other people achieve. These, my friends, are only thoughts that your brain loves to offer because if we’re honest, it’s what you’ve been telling yourself for years and proving true.
If you’ve been with me the last eight episodes of this blog, then you have learned and are recognizing that you are the creator of where you are, just like I was the creator of being a crappy partner in my head. You’ve also taken the time to dream about what you want to create for yourself, just like I have created a relationship I love being in. Maybe you are so ready to start stepping into that future self that you’ve been waiting patiently for this post, where I show you how to take steps forward. Let’s get to it then!
Before we dig into moving forward let’s do a little review.
This is where we are right now, what we are creating in our marriage, our love relationships, in our lives.
This is where we want to be, where we want to go. It is the relationship and life of our dreams.
How to get from unintentional to intentional or should I say: how to get from where you are to where you want to be.
How to get from here to there.
Step one: you must take tiny little believable steps.
To leap belief from “My marriage is broken.” to “My marriage is everything I hoped it would be.” is going to have you living a false life. If your current state of mind has you believing that your love relationship is broken, you are not one bit close to considering that dream thought, the belief that you want to have. So how do you get from where you are to where you want to go? You start finding thoughts that feel believable and evoke an emotion that moves you forward.
Let’s look at the unintentional thought (My marriage is broken.) and how it’s making you feel, let’s say it’s making you feel hopeless. Hopeless has you showing up in ways that create for you a broken, disconnected marriage by possibly avoiding your husband, not planning ways to connect, not taking uncomfortable action, blaming him for how you feel, not being honest.
What if you could modify your unintentional thought just a bit, in a way to make you feel just a bit better? Maybe one of the following might be a bit more believable:
“I am simply thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”
“Maybe I’m wrong about my marriage being broken.”
“It’s possible that my marriage isn’t broken.”
“I’m open to the idea that someday my marriage won’t be broken.”
Might any of these feel believable? These are a few examples of modifiers that could get you moving forward. These modifiers can be used on any thought that is getting you an undesirable result in your unintentional model. These thoughts could generate an emotion of hopeful and from that emotion have you taking different actions like planning time with your husband, self-coaching on things that come up in your marriage, working on your belief of something better which gives you a result more like doing the work of improving your relationship with yourself and your marriage.
This baby step is the first step towards your intentional model. You take this new thought with you; every time you think your old opinion, you remind yourself of your new thought. What then happens is your belief in the new thought begins to solidify; once this new thought feels normal, it’s time to start working on a more powerful thought. This new thought will help you even closer to that dream model. You can also try thinking one of the thoughts you couldn’t believe earlier. You will continue this work over and over until you eventually are in full belief of your intentional thought model. Let’s try one out, starting at the very top of the ladder with your deliberate thought, the last thought is your current thought, the bottom rung of the thought ladder:
“My marriage is everything I hoped it would be and more.”
“I am creating my dream love relationship.”
“I am going to create my dream relationship with my partner.”
“I am the author of my love.”
“I am dedicated to working on my relationship with myself and my partner every day.”
“I notice when I am loving myself my marriage doesn’t feel broken.”
“I’m going to work on loving myself.”
“My marriage isn’t broken.”
“It’s possible my marriage isn’t broken.”
“I wonder what it would be like to think my marriage isn’t broken.”
“I’m only thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”
“My marriage is broken and that’s ok.”
“My marriage is broken.”
A word on visualization and creating your future self now.
Visualizing and becoming your future self now is a key element of this process. As you are at the bottom of the ladder, standing on the ground in your unintentional thought, you are looking up the ladder at your intentional thought way up at the top. You visualize all of the actions you will be taking when you reach the top. You will feel all of the emotions it takes to get to the top of that tall ladder. You will start becoming the person that is up at the top of the ladder before you actually get there. You know the one; she’s high fiving her partner, smiling at her old self, jumping in the air and yep, doing cartwheels.
Do you know what happens then? You get to the top of the ladder and don’t even realize you are there. You have already built that belief along the way so that when you get there, you are that person! So fun. Until I wrote the first paragraph of this article I can’t even tell you the last time I thought I was a bad partner in my relationships, it’s no longer something I believe and remember I completely believed that disempowering thought, yuck!
Becoming your future self before you hit your goal brings me to something I want to touch on here today. Have you ever achieved a big goal, and then when you got there, it didn’t seem like a big deal? It’s what happens when you do the work of believing in yourself ahead of time. That’s what most likely happened in your life up to a certain point, maybe college, maybe after purchasing your first house or having your first child, and then something happened. You think you stopped creating big dreams when in reality, you stopped dreaming big. Please, NEVER STOP DREAMING BIG!
Action steps to creating your future self.
This week I want you to start creating your own thought ladders, you can create multiples with different thoughts you want to stop believing. I have several going at a time, right now I have one going with my marriage, my business, and money. To help you with this process I created a thought ladder worksheet that I’d like to share with you. Keep them somewhere where you can look at them daily and add to them when you are able to take on a more powerful belief.
I’d love to hear what thoughts you are working on believing in your life and answer any questions that you might have as you do this process. Please share them with me! If you’re interested in more on this topic I shared more in Adopt These Five Thoughts To Create Your Future Self.
I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.