Do You Have Bad Marital Relationship Memories? Ep 57

Do You Have Bad Marital Relationship Memories? | Relationship Coach

Welcome, AwakenYou listeners! I’m so excited to share that today’s episode is the last of the series I have been sharing with you over the last several months where we have been talking about how to divorce-proof your marriage. I love how life gracefully synchronizes itself because I just looked at my calendar to discover that next week’s episode will release on the exact same day that I released my very first AwakenYou in your marriage episode, which was also the very first blog post that I wrote way back in the beginning, that episode was titled How To Start Loving Yourself. When I looked back after a year of writing weekly posts and reading that article, I got tears in my eyes because when I wrote that article, I didn’t realize that this would be the premise of the work I do. My passion is to help women let go of the relationship they have used to protect themselves and bring to life the person they unknowingly held hostage most of their lives. So it feels so good to be wrapping up this series so I can bring you something special next week. What is it you’d like me to share with you? I’d love to hear because I’m not sure yet what I’ll be bringing you! This week we will talk about the memories we have of our marriage, and before we get started, I’d love for you to take some time to think back on your marriage. Does your marriage have bad memories, or do you look back and have fond memories of your relationship with your spouse?

While you’re thinking about that, I want to mention another synchronicity that has happened around this episode and last week’s Marriage Masterclass, where I talked about getting to know your partner and the work of creating your life and marriage memory book! That was not planned, my friends and I believe that these things happen on purpose, and I’ll share more about that as we dig in, but I have one more fun thing to share with you before we do that, and that is my March Mini-Coaching Challenge. I am challenging myself to share 24 free 30-minute coaching sessions this month as a gift to the world. Life will always contain uncertainty, and right now, I think that all of us are experiencing what we might consider a higher amount of uncertainty. Go to my show notes and schedule your session today and then bring me any problem you are struggling with. In that session, you will share that struggle, I will ask questions, and let’s help you create some space to navigate towards your next steps forward.

Here we go! Marriage memories, now that you’ve had some time to think about it, what do you remember about your marriage? Does your mind automatically search for all of the things that went wrong, highlighting them? Does it seem difficult to come up with anything beautifully amazing and joyful?

If you answered yes to both of those questions, you are not alone. When I begin working with my clients and ask them to tell me about the beginning of their relationship, most of them tell me everything that went wrong. They may admit that they probably felt in love with their partner at some point, but they blow over it like it wasn’t mind-blowing awesome. Yeah, I’ve been there and that’s where we start, taking a look at why that happens, and what you can do to start changing the story you tell about your past.

The story we tell about our marriage’s past when we’re unhappy in our life and marriage and why this has become our story

It’s the state we’re in. When we are unhappy in our job, we focus on everything that has gone wrong in our job since the beginning, the same in our marriage. We feel unhappy, and when we feel unhappy, we search for evidence to prove our thought that our marriage is a mess. When we try to think of the happy times our brain is confused, we might remember some details about significant times in our marriage like when we first met, our wedding, vacations. Still, our brains have buried those thoughts that make us feel happy because we are unhappy.

This is why my free Abundant Love course is so important. The course helps you see how your brain is seeking evidence that things are bad; it enables you to change your thought patterns by intercepting them and building a path back to where you are looking at your marriage differently. As you start to look for evidence that things aren’t as bad as you have let yourself think you start to feel better and are able to start doing the work of re-building your marriage foundation and part of that process includes re-writing your re-written past marriage story.

What I want you to first recognize is whether this has happened for you or not. When you look back and tell the story about your marriage’s past, how do you feel? If you’re unhappy in your marriage I would guess that you are not telling a happy story because that would be counter to what you currently believe, this is called confirmation bias. Confirmation bias has you unconsciously searching for, interpreting, favoring, and recalling information in a way that supports your belief. When you were romancing and doing the work of winning the heart of your spouse you were happy and you searched for all of the things that made you happy, discounting those things that might have made you think that things weren’t going so well.

The interesting thing is that NOTHING different has happened to your past story except how you tell it!

How to start changing the story you tell about your past

The process is all intertwined inside the work of deciding that you want to create a different dynamic in your own life and your marital relationship. As you start learning how to feel better about yourself and your life, you will start showing up differently in everything you do. You will start noticing the negative thoughts about your spouse and your marriage and decide that you will no longer think them.

Once you decide that you want to change your relationship dynamic, you start creating awareness around all of the things that I share here in AwakenYou and how they may or may not show up in your own life. In each of my episodes, as I help you create awareness around different personal dynamics, I also share steps to start taking a u-turn away from that dynamic towards the dynamic that will feel better and more aligned with your authentic self.

When it comes to telling the story about our past relationship, I talked about it in this month’s masterclass, which you can watch after listening to this episode, and I will also share highlights of that process today.

Your life memory book

I have created a tool that helps you get to know yourself better called Your Life Memory Book, but this isn’t what you see on most people’s living room coffee table; it is a deep dive into the story of your life. There are multiple purposes to creating this book, but primarily I created it as a tool to help you get to know yourself better, and in the process of making your life memory book, you will get to know your spouse better. The making of this book will have you looking at your past and recording what you remember of it, but this book isn’t something you write and then leave; it is a book that evolves and changes as you start to do the work of growing and becoming the person you dream of being, the person you are capable of being, the person you were designed to be.

If you’re curious about creating your life memory book, please watch my March Masterclass and subscribe to AwakenYou in your marriage because in a future episode, I will be talking in detail about this process so that you can start looking at your life story, sharing it with your spouse and learning more about their life story. All the while getting to know yourself and your spouse better and adding positive memories and creating your future chapter, and watching how it unfolds.

This project is a passion project in development for me as I explore all of the benefits of this tool and how I might bring it into the world in a way that changes the lives of thousands of women and their most important relationships.

Today what I want you to think about is the story you tell about your marriage’s past; notice what you want to do with thoughts you used to believe about your then partner and what you think of them now. Are you thinking in a way that confirms the story you are telling yourself about your current marriage? Now you understand why and you get to decide what you want to do about that. Do you want to do the work of changing that story? How is that story actually serving you? We know that it isn’t, and how can you start poking holes in that story? How can you stop making excuses for how you felt back then and start believing that indeed you were happy, regardless of any “flawed” thinking you believe you had back then. You could even ask yourself how your thinking right now might be flawed.

I have left you with some great questions to ask yourself this week; write them down. Each day take 10 minutes to answer each one, see what you come up with and then schedule your free 30-minute coaching session, and I will help you work through whatever it is you discover so that you can stop feeling stuck and start moving forward towards what you want.


I am a life coach who works with women and couples struggling with how their lives and marriage feel through awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner; it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your life and marriage, which by the way, will have you see your partner changing as well. If you’re ready to take yourself to a place where you can fall back in love with your life and your spouse, then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s talk about your next steps to a life you are crazy in love with!