This week is week three of taking a look at some of the benefits of the six-second kiss. Now, before you freeze or flee, I want you to know that this discussion has all stemmed from a conversation about the six-second kiss paralysis because many of my clients experience freeze or flee when they think about implementing this action into their marriage. So, if you are joining for the first time today, I would love for you to go back a few episodes to catch yourself up. One of the benefits of implementing the six-second kiss is that it has you making a bid for your partner’s connection.
So, today we’re going to talk about what bids for connection are so that you understand the concept and how it can bring you closer to your partner, learn how to create them, and recognize when your partner is sending out a bid for connection to you. Once you understand what bids are, I will share some examples of ways you can deliberately make bids for connection and catch the bids your partner is throwing your way, maybe even without knowing that they are throwing you a bid.
What are bids for connection?
A bid for connection is an attempt by your partner to get your attention, input, or opinion on a decision they are contemplating, basically, any action intended to create some type of positive connection. Bids can be as simple as a wave or a smile or even an out-of-place statement like “look at that dog over there!” Sometimes a bid for connection may not seem so positive, like sarcasm or a punch in the shoulder and this could likely be when someone feels awkward with communication and connection, especially if it hasn’t been practiced, so it’s good to pay attention because what you might be seeing as negative could be your partner’s awkward way of reaching out and attempting to connect.
I think it could be comforting to know that many times we miss bids for connection from other people and that is why having the knowledge about this connection tool can help us get better at catching them. As you learn about this tool and practice, you may even want to share it with your partner so that they can understand what a bid for connection is and how to react to it. You can even start paying attention to bids other people may be aiming at you outside of your marriage, watch your children, your friends, and co-workers, as well as practice making bids of connection with these other relationships.
Next week I will share different ways we respond to bids which is going to be a great follow-up to this episode, but for this week, we will concentrate on the fact that when we make a bid, we are hoping for our partner to turn towards us. This is why it is important to not only throw bids out but to practice noticing them and responding in a way that will create connection instead of disconnection.
After you play around with throwing and catching bids from your partner it will be a fun conversation to share what you have discovered with your partner. You can share how you’ve been paying attention to when they are throwing out bids and that you’ve been practicing bidding for attention and what you have noticed. When you share make sure you are sharing from a place of learning and fun, no accusations about how they may not be catching your bids or even throwing many at you! Simply share what you’ve learned here, maybe suggest listening to the episode together, which is another bid, and deposit into your emotional bank account (cha-ching!), and start playing the bidding for connection game!
Types of bids for connection
There are so many ways to bid for your partner’s attention, it could even be a fun game to start a list of all the ways you want to make bids, and as we learn what they are we can get better at making them. A precaution I want to throw out there is that as start this bidding game we might see that our partner is turning away from us and rejecting our bids for connection, but also be conscious of how you may have been doing the same prior to acquiring knowledge about this new tool. I would highly recommend for the sake of the relationship, that you start this practice from ground zero and let go of what we didn’t know from our past. Let’s start with looking at some simple bids and then get into some that might be a bit more difficult to perceive:
- Asking about our partner’s day and sharing about our day
- Texting them during the day to say hi or ask a question, share a story you read
- Acknowledging them when they come home
- A six-second kiss as well as a simple kiss and hug, the touching of their shoulder, reaching for their hand
- Talking about things that are disconcerning
- Asking to play a board game, watch a movie, play cards, go for a walk
- Inviting them to learn something with you, read a book, try a class
- Sharing some of your bucket list items
- Asking your partner to help you with something, maybe it’s a household task or helping someone else
- Asking your partner how you look or if your outfit matches
- Inviting them to come sit by you
- Sitting down by them
- Pulling out the chair next to you and inviting them to sit down by you
To start, I recommend that you begin to notice bids you are making and bids your partner might be making. With bids, you recognize your partner making, notice your habitual practice in response, and now practice accepting that bid and turning towards them. If you’re making dinner or in the middle of something and you notice them making a bid, pause, turn and look at them. As you get comfortable with deliberately making small, less vulnerable bids, pay attention to how your partner responds while being conscious about not using this new knowledge as a weapon to criticize your partner, just learn and be aware. Sharing this episode with them would be a bid and them agreeing to listen would have them accepting that bid and if they say no then share the Cliff Notes version or just keep practicing on your own and notice the change you see in them because as you become more receptive those good ole mirror neurons will start working and whammo, they are responding.
I’m going to be honest and share that one of the best side-effects of helping people create the relationship of their dreams is that I am constantly thinking and learning more about how great relationships happen which has me constantly taking intentional actions in my marriage. As you incorporate this practice of bidding for connection I’d love to hear what you think about it, how you are implementing it, and the different ways you are creating bids for connection in your marriage and if you want help learning how to turn your marriage around then I want to encourage you to join my one on one coaching program where we dig deep into your relationship with yourself so that you can create the intimate relationship that feels amazing.
I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner; it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level, then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.
