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If you have ever had a time in your life when you have watched something from afar or from a place of curiosity, then this process will resonate with you. Being the watcher is just that; you have no thoughts, no judgment, or suggestions; you only watch with a neutral, open mind. Being the watcher of your relationship will help you step out of the thoughts that are causing pain and frustration for you without changing who your partner is; you learn how to sit in a place of neutrality and observe what is happening on all sides of the story.

During the first week of this new year, I used this tool abundantly with some unexpected circumstances in my life. Let’s say that after the holidays and lots of reflective, goal-setting time, I was ready to dive into the year and start producing results. It turns out, life had other plans for me, and the unexpected circumstances that life handed me sent me down a road I hadn’t planned on traveling.

A road that I wanted to argue with until I noticed that arguing with this reality wasn’t getting me good results either.

The first day and weeks of 2021 brought a series of events that most certainly were not planned, and this uncertainty helped me learn more about what is important when life throws you a curveball. These uncertain events helped me to look at the curveball from a distance, assess the whole situation, and decide who I wanted to be as these events unfolded. I went to my future self and asked her how she got through these events; I thought about how I wanted to think and feel about myself, and then I did my best to live into that model.

Long story short, we had a dog in the house, which over two weeks declined markedly in health, to the point of losing all mobility in her hindquarters on New Year’s Eve. Watching this decline occur, helping to care for a dog that couldn’t take care of its own needs, building in time around what I had previously scheduled on my calendar, and managing my brain was an interesting lesson, to say the least. I shared the experience last week when I wrote about Loving Without Limits and a dog named Luna.

When we want to argue with reality, as Byron Katie tells us, we will lose, but only 100% of the time. Oftentimes though, our brain still wants to argue with reality. My brain was telling me all of the reasons this wasn’t right, that I had plans, and now my lack of being able to attack those plans is setting me up for failure in the 2021 goals that I so diligently put into place. Stepping aside, getting out of my head, and looking at everything that was going on from a place of neutrality has been a gratifying learning experience. Watching ourselves take control over what our brains do on autopilot so that we can actually steer the plane in the direction we want to go is a process that empowers us to step back and show up in a way that we will look back and be proud of.

Destination control, let me show you how to get there.

Becoming the watcher of your life

First, I want to suggest you start simple; this process can be a bit “mind-bendy,” and if you’re not used to meditation or any other process that helps you step out of your brain’s state of chaos, then just like learning how to ride a bike, start slow. You do this by finding something to practice on BEFORE you are in the middle of a highly emotional circumstance, learn how to sit and observe without any thoughts and emotion.

The beginner watcher process

  • Pick a pet, or an inanimate object like a coffee mug, focus on it for 5 minutes.
  • As you sit and observe, watch the thoughts that travel through your mind and the emotion they create.
  • See if you can let go of the thoughts and see what it is you are looking at with complete neutrality, no words.
  • As you see thoughts come in that create emotion, let them go and come back to neutrality, “it’s a cup,” “it’s a dog.”
  • Play around with it and be curious, notice how the thoughts make you feel and how you feel when you let them go.

How to apply the watcher to your relationship and why it’s important

As you get better at the process, you can start adding more emotionally charged items into your practice. Maybe you have a neighbor that drives you a bit nuts, watch them from afar and see what happens as you let go of your thoughts and notice it is a person, maybe a woman, nothing good and nothing bad, just a person. Start gently letting go of the thoughts that create tension for you. You can also do this process with something from your past, recent, or further back. Visualize the scenario, watch the thoughts your brain comes up with, let them go, and see if you can look at the scene with no judgment, no words.

After you’ve practiced this for a bit, please give it a go with your partner. Start with applying this practice when they are doing something that makes you feel amazing, step back and peel your thoughts away, and see them without words. Next, you can use it when you feel negative emotions about your partner, see if you can let go of your opinions and see them for who they are, no right and no wrong but a human.

The benefit of becoming the watcher is that it moves us into a neutral emotional state, and when we are in an uncharged emotional state, our mind opens up. When our mind is open, it allows for empathy, problem-solving, reasoning, creating solutions instead of only seeing what is wrong. When we can only see the problem, then the only way for us to feel better is for them to change; as you learned in The Relationship Fix, that doesn’t work. Learning how to be the watcher of your life allows you to move through the muck of what you might be currently experiencing, and instead of being consumed by it, you’ll start to see what there is to learn in the muck.

The more you apply this process the easier it gets, I’d love to hear how you are applying the watcher to your relationship and what you are learning from it, send me a message by hitting the button below! If you would like to experience what it’s like to experience the watcher then come to one of my social media lives or my Ask Christine Anything calls and I’ll walk you through the process!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!


I am a certified life coach and a love leader. I work with individuals looking to change their current or future romantic relationship – my program helps them discover that they are enough. This self-love empowers and equips them to take continual, forward steps in achieving the healthy, romantic relationship they desire. Are you ready to explore this journey in your life? Schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

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