Getting From Here To There

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“I get it, living with me is tough. I wouldn’t want to be in relationship with myself either! I live with myself every day and it’s no easy job.” Come on my friends, any of you said words similar to mine? When I look at those words today I just smile because I truly was creating the result I believed so hard in. You might suggest to me that I shouldn’t smile when thinking back to those days but I’m going to smile, jump in the air and do cartwheels because baby, that ain’t me anymore!

Sometimes the process of looking forward to our dream relationship is daunting, it truly feels like our life was just destined for drama. When we think about where we are right now and how much work it would take to get to where we want to go, well, it’s easier to give up. The question I have to ask you though is this: “Is it really the work that’s scaring you?”, my guess is it’s not, you’re not afraid of hard work. The thing scaring you and keeping you from your dreams is all the feelings you’re going to have to feel to make that dream a reality. It’s easier to stay where we are, accepting that this right here is just fine. Not only that, what right do we have to even think we can make those dreams come true? It’s all fantasy, dreams only other people achieve. These, my friends, are only thoughts that your brain loves to offer because if we’re honest, it’s what you’ve been telling yourself for years and proving true.

If you’ve been with me the last eight episodes of this blog, then you have learned and are recognizing that you are the creator of where you are, just like I was the creator of being a crappy partner in my head. You’ve also taken the time to dream about what you want to create for yourself, just like I have created a relationship I love being in. Maybe you are so ready to start stepping into that future self that you’ve been waiting patiently for this post, where I show you how to take steps forward. Let’s get to it then!

Before we dig into moving forward let’s do a little review.

The unintentional model

This is where we are right now, what we are creating in our marriage, our love relationships, in our lives.

The intentional model

This is where we want to be, where we want to go. It is the relationship and life of our dreams.

How to get from unintentional to intentional or should I say: from where you are to where you want to be.

Step one: you must take tiny little believable steps.

To leap belief from “My marriage is broken.” to “My marriage is everything I hoped it would be.” is going to have you living a false life. If your current state of mind has you believing that your love relationship is broken, you are not one bit close to considering that dream thought, the belief that you want to have. So how do you get from where you are to where you want to go? You start finding thoughts that feel believable and evoke an emotion that moves you forward.

Let’s look at the unintentional thought (My marriage is broken.) and how it’s making you feel, let’s say it’s making you feel hopeless. Hopeless has you showing up in ways that create for you a broken, disconnected marriage by possibly avoiding your husband, not planning ways to connect, not taking uncomfortable action, blaming him for how you feel, not being honest.

What if you could modify your unintentional thought just a bit, in a way to make you feel just a bit better? Maybe one of the following might be a bit more believable:

I am simply thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

Maybe I’m wrong about my marriage being broken.”

It’s possible that my marriage isn’t broken.”

I’m open to the idea that someday my marriage won’t be broken.”

Might any of these feel believable? These are a few examples of modifiers that could get you moving forward. These modifiers can be used on any thought that is getting you an undesirable result in your unintentional model. These thoughts could generate an emotion of hopeful and from that emotion have you taking different actions like planning time with your husband, self-coaching on things that come up in your marriage, working on your belief of something better which gives you a result more like doing the work of improving your relationship with yourself and your marriage.

This baby step is the first step towards your intentional model. You take this new thought with you; every time you think your old opinion, you remind yourself of your new thought. What then happens is your belief in the new thought begins to solidify; once this new thought feels normal, it’s time to start working on a more powerful thought. This new thought will help you even closer to that dream model. You can also try thinking one of the thoughts you couldn’t believe earlier. You will continue this work over and over until you eventually are in full belief of your intentional thought model. Let’s try one out, starting at the very top of the ladder with your deliberate thought, the last thought is your current thought, the bottom rung of the thought ladder:

“My marriage is everything I hoped it would be and more.”

“I am creating my dream love relationship.”

“I am going to create my dream relationship with my partner.”

“I am the author of my love.”

“I am dedicated to working on my relationship with myself and my partner every day.”

“I notice when I am loving myself my marriage doesn’t feel broken.”

“I’m going to work on loving myself.”

“My marriage isn’t broken.”

“It’s possible my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I wonder what it would be like to think my marriage isn’t broken.”

“I’m only thinking the thought that my marriage is broken.”

“My marriage is broken and that’s ok.”

“My marriage is broken.”

A word on visualization and creating your future self now.

Visualizing and becoming your future self now is a key element of this process. As you are at the bottom of the ladder, standing on the ground in your unintentional thought, you are looking up the ladder at your intentional thought way up at the top. You visualize all of the actions you will be taking when you reach the top. You will feel all of the emotions it takes to get to the top of that tall ladder. You will start becoming the person that is up at the top of the ladder before you actually get there. You know the one; she’s high fiving her partner, smiling at her old self, jumping in the air and yep, doing cartwheels.

Do you know what happens then? You get to the top of the ladder and don’t even realize you are there. You have already built that belief along the way so that when you get there, you are that person! So fun. Until I wrote the first paragraph of this article I can’t even tell you the last time I thought I was a bad partner in my relationships, it’s no longer something I believe and remember I completely believed that disempowering thought, yuck!

Becoming your future self before you hit your goal brings me to something I want to touch on here today. Have you ever achieved a big goal, and then when you got there, it didn’t seem like a big deal? It’s what happens when you do the work of believing in yourself ahead of time. That’s what most likely happened in your life up to a certain point, maybe college, maybe after purchasing your first house or having your first child, and then something happened. You think you stopped creating big dreams when in reality, you stopped dreaming big. Please, NEVER STOP DREAMING BIG!

Action steps

This week I want you to start creating your own thought ladders, you can create multiples with different thoughts you want to stop believing. I have several going at a time, right now I have one going with my marriage, my business, and money. To help you with this process I created a thought ladder worksheet that I’d like to share with you. Keep them somewhere where you can look at them daily and add to them when you are able to take on a more powerful belief.

I’d love to hear what thoughts you are working on believing in your life and answer any questions that you might have as you do this process. Please share them with me!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Your Dream Relationship

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

I used to be consistently baffled by people who created vision boards, people who dreamed big, thinking that was the way to get where you wanted to go. I didn’t disbelieve; I just didn’t get how all that “nonsense” could create the magic. Now, I still have not yet created a vision board that has photos of my dreams, but I have something different that I am creating as I open up to what my dreams might be. Vision boards alone won’t get you there, thinking positive thoughts you don’t believe won’t get you there, but now that I see how they all intertwine, I’m excited about where all this work will lead me. Today I want to help you start to create your dream relationship as I share how I am building mine.

Some of the best work coming from learning how to do thought models is seeing the reality of where you are, that you are the creator of that result, and then see the possibility of creating the result you want, on purpose. We have been doing the work over the past seven weeks of learning how to use the thought model. If you haven’t been following along, I suggest you can go back to the first post on Brain Flossing and get yourself caught up. When I began the thought model series, I planned out six weeks, two weeks in, I expanded it to seven, and as I wrapped it up, I couldn’t help but want to add two more to the series. So I did. This week I am taking you beyond the unintentional model that you learned how to create last week, and we are looking at how to create your dream future.

Learning how to correctly do a thought model on a circumstance that is creating pain in your life, you begin to see and understand your responsibility in your suffering. You begin to stop blaming others, start owning the results in your life, and using that data to move you forward into the life you want to create. Today let’s move forward by having some fun with dreaming about the future we want to create.

Intentional Models

An intentional model is a thought model that you create intentionally. It is a thought model of where you want to be, let’s have some fun creating one based on the example we used last week:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a wife

Once we see the result we are creating for ourselves, really absorb how this model is making us feel and that we are the creator of this with our thinking, we can start coming up with ideas of what we might want instead. The first rule is that you will always keep the same circumstance you had in your unintentional model as you build your intentional one. Then you can look at any of the other four elements and decide where to start creating. In this example, I’m going to change the actions, but you could start with how you want to feel, your result, or even your thought. I typically go with what feels the strongest or most true to who you want to be.

I’m going to do a sequence here for you so that you can see the step by step process, starting with coming up with how we want to show up. I welcome you to join along and create your own intentional model, like I said, “Let’s have some fun!” πŸ˜ƒ:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband comes home at 8:12 pm (same as original)

T:

F:

A: Text him to make sure everything is ok, mind my own business and take care of what I had planned on doing that evening, greet him lovingly when he comes home, pause for a bit when he comes home to see how he is doing, see if he wants his dinner warmed up, ask questions about his day and what kept him at work so long, share your day, go to bed when you planned, kiss him goodnight, appreciate him, wake up to a good following day, not sarcastic or accusing, not ruminating, enjoy your free time

R:

It’s important to list all of the ways you want to show up when your husband comes home “late” when he says, “I’ll see you after work.” Let’s go to the next step; you could look at what the result from those actions might lead you to, but instead, let’s look at what emotion you would need to feel to take those actions. It’s essential to work adjacent to where you started, meaning if you started with your intentional actions, you wouldn’t jump to the thought line. Before going to the thought line, you will want to determine how you will need to feel to take those actions before you come up with a thought that will drive that feeling. So you will ask yourself “How would I need to feel to take those actions?” Maybe it’s compassionate, let’s fill that in:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T:

F: Compassionate

A: Text him to make sure everything is ok, mind my own business and take care of what I had planned on doing that evening, greet him lovingly when he comes home, pause for a bit when he comes home to see how he is doing, see if he wants his dinner warmed up, ask questions about his day and what kept him at work so long, share your day, go to bed when you planned, kiss him goodnight, appreciate him, wake up to a good following day, not sarcastic or accusing, not ruminating, enjoying your free time

R:

Step 3 is choosing a thought that will make you feel compassionate. What do you think? Let’s try:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He’s having a long day.

F: Compassionate

A: Text him to make sure everything is ok, mind my own business and take care of what I had planned on doing that evening, greet him lovingly when he comes home, pause for a bit when he comes home to see how he is doing, see if he wants his dinner warmed up, ask questions about his day and what kept him at work so long, share your day, go to bed when you planned, kiss him goodnight, appreciate him, wake up to a good following day, not sarcastic or accusing, not ruminating, enjoying your free time

R: You create an atmosphere that doesn’t feel like a long day

There we are, a possible intentional model! What I love about creating the intentional model is you can play around with it. If this one doesn’t really feel right then we could try something different, the point is to create something that helps you to feel better and create the life you want to create. Let’s do one more example where we start with the result and we use the opposite of the result in your unintentional model. We fill that in and then work our way up the model, I’m going to use the same actions:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He always follows through for me

F: trusting

A: Text him to make sure everything is ok, mind my own business and take care of what I had planned on doing that evening, greet him lovingly when he comes home, pause for a bit when he comes home to see how he is doing, see if he wants his dinner warmed up, ask questions about his day and what kept him at work so long, share your day, go to bed when you planned, kiss him goodnight, appreciate him, wake up to a good following day, not sarcastic or accusing, not ruminating, enjoying your free time

R: I follow through with being the spouse I want to be

Practicing doing these models is where you will become better at figuring them out, it will give you the grit to start getting traction towards where you want to go. If you are working through models and get stuck please send me a message, I’ll help you figure it out!

Future Self

Now you might be asking how all of this relates to creating your dream future, this is where it gets even more fun! The above model examples are a mini-version of dreaming big. This intentional model might not be attainable right now in your life but it gets you thinking about who you want to be as a spouse, who you want to be in the future.

Now you can start looking at your love relationship, your job, your life, anything really, and start dreaming. When we don’t dream about our future, we have no final destination, nothing to aspire to. Creating belief is the critical difference between vision boards of your dreams that you gaze at hopeless and confused versus trusting and self-confident.

How can we come up with a road map of how we’re going to go somewhere if we don’t know where we are going? It’s your lucky day because I decided to come up with another free worksheet to help you figure this out. Read on my friend!

Action Steps

Time to have fun and dream big! I want you to schedule some quiet alone time to do this work of creating your dream relationship. Get yourself a notebook or print out this worksheet and start listing all of the things you want, and don’t want, in your love relationship. Look into your future and write it all out. Don’t be afraid to be outrageous and glamorous. Be curious about how your brain wants to tell you that this is silly, that this will never happen, and to downsize your dreams, don’t let it.

Now it’s time to start creating your dreams and having fun – doesn’t that alone feel fantastic? Next week I’m going to teach you the path to go from where you are now to the place of your dreams, so come back next week, and let’s start moving forward.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Self Coaching Model

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Congratulations! You have made it to week 7 of this seven-part series, where we have been doing a deep dive into the self-coaching model, the very first tool I teach all of my clients. You having this tool means you will be able to start doing your own self-coaching, which is never a replacement for working with a live coach, but helps you get through those spaces between sessions. For the past seven weeks, I have taken each piece of the model, explained it, and shared some weekly homework to help you better understand how each piece works. Having a better understanding of each piece allows you to have a better understanding of the whole model once you start putting it together, which is today!

If you happen to be joining this series today, I want to encourage you to go back to week one and take your time to process through each post up to this week. Today we are going to see how the pieces of the puzzle get put together.

The self-coaching thought model consists of five elements that we have discussed in this series and all of which I will briefly overview below. The model looks like this, I have also created a Self-Coaching Thought Model cheat sheet to share with you to better explain:

You have a C (circumstance) in your life.

You have many T’s (thoughts) about that one C, which you will discover in your thought download, put one of the thought from your download into your model.

That specific T (thought) will create a F (feeling). Often it will create many feelings but you will only put the strongest emotion in the F line.

That F (feeling) will make you show up in several ways (A). That F will make you take several different A (actions) and inactions.

The A’s (actions) you take with create a specific R (result) for you.

That R (result) is evidence of your T (thought), always. This is why we focus so strongly on our thinking, how we think about circumstances in our life end up being our result. When we are able to clearly see this result we can start to decide if we like what we are creating and we can stop blaming other people for our results.

The process:

You start with your thought download which is you writing down all of the thoughts in your mind, getting them out of your mind and onto the paper. I shared a document in the Brain Flossing post to help you pull the thoughts out of your brain. Then you take one of the thoughts out of that download, I find it best to pick the most painful thought because it is most likely producing something that I won’t like. You put that thought in the T line. Then it’s very important to determine what the exact circumstance is that you are thinking that thought about. Make sure you take your time with this one, really make sure it is factual, specific, and neutral. Many people want to skip this part but don’t, it’s important to see that it isn’t the circumstance causing the problem, it’s always how we are thinking about the circumstance.

After you come up with the thought you want to look at, decide how that thought makes you feel. I shared a document in the feelings post linked above to help you come up with the strongest emotion that thought generates. It’s very likely that the thought makes you feel several different emotions, just pick one, the one that feels the strongest. You can always go back and run a model on a different emotion, or even a different thought about the same circumstance.

Next, I want you to take your time and write down all of the actions and inactions you take from that emotional state you are in when you think that thought about that circumstance. To begin my clients want to write down one or two different actions so they can quickly get to the result but I want to encourage you to come up with as many actions as you can. The more actions you come up with the clearer your result is going to be.

Now see if you can determine your result. Look at all of the actions you are taking, or not taking, and what are you producing for yourself? Look at the thought, does your result resemble the thought you are thinking? Remember that your result in the self-coaching thought model is a result you are creating for yourself. It is never someone else creating your result for you or you creating a result for someone else.

So let’s run through an example just for the fun of it:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”, husband came home at 8:12 pm

T: He never follows through on his word.

F: Cheated

A: Complain about him, make-up stories about what he is doing, don’t ask when he might be coming home, ask him accusingly why he’s so late, don’t engage in conversation, pretend you’re busy, go to bed early, don’t warm up his dinner, don’t talk to him the next day, quit making him dinner, don’t make his lunch for the following day, act defensive when he tries to talk to you, not open-minded

R: You don’t follow through with who you want to be as a person and a wife

See how the result ties back to what you are thinking about the fact that he said he’d see you after work and your thought that he never follows through. You end up creating a scenario where you’re not enjoying how you show up and following through.

Know that in each model you will have multiple thoughts going on, including some positive thoughts, go ahead, and do a model on a positive thought. Maybe you also have a thought that he works hard to take care of your family. Let’s put it in a model, making sure to keep the same circumstance:

C: Before he left for work, husband said “I’ll see you after work!”. Husband comes home at 8:12 pm

T: He works hard to take care of our family.

F: Appreciative

A: Text him to see if he knows when he might be home so you can have his dinner warm, give him a hug and kiss when he settles in, ask him good questions about his day, share your day with him, ask him if there is anything you can do to make his evening more relaxing, go about with your evening plans, go to bed as planned, stay focused on yourself, not judging him

R: You work hard to take care of yourself and your family

Now, the thought model is used to help you see the results you are producing as well as feel what your thought is generating for you. One of these two models might be more accurate for you, overpowering the other, let’s say the first model is more true for you. Even though you believe in the second model, you aren’t showing up that way; you are showing up as in the first model. Ask yourself how each model feels, especially the one you are sitting in and why you are choosing that thought over the other. Is that emotional state creating solutions for you, or is it keeping you stuck?

Realizing that it is simply your thought creating this, allows you to decide how you really want to show up when your husband comes home at 8:12 pm, for YOU. The second model helps you to show up 100% differently which then has your husband also showing up differently because he has his own model going on at the same time. You get to find out exactly what happened in his day, you knew about it early and were able to plan accordingly so you could feel good.

Warnings

Note that in the beginning, we will often want to “switch” models in the middle of the model. We’ll come up with the thought – emotion pieces and then as we start thinking about how we show up, we realize that we want to show up differently. We start putting actions in the action line that are coming from a different thought and feeling. Make sure that you are really feeling the current thought and emotion you are working within the model so that you see what result that thought produces for you. It’s not for judgment, it’s a tool to help create awareness for what you are potentially creating for yourself, don’t try to change it and deny something you are actually feeling.

Often when we learn how to create our unintentional models we start to beat ourselves up. We start to see that we are creating results that aren’t moving us forward, results we think are messing our lives up. I want to caution you to not do this. The thought model is an awareness tool, it helps us to see what we are creating in our life and that we are the authors of that creation. When we can see this truth and allow it to sink into our consciousness, we can from there decide if we want to keep the current model or create something different. Creating something different is always an option, that is why this work is so beautiful, it shows you how you are the author of your life.

Action steps

This week start filling out the whole model, use the model worksheet I shared in the Actions Speak Loudly post. These models that you will be creating are unintentional models, they are models that we are creating unintentionally, by default. The first model I shared is an unintentional model, the second one could be your real model or your intentional model. Intentional models are models we are creating intentionally. If that is your real model then you are intentionally creating a great result for yourself!

These models that you are creating this week will help you see the results you are getting from your current thinking. Before we move into creating intentional models, it’s important to let your unintentional models sink in. Really work on feeling what it is creating for yourself and seeing that your unintentional results are produced by your thinking before you go quickly changing it.

As you do this work during the week, make sure that you also do some models on your positive thoughts. With both negative and positive thoughts look at your result and decide if they align with what you want to create in your life.

This week I’m sort of leaving you hanging on a cliff because I haven’t fully finished this series. I decided to wait until next week to help you start creating intentional models because it’s so important to really absorb your current reality, how it feels and that you are the creator of it.

Don’t allow your models to make you feel guilty/ashamed/angry/frustrated or disappointed and definitely don’t judge your models; just allow yourself to become aware. Feel them and come back next week, where I’ll show you how to create the results that align with who you want to be in this beautiful life of yours.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

One Year Later – A Reflection

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A few days back, while publishing a recent blog, a thought occurred to me. I was thinking about the upcoming Fourth of July holiday and how last year, during that time away, I was in the middle of a challenge, a challenge to write 30 blogs in 30 days. I looked at my website back office, discovering that it was June 24, 2019, that I started that challenge, 94 blog posts later it had been over a year and it is just something I do.

Today I decided to share some of my reflections about how I got to this place. My hope is that in the process it will help you with any goals you have been thinking about but haven’t taken the action needed to get your desired result.

Thinking about your goal

What is it you want to achieve? How long have you been thinking about it? Way too often in my past life, I had a litany of things I wanted to accomplish, I’d create list upon list, stack them up in my head, take a stab here and there to make progress, never really getting anywhere. Sound at all familiar? I hear it over and over with my clients. We spend so much energy up in our heads spinning around, no wonder we think we’re too busy.

Today I want to suggest a new method.

  1. Write down all of the things you want to do, get them out of your head onto paper.
  2. Next, ask yourself these questions: β€’ “What do I want to do?” β€’ “What do I have to do?” β€’ “What do I need to do?” β€’ “What do I wish I would do?” β€’ “What are the consequences of not doing each of these?”
  3. Look at the list and tell yourself this: “I don’t HAVE to do any of this.”, be honest, this is 100% true.
  4. Then cross off anything on the list you don’t want to do.
  5. Now prioritize your list.

Today I am not going to get into goal setting and goal-accomplishing, I just want you to look at that one thing. The one thing that you’ve been wanting to do but haven’t taken appropriate steps to make anything significant happen.

Let’s make it even simpler: What is the one thing you want to be doing that you’re not doing?

I knew I wanted to be putting great content out for my potential clients to get to know me, to start learning from me and to start practicing what I teach. I wanted something more than just social media posts. I had dabbled with a blog in my previous coaching business but was never very consistent; now, I wanted a different result. I wanted to give my people excellent, constant value.

What are your reasons?

Next, look at that one thing that you want to be doing but aren’t and do the following:

  1. Write a list of all of your reasons why you want to accomplish this dream.
  2. What are your reasons for not wanting to accomplish your dream? Make a list.
  3. Look at each list and ask yourself if you like your reasons.

I 100% loved all of my reasons for starting, and continuing a blog. All of my reasons for not wanting to do it were about fear and hiding; I didn’t like those reasons one bit. I knew it would be a lot of work but I also knew that someday I dreamed of having a podcast and that a blog was the perfect way for me to discover my voice while proving to myself that I could do this.

Decide and be all in on your decision.

If your decision is no, or no for now, drop it. Let it go and stop thinking about it. Stop beating yourself up. You don’t like your reasons for doing it so let it go.

If your decision is yes then it’s time to find your compelling reason to make this dream happen. It’s time to stop letting yourself down ahead of time.

What is your compelling reason?

  • Find it
  • Write it down
  • Refer to it often

You heard mine: I want to provide value for everyone who visits my website, people who will never be my client as well as those who will.

Start planning!

Write down all of the obstacles between here and your goal. I had all sorts of them:

  • I had to figure out where and how I was going to publish these articles
  • I had to figure out what I was going to write about
  • I had to build my self-confidence
  • I had to figure out titles, photos
  • I had to figure out how to publish a website
  • I had to create a Facebook business page
  • I had to get over myself and my mind drama

These were just a few of my obstacles, the biggest one being me. My brain, and all of the reasons it came up as to why this was a bad idea, that I should just skip it.

Then I came up with strategies to overcome my obstacles. Those strategies were all the steps I would take to get to my goal; these steps all got planned out on my calendar. The most important strategy was the one of managing my mind with daily self-coaching.

You know what comes next? You just get started.

Every day I looked at my compelling reason and re-committed.

Every day honoring my plan.

Every day managing my mind.

Every day taking time at the end of the day to evaluate what worked well, what didn’t work, and what I was going to do different.

Here is what happens next:

All of a sudden what was once a challenge is now a part of your daily life. I not only reached my goal but surpassed it, daily setting new goals. Now I have a backlog of blogs ready to go, photos curated, social media content curated AND, the most exciting part for me right now, at this moment: I have started publishing an audio version of my blog!

Every day, one step closer to the day on the calendar I have planned to launch my podcast.

I’d love for you to look back to a year ago. What have you committed to and accomplished since that time?

Do you know what might be even better? Make today the day you’re going to do the work I suggested so that you can look back a year from now and give yourself a high five for doing what you said you were going to do. I can’t wait to hear all about, please do share!

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationships? I would love to help you find true love again. MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for strong women like you who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so that you can create a dynamic relationship with your partner that you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join myΒ mailing listΒ where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Results Driven

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Humans, in general, are results-driven, whether we even know it or not, we are always creating some sort of result. I have always been result-driven, I went to college thinking I wanted to be a Chemical Engineer, figuring out the solution to problems on paper seemed very logical and came fairly easily for me. Wonderfully, it still serves me today because I like thinking about my desired result and work backward from there. So the day I found the self-coaching thought model, I was a bit in problem-solving heaven. The truth is that in my life, I haven’t always believed creating the results I wanted to be as possible as figuring out the result of an organic chemistry problem. That is until I found the self-coaching thought model.

This week we’re on week six of my seven-part series, where we are breaking down the very first, and most important tool I teach my clients, the self-coaching thought model. If you are just joining me this week, I invite you to go back to the first post in the series, my brain flossing post, and get yourself caught up before you join in here.

What is a result?

A result, according to Google, is a consequence, effect, or outcome of something. When we look at the self-coaching model, the result is the end of the model; it’s what we come up with when we see all of the actions we take. Your emotion fuels those actions we are feeling. The emotion we are feeling comes from the thought we are thinking about the circumstance in our life. Pure math. Sort of.

The result line in the self-coaching model is our result only, the result we are creating for ourselves. It will never include someone else’s result or what someone else is doing.

Past results

So now that we know where our results come from we can look at every result we have gotten in our past and see that we ourselves created that result. It wasn’t because of something that someone else did, we created it with our thinking. Stay with me, keep following along and this will start to make sense.

Let’s look at an example of a circumstance of a past ended relationship. Remember, we are always looking at ourselves; what actions did you take to create the result of leaving a relationship? What feeling drove those actions? What thought were you thinking about that specific relationship that made you feel that way? Obviously, there are many, many, many circumstances, or facts surrounding a broken relationship but we only need to look at one at a time to find that we created that result for ourselves.

Current results

The same goes for where we are right now in our life. Let’s use the example of being in a relationship with someone you have chosen. Maybe you think your result is that you are unfulfilled in that relationship, what actions are you taking to create you being in that relationship? What emotion is driving those actions? What are you thinking that creates the feeling you feel when you think about being in a relationship with that person?

Future results

Now let’s look at the circumstance of being in that same relationship that we talked about in the current results above. Let’s say you want the result of being fulfilled in your relationship. Now you can ask yourself how you’ll need to act, feel, and think about that very same relationship. We will need to change our current thinking so that we can get to this new result. We will have to think like our future self, the person who has already reached the result of being in a fulfilling relationship. I know, a bit mind bendy but 100% possible.

Our thinking creates our results and this is why I encourage my clients to think big, not limiting themselves, to write down all of their dreams. I help them not to fail ahead of time by telling themselves that their goals are only fantasy.

Action steps

This week I want you to start looking at your past, present and future results. Start writing them down, start a list for all three, and keep adding to them daily as you think of more results you’ve achieved or want to achieve. Write down the positive along with the ones you chose to think of as negative. Your brain will gravitate to the ones you consider negative so make sure you balance it out with those you believe to be positive, Then I want you to consider how you think about the ones you consider to be negative. What if you thought differently about them? What if they actually weren’t negative but exactly what you needed to help you move forward into something different?

Truly getting the results we want in our love relationships and our lives are just math. Over the past six weeks, I have broken down each part of the thought model equation. The thought model is the answer to every problem in our life; everything fits into the model, so now we can start playing around and creating results we want. Now that we can see our current results and how we achieved them, next week, I’m going to help you put it all together. You’ll learn how to use the equation to begin creating the love relationship of your dreams.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Actions Speak Loudly

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

Welcome to part five of my seven-part series, where I am dissecting the tool that changed my life, the self-coaching thought model. The self-coaching model is also the very first tool I teach my new clients. The purpose of the thought model is to help you see and feel the life you are currently creating for yourself and to decide if you like it. The model contains five elements that I break down in this series, and at the end of the series, I will teach you how to put the pieces together so you can start using it in your own life. At the end of this post, I share a worksheet that will help you start filling in the first four pieces of the model as you work through your thought downloads, and this week’s action piece.

If you are just joining the series here I want to highly suggest you go back four weeks to my Brain Flossing post and read forward, doing the work included in each step. We started in that original post talking about the process of doing a thought download where I included a Thought Download worksheet to help you get started. Next, we talked about the difference between facts, or circumstances, in our lives and the thoughts we are having about those circumstances. I added in a post after that to help create your partner love list by discussing negative versus positive thinking and how to change negative thought patterns. Last week we talked in-depth about feelings, what creates them, and what they have to do with today’s topic, actions.

What is an action?

An action is the fact or process of doing something, typically to achieve an aim.

That definition comes straight out of the Google dictionary and I find it quite interesting that it states that an action is typically to achieve an aim, a goal. Contrary to that though, we often take actions that do not lead to the goal we intended, it doesn’t keep us “on aim”. Actions are things we do or don’t do, including inaction. Actions can be something we can see outside of us like giving our spouse a kiss. They can also be internal, as in ruminating over the story we are creating in our mind about last night’s discussion with your partner.

Why do we take the specific actions we take?

We take action based on how we are feeling.

Feeling work is some of the best work you can do in the five elements of the model because feelings are signals and we can feel their vibration in our bodies. Go back to last week’s post for more detailed information about how to discover your emotions. If you think you don’t feel emotions then think again. If you think you don’t feel emotions, you have most likely been practicing repressing emotion. Repressing emotion, or holding it in, is something we do in an effort to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to make ourselves look strong, to hide. Once you start allowing yourself to actually feel the feelings you will learn to love what emotions tell you. Emotions tell us something is happening. When we feel sad we want to be able to feel sad and explore what is happening for us, feeling our emotions is what actually allows those emotions to dissipate or soften. We can know that the emotion we are currently feeling is coming from something we are thinking about. What are we thinking? What is the fact or circumstance that I’m thinking about?

How to take different action.

Learning how to take different actions will require us to learn the first three elements of the model. Because feelings drive how we show up in our lives we want to understand what we are feeling and thinking about the circumstance we are acting in. Once we really understand these three things and how they are impacting the actions we are taking we can start looking at how to take actions we want to take.

  1. We could look at actions we want to be taking and find some emotions that could drive those desired actions.
  2. Once we have a few emotions to play with we can start coming up with some thoughts that will generate the desired feelings.
  3. We can also look at how we are feeling and decide how we want to feel and ask what we might need to think to feel this emotion.
  4. Then you want to start playing with different combinations and see if they work.

Some thoughts we won’t believe, that’s ok, ask yourself to try a different thought. Maybe the emotion you’re wanting to generate is one you can’t get to right now, try a different emotion that will start moving you in the right direction. The important thing is to start finding something that feels real for you and simply starts moving you in the direction you want to go.

Let’s look at a few examples.

Let’s say you are currently taking a few of these actions around the circumstance of your husband sitting on the couch watching football after dinner:

  • Blaming your husband for how you’re feeling
  • Complaining that he isn’t doing enough around the house
  • Not talking to him
  • Stomping around the house
  • Sarcastically asking him to do things
  • Find more things to do to look busy
  • Don’t relax
  • Make tasks more important than enjoying husband
  • Wanting to change him
  • Overeat
  • Judging him
  • Don’t think of ways to connect

The feeling driving these actions might be disappointed, resentment, self-pity. Maybe you’re thinking something like “He never helps out around the house.” “He doesn’t help me.” “He is lazy.” “My dad does such a better job.”

You could think of different actions you want to take or different thoughts you want to think or the feeling you might want to feel. For this example, let’s just look at feeling compassion or mindful or peaceful or content. What might you need to think to feel any of these emotions? Maybe:

  • “I love getting my house in order before I go to bed.” could make you feel peaceful.
  • “My husband deserves some time to chill.” could make you feel compassionate.
  • “I’m looking forward to my time to sit and chill too.” might make you feel motivated.
  • “I wonder if he might be interested in helping me out.” could make you feel curious.

All of these thoughts and feelings will drive different actions like:

  • Enjoying doing what you want to do
  • Allowing your husband to do what he wants to do
  • Kindly asking if he could help but not make it mean anything if he doesn’t
  • Planning downtime with husband
  • Planning tasks and getting them done within the allotted time
  • Plan ways to connect while doing tasks
  • Remembering why you like getting things done
  • Don’t judge him

As you learn these steps, it will start to become clear to you that it is 100% possible to be in control of how your future dream can become your reality. You are always in control of the results in your life and what you make those results mean. Practice this work, and if you have any questions, please get in touch with me, I’ll help you work through your obstacles. Let’s create the change you want in your love relationship starting today.

Oh, that worksheet I told you about: Model Practice Page

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s reignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!