Done Bingeing with Martha Ayim Ep 24

Done Bingeing with Martha Ayim | Relationship Coach

Martha Ayim, MA, is a master coach, level-3 trained in IFS (Internal Family Systems, an evidence-based, trauma-informed, and empowering approach that relies on a client’s intuitive wisdom to heal). She is the author of the e-book, 12 Surprising Steps to Stop Binge Eating, Starting with Your Very Next Urge, and the host of the 5-star-rated Done Bingeing Podcast. A former binge eater for nearly 35 years, Martha coaches through an IFS lens to help clients re-establish the internal leadership needed to heal the parts of themselves that make them do things they don’t want to do (e.g., binge, overeat, over-restrict).

You can find Martha at Done Bingeing here

Her monthly membership program is The Done Bingeing Membership.

Other places to connect:

The Done Bingeing Podcast available wherever you access your podcasts

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I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

How To Process Those Emotions Ep 23

How To Process Those Emotions | Relationship Coach

I talk a lot about processing emotions and the value that comes out of this process. I have promised to share my process, and today I am delivering on that promise. Today I am going to explain why processing emotions is so important, the how of my process; I am going to take you through the actual process so if you have something you ever want to work through, you can save this episode and come back to it, and then I’m going to share how you can benefit from this process. Let’s dig into how to process emotions!

Why processing emotions is important

As I have shared so many times, emotions are important signals with a whole lot of information packed into them. Our brain sends signals to our body, or our body will send signals to our brain; either way, we experience a response in our bodies. Oftentimes we attempt to fix those feelings we are feeling in our body with our brain by trying to figure things out, but how many times have you actually figured it out with your brain? More times than I can count, we instead push that emotion away and attempt to power through, ignoring the message it has for us.

When we can take some time to pause and listen to what it is, the emotion is telling us many things occur. We create awareness around why the emotion is there and what it is trying to tell us, and then we can let the emotion go. Instead of it being stored in our bodies as a stress response, only to pop up again when a similar signal comes through, we flush it out and can thank it for being there. We can thank it for the information it brought us, giving us insight into how we might want to move forward.

What processing emotions is and how I do it

My process for processing emotions is quite simple and can take as little as a minute but more often between 5-10 minutes, and you can do it anywhere. Personally, I prefer to go to a quiet room and take as long as I need, especially for potent emotions, emotions that are keeping me from being fully present with whatever it is I want to do. It is similar to meditation but with the specific purpose of listening to the emotion and letting it be heard, calming the nervous system down. If I don’t have the time or space for a longer meditation and I am feeling full of emotion, I will take a minute or two to get quiet, listen and honor the emotion, which will often bring me a bit of awareness so that I can continue knowing that I will create space to dig deeper at a later time. Sometimes a minute or two is all I need to let it go.

Now I will invite you to close your eyes as I do the same, and I am going to take you through my process. Listen to the episode where I lead you through. I have also written a post that talks about how to start feeling your emotions for those struggling to feel emotion: How To Start Feeling Your Emotions. In this post, I list several questions that will help you describe how your emotion feels in your body, which is part of the process I lead you through in this episode.

Learning from the process

First, you will want to practice. It’s possible nothing happened for you the first time; maybe you weren’t in a space where you were able to relax and take the practice to a level that appeared to be helpful. Do it again and again when you notice an emotion keeping you stuck; your body will speak to you with time and practice, which brings me to the second way to learn.

Listen. You have to get quiet and listen. You have to trust your body to tell you exactly what you need at the moment; it’s your body; as you start listening to it and opening up to it and honoring what it tells you, you’ll get better at the practice.

Trust and be open. Remember that the brain is part of the body and that it is meant to work together. There is a reason you feel pain when you stub your toe; there is also a reason why your stomach is turning upside down right before that presentation. The better you get at listening to and understanding these responses, the better you will utilize them to create what you want in your life and marriage.

When you feel stuck in an emotion, maybe when you have a conflict with your partner, and you can’t let it go, one of the best ways to move through it instead of spiraling into it is this practice. Let the body communicate with the mind to learn and move forward with your own inner wisdom and insight.

If you are curious about this process and would like to work together on an emotion that you can’t seem to let go of, I want to encourage you to book a free coaching session to take you through this powerful process.


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

From Shutdown to Alive In Our Marriage Ep 22

From Shutdown to Alive In Our Marriage | Relationship Coach

When you think back to the beginnings of your marriage, you might remember that time being one of giving all of yourself to that relationship; they were your everything, you’d do almost anything for them. Fast forward to now, where you feel like you are in a marital desert; you feel disconnected and distant in this relationship that you said “yes” to. Today let’s talk about how we get to what I’m calling marital shutdown and how we go from shutdown to alive in our marriage relationship.

Getting to marital shutdown

Let’s start with what marital shutdown is. A marital shutdown is when we stop taking action towards developing a relationship with our partner that matters to us. We maybe make half-hearted attempts to connect, but when things don’t go our way, we use it to reinforce the thought that our marriage is failing and has stopped growing.

Marital shutdown comes from a series of actions that either you take or your partner takes that create a feeling of hurt and has you pulling away and maybe even taking actions that might cause the other to pull away. It’s a slow process of each of you giving a little less of each other, not clearing up what got in the way of relationship growth and having one or both of you withdrawing a little bit here and there. Over time you find yourself in a place that you never wanted to be, not really knowing how you got here or how to change directions. You feel lost in a distant marriage, surface level, and disconnected.

How we get to an alive marriage

Let’s start with what an alive marriage looks like. An alive and fully awakened marriage is not a marriage where we behave “perfectly” all the time, whatever perfect marital actions are. An alive marriage is where we own our actions, understand why we took those actions, and share with our partner what happened and why. When we share, we share from a place within, taking full responsibility for why we responded the way we did and using the experience to learn, grow and create a more intimate relationship with our partner/

How we get to alive is honestly the same way we got to shutdown, by taking small steps of vulnerable actions. We start taking steps that feel super uncomfortable but help us understand each other better. We begin to feel empathy for what the other person is experiencing and have compassion instead of judgment.

Our marital relationship and any relationship will be stuck at a level of closeness based on our mutual willingness to be vulnerable and expose ourselves. If we want to get to a higher level of closeness in our marriage, one of us needs to be willing to be a little more vulnerable. When we take small steps of vulnerability, it leads our partners to feel comfortable following us, and this is why AwakenYou is so powerful. In the program, you learn how to take the steps you want to take in the marriage you want to create, and as you do that, your partner will follow, I promise!

Examples of vulnerable steps you can take to move from marital shutdown to an alive marriage

  • Holding their hand
  • Setting your phone down when they talk and engaging with all of your attention
  • Planning a date and inviting them
  • Telling them what you appreciate about them
  • Sharing a compliment
  • Giving them a small gift
  • Writing a love note and tucking it into their work bag
  • Inviting them to help you with a project or asking if they’d like help with a project they are working on
  • That thing you wish they would do for you, you do it for them
  • Making them their favorite meal or snack
  • Letting them pick the movie and not complaining about it
  • Inviting them to join you in a game

I’d love to hear your ideas of how you could take a tiny, powerful step forward in your marital relationship. Every little step you take will empower you to feel more courageous to take the next step and what you will see is how your partner is following in your footsteps. Join the other women who have joined AwakenYou and brought their marriage from shutdown to thriving by implementing the processes I teach in the program. You, too, will be one of the women who learns that they have the power to actually shape their marriage into exactly what they want and live a life of dedication to their truth.


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

The Power Of Pause Ep 21

The Power Of Pause | Relationship Coach

We are at the six-month marker of 2021. Halfway through the journey of achieving those goals we set for ourselves at the start of this year. Today I am going to share a little secret about the power of pause right now, at this time of the year, in your life. What I am sharing with you today is actually going to fuel you with the power you need to keep making strides towards hitting that impossible goal you intend on achieving by the end of this year.

To kick this episode off, I am going to be completely forthcoming with all of you. This year I have let go of a few of my power of pause practices because I was “too busy” focusing on my goals, telling myself the lie that I don’t have the time to pause. Instead, I have been incorporating some new practices that have given me newfound gratitude for my body and the messages it sends me that I typically ignore by staying in my head. I have been practicing and preparing a new level of breakthrough for my AwakenYou program that incorporates getting out of our heads and into what the body is telling us. I have always known the power of the body, but in the past, it was more about using my head to power through, which ultimately leads us to fall short of the goal that is possible for us.

I’d love for you to think of a time when you knew you needed time off, you felt it in your body, but instead, you ignored your body and used your mind to keep pushing forward, promising yourself when you get to the next step you’ll take a break. Lie, lie, LIE. Then what happens? Your body takes over the show and forces you into a pause. Really think about a time that this happened in your life, go there and visualize it, think about how it felt when you were “stuck” mending your body, waiting for it to heal so you could get busy with those goals. Then, of course, not using the pause to learn and grow but instead diving in when your body starts to set you free to see how you will practice the pause moving forward.

I just experienced this last week. I came off of a week up at my brother’s cabin for my birthday. I was afraid to take even a whole day off, “my business is depending on me” were the thoughts I was hiding behind. I came home from a stunning week, my body not feeling quite right, and using my new practice, I focused on listening to the signals my body was sending. It was loud and clear; you are sick, and it’s time to let go and let God. So I did. I let a throat and ear infection ride its course and honored their reasons for being there; they were looking after me, teaching me the power of the pause.

The body knows, and I am so grateful for that and am softening into the practice of listening with a pearl of newfound wisdom as I share the steps I am taking in my practice of the pause. I’d love for you to join me and share your experience. Together let’s honor our dreams to reach goals that could never be achieved without this practice. Let’s recommit to the goal we are completing over the next six months, the future we will create for ourselves, and the marriage we love coming home to.

If you struggle with taking time for yourself, make this a short practice to start; I’m starting with one day; maybe you give yourself a half-day and then ask yourself how to create space for a full day the next quarter. Grab yourself a notebook and pencil to take notes and decide right now what day you will practice the pause with me. Commit. Write it on the calendar and honor your commitment. Me? I’ll be doing mine this Friday, and yes, my brain is already making excuses about how this is not going to work out but I’m willing to listen and hold that fearful child while I move forward and do it anyway.

The first step to the power of pause is writing an achievement list

Schedule thirty minutes at the start of your scheduled day to write down all of the things you have achieved this year. ALL of the things, regardless of whether they apply directly to your planned goal or not.

  • All of the uncomfortable conversations you have planned and followed through on
  • All of the adventures you have planned with your partner and followed through on
  • The impossible goal you have written down and the steps you have taken to move towards achieving it
  • The time you have taken to do your daily practice of examining your thoughts and planning how you will thin out those that are anything but useful

Look through each month/week/day of this year so far and remember. The way I remember is by writing them down every single day. I daily write down at least three things I made happen that day; some days, it is getting out of bed. From these daily achievements, I collect the ones that stand out and make me proud of my daily work.

Secondly, take a look at that impossible goal you set for 2021

Take fifteen minutes to revisit that impossible goal and all of the mini-goals you set to get there. No condemnation. No judgment. No should haves.

  • If you’ve already achieved them then high five yourself! Could you reset your goal for something bigger?
  • If you “haven’t” achieved them ask yourself how all of the achievements from the first step have moved your needle forward allowing you to get closer to your goal.

Step Three is to review and renew your commitment and compelling reason

Take fifteen minutes to look at your commitment and the compelling reason that you set for yourself. Recommit and decide if you need to make your compelling reason more compelling. If you haven’t ever written out a commitment and compelling reason for your goal achievement, I have a worksheet just for you, grab it here. (share document to mailing list sign up)

Visualize your completion of your goal

Take fifteen minutes to write about what your life will be like when you reach your stretch goal for this year; how will you feel? What are your weeks and weekends like? Describe them in detail. How do you interact with your partner? What are you doing on a day to day, week to week basis? How will you start living into that person now? Create your vision so you can start living into who she is and looking to her for advice when things feel hard.

Lastly, download strategies you will implement to finish strong

This is a fun contemplation exercise where you get to let go and allow yourself to dream big.

  1. Start by asking yourself a question, “What strategies will I take to reach my goal of having a fun, joyful, loving marriage?”
  2. Do a 5-10 minute contemplation, set a timer, where you empty your brain and focus on your senses. Don’t think about your goal and how you will achieve it. When you notice yourself in your brain thinking, come back to your breathing, touch, sight, or other senses.
  3. After your contemplation, ask yourself the question again and allow yourself to free-write ideas. Fill a page with any ideas that come to your mind, yes, especially those that sound stupid and ridiculous.
  4. Pick at least five out of your list to implement; for more ideas of implementing and following through, check out this post: (link to goal setting article).

Now about the implementation

Take these five steps and spread them out throughout the day you have set aside. Schedule them on the calendar or a piece of paper, plan your success. Pay close attention to what comes up for you when the time comes for you to take the next step; expect your brain to come up with other “more fun” ideas instead of what you planned. Visualize and think about how you will feel when you follow through on what you planned on doing and then do it anyway, no matter how uncomfortable you feel.

In between these five steps, you will plan something fun, something that lights you up and takes you away from thinking about your goals and where you are right now with them. Singing, dancing, cooking, swimming, gardening, running through the sprinkler, doing cartwheels, biking, laying in the sun, reading a chapter in a silly book, buying a coffee or tea at a cafe you have meant to visit. Whatever it is that fills your heart with joy, do it, and then dive into the next step.

I highly suggest no media on this day to increase the power of your pause.

I am doing mine this Friday. Let me know when you are doing yours, and let’s share in the energy and power we are creating. Maybe you want to do it with me; we’ll send each other powerful, dream-building vibrations. Then I want to hear how it went for you because you know I will be sharing my experience with you!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Why Your Style Matters with Judith Gaton Ep 20

Remember that time when you had that outfit on and you thought you were unstoppable? Today we’re going to talk about how to bring that feeling into your every day just by discovering your style personality and bringing it to life. This month get ready to laugh while getting some inspiration to begin the process of letting go of what you don’t like putting on your body and bringing something new into your closet so you can show up in your life and your marriage in a way that feels amazing.

Judith Gaton is a stylist, Master Certified life coach, and lawyer. She is your professor of glam and elegance. Through her signature course Style Masterclass, she teaches her clients that thought work is the key to a lasting makeover. Through confidence coaching and mindset work, she helps her clients to see that they can dress and love the body they are in right now. When Style & Confidence are dialed in, women can go do the work they were created to do in the world. Her ultimate style philosophy: Confident Women Build Legacies.

Her program is called Style Masterclass.

You can reach Miss J through her website: Judith Gaton

Style Masterclass podcast

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I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Three Ways To Create Connection In Your Marriage Ep 19

Three Ways To Create Connection In Your Marriage | Relationship Coach

Missing connection in your marriage is something many of us struggle with; I certainly did. Maybe it’s something you’ve always thought you didn’t have enough of in your relationship, or it’s something that you feel has slowly dissipated; either way, it is 100% possible to bring connection into your marriage relationship, the type of connection you want. The journey to feeling connected in my own marriage has been an interesting one and one I have struggled with since the early years of our relationship, I think even before we got married. I had a belief that really did not serve me one bit; I believed that we didn’t have any connection and that he needed to change for me to feel connected. I had a vision of what connection meant for me and that vision was all about him.

This belief kept me from creating the connection I wanted because I was looking at why he wasn’t creating it. When I was able to step back and see that this could be something for me to figure out, I started the journey to taking my power back.

My own thoughts about lack of connection produced many arguments and were the basis of many of our sessions when we worked with different therapists over the years. When I found coaching and started working with my coach, she shared a different perspective that completely changed my life. There was a point in our work together when my coach questioned my thought about connection with Jeff and asked me what connection meant for me. I, of course, had lots to say about what it should look like. She asked what I thought about the possibility of us actually having great connection exactly the way it was, I told her she was ridiculous. After the session her question kept chasing me, I asked myself “what if?”, what if we did have great connection? How would I show up if I thought we had great connection?

Needless to say, from that point on, I have been on a journey to create the connection I want in my marriage. One, please notice how that coaching session worked for me. My coach didn’t tell me how to create good connection, she helped me think about it differently, and when I was able to think about it differently, it allowed me to come up with ideas of how I wanted to create connection in my marriage. That is what we do together, you and I; you share what you are struggling with, and I help you see what it is you are struggling with from different perspectives giving you new ways to problem solve and create solutions that work for you. Secondly, connection is something we create for ourselves; it is an emotion. It’s possible to feel connected when you’re not having a conversation with your partner or when you are. It is possible to feel connected talking about the weather or talking about the law of relativity because connection is a feeling we produce in our minds; it isn’t what your partner is or isn’t saying.

Something is compelling about doing the work of creating connection in your marriage. When you do the work of creating the connection you want with your partner, what happens is you will notice your partner starting to participate in conversations. When you don’t judge how they should show up, what they have to say and how they say it, you can simply enjoy your time together, creating connection!

Decide what different ways you want connection in your life and through conversation with your partner discover which ones they are willing to fulfill.

As humans, we want connection; we want to be included with others. It’s something we do from an early age on through our life, including when we get married, we seek to feel connection with our partner. Along with creating connection with your partner, I think it’s essential to learn how to build a relationship “family” that meets all of our relationship desires. Over and over again, including in my relationships, I see people disconnect from connections they have established once they meet their partner. We start spending most of our time with this new person while forgetting to keep our other connections alive; we look to our new partner to fulfill all of our connection needs which sets us up for expecting our partners to fulfill connection needs that they might not be interested in filling.

Remember how you did things with your partner not because you enjoyed the activity but because you wanted to be with them? Not a problem but also notice how many of those activities you might not care to be included in anymore and how might this be true for your partner as well? I call this took the “turning the table” concept where we take what we are struggling with and change roles which helps us better understand what might be happening instead of our partner not loving us anymore.

This step is about creating a list of all of the ways you might want to connect with others, think broad and think about connection that you might be wanting from your partner but aren’t getting. A few examples might be:

  • Adventure travels exploring new activities and locations
  • An art and creative partner
  • Art festival companion
  • Food adventurer
  • Romantic connection, physical touch
  • Someone to tell life secrets to
  • Dream conversations about what is possible in life
  • World traveler companion
  • Political banter companion
  • An accountability partner to follow through on dreams you want to fulfill in this lifetime

Our partners will not want to fill all of your connection desires, and I don’t think we would want them to, just like you might not be interested in fulfilling that connection desire your partner has around spending the weekend in a boat on the lake throwing out lines with bait on them. You will also have some connection desires filled by multiple people and some that are filled by one; you might do outdoor walks with your partner and still have another friend who joins you in outdoor activities and can look completely different. A relationship “family” is your group of people who help you explore life and your interests together. Some of these connections may come and go over time, or your connection doesn’t happen very frequently. As you expand your relationship family, you might start adding new ways you might want to connect with others, and then you start that search for a new partner to fulfill your new connection. Through this process, you may also discover that some of your current connections are no longer working for you and decide to limit or deprioritize those connections for those that are more fulfilling for you and the life you want to live.

Let go of your expectations of what connection should look like

When I started questioning what connection might look like with Jeff, I stopped arguing with what was currently happening as well as what had happened in the past. Instead, I started being curious about what could happen today and moving forward. I started opening up to conversations that felt awkward in my head but led us to some interesting conversations and laughs. When I started questioning that car rides should always include fun conversations, I started to get comfortable with the silence. When I got comfortable with the silence, I started coming up with conversations.

When you can see that you have a handbook for how your partner should show up and participate in a conversation, that’s when you can start closing the handbook and start coming up with your own style of connection and conversation. Check out my earlier post about Why Our Marital Handbooks Don’t Work.

What if it is ok that your partner doesn’t start conversations and when they do, how do you participate? Are you curious, or do you shut them down? Remember that “Turn The Table” tool I talked about earlier? Do you have expectations of how they show up, but when the table is turned, are you showing up the way you’d like them to for you?

Without your handbook of how conversations should go, you can start getting curious about when conversations might be best received, and you can start planning intentional time to chat. Share your intention with your partner, learn how to ask great questions, check out my blog post How To Ask Great Questions to get you started. What do you want to know about your partner, what do you want to talk about, and start creating that which you want?

Find a structured “meeting” time or schedule that works for you, just like a work meeting, where you discuss relationship basics as I share in my relationship huddle meeting.

Suppose you and your partner haven’t scheduled meetings before, this concept might seem a bit awkward at first. I used to have a Friday night catch-up with my daughter when she was growing up, and I looked forward to those nights because we shared discussions about things that came up for us during the week, but we didn’t have the time to hash them out and then we would turn it into a family night where we did something fun after the conversation. The same concept with your hubby, we have busy lives, and things come up for us during the week but then when the weekend comes if we don’t plan with intention, everything slips aways only to fester under the surface and eventually erupt.

Remember that this is your idea, you are taking steps to increase connection in your marriage, and that it’s quite possible that your partner might not bring anything to the meeting. If this happens you might find yourself wanting to blame them for not participating and being a partner, but I would challenge you to think about him not bringing anything to the meeting is a problem. Instead you could make it mean that you have the power to change this relationship that you want connection in.

To get started, I want to suggest you read my article about The Relationship Huddle; it will give you a structure to get your meetings started, and over time you can shape them into your own signature version. There is a reason we come together in meetings at work; it brings us together to talk about important things going on, things that have happened, and things we want to create; how important is it to do this same sort of meeting in our marriage?

Lastly, I want to suggest that you be willing to do the work to get what you want in your marriage, no matter how difficult it feels.

A bonus tip for you today is around the idea of commitment to do tough things. We are all familiar with the statement that nothing worthwhile is easy (or something like that); as my listener, you’re here because you believe your marriage is worthwhile, your happiness is worthwhile, and I fully agree. Worthwhile is work and is intentional. It is completely ok to set it down here and there and decide you need a break from the work; no problem, the problem comes when we set it down and don’t pick it back up again. When we don’t pick it back up, we will continue getting our old result which brought us here. Creating exceptional relationships is work because it requires us to step out of the comfort of staying the same, do something that might be new and that someone else might have an opinion about.

Your man might think what you are doing is ridiculous until he starts to see how it isn’t. When he sees that you are actually creating connection in your marriage, better enjoying time together, feeling more involved in your relationship, and creating more physical intimacy, well, I guess that it’s not as ridiculous as he thought.

You, my friend, have the power to create the connection you want in your marriage, and all it takes is a little nudge from inside to make it happen. Trust me, all of those little nudges you take action on will add to you creating a marriage worth coming home to!


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true self. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of