Creating Great Connection

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! πŸ˜ƒ It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Dreams To Reality

Somewhere in the timeline of a love relationship, couples go from crazy in love to waking up dissatisfied with the state of their relationship. This might take anywhere from a couple of months to several years, oftentimes not really noticing the deficiency they are feeling until they are past the point of complacency. Not knowing what steps to take to wake it back up, couples often find themselves accepting their relationship as more like a roommate living situation than one of deep love, connection and fun. You might even say that business partners would be an upgrade to how you would describe your current marriage or committed relationship.

If you’ve stopped coming up with ideas to bring flavor into your marriage, then now is the perfect time to start creating ideas and turning those ideas into your relationship reality.

The process starts with at least one of the partners in the relationship having a desire to change their current state of discontent. Until that desire to change becomes bigger than the desire to stay the same, then nothing will change. Knowing that it only takes one in the relationship for this change to occur makes the process even easier to start, your partner doesn’t even need to know that you are discontent in your relationship.

When our pain of staying the same exceeds the pain, or discomfort, of seeking change that’s when we’re ready to take action. In relationships we get comfortable with the way we are doing our life and don’t know how to start creating change, it feels super uncomfortable to start doing things differently. We might start by seeking what we feel we are missing somewhere outside of our relationship. It might be going out with our friends, in an effort to avoid our partner, doing less things alone with our partner, we might look for hobbies or classes to bring in some excitement, even further distancing us from the one we love the most and avoiding finding a solution to the underlying problem. I’m not at all saying that hanging out with friends, or doing things with other couples, or taking enrichment classes is wrong, I’m just saying that when it’s rooted in a desire to avoid active steps to improve your relationship, then you’re going to get more of the same in your relationship.

Relationship healing is similar to any other life goal that you want to plan the success of:

  1. Come up with a vision for your intimate relationship
  2. Create an action plan
  3. Start taking massive action

It truly is that simple, the difficult part is implementing the action steps you want to take. Our brains are resistant to change, it really wants us to keep everything just as it is, even if we’re not happy with status quo.

Change is difficult because it requires us to be vulnerable, it requires us to get uncomfortable. Discomfort makes us want to quit and that’s why treating it like any other goal and finding a hard why, makes quitting an option that isn’t available.

Let’s look at the steps a bit more closely.

Vision

Here’s where you get to dream, here’s where you ask yourself what your desired romantic relationship looks like. Start a list that has all the things that are 100% crucial for you and then a list of relationship needs that don’t have to come from your partner. Often times early in our love relationships we are expecting our loved one to provide all of our relationship needs and often they do so, until time passes. When we are doing things for our partner that aren’t a want match for us, then we’ll eventually stop doing them. Let’s say your husband used to go to art shows with you, something you love to do but he’s not into it, now he says he’s not interested. That’s not a want match, you want to go, he doesn’t and how can you be ok with that? How can this be your opportunity to connect with your artsy friends?

Then ask yourself why this dream is important to you, list all of the reasons and really take some time with this step.

Then look at all of the hard things you’ve succeeded with in your life and in your relationships, start building up the awareness of your ability to do hard things.

Create an action plan

This is the part where you will list all of the things that will get in the way of you achieving this dream. Brainstorm all of the obstacles and the strategies for overcoming those obstacles. Let me give you some ideas:

  • Overcoming old beliefs you have about your relationship
  • Increasing self confidence
  • Creating a love relationship with yourself
  • Re-writing your past life story, including but not limited to your story about this relationship you are unhappy in
  • Learning new ways to have an unconditional love relationship
  • Learning how to manage your time so you can plan your success

Taking massive action

Massive action is continuing to take action even when it’s uncomfortable, when you want to give up, when it’s hard. Taking action is easy when your actions bring you “success” but when your actions “fail”, this is when things will become difficult, this is when we want to find something easier to do. When we’re afraid to take action because of how it might feel, that’s where a solid hard why is so integrally important. Re-visiting our vision, our hard why, on a daily basis and remembering why we’re here doing this work. When things get difficult our old beliefs with sneak in to tell you that the old existence was just fine, falling back into complacency, this is when our vision can easily get muddy.

Taking massive action to create our future dreams takes grit, perseverance and a solid why to not give up when our actions seem to fail. Taking massive action when our brain is telling us that we should just forget about it, that we should just sit on the opposite end of the couch and read our book instead of asking for a cuddle, is when we will start seeing the results of our work. You will start to see the fruits of your labor and that is what will encourage you to keep going.

My clients know that their desired result is so important to them that they are willing to believe something new. They’re not willing to leave their relationship, yet they’re tired of it staying the same. They know their results will far outweigh their discomfort and they are ready to invest in the magic that happens when they re-ignite their love.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Embracing What Is

Right now many of us would agree that we are living in uncertain times and are not ready to embrace what is.

Somewhere in our future the COVID-19 will be in our past. The medical practitioners will have found a vaccine, schools will have learned how to use technology to up level their ability to teach, parents will become more adept at accomplishing more while working at home, businesses will learn how to run on a slimmer in-person system, allowing more people to work from home and less fuel emissions.

Some of us will look back knowing we created some amazing memories along with learning some valuable lessons. Some of us will look back at how awful these times were. I have made it my duty to make sure there are as many of you experiencing the former vs the later.

When we ask ourselves how this can be for us we come up with so many beautiful opportunities of growth yet our brains choose to focus on how this is going to to be the end of us. That truly is what our brain is supposed to do, warn of us danger and protect us so knowing how to manage our mind becomes even more important during these times.

When it comes to embracing what is I want to give you four suggestions starting with learning how to make strong decisions.

The truth is that right now, we don’t know what the truth is and we humans are looking outside of ourselves for answers how to act. We’re struggling with how to make decisions because there are so many different opinions flying all over the place. Our brain wants to collect all of the data so it can make the right decision, that’s where the problem begins. There is never a “right’ decision, someone will always have a opinion different from ours, that’s why I encourage you to decide and move on to the next thing on your list of things to decide on. It’s possible to literally buffer all day long looking at everyone’s opinion, I suggest you don’t do it! Decide on a few reliable sources that you will gather your information from and start formulating your own plan for how you want to navigate, for how you want to show up. Then be all in on your decision, don’t let yourself be “pressured” and people pleased into what measures, or lack of measures, others are taking. Continue to collect information as it becomes available and then adjust your decision accordingly, making no apologies for being all in on you.

My second suggestion for embracing what is, and honestly my top suggestion, is to keep up with your planning routine.

I teach my clients how to plan their week every Monday and then do a following day review in the evening to check and make sure everything is still good or make any adjustments if changes have occurred. Planning allows you to use your pre-frontal cortex to decide ahead of time what you want your day to look like, this might include a few hours of flex time if you have littles at home, like many do during this time. With a plan in place you can decide in the beginning of the day what you want your result to be for the day, what you need to believe to achieve that result and how you’re going to need to feel in order to make that result come true. Without a plan it will be easy to spend most of your day in overwhelm while buffering on news, eating, escaping and end your day thinking you’ve achieved nothing.

Thirdly let’s talk about gratitude.

Focusing on what we are grateful for during this time and what great things are going to come out of it seems difficult. The only reason it seems difficult though is that it’s not what our brains are naturally wired to look for. We’re wired to look for what’s wrong, what the problems are with this scenario and that’s completely perfect except in this day and age it doesn’t serve us. Looking at what is positive about our situation allows our brain to problem solve, expand and learn. How will you problem solve, grow and learn new things during this time?

Lastly, ask yourself what you would love to do during this time.

This is an opportune time to learn how to manage our minds and build relationships at home as well as outside of the home. When it comes to learning the tools of managing your mind I have a whole lot of resources to get you started, including all of my posts here, my YouTube channel as well as all of my social media content on Facebook and Instagram.

Building relationships is what I help my clients navigate. I help them do the fulfilling work of learning how to bring love back into their life. Right now couples who are struggling in their relationship are most concerned about what is going to happen now that they’ll be spending so much time together. That this might be the straw that breaks the camel’s back so to speak, yet this can actually be a time of growth and new found love if we go into the situation with open minds. Minds open to taking this gift of time together to work through what isn’t working, together talking about topics you don’t make time to talk about. If you would like any help with this please reach out, I have a whole program full of worksheets you can have fun working through together enabling quality, open and vulnerable conversations, who knows what bliss they might lead to!

How do you build relationships outside of the home? I have already found that using my virtual coaching platform as a tool to hold all of my other meetings to come in quite remarkably handy. People who have felt uncomfortable walking into a live community event have been able to open the door to possibility by anonymously attending virtually. We get to meet, they get to know myself and the other people in the virtual room which introduces them to amazing people they wouldn’t have met if it weren’t for this forced social distancing. Organize your own virtual get together today and see what joy you bring not only to your heart, but to the hearts of others!

I just want to encourage all of you to be curious about what is happening right now, observe when your brain judges other people’s decisions or your own decisions. I want to encourage you to stay away from thinking you’re doing it wrong and ask yourself how you can use this as an opportunity to deepen our love for ourselves and others.

Pause and ask yourself how are we always living in “uncertain” times and how is this time no different from any other? Remind yourself that we have overcome great things in our lives and one day we will look back at how we overcame COVID-19. Remind yourself that thinking this is going to be the death of us will create us dying to ourselves, dying to what we could create, dying to our next best version. Truly, where you place your attention is where your energy will go. Do you want to give this virus your energy or do you want to think that this could be fun? No, I’m not saying dying is fun, I’m saying that putting our energy there will kill our collective light.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Pornography

Today I want to lightly dig into the the topic of pornography when it comes to the effect that it has possibly had in your life and your relationships.

As a life coach, my aim is to help my clients look at current belief systems around the things in their lives that are causing problems for them. Beliefs that are keeping them stuck and unable to move forward. We look at beliefs that aren’t serving them in their life and do the work of wiggling those beliefs into something that can start moving them towards the results they desire, results they haven’t been able to move close to. In order to do that I will often challenge beliefs that keep us in our past life and we work on moving forward into the person we want to be in our intimate relationships.

That’s what I’m going to talk about here with the topic of pornography.

For me, I have spent most of my life holding on tightly to a belief about early exposure to pornography. A belief that has kept me stuck in so many ways, but most evidently in my relationships. Nothing seemed to help me get out of the past, out of the resentment, out of the anger, blame and disgust. Life coaching is what enabled me to start the process of letting go of the story I was holding so tightly to, the story that was only destroying me, the story I made a part of my identity. My coach enabled me to let of my story and start creating my own beautiful story around me, my relationships and my sexuality.

A big part of that beautiful story is that my experience allows me to help other women. I am able to understand how much pain other women are around their past life stories and able to help them out of that place, into a life of relational and sexual freedom. I want you to know that I am not by any means a sex expert, I am only using my story to help others with their journey and struggles so they can start healing and create a loving relationship that they have been keeping themselves from having.

Let’s start with what pornography is: sexually explicit videos, photographs, writings, or the like, whose purpose is to elicit sexual arousal.

Basically, pornography is a form of buffering or escapism, similar to alcohol or drug use or overeating, over Netflixing. Buffering is when we are putting something between ourselves and something we don’t want to experience. It starts with seeking some sort of pleasure to escape from a negative emotion, an emotion the person doesn’t want, or know how, to process, immediate gratification sounds like a much better idea in the moment.

Pornography allows a person to escape that negative thing going on in their life. It’s cheap, it’s readily assessable and highly gratifying. As human beings we are genetically wired to be sexual, it’s in our DNA, it guarantees procreation and, let’s be honest, sexual gratification feels good. When we have an orgasm our brain creates a huge dopamine deposit into the blood stream telling us that what we just did was amazing and that we should do it again, and again. When used the way God designed it to be used it’s amazing, when we abuse it, well, that’s when things happen that don’t make us feel so good. That dopamine hit is highly addictive and when we don’t know how to deal with the root problem that is driving us to other sources for sexual gratification, we will seek more and more of our buffer of choice.

Pornography use and exposure becomes hurtful to us, and our future or current, partners for many reasons, with these being a few:

  • Distorted expectations of what sex looks like in real life
  • A higher sexual gratification threshold
  • Distorted expectations of what the human body should look like in order to be appealing to the opposite sex
  • Distorted ideas of how to get attention from the opposite sex and what their values might be
  • It distorts our own perceived value
  • It distorts ones view of a healthy sex life creating future relational disconnect

Let’s start by looking at pornographic exposure for young minds who are developing their ideas about relationships, themselves and their worthiness. Early exposure without education can be an influence of how to get attention from the opposite sex, it can drive early experimentation, it can create unrealistic expectations of how to behave and possibly turn into a learned tool to attract or get validation from the opposite sex. Pornographic exposure is more real today than ever which means that our children need help maneuvering through the experience they will come across, expect it sooner than later. We can help them by talking openly to our children, helping them to understand why it is unrealistic and damaging. We can help them by keeping lines of communication open instead of closing them down by shaming, guilting or scaring them. Teaching our next generation about the gift of sexual desire and what healthy relationships look like opens up the secrecy and makes it less interesting to developing minds.

Next let’s look at when we have people in our lives who are having a pornography buffering compulsion. Our typical reaction to loved ones in our lives who are dealing with a sexual compulsion is to shame and guilt them, avoid them, blow up, constantly checking up on them, sneaking into their computers or phones, withdraw intimacy, blame them for the problems in their relationship and, of course, to think that we’re not enough, that we’re the reason they are using porn. The truth is that pornography is actually neutral, it is real in our world, it is factual, by itself it’s nothing. We are the ones who put meaning to pornographic use or exposure, that meaning will create an feeling that will dictate how we act and the results we will get in our relationships with ourselves. When we think thoughts like “they spend more time watching porn than paying attention to me”, producing the emotion of resentment, we’re showing up in ways we aren’t really proud of in an effort to try and control them. The end result is us spending lots of time complaining about how someone else isn’t treating us right which gives us the result of us mistreating ourselves.

We could totally skip the part that creates us beating ourself up. We can totally skip to empathy so we can show up for our partner. We can totally decide that someone else’s problem is for them to figure out and that we’re here for them, no matter what.

Please don’t misunderstand me. If I could eliminate pornography I would be all on board with that, unfortunately that isn’t in my control, nor do I want it to be. What is in my control is how I’m thinking about it and what that will do for all of the people around me. I want to be able to open up clarity around what is real and what is real is that our children are being exposed to it and our loved ones are using it to avoid what is happening in their life. When we come at pornography from a place of wanting to be able to help our children, to be able to not make it mean anything about us when our spouse is buffering with it, wanting to have open conversation instead of hiding in shame, that’s when we will need to feel self confident, empathetic, compassionate and certain. Our thoughts will need to be thoughts of how you want to help your children or spouse through their life, which allows you to show up with unconditional love, as your best self, and that my friend is a beautiful result.

When looking at one’s own personal experience around pornography and sexual dysfunction, the self coaching model will help you create awareness with what is happening for you so that we can then see how it might be affecting our relationships.

My journey to awareness around pornographic material, my journey of re-writing my story has empowered me in my own relationships and has led me to help empower others in their own journey. Being able to use my story to teach others how to let go of the chains from their past and their own sexuality has been one of the most rewarding parts of what I do.

I have a passion to create awareness and openness around the topic of pornography and it’s affect on people’s most intimate relationships, instead of sweeping it under the rug creating long term dysfunction. Let my passion allow you to finally let go of the story you keep telling the world. Let my passion allow you to tell a new story, a story of who you really are and a story of who you are becoming. Let me help you become the person who is intimately in love with their committed relationship.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Sabotage

Relationship sabotage is when we act in ways that destroy the very relationships we want to thrive. These actions often manifest from within ourselves and that is the best news I have for you today. Good news because it’s work we can do for ourselves that will not only enrich our own life but allow us to create the love relationship of our dreams.

For me, I found myself looking at the possibility of losing my second marriage relationship. I was heartbroken yet I knew, for me, divorce wasn’t going to be an option. I truly thought I had taken the time, listened to the direction of the Holy Spirit, and found my soulmate. Truth was, I hadn’t taken time needed to work on myself prior to committing to that relationship.

At this point I saw two options, to stay the same or to do the real work of digging into my relationship with myself. There are so many ways a person could be sabotaging the very relationship where they desire love, joy and true connection, let’s look at a few.

Are you expecting your loved one to fulfill all of your wants and desires? This is one huge mistake I see so many couples make. Two people coming together, each with their own individual strengths and weaknesses, expecting the other to be strong in all categories and interested in all interests. This is impossible and will drain the life out of your relationship quickly. Couples might be able to keep up the act until they get married but once life settles in one, or both, are not going to be able to keep up the charade, nor should they. It’s very important to sit down early in the committed relationship and decide what each of your wants are and which ones each of you are willing to match. There are so many other options of people who can fill up your want desires; friends, family, co-workers, mentors, etc.

Next to this let’s take strengths and weaknesses a bit deeper. Know what strengths you bring to the relationship and what your weaknesses are. If one of you is a planner, there’s no reason to want the other to be a planner, improve your planning skills and claim it. There are going to many things that neither of you are strong in, come together and decide how you want to handle such tasks, let’s say neither of you love cooking, figure out a system together that works. Continual communication along the way is key to success when it comes to getting things done in your relationship.

Self confidence. If you are constantly tearing yourself down out loud and in need of your loved one to lift you up, this will wear your relationship thin, fast. Your partner is not your self confidence cheerleader, you are. No matter what your mate says, no matter how many times they tell you your beautiful, lack of self confidence isn’t going to make you all of a sudden believe it. This is work you need to do for yourself.

People pleasing. People pleasing is doing for your partner in an attempt to get them to think nice things about you. You know what happens when you people please? Eventually they stop telling you how amazing you are for taking care of them, you start to get tired of taking care of them because you feel like they don’t appreciate you and now you’re in a stew of resentment. Do said tasks because you said you would, because you want to, whether they acknowledge your kindness or not and let them know when you aren’t able to take care of the task if necessary. No resentment, just two people doing love together.

Authenticity. Not showing up 100% your authentic self is lying. Lying never works because lying always comes out into the truth. Do each of you a favor and be up front and honest about it all, including the areas that require the most vulnerability. Not being vulnerable means you’re hiding, being inauthentic and destroying your love relationship. The question to ask yourself is what are you afraid of, why won’t you be 100% honest? It’s always because of what we think someone will think of us. Friends, if they don’t like us at our worst now then they aren’t the one you should be spending your time with now.

Not working on your own intimacy and sexual struggles. Once you’re in a committed relationship it’s important to work together on your intimacy and sexual challenges. Intentionally withholding intimacy in order to manipulate someone else’s emotions is using intimacy against someone and that isn’t healthy. Not wanting to be intimate because of a conflict is where a healthy partnership would sit down, discuss and resolve the issue by being open and honest.

Flirting or building an intimate personal relationship with someone of the opposite sex is a recipe for conflict. Humans are created with sexual desire, talking about close, intimate topics with someone of the opposite sex, who isn’t your loved one, is opening you up to the potential of crossing boundaries that weren’t intended to be crossed. If you are doing this, ask yourself why, what are you wanting from this connection and why aren’t you able to get this same result from your partner?

Self destructive behavior. Last week I wrote a post on this topic. All of the above plus the ones listed in that article will affect your intimate relationship.

All relationship sabotage starts with an insecurity within ourselves. The work of building a loving, trusting, connected marriage relationship starts by working on your own mental health. The best gift anyone can give themselves and their current, or future, partner, is the gift of their own mental health.

Most of us are on top of our physical and outward appearing health when in a new love relationship but what are you doing about your inner health?

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Self Destructive Behavior

When we think of self destructive behavior we most often think of extremes; suicidal thinking and attempts, cutting, drug use, over drinking, bulimia to name a few. Yet there is a long list that you might not even consider including, for example:

  • Thought patterns that don’t serve us, that have us losing before we start, “I’ll never amount to anything.” “I’ll never be able to have a loving relationship.”
  • Deliberately not taking action with your goals, guaranteeing failure ahead of time
  • Disordered eating of all types including over-eating, under-eating, over exercising to counterbalance food intake
  • Being a negative influence on others
  • Intentional withdrawal
  • Stuffing emotions
  • Acting dumb or incapable of creating results
  • All chemical abuse
  • Feeling sorry for yourself, or self pity, which just encourages inaction
  • Self sabotage and giving up on your desires
  • Over spending and not managing your money
  • Relationship sabotage including: being possessive, acting needy, being violent, emotional manipulation, jealousy and envy
  • Not taking care of yourself physically: not getting enough sleep, not getting movement, poor eating protocol
  • Pornography
  • Gambling
  • Over obsessing of any sort
  • Not attending to your state of mental health and learning how to up-level your life.

These are all learned behaviors that many of us work hard to resist the urge to indulge in. It’s possible that if you engage in any, or many, of these activities you may be labeling yourself as having an addictive personality.

The truth is that self destructive behaviors provide temporary relief, escape, temporary pleasure but over time cause much physical and mental pain.

As a coach I’m not here to dig into why you have developed these behaviors. The work I do with my clients is about teaching them how to handle the why behind these actions. We work on discovering what emotions they are running from and why.

Self destructive behavior is often a symptom of avoiding or resisting emotions. Learning how to process your emotions and determine where they are coming from is the work I do with my clients to start eliminating these destructive behaviors.

We work on our urges to numb the emotions we are feeling by actually feeling them, which starts to change the patterning we’ve deeply engrained into our brains.

Once we learn how to process our emotions we start feeling what delayed gratification feels like and start to decondition old patterns.

Over time we re-wire our brain patterning and discover that actually experiencing our emotions feels good and doesn’t kill us. We start changing our personality into the person we dream of being yet don’t know how to become. We be begin the process of creating a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves.

My clients start living the life they’ve dreamed of but never thought themselves worthy or capable. They start seeing their life in technicolor, high definition and are not one bit interested in going back to their old life. “Relapse” is not relapse, it is a learning tool to grow and understand instead of failure and giving up.

If you, or someone you know, suffers with self destructive behavior I’d love to share my life solution with them. Today could be the first day of their new life.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationships That Hurt Us

“Hurt” can meal all sorts of things to different people based on their own personal experiences.

Who comes to mind right now when you read the title? Spouse? Mother? Father? Child? Sibling? Friend?

Why do they hurt you?

I really want you to pause and answer that question, not just in your head. Grab a piece of paper, write the question at the top of the sheet, set the timer on your phone for 10 minutes and without any interruption, write down all of the reasons they hurt you.

Maybe it’s:

  • They said something hurtful that can never be taken back. You keep bringing them to life by repeating them over and over in your head, possibly years after they were spoken.
  • Maybe it’s the unforgettable thing they did to you. The video clip in your brain won’t let you leave it in the past.
  • It could be what they don’t do, that thing that you oh so desperately wish they would. Hurting yourself over and over by telling yourself that if they would just do this one thing, then maybe you would know they love you.

My beautiful friend, there are two truths I want to share with you,

  1. Even if they do, or say, what you want, it doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be convinced they love you. You will still be searching for love because you won’t believe them or they’ll eventually do that thing again that proves to you that they weren’t sincere.
  2. Letting go of these stories and finding peace is 100% available to you and it’s available today if you want it to be.

Today I’m going to share some steps you can take today to start stepping out of pain and into freedom from pain. Let’s dig in.

  1. Stop blaming them for all of the things; for how you feel, for the results in your life, for the way you are, for not loving you the way you want or for the pain you unwillingly embrace. You can take your power back today. These, and all of the other thoughts that are creating pain for you, put the power of how you feel into the hands of other people. You my love, are the only person who can change that. You can decide today to never allow that person to control how you think, feel and act.
  2. Stop arguing with what is. Byron Katie tells us that we can argue with reality and we’ll lose, but only 100% of the time. Really let that sink it, I wrote it in my journal a long time ago and those words still has impact in my life, daily. Our past is absolutely perfect, just as it happened, because it did happen, just as it did. What actually happened is real, but re-hashing it again and again only continues to hurt us again and again, not hurting anyone else but ourselves. In my Awaken(YourTrue)You program we do the work of re-writing these stories in a way that lets go of the pain, bringing freedom and complete power into your hands. Re-writing my past has been some of the best work I have done with my coach!
  3. Start telling a new story. The work of re-writing our painful stories, leaving everything out that doesn’t serve us, and adding in everything that is empowering and inspires us to be our best self and eliminate the pain.
  4. Define who you want to be. Here is where your creative mind gets to take over and define for yourself who you want to be in this relationship. Do you want to be the victim or the super star? You are the one who gets to choose. You get to ask yourself how you want to feel about this relationship. If you want to feel love, it’s an emotion you create with your own thoughts and is completely available to you, no matter what they say, no matter what they do.
  5. Start the beautiful work of re-creating yourself. I saved the best for last. Yes, you get to re-design your life. The past can be left in the past and today can be day one of your new life. If it’s a love relationship you desire, then you get to create it, without any participation from the other side. When you do the work to change and design your own love life, you get to do it without the participation of anyone else because you are creating love from within yourself.

There will come a point where your desire to change exceeds the pain you keep inflicting upon yourself. When you reach the point of seeking true relief, not the relief that comes from an external source like food, alcohol, drugs, relationships, material possessions, etc, that’s when you will be ready to take these steps seriously and start applying them.

Redesigning your life and becoming that new creation is the work of self love. Self love that you never thought was available to you. Now yours for the taking and once you taste self love, you will never want to go back to putting your self worth, your self love, in the hands of others. Learning how to love yourself when you’ve never learned how is work that will change your life in ways you would never have imagined and I look forward to taking you down this life changing path!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

From Relationship Scarcity To Abundance

It is 100% possible and the journey I take my clients through.

This is the last of a three part series where I dig into my concepts of relationship scarcity and relationship abundance. If you haven’t been following along then I’d strongly suggest you go back to my last two posts before you explore today’s post.

Today I want to talk about the process of going from relationship scarcity to relationship abundance. Let’s start with my definitions for both and see if we can find out where you might be on the relationship continuum.

Relationship scarcity – is when we think there is always a shortness of supply when it comes to our relationships. Not enough of them, not enough love being given, basically always in a state of never enoughness.

Relationship abundance – Always an overabundant amount of love which is overflowing from within oneself.

The process of getting from relationship scarcity to abundance is the meat and potatoes of my Awaken You coaching program. Going from a place of never enoughness to overflowing fullness. It’s going from a heart that is constantly being filled up from an outside vessel, yet always empty, to the place of complete heart healing that finds the heart always full.

The process is one of learning how to watch one’s mind, seeing what is going on in there, on default. Once we are able to see what we’ve been doing as habit, on autopilot, we can then learn how to manage and train it for complete success.

Complete relationship abundance.

Let me share six different ways to start the journey:

Learning how to use the thought model to look at what your current thoughts are producing for you.

This in of itself is a mind blowing, life changing, tool. Once you learn the concept of the thought model and practice using it you learn that all of your thoughts are 100% optional and not unchangeable facts. Through the model we have the ability to see how to change our current personal reality.

Learn how to take your power back by changing old belief systems.

You will start to see how you are giving away your power to others, both in our past and present lives. We learn the process of letting go of old stories and re-writing them in a way that serves us. We learn how to stop looking to our past for evidence of what we will produce in our future. We examine current belief systems and challenge them all.

Learn how to be self confident.

You stop being afraid and start experiencing all of the emotions that are available to us, especially those that keep us from showing up at our full capacity. You learn how to trust yourself and do what you tell yourself you’re going to do.

Dig into relationships that hurt.

You begin to discover the freedom that comes when you are able to release the pain and start moving towards neutrality and, if you choose, unconditional love.

Learn how to let go of self destructive behaviors.

Including over eating, over drinking, over spending, over exercising, people pleasing, over medicating, under performing, by learning how to fully experience what is happening for us instead of numbing out and avoiding.

Learn how to plan for success.

When you know how to manage your brain around time then we can start producing our dream life instead of just hoping.

Stepping into relationship abundance is like stepping through the veil of darkness into a world of utter blinding brightness. It’s a freedom hard to fully describe to the relationally scarce person, but most certainly worth the challenge.

Your life will never be the same once you’ve done this work.

Your taste of freedom, light and love will be a feeling you won’t want to ever let go of and I can’t wait to lead you there!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, fun and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Abundance

As promised this week I’m talking about the opposite of last week’s deep dive into relationship scarcity, which came out of thinking I was doing around the concept of love never enough-ness (that is a real word, right?) and our most intimate relationships. If you haven’t read that post yet, please go do that before you continue.

This week I’m marrying relationship with the opposite of scarcity – abundance – and taking a deep dive into what that can look like in your life, starting with individual definitions:

Relationship: our thoughts about someone.

Abundance: overflowing fullness – extremely plentiful or over sufficient quantity or supply.

Before I dig into the topic I’d like to share something I learned while thinking about these two relationship concepts. My mind truly wanted to be confused about relationship scarcity, it felt difficult to conceptualize, describe and explain, it felt very abstract and foreign.

This week when I went on a concept walk to think about relationship abundance and, though the weather was cold and cloudy, I felt bright, warm and full of capacity to understand.

This caught my attention, knowing that most of my life I have lived in relationship scarcity, always searching for love yet never truly feeling it. I thought love to be elusive. I thought it would be easy to explain, but I realized I was an expert from the inside, I lived it.

When we are in the middle of something for so long, it is our truth and we don’t even recognize it for the dysfunction it is. As my eyes were opened to my fixation on love and relationship dependence, I started to put all of the pieces together. The further we step away from our problems, the clearer our perspective is.

Relationship abundance is a new experience for me over the past three years. As I step into this abundance, it’s been all consuming for me because it feels OH SO MUCH BETTER than relationship scarcity! It feels so good that I am always in search of correcting any relationship scarcity thoughts I find myself thinking.

Relationship abundance is about having all of the love you need, always. You don’t ever fear not getting enough love from anyone, not your spouse, your friends, your mom, your dad, other family members, even your co-workers, regardless of how they treat you.

You always know how to generate the love you need, no matter the circumstance.

You know true love because it flows from within.

It doesn’t matter what other people say or how they act, you always believe in yourself. You know that someone else’s ability to love you, or inability to love you, is about their own ability to love, it has nothing to do with your lovability.

With that said, it doesn’t mean you won’t at times question yourself, or attempt to do things in an effort to get people to love you. The beautiful thing will be that as your love and respect for yourself deepens, the more you’ll recognize protective mechanisms you use to attract, or push away, other people, in the attempt to draw love in from outside of yourself.

Next week I will be digging into how to move from relationship scarcity to abundance, but today let’s look at a few ways to tell if you’re relationally abundant. Tell yourself the truth here because if you really desire happy, robust, bright relationships then lying to yourself will not get you there, it will just keep you in scarcity.

What relationship abundance looks like:

You show up as yourself – always.

You don’t hide because you don’t know how to act so that people will like you. You like you and that’s all that matters.

You don’t embellish the truth when talking to people in an effort to impress. You are 100% honest and proud of who you are.

You admit that you’re 100% human so when you do catch yourself masquerading, you become aware and have a heart to heart with yourself, see what’s going on and correct it.

You meet all sorts of new people.

Introvert or extrovert, it doesn’t matter. I used to use the excuse that I was an introvert, that’s why I didn’t like to meet people, but it was a lie to cover up my insecurity. I didn’t want people to judge me, or I would judge myself ahead of time and live small. Introverts come clean: you just are having thoughts like “This is scary.” “They might think I’m awkward.” “I don’t know what to say.”, these thoughts create a paralyzing fear that keeps you from going up and introducing yourself to people. Try carrying fear along with you and doing it anyway. It’s amazing the fun, interesting people you will meet when you take on courage and don’t be surprised when you notice it actually energizes you as well as begins to get easy. Just make sure you plan time alone to process and let go.

You let people be who they are.

You aren’t trying to control and change people so they conform to what you think you need. You don’t judge them as better or lesser than, just different. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to accept things you don’t like.

If you feel someone needs to be different you can certainly state your mind, always knowing they get to decide how they want to be in life.

You do your work around being responsible for your own feelings.

Ultimately, you get to chose how you want to feel. You do the work around relationships you choose to keep. Maybe it’s a spouse that you’ve grown apart from, or friends, family or co-workers. If you choose to stay in your marriage, which I hope you do, keep your job, see your friends and family then you always do your work around generating love – for you.

You don’t compromise.

You know what you believe and you don’t compromise those beliefs, ever.

Relationship abundance shows up in so many different ways and the more you practice it, the better it feels. It feels better than good, it feels right, like love is created to feel. We humans were designed with love, it’s inside of each of us. Once you actually find it, you’ll never want to let it go. You’ll yearn to do the work that generates the feeling of love from within, over and over, until it becomes who you are. Why? Because the feeling is so much more intense and beautiful than any form of false love generated from outside of you.

Love on sisters and don’t forget to check back next week when I talk about how to move from relationship scarcity to relationship abundance!

_______________________________________

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, fun and excitement you crave. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Scarcity

What is it? That’s what I’m digging into today and let’s start some definitions.

Relationship: our thoughts about someone

Scarcity: insufficiency or shortness of supply

When we marry these two words it set us up for relationships that are never enough. Relationship scarcity sets us up to never feeling great or all in with our relationships, even during times when things seem to be going really well, because, you know, we’re sure to lose it.

When I put these two words together it fully described how I used to think about most, maybe even all, of my relationships.

Relationship scarcity is the belief that there is never enough relationship love in your life.

You think your parents didn’t, maybe still don’t, give you enough love, so you can’t love them back.

Your friends just don’t quite measure up and you keep them at a distance.

You seek attention from people by conforming, or fitting in, fearing people won’t like you, yet you also fear commitment. Instead you put up your walls of protection.

Love relationships start out intense but sooner than later the excitement wears off. You end the relationship before they can to protect yourself from hurting.

Relationship scarcity comes when we expect others to supply us with love, often setting root early on in our lives. Possibly not receiving the love and nurturing you needed as a child which sent you looking for it elsewhere.

Now as adults we have the ability to change course and make our relationships work for us. Yes, it’s truly possible.

When we have a belief that our happiness is supplied by other people it puts the power of the relationship in their hands. When they aren’t doing or saying things that make us feel love or connection then love will always seem scarce.

Some examples of relationship scarcity:

  • Thinking that we don’t have many friends
  • Telling other people all about our other friends, even though we don’t really believe they are our friends.
  • Wanting friends so we look good.
  • Thinking we’re too busy for friends.
  • Complaining that they don’t do the right things so we can feel love.
  • There aren’t enough of the right type of people here for me to make friends.

I want to help you recognize your own relationship scarcity thoughts as well as give you some steps to start overcoming them.

  1. The first step is truly just becoming aware of your relationship scarcity thinking. Start paying attention to when you are doing things in an effort to try and make someone like you. If you complain about how they act after you took those actions, then it’s time to examine your motive behind your actions. Also, start becoming aware of who you are focusing on, are you really listening to them and hearing the positive, or the opposite? Are you desperate for their attention and if you don’t get it do you feel unloved?
  2. Take a look at your belief system. Your belief system is just thoughts you’ve repeated enough times that now they have become a belief. Do you have rules that you believe your friends need to follow in order to be true friends? Does your love for other people come with conditions? Do you have rules for how someone who loves you should act?
  3. Start questioning all of your beliefs. What if it didn’t matter how other people acted, that you could love them no matter what? Can you love people even when they don’t love you back? Do your relationships need to have any rules except that you love them unconditionally? Just question them, examine your answers, ask yourself why and then just make sure you love what you believe.
  4. Learn how to trust yourself. Scarcity comes from not trusting others, from the belief that others can hurt you. The truth is that other people can’t hurt you unless you let them through your thoughts. We can get to the place where we’re able to think such great thoughts about ourselves that it doesn’t matter what anyone else does, it doesn’t have to shake us. Even if they leave and never come back.
  5. Have your own back. This by far is the most important step to overcoming relationship scarcity. Building a trusting, loving relationship with yourself is the first step towards relationship abundance.

From this place you get to decide who you want to be spend time in relationship with. Because our relationships are all of our thoughts about someone, we get to decide what we want to think and how those thoughts serve us.

Relationship scarcity is real but it’s not something that you have to carry along with you. You get to choose whether you want to continue to get the relationship results you’ve been getting or if you want something better for your life. It is 100% possible to become the person who believes they were created for a loving relationship, to go find it, create it and forever live in relationship abundance.

Next week I’m going to explore relationship abundance and show you what life, love and relationship look like on the other side of possibility.

_______________________________________

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for people who want to discover their true self, discover the missing key, find their purpose and then start building a legacy from pure power. I have made it my mission to show you how.

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability before your subconscious primitive mind tells you to run and hide.

Please share this message with anyone who you think might benefit from hearing this it and join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!