Brain Flossing

Today I am kicking off a seven-part series where I take a deep dive into the individual parts of the tool I used to change my life. The thought model is a tool that simply helps us look at what is going on in our head and deciding if our thinking is serving the life we want to create. That’s it. It’s a straight forward concept but usually a bit abstract for most of us because it’s not something we’re ever taught growing up.

The thought download is simply the practice of sitting down with pen/pencil and paper to start transferring what’s going on in your head and putting it on the paper for you to see. I have developed a daily practice of doing thought downloads, very much like the daily practice I have of flossing my teeth. When I forget to do either of these two practices I feel dirty, unhealthy, and yearn to do as soon as I realize I missed my practice. Like any practice that you have done and now do it on daily, this too will take dedication to your mental wellness, and just like your health wellness it will become part of what you do to be your best self.

We call it a thought download because most of the sentences floating around in your head are just that: thoughts. As you do this work, you will discover that very few of the sentences you take out of your head and put on paper are actual facts.

What exactly are thoughts?

Thoughts are observations, opinions, ideas, judgments, reflection, contemplation, recollection, expectation, anticipation. All of these definitions of a thought help reinforce the truth that thoughts are not facts. They are sentences that we make-up or observe about the truth or reality, that is happening around us.

It is not a truth.

Next week we are going to dig deeper into thoughts vs facts but for today let’s just say that facts are not subjective or just existing in our mind. A fact actually exists and is real without any sort of description: actual words said, actual actions taken.

Let me share some examples:

Thoughts versus facts:

  • “My husband is funny” verses My husband said: “Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.”
  • “He drinks too much.” verses “He had two beers on Monday night.”
  • “My husband thinks I’m fat.” verses “My husband gave me a scale for Christmas.”

Most of us are completely unaware of our thoughts or the impact that they have on the results we are creating for ourselves in our life. Doing thought downloads helps us get off of autopilot and in control of our life and relationship destination. They help us move closer to the goals of the relationship we desire instead of driving us in the opposite direction. In our marriages, we often have many thoughts that we’ve repeated so often that we now believe them. We believe he is a poor communicator and that he always needs to be right without even taking a look at where those believes are taking us in our love relationship. Let me tell you, they are not getting us to love and blissful living!

Why write our thoughts down?

Writing our thoughts down is what creates awareness for us but it also cleans our brain out, just like flossing our teeth. If you have ever journaled you might think back and wonder why you enjoyed journaling or even the opposite, many people don’t enjoy journaling. Journaling feels good because we get what we are thinking out of our head, it gives us a moment of clarity, clear-mindedness even if you don’t do anything with the thoughts you’ve written down. Often when people don’t enjoy journaling it’s because they are afraid of looking at what is in their head, they have a thought that it will make it real, that it might somehow hurt them. The truth is though that they are only words and that’s why I tell you to write everything down when you start doing thought downloads. The most important thoughts to write down are the ones you don’t want to write. Sentences like “I hate them”, “He’s a jerk.”, “He eats like a pig.”, “He is so unloving and cold.” they are ALL thoughts and the fact that you are thinking them just means you’re a human. Once you learn the process of doing a thought model you will learn how to look at those thoughts and decide where they are coming from, what they are creating for you and decide if you want to change them. Also, I believe there is often fear that your partner might find your thought download and that you have the ability to hurt them. One, you don’t have the ability to hurt them and two, you can throw your thought download away if it makes you feel better.

The difference between journaling and a thought download is that a thought download doesn’t need to tell any story or be logical. It is just a list of sentences that you are thinking and possibly a few thoughts. Think junk drawer, opening it, taking everything out and seeing everything for what it is, no judgment about why it’s in there.

What do you do with these thoughts?

The answer to that question is why I created this series, I’m going to break it all down for you over the next seven weeks. Until then it’s just the process of cleaning them out of your head and taking a look at them, just like the first step of cleaning out the junk drawer. You will start evaluating what you took out of your head and decide which ones you like and want to keep. What you won’t do right now, or ever, is judge them as bad, they just are. This is an exercise to learn and grow, not an exercise to beat yourself up in an attempt to quickly change to something you might not be ready to change to. It’s like eating all of the pie and then beating yourself up, it gets you nowhere except quicker to the next binge instead of learning something from the experience.

Thoughts are our emotion generators. Whenever we are feeling a certain emotion a thought is drawing it. A negative or bad emotion comes from a thought we’re thinking and the same with a positive, or good thought.

As you go with me through this series I want to encourage you to play along and see what thoughts you are creating on a day to day basis. I want to encourage you to take 10 minutes every day to do a thought download, that’s all it takes. You can do it early in the morning before you start your day, my suggestion, or over your lunch or in the evening. I often do them multiple times a day if I find myself getting stuck in some sort of mind drama and unable to move forward in my day, it’s great medicine.

By the end of this series, you’ll have awareness of how your thoughts are creating the life you are currently living, the marriage you are currently living, as well as how to start changing them so you can create the life you dream of living. Just start this week, every day, doing a thought download, see what you have stored up in your head, no judgments. If you want my Relationship Thought Download worksheet to help you with this work then just click on the link and grab your copy! Next week I’ll teach you how to keep the thoughts you want and let go of the ones you don’t want.

Thoughts drive everything we do, they are so very important! Starting to pay attention and create awareness will help you begin the process of changing them. We can’t change what we don’t see as a problem!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection, and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Practicing Vulnerability

Vulnerability is a moment in time when you let your walls down. It’s exposing our raw, unprotected self for others to see, leaving us open for critique, judgment and emotional harm. I’ve often compared it to standing out in the middle of the street bare naked. Sounds painful but I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be and I’ve learned that it can be painful but that it’s only temporary and always worth it.

The truth is, I’m not really interested in standing naked in the middle of the street. I don’t see the value, but when I see I’m not taking action on something that will move me forward I seem to visualize this scenario. Then I like to think about the result I would have I took this action I’m dreading. This allows me to embrace that feeling, remind myself that a feeling never killed anyone, remind myself of how awesome it will feel having the result and I dive in, head first. Sometimes the result is different than I anticipated but I always grow from the experience because it opens doors that I wouldn’t have known were there if I stayed stuck in fear.

Unwillingness to open up and expose your inner self – your true self – you in your full truth – is what keeps our marriages from connecting on a deep level.

As humans, we have an innate desire for connection, we are biologically wired for it. According to vulnerability expert, Brene Brown, it’s why we are here, it gives us purpose and adds meaning to our lives.

When we expose our fragile, tender inner selves, expose our hurts, our physical and emotional soft spots, it feels uncomfortable and dangerous. It’s even possible that we’ve experimented with being open and honest about ourselves but were completely unprepared for how another person might react. We possibly made their reaction mean something about who we are as a human thus making us less willing to do it again. This is where shame comes in. Shame really comes from the fear of being disconnected, that if we expose our inner self people might think we are somehow less than, flawed, unworthy of connection. When we build up our self confidence and practice vulnerability we get to let go of shame, knowing that connection is created from within ourselves, nothing outside of us creates our connection with someone else.

Vulnerability includes not pretending, not attempting to manipulate how someone views us. There is no game playing, no trying to be better than, no falseness. When we are most vulnerable we are at our most raw, true selves – no lying, no pretending, no faking, no game playing, manipulating or one upping.

So exactly how do we start becoming vulnerable, maybe even for the very first time? Maybe after trying but deciding it was too painful, deciding what someone else did in response to our vulnerability was painful enough that we’ll never open up again. What I want to do today is help you understand that the process of you opening up is all about you and your growth. I want to help teach you that someone else’s response to your vulnerability is their business and has absolutely nothing to do with you and your value.

Let’s look at five steps you can take to become more vulnerable so that you can open up to creating a more deep and intimate marriage:

Learn how to feel an emotion.

The process is simple yet deliberate, and often abstract for the beginner but one of the best things I have learned how to do in order to get out of a negative thought space. You have to take the time to do the work of allowing the emotion to run its course. You have to pause and be willing to feel the emotion you are experiencing so you can start recognizing it when it comes again.

A feeling is just a vibration in your body, a chemical response to something you are thinking. That’s all. I have taught here that all thoughts are optional so when you recognize the feeling or vibration in your body, you can then start searching for the thought causing it. You might think that their reaction means you’re unworthy, which could create a feeling of shame. When you recognize that it’s an optional thought you can start to explore the thought that their reaction has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

Build up your self confidence.

Self confidence is something you build by doing things that feel uncomfortable and not attaching any meaning about yourself to the outcome. It’s being willing to experience any emotion while moving forward with your relationship goals.

It’s different from confidence in that confidence is developed when you repeat something over and over. You become good at the thing because of the number of times you’ve taken action and now have confidence in being able to take the action again. Self confidence is doing something without knowing how and being willing to fail.

Self confidence is when you have your own back. You know you can do something and the result has nothing to do with who you are as a human being. Embarrassment, humiliation, rejection are all just temporary emotions that you feel, move through and move on, learning in the process.

Practice small steps of vulnerability.

Begin practicing with close friends, people who are open and vulnerable with you, and start small. Plan ahead of time what you will share and how you might comfortably weave it into the conversation. It might be as simple as being open and honest instead of embellishing or glamorizing your stories. Think about it like a dare to yourself, imagine feeling self confident, taking the action of opening up and not making the other person’s words or reactions not mean anything about you as a person. What if they never wanted to talk to you again? Would you make that mean that you’re unlovable? Remember, self confidence says you are fully lovable and worthy, no matter what another person thinks or does.

Maybe it’s even as simple as making a decision about date night. Maybe you always let him make the final decision because you’re afraid to commit to what you want to do. This small step of vulnerability would look like you deciding on purpose and sticking to it. What might you make it mean if he says he doesn’t like your idea? Watch what happens for you, maybe you give in and just do what he wants, telling yourself the story that you don’t really care anyway. Be curious. Be honest. Be you.

Let people be who they are.

Other people rejecting you or shaming you by trying to make you feel less connected, doesn’t change your worthiness. Learning how to feel what happens inside of you when people reject you takes lots of practice but it’s a skill that will build your armor of protection. This armor of protection is not to keep people from seeing in, from seeing your truth, it’s your self confidence shield that keeps you being all in on you.

The other view I’d like you to contemplate is who is shaming who? Are you making their response mean that they are telling you your opinion doesn’t matter? What if they are just being truthful, expressing their opinion and you’re just making it mean something different. This is where flavor and spice come into our relationships. If you’re always doing what others want to do then you’re not bringing your own flavor into the mix. I call that unfair to your relationship and to you! I say shake yourself all over and see what new recipe you come up with, who knows, your partner might even like this new flavor!

Find an accountability partner, a mentor or hire a professional.

Someone who’s done their own work of building their self confidence. Someone who has put themselves out into the world to help others can be a beautiful way to begin opening up with zero judgement. They’re all in on you and helping you become your true authentic self because they’ve done the work themselves and know the freedom that comes from it.

Hiding your true authentic self keeps us from blooming into our most beautifully created self. It limits us. Today you can shed that shell and start growing into someone who is solid in who she is and willing to put it out there, willing to shake her spice all over the world. This is the person your husband married, he married you and when he sees the raw, true you, he’s going to fall even deeper in love. He’s going to want more of your favorite dish served up on a daily menu plan!

Once you start exposing your inner spice, that’s when you open up to the love relationship of your dreams. Give this work a try and let me know how it goes, let me know what you’re struggling with so you can come closer to Awakening(YourTrue)You. If you think working together might be the next step you’d like to take, let’s talk about it. Scheduling a consult call will help you really decide if working with a coach is in your future and if it’s not, that’s ok because the conversation will be fun!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Love Without Conditions

The dictionary definition of unconditional love is affection without any limitation or love without conditions.

This concept is something many of us struggle with. We think love is something we do for someone else. We think what someone does for us is love. Most of us have it wrong, we’ve been taught wrong. When we’re able to go from conceptual understanding to implementation of love without any limitations you’ll begin to understand the beauty of unconditional love.

Love by far, is the emotion that feels best, better than any other emotion. Think of memories that you have that feel amazing, past events that you LOVE visiting, those memories feel best because we’re remembering the emotion of love. We are feeling it again, in the present, by thinking of something, or someone, in our past and those thoughts are re-generating the feeling of love for us.

In our marriage, all we really want to feel is love.

I remember when the concept of love always being available in my marriage actually clicked for me. My coach had offered it up to me and that day I actually felt it could be true. This was definitely not the first time the concept had been presented to me, it was simply the first time I actually felt a flicker of possibility, of truth in that belief.

This was a magnificent moment for me. So beautiful that I wanted it more. Wanting it more allowed me to be more curious about when the feeling of love disappeared. It allowed me to more clearly see why I was allowing it to leave and to play with the idea of also being able to feel love in the same moment.

Before the concept of love without conditions became a reality for me in my marriage I had spent months doing working on the concept. I had some deeply seated beliefs that other people’s actions, inactions or words dictated whether I could feel love or not. To be able to shift from constantly being at the effect of other people to actually implementing personal control over how I felt was the shift that changed my life, forever. A shift I’ll never forget because the feeling of love is like an explosion of bright, open yumminess like no other!

Let’s take a look at some truths about unconditional love:

Unconditional love starts with you. The first person you need to learn how to love without conditions is yourself. When we are searching for our husbands to validate us in order to feel loved, we will never be able to freely give enduring, overflowing, unconditional love. Our ability to fully love someone else, without conditions, requires that we first understand that love. That understanding comes when we are able to express it for and within ourselves.

Loving someone unconditionally does not mean you have to accept how they treat, or have treated you, as being ok. You can love someone, even possibly sympathize with what may be happening, or has happened for them to take actions that hurt, but still choose to believe what they did was wrong. You still might choose to put boundaries on the relationship to protect yourself. Never seeing them, or talking to them, might be a choice you make while still loving them.

Choosing not to love someone ahead of time in order to keep yourself from getting hurt in the future, only hurts you ahead of time. Allow yourself to love fully, in the present moment, so that you can feel love now. If hurt or pain is to come in the future then feel it when it comes, there is no need to ruin your present to protect yourself from a possible bad outcome. I love thinking about training the brain to think about your future self as always winning. This allows us to live for a positive outcome now, to feel the emotion of creating that outcome. When the true outcome arrives, that’s when we can experience whatever emotion it brings to us.

Choosing love when it seems difficult or vulnerable, will allow you to take actions that will move you forward. Choosing love will keep you taking action from your higher self and keep you from taking action from an emotion that creates a result you may regret.

If you’re not feeling love then ask yourself why. Be honest. Don’t blame someone else for you not feeling love. Your feelings come from your thinking about what someone is doing. Own your feelings and then ask yourself if you like the reasons for your feeling.

Here is a fun and interesting exercise for you to try.

  • Ask yourself why you are choosing not to love.
  • Ask why you are choosing not to feel love.
  • List all of the conditions you are putting on loving and feeling love.
  • List the things you want them to do so you can feel love.
  • Ask yourself if you can do these things for yourself.
  • Now, close your eyes and imagine what it would be like to just feel love, all of the time, regardless of their actions. What would that feel like? Really sit in love and describe that love, embody that love.

This is true, real magic. From a place of love, you will show up differently and still be able to make choices that keep you in integrity with yourself and who you want to be. You’ll be able to follow through with what you will and won’t accept. Learning how to embrace the concept of love without conditions so you can start feeling love in your most intimate relationship is what we do in AwakenYou, my one on one coaching program. Taking this work deeper is exactly what we do so that you can start looking forward to going home to your husband with pure excitement and unconditional love! Want to try some work on your own? GREAT idea! I have the perfect free mini course for you, click here to get started now!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

How Long To Heal

So many people ask me how long it will take to heal their marriage and my quick answer is tough for most to swallow.

When we’re thinking that our marriage is broken, that it needs to heal, it’s really just our thoughts about our marriage, not the facts. We might have all sorts of, what I call evidence, to prove that it’s broken, but it all just comes down to how you’re thinking about it.

With that said, it could literally take a moment to decide, and believe, that your marriage is healed. This literally could be the end of this post, yet it is a bit more complicated than that, so let’s take a look.

Once you’ve decided that your marriage isn’t what you want it to be you may be thinking that it’s broken, unfixable, boring, disconnected or any combination of these and more. You have evidence like:

  • He never tells me he loves me
  • We never have meaningful conversations
  • We’re not having sex
  • He spends his free time with his friends instead of me

Yet these are strictly thoughts you are having, none of these are factual, even the one about sex. “We’re not having sex” is just a thought, even if you got factual, like it’s been 75 days since you had sex, how does that equate to a broken marriage?

Trust me, I completely understand and I’m here to listen to your story, but in the end, the truth is that you could be thinking something completely different and doing something completely different about the facts in your marriage. You could choose to believe that your relationship is exactly the way it ought to be, because it is.

Let me guess that you might even have days when you think something different, days when you think there’s hope. Days when you think:

  • He does a great job taking care of our family
  • That was a good night
  • He loves me in his own silly way
  • He choses me over someone else

With all of that said, the process of changing belief systems and habits takes time and persistence. Let’s compare it to a weight loss goal. Let’s say you’re on a food restriction diet to get to a goal weight. You achieve the goal weight but return back to old thought patterning around food so you gain your weight back. The goal of getting to your natural bodyweight, forever, will take more time that you think. You will be changing years of eating, body and food thought patterning. The process includes learning how to love yourself, envisioning your future self, learning why you eat foods you don’t want to eat at times you told yourself you wouldn’t eat them. Your mind will actually learn how to get there before your body.

It’s the same with relationship goals. You can start today thinking it’s fixed and choosing to believe in love. That might stick for a moment but you still have your old brain, your old beliefs that are going to tell you that you’re a fool for thinking that it’s fixed. You will have to do daily work to step towards the permanent changes you desire. These are all steps of changing you by changing your mind.

You will work on:

  • Changing belief patterning
  • Feeling and owning your feelings
  • Re-learning how to love your partner, exactly the way they are, unconditionally
  • Building self confidence
  • Learning how to create the connection you want
  • Letting go of your past
  • Creating a strong commitment to getting what you want

All of this work takes time. Time that is so worth the effort put in. As you do this work you will notice the evidence you once used against your marriage is now being used for growth and change in your marriage relationship.

I have a question for you: If you knew your future held the marriage of your dreams to the man you are now married to, would the work be worth it? My guess is your answer would be yes. My answer was yes and it has been some of the best work I have ever done in my life.

If your answer is yes, then does it matter how long it takes to get the result you want? You could believe every day you are one day closer to the marriage of your dreams. You could believe that every day is a new, exciting version of your best life together. What if you believed that once you reach that dream that you could keep doing this work and continue on into even more intimate bliss?

Would it matter if it took 1 day, 1 year, 5 years or 10? Is there a time limit to creating the love life of your dreams with your husband? You could make it mean it’s too much work or you could make it mean that it will be so very worth it. You get to decide what’s harder: slow, steady improvement, feeling better, becoming resilient, persevering or giving up, feeling awful and never feeling the love you want to feel.

The process of truly believing takes time, we want evidence that it’s working yet we are the ones who determine whether our “evidence” is for us or against us. Healing is a process of believing you’re healed and the process of truly believing, down to your core, takes time. Our minds want evidence that what we’re doing is working, but we get to decide what the evidence means.

We can make it mean that every day our love relationship is beautiful and moving forward, the good with the bad. We can also make it mean that it’s headed for disaster and will never be what we dreamt it to be.

The choice is 100% yours. I believe in you and your marriage but mostly I believe in you. You are the one who has complete control over how you feel in your love relationship, I want you to feel this magic and that’s why I love helping women “heal” their marriages.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

MyΒ Awaken(TheTrue)YouΒ program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. EitherΒ book your call nowΒ orΒ send me an emailΒ with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join myΒ mailing listΒ where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Bring Sexy Back

Keeping your marriage thriving will require you to be intentional about nurturing and caring for your relationship. Often times the inner workings of what keeps a relationship healthy get set aside once a commitment is established. Unknowingly we prioritize other important aspects of our lives at this point, thinking something like that love song, “love will keep us together”. It often starts with our careers, our children, then we have our hobbies and outside friendships, church commitments and then years down the road we discover our relationship has “lost its sexy”.

I like to compare relationships to a life long project that we continually evaluate, decide on purpose what is working, what isn’t working and what we might do differently to get to our desired end goal. Compare it maybe to launching a business. We wouldn’t get licensed, register with the government, open our checking account, write our mission statement and then go on to other life goals hoping to come back every night with money in our bank account.

Whether you are just starting the journey with your love relationship and still madly in love, or you’re feeling like your marriage life is more like roommates with benefits. This post will help you be deliberate with what you want to create moving forward. If you’re still madly in love, it will teach you to prioritize your love relationship. If you’re feeling more like roommates with your spouse it will help you start moving towards where you want to be.

If you’re in the later scenario, thinking about bringing sexy back into your relationship might sound like some Disney fairy tale that you’ve resolved to believe is pure fantasy. Not knowing how to bring the sexy back is not the problem, the problem is getting over the uncomfortable feelings it might take to do the work of making fantasy your reality. The problem will be getting over your belief that you’re just roommates, that the flame has died, that there isn’t any hope so settling is good enough.

I believe your sexy is important, and however that looks for you, let’s start the process of bringing it back into your marriage!

First you have to desire to bring intimacy back into your relationship.

Having the desire to bring intimacy back means you care. Having the desire means you’re willing to come up with strategies to overcome the obstacles that are in the way of you having the intimate relationship you desire. Let’s look the definition of intimacy.

Intimacy: a close, familiar and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person.

So now that we know what intimacy means, I want you to ask yourself why you want a more intimate relationship? An excellent compelling reason to do this work is vital to creating your ideal marriage relationship, so get some paper, pen and start writing.

As you write, notice what your reasons are. Are you wanting more intimacy in your marriage for reasons that feel good to you or do you think more intimacy will make your husband love you more? Remember that we cannot control other people and how they feel, so as your write your list make sure they are all reasons that make you feel good.

Go back and look through your list and cross off any reasons that you can’t control:

  • The ones you can control are the thoughts in your own head like being able to express love in ways that are important to you, make you feel love. A reason could be just because you want to feel love and stop feeling empty.
  • The reasons you can’t control are ones that dictate how he acts or treats you so that you can feel good. You can’t control what he thinks about you taking massive action towards your intimacy goals and you can’t control what he does, or doesn’t, do.

Second, decide on purpose what you want “sexy” to look like for you.

Be very specific and make sure they are all actions that you create for yourself. This is going to require you to come up with another list.

They might look like:

  • dressing in a way that feels good to you
  • acting in ways that feel like love for you
  • losing that last 10 pounds
  • creating conversations that stimulate interest and deep thinking
  • planning long hand in hand walks through the woods
  • warm and embracing hugs

Third is your action plan for achieving the intimacy you desire.

Now take a look at your lists, what is coming up for you? Maybe it all looks like that Disney movie we discussed earlier and you feel very uncomfortable even thinking about doing some of the actions on your list. Totally ok. Start with the easy ones like how you take care of yourself, things you can do all by yourself to improve how you feel about yourself. Then move on to the less uncomfortable ones like sending him a friendly text during the work day or leaving a love note in his lunch bag. Make all of these less uncomfortable ones completely comfortable while you work on strategies to start implementing the more uncomfortable actions.

Creating your dream marriage is like any other goal you want to succeed at. You wouldn’t go about losing 50 pounds by writing up a plan, thinking about it but never taking the bold steps of learning how to allow the emotion of wanting to eat food that’s not on your plan. So while you are taking the smaller, easier steps, start thinking about how you might implement some of the less comfortable steps. As you make the easier steps more consistent, you’ll notice how good they feel, this will make you curious about how the success of the bigger actions will feel (much better I promise).

Start writing down all of the things that are in the way of you taking the actions you dream of taking. Most of obstacles are your feelings of fear and discomfort. Think about what you could do to make the action easier. Let’s look at your desire to hold hands during that walk through the woods. Before you tackle all of your thoughts and emotions around the action of holding hands, you’ll have to actually plan the walk, when will it be, where will you go, what else might you do on that trip? Plan the whole experience, start visualizing it and think about how you want to feel during that special time you’re creating.

The fourth step is to start building your self confidence.

Building self confidence is one of my favorite things to do. Building self confidence means practicing things that feel uncomfortable and learning to make the outcome not mean anything about who you are as a human. Self confidence comes from being able to experience any emotion and come out on the other side stronger.

Here is an exercise for you to try around the hand holding example that will help you build self confidence. Maybe you have a thought something like “we haven’t done this in years”, which makes you feel awkward. When we’re feeling awkward we will avoid taking the action of holding hands, getting us the result of not holding your spouses hand for even longer.

Now think about the walk while feeling self confident, what would you do? You would hold his hand, feel the emotion of awkward, your hand might sweat a bit while thinking something like “I want this in my marriage.” Giving you the result of doing what you want to do. This will give you the result of getting your sexy back. The feeling you have after will be one of elation, pure glory and joy for what you created. One time won’t be enough to make it a habit but you did it and you built up some self confidence. It will encourage you to plan another event where you hold his hand, you will still have to be deliberate until this new hand holding thing becomes normal, but that’s ok, you did it!

Now apply this technique to something else on your list. The more uncomfortable things you make yourself do the easier they will become, the more self confidence you will develop. I have a free worksheet available to help you through this self confidence exercise, reach out to me if you’re interested in using it, I’d love to share it with you.

Having your solid compelling reason of wanting your dream love relationship will keep you taking one step forward at a time. Don’t worry about how it looks, look at how it’s making you feel. Keep taking massive action every single day towards bringing your sexy back, keep creating, planning, evaluating, learning and believing in yourself and your dream. Soon enough, you will be living the life you had only previously been dreaming of.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

50/50 In Marriage

Maybe not what you want to hear on a Friday as you head into your weekend, but picture the following. We have this idea that every day in our love relationship should be like a dozen freshly picked roses, hand delivered to us by our spouses, on a white horse and then sweeping us off into a beautiful ride through the rolling grass fields. Now, you can finish this fantasy off exactly how you’d like it to end. You can even arrange to have it be fulfilled if you so choose, yet somewhere in the story there will be something that happens to sens you over to the other 50. The other 50 being you thinking something that has gone wrong.

It’s life my friends and I want to grant you full permission to having, and admitting to having, negative emotion in your marriage. It’s healthy in your relationship and it’s part of our human experience, it’s all about what you make the negative emotion mean. Today I’m going to show you how to break down the barriers of negative emotion.

The road to happiness in your marriage is the incredible joy you will feel as you work towards your dream relationship by overcoming obstacles along the way. Happiness is NOT the absence of negative emotion that we see played out on Instagram or on the big screen.

Reality is that as you work on creating the marriage of your dreams, you will not feel 100% positive all of the time. Some of the time it’s going to be hard, really hard, and very uncomfortable. Blasting through obstacles on the way to any goal is uncomfortable, don’t expect it to be any different with your relationship goals. Actually, plan on it being even more difficult and uncomfortable.

Honestly, the more alive your marriage, the more negative emotion you’re going to need to experience to get there. You might want to write that down and keep it as a screen saver as a constant reminder, let’s talk about about negative emotion!

So, what exactly is negative emotion?

Emotion is a vibration experienced inside your body. It is a biological state associated with your nervous system which is brought on by neurophysiological changes associated with your thoughts. You think a thought, your brain fires off some neurological responses which send a chemical cocktail into your body creating the emotion (vibration in your body) that thought generates. So in a nutshell, your emotion is all yours. The words your spouse speaks, or the true actions they take, do not cause your emotion. You do, with how you think.

Negative emotion does not need to mean that something has gone wrong. It might mean that something has gone terribly right, telling you it’s time to dig deep and to become conscious.

Contrast of emotions, contrast in the world.

I love to think of contrast as the spice in our life, and in our marriage. It’s what brings flavor into our lives. If we didn’t feel sadness, we wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate ecstasy. If we have never felt doubt then we wouldn’t be able to sink into faith. What about the stability we feel when we find our control after a period of feeling out of control? Without feeling deep shame we could never know what true compassion looks like.

In our marriages, I think this is a most beautiful thing. When we decide we’re tired of just accepting mediocracy and that it’s time to dig into creating a marriage that is on fire, we will experience this concept of contrast. We will feel vulnerable as we work through the process but come out feeling invincible, unshakeable and completely alive!

Resistance to negative emotion.

Resistance to negative emotion is simply our inability, or unwillingness, to accept the contrast. Resistance is our desire to make contrast and the beauty of it, untrue. Resistance will deny our experience of being alive. We are spending so much of our time running away from ourselves, and our true intimate love relationship, by becoming numb. We miss out on the experience of experiencing ourselves and what it’s like to be alive in this life.

What might you be doing in your relationship to resist the negative emotion? How are you relationship distracting (go read last week’s post)? Maybe you’re spending more time away from your loved one, maybe you’re over eating or over drinking, over working, over Netflixing? What numbing/escaping experience are you creating in your life to avoid and miss out on the true experience of the emotion?

Please hear me when I tell you that the way to enjoy your life, your marriage, is to not push negative emotion away, but the opposite. Enjoying your life by opening up and diving into the negative and fully experiencing what is happening so you can learn, grow and fully appreciate the other side (contrast).

Allowing and Feeling Negative Emotions

1. Learn how to feel your emotions

This is an exercise that takes practice, patience and consistency, sort of like training a muscle. You don’t do it once and expect to be the Ms. Olympia of emotional balance.

Take 10 minutes per day to sit and allow yourself to feel the negative emotion you are feeling. Take time to describe it, write it down, see it for what it is, notice how long the feeling actually lasts before it goes away.

What we discover is that we’ve been resisting emotions for so long that we don’t even know what it’s like to experience one. All we know is how to resist and avoid through buffering.

Feeling and allowing your emotions are different from reacting to them. Lashing out, snarling and being in a bad mood is happening because we’re trying so hard to keep the negative emotion at bay. There is the strength that we put into resisting and that’s what’s coming out of us, that is what we’re reacting to.

2. Get in the habit of writing thought downloads

A thought download is when you write down all of your thoughts. You get them out of your brain and onto a piece of paper, sort of like cleaning out that messy closet. You take EVERYTHING out, especially the ugly ones. Then you process what’s in your head, not judging it as something that shouldn’t be happening. You own it, you experience it, you process it so you can understand it and then let it go.

When we realize that marriage is going to be half negative emotion and half positive emotion, we realize that we will feel an incredible amount of love as well as an incredible amount of pain. That’s when we accept the negative as a part of our marriage, a part of our human experience, a part of the journey. We don’t resist it, we expect it and we work through it because what’s on the other side is so worth it.

The more alive your marriage, the more negative emotion you’re going to experience on the road to getting there. I even created a screen saver for you to download!

Learning how to experience this 50/50 before you enter your marriage relationship is definitely worth it. Starting wherever you are in your relationship is work worth doing for both you and your marriage relationship. This work will teach you how to become aware and process through the negative instead of ignoring it, pretending it’s not there, trying to be happy all of the time. Being happy all of the time is boring, it means you’re not fully experiencing your emotions and that means you’ll never experience true ecstasy in your marriage relationship or your life.

Learning how to feel your emotions means you’ll learn what true ecstasy feels like, now that’s some work worth doing!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Relationship Distraction

Here I am again, marrying another word with relationship, so what exactly am I meaning by putting these two words together?

Let’s start again with my definition of relationship: your thoughts about someone.

Distraction being something that divides attention or prevents you from concentration.

When you put them together, relationship distractions are what keep us from what is hurting in our relationships. Basically, relationship distraction is a form of buffering, which is anything we put between ourselves and something we don’t want to deal with. As always, you can apply the following information to any relationship where you are avoiding, instead of being honest and working through to find solutions to the problem. After I discovered this in my relationship with my husband, I started to see the same behaviors with other people in my life. Notice how you might be pushing people away instead of dealing with the problem at hand, maybe it’s someone on your team at work or your boss or maybe even your girlfriend.

Ignoring the problem, distracting yourself from the problem, won’t make the problem go away, it just continues to agitate you under the surface.

Let’s look at some different relationship distraction techniques:

  • Scheduling activities with other people to escape, or avoid, spending time with your spouse. Doing outside activities separate from your spouse is important and recommended but not if it is distracting you from intentional time together.
  • During your time together you don’t dedicate time to chat/discuss/laugh and work on your relationship, instead you each do your own thing.
  • You don’t schedule activities together.
  • You find yourself avoiding connecting or blaming the other partner for not being a good connector/communicator.
  • Looking for excitement or fun experiences outside of your relationship because you’re bored. Yes, exiting and fun experiences separate from your spouse is highly recommended. Your spouse might not be interested in the same things you are, just make sure you’re also planning fun experiences with them as well.
  • Indulging in any of the other buffers I have discussed in other posts: over drinking, over eating, over spending, over social media-ing, over Netflixing, pornography, gambling. These buffers keep us busy doing something else instead of creating a more intimate relationship.
  • Spending more time at the office to avoid interacting with your spouse. It’s easy to do, you know, there’s just so much work to do and those bills, they have to get paid! Really consider whether you could actually get all of the work you’re telling yourself you have to do AND get home with time to spend with your spouse.

Answering yes to any of these might mean you are looking to distract yourself from what you are describing as a unsatisfactory relationship and often times we don’t even recognize the symptoms.

So if you suspect that you might be unintentionally, or intentionally, distracting yourself from your loved one the let’s look at three steps you can take to regain relationship focus.

  1. Awareness is always step one. The simple step of recognizing what we are doing helps us to step back and question what is going on for us. Awareness allows us to look at our actions and be truthful about what is driving us to take them. It allows us to short circuit the thoughts and feelings that are driving us to take the actions we are currently taking.
  2. The next step is to question your actions, or inactions. If you’ve realized that you have been excluding activities that you enjoy, to spend time with your spouse, then that is a great realization! Realizing that your partner can’t fill all of your connection needs is necessary, for both of you. Just make sure you’re doing activities for your enjoyment and not to avoid time with him or in an to attempt to make him jealous or to “get back at him”. Love your outside social activities and be all in with them as well as being intentional about your time with your spouse.
  3. You will have to become intentional and honest about why you are buffering and then start looking at ways to change course. This will mean asking yourself some hard questions about why you are avoiding, answering them honestly and then planning your intentional path forward.

Relationships are a partnership. You don’t want to expect that they will just keep moving forward the way you want without putting any effort into where you want it to go. We have to pause and re-evaluate our relationships to see what is working, what isn’t working and then decide what you want to do differently. Don’t become complacent in your relationships, seek the root of the problem and then be intentional with creating what you want.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

No More Silent Treatment

Silent treatment is what I would call wordless punishment or quiet aggression, where we are attempting to demonstrate how awful the other person is, of course in an effort to prove our superiority. It might look like us excluding or ignoring someone in an effort to punish or manipulate them.

Interestingly enough, silent treatment might not seem on the outside like physical punishment, yet the brain’s interpretation of silent treatment is incredibly similar.

It may also look like one person trying to communicate and the other responding with silence or emotional distance often ending with each partner often blaming the other for how they are feeling and ultimately, how they are acting.

Silent treatment is not to be confused with taking intentional time to withdraw, reflect and process what is going on for yourself. This use of time would be communicated from a place of love and compassion of self, not from a negative place.

So the question I want to dig into today is why do we use the silent treatment tactic and how do we stop this destructive behavior?

Let me start by being 100% vulnerable in disclosing that I used to be a silent treatment abuser. I often forget about this tactic until I see it being used by others or when it comes up in a coaching session. When I look back at my use of the tactic, along with the process of letting it go, I can clearly see some of the facts for me:

  • Silent treatment was a learned behavior
  • It allowed me to feel like I was controlling the situation, though in reality the opposite was true
  • It kept me feeling protected
  • It kept me from being vulnerable and honest
  • It kept me from really looking into what was bothering me and learning how to express that
  • It limited me from learning how to problem solve
  • It allowed me to avoid and resist emotion which kept me from evolving/growing/learning how to love

Mostly I thought it was a way to protect myself.

Let’s start with looking at the possibility of your behavior being a modeled behavior. It’s quite possible that someone in your formative years taught you this behavior and though you didn’t appreciate being the recipient of the behavior, you now find yourself doing exactly what you said you’d never do. If this is the case it will never be constructive for you to blame that person, which will only have you falling back into more actions you don’t want to take. We can acknowledge, use it as data and start the process of unlearning the behavior so you can treat yourself the way you desire, such beautiful news.

Awareness is the first step to change.

It’s also possible that silent treatment seems to have worked for you as a form of protection and a way to get out of confrontation, leading you to use it over and over. Now you’ve created a habit of how to deal with difficult situations that gets you nowhere, never really dealing with the situation. Instead you just add to the pile of unresolved conflict in your mental storehouse.

Here are four steps to stop using the silent treatment as a way to cope with conflict and learn how to become more effective in your love relationships:

Start observing your behavior.

This will start with you assessing what happened after you have fallen into the silent treatment pit. The great thing here is that you have time because you’ve chosen not to talk, so grab a pencil and notebook, go to a room by yourself, shut the door and start processing by asking yourself a few questions:

  1. What exactly was happening before you decided to use the silent treatment as a way to cope? List all of the facts: what exactly was being said by whom, what time was it, what was happening before the situation. Remember that facts have no drama or emotion, they are exact words spoken, exact actions taken, no adverbs or adjectives.
  2. What emotion was coming up for you? If you can’t name the emotion then close your eyes and feel what vibrations are going on in your body, describe them in detail.
  3. Why do you think you were feeling this way? Write down all of the reasons.
  4. What might you have been thinking during this time?
  5. What actions did you actually take and why? What words did you speak? What did you do or what didn’t you do?
  6. Write it all out in your notebook, write down the truth of what is going on in your brain, even the ugly. When you’re done you can shred it.
  7. What result are you getting from all of the actions you are taking? Write down all of YOUR results as you see them.

All of this is increasing your own awareness of what is happening for you and why, all in an effort to learn, grow and overcome. DO NOT allow yourself to answer with “I don’t know.”, guess if you have to, ask yourself this powerful question: “If I did know the answer, what would it be?” This exercise is not about looking at the other person and why they are causing your state of mind, though you can certainly write that down because it will create more awareness for you, but it is never true. Other people do not create our state of mind, don’t make them that powerful, we do.

How do you want to behave?

After you do the above practice start asking yourself how you want to show up and why. Chances are that you won’t be able to play out your desired scenario in real life yet, this is part of the practice, but know that creating the scenario of how you want to show up in real time will take patience, practice and a lot of vulnerability. Start with one step at a time, by doing this work, and know that you are moving forward. Right now it’s important for you to have a vision of how you actually deal with conflict.

With consistency, you will start to see what is happening in the middle of it, possibly even starting to withdraw from a place of introspection instead of manipulation. Once you start to get to this point it will be good to express to your partner what is happening for you and that you need some time to process. Then go to a quiet space and work through the above questions again, at this point you might even be able to start creating unintentional models of what is happening for you.

Start seeing the scenario unfold in front of you.

The third phase allows you to start watching what happens for you from a place of curiosity. You get to start really seeing your unintentional models and start taking steps towards your ideal intentional models by playing around with some intentional thoughts. These intentional thoughts will create emotions that allow you to start changing old behavioral patterning.

I describe this phase as being in the middle of the river of misery. There will be times when you are feeling amazing with the progress you are seeing, but then there will be times where you unintentionally fall back into old patterning. Sort of like rafting down a tumultuous river, there will be times you think you’ve got this, you’re navigating the river and having fun. Then all of a sudden it appears as though everything is out of control and that you’re going to die, your float topples over while you are forced under the surface. The good news is that as you do this work, and step away from old thought patterning, you will start to see your successes more than your “failure”, you will actually start seeing what you used to call failure as opportunity to grow, learn and improve.

Now it’s time to start moving into your future self.

This is when you will start experiencing true change. You start seeing yourself as the person who you’ve been dreaming of, the person who verbalizes your feelings, sees your thoughts and knows how to think to get the results that align with the person you are becoming. You start talking out loud and problem solving for yourself. You start creating the results that you want to create in your life.

The process of changing from someone who shuts down, tries to control others while only hurting themselves, to one who deliberately chooses how they want to think, feel and act is one of the most powerful things you will ever accomplish. It keeps you from being stuck in powerless states of blame, resentment and lack of control while being able to open up to love and compassion.

If you struggle with not being able to see how to get out of this patterning I encourage you to start by taking the steps in this post. If you want further help with getting out of disempowering emotional states, I would love to share some worksheets to move help you move forward. Another resource is to join me live on my social media channels every week, ask to get coached live or send me your questions and I’ll answer them for everyone to learn.

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Great Connection

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! πŸ˜ƒ It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

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