Understanding The Masculine Way Ep 31

Understanding The Masculine Way | Relationship Coach

This week and next I am going to be sharing insights I have gleaned from two chapters of David Deida’s book Intimate Communion. This week we will be looking at Chapter 8: The Masculine Way and then come back next week to hear the insights I gleaned from Chapter 9: The Feminine Way. I actually want to share an even better suggestion which is to grab the book, read chapter 9 and join the discussion I will be hosting this coming Thursday evening at 5 pm CST. We had a great discussion of Chapter 8 last week and I’m looking forward to this week’s discussion and sharing what we learned! If you’re interested in joining us follow this link to get yourself registered!

You may be wondering why these two chapters, why not a full book discussion? First, one of my coaches, Aimee Gianni changed the way I read books, she gave me permission to start anywhere and to read only what I choose to read and in any order. When I discovered the book Intimate Communion it was around a conversation about the difference between masculine and feminine energy and I found myself super intrigued. I wanted to learn more about how I might be utilizing each and if I was utilizing them in a way that was working for me.

To my surprise, not only did I learn a LOT about myself, affirmation about what my AwakenYou program is designed to accomplish but it also shed a bright light on my husband, allowing me to reach another level of understanding around who he is and why he does some of the things he does. Which of course allows us to create a more connected and inspiring relationship

As in all of the work I do with my clients, I apply it to myself first, see how it manifests in my relationship with myself and my husband and then I get to bring it to you. What I learn gets brought into my AwakenYou program so that my clients have more ways of looking at themselves and their partners.

Today I am going to share my top insights from what Deida shares about the masculine way so that you might have a better insight into yourself and your partner, allowing you to grow personally and together. These two chapters did way more than help me see how I was abusing my masculine energy while squashing my feminine energy and why. It gave me a new perspective on how we are de-polarizing our relationships, meaning doing the exact opposite of what we want, and it helped me to better understand how my husband shows up in our relationship and why.

The fun thing about these two chapters is that each discusses both the masculine and feminine way in a comparative sort of way. Each of us, male and female, have a mixture of masculine and feminine energy, so let’s dig in and find out more!

The Masculine Way versus The Feminine Way

Masculine essence gives priority to “life direction” – it is moved primarily by his or her life mission, it is the most important thing in their life. Whereas the feminine essence gives priority to the “intimate relationship” – it is moved by his or her emotions in an intimate relationship.

The masculines waking state is modal – the football mode, the work mode, the driving car mode, the intimacy mode – they focus on the one mode they are in and the more masculine the more focused they are in their modes. Whereas the feminine is not so rigid, the feminine attention is fluid. The person with a more feminine essence flows between different activities such as gardening, chatting with a friend, and planning an outing all in the same moment.

Masculine is looking for trouble, in a good way. They see a problem and then go to the work of attempting to fix it, including when they see their partner disturbed.

Masculine seeks relief, when things appear to not be working in their eyes, or not fixable, it seeks freedom, he wants out. When the masculine is in a bad mood, he tends to feel trapped by life and his relationship, so just as the feminine who is in a bad mood often feels unloved by the masculine, the masculine will always tend to feel burdened and constrained when in a bad mood.

Masculine likes the edge, they come alive when challenged. This is why the masculine tends to like competition, watching sporting events or action movies. Not because they are trying to prove themselves or because they love violence but because they come alive during these challenges.

Deida talks about sexual polarity throughout the book and how one will always attract your sexual reciprocal. When you begin to understand the masculine and feminine ways you might see that you are squelching your dominant energy and that this could be why you feel there is something missing in your relationship. Your partner is matching your squelched energy so your polarity is weak.

Stages of Directionality

Deida talks about stages of directionality within a relationship and that when the partner that is playing the masculine pole in an intimate relationship doesn’t fully animate the native directionality of the Masculine, the more feminine partner begins to lose trust while the passion in their intimacy diminishes.

First stage directionality: a dependence relationship

In this first stage directionality, it is often expressed as a financial quest. The more masculine partner is expected to provide and in this dependence relationship, the more feminine partner may feel like her partner is always depending on her to be nurturing and sexy while the masculine may feel like his partner depends on him to be successful and strong. In this stage each may rely on the other for sex or money because neither of them are yet whole in themselves.

In this stage, the masculine essence transcends life avoiding emotions while attempting to stand above their partner. He isn’t interested in getting involved, he’d rather watch TV or work on the car rather than talk with their partner. They’d rather enjoy the “perfection” of the perfect shot into the goal net than the “imperfect” area of relationship, emotions and life.

In this stage the masculine attempts to find freedom through looking outward and obtaining a financial edge. The object in this stage is to be the winner rather than the loser.

Second stage directionality: a 50/50 relationship

This stage is where each pushes away from depending on each other and they become two whole and independent people. At this stage the masculine becomes a bit more creative, they may still provide a stable income while knowing how to create a good life. They start to desire to improve the quality of their life in more diverse ways: getting involved in the community, expand intellectual horizons, political and spiritual life expands. In this stage, the emphasis is on getting better rather than getting more.

The masculine in the second stage now transcends life by worshipping the mind. He enjoys thinking about things as if life could be answered through their mind. This stage enjoys intellectual conversation, loves good art and a fine bottle of wine.

In this stage, the masculine seeks freedom by turning inward and attempting to master his psychological edges, his fears, and demons. The object in this stage is to emerge as the master of your own life.

Third stage directionality: intimate communion

In this third stage all of that which is included in the second stage is still important, but even more important is their ability to practice a spiritual maturity instead of a physical, financial and creative maturity. Deida describes the masculine in the intimate communion stage as valued for his ability to bloom in any given moment into love, even in the most difficult of moments.

This third stage masculine transcends life by realizing his true nature as well as the true nature of life itself. He may work to improve his relationship yet in the moment-to-moment practice of life recognizes life’s inherent perfection – not in the details but in the perfect witness of life itself: consciousness.

In this last stage he realizes that is edge is an illusion, that he is an illusion. His edge in this stage is the practice of this realization, the moment-to-moment recognition that his essential fear, death, is based on a false presumption: that he is a separate something that can die. Here you are not struggling to be victorious over an outer opponent or an inner demon, you are struggling with your own illusion that you can be victorious.

Understanding a man’s mid-life crisis

Deida talks about a masculine’s need to periodically declutter their life from unauthentic burdens, obligations, and habits and re-discover their true being which they have lost touch with. Often this is discovered in solitude. It is about letting go of everything old, rediscovering true purpose, and then coming back to re-engage their relationships in a new and refreshing way. He attributes the mid-life crisis to the truth that our culture doesn’t really allow people to do these sorts of escapes so instead, it often plays out as a mid-life crisis.

When the masculine reaches intimate communion he realizes that no matter whether he succeeds or fails in life, he is free and that his true nature is freedom.

As the masculine struggles to find freedom, the feminine struggles to find love and this is going to be our discussion next week. Moving through the three stages of the feminine looking to find love is what AwakenYou is all about and it gave me great joy to discover the premise of my program validated in David Deida’s three stages of the feminine looking for love. I hope you will join me and please, don’t forget to sign up for the discussion of this chapter this coming Thursday1


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.

Five Pillars To Rebuilding Marital Belief Ep 30

Five Pillars To Rebuilding Marital Belief | Relationship Coach

By the time most of my clients come to me they have stopped dreaming about their future with their partner, they feel stuck in both their marriage and their life. The foundation of their marriage has crumbled and the map they previously used to build their relationship no longer applies to their life so it is necessary to reformulate the new five foundations to building their marital belief system so they can create a sustainable relationship that feels better than they ever imagined it could. The one thing that seemed to lift them up has drifted so far away they feel overwhelmed with how to turn things around, often wondering if giving up and starting over would be a better choice. The interesting thing is that if given the option many think that starting over somewhere else is a better option than taking what they already have, what they have already built, and “starting” over with what is remaining. This is because we think that the solution is outside of us, in some perfect partner that we won’t ever feel awful around but the truth is, the same old problems are going to keep surfacing until we do the work of learning how to build ourselves up from the inside out. Until then, that perfect partner will be an elusive catch.

When we feel frustrated, disconnected, and uninspired in our marriage we are often in a state of avoidance where they are avoiding any sort of action that might open us up to that loving feeling we so desperately want. Instead, we are doing all sorts of other things to bring some sparkle into our lives while unintentionally pushing our partners even further away and then looking to them to do the changing. Our perspective only sees where the problem lies in them while avoiding the work of looking inward fearing “we might be the problem.”

Eventually, though, we determine is that all of these external stimuli only have a minimal effect in bringing the zing back into our lives. We feel restless in constantly seeking the thing that will make us feel like our life has a purpose again, we are stuck on a rollercoaster of new highs that eventually come full circle leaving us searching for that new something new while continuing to avoid our partner.

Today I’m going to share five necessary foundational marital pillars that I use with clients in my AwakenYou one-on-one coaching program to help create the foundational belief they need to start rebuilding the marriage that they are in and start recreating their new future dream life.

Pillar one: understanding your feelings

To begin you have to take an honest look at and identify how you are feeling in your relationship. You know you don’t feel good, maybe you feel bored, frustrated, disconnected, sad, hopeless, uninspired, avoidant, anxious, disappointed, what else?

In the book Attachment Theory In Practice, Susan Johnson discusses the nature of emotion where she writes that in itself, emotion is not an irrational response or simply a “feeling” that accompanies thought. Rather, it is a high-level system that integrates a person’s awareness of innate needs and goals with feedback from the environment and the predicted consequences of actions. Emotions are an information-processing system focused on survival.

Meaning: emotions are part of a superior bodily system that helps you create awareness of your primal needs and goals while we are getting feedback from what is happening around us while we are subconsciously predicting the consequences of different actions. Emotions are part of our processing system based on keeping us alive.

Once you can start to identify these emotions that you are feeling you can start discovering what circumstances in your marriage are causing these feelings and why. We can peel back the shades and see the underlying reason we are experiencing what we are feeling.

Pillar two: understand your perspective

Here you are going to discover what your story is about your marriage and why your situation feels so challenging. You will get your point of view out from inside of you, onto a piece of paper so that you can really see the truth of what you are struggling with. Once you see your perspective clearly it is from here that you can start being able to contemplate some new perspectives, different possibilities and dabble with what these different perspectives look like and how they could change how you are feeling about your current circumstance.

Pillar three: identify what it is you want

Once you have gotten your story out and written down all of the painful pieces on paper this is when you can start identifying what it is you really want so you can begin creating new pieces to your marital puzzle, pieces that you love, pieces that you think are missing.

When we are deep in sadness and disappointment it’s difficult to imagine anything different. Identifying what is most difficult about your circumstance helps you to start seeing what it is you might want and then start formulating future hopes and dreams for you and your partner. You get to throw out pieces of the puzzle that feel awful and recreate pieces you want to give a try, knowing that if a piece doesn’t feel right you can keep molding and shaping it into one that fits perfectly.

Pillar four: start understanding why these dreams matter to you

Beneath our pain and our desire is something more, a more profound why. Here is where you can start asking yourself why you want what it is you want. You can decide why that thing would make you feel better and then make you feel better about your marriage, and then see why that would be so much more empowering than where you currently are in your relationship.

Pillar five: putting it all together to create your marital future vision

As you start to understand how you are feeling about your specific marital circumstance and you can see and define your current perspective, you can begin identifying what it is you want in your relationship, why you want it, and why it’s important to you. Finally, from this space, you can get to the work of arranging all of these four pillars to create a vision of where it is you want to go.

As you work through this process, you will also need a big dose of commitment in order to continue to fully work through forming these pillars and making them a firm foundation that continues to bring a clearer and clearer view of what you, and your partner want. You are never finished building these five marital foundation pillars because life keeps changing and desires evolve but know that when you stop working on them they begin to slowly erode again, but the good news is this: when you learn how to build a solid foundation and do the work of building these five pillars, you see the importance of the maintenance work and it becomes a new part of your relationship that actually feels normal.

If you want help stripping your relationship down and building it back up in a way that is sustainable and feels amazing then I want to invite you to come join AwakenYou, I’d love to work with you through the process of creating exactly what it is you want in the marriage you are in right now.


I am a life coach who works with individuals to break down relationship barriers by awakening their true selves. My process isn’t about changing your partner, it’s about discovering who you are so that you can AwakenYou in your marriage. If you’re ready to take your life and your love relationship to the next level then schedule your program inquiry call today and let’s decide together if this is your next step to creating the life you’ve been dreaming of.