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Lately, I have been exploring the emotion of fear in my own life and how it is holding me back from taking powerful steps forward in my journey to develop the close, loving relationship I desire with my husband. The realization became profound when I was actually observing fear of a different kind, fear around a decision. I discovered how I was making decisions based on fear, meaning I was looking at what could go wrong and basing my decision on which choice would “hurt” the least. When I saw this scarcity/protective thinking, I decided to ask a better question. I decided to ask how my decision could be awesome? How could this decision create amazing abundance in my life?
I want to invite you to join me as I ask some tough questions about why we aren’t doing the things that will actually move us forward faster, getting us the results we want instead of the same old stale results that we aren’t happy with.
Fear might be why you aren’t doing that which you want to be doing, but do you really understand what you are afraid of? In reality, it’s not the emotion of fear that keeps us stuck; it’s more the fear of the emotion that will come up for us if we take that step into the unknown. That step into a place where someone might think something about us, having us thinking something about ourselves that might make us feel stupid or unworthy or unlovable – exposed. The funny thing is that what we’re afraid of feeling is an emotion that we are currently burying because we are already thinking that same thought about ourselves. Confused? That’s ok; let’s dig into it, and let me help clear some things up for you.
Let’s start by looking at the typical areas that I see people repeatedly using as excuses for not creating what they want in their life, especially when it comes to our love relationship.
Fear of the things we have full control over.
Time: Why aren’t you creating time to work on your relationship?
Be honest, answer the question.
Every day people tell me that they don’t have time to work on themselves or their relationship. We are constantly putting ourselves on the back burner until something drastic happens. This “drastic” event now has us putting out fires that could have been avoided had we prioritized our time. The truth is that when things come up that are “musts,” we somehow find the time to get them done. Of course, when the car breaks down, you don’t have time or the money to deal with it, but somehow you figure it out. You have a child, of course, you don’t have time or the money to take care of a child, but somehow you figure it out. You get sick; of course, you don’t have time to get better, but divinely, your body has a way of making the time for you.
What if you allowed the fear to be there while you did that which you know will pay off with a rich reward. Fear isn’t stopping you from taking the time to work on yourself and your relationship with your partner; it’s the emotion that comes up when you actually create the time. The shame you might feel when you think you should be doing dishes or laundry instead, the guilt you feel when you think about how you have “neglected” your relationship, feeling stupid that you don’t know where to start, instead of opening up your phone so you can feel better momentarily.
I believe there is an abundant amount of time to do that which is important to me, and this belief serves me well. Ask yourself how important this relationship is to you; maybe it’s really not that important yet, don’t worry because if you wait long enough, the wrong sort of fire will begin to burn. When it does, you will make the time to do the work. I guarantee that work will be a whole lot more uncomfortable than if you prioritize it now. If you want abundance in your love relationship, then my suggestion is to ask yourself to list all of the reasons that taking 15 minutes every day to work on your love relationship is important to you. How will it be exactly what you needed to do?
Money: Why are you afraid to invest in the only thing that will move you forward every single day?
The second place of resistance for most people is the fear of investing money in themselves. People will throw money at all sorts of insignificant material objects as a way to feel better, but why aren’t they taking that money and spending it on something that will payback on that investment over ten-fold? Look at some of the same scenarios I listed with time, when we absolutely need something, like the furnace goes out in the middle of a Minnesota winter, somehow the money shows up.
It makes me sad when I think about how many people don’t believe in their ability to invest in themselves, not reaping the reward of its payoff. Many of us spend the first 20-30 years of our lives investing in our minds, filling it with a bunch of knowledge. Then we run on fumes for the rest of our lives, taking a continuing education class when required but not investing in our minds. We’re afraid of looking in there; we are afraid that we might not be able to figure out the answers, rendering us stupid.
The funny thing is, almost everyone I talk to says the ability to get to the relationship of their dreams and the life of their dreams is something they couldn’t put a price tag on; it’s worth that much to them; until it comes to actually committing. I’ve been there; I was that person; I didn’t believe I could create that dream result, so why bother, until I got desperate. Until I kept trying everything that came my way, still not getting any closer to that dream. Until I learned how to trust myself enough to hire a coach, that’s when I started to see that the best thing I could spend money on was my mind. That investment clearly showed me my scarcity, limited, fearful mindset.
I believe the money we invest in ourselves is worth every penny because it makes me grow; it makes me think outside of my comfort zones; it shows me my weak spots. In my love relationship, it helps me be brave in creating exactly what I want and dedicate every day to doing that work. It helps me dig into why I’m not taking the actions I want to take in my love relationship; it reveals the truth, then allowing me to understand and decide my next steps.
Self Confidence: being all in on yourself
We’re so busy focusing on the outside, trying to get people to like us, trying to get others to open up and talk, and not doing the same ourselves. We are afraid to look inside at why we hate ourselves so much, at why we feel so lost and empty, why we’re scared. Let me tell you something; you will never find what you are looking for in someone else. So many of us are afraid that if we let go of controlling our surroundings, we might drown, but the truth is when you let go and start focusing on yourself, that’s when you learn how to swim.
Remember the saying: a rising tide lifts all boats? You can’t be the rising tide when you are empty inside; you suck up all the water, and everything sinks with you.
Fear of something new
The fear of not knowing what we’re doing; the fear of having to start over. Well, what will you be doing when you lose it all? Doing what you’ve been doing isn’t working, and it is actually pushing you further and further from your goal. It’s not the fear of starting something new and unfamiliar; it’s fear of how you’re going to feel when you think, “I don’t know what I’m doing.” My suggestion is to look at it as a new lease on life; you are purchasing your new self and building it exactly how you want, how you were divinely created to be.
How do you face fear?
I’m going to suggest a few things for you to try, take one and implement it into your daily routine and then let me know what’s working or not working.
- Time: Schedule 15 minutes every morning before you do anything else, set your alarm 15 minutes earlier than usual, and get out of bed. Take the time to do a thought download, that’s it. Do it every day for seven days. Notice what happens in your mind when it tells you not to take the time, that it really won’t matter, sleep for another 15 minutes. Notice, and then roll on out of that bed anyway.
- Money: Start keeping track of where every penny goes. Don’t make this hard. Get yourself an old fashioned notebook, every day, write down what you spent money on, and categorize it. Was it essential and necessary, meaning you would die if you hadn’t spent that money? Would they shut off your heat or your electricity? Is it a “luxury” living expense that isn’t necessary: take out, restaurant eating, coffee, non-essential food like liquor, desserts, snacks? Is it a comfort purchase?
- Solo date: One day a week, plan a date with yourself; it doesn’t need to involve money, go for a walk, ride your bike, sit at the lake, go to a museum and pay attention to your surroundings. Get in touch with yourself and who you really are, take one to two hours to get to know yourself.
- Planned partner date: Plan something and follow-through, no matter what emotions come up for you. Afterward, take 15 minutes to write about what happened, how you felt, and why.
Whichever idea you decide to go with, I’d like you to pay attention to some of the following things, maybe write them down in a notebook.
- When you didn’t do what you said you were going to do, ask yourself why. I don’t know isn’t an option, answer the question, ask your brain to calm down and answer. When you continue not to do what you plan to do, you solidify that belief that you have created. The belief that you don’t do what you say you’re going to do. You solidify that lack of trust in yourself. How are you going to change that belief? My recommendation: don’t make it an option, feel uncomfortable, notice how it feels, notice what comes up, breathe through it, and do it anyway.
- Instead of focusing on all of the things that could go wrong with the action you want to take, list all of the things that could go right. Remember, “wrong” is just something you are thinking, that “wrong” could lead you to the right path.
- If you do something different, ask yourself why. If you catch yourself in the middle of your scheduled time doing something different, stop yourself and be honest with yourself. Then go down two paragraphs and read.
- When you don’t do what you said you would do what comes up for you? Shame? Guilt? Anger? Resentment? More feelings for you to look at. Ask yourself why you feel whatever emotion you are feeling, hint: it’s a thought you are thinking.
Lastly, I’d like to suggest three different things to do during the time you have scheduled for yourself and only do one of these three things. Take the time to do what you said you’d do, just sit there, or do a thought download.
Fear is an emotion that keeps us from moving forward and doing that which we really want to do. Taking the time to reflect, do thought downloads, and thought models will help you uncover that emotion that stops you from creating the beautiful relationship you so badly desire. Then ask yourself what is beautiful about the decision to be all in on that which you want to do. Yes, write them all down!
My AwakenYou coaching program is the exact process you need to help you with all of the obstacles you find yourself running up against as you try to figure out how to show up the way you want to show up in your love relationship. I teach you how to overcome all of the objections that you are creating as roadblocks to your best life while having a good time doing it; together let’s knock them all down!
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Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!