Relationship Buffering

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

This week I want you to look at all of your past love relationships to see if you can find a common thread. Is your common thread that they start out high energy, highly pleasurable, high doses and quantities of dopamine shots? Many relationships start out this way, similar to the effects we get from food, alcohol, drugs, spending money; you get a relationship love hit and it feels so good you keep going back for more. Eventually, your relationship can’t sustain that type of energy and when those dopamine hits start to fade away it’s like an addict who can’t get their fix, they start looking for something new to create that same feeling.

Maybe you’ve been in and out of so many relationships you’ve decided to settle, but your brain still wants that rush of pleasure so you start looking for the fix elsewhere. You start avoiding the relationship that you want more from, the one you’re unwilling to give in. Working on love feels uncomfortable and awkward while your partner seems unwilling to do any work to make it better so, why bother?

Upon reflection, many of my clients also see this pattern in other areas of their life besides in their love life. They find themselves seeking the high of feeling better through other external actions like eating, binging, over-drinking, spending money on temporary feel-goods, pornography, other relationships, exercise, body improvements, anything that makes them feel better temporarily while avoiding the root of their problem. Chasing but never finding lasting fulfillment.

Today we’re going to take a look inside the life of one of my clients, for the sake of anonymity I’ll name her Michelle.

Michelle grew up with what she called a tattered relationship with both of her parents. Michelle was full of resentment stemming primarily from the thought that she didn’t receive the love and nurturing she needed, especially as a child.

Michelle constantly sought love outside of herself, including getting involved in relationships where she did things that were not her typical modes of operation, actions against her integrity, in an effort to fit in and please. In an effort to feel the love in reciprocation of her acts.

When Michelle looked back over her life, in particular at her love relationships, she discovered that she was always seeking some sort of high out of her relationships, she was addicted to the feeling she got at the onset. Michelle thought this was what love was. Eventually, the relationship would fall into a pattern of her not feeling the love; she’d get bored and blame it on her partner.

Michelle’s typical response would be to end the relationship so that her partner couldn’t hurt her by leaving her and move on, looking for someone else, someone more exciting. Michelle also noticed several other similar behaviors that created responses she could control – drug use, overeating, binging with over-exercising mixed in, over-drinking, spending money on things that provided a temporary good feeling.

Michelle decided she was tired of where her life was going. She felt stuck in a cycle, knowing that there had to be something better than what she was experiencing. Stuck in her current relationship, she decided to do something different. She decided to start figuring out the root of her problem and see if she could resurrect her love relationship with the person she was with.

To begin Michelle started working on herself, this included work around healing her past and reconciling what was happening in her addictive behavior characteristics. She wanted to figure out how to feel good on her own, end her self destructive behavior, stop escaping and start feeling it all instead of resisting.

She told her current partner that she was beginning a journey of self-discovery, of sorting out issues that she had been long repressing and pretending weren’t a big deal. She told him that she loved him and was committed to their relationship but wanted some time to create a relationship she had been neglecting her whole life – the one with herself.

As Michelle did this work she began seeing her life through new lenses. She started creating relationships out of existing relationships that she now fully enjoys just as they are. Re-writing her past into a beautiful story of strength and power has helped her more clearly see her life purpose. She sees that the joy she had been seeking outside of herself was always there for her to access, planted inside of her and now she is on the journey of nurturing it into life. Through all of this work Michelle has been doing, her relationship with her partner is blooming again, daily doing the work of creating a love relationship where love sticks around.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

AwakenYou, Before And After

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

One of my favorite morning routines in the summer is taking my dog for a walk. I love watching the scene of our consistent morning path transform as we emerge from winter into spring, summer, fall, and back again. There is a spot on our walk where dozens of baby thorn sprouts have grown into a massive thorn thicket, heights of which surpass mine. Every day as we pass this mature thorn thicket I think about the pain that would be inflicted upon oneself if traveling by on a bicycle that jumps off course into this mass of prickers, I know, tragic. One day as I approached the thicket I saw something that captured my attention and drew me in. A beautiful dragonfly amidst the thorns. Her contentment sent my mind a-wandering. A wandering about life before, during, and after its awakening.

A fun side note about what I found as I wandered and wondered about the dragonfly amidst the thorns: a band called The Thorns who have recorded a song called Dragonfly, what?! Go take a listen, after reading this of course.

Life before AwakenYou

Most of us feel at the effect of our world. We have an inner desire to do more, to be more, to move out of the thorn bush that keeps pricking and piercing us. We get mad at the thorns, we blame them for where we are and why we keep getting stuck in the same crummy situations.

Relationship after relationship in the bliss of what is, yet held back from what could be. We push, or get pushed, into the prickers and then bounced into bliss, thinking this will be the time things change. It will be better this time around, I’ll remember the beauty amidst the thorns.

Eventually, the game gets old, we realize we are powerless to change on our own. We’re over the struggle and have seen evidence that others have found something better, something different. We used to think it was just perfect matches, matches that weren’t meant for our life, two dragonflies who have figured out how to maneuver the thorns.

Wait, we remember someone talking about changing their life and how that changed their relationship with their partner. They heard this odd story about creating the love life of their dreams without the other partner’s willing participation. Who was that? Where did she see that?

The thought slips away and life returns back to the same old same old, but then she sees a post, reads an email, searches for help, and her mind delivers a message.

During

She had tried couples counseling, individual counseling, and made some strides toward freedom but she kept getting drawn into the same old same old. She asked herself if there was really any hope, was she destined to live a sad life? She wanted and thirsted for something different, she wanted to break this cycle. She didn’t want to move somewhere else because she had done that enough with the same results. Then she remembered that life coach who had talked about something different, she was ready.

After

Transformed. Everything transformed. No longer was the mass of thorns a threat but a beautiful retreat that had her back. She saw every thorn in her life and what she had made it mean.

Unworthy, unlovable, unsatisfied, shameful, guilty, unsuccessful, dirty, ordinary, cold, weak.

She realized she had been living a life of lies, that the true story of the thorns was beautifully different.

Worthy, lovable, satisfied, willing, honest, successful, brand new, unique, beautiful, warm, loving, tough, smart.

Now seeing the beauty and purpose in the thorns of her life, she was able to sit proudly amidst the thorns knowing they couldn’t hurt her, only she had the power to do that. She knew her power wasn’t in escaping the thorns but loving them for what they were, always knowing the way out but no longer seeing the need.

When you look at the dragonfly amidst the thorns, what do you see? I see the beautiful mystery of nature and ask myself what it is teaching me. Is the dragonfly crazy or is it smart? It all depends on your perspective, that perspective will determine the outcome in your life. We can always change our surroundings but until we see our surroundings for what they really are; until we can love and appreciate them, new surroundings will eventually be like the dragonfly at the effect of the thorns instead of in the presence and protection of the thorns.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Swimming and Emotional States

🎧 Prefer to listen to the audio version? Click here!

If you’re wondering what swimming and emotional states have to do with each other then you are about to find out. Personally, I love to swim and believe it is a great antidote when experiencing an emotional state that you want to process. With it’s repetitive, automatic motion, the relaxing sound of the water movement, fresh air filling your lungs, with blue sky speckled with clouds and sun rays dancing off the water, heavenly and thouroughly meditative. If you are someone who has swum in one of the 10,000 lakes of Minnesota for the majority of your life, you will totally get it. Swimmer or not, I think you will be able to appreciate my following swimming analogy when it comes to our different states of emotion.

I came to this analogy while going through an extended β€œnegative” emotional period. I put the word negative in quotations because I prefer not to name an emotion negative or positive, all emotions drive us to take actions, negative emotions have us taking actions that typically keep us from moving forward. In contrast to that thinking though I want to offer that negative emotions, when processed correctly, can actually move us forward by helping us to see what we are creating and using it to learn. When we learn something from any experience we are moving forward.

Some people wrongly assume that once you have experienced working with a coach you will never experience negative emotion. Wrong. This life is meant to be both good and bad, it is a balance called life. Don’t let this assumption keep you from working with a life coach, having someone on your side helping you navigate life is the best gift you could ever give yourself, as well as everyone in your life. Coaching makes going through the negative a whole different experience, read on.

So what is the β€œ50/50”?

When I say 50/50 I’m talking about negative versus positive emotional states. β€œGood” times versus β€œbad” times. Times when we feel open and are moving forward versus times when we are feeling closed in and stagnant.

Life will always be a balance of both of these emotional states, often we have times when that ratio is skewed one way or another, more often to the negative.

Currently, I am using the swimming analogy to compare negative emotional states as being under the water while positive emotional states as being above water and looking at a blue sky with the sun sparkling off the water like millions of diamonds.

During this negative emotional state that I was experiencing, I observed that it had been a while since I had endured a mental state that I couldn’t move through. I was then able to compare how this state felt now, after working with several different life coaches, to life prior to learning about coaching.

The 50/50 before life coaching.

The negative 50 seemed more like a 80, 90, or 99. I felt continually pushed under the water by outside forces, against my own will. I believed most of my life was gloomy, and that made the positive barely visible. I needed outside stimulation to make that little bit of positive feel right; no wonder I overate, over drank, or overdid most anything that could make me feel better. All of this proves the philosophy that what we look for, we will find because there were plenty of people who saw my life as perfect.

Once in a while, I would come up for air, and when I did, the sky was mostly cloudy. Even when I used something outside of myself to feel better, I never felt like I ever saw the sun. Whenever I was under the water, maybe I could see the sun, but it was only through the dirty murky water and barely visible.

The 50/50 after coaching.

As I was going through this particular negative stretch what I noticed was that it really wasn’t all that bad. Yeah, I was feeling a bit under the weather but I described it more like bobbing on the water, every once in a while slipping under the water but still being able to see the sun because the water was clear. All the time that I was under the water I knew that the sun and fresh air were right there and I could pop up to grab some. I knew I could stay there a while and enjoy it’s beauty as it sparkled across the waves and then I would pop down under again. All the while knowing it was no big deal. I knew that this was something I was creating, that I could feel it all and be ok, the shore was just a few breaststroke’s away.

In review of the before and after what I most want to impress upon you is the difference in energy between the two scenarios. The “before” scenario keeps you stuck in a state of suffering while the “after” scenario allows you to be present with your pain while continuing to move forward with your life dreams and goals.

There you have it my beautiful friend! Life will always be the contrast of good and bad, the negative along with the positive. When you know that the bad or negative all comes from our thinking, your life will completely change. You will be able to see your emotional states for what they are, that you are creating it all with your very own mind and that you have the power to change it. You enjoy the swim because all around you there is the good with the bad.

Self coaching and working with a coach helps us to see what we are experiencing and why. We can see it is temporary, meaningful and that we are all ok.

Self coaching and coaching will show you that the way to the other side is just a vibration in our body created by our mind with our thinking.

🎧 Audio version of blog here!

πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“πŸ’“

Are you struggling in your love relationship? I would love to help you fall back in love with the one you love. My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for strong women like you, and a few pretty cool guys, who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. Together we work from the inside out, meaning I teach you how to have a healthy, loving relationship with yourself so you can show up and simply love your partner. Let’s reignite your love relationship today, book your consultation call today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life-changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Know someone hurting in their relationships? If you think they might benefit from hearing this message please share this article with them. You might be the one who leads them to their best life.

Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself and never miss another post, get yourself signed up for my newsletter!