Relationship Distraction

Here I am again, marrying another word with relationship, so what exactly am I meaning by putting these two words together?

Let’s start again with my definition of relationship: your thoughts about someone.

Distraction being something that divides attention or prevents you from concentration.

When you put them together, relationship distractions are what keep us from what is hurting in our relationships. Basically, relationship distraction is a form of buffering, which is anything we put between ourselves and something we don’t want to deal with. As always, you can apply the following information to any relationship where you are avoiding, instead of being honest and working through to find solutions to the problem. After I discovered this in my relationship with my husband, I started to see the same behaviors with other people in my life. Notice how you might be pushing people away instead of dealing with the problem at hand, maybe it’s someone on your team at work or your boss or maybe even your girlfriend.

Ignoring the problem, distracting yourself from the problem, won’t make the problem go away, it just continues to agitate you under the surface.

Let’s look at some different relationship distraction techniques:

  • Scheduling activities with other people to escape, or avoid, spending time with your spouse. Doing outside activities separate from your spouse is important and recommended but not if it is distracting you from intentional time together.
  • During your time together you don’t dedicate time to chat/discuss/laugh and work on your relationship, instead you each do your own thing.
  • You don’t schedule activities together.
  • You find yourself avoiding connecting or blaming the other partner for not being a good connector/communicator.
  • Looking for excitement or fun experiences outside of your relationship because you’re bored. Yes, exiting and fun experiences separate from your spouse is highly recommended. Your spouse might not be interested in the same things you are, just make sure you’re also planning fun experiences with them as well.
  • Indulging in any of the other buffers I have discussed in other posts: over drinking, over eating, over spending, over social media-ing, over Netflixing, pornography, gambling. These buffers keep us busy doing something else instead of creating a more intimate relationship.
  • Spending more time at the office to avoid interacting with your spouse. It’s easy to do, you know, there’s just so much work to do and those bills, they have to get paid! Really consider whether you could actually get all of the work you’re telling yourself you have to do AND get home with time to spend with your spouse.

Answering yes to any of these might mean you are looking to distract yourself from what you are describing as a unsatisfactory relationship and often times we don’t even recognize the symptoms.

So if you suspect that you might be unintentionally, or intentionally, distracting yourself from your loved one the let’s look at three steps you can take to regain relationship focus.

  1. Awareness is always step one. The simple step of recognizing what we are doing helps us to step back and question what is going on for us. Awareness allows us to look at our actions and be truthful about what is driving us to take them. It allows us to short circuit the thoughts and feelings that are driving us to take the actions we are currently taking.
  2. The next step is to question your actions, or inactions. If you’ve realized that you have been excluding activities that you enjoy, to spend time with your spouse, then that is a great realization! Realizing that your partner can’t fill all of your connection needs is necessary, for both of you. Just make sure you’re doing activities for your enjoyment and not to avoid time with him or in an to attempt to make him jealous or to “get back at him”. Love your outside social activities and be all in with them as well as being intentional about your time with your spouse.
  3. You will have to become intentional and honest about why you are buffering and then start looking at ways to change course. This will mean asking yourself some hard questions about why you are avoiding, answering them honestly and then planning your intentional path forward.

Relationships are a partnership. You don’t want to expect that they will just keep moving forward the way you want without putting any effort into where you want it to go. We have to pause and re-evaluate our relationships to see what is working, what isn’t working and then decide what you want to do differently. Don’t become complacent in your relationships, seek the root of the problem and then be intentional with creating what you want.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

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Creating Relationship Power

Cultivating power in your relationship is something many of us strive to have but for all of the wrong reasons. Most often we are doing the useless work of attempting to control the other person in an effort to feel better. If you’ve been using this tactic you might have already realized that controlling others doesn’t work, if it did, that’s what I’d be teaching. Attempting to control others might at first appear to work, they might do what you ask them to do in order for you to feel better, but over time it only leads to resentment and your partner not being their authentic self, the person you actually fell in love with.

Today I’m talking about a whole different sort of power, a power that comes from within yourself and has nothing at all to do with your partner. I’m talking about a lasting power that will take your most intimate relationship to heights you never even dreamed possible. You will definitely be at the effect of your relationship but in a beautiful way because you will be thinking about your relationship in a positive, instead of a negative, way.

Yes, you have the power, all on your own, to turn your relationship around. Being the strong willed person that I imagine you to be, I’ll bet that sounds very appealing, but I want you to consider it appealing only to prove it to yourself, not to prove it to your spouse. You are going to go from feeling completely powerless as to where your relationship is headed, to feeling 100% in control of your relationship destiny. Let’s dig in!

So now that you know where your power comes from, let’s look at how you can generate that power on a daily basis, I have 11 steps to share with you

  1. Start letting go of trying to control them, let go of the manual you have for them. Power doesn’t control, need to destroy or put down. Power comes when you can lift yourself up. When you lift yourself up you are then equipped and able to lift up others. The only thing you have to control is how you respond to them.
  2. Doing the work of taking your relationship dreams and making them a reality in your life. I wrote all about this in a previous post, go there and discover what that looks like.
  3. Understanding that change takes time and lots of uncomfortable failure and knowing that this is what happens when we take on goals that are important to you. You decide on purpose to keep moving forward and believing in the result no matter what.
  4. Re-read #3 and then not allowing failure to mean anything except that you are learning and growing and getting closer to your dream.
  5. You learn how to feel your emotions instead of avoiding them through destructive behaviors like overeating, fighting, withdrawing, drinking, pornography, spending money.
  6. Saying no to habits that steal your power like blaming someone for how you feel, or resenting someone for not taking care of your needs, and people pleasing.
  7. Learning how to love someone without conditions. This means being able to love them no matter what they say or do. It means our emotions are not controlled by how someone else is showing up and not making how they are acting mean anything about us. Knowing that love feels amazing and not just the getting of it, but also in the giving. Not loving someone doesn’t protect you, choosing not to love someone because you don’t want to get hurt is just hurting yourself ahead of time. Loving never hurts. Loving is the opposite of hurt. Saying “they don’t deserve my love” is simply denying yourself of the feeling of love.
  8. Believing in yourself. Believing that every action step you take to up level your love relationship increases your capacity to be powerful.
  9. Learning that being vulnerable builds your capability and confidence and power. Believing that being vulnerable does not make you weak.
  10. Realizing that your past mistakes don’t limit you. Knowing that there are no wrong decisions is how our past creates power, it’s when we don’t learn and grow from our decisions that we lose power.
  11. Reminding yourself on a daily basis that you are 100% worthy, your relationship goal is 100% available and worthy, and that your partner cannot create that worth for you, that’s where your power comes in.

When you realize that the pain you are feeling in your relationship is completely optional and that you have the power to eliminate that pain, that’s when you take your whole life back into your own hands. You have the power to make decisions about how your’e going to show up, to not react to someone else’s emotions, to look at what might be happening for them and know it has nothing to do with you. Then you’ll be able to show compassion, to drop manuals and allow people to be who they are while not making their actions mean anything about you. You will take your power back when you stop blaming others for how you feel and learn how to feel the way you want to feel, showing up in a way that serves you, that’s where your power is my love!

You know what is the most powerful thing that will come from you taking your power back? You are going to see a whole healing transformation happen in that relationship you thought had no hope. You are going to start seeing what you thought was only a dream become your reality because you decided to take your power back, to be all in and you are going to be so glad you didn’t give up. Bringing the romance back into your love relationship happens when you step into your power and believe that your dream can come true!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

No More Silent Treatment

Silent treatment is what I would call wordless punishment or quiet aggression, where we are attempting to demonstrate how awful the other person is, of course in an effort to prove our superiority. It might look like us excluding or ignoring someone in an effort to punish or manipulate them.

Interestingly enough, silent treatment might not seem on the outside like physical punishment, yet the brain’s interpretation of silent treatment is incredibly similar.

It may also look like one person trying to communicate and the other responding with silence or emotional distance often ending with each partner often blaming the other for how they are feeling and ultimately, how they are acting.

Silent treatment is not to be confused with taking intentional time to withdraw, reflect and process what is going on for yourself. This use of time would be communicated from a place of love and compassion of self, not from a negative place.

So the question I want to dig into today is why do we use the silent treatment tactic and how do we stop this destructive behavior?

Let me start by being 100% vulnerable in disclosing that I used to be a silent treatment abuser. I often forget about this tactic until I see it being used by others or when it comes up in a coaching session. When I look back at my use of the tactic, along with the process of letting it go, I can clearly see some of the facts for me:

  • Silent treatment was a learned behavior
  • It allowed me to feel like I was controlling the situation, though in reality the opposite was true
  • It kept me feeling protected
  • It kept me from being vulnerable and honest
  • It kept me from really looking into what was bothering me and learning how to express that
  • It limited me from learning how to problem solve
  • It allowed me to avoid and resist emotion which kept me from evolving/growing/learning how to love

Mostly I thought it was a way to protect myself.

Let’s start with looking at the possibility of your behavior being a modeled behavior. It’s quite possible that someone in your formative years taught you this behavior and though you didn’t appreciate being the recipient of the behavior, you now find yourself doing exactly what you said you’d never do. If this is the case it will never be constructive for you to blame that person, which will only have you falling back into more actions you don’t want to take. We can acknowledge, use it as data and start the process of unlearning the behavior so you can treat yourself the way you desire, such beautiful news.

Awareness is the first step to change.

It’s also possible that silent treatment seems to have worked for you as a form of protection and a way to get out of confrontation, leading you to use it over and over. Now you’ve created a habit of how to deal with difficult situations that gets you nowhere, never really dealing with the situation. Instead you just add to the pile of unresolved conflict in your mental storehouse.

Here are four steps to stop using the silent treatment as a way to cope with conflict and learn how to become more effective in your love relationships:

Start observing your behavior.

This will start with you assessing what happened after you have fallen into the silent treatment pit. The great thing here is that you have time because you’ve chosen not to talk, so grab a pencil and notebook, go to a room by yourself, shut the door and start processing by asking yourself a few questions:

  1. What exactly was happening before you decided to use the silent treatment as a way to cope? List all of the facts: what exactly was being said by whom, what time was it, what was happening before the situation. Remember that facts have no drama or emotion, they are exact words spoken, exact actions taken, no adverbs or adjectives.
  2. What emotion was coming up for you? If you can’t name the emotion then close your eyes and feel what vibrations are going on in your body, describe them in detail.
  3. Why do you think you were feeling this way? Write down all of the reasons.
  4. What might you have been thinking during this time?
  5. What actions did you actually take and why? What words did you speak? What did you do or what didn’t you do?
  6. Write it all out in your notebook, write down the truth of what is going on in your brain, even the ugly. When you’re done you can shred it.
  7. What result are you getting from all of the actions you are taking? Write down all of YOUR results as you see them.

All of this is increasing your own awareness of what is happening for you and why, all in an effort to learn, grow and overcome. DO NOT allow yourself to answer with “I don’t know.”, guess if you have to, ask yourself this powerful question: “If I did know the answer, what would it be?” This exercise is not about looking at the other person and why they are causing your state of mind, though you can certainly write that down because it will create more awareness for you, but it is never true. Other people do not create our state of mind, don’t make them that powerful, we do.

How do you want to behave?

After you do the above practice start asking yourself how you want to show up and why. Chances are that you won’t be able to play out your desired scenario in real life yet, this is part of the practice, but know that creating the scenario of how you want to show up in real time will take patience, practice and a lot of vulnerability. Start with one step at a time, by doing this work, and know that you are moving forward. Right now it’s important for you to have a vision of how you actually deal with conflict.

With consistency, you will start to see what is happening in the middle of it, possibly even starting to withdraw from a place of introspection instead of manipulation. Once you start to get to this point it will be good to express to your partner what is happening for you and that you need some time to process. Then go to a quiet space and work through the above questions again, at this point you might even be able to start creating unintentional models of what is happening for you.

Start seeing the scenario unfold in front of you.

The third phase allows you to start watching what happens for you from a place of curiosity. You get to start really seeing your unintentional models and start taking steps towards your ideal intentional models by playing around with some intentional thoughts. These intentional thoughts will create emotions that allow you to start changing old behavioral patterning.

I describe this phase as being in the middle of the river of misery. There will be times when you are feeling amazing with the progress you are seeing, but then there will be times where you unintentionally fall back into old patterning. Sort of like rafting down a tumultuous river, there will be times you think you’ve got this, you’re navigating the river and having fun. Then all of a sudden it appears as though everything is out of control and that you’re going to die, your float topples over while you are forced under the surface. The good news is that as you do this work, and step away from old thought patterning, you will start to see your successes more than your “failure”, you will actually start seeing what you used to call failure as opportunity to grow, learn and improve.

Now it’s time to start moving into your future self.

This is when you will start experiencing true change. You start seeing yourself as the person who you’ve been dreaming of, the person who verbalizes your feelings, sees your thoughts and knows how to think to get the results that align with the person you are becoming. You start talking out loud and problem solving for yourself. You start creating the results that you want to create in your life.

The process of changing from someone who shuts down, tries to control others while only hurting themselves, to one who deliberately chooses how they want to think, feel and act is one of the most powerful things you will ever accomplish. It keeps you from being stuck in powerless states of blame, resentment and lack of control while being able to open up to love and compassion.

If you struggle with not being able to see how to get out of this patterning I encourage you to start by taking the steps in this post. If you want further help with getting out of disempowering emotional states, I would love to share some worksheets to move help you move forward. Another resource is to join me live on my social media channels every week, ask to get coached live or send me your questions and I’ll answer them for everyone to learn.

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your love relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!

Creating Great Connection

We all crave great connection in our relationships, we seek it and what we think it will give us. Everything we do throughout our whole life screams connection. We humans are created to desire connection, yet we often get it all messed up. We expect our loved ones to magically supply connection without us putting in the work to create it and then we get mad at them for not providing it. We expect them to know exactly what we need to feel connected and resent them when we feel disconnected.

This my friends, is not exclusive to our love relationship, I highly suggest you examine all of your relationships to see how you might be creating resentment, anger and frustration around your relationships. What are you expecting them to do to make you feel connected to them? How might you just love them for all of the reasons you do love them and let go of the rest? We are not going to feel 100% connected to anyone in this world, the goal is to see how each of our relationships fills a connection need and to not expect them to fill connection needs that they’re incapable, or unwilling, to provide.

Now the question that remains is, how do we go about creating great connection in our relationships?

Let’s start off with the definition of connection. Connection is when you feel the emotion of being connected with someone.

Very basically, it is the feeling you have when you think of them.

How beautiful is that definition? It means that we can actually create as much connection as we want, with whomever we want! 😃 It also means that the disconnection we feel is created with our brain and it can be changed, if we so desire, through managing our thoughts. Such good news!!

Why is that beautiful? It’s beautiful because we are then in complete control of whether we feel connected or not. We can stop blaming our loved one for what we perceive to be lack of connection. We can stop expecting them to change and create a brand new perspective on connection with all of the people in our lives.

Are you still following me or have I lost you? Hang with me and let’s look at a few ways you can start creating more connection with your loved one.

What was your early relationship programming?

I start by looking back at how we connected with each of our parents, or anyone who may have played a parenting role in our lives, and look at what they taught. Look at what they taught you about connecting with others, about how to connect as life partners, as well as how to connect with yourself. Look at any disconnections, isolators or inappropriate relationships and what they taught you about connection.

Look at your thought patterning.

What thoughts you have been habitually thinking about your relationships? Are you looking at all of the evidence of how they don’t connect and allowing those thoughts to overshadow all of the ways you do connect with them? When we are looking to the other person to change, blaming them for not fulfilling our connection needs or for not having connection skills, we take all of the focus off of what we can control. We are in complete control of this because it’s all about what’s going on in our heads. There is the other person, our brain and how we feel. What they do is 100% neutral, it’s all what we make their actions mean that hurts us. Once we’re able to start thinking differently and start changing our thought patterning, then we can begin to become creative about how to create more connection.

How connected are you to yourself?

Do you pay attention to your needs and learn how to take care of them or do you neglect and ignore your needs? Maybe you expect someone else to fulfill those needs and then resent them when they don’t.

The best thing I have learned is that what we aren’t able to provide for ourselves will be what we feel we aren’t getting from others.

What does good connection look like for you?

Have you thought about it? When we are aware of our connection needs then we can start creating a network of people who will be able to fill those needs. For example, some of my connection needs are:

  • An outdoor adventurist
  • Intellectual conversation and creation
  • Creative experiences
  • Visionary conversations
  • Physical connection
  • Comic relief
  • Encouragement when I struggle

These are just a few of my connection needs list, some of them I have connections in and others I am in search of someone to fill that connection. Right now I have a list of about 25 connections I desire and it is my job to find someone to fill those connections. We cannot expect our spouses, our children, all of our current friends to fill each of these needs. Expand your circle, find your connections and take the burden off of the people you are expecting to fill them for you.

Find out what connections your partner needs and discover which of them you can fill, talk about it together so that you can both free each other of the obligation to fill all of your connection desires.

Learn how to become a good connector yourself.

When we are focused on what our partner doesn’t bring to the table during your time together, we get stuck on the inside. Stepping outside and thinking of thought provoking questions allows you to become a great connector yourself. You learn how to get people to open up by getting them into a conversation you may have never expected and lead you into a connection you weren’t previously able to see.

All of these tools have given me the ability to change the perspective in all of my relationships. It allows me to see what I love about the people I’m in relationship with instead of what they’re not providing me. When we see it from this view we can nurture that part of the relationship and fully love them for what connection they do provide.

One of the questions I love asking myself is, “What is the connection I am desiring going to give me?” The first time I asked myself this question about my marriage relationship I had some of the following thoughts:

  • I’ll know he loves and cares for me
  • I’ll know he wants to share his life with me
  • I’ll know he thinks I matter

As soon as I realized that these thoughts were available to me even when he doesn’t share, my mind opened wide. I realized I was thinking the opposite of these thoughts, which made me feel disconnected and had me showing up by:

  • Ignoring/avoiding him
  • Not sharing my life with him
  • Blaming him
  • Criticizing him

These actions were getting me a result of not loving myself, not sharing my life out loud and not mattering to myself. I didn’t like these results, so I decided to do something about it, I took control of my connection needs because I discovered it’s my job to do so. Figuring this out gave me so much freedom and I truly hope that this helps give you some freedom as well.

Digging into your connection needs and learning how to fulfill them is all part of my coaching program. This is work that will light you up, spark the flame and turn your relationships into connections you look forward to. If you are looking for some resources to learn about your connection needs and start doing the work of finding people to fill those connections then just send me an email and I’ll send you some action steps you can start taking today. If you’d like to see how my program can turn your relationship into the one you’ve been dreaming of then let’s find time to talk, set up your program inquiry call today and I look forward to chatting with you!

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My Awaken(TheTrue)You program is for women who want to stop hurting in their most intimate relationship. I show you how to stop settling and bring back the love, connection and excitement you crave. Let’s re-ignite your marriage relationship today!

I’d love to offer a free call for you to work out whether or not my program and life changing promise is a fit for you. Either book your call now or send me an email with your availability, your future life is waiting for you.

Please share this message with anyone who you know who might benefit from hearing this message. Don’t forget to join my mailing list where I send out weekly tips on how to start building love and confidence within yourself.

If you’d like to get more empowering emails delivered straight to you and never miss another post please get yourself signed up for my newsletter!